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Almost every zanpakuto is
the same at the
beginning.
Asauchi.
Faceless nameless molds
shaped by the essence of
the shinigami's soul to
become their blade and
their god.
But what if this mold is
broken and useless,
forever unable to become
something.
But what if there is a soul
inside a soul aching to
break from its own
shapelessness.
Will they destroy each other.
Or complete each other.
To create something that
will become both of them.
And neither of them.
A Distorted Imitation.
That is their name.
In a large room there are two people sitting at the same table, one cup of cold water between them.
One is a venerable gentleman with temples whitened from age. Although his dress is plane and simple, it's tailored finely and folds smoothly—it's evident that the simplicity of it is only in the looks.
The other is a tired young woman, shivering in her tattered clothes, smeared with blood, rouge, and powders. She would look like she was taken here from the streets, if only her posture wasn't so perfectly graceful, and her bearing stoic and prideful, unshakable even in the face of rage that she's facing.
"Who gave you the right to dishonor the memory of our late daughter!?" The gentleman asks her harshly. "We have buried her months ago, and now you arrive at our doorstep, parading her name like your own in front of her mourning parents! Insolent wretch! Do you have any shame left!?"
He looks so different from her memory, she can almost mistake him for another man. Wouldn't it be nice to know he is a different person, and not the father that raised her fondly for almost fifteen years..?
Oh, how painful it is to know that this love is no more.
Hikaruko swallows the bitter tears of betrayal rising up from her very heart.
These months that she was no better than dead, the only thought that kept the semblance of life in her was the thought of her home.
And now that she's finally here, that home no longer welcomes her.
He says they've buried her months ago—were they searching for her at all..?
It's a scary thought, but could there be another explanation?
Instead of saving their own daughter, they've discarded her for the sake of her sisters' and cousins' reputation.
The thought of it hurts so much, it becomes almost laughable. And those were the people she was so desperate to return to? Those were the people that she hoped would help her avenge herself?!
Something that helped her get through the nightmare her life became, turns into ashes scattered by the wind—never to be caught, lost forever.
Hikaruko forces herself to stay silent, tightly squeezing her fists.
When the white-eyed dog tried to make her his obedient slave, it was always this pride that she learned at her mother's knees stopping her.
"My apologies," she says hoarsely, prostrating herself in front of her father, who refuses to acknowledge her. "For being an annoyance to your house, Mizusakusa-sama."
She drinks the cold water that was served for her in place of tea to remind her once more that she's no longer welcomed here, and silently says her goodbyes.
To home, now lost. To parents, who betrayed her. To family, who buried her.
There's no one to love her now. No one to avenge her—but that she can do by herself. As for love… Is there a need in this fickle meaningless feeling, so easily replaced with an icy indifference..?
Hikaruko takes her first step to leave, but the room suddenly turns around; the floor becomes ceiling, blurry and distant.
She hears her father's voice, slurred by creeping nothingness.
"If you couldn't find the courage to pay for your sins in blood, you should've never come back at all, you shameless bedwarmer of a lecherous dog."
So he never intended to let her leave in the first place…
Was it her fault that she was born beautiful?
Was it her fault that she was weaker than him?
Was it her fault that he taught her to fear death more than dishonor..?
When Hikaruko opens her eyes again, she can't be called human anymore.
Hatred so strong that it's suffocating, the same one her heart was wallowing in for months; this hatred turns her against her family incited by their betrayal.
If she wasn't allowed to live, neither was anyone of them!
But this hatred turns useless in face of the helplessness of her ghost-like existence. If she can't hurt them, if she can't kill them—what's the purpose of her staying here? Is it because her sins are too much for the hell to bear, and so she's destined to wither her days away watching her family living happily after they've murdered her for this pleasant and plentiful lifestyle..?
Oh, how painful it was, looking after them, who seemed to forget about her existence a long time ago. How her sister was preparing excitedly to be married off. How her father was praying in front of the altar for daughter he killed with his own hands.
The anger engulfing her by such sights was hard to describe with words. But she could only wail pitifully, trying to tear out the chain in her chest that was binding her to this wretched place; the place that was so dear to her for so long, but now became her personal punishment room.
But she only knows what the true despair is on the day when her torturer visits them.
He goes around the estate like he owns it, and the mere sight of his jaunty face makes Hikaruko spill blood tears. Oh, how she would wish to kill him! Oh, how would she wish to torment him!
But she's just a powerless ghost without a body; a ghost that's choking on her bitter hatred, looking at her father, his face distorted in silent loathing, sending unwanted guest out. And how this guest, unperturbed even when servant's throwing salt at the path he took, casually eyeing little Kaoruko, who sneaked out from her courtyard to steal a look at unusual guest.
Seeing him in strange costume with a fancy white hat, she gets scared and hides away.
And white-eyed dog, sensing her fear, licks his lips in excitement.
This face of his, scorched so deep into her memory, Hikaruko can see it with her eyes closed.
This face is what finally drives her mad.
She tries to kill him, but no matter how hard she pulls on her chains, she can't get past the estate's doorstep. The shackles tying her to the house she was raised and killed in are too strong, and too tight, and too short. She rushes after him again and again, howling and screaming, her heart burning in waves of hate and resentment. She rushes after him, not noticing the freshly opened hole in her chest becomes bigger and bigger—until the chain falls to the ground with a sharp clang, until the whole world is clouded with dazzling white.
A newborn hollow climbs onto the rooftop, knocking down the tiles; the shrill sound of its wailing makes sensitive people to hold their heads in fit of a sudden migraine.
There's enough food in the estate, but hollow's gaze is tied to a sole spot—a white stain in the sea of dark hair and headscarves. The sight of it makes hollow squint its eyes and lick its lips with a long fork-shaped tongue.
When it looks at this white stain, the hole inside its chest hurts much less than before.
In Hamasaki city, you know, everyone's talking about an ogre.
That thing bit off the head of white-suited gaijin and hanged his intestines on the nearby trees in broad daylight. Would a person do such a thing? And even more so—without anyone noticing.
And that incident with Mizusakusa-dono family.
Just as they were recovering from the loss of their first daughter, another one of theirs died. Right before her wedding—which was, clearly, nothing but a bad sign.
So when the future groom of their third daughter called off his engagement, no one was even a bit surprised by that. How happy he must've been later, knowing that he jumped off the ship just in time, because his fiance soon also died.
Everyone started whispering with each other, uncertain whether it was a curse or a plague, but then a serving girl was caught flailing her tongue about how her little mistresses died not from illness, but of fear! Eyes huge and faces terrible—as if they saw the very ogre before their death.
It made everyone remember about that sister who died first. Maybe hers was also not illness…but murder! Maybe it was her sisters, maybe that's why she became an evil spirit and killed them.
Or maybe…not only her sisters were involved here. Because Mizusakusa-dono himself didn't stay in this world for too long after his youngest daughter's funeral. They said he died on the grave of his oldest daughter, kneeling in prayer! But even that didn't help him. The evil spirit did not calm down until it murdered everyone in an estate, both old and small, the servants and the relatives alike—not a single soul remained.
And then, and only then the evil spirit stopped its killing, and never returned to the bloodied estate again.
The time she spent as a hollow left a smudged brush stroke on Hikaruko's memory. Only the day the white-eyed dog appeared at their doorstep was still vivid in her mind, and everything after became a blur.
She was incredibly lucky upon her arrival in Soul Society: the newcomers from that day were assigned not just somewhere, but in the first district of West Rukongai, Junrinan, not too far from Seireitei itself. With shinigami by their side people here lived quiet and peaceful lives. Even those, with hands itching for others' goods, were walking on their tiptoes around here; because the guard of the western gates wasn't above whisking a ruffian away when he saw one. And with hands like that, the weaker once were up for an early reincarnation.
Oh, how lucky she was…
Maybe if she died before white-eyed dog laid his paws on her, she would have thought differently. A dirty poverty-stricken town, where people walked around in rags and tatters, not knowing what the day it was… She would've been terrified of it back then, but now…
There was no white-eyed dog here—god knows, if he was still alive, or died but went to hell.
There was no family that stabbed her in the back for their own benefit…
Wasn't it even better than her hometown just because of that..?
Other people gathered together in made-up families or looked for their dead relatives; Hikaruko wanted neither. If even her own family betrayed her—how could strangers not tied by blood turn out any better? So, she spent her first days alone, not feeling lonely at all… She would've been perfectly happy to squander the rest of her afterlife in that quiet and estranged manner, but something happened.
Even though she was repeatedly told that she wasn't supposed to feel it, it came to her.
Hunger.
And it was even worse than in the past, when she was still alive.
"Ah, Usuna-dono! You're here again! Welcome back, welcome back. Should I get a teapot ready?"
"Don't bother, Takugoro-san. I won't stay for too long, and water's not easy to get by now."
"That you're right on. But don't stand like a stranger. Sit, sit. Allow me to offer you the warmth of my fireplace at least."
"Is there any news?"
"No, sadly, no, not at all. If I've heard something, I wouldn't sit quietly waiting for you to show up, Usuna-dono, you know that."
"I know, but…" A woman signed, ruffling up her whitened hair. "Until you say so, there's always a hope that…"
It's been around seventy years since she left the world of the living, so if any of her children were still alive back then, they should've joined her a long time ago…they should've already been here. But till this day she was searching for them to no avail, unable to give up on the thought of seeing them again, at least once…
She shook her head quietly.
"Well, how are you faring here yourself? Weren't you assigned new souls not a long time ago?"
"All is well, all is well," a man nodded, stroking his unkempt beard. "Luckily, they're all good people. Quiet. Not up for the trouble…"
He suddenly stopped, seeming to remember something, and grimaced.
"Though, there is that one gal…Who knows where she was raised before, but…" A man harrumphed, his displease obvious. "We here all get along with shinigami-donos. Not stirring up anything, not causing problems or anything, but she..!"
"What is she..?" A woman asked for the sake of keeping the conversation.
"She's absolutely shameless! I wonder, what family gave birth to such a daughter! Her ancestors must be wailing in their graves, unable to bear such a stain on their lineage!"
She could already guess where it was going.
Old man Takugoro wasn't a bad person, that's why he was somewhat of a village head here, but he was upright and rigid, bent on upholding the righteousness as he saw it.
But Usuna Ume lived before him and died before him, and saw things that a man from a prominent family of a well-fed town could never see in his lifetime.
"She's clinging onto every shinigami-dono she sees until she gets her way with them," old man Takugoro said, disgruntled. "Recently they've been coming to her themselves. Is she planning on opening a brothel here in our peaceful neighborhood? And, even more than that, when I actually came to her and asked her to stop—calmly!—she laughed in my face and said that she'll stop if I promise to feed her every day. Right in my face! What does she need the food for anyway, no one feels the hunger here…"
He continued to grumble, but Ume stopped listening after that. A woman who's feeling hunger while being a soul..? Couldn't she be…
"If you say so, I will go and check her," Ume said, standing up.
"Right, right, Usuna-dono!" Old man Takugoro nodded enthusiastically. "We can't allow troublemakers here! Please, say that to her, maybe you she will actually listen."
The future brothel old man Takugoro was speaking of didn't look like the ones Ume saw in her lifetime—just another run-down house slightly off the road.
When she knocked no one had answered, so she let herself in. The house was almost empty in a way most of the houses in Rukongai were—the people here didn't need much things, so they were never given much in the beginning. Ume, coming from Rukongai herself, wasn't fond of this sentiment, but, nevertheless, was powerless to change it.
Suddenly she heard someone screaming from inside the house, and years in the Fourth Division made her immediately realize—that was a scream of pain.
In the bed chambers, rolling on a straw mat, lied a young girl, crying as she hugged her stomach. But even so, the moment she felt someone else was in the room, the girl abruptly grabbed a knife hidden under a pillowcase and pointed it at Ume, panting heavily.
"Ah," the girl breathed, seeing Ume's shihakusho, and allowed a hand with a knife to fall down. "Shinigami-dono. You should've warned me…I apologize for letting you see such unseemly conduct…but I'm in no mood for visitors today, so I would appreciate it if you could…"
Ume sighed, looking at this scared young girl. And she was the troublemaker old man Takugoro was speaking of..? The one that was clinging onto men and laughing in the face of the elders? Exactly how biased he was..?
"Don't be scared, I'm not here for…visiting." Ume scrunched her face slightly, not liking this word. "Ever heard of the Fourth Division? You're in pain, right? Let me check you."
"I thought, you only heal other shinigami-donos…" The girl frowned, suspicious of her.
"Usually, yes." It was hard to argue with her, and Ume herself was never a gifted liar. She thought about it for a little while, and said, "But given your circumstances, shouldn't I be checking you, just in case? Sure, the souls don't have to fear the scourge of the red lights district, but still, there are other problems that we face in the afterlife."
Hearing about the red lights district, the girl's face stiffened, and her eyes reddened like she was humiliated by hearing the truth. Ume maybe wasn't so cunning herself, but she saw through people well enough to know their feelings at a glance.
"I…understand," the girl breathed, turning her head away. She tightened her hand on the rim of a yukata that she was wearing, her fingers white from pressure.
If Ume hadn't seen with her own two eyes the lengths people go because of the unbearable hunger, she would've been surprised to see such embarrassment from a girl who sells herself for food.
But she saw it. Lived through it. And done it herself.
Looking at this young girl, she thought about her own life. Although she never met a person who would share with her what they owned just for the sake of it, it didn't mean she should be the same way.
Ume sighed quietly.
"Here. You're hungry, right?" She pulled a pill from her stock bag.
"What is this?" The girl asked, startled with a sudden change of pace.
"It's a hunger-free pill. It contains…" Hearing about hunger, the girl immediately grabbed the pill and stuffed it in her mouth, chewing hastily like she was afraid Ume would take it back from her. "…a week's worth of nutrients," Ume finished unperturbed. "Do you feel any better now?"
The girl nodded silently, and after a short pause prostrated herself in front of Ume.
"I apologize for acting rashly, esteemed shinigami-dono. You have my undying gratitude for reaching out your helping hand for someone as unworthy as myself. If there's anything this Hikaruko can do to pay you up for your benevolence, just say a word."
She wasn't just any girl, that little beauty with manners befitting those of the noble birth. But death deprived her of what she had in the world of the living, and made her fend for herself.
Ume sighed again. She wasn't so heartless, as if to not feel an ounce of pity for the girl, but she also wasn't so magnanimous, as if to bear the weight of someone else's burdens for herself. She could help her a little, though.
"Had any of your visitors ever talked with you about why you might feel the hunger?" She asked, pulling the girl up.
The girl shook her head, making Ume grimace from displeasure. Sure enough, men who would use their resources to buy a girl's body would never resort themselves to show her the way out of her predicament.
"Then I'll tell you here and now—only those who have the makings of becoming a shinigami can feel hunger while being in the form of a soul. Do you understand what I am talking about?“
The girl blinked, surprised.
"You…you want to say I can become one of your kind, esteemed shinigami-dono..?"
"I won't say it's easy to become one of us, but yes, you can," Ume nodded.
Girl's face froze again, but in the next second this facade crumbled, leaving her crying like a beaten up child. Though Ume, who lived for almost a hundred years—both as a human and as a soul—couldn't see this little girl as a grown-up from the beginning. That's why she consoled her like one would do with a child, letting the girl cry out all her fears and worries that were plaguing her mind.
"I…apologize…" The girl said hoarsely after the crying was done. "For letting you see such an unsightly behavior, this Hikaruko is truly ashamed, esteemed shinigami-dono."
"I've seen worse," Ume simply answered. "Don't mind it. Now, will you let me check you or not? To become a shinigami you need to have a lot of spiritual power. Not just anyone who feels hunger would do."
"Please, do with me what you see fit," Hikaruko said resolutely, wiping off the remaining tears from her reddened face.
But when Ume really tried to measure up the girl's power…she felt nothing. Hikaruko was an ordinary soul who wasn't supposed to feel hunger from the beginning.
It was strange.
If she was hungry even in a soul form, should her amounts of spiritual power be at least average? And from the struggle Ume has seen before, she wasn't just peckish.
Soon, though, she found the answer.
It wasn't Hikaruko, but the child she was bearing. Maybe from one of the shinigami who visited her first..?
Pregnancy and childbirth were difficult for women even in Soul Society, so she probably should've offered Hikaruko to abort a fetus before it was too late, but…A child with a spiritual presence so strong it was making its mother to have such intense hunger pains..? Although it was hard to measure up the child's level while it was in the womb, there were enough indirect signs to guess that it won't end as average.
It would be a loss to the Soul Society to kill it now.
Ume silently contemplated what she should do before coming to a decision even she didn't expect from herself.
"It's not your hunger," she said finally, making Hikaruko, who just perked up a little to lower her darkened face. "It's from the child you are bearing. I'm sorry."
Hikaruko put her palm on her abdomen and fell silent for a while, before she suddenly jerked and yanked her hand away like it was scalded.
"Then I don't..!" she started angrily, but Ume interrupted her.
"I'll buy it. This child, I'll buy it from you when the time comes."
The time moved neither too fast nor too slow with Hikaruko living in Usuna-dono's house until the estimated delivery time.
It wasn't unheard-of for shinigami from Rukongai to find their family years later and accept them in. And Usuna-dono, being a seated officer, could allow herself to feed one more mouth—that is, if the mouth belonged to her great-granddaughter. After all, Hikaruko died too young and too recently to pose herself as Usuna-dono's child.
That was her price—to live inside the Seireitei's walls without worrying about food or clothes. It was a high one, but Usuna-dono accepted it, although she stated that she won't allow freeloaders on her grounds.
The life they lived wasn't any kind of spectacular, but both of them found their own little pleasures in it. Even if Hikaruko's face grew dark sometimes as she touched the growing belly of hers.
She knew whose child it was.
But she never told Usuna-dono not about it, nor about her own plans for it.
Because from the moment she knew, that child was destined to die by her hand.
As the child grew, the hunger pains became worse, and Hikaruko felt herself weaken day by day. It was eating her from the inside, that spawn of the white-eyed dog.
'Like father, like child,' she thought for herself, waiting for the day she could squeeze the life out of it by her own hands.
She could abort it a long time ago, but that wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
That wouldn't erase the humiliation she had to go through both in life and in death; first tortured and abused to the point she could barely remain human, then forced to beg for scraps by selling her body because that was the only thing that she had left.
It was all because of the dog and his spawn. If it wasn't for it, at least after death she would have been able to live freely without demeaning herself in front of anyone. It was all their fault!
And if she couldn't kill the father, she sure could do that to his child. She would destroy it the way its father destroyed her. That would be her revenge that she was deprived of in life.
That would finally let her soul to rest in peace.
It was time for the delivery when things took a turn for the worse.
Ume never saw something like that, but it looked like the child was sucking out Hikaruko's life from the inside. Even if it had power, even if it could be on par with the captains in the future, it should never become like this!
So, she decided.
Before it would be too late to save both of them, she would take the child out by herself. She knew how to do it, she knew how to heal the wound afterwards. The souls were sturdier than human bodies, and it was the only way to allow at least one of the mother and child to survive this predicament.
Hikaruko agreed to.
She may have thought she was hiding her inner thoughts well, but Ume saw the dark sheen in Hikaruko's eyes. Ume knew the girl hated that baby, and although the exact reason was unknown to her, Ume could guess it. She saw women like that while she was still human. Their dark and worried faces, their hatred which flared every time they saw children they never wanted. Ume saw all of it and more, even though gods were merciful enough to not let her live through the same pain.
That's why she was getting ready to move into the barracks with a child on her back, leaving the house to Hikaruko.
At least that was the plan.
Before she pulled the child out of Hikaruko's open abdomen.
It was a very small child, one that was barely filling both of her palms. Small and weak, shivering like a wet little kitten.
But the half of the child's face was hidden under the mask, and its reiatsu reeked of the Hollow, especially from that big black birthmark on its chest in place where the soul chain should have been.
It was the first time Ume saw such a child.
It was Hikaruko's first time also.
The girl looked at this creature that came from her, and even though her belly was cut open, she laughed; she laughed so much she started to bleed, despite that Ume treated cut's edges immediately so the girl wouldn't die of blood loss.
"It's just as ugly as its father!" Hikaruko croaked through laughter and tears. "It's just as ugly as that dog's soul!"
"Don't talk," Ume raised her voice on the girl. "You're bleeding."
"Then let me bleed!" Hikaruko screamed, raising her shaking hands. "I was waiting for that day for a long time, the day I will finally break the neck of this dog's spawn! Give it to me, shinigami. It will pay in blood for its father's sin."
"Calm down," Ume brushed her hands off and swiftly swaddled the baby. Whatever it was, for now it was alive, and Ume didn't want it to change, not after all the trouble they both have gone through for this kid. "It's the father's fault, not the child's."
"No! If it didn't exist, I would've been happy here! Do you think I would still resort to that thing if I didn't feel hunger!? Do you think I did it because I liked it!? I hated every second of it!! I just…didn't want to die," Hikaruko sobbed, covering her wet face with her bloodied hands. "I was just scared of dying…"
"I know, Hikaruko-san. I know." Ume shook the bottle and lifted the pill to the girl's face. "Swallow it, it will numb the pain. I still need to stitch you back up."
But the girl stubbornly hid her mouth behind her palms.
"Let me kill it," she asked with her eyes shining feverishly. "Let me kill it, and after that do with me what you see fit, I won't argue. If you want a child so much, I'll birth you another one, just let me kill this dog's spawn! I waited months for this!“
"That won't do," Ume shook her head. "Didn't I already pay you for this one? It's mine now."
Ume tried to talk calmly and reasonably, while tugging Hikaruko's hands away.
"Then kill me," Hikaruko said glumly, "because only one of us can stay alive after this night! I refuse to give this thing a chance to grow up like its father! Haven't you seen it? It's horrible! It's ugly and disgusting. Even if you want a baby, why that one? You can have a normal one! Give this thing to me, Usuna-dono, I beg you of it."
"That I can't do," Ume answered after a pause, forcefully pulling Hikaruko's hands away to feed her the pill. "Don't worry, we won't bother you. I'll take it with me to the barracks, and you will stay here, living the solitary life that you wanted. I will provide you with all the necessities, like I promised."
Hikaruko's hands loosened up and fell on the futon listlessly.
"But I don't want to live," she said weakly through tears. "I just want this thing to die before me, that's all I want."
"Don't think rushly," Ume hushed her, frowning, and took the sewing tools in her hands. "You're weak now, and tired of pain. Tomorrow you will change your mind."
"I won't," Hikaruko struggled to tear away, but could only wriggle slightly—the anesthetic took away both the pain from her body, and her ability to control it. "I was thinking about it for months. I will kill this thing, and die myself, and finally be free of it."
She swallowed her tears and asked again.
"Usuna-dono, I beg of you. Let me kill it. Even if it will be the last thing I will do in this life, I want to end this dog's bloodline with my own two hands. I beg you, Usuna-dono…"
Ume's face contorted, and her hands shook. Sensing her wavering, Hikaruko increased the pressure.
"Look at it again. Look at how ugly and weak it is. It's so small and feeble—do you think it will be able to live a long life? Look at its face! Do you think others will be kind to a child like that?"
It wasn't the problem of just the looks. The mask and the incomplete hole of the Hollow were much bigger problems.
If it continues like this, the child will become a monster which Ume would be forced to kill either way.
If it continues…
And in this moment, as if sensing that people around spoke of it, the child— the girl —cried pitifully for the first time in her life.
Ume's heart tightened and wavered again.
She turned away from the weeping child.
"I can't do it," she shook her head, almost in tears. "I can't let you kill it."
"Then kill me," Hikaruko breathed, her gaze firm and fierce.
But that Ume also couldn't do, so she took the needle again, forming a thin thread of reiki, but Hikaruko, gathering her last bits of strength, stopped Ume's hands.
"Don't do it," she asked, quiet this time. "I've told you, it's either me or that thing. And you've made your choice."
"Just because I want her to live doesn't mean I want you to die," Ume frowned, brushed Hikaruko's hands away, and began with the stitching, determined not to listen to the girl's complaints any more.
Hikaruko, feeling the change in her, laughed feebly.
"Stop it, Usuna-dono," she asked quietly, her eyes on the ceiling. She spent her last strength and now couldn't move anymore. "Enough. When I was talking about dying after I kill this spawn, I was serious. I've been thinking about it since you've told me about what happens when a soul dies here. And I want it. I don't wish to struggle anymore. I don't wish to move on, and live day after day, flying away from that tragedy. I'm tired, Usuna-dono. I'm so tired…"
"Don't say that," Ume asked briefly, concentrating on the wound before her. "You will think the other way tomorrow."
"I lived through many tomorrows, and each day I thought the same," Hikaruko said resolutely. "I was afraid of death because I didn't know what happens afterwards. But now that I know, I wish for it to happen with me. I want to live a new life, Usuna-dono. A life where my family won't betray me. A life where I will be free to choose the person I love. A life where I don't have to grovel in front of the others just to see another day."
Ume's hands faulted, and she stopped, unable to fight the sincerity in Hikaruko's voice. It was for the first time, when the girl spoke with her like this.
"But you don't know what life you'll live if you die now," Ume said hoarsely. "Maybe it'll be even worse than the one you've already lived."
Hikaruko smiled when she heard that, and laughed bitterly.
"Whatever life I'll live, as long as it's not that one, I will be satisfied with it."
They both fell silent as Ume wordlessly watched a thread of reiki dissipating between her fingertips.
"Usuna-dono, can you hold my hand?" Hikaruko asked weakly. "I long for death, but I'm afraid to face it by myself. Pathetic, aren't I..?"
"You're not," she held the girl's hand firmly. "Hikaruko-san, I…I'm sorry."
"I would've died either way. With or without that thing."
"But…"
"May I ask for a favor from you one last time? Please, don't let it become like its father. I don't want anyone else to go through what I had to."
"I promise."
"Usuna-dono…"
"Yes, Hikaruko-san..?"
"Your hands are very cold. Please warm them up for me the next time."
"Oi-oi, Usuna-san, where did you get something like this?" Kisuke shivered, looking at the little baby with an incomplete hole in its chest. "You know it's dangerous to keep it?"
A woman sighed, ruefully looking at the sleeping child that had no idea of its own miserable fate.
"I've killed enough kids, Urahara-kun." She said quietly. "I killed my children by myself, because a quick death was far more merciful for them than prolonged torture by starvation. I killed them and buried them, because otherwise someone else would kill them and eat them. I've had more than enough of that. So, if this baby has a chance, I want it to take it. I want her to live a life my own babies were deprived of by me. And if she can't do it, if she becomes Hollow, then I will kill her with my own two hands. I have enough experience to do that, don't you worry."
"You really thought it through, didn't you," Kisuke whistled, trying to shake off the quickly darkened atmosphere. "Well, if you insist on it, who am I to deny you. But I won't promise anything. It's the first time I see something like this."
A woman flicked his forehead lightly.
"Now's not the time to be humble. I know your hands are itching to test it. But don't hurt her."
"Hai-hai, I wasn't even thinking about that," he raised his hands readily. "But, really, Usuna-san, where did you get it from..?"
"Be as it may, now that place is no more."
Her voice was quiet and forlorn, like she was mourning something.
Someone.
Kisuke didn't ask her again, instead he leaned over to the child and poked her birthmark with his finger. The girl shuddered, and opened her big pinkish eyes as if she was studying him. He was almost impressed for a second, but then the child cried and ruined the moment.
Usuna-san sighed and took the girl in her hands.
"It's like I didn't feed you at all, little one. Where's everything going with you, huh?"
"Oho!" Kisuke made a funny face and hid his mouth behind his head. "I didn't think it would be possible, but…"
"She's not mine in a sense that you're thinking of," Usuna-san abruptly cut him off, making Kisuke scrunch his face a little.
"You understand that higher-ups won't like it if they are to know?" He asked the woman seriously, without a previous childish grin on his face. "She will be disposed of like a Hollow. And if not—wither her days away either as a lab rat or it the…well, there are other places for that, that's all I'll tell you."
"I understand."
"And you will also be punished for hiding a thing like that, Usuna-san."
She patted the baby's back till it belched, and then hugged it tenderly.
"I understand," she repeated, her voice way softer than Kisuke was used to hear. "That's why I've called you. If someone can think of the way to let her live like a normal child, it's you."
Kisuke sighed dejectedly.
"Your hopes for me are too high, Usuna-san. Please, lower them down a little."
"That I can't do."
She put the baby back in the cradle and softly rocked it.
"I'm thinking about a name for her," Usuna-san confessed. "You'll probably find it superstitious, but I think a good name will make this child's road easier. Something that'll keep her safe."
When Kisuke visited them again, he was robbed of all his candies on a sword point. Only after that Moe, chewing her spoils with a satisfied expression, allowed him to undress her, take off her seals, and check the birthmark's condition. Luckily, her hole's forming didn't progress and was still in its initial stages; it even seemed to him that the birthmark's color was lighter than before.
"Where's your mask?" He asked the girl, searching through his pockets for something.
"It ate it," Moe answered, showing him the sword she was carrying around. As far as Kisuke knew, it was the last memento of Usuna-san's late husband, who, sadly, wasn't able to graduate Shino Academy in one piece.
His hands paused.
"It…what..?" He asked, not sure that he heard the child right.
"It. Ate. It," Moe repeated impatiently, almost showing the sword in his mouth so he could check it closer. "Maybe it's also hungry..? I'm always hungry…Kisuke-ojisan, do you have more candies..?"
"No, sorry, I don't," he showed his empty hands to the girl, making her scrunch her face funny.
"Then I'll go to the kitchen," Moe sighed ruefully, caressing the sword like one would do with a kitten. "You always smell so nice, my belly's pecking…"
"It's 'peckish' ," Usuna-san corrected her.
"Did you know about it?" He asked Usuna-san when Moe hopped away from the room.
The woman nodded.
"She just said that to me one morning. I've searched for it, but it didn't seem like she hid it…and also…you've noticed..?"
The broken asauchi of her late husband that laid silent for years was now pulsing quietly again. It wasn't a coherent voice of zanpakuto, but it was something. It was way more than one broken sword of a dead owner should be capable of.
Kisuke sighed, caressing the protective shell of the Hogyoku in his pocket.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea in the first place. It was incomplete anyway. Maybe he shouldn't have brought it at all.
Maybe he shouldn't have made it at all—but now it was too late for that.
"Will you bring more candies next time, Kisuke-ojisan?" Moe asked, peeking at him from between the slightly opened doors.
"Alright, alright," he sighed, raising his hands, and the girl leaped at him happily, hopping around in circles.
A hundred blessings , huh.
He could only hope that Usuna-san superstitions would work on that one.