Chapter Text
The Kissing Journals
Chapter 1: Data Mining for Animal Mating Rituals
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“Tsukki, why do you even keep the gifts when you just say no anyway?” Tadashi watched with mild amusement as his friend struggled to keep ahold of the two chocolate boxes he had been given earlier in the day.
“They put effort into them or whatever,” Tsukishima attempted to shrug while balancing the boxes as they walked. “Here, take one of these. I’m not going eat them anyway.”
Tadashi put his arms out just in time for Tsukishima to dump one of the boxes onto his forearms. He only barely tried to conceal his laughter as he took in the annoyed look on Tsukki’s face.
“Two days. Summer break has been over for two days and this girl already decides she’s in love with me,” he scoffed. “And why more than one box? Does she think that I’ll be impressed by the negligible extra money she put down to give me two boxes instead of the traditional one?”
“Maybe it was supposed to be one box for every day she’s been in love,” Tadashi made no attempt to hide his chuckle this time. “You know, to show her loyal devotion.”
“Ugh, I hope not.” Tsukki looked positively disgusted, and Tadashi let out another laugh.
“I don’t get why you get so mad about it though,” his giddiness subsided slowly. “It must be nice to at least know someone is thinking about you.”
Tsukishima glared at him from the corner of his eye. Tadashi knew the look meant “you think I give a shit if anyone is thinking about me?” But he also knew it was a bit of a lie. True, Tsukki probably didn’t care what some random girl in their class thought about – whether he was included in those thoughts or not – but Tadashi also knew Tsukki generally didn’t want to be thought of poorly either. It was the real reason he never threw out the gifts, why he tried so hard at school, prided himself on his intelligence, and why he spent so much care and effort into seeming like he didn’t care at all.
Tadashi merely shrugged and ignored Tsukki’s death glare. “Well, I’m certainly not complaining if I keep getting these free chocolates out of it.”
“You’d think of these days they’d learn that I don’t actually like chocolates. You know, since they’re so in love with me or whatever.”
Tadashi laughed easily as they came up to the turning point between their houses. “Oh, your place or mine today Tsukki?”
“Mine. Nii-chan finally went back to Sendai last night.”
Meaning that for the first time in months, the house will be quiet just like Tsukki likes, Tadashi thought absently. “So, are you saying that if some girl showed up in class with a perfectly made strawberry shortcake and professed her undying love, you would actually date her?”
“Of course not.” He paused. “I might ask her for the recipe though.”
Tadashi snorted, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “You’re so cold Tsukki. ‘I don’t love you, you don’t love me, and dating in high school is lame. But I would like to use you for your culinary skills.’” Tadashi did his best Tsukishima impression, putting on the most polite and matter-of-fact voice he could, and pressing invisible glasses up the bridge of his nose for added effect.
“Dating in high school is lame,” Tsukishima pressed on, ignoring the impersonation. Tadashi had heard this mantra many times before. “There’s no point. You hold hands in public, maybe fool around a bit in private, and then you end it when you graduate. Why put in so much effort to something that’s just going to end anyways.”
Tadashi sighed. Tsukki’s anti-dating speech sounded a lot like his anti-extra-practicing speech. And while Tadashi was quietly proud to see that Tsukki had been practicing on his own – and even with his brother – since their weeklong training camp in Tokyo over the summer, Tsukki’s rationality was as airtight as ever. Getting in his face and yelling about pride again probably wouldn’t work in this situation. Besides, just because Tadashi disagreed, didn’t mean he didn’t understand Tsukki’s reasoning.
A few more steps and they reached the Tsukishima household. They shrugged off their shoes and said a quick hello to Tsukki’s mom before heading upstairs. Tadashi hadn’t been to Tsukki’s house for most of the summer. Even though things were getting better between him and Akiteru, Tsukki still didn’t willingly offer himself to his brother’s company very often – meaning most summer days had been spent at Tadashi’s house instead.
Tadashi was happy to be back; the house held a quiet sort of nostalgia for him and it already felt like they were back to their regular after-school routine. Tsukki sat at his desk, his back to where Tadashi was sprawled across the bed, both of them with notebooks spread across their respective surfaces. Tadashi had the open box of chocolates next to his and absentmindedly popped one into his mouth. Hm, store-bought. Guess she didn’t love you enough to make them herself. I approve of the rejection this time, Tsukki.
“You think it’s like, sacrilegious to eat confession chocolates that were meant for someone else?” Tadashi mused.
“Well if it is, you’re going to hell for sure. I don’t think I’ve had a single chocolate box that wasn’t eaten by you,” Tsukishima responded, not looking up from his notes.
“Mm, I guess I’ll just have to live with those consequences then,” he hummed as he grabbed another chocolate from the box. “Although, I think if I had the courage to give these to someone else, I’d feel pretty sad at the thought of the wrong person eating them.”
“Good thing guys don’t usually do the confessing then.”
“Mm.” Why don’t guys confess too? The thought snagged at something that Tadashi had been avoiding thinking about for a few weeks now. “I guess you’re right. I don’t even know who I’d confess to anyway if I had the option.”
Tsukki stopped writing to look at Tadashi, his eyebrows pinched together ever so slightly. “You would want to confess to someone?” His voice puffed out with a resigned sigh.
Rolling his eyes, Tadashi shifted to lean on his elbow and better face Tsukishima. “Well yeah, if there was someone. I’m not the mayor cynic town like you are, Tsukki.”
“Ha, ha,” Tsukki returned the eye roll. “I thought you agreed that dating in high school is stupid.”
“I mean, I agree logically,” he waved his hand as he spoke. “But don’t you ever feel like you’re missing out on an opportunity to figure out what you do or don’t like? Like types of people you’d be compatible with or types of people you would want to kiss?”
Tsukki’s brow furrowed further at Tadashi’s wording, but he seemed to decide to ignore it, and instead said, “I know what I like.”
Tadashi scoffed. “Oh, do you? And how did you manage to learn that with all your wealth of experience?”
“Well, I know I don’t like countless random girls who don’t know a thing about me coming up and trying to convince me of their love for me, when in reality they just see my affections as some sort of conquest that they can brag to their friends about if in some parallel universe I ever said yes to such a baseless confession.”
Tadashi blinked. “Wow. That was so specific,” he deadpanned. “And it actually proves my point perfectly. You know you hate that type of confession, but what if it was someone who actually did know you? What if there are things you do like and you just don’t know about them because you won’t try?”
Tsukishima paused. “Like kissing other ‘types of people?’” He used air quotes to emphasize that he was paraphrasing Tadashi’s earlier question, and Tadashi felt something die inside him a bit. He had been hoping Tsukki would continue to just gloss over that particular bit of information, but his glare was saying otherwise.
“U-um, for example, yeah.”
There was another long pause while Tsukishima just stared at him. Tadashi knew that stare, it was the “are you really going to make me ask you a personal question right now” stare.
“Yamaguchi. Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?”
“I’m not trying to tell you anything, I was just talking! We were talking about you actually! It’s not my fault you have to read into every single little thing anyone says or does,” Tadashi deflected, hoping the slight crack in his voice wasn’t noticeable. This wasn’t exactly how he imagined this conversation would happen. In fact, he hadn’t imagined a conversation at all. He had just sort of assumed that eventually Tsukishima would find out on his own somehow, click his tongue in mild interest, and then they’d both move on as usual. He didn’t think they’d discuss it. They usually didn’t discuss much of anything in detail. They didn’t have to.
But Tsukishima just continued to look passively at Tadashi’s face. “So?”
“I, uh, well, definitely not exclusively,” he mumbled. “I’m sure I at least think girls are cute, but sometimes I might think guys are okay too?”
“Mm,” Tsukishima studied his face for a moment longer. “Okay.” And he turned back around to look over his notes.
“That’s it?” Tadashi asked in mild disbelief. Oh. I guess we’re not discussing it. A small stone that felt suspiciously like disappointment formed in his stomach.
Tsukki shrugged, looking back over his shoulder. “Oh, were you not done? There was all that buildup, then you told me you’re probably bi or pan or whichever, so I thought the conversation was over.”
“Tsukki,” Tadashi whined, “that wasn’t even the point of what I was trying to say.” He couldn’t even blame him really. Tadashi often did spend a lot of his time beating around what he was actually trying to say in the hopes of not seeming too obvious. Not that it ever really worked though, Tsukki could read him too well.
“Oh? What was the point then?”
“That I don’t even know how to know what I like if I have no experience! Like what if some guy asks me out and we go on all these dates and he finally kisses me, but it turns out I really don’t like it! That would be so awkward!”
“I don’t think it works that way,” Tsukki responded simply.
“But you don’t know because you’ve never actually kissed anyone! What if it does work that way?”
Tsukki pinched the bridge of his nose and Tadashi knew that he was beginning to get to the end of his wits with this conversation. “Why don’t you just kiss some guys and some girls and make a list comparing how you feel or something,” he drawled.
It was such a Tsukki answer that Tadashi had to laugh. Just organize your feelings into a list. Of course.
Although, he had to admit, it wasn’t a terrible concept. There was only one flaw.
“Except that no one wants to kiss me at all. I’d just be the same as I am now, except I’d have a blank piece of paper staring back at me, guilting me with its expectations.”
Tsukki scoffed lightly. “Well you can try for Furukawa-san if you want. She seemed desperate enough.”
“Who?”
“The girl whose chocolates you’ve been eating,” he pointed to the box sitting next to Tadashi on the bed.
His jaw dropped in mock offense. “First, I steal her chocolates from you, and then I take her love too? I could never.”
“One, I offered you the chocolates. Two, you can’t just take people’s love. And three, I don’t like her anyway so it doesn’t matter.”
Tadashi narrowed his eyes. “You know I was joking. Why do you have to take it so seriously like that.”
Tsukki shrugged. “Fun.”
Sighing, Tadashi ignored him. “But how do you know you don’t like her?”
“Oh my god, Yamaguchi. You’re giving me a headache,” he pinched the bridge of his nose again. “I thought this was supposed to be about you not knowing what you like, why do you keep dragging me into it?”
“Well… doesn’t it bother you? Not knowing for sure?” He paused, knowing he needed to tread carefully, “because current evidence would suggest that you aren’t really interested in girls at all. Maybe you should try kissing a few people too – you don’t have to date to kiss.” He spoke quietly and quickly, hoping he wasn’t overstepping the invisible conversational barriers that seemed to sometimes pop up around them.
But Tsukki just seemed to think for a moment before speaking again carefully. “…So, your argument is that – while you agree that dating in high school in ultimately pointless – you think that kissing people is beneficial to figuring out our sexualities?”
So clinical, Tadashi sighed. “Well, if I found someone I really liked, I don’t think I’d be opposed to dating them. But, otherwise yes.”
He was quiet for a moment before sighing begrudgingly. “I guess that makes some sense.”
“So, you’ll do it?” Tadashi sat up straight, “you’ll tell her you’ve changed your mind?”
Tsukishima looked at him like he had just spoken in gibberish. “Tell who what now?”
“Furukawa-san. You’ll tell her you changed your mind and that you’ll go on a date with her.”
“I agreed that your theory made some sense. Some,” he raised an eyebrow pointedly. “I did not agree to put that theory into practice.”
“But Tsukki, you already know she likes you! And since I don’t have any options, you can be the first data point. Look,” Tadashi twisted to grab one of his open notebooks, and dangled it out in front of him as if he was offering a piece of meat to a ravenous dog. “We can make lists just like you suggested, with different categories and sections, and then we can compare both of our experiences to best figure out what works for each of us. It’ll be like real research! An experiment if you will.” He wiggled the notebook one more time for good measure.
“You make it sound like we’ll be data mining animal mating rituals or something.”
Tadashi shrugged, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I figured that would make it more appealing to you.”
Tsukishima’s eyes scrunched shut and he mumbled something that sounded like “how is this really my life.”
“It’ll be fine! Just one date! Make sure you’re nice enough so that she wants to kiss you – no snarky comments! And just try and pay attention to how the whole thing feels, should be pretty easy for you since you pay attention to everything.”
“’Be nice enough so she’ll kiss me?’” Tsukishima looked at him incredulously. “First you manipulate me by making this sound semi-educational, and then you tell me to coerce kisses out of some girl? I would have pegged you for more of a romantic, Yamaguchi Tadashi.”
Tadashi’s eyes widened, and for the first time since he brought up the topic, he felt his cheeks flush. “Th-that’s not what I meant! Obviously, I don’t want you to force her! I just meant that you need to actually try! You know, put in effort to be a good date!”
Tsukki exhaled through his nose. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”
Tadashi smiled in relief. He waited only a few more moments before he spoke up again. “Okay, so I was thinking we should each keep our own notes, and then we should have categories for how well we know the person too. Like acquaintances versus close friends for example.”
Brow furrowed; Tsukishima looked up from where he was pulling a fresh notebook from his bag. “Why?”
“Well I was serious earlier when I said different types of people. I didn’t just mean gender – don’t you think comfortability will play a factor in all of this?”
“Mm, yeah I suppose so.” He clicked his pen and wrote something down on the blank page.
Giddy excitement bubbled in Tadashi’s chest. He knew that posing it as research would work. If they were in this together, then hopefully he could feel less nervous and silly about the whole thing. These thoughts had been rolling around aimlessly for a few months now, and he’d really like to just nail them down and keep them still so he could worry about other more important things. Following Tsukki’s lead, he started drawing some lines down his paper to form a chart.
“So, who did you have in mind?” Tsukishima asked, face still concentrated on his own scribbling.
The excitement quieted for a moment, beginning to simmer into nervousness instead. “Uh, what do you mean?”
“Well, you came up with the categories, and you said you might be interested in guys too. You don’t expect me to believe that you thought about all of that without at least having one person you’re attracted to?” He looked up flatly.
“U-uh, w-well…” He trailed off, images of volleyball shorts, strong legs, the line of long graceful movements broken up by kneepads; forearms flexing in preparation of taking action, and the curl of slightly damp hair at the base of their neck. If Tadashi was being totally honest, he had noticed more than a few guys on the team weren’t exactly hard to look at – but he had to be careful which one he chose to mention to Tsukki. While he didn’t have an active crush on anyone, certain choices were still bound to lead to more teasing than others.
Tsukishima only raised his eyebrows as further prompting.
“U-um, well… Asahi-san isn’t… bad?” Tadashi squeaked out.
“Azumane-san!?” Tsukishima’s eyes widened incredulously, a dangerous smirk just barely pulling at the corner of his mouth. “You wanna get railed by Azumane-san? More like you’d probably have to do the railing – sure he’s big but he’s definitely a bot – “
“Tsukki!” Tadashi let out a laugh that sounded much more like he was choking. “I don’t wanna get – I’m not going to rai – we were talking about kissi – I was just,” he took a deep breath and glared while Tsukishima continued chortling openly. “You asked who I was attracted to. Asahi-san is tall, has nice hair and looks really cool when he does his jump serve,” Tadashi finished matter-of-factly, only slightly struggling to keep his cool.
“Fair enough,” Tsukishima shrugged, his voice was no longer teasing, but he still had that shit-eating grin on his face. “I’m guessing you don’t actually want to date him though, and no way is Azumane-san going to agree to some weird kissing experiment. So, you’ll probably need to find someone else for that category.”
Tadashi sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’ll start making a list of maybes.”
“Mm,” Tsukki grunted in approval as he wrote down what looked like a second name to his own “maybe” list.
Just like he had suspected, Tadashi’s paper looked up at him emptily, flatly laying out all its expectations of him. But still, there was that giddy excitement swirling through his veins. Even if Tadashi didn’t have anyone lined up yet, Tsukishima would surely have a date by the end of the week, and maybe that could help them both learn something about themselves. At least, he hoped so.
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