Chapter Text
Trigger Warning: Mentions of death (suicide)/angst
Prologue
Do you ever wonder why it is you stay? Even after everything was lost? Even after nothing was tying you down to this life? Why? What was it that kept you coming back for more? What was it that kept you fighting?
It felt like yesterday. You can still remember the smell. The distinct stench of death. The walls, rotting around you. The drip of the leaking faucet in your kitchen. The air pungent with dust, and every surface covered in grime. The pit in your stomach as you woke up that day.... not to the smell of whatever it was your mother had managed to scrape up. The breakfast you ate; but never realized until you had gotten older but found yourself wondering... how many men did she have to sell a piece of her soul to... just for me to eat for the day?
You remember the silence most of all. It had never been that quiet. Your small, dirty home had always been a reason for misery, but it was always filled with warmth somehow. With the warmth that she emanated. The small smile she gave you as she woke you up; excited to be able to give you food. The story she told you last night lingered in the back of your mind as you looked around the room.
“The heroine is brave (Y/N)... she fights for what she wants and she never backs down to anyone... she fights to give those around her a better life. She fights for a reason to live.”
“But how mama? How do you find it? The reason?” You watched your mother’s eyes fill with tears. “Some people find it... and they hold on to it.... others ... as much as they want to stay, it becomes too painful...”
“I don’t understand what you mean...” You watch her kiss your forehead as you gaze at her through a haze of sleepiness and confusion.
“You will.” She smiles with a hollowness in her eyes as she hums you to sleep. Maybe tomorrow you would be able to steal a pretty piece of jewelry from the merchants in the market to take away the emptiness in her gaze.
The memory departs as you swallow thickly. The smell comes from the closet. Your mind starts to come up with other reasons why it could be permeating the air in your small cramped room.
Maybe she had food that went bad? Mama did say she had a surprise for me. Maybe that was it...
Your small feet drag as you reach the closet, throwing open the door with an aching in your chest. The world around you seems to spin for a moment, and the sobs ripping through your frame render you unable to breathe for a few seconds. Your beautiful mother, gone.... lifeless.... beaten down by the cruel and disparaging world around you... Your first thought is... why? Why would she do this? Didn’t she know how much you needed her? Didn’t she know that doing this was essentially sentencing you to death? Did she even care? All those moments... the stories told by candlelight, the hard-earned pieces of stale bread, the nights spent singing you to sleep... were they just a lie? Had she planned this all along?
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The first few days without your mother were spent in a daze. Your whole body was numb for hours. You have a brief memory of going to the market and stealing bread.... of spending the day scrubbing the floors and worn-out furniture to keep it clean just like she would have wanted. Of laying her on the bed and sleeping on the cold, hard floor. The first few days of loneliness were the worst. The feeling of fear creeping in was suffocating. You realized you should have told her it would be alright. You could have given her a task to look forward to. You could have sung her to sleep just like she had always done for you.. or told her a funny story, the ones she loved to hear.
You realized that you hadn’t listened to the sound of her voice attentively enough. You hadn’t looked at her face long enough. You should have stayed awake to keep an eye on her like you had done times before. The days she would come home from the brothel and would weep at the foot of the bed. Weeping for what...you never knew. And you would never know. No one came to check on you. No one cared. That was the reality you came to realize those first few days. No one would care if you become a rotting corpse.
They’d simply come by for the rent and throw you out once they realized that you had no money. You came to the conclusion that if you wanted to survive, you needed to make connections, to become stronger. It was hard enough for girls, for women to make it by on something other than selling their bodies. Although at that time it wasn’t fully clear to you all that it entailed, the general gist of it was that it took away your mother from you. You knew if you could somehow make yourself worth something, you could live long enough to see the sunlight your mother always spoke about. To see the scenery you had read in a book she had never told you how she had acquired.
This couldn’t be all life had to offer you. This couldn’t be all you would ever know. The filth of the four walls encasing you like a coffin. You stood up, shook the dust off your clothes. You suddenly remembered the woman your mother was always with, would always talk about when she came home from her job. Maybe she could help, offer you a place to live. You had known her and her son well enough. Spent hours at their humble abode, the only company you and your mother had in this place.
Kuchel...
Your mother walked alongside you. “I never want to see you in this part of town again! Am I understood?” She pulled you away from the building with an iron grip. Her delicate features were twisted in anger and fear.
“I just... wanted to see you, mama. You’re always gone and you promised we would read tonight.” You said in a hushed tone.
Her eyes widen as she pinches your arm. “Shh! Pipe down (Y/N).” At the sight of tears brimming in your eyes, she softens and sighs, kneeling down to your level. “Never mention that in the open. Do you understand? It’s dangerous.”
You nod and wipe at your nose with the sleeve of your baggy shirt. “Yes, mama.”
She kisses your cheek. “(Y/N), never follow me here. Never come here again okay? You’re too young for this. I’ll try to come home earlier from now on, though I can’t promise anything. How does that sound?”
Your (e/c) eyes brightened with joy. “I’d like that very much, mama.”
As you hug her you notice a woman approaching you. She was small, petite but the womanly features were evident through the thin fabric of the long white dress she wore. Her hair was the darkest ebony you’d ever seen; long and silky, almost reaching her waist. Her skin was like porcelain, but her eyes... you would never forget them as long as you lived. Smoky, silvery ash that shone with an emotion you rarely saw in your own mother’s eyes.
“Olivia.” Her voice was like silk. Smooth, and gentle yet commanding attention.
Your mother turned and smiled. “Kuchel. How nice to see you! This is my daughter, (Y/N).” You waved from behind your mother’s leg and smiled tentatively.
“Hello, Ms. Kuchel.” She laughs and the sound brightens the atmosphere.
“Hello there (Y/N). She’s so beautiful Olivia.”
Your mother gives her a proud smile. “Thank you, Kuchel.”
“I was just wondering if you wanted to come to my house tonight. I’ve gotten a bit more share tonight and I remember you saying you had a small daughter. You see, my son is a little older and doesn’t interact very much with the other children. I thought maybe it’d be nice if they met, and if we caught up with each other. It’s been months Olivia.”
You watched your mother look at you, as you pleaded with your eyes for her to accept. It’d been so long since you’ve talked to another child. The girl next door whom you used to talk to; and her mother had disappeared one day and never returned.
Your mother nods. “We’d like that very much. Thank you for having us.” Your mother grabs your hand and you watch them as the three of you walk in the opposite direction of your home. Your mother had never been this animated with other people, it was nice to see she could forget about their circumstances and share a part of herself with someone else. Soon the three of you arrived at a small house and you watched as Kuchel opened the door.
You were impressed with the little room. It might’ve been smaller than yours, but it was homely. You could tell Kuchel made an effort to keep it as clean as she could, just like your mother did. ‘It is harder to be sad if at least your surroundings are tidy’, your mother always said. Kuchel smiles as a small boy approaches her and hugs her. You stay behind your mother’s leg as the boy looks at the two of you tentatively. He was only a bit taller than you.. his black hair styled into an undercut, wearing one of his mother’s shirts. It was big on him, you were barely able to see his arms; only his bare feet. The one thing you did notice was the resemblance to the beautiful woman. The way they both lit up as they saw each other. How long had it been since your mother and yourself had been that happy after a long day of her away?
You were jealous. They had something you desperately wanted. Or more so, Kuchel did. She had a reason for joy.
The boy watched you from behind his mother’s leg shyly and you felt your mother nudge you to introduce yourself.
You stumbled forward a bit and put on a little smile. “Hi. I’m (Y/N).” Your hand extended forward, you patiently waited as Kuchel urged him to go on.
“I...I’m Levi.” He shook your hand briefly, then went back to his mother’s side. Looking at you from head to toe, almost as if you were going to do something to him. You decided then you liked the sound of his voice.
You knew he was someone you were going to get along with. Even if he was shy and cautious. The rest of the dinner was one of the happiest memories you had in your short life until now. Your mothers had spent hours talking, and you were excited to share all your ideas and stories with Levi. He spent most of the time staring at you, and only talking in short, clipped sentences; but you could tell he enjoyed hearing about the world above ground.
The next few months were spent with Levi. Your mothers coming to an agreement that it was better if the two of you were together while they were gone. It was a way to compensate for the immense loneliness the two of you felt while they were at work. You smuggled the book in your shirt and read it aloud as the hours passed on. He only watched and spoke occasionally to ask questions. It was then you realized he didn’t know how to read. At least not comprehensively. Kuchel had taught him the basic alphabet, but he rarely practiced reading and writing since they had no books available in the Underground. Where your mother had gotten yours, you would never know.
You practiced with Levi every day. The days that weren’t spent practicing with him were spent with him dragging you to the small spot where his mother took him to get sunlight. A small hole that gave you a glimpse of the freedom you would never be able to have.
“Ma takes me here every week. When she’s not working.” He spoke softly as you stared up in wonder at the sliver of sunlight that hit your skin.
“Why?” You tilted your head curiously.
Levi looked back at you and furrowed his brows. “What do you mean why?” He blinked back at you in confusion.
You sighed in exasperation. “Why come here? Isn’t it worse to sit here and stare up, knowing you’ll never be up there? To give yourself false hope? Why even come here at all?”
Levi stared back at you and shrugged. “It’s better than nothing at all. That’s what she tells me.”
You tilted your head upward and narrowed your eyes at the hole. As if it was taunting you, reminding you that you were nothing but an underground rat.
“I want it all... or nothing at all.” You said resolutely. ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
That was months ago. Come to think of it, it had been months since you had seen either of them. Your mother had suddenly announced one day that you weren’t going to be visiting them anymore.
You had cried and asked her why and she had harshly said, “Because it’s better that way.”
You hadn’t understood what she meant until you decided that you were going to see them. You carefully got the fire burning and made sure a few candles were lit. The illusion of life needed to be convincing, or someone would find out it was just you there now.
You wrapped yourself in your mother’s clothes and made your way to Kuchel’s home. A small kitchen knife inside strapped to you. As you hurriedly walked; the orange lights of the city illuminated the dark. You scoffed to yourself. As if those lights were meant to replace the natural sunlight human bodies desperately needed. You had seen the countless homeless people on the streets, legs bad because they had never gotten a glimpse of the sun.
Your heart pounded as you reached the door. Oddly enough, there was no light shining through the small holes of the “window” that were above what served as a stove. It was strangely quiet, and you couldn’t shake that same ominous feeling that you had a few days ago after finding your mother.
You knocked but got no response. After ten minutes of standing outside, you slowly reached for the doorknob. The door creaked as you turned the knob and an awful, pungent smell hit you so hard, you had to cover your mouth and nose to keep from gagging.
You coughed and your blood ran cold as you tried to regain your composure. You recognized that smell... all too well. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness, you almost wished you didn’t have the ability of sight.
The words your mother had said to you, echoed in your mind. ‘Because... it’s better this way...’
The woman atop the bed was not Kuchel. It was an empty, hollow shell of what had once been the most beautiful person you had ever known.
Her cheeks were sunken in and hollow. Her hair was devoid of the shine you had remembered. Her skin was gray, almost ghoul-like. Her teeth were protruding from her mouth, which was always smiling at both you and Levi after those long days that no one dared to speak about aloud. The room was filthy, dust and mold covered the walls. Most of all... it was the same silence that settled deep in your bones.
The kind of silence that seeped into your pores and left you numb. You didn’t see him until you called his name. “Levi?” You stepped inside and tried not to focus your gaze on the corpse on the bed.
“It’s me... (Y/N)... Please tell me you’re here... that you’re alive.” Out of the corner of your eye, you caught movement.
When he brought his head up from his knees you felt a sadness you would never feel for years to come after.
His hair was long, reaching past his hollow cheeks. His eyes seemed to bulge out of his gray skin. His mother’s shirt hung off his emaciated frame and guilt consumed you. Had no one come to check on them? How long has Levi sat in the corner of this room, like you had been doing for the past few days..? No one cared... not even your mother or... you.
You swallowed the lump in your throat.
Levi blinked at you and both of you stared at each other for the longest time.
An eternity passed before you cleared your throat. “Your hair is long. Longer than I remember.”
He grabs a hold of a lock of hair and lets it fall before staring at the bed. “Ma told me she would cut it when she got better.” His voice is raspy and nothing more than a whisper from misuse.
You strode across the room and sat next to him. “Why are you just sitting here? How long has it been since you’ve eaten... slept?” You looked over at him as he blinked and contemplated even answering you.
“What’s the point?” He said, no emotion whatsoever in his voice.
“My mom is dead too...” You blurted out. “I found her a few days ago... I’m sorry I haven’t seen you in months, I didn’t know that.....”
“That she was sick.” He finishes. He looks to you blankly. “Everyone knew, but... no one cared.”
You swallowed the lump in your throat and couldn’t fight back the tears streaming down your cheeks.
“I care Levi. I care that this happened. I’m sorry.....” You sobbed and took a deep breath to calm down.
Crying would solve nothing. It definitely wouldn’t keep you both alive.
“I’m going to get you some food from my house. I only have stale bread but....” His words from all those months ago suddenly made sense to you at that moment.
“It’s better than nothing at all..... I won’t leave you alone. Okay?” You pleaded for him to look at you, and when you finally did you could see his eyes finally light with an unreadable emotion.
“Why?” He rasps. “Why do you care?” Levi stares, waiting for your answer.
Moments go by as you utter aloud the painful, yet true sentence you hadn’t wanted to. It would only make this circumstance real and solid.
“You’re all I have left.”