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It's been two months since Steve brought Bucky back to their home in Brooklyn. Two months of hard work that leaves them both exhausted and sometimes less than hopeful. If Bucky feels like leaving he doesn't tell Steve; and if Steve feels like crying he doesn't show it.
Somedays neither of them can get out of bed so they lie awake, backs turned to each other. Each of them pretends to sleep but Steve can feel the soft sobs that shake Bucky's body, and Bucky can hear the rustling of sheets as Steve fights the urge to reach over and hold him. Neither of them says a word, choosing to suffer alone rather than realize that they're in this endless sea of torment together.
Somedays life is okay. Steve sketches Bucky's form, watching as he flips pancakes for the both of them. On these days they talk about the giant elephant in the room; even if it's only a few questions and vague answers. They try. Only, the thing is neither of them is willing to shatter this false world they've built where everything is the same as it used to be.
So on one seemingly normal day Steve gets up and brushes the sleep out of his mind before getting up to go running.
****
Bucky wakes up slowly as he rolls over only to find that the other half of his bed is not occupied by a blonde super soldier.
Panic grips his heart and clarity reaches his mind as he sits up swiftly looking for any sign of his best friend. He barely feels the sheets against his skin as he slides silently out of bed until he feels the cold wood floor on his feet below. Stepping forward, careful to remain quiet, he reaches out to wrap a hand made of flesh and bone around the gold knob of his bedroom door. Another hand made of metal is hanging loose at his side, ready to attack if needed.
As the door opens a crack, one crystal blue eye can be seen looking out of the bedroom and into the rest of the apartment.
"Steve?" Bucky whispers this to an empty space and instantly regrets it knowing that he has just given away his position to any intruder.
Deciding to throw caution to the wind he opens the door fully and walks into the living space of his home. He expects to hear the shower running or smell bacon and hear Steve's smooth singing voice fill his eardrums. Yet all that meets him is the stale silence he's been so afraid of. Feeling hysteria come to the front of his mind he sprints the few feet to the front door to find that it is unlocked. He races back to their bedroom hoping he somehow missed the tall man he's been ignoring for months.
An empty room greets him as he begins to hyperventilate and backs himself into a corner. He falls into a sitting position wrapping his arms around his folded knees that he's brought to his chest. He assumes the worst as images of a Steve he hasn't known in a long time fills his mind. Steve is small and frail and coughing up a storm. Just when Bucky feels it couldn't get worse he sees hands grabbing at Steve. His Steve! They're pulling him away from Bucky.
"No! Steve, fight back! Just hang on Stevie I'm coming!" Except he can't move and the next thing he sees is Steve's bloodied face, he's whispering something but Bucky can't hear him. He tries to run to him but his legs won't move. He tries to scream for Steve, but his voice won't come out. He's hopeless and all he can do is cry. So he does, he cries and cries as he watches his Stevie be mutilated by his faceless captors. They're tearing at his skin and laughing at his pain and all the while Steve just keeps whispering. And fuck if Bucky wishes he could hear him it doesn't matter.
Things can't get any worse.
Until they do. It becomes clear what Steve is saying, it's his name. He's whispering Bucky's name over and over begging him to save him, begging him to end his pain. And Bucky knows he's failed, he didn't protect Steve.
****
Steve finishes his run after about three hours and figures that Bucky might be awake by now. He heads back to their apartment and climbs the stairs slowly. He doesn't know what he expected to see when he returned home, but it wasn't an empty living room. Stepping into the small space he figures Bucky must still be asleep. He begins to leave the apartment deciding to do a few errands while Bucky is still unconscious. Though he is stopped midstride by a large scream.
"Steve! No! Stevie!" The screams are more of a shriek; and he can feel the anguish they are fueled by. Before he knows what he's doing he's wrenched the bedroom door open to be greeted by a hysterical Bucky.
His hair is falling over his face and he is curled into himself in the left corner, the only corner where you can see all the entrances in the room.
He's sobbing and Steve can see the tears on his face.
Steve feels frozen until another scream tears it's way out of Bucky's throat.
"Don't hurt him! Take me instead, please, please take me! He doesn't deserve this!" Steve feels tears well up in his own eyes and he crosses the room quickly and gently pulls at Bucky's arms and unlocked them from around his knees.
"Bucky, Bucky. Please snap out of it. I'm here. Look at me. Please!"
Bucky is still shaking when his eyes suddenly snap open and his mouth to speak.
"Steve?" He looks disbelieving. The blonde man nods. "It's me Buck."
Steve sees Bucky's hand hit his face before he feels it. It happens so fast that he doesn't realize that his head has turned to the side, moved by the power of the slap.
He turns to look at Bucky and sees him cradling his flesh arm against his chest. His eyes are pained and his mouth is hanging open in shock at what he's done.
Steve feels anger well up in his stomach and he can't stop the words that come out of his mouth.
"What the fuck Bucky?" He looks absolutely she'll shocked.
"Steve I-I I'm sorry. I didn't meant to- I thought you were taken. You didn't tell me you were leaving and I just-I'm so sorry. I can't believe I hit you. Oh my god. I hit you."
He suddenly seems to realize exactly what he's done and rushes forward to touch Steve's face.
Steve steps back and Bucky tries to ignore the hurt he feels in his own heart.
"I'm not going to- I shouldn't have- I didn't mean to hurt you Steve. I'd never hurt you Stevie. Please you have to believe me!" He's close to tears again.
There's silence for a few moments while Steve chooses what to say.
"Then why do you keep pushing me away?" It's barely a whisper but Bucky heard him and he can't ignore the pang of hurt that hits him this time.
"I don't mean to." His voice cracks half way through.
"But you do." Steve's voice has raised even if it's only a little bit and Bucky notices and shrinks back into himself. His flesh arm curls around his torso and he looks down too scared to look at his best friend.
He hears Steve sigh and the next thing he knows strong arms are wrapped around him pulling him close.
"I'm sorry buck. I'm just frustrated. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was leaving. I honestly thought you would figure it out. I shouldn't have assumed."
Bucky's tears begin to soak through Steve's shirt and if he notices he doesn't say anything.
Steve's not sure how long they stand there. He just knows that eventually Bucky's knees give out and Steve picks him up and carries him to their bed.
Laying on his back with Bucky resting on top of his body, Steve runs his fingers through Bucky's long tresses. At some point he begins to sing and Bucky calms down enough to speak.
"I thought I'd lost you. That maybe you'd finally gotten fed up, or that someone took you. Please don't leave me Stevie. I can't lose you. I know I failed you. I know I didn't protect you- but please don't leave me." He wraps his fingers into the cotton of Steve's shirt waiting for a breath as Steve gathers his thoughts. Suddenly Steve pulls them into a sitting position and looks at Bucky.
"I'm not going anywhere Buck. Do you know why?"
Bucky shakes his head no while running his sleeve across his runny nose.
"Because," Steve says while picking up Bucky's metal hand. "I love you." He places a gentle kiss against metal knuckles and smiles up at his best friend. "I love all of you." He whispers this before he presses a small kiss to Bucky's lips.
Bucky hiccups and jumps forward pushing Steve back onto his back before returning his head to the sculpted chest below him.
"I love you too punk."