Work Text:
I love you.
It slips through your head when you see her in the crowded hallway, too far away to reach out.
I love you.
In the dark, when you lie in bed alone, still awake at 4 in the morning.
I love you.
When glimpse her number as you’re looking through your phone.
I love you.
On the tip of your tongue, every time you speak to her.
I love you.
Sometimes it’s like a bolt of ice. Sometimes it’s a fire, burning you inside and out. Sometimes it’s like a fog, creeping across your brain, everything else getting lost in the haze. It gets louder, and louder, the longer you ignore it. Whatever it is, however it comes, a special kind of pain. It threatens to take over, all the words you’re trying to get out replaced with a flood.
I love you, I love you. I love you.
You thought you could quiet the words in your head. You thought you could get them to fade.
Stay away from her.
I love you.
Stop thinking.
I love you.
Stop caring.
I love you.
Stop living.
I love you.
You start to feel like you’ll never be happy again. Because of her? Because of you.
Until maybe... you feel a crack. Maybe you see a light. Maybe you found a way to shut down the words in your head. Maybe you found a smile. A laugh.
But it doesn’t happen all at once.
“Mars.”
I love you.
“I was thinking of asking Parker out.”
I love you .
“I know we’re friends.”
I love you .
It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s slow. It’s not painful. When you see Parker, they fade off your tongue. They slip out of your mind. The words that were so loud, always pounding to be let out, quiet.
And you’re happy. Comfortable. She’s safe, and she’s sunshine, and she can be yours. You settle into her, you smile.
Everything’s softer with Parker. Quieter. Easier? Better?
But when is it that you realize
that when you’re with Parker
you have no desire to say I love you
to anyone?