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They say that your wedding day is a milestone. A celebration of truth, love, and happiness. But Jimin thinks that whoever said that should go to hell.
Because in the midst of his wedding reception, Jimin feels like his heart is trying to break out from his chest.
The aromatic smell of food wafts through the air as tinkling laughter resonates throughout the function room. Jimin thinks he has an eye for designing because the pastel colors go really well with the white roses his mother had ordered for the ceremony. Everyone is clad in white while the two grooms wear a light shade of blue. It’s beautiful and everything Jimin has always wanted.
Jimin smiles at his husband, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Junghwan is busy making a fool out of himself by singing some love song Jimin doesn’t even know, voice cracking and making everyone in the venue clutch their chests from laughing too hard. The man doesn’t have an affinity for music at all, but he tries. This is Junghwan trying, and he is failing miserably.
When his husband makes his way to the table, Jimin can barely hide the shock in his face when he’s suddenly pulled up from his seat and twirled around, making the audience coo. In the distance, he hears his best friends Hoseok and Taehyung cheer for them.
Jimin musters a giggle and makes sure he looks happy and appreciative of Junghwan’s antics.
But the thing is, Jimin’s heart isn’t beating crazily because of his husband.
His eyes briefly scan the crowd and zeroes in on Yoongi’ reading glasses dangling dangerously low on the bridge of his nose as he reads what Jimin believes to be music sheets. He isn’t watching.
Of course he isn’t.
Just right then, Yoongi looks up and his eyes lock with Jimin’s. He immediately looks away, and Jimin feels his heart twist and turn for all the wrong reasons.
He’s nervous because his ex is here.
Jimin swallows the lump in his throat when his brand new husband twirls him around a second time and decides to focus on the way his husband's voice cracks instead, laughing as he watches him belt his entire lungs out.
But then he remembers Yoongi again so Jimin forces himself to kiss his husband’s cheek to halt the simmering tears threatening to come to surface.
He can’t cry. He shouldn’t, because if he were, it wouldn’t be out of joy.
Junghwan’s performance for Jimin comes to an end and friends and family cheer, shouting praises to the newly-wed couple.
“Couple of the century!” Junghwan’s colleague yells.
Jimin is reminded of the time he and Yoongi were regarded as the couple of the century by their own peers. Oh, how time has gone by.
"That was an endearing performance by the amazing Kang Junghwan!" Seokjin cheers into the mic with an amused smile. Jin really knows how to brighten up a crowd and Jimin is glad they hired him as a host for the wedding.
Junghwan takes Jimin by the hand and they sit down. There’s a certain guilt lingering inside Jimin when he looks at his husband; he’s excited, body thrumming in anticipation. His light brown hair is gelled back even if he hates styling his hair, and he’s been wearing the brightest smile all day the minute he saw Jimin walk on the altar. Jimin wishes he could mirror his husband’s enthusiasm.
“Thank you for the performance, baby. It was really sweet!” Jimin smiles and tightens his hold on Junghwan’s hand even if it kills him inside.
“Only for you.” Junghwan kisses Jimin’s knuckles. The crippling guilt sinks in even more, and his stomach does a somersault.
Junghwan’s little cousins go up the makeshift stage for a dance number before Jimin’s performance. He's about to relax and enjoy when he realizes he has to run through the details of the song with his pianist before going up on stage.
“I’ll prepare for my performance, now.” Jimin lets go of his husband’s hand. “I hope you enjoy it!”
“You know I will.”
Jimin excuses himself from the table and walks to Yoongi. He’s sitting with their old friend group, sandwiched between Jungkook and Namjoon. Before Jimin reaches them, he sees the man in question give him a look that says, ‘follow me’ and walks to the small waiting room behind the stage.
With a fluttering heart, Jimin follows Yoongi.
Jimin’s breathing starts to hike faster and faster the more he thinks about being in an enclosed space with the person he had once loved. With a deep breath, he opens the door and braces himself for whatever awaits him.
The first thing Jimin sees is Yoongi sitting down on one of the chairs, hands holding a bunch of music sheets. He’s wearing a white dress shirt and his black hair is parted in the middle. Jimin shyly stands in front of Yoongi and clears his throat. God, it’s awkward.
He looks up from what he’s reading and greets Jimin with a familiar smile.
It’s the gummy smile Yoongi flashes in between kisses. It’s the one he shows whenever Jimin cracks a silly joke, or tickles him by the neck. It’s always been a smile reserved only for Jimin to see.
Jimin gulps and sits down on the chair in front of Yoongi, back straightening in an attempt to seem put-together. “Hi.”
“Hello, Jimin.” Yoongi greets him, putting the sheets of paper on his lap. “That was a beautiful wedding.”
“Was it?” Jimin asks, anxiety spiking in his veins.
Yoongi nods, and his smile falters for a fraction of a second. “Yes. It’s your dream wedding after all, right?”
Jimin feels like he’s been hit by a freight train. There’s a knife stuck to his heart and Jimin thinks he’ll bleed if he pulls it out. It pains him thinking about all of the times he talked about weddings with his ex lover. His dream wedding was under the assumption that he was going to be marrying Yoongi.
In the end, Jimin achieved all of this except the most important thing.
“I’m living the dream.” Jimin smiles sadly, hands bunched into fists that his knuckles almost turn white.
They go over the performance. It’s just one song, and all Yoongi has to do is play the piano as Jimin sings. He has to talk to Yoongi because he made a few changes in the arrangement, and he didn’t want the pianist to get lost in the middle of the performance.
It’s a strange feeling, hiring an ex lover to help you perform for your husband. Jimin doesn’t understand why it just had to be Yoongi of all musicians, but a gut feeling made Jimin call his ex despite not having communicated in years. Yoongi was kind enough to say yes.
“Jimin? It’s time.” Yoongi’s soothing voice brings Jimin out of his own thoughts. He hears a roar of applause from the crowd, a sign that Junghwan’s cousins are done performing.
He stands up and smoothens his blue suit, knees wobbly. They both emerge from the waiting room and walk on the stage. His ex sits down on the chair situated in front of the piano and Jimin’s pulse skyrockets the moment he comes face to face with the guests. More so when he locks eyes with his smiling, unassuming husband.
“I’d like to take this chance to thank everyone for attending Junghwan and I’s wedding,” Jimin says into the mic. Then, he plasters a shaky smile on his face and bows. “I’ll sing Junghwan and I’s favorite song.”
Jimin turns around to give Yoongi a slight nod. Yoongi’s gaze lingers on Jimin’s face before his eyes focus on the keyboard.
The introduction of the song begins to play, and Jimin finds himself smiling. Yoongi has always played so beautifully. He even does a little bit of ad libs that stray from the original; it’s such a Yoongi thing for him to do that Jimin almost forgets he has to sing because he got caught in admiring Yoongi’s talent.
“Can you feel the love tonight?” Jimin belts out the chorus. He can see his husband mouthing the words of the song with a look of pure wonder on his face as he stares at Jimin.
A pinch of guilt pricks at the tender walls of his heart. He shouldn’t be thinking about his ex when Junghwan is completely, wholly, and irreversibly in love with him. It’s not fair.
Right before they reach the bridge, Jimin hears a wrong note played. He still continues to sing with a smile, but he subtly looks behind him. When he does, Jimin wishes he never looked.
There are tears staining Yoongi’s eyes as his fingers glide over the keys. Jimin’s eyes widen and he stumbles over his words, stuttering. In the heat of the moment, Jimin’s throat runs dry and he forgets the lyrics.
Yoongi looks up at him with a concerned look, tears still clinging onto his eyes. Jimin feels frozen, unable to do anything. He begins to panic, the words he’s spent day and night practicing suddenly forgotten because Yoongi is crying.
Why is he crying? Jimin gives the audience a nervous smile as he racks his brain for the words while simultaneously worrying over Yoongi. He thinks and thinks and thinks but the lyrics don’t come.
★
Until.
The melody smoothly transitions from one key to another, and the first note has Jimin’s heart feeling like it’s been pierced by a thousand needles. Yoongi changed the song, and it’s a melody Jimin knows far too well to ever forget.
Jimin looks behind him once again with eyes as wide as saucers, wondering what made Yoongi change and why he chose that song of all the pieces in his repertoire, because it hurt. It hurt so much.
And, for a moment, Yoongi looks scared as he looks into Jimin’s eyes, hands still playing the piano without having to look at the keys. Like muscle-memory. Like it’s second nature for him to play the piece. The intro repeats, albeit louder, and Jimin can sense that Yoongi is frustrated. He always takes it out on the piano.
Then, it all clicks. Yoongi is terrified because maybe Jimin can’t remember the words.
Of course Jimin does.
“City of stars, are you shining just for me?” Jimin sings quietly, hand pressing against his chest. Heart, be still. “Who knows, I felt it from the first embrace I shared with you. That now, our dreams may finally come true.”
Jimin recalls his lazy mornings with Yoongi, his tiny body perched on top of the grand piano as Yoongi played the song. Everytime the sunlight hit Yoongi’s lashes, it made his eyes look like they were made of stars.
Yoongi was Jimin’s star.
“It’s love, yes all we’re looking for is love from someone else,” the first tear escapes Jimin’s eye but his smile never falters. Not in front of his husband, who’s intently watching Jimin with pure adoration in his eyes. Life is unfair.
Jimin remembers how it became their favorite song. He once aspired to become a Broadway actor, so he excitedly bought tickets to watch it with Yoongi. Like magic, they instantly fell in love with the movie. It was exactly like them— a struggling actor and a struggling pianist.
“The only difference is that there’s no goodbye for us, right?” Jimin asked Yoongi one night as they soaked up the warmth of each others’ embrace.
Yoongi hummed, holding Jimin tighter like he was about to slip away any moment. “Of course.”
“Promise?”
“I swear by the stars.”
“A rush, a glance, a touch, a dance,” Jimin’s voice shakes. It’s all too much. “A look in somebody’s eyes, to light up the skies, to open the world and send it reeling. A voice that says I’ll be here, and you’ll be alright.”
What if Jimin didn’t give up that one night? Would Yoongi be sitting in Junghwan’s place instead? Would he be the one reciting wedding vows with Jimin right in front of the altar?
They say that what-ifs exist because there are better options out there. But if that’s the case, then why does Junghwan pale in comparison to Yoongi?
“I don’t care if I know just where I will go, cause all that I need is this crazy feeling. A rat-tat-tat on my heart, think I want it to stay.”
Jimin wishes he stayed.
His cheeks are stained with tears by now, but everyone mistakes them for tears of joy. He lets out a wobbly grin and glances at Yoongi again. He looks right back at Jimin with a knowing smile and his heart feels crushed.
It's painful.
“City of stars, are you shining just for me?” Jimin never breaks eye contact with Yoongi. To hell with it. He can’t lie to Junghwan’s face and pretend that it’s for him. “City of stars, you never shined so brightly.” He prolongs the note and looks away, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.
It’s the night of his wedding but his heart is heavy. This isn't how weddings are supposed to work.
He looks at Junghwan, whose smile rivals the sun with the amount of happiness radiating off of him. The real-estate agent that courted Jimin when he was still in the process of moving on. The person that makes him feel so wanted. His husband.
Then, he glances at Yoongi, his former partner-in-crime, his star, who smiles back at him with an emotion Jimin can only pinpoint as acceptance.
It’s a smile of defeat.
He figures that Yoongi showing up to his wedding is a sole testament to the fact that he’s given up on Jimin, too, the way Jimin did all those years ago.
Yoongi was Jimin’s star. An entire constellation, even. He shone brightly and still does the minute his fingers touch the jade keys of the piano. He still shines whenever he flashes a gummy smile.
Jimin’s blood runs cold as he breaks into a sob. The entire audience cheers, yelling compliments and congratulating him for his emotion-fueled performance. Junghwan rushes to the stage and presses a chaste kiss on Jimin’s lips in front of everyone, and the tears fall down without abandon. He feels sick his stomach. Jimin kisses back, but he feels like he can’t breathe.
He just realized he married the wrong man.
“That was so good, baby. I’m so glad I married you,” Junghwan whispers in his ear before pulling away.
Jimin’s bottom lip quivers as he says, “I’m glad you’re my h-husband, too.” He sniffles, the words tasting bitter against his tongue. He faintly wonders if this is what life is supposed to taste like.
When Jimin looks at the piano, Yoongi is already nowhere to be seen. It’s so like him to shy away from the spotlight.
“What was the name of the song? It’s good, and the pianist played so well. He deserves a raise!” Junghwan exclaims in excitement as they sit down once again.
Jimin nervously laughs, feeling like his chest is being ripped apart. “He’s good, isn’t he?” I watched him grow into the musician he is today.
“He is. I’ll double the amount of his payment when we give it later,” Junghwan winks at Jimin. “It’s what he deserves for helping my baby perform.”
Jimin’s throat hurts. “Okay.” He barely croaks out. Junghwan presses another kiss to Jimin’s cheek but it doesn’t feel right after thinking about what he and Yoongi could have been.
It feels like they won’t ever fit together as well as he and Yoongi did, and he just can’t stop comparing Junghwan to his past lover now that all the memories are washing him away, drowning him. He’s swimming in a sea of guilt and it’s getting harder to swim to the surface when Yoongi’s smile is weighing him down.
Jimin cranes his head and tries to catch sight of Yoongi. He's about to give up when he sees the man bolting through the wooden doors and right away, Jimin feels compelled to follow him. He just has to, or his heart will ache even more.
“Hey, I’ll just go outside for fresh air. Is that okay?” Jimin asks Junghwan, heart rate picking up with every second that passes. He wishes Junghwan would say yes already so he doesn’t have to wait.
“Hmm, okay, can I stay with my colleagues to drink—”
“Sure!” Jimin bolts up from his chair a little too eagerly and flashes his husband a smile before going straight to the door leading to the garden. It’s where the ceremony was held earlier.
Fireflies scatter in mid-air, and Jimin lets out a gasp, in awe. They’re pretty, and he hasn’t seen a single firefly since the day he broke up with Yoongi.
It’s around 9PM, so it’s already dark. It takes quite some time for Jimin to find Yoongi until his eyes fall on the wooden couple swing decorated with flowers all over.
His heart starts to shake violently as he takes in the sight of Yoongi: his cheeks are wet with tears. Under the night sky, Yoongi’s lashes catch a sliver of light coming from the moon. His eyes still look like they're made of stars.
Jimin is scared, but he quietly sits down beside Yoongi. The wooden swing creaks, but neither of them flinch, nor spare each other a glance.
Pin drop silence. No one talks.
Jimin sighs and starts to hum a song. Their song. City of Stars. He stares at the heavens and puts his arm up, trying to scoop the moon out of the sky. The stars seem so far away, but they always seemed easy to grasp when he was younger. Now that he thinks about it, the stars would have burned a hole through his hands had he dared tried to catch one.
To Jimin’s surprise, Yoongi starts humming along. They stay side-by-side, singing as they stargaze. Jimin feels like the stars are mocking him because it feels just like old times, humming to this song with Yoongi, but it feels foreign, too. Everything has changed and they aren't the actor-pianist tandem that they once were. Jimin takes a sharp intake of breath; even breathing is painful.
Everything hurts.
“Why?” Jimin asks, eyes still fixated on the moon.
“Hmm?”
“Why do the sight of stars make me want to dream again?” You keep making me want to dream again.
Yoongi shrugs, shoulder brushing against Jimin’s. “The darker the night sky, the brighter the stars.”
“I’m happy for you, you know?” Jimin says with a feathery laugh, a single tear escaping from his eye. He received news of Yoongi opening his own jazz bar a year and a half ago. “You made it. You caught a star, and you play so beautifully.”
“Thank you,” Yoongi answers with a sheepish laugh. “I’m happy for you, too.”
“Are you, really?” Jimin dares to ask, finally turning to look at Yoongi. “What was the point of playing that song?”
Yoongi stammers, eyes blown wide. “I— You forgot the lyrics, Jimin. I tried helping.”
“And it just had to be that song?”
“It was something I figured you would know,” Yoongi explains with a sigh.
Jimin gulps. “Then why’d you cry?”
“Memories.” Yoongi simply answered with a tone of finality, looking away. “Why’d you cry?”
“Stop lying to me and tell me why you played that.” Jimin demands quietly, throat hurting from all of the unsaid words lodged inside.
Yoongi looks away and stares at the moon. “I wanted to hear you sing it one last time.”
Jimin loses it. His heart drops; why does Yoongi still have this effect on him even after all these years?
His chest heaves as he sobs wetly, and Yoongi tries to placate him but he only swats his hand away. He buries his face in his hands as he screams into the night sky, tears ruining his made-up face.
Jimin wants to curse destiny. Fate. The stars. The moon. He hates them all, and he hates himself the most.
“That was selfish of you. Just when I was already—”
“Me, selfish?” Yoongi asks with a bite in his tone. “And you asking me to play the piano for your wedding isn’t?”
Jimin whips his head up and looks at Yoongi. He didn’t realize the other was hurting that bad, too. "I— I felt like this was the last chance I had before you slipped away from my fingertips entirely."
“It hurt watching you get married when we planned all of this before,” Yoongi’s voice cracks and tears stream down his face. A wistful smile blooms on his face and Jimin hates himself for making Yoongi cry. “We talked about this wedding a lot; a ceremony in the garden, with white roses scattered everywhere because you loved flowers. And then we’d let the guests wear white while we wear baby blue. It hurt receiving that phone call. I figured you were over me already.”
Yoongi was supposed to be wearing blue instead of white.
The cool night air slaps against Jimin’s face, as if a wake up call to stop staring at the stars. He looks down at his lap instead and plays with the silver band adorning his finger. It feels uncomfortable and he's itching to remove it. “I loved you, Yoongi. I really did. And I think I still do.”
“You’re not supposed to be saying that,” Yoongi’s tone is dark but it’s far from threatening. His face looks so hurt, it makes Jimin feel so guilty. “Don’t give me false hope like that. You can’t.”
“I know,” Jimin sighs with his eyes closed. “But it feels good to be honest to myself for once.”
“Then why’d you marry him?”
Jimin laughs humorlessly. “Good question. You’ve always been so wise, Yoonie.” The old nickname slips back like he’s never stopped using it. It rolls off of his tongue like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Like he’s meant to say it his entire life.
Why did he marry Junghwan?
“You don’t have to answer that—”
“After giving up on my dreams, on you, I felt like this is what I deserved. I’ll never know what it’s like to catch a star. To become one. I’m no longer an actor having trouble with bringing food to the table but this is the price I have to pay.”
Giving up on going after what he wanted didn’t just cost Jimin his dreams. He lost Yoongi, too, and now he has to pay his dues. He has to live with regret and the what-ifs that plague his thoughts like a ghost demanding its presence to be felt.
He can never go back to where he belongs. Not on the stage where Jimin feels like he shines his brightest, nor in Yoongi’s arms wherein he feels like they’re both missing puzzle pieces destined to complete each other.
Yoongi pats Jimin’s head. He doesn’t shy away from the touch, eyes fluttering with so much want. Jimin wants to frame this moment and live in it forever.
“I’m sorry, petal.” Yoongi says so tenderly, Jimin almost melts at the old nickname. He started calling Jimin that when he found out he loved flowers. "I wish the circumstances were different."
“He’s nice though,” Jimin adds with a smile. “I love him. I’ve grown to.”
“But it’s just not the same.” Yoongi concludes for Jimin. He nods and sighs sadly.
Junghwan is ordinary. He’s a business person and Jimin doesn’t have a clue what exactly their shared interests are aside from Star Wars and their love for baking, but he’s sweet and adorable. He’s all right, but he’s not Yoongi.
Junghwan isn’t a star.
Jimin doesn’t know how long he’s been gone for, but no one hasn’t come looking for him yet. And in a way, things are in Jimin's favor this time. He’s savoring his final moments with Yoongi because he knows this is their fated goodbye. No more wishing on dead stars.
"Wanna know a secret?" Yoongi looks at him with a sneaky smile that has Jimin falling in love over and over again. It mends his heart just to break it all over again.
"Please, enlighten me."
“You were my dream, and you still are.” Yoongi whispers into the wind like his words are fragile and made of stardust. He ends it with a laugh, trying to downplay the depth of his words. It’s a confession that’s only between the two of them and the night sky. Spoken into existence only for the sake of his heart.
Had the circumstances been different, Jimin would be elated to hear those worlds. But he’s an idiot who pushed away the last good thing he had in his life and this is what he deserves. It's not a happy ending at all and Jimin sighs in despair, clutching his heart. It’s not broken, but It’s shattered and Jimin fears it might be beyond repair.
There’s nothing more devastating than realizing you married the wrong man on the day of your own wedding.
“Do you think we got married in an alternate universe?” Jimin asks with a sniff, hope laced in his tone. If he’s not happy, then he hopes another version of himself is.
Yoongi grins at him, gums in full display. Jimin’s heart flutters. “I’d be twirling you around the dance floor.”
Jimin laughs as more tears fall. “You’re so silly.”
A beat of silence passes, and then Yoongi stands up, smoothing the crinkles on his dress shirt. This is what Jimin has been dreading all night.
“Well, I think it’s time for me to take my leave.” Yoongi announces with a faint smile.
“You won’t stay until dessert?”
“You know I hate dessert. And I don’t think I can take being here any longer.”
Jimin nods, and then suddenly frowns. “Wait! The payment.”
Yoongi waves his hand in dismissal. “That was free.”
“No! Wait, I’ll run inside to get it—”
His ex lover frowns, pouting. It’s an endearing sight and his heart does a backflip. “I’m literally rich now. Don’t worry, petal.”
“I— Okay,” Jimin says in defeat. He always gives in once the nickname card is used.
Yoongi pats Jimin’s head one more time, fingers carding through his hair. “I hope happiness finds you, Jiminie. Never stop reaching for the stars. Maybe one day, in another lifetime, we can reach them together.”
“Promise?” Jimin sniffles, lower lip wobbling.
Yoongi takes one long look at the sky before looking back at Jimin with a smile that’s soaked in beauty. Lips carved by the stars. Moonchild; that’s what Yoongi is. He could never curse the heavens, because it'd be like cursing Yoongi.
“I swear by the stars.”
Jimin smiles at Yoongi gratefully. It’s a promise. Yoongi swears by the stars and so will he.
They share one last lingering look, and Jimin memorizes every dip of Yoongi’s nose and the curve of his cupid’s bow. Yoongi’s skin is pale and he glows, stark against the darkness of the sky. He shines, he always does and Jimin treads on the fine line of despair and insanity. He knows he shouldn't do this, but Jimin longs to cradle his face, pull him in for a kiss—
And then the moment is over before it’s even begun.
Yoongi walks away and never looks back. Jimin watches his star fall out of reach.
It takes quite some time to retouch his makeup. Whenever Jimin is close to finishing, he ends up breaking into choked sobs. By the time he enters the venue, most adults are already drunk on wine, including his husband, happily laughing at some joke a colleague had made. There is so much mirth and joy packed into the venue but Jimin can't find it in him to relate.
He supposes this is what he gets for choosing to plant his feet to the ground instead of reaching for the stars.
It's strange how he feels like an outsider in his own wedding, but a smile blooms on his face when Jimin catches sight of three children running around playing tag. Jimin decides that he should get his feet moving, too, and join the little kids or else he'll get left behind.
Even without Yoongi in it, life goes on.