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It was the first time since Dean told Cas he was dead to him, that Dean regretted it. Well, maybe not the first time, but it was the first time he had admitted it to himself.
Cas was there, fighting the good fight, but he wasn’t there. Recently, Dean had just started to break through Cas’ armor. He had made Cas smile, made him laugh and now it was all just going down the drain.
It was like Cas said; he walked away, and Dean didn’t stop him. He should have asked Cas to stay, made him stay. And he didn’t.
Dean has known so much regret in his life, but it was nothing like this. It was nothing like the constant ache in his chest, the rock in the pit of his stomach that doesn’t let him eat or sleep. God, Dean feels like a freaking teenaged girl with the number of times he almost cried this week.
Dean feels like he has to fix it, but how the hell is he going to do that? Cas hates him right now, and Dean doesn’t even blame him. He hates himself a little, too. How could Dean let someone that important to him just walk away? Why didn’t he just tell him the truth?
Why didn’t he say “I forgive you, Cas. Of course I forgive you.”?
And sure, Dean and Cas have had their bad spots. They’ve almost killed each other about a million different times. But this felt different for some reason.
Maybe Dean had had one too many outbursts. Maybe Cas had lost one too many battles. Maybe they both forwent the little niceties one too many times.
Whatever it was, it was not good, and Dean didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know how to tell Cas that, yes, he was pissed right the fuck off that his mom was dead and that his best friend was somewhat responsible for it. But he wasn’t mad at Cas. He was mad that his mom had died when he was four and that her death sparked this shitty life he had. He was pissed that she was not the kind of mother he remembered. He was mad that she left for a second time. And he was afraid that, since the first time his mom left everything went to shit, that the second time would be so much worse.
And Dean has never been good with his words. He doesn’t do “chick-flick” moments because the words just don’t come to him; they never have. He's better with his hands. He can fix anything that is wrong with baby in a matter of minutes. He can make an emf detector out of a walkman. And he can make a damn good burger.
But none of those things say “I’m sorry.” At least, not in the way he wants them to. None of them say “Cas, you are the most important person in my life and I am so thankful for you.” None of them say “I’m sorry I took a lifetime of anger out on you. I’ll do better.” None of them say “Thank you, Cas. For everything you have ever done for us. It doesn't go unnoticed.”
None of them say “Cas, you are the love of my life and I can’t believe I let you go.” And Dean simply does not know how to say that.