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pushing open the door in front of him, changbin's smile couldn't be any bigger.
yet as soon as he got sight into the small dorm room his heart sunk to his stomach and the hand holding a bouquet of flowers behind him began to tremble.
clothes lingered the usually empty floor, some of which he couldn't even recognize. blankets were discarded on the ground, and the creaking of the bed echoed through the walls.
changbin was stuck. he couldn't move, his legs frozen in place and his arms falling limp by his side. the last bit of his strength divided into barely holding onto the beautiful lilacs between his shaky fingers and his voice rolling off his tongue with a tremble.
"babe..."
the air froze, everything went quiet and the only thing going through changbin's head was 'why'.
why was he at the door, with a bouquet of felix's favorite flowers in his hand that he intended to give to the freckled boy for their two year anniversary? why did felix say he was busy with school work? why did changbin decide to surprise the younger boy? why was he staring at his boyfriend, naked on his bed with another man hovering over him?
why was he so unfortunate?
"ch-changbin— wait, i can explain." the younger heaved with small gasps, catching his breath as he pushed the male off of him and scattered off the bed. grabbing his pair of shorts from the ground he pulled them on while making his way over to changbin.
the older just waited. he wasn't going to run away— not like he was able to, he was frozen in place. but he also wanted an explanation and he knew it was best to get one now.
he knew himself, and he knew if felix explained it any time later, fully clothed, skin clear of the hickeys that weren't left by changbin, and without a naked man standing off to the side behind felix— he would have forgiven the boy.
he would have forgiven him because felix had every last bit of his heart.
but not now, not anymore, because changbin heard his heart begin to crack.
"binnie..." felix's voice trailed off, standing in front of his boyfriend, his own eyes steadily kept on changbin's face, observing every feature of him.
but the brunette wasn't the same. his usually star-filled eyes were dull, heavy, and glistening with pain. they burned with betrayal, and felix knew it was because of him.
"if it's not what it seems, then explain to me what it is, felix."
'felix'. felix couldn't recall the last time changbin has called him by his name and it made him realize just what he has done. he had lost changbin.
"i—i'm sorry." he couldn't think of what to say because frankly, there was nothing to say. he cheated. he cheated and was caught red-handed.
changbin huffed and shifted his weight onto one foot, one hand coming up to put in his pocket. his fingers were trembling, and he didn't want the boy to see that. "that's not an explanation."
"i know." felix lowered his head. he felt terrible, he didn't mean for this to happen. "th-this was a mistake—"
"how long, felix." he looked up. "how long have you been doing this." changbin asked, locking eyes with the younger and trying his best to not cry. he wasn't going to break down. not now, not here, and not for someone who played his heart.
"binnie—"
"just fucking answer me felix—" he whisper yelled, his fist clenching around the flowers. his eyes closed and his eyebrows furrowed as he flexed his jaw. he wasn't going to break down.
"..seven months."
changbin bit the inside of his cheek as he opened his eyes.
'seven months.'
seven months of changbin taking felix
out on dates.
seven months of felix telling him he was busy.
seven months of changbin loving felix.
seven months of felix betraying his love.
he shook his head with a disbelieving laugh as he fixed his eyes on the wall to his right. "seven months of cheating is not a mistake, felix." he wasn't going to break.
"b-but it is. it was a stupid mistake. please, binnie. i'm sorry." felix pleaded, taking a step forward but stopping when changbin moved back
"a mistake is a one-time thing felix. seven months isn't a mistake." he inhaled to steady his breathing, feeling a quiver come to his lips. "you played me. you played my heart, my love, and my trust felix. and you knew what you were doing." he wasn't going to break.
"n-no. binnie, please, i'm sorry."
he wasn't. changbin knew he wasn't sorry. felix had so many options to choose from, so many things to say. he could have told changbin he will stop. he could have explained why he did it.
but he just apologized, because even felix knew that he just simply cheated because changbin wasn't good enough for him.
"felix. you could have said so many things, and yet here you are, apologizing, half-naked, skin littered with hickeys and someone else's handprints with an unknown guy sitting on your bed after you told me you were busy. with what? you were busy getting your brains fucked out by someone else." changbin whispered, keeping his voice low and steady and trying his best to not let the tears fall.
"binnie, no, wait. i'm sorry. please— I'll make it up to you."
'I'll make you believe i love you and play with your heart while letting other men have their way with me'
changbin looked up, locking eyes with felix and seemingly taking the boy by surprise as he flinched, his eyebrows furrowed in a worried frown. "no. no, you won't, and we both know that."
he wasn't going to break.
"binnie."
he wasn't going to break.
"i'm sorry, please, binnie."
he wasn't going to break.
"i love you."
he broke.
throwing the flowers on the ground, felix jumped as changbin looked at him with a glare. "no, you fucking don't." he yelled, and stepped closer to the younger. "you don't fucking know what loving someone is." he pointed a finger at felix's bare chest, eyes boring into the younger males face as he spat. "loving someone is being loyal. it's paying attention to them. it's dropping everything to give them support. loving someone is what i do. i bring you surprises when you feel down. i call in sick to work when you want to spend time. i break connections with people who make you insecure. i trust you—" his voice breaks as he pulls his hand away, tears welling in his eyes. "i trusted you." he whispers, and his chest hurts.
this was it.
"you never loved me felix. you don't know how to love." he breathed in, nearly wincing. his heart hurt. it hurt so bad and at that moment changbin believed that it will never stop hurting.
because felix was the only thing keeping his heart blooming with life.
"i hope you end up eventually finding someone you love." he stepped back, fixing his black denim jacket and putting his trembling hands in his pockets. "and then you'll understand how much you hurt me. because i loved you." and with a last breath he turned around, reaching down to grab the flowers that now dripped petals to the ground.
looking at it, his eyes were fond, yet his chest burned. he liked lilacs, always had, and was happy to share his love for the flower with felix. but now it just left a bitter aftertaste, and he hated that. he hated felix for ruining his favorite flowers.
resting them on the shelf he walked out, closing the door behind himself. "goodbye, felix." he whispered, and not once did he look back at felix who stared at him from inside.
felix messed up and he messed up big time, but the only thing on his mind was to forget about the pang in his chest. hands snaking around his waist and breath fanning over his neck, he knew just how he would forget about the grief, even if it was the whole cause of his pain.
letting out a hum, he tilted his head and let the other male's lips linger on his shoulder before he was turned around and met with said lips on his own.
—~<¥>~—
changbin stepped out of the building, and as soon as the chilly night air hit his face, he broke down. tears ran down his face as he looked up to the sky, sobbing.
he was in so much pain. everything hurt, including his torn heart that bled through his chest, radiating its burning flames all the way up to his throat. his lungs ached and strained to gasp for air.
he had to get away. changbin had to go. go away, go somewhere, go anywhere that wasn't near felix.
before even thinking about it, his legs began moving. he was walking, hands in his pockets and tears trickling down his cold cheeks.
felix's melodious laughs echoed in his ears. his freckle filled cheeks and honey pool eyes glistening in the sunlight with flowers lingering in his pale blonde hair.
he shook his head with a whimper, his feet picking up a faster pace and speed walking down the sidewalk in the outskirts of the city. street lights illuminated his path with additional windows that seeped late-night lights into the outside world.
familiar, small hands intertwined with his.
he gasped, harshly ripping his left arm out of his pocket and looking at his hand with a shaky breath. nothing was there, it was just a memory. staring at his palm he looked at his ring finger. the small ring sitting on the base of his finger glistened in the dim light.
he opened a little box and felix's eyes lit up. small hands held changbins bigger one, carefully slipping a promise ring onto his finger, a matching one decorating felix's as it sparkled in the sunlight.
letting out a sob he grabbed the ring and took it off, throwing it out onto the road.
he gritted his teeth and broke out into a jog. his lungs were suffocating him, his chest was tight and crushing him, and his mind was filling with thoughts. he felt trapped. he felt trapped by his own body as he cried.
soft, plump lips lingered on his own. gentle fingers grazed his side all the way up to his shoulders with a soft breath slipping past his lips.
changbin shivered and ran. he began running, tears streaming down his cheeks and sobs trembling in his chest.
hands cupped his cheeks with heavy eyes staring into his. head tilting back and lips parting, freckle covered skin glistening with sweat.
god, why.
bruised, puffy lips nibbling on his skin, teeth grazing against his neck. nails digging into his back and voices mixing, breaths mingling thickly.
why, why.
hair sticking to his forehead, lips glistening and eyes blissed.
no, stop
he leaned up, soft whispers hitting his ear.
stop, go away
'i love you'
stopping in his tracks he nearly dropped to his knees as his hands reached to his head. "fuck!" he yelled, loud and devastated, dragged out so far his voice broke into it and his throat hurt. he sobbed, heaving to catch his breath as he fell to the ground and leaned against the metal fence surrounding one of the kid's play areas.
he had ran, ran so far that he was out of the city and instead now reached an empty park. he was numb, his legs burned, he was heartbroken, and soulless as he leaned his head back with a whimper falling from his lips and his hands clutching his chest.
"fuck." he whispered and winced at how raw his voice was. he had definitely strained it, but that was the least of his concerns.
everything spun around him, he was lightheaded and was aching all over, and his heart hurt so bad he feared he might just be having a heart attack.
maybe he really will die from a broken heart in the end.
the voice of his friends rings in his head as they said such words. they said he's too kind, too loving for the wrong people, and too willing to break his own heart for someone else.
maybe they were right, and yet at the time he just laughed at them.
he missed his friends.
he was alone. he didn't have anyone anymore.
the realization seemed to kick in as the tears began falling again. changbin was alone. his lover was gone, he had long ago lost all his friends, and even his family had lost connection with him.
he was alone, and it was terrifying.
"well, you don't seem to be doing too good."
changbin's eyes shot open and he cursed at himself. he was so caught up in his own problems he didn't even bother looking around to see if anyone was there. he just assumed there wasn't, considering how late it was and how high the moon had sat in the sky.
a man stood in front of him, by the looks of it not much taller than he was, but far leaner and boyish than changbin himself.
his hair was messy, blonde, the roots have grown out into a deep, dark, dirty brown. he had on an orange hoodie with a black leather jacket over it, the sleeve underneath longer and falling down to his knuckles. ashy black skinny jeans hugged his lean legs, ripped at the knees and a silver chain dangling on one side, similar to the one around his neck just thicker.
jisung shifted his weight from one leg to the other as changbin looked at him, his doc martins thumping lightly over the cement pathway, and lips parted wide enough to let the smoke drip down from them.
"you're not wrong on that one." changbin sighed, wiping his face with his hand and wincing. his fingers were freezing cold.
the man just looked at him, seemingly in thought as he took another drag of his cigarette.
changbin kept his eyes down, shuffling his feet under himself and leaning on one arm while shifting his attention up to the man from time to time.
with a hum, he puffed out a cloud of smoke and stepped over to changbin.
he watched the male steadily as he sat down next to him. he didn't really feel cautious but was watching more out of interest. he intrigued changbin.
lifting his hand up to his lips yet again, the male inhaled a lungful of nicotine, keeping it in with a light hum.
it reminded changbin of old times. he watched the man from the corner of his eyes, seeing how his head tilted back while gazing at the sky. he seemed calm, almost high even.
huffing out the smoke, the brunette scrunched up his nose and the blonde man seemed to notice. "not a smoker?"
changbin shifted a bit away from the man, shaking his head. "no, i mean yeah—" he hummed, looking around the park with a light gaze. "i don't like the brand." he stated simply, looking at the man.
his lips pulled up into a small grin, staring back at changbin. he found the brunette to be quite interesting, not sure why maybe it was from his light nicotine high. with an amused huff he put out the sizzling end of the death stick against the cemented ground. "not my favorite either, but it still gets me just high enough." he smiled at changbin.
he couldn't argue. changbin was familiar with the brand, thus knew he didn't like the smell, but also knew that it was one of the stronger ones.
he smoked a stick or two of those before in his life, so he totally understood why the blonde male would say such a thing.
"i get that." his mind wandered off to the freckle-faced male yet again. he was the reason changbin had quit smoking, not like he was an addict or any of the sort before. he smoked from time to time just to get his mind off things and boost his happy hormones, even if just for a few minutes or so.
his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes welled up in tears. god, he was pathetic.
just when he was about to break down crying again, an orange presented itself before his eyes. relaxing his facial muscles, his eyebrows pulled up in a surprised manner as he glanced over at the male. the blonde man was giving him the fruit, while he himself seemed to snack on some segments.
changbin huffed and took it from his hand. "thanks." he whispered and began to peel the skin off. "works for the smell, huh."
a chill ran down changbins back at the sound of the blonde male's genuine laugh. there was something about this man that just kept him on edge, but not in a bad way. it kept him wondering what he was thinking, what he was going to say or do next.
the man intrigued him extremely.
"yeah, works really well, and tastes good too." he smiled and changbin returned the gesture with a light hum.
discarding of the peel-off, he threw it by his feet and broke the now skinless fruit in half before taking a segment and putting it in his mouth. he hummed at the flavor, sweet with just the right amount of tart aftertaste that lingered on his tongue.
it was nice. it reminded him of times before felix. times, when he had no worries in the world and his only care in the world, was for himself.
"that smile looks better on you. tears don't suit you well."
changbin looked over. the blonde man was watching him, eyes thin in crescents and his gums showing from a smile. he looked so kind, and changbin could only wonder what he was doing out so late in the night, smoking by himself.
he rolled his eyes and threw another piece of a soury-sweet segment into his mouth. "i had a reason to cry, and now i had a reason to smile. i don't care which one suits me more."
"and why did you smile?"
changbin was taken aback by the question. it was unusual in a sense. people, as far as he had encountered, usually asked why someone was crying. it always came first. why was someone grieving?
but it ended up bringing up the painful memories yet again, and changbin hated that.
but the man beside him, who he only
met ten minutes ago and hasn't even exchanged names with, was asking him why he was smiling. why he was happy.
he couldn't help the meek grin curling at his lips again. "i just remembered some good times. times when i was happy and had no worries, just focusing on me, my life, and what made me happy." he laughed a bit. it was amusing how open he was being but frankly, it didn't feel weird.
jisung hummed, interested in the brunette's every word. he liked this man. he was curious but also didn't want to bring up bad memories for the brunette. he personally didn't like to pry into people's bad memories, but he wanted to know more about the brunette. maybe he'd give it a go, just not right now.
"that's a good thing to think about." he smiled, stuffing some segments into his mouth and calmly chewing on them, savoring the flavor that washed over the previously ashy taste of his cigarette. he wasn't even sure why he smoked. he hated the burnt and bitter taste, but it temporarily relaxed his mind.
it worked just well enough for him.
"and what are you thinking about?"
he turned his attention to the dark-haired male, realizing he had zoned out while staring at the oranges in his hands. with a shy chuckle, he answered. "i was wondering why the hell I still smoke. it has a nasty taste." he fake puked and couldn't help a smile curl at his lips when the man beside him threw his head back with a laugh.
it was genuine. he liked to see the male smile and laugh as it really did suit him well.
"i totally understand that." changbin hummed with a light giggle. turning his eyes over to his feet, the blonde man shifted beside him to sit criss cross next to him. "i used to smoke for a while, though even i don't know why. i hate the taste, and the smell of most brands just made my stomach churn." he scrunched his nose up in disgust.
the blonde male hummed next to him, agreeing nonverbally. changbin's mind wandered, and without even thinking too much about it, continued speaking. "i stopped smoking when someone i loved came into my life. they gave me a reason to stop, and i did."
the man's attention shifted to changbins face, realizing the hurt wash over his deep brown eyes. he didn't like to see that. he didn't want this man to feel hurt, even if he didn't know him.
"i'm contemplating getting back to it, but then again, i didn't really like it at the time either." with a sigh he dropped his head between his shoulder. "but there's nothing keeping me happy anymore."
god, he hated relationship drama. jisung let out a breath, averting his eyes to a bench somewhere off ahead of them, almost on the opposite side of the park. "this is a bold assumption but i'm guessing you broke up?"
changbin looked over his shoulder, simply moving his eyes and seeing how the blonde man no longer tried to keep eye contact. 'why?' with a shake of his head he shooed the thought away. "yeah. that's why i'm here right now."
"you got dumped?"
changbin huffed, a hurt smile cracking at his lips as he rested his chin on the top of his knees. "kind of i guess. i found him cheating."
his eyes widened in surprise. first of all, he really just assumed that the brunette was dumped and was being petty while crying at the park as soon as he mentioned he had a breakup. why? well, because as far as he knew, no man he has ever encountered cried over some girl dumping them.
but turns out it wasn't a girl and wasn't a petty breakup.
jisung really misjudged this one.
"how long were you guys together?" he subconsciously became wary. why did he become so nervous? maybe because he himself preferred men, but the brunette was so nonchalant about it. he envied that. he wanted to be so open and not caring about such minor things.
or maybe he was giddy almost, believing somewhere in the back of his mind he'd have a chance. but what was he thinking? he just met this man, and yet his heartbeat echoed loudly in his ears.
changbin glanced over, noticing how the man began to fidget with his fingers. could it be he was nervous and the effects of the smoke were wearing off? but it's been too recent. maybe he was uncomfortable? but then why would he ask? why?
he realized that question was a regular visitor in his mind today.
he huffed. "we would have had our two year anniversary today." a flashback came to his mind and he nearly hit his head just to get the image out of his head.
he hated it. he hated just how much he loved the boy, and all he was was a wallet and someone to pleasure him.
seemingly even that wasn't good enough though.
"turns out he's been cheating for seven months." he chuckled, almost sounding like a sob, and with all honesty, he was close to breaking down again, but he wanted to talk. he wanted to talk about it, get it off his chest, and never think about it again.
"he said he was busy studying, so i decided to just stop by with a little surprise." his voice turned soft, almost a whisper in the silence as he looked at the small flowers peeking their head up from the long strands of grass by the sidewalk.
the blonde man just watched, silently, listening to every word and phrase, and how his tone shifted from that of fond to one of hurt and betrayed. he really must have loved whoever this man was, and the only thing on his mind was. 'who would do such a thing?'
he didn't know the brunette. he didn't know his name, didn't know how old he was or where he was from. but he realized just how much he must have cherished this scumbag of a man, and still ended up getting played with.
jisung could only glare at his hands. how would he ever find someone, when such a person like the brunette next to him was played with? he cursed at himself and ripped his gaze away from the pit of his palms. he could never even dream of hurting such a man's heart.
"i brought him our favorite flowers. lilacs, that i grew up to love so much, but now it just kind of has this bitter memory latched onto it." he remembered the first time he bought lilacs for felix. the freckle-faced boy was so happy at the time, telling changbin they're beautiful and how much he loved them.
changbin wondered if he was genuine at the time. he wondered if he was ever genuine with him.
he laughed, embarrassed. "sorry, im not sure why i'm telling you this. it's all petty and sad and in the past. nothing to be changed about it."
he expected a snarky remark, a huff or a hum, but the man beside him was silent. it made him nervous. maybe he had made him uncomfortable. maybe he didn't like the idea of a man dating a man. maybe he thought changbin was overdramatic.
"sometimes." the man's voice suddenly reached him as he glanced over. he was playing with a small daisy in his hand, twirling it between his fingers oh so gently like it could snap in half any moment. "sometimes the right one just comes..." he trailed off, turning his head to the side and locking eyes with changbin.
"...when you least expect them to." he smiled, such a sweet, innocent smile, directed right at changbin.
changbin's eyes widened, almost like a spark had just glistened around them, and he couldn't believe it. his heart skipped a beat, ears flushing a light red and his fingers began to fidget.
and right then and there, changbin thought maybe his heart would have another chance. and this time, he'd make sure to take care of his love.
without either saying anything, they spent the night in the park, hearts hammering in their chest like little kids talking to their first crush, giggling, and talking like there were no other worries in the world around them.
they were content, enjoying each other's company, without even knowing the other's name.
and frankly, they didn't mind. jisung was able to relax with someone, and changbin didn't feel like he was alone anymore.