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I awoke to the familiar sound of my favourite Asia song blaring through my phone speaker at seven a.m. on a Tuesday morning. I groaned loudly and slammed my pillow over my head. It was the first day back to college after Spring Break and for some unknown reason I decided to take the early morning Introduction to Mythology class instead of the late afternoon one. Stupid.
I reluctantly rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair or well-worn jeans and my favourite deep green Henley, as well as a grey flannel and my boots. I wandered out of my room to the kitchen to see my roommate and high school best friend, Castiel Novak. I paused at the doorway to watch him for a second. He was in the middle of making breakfast while also trying to finish a paper on ancient languages or something nerdy like that. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him, he’d obviously not been awake much longer than me with his hair sticking up every which way, not that he ever managed to tame it anyway.
I’d never been into guys, everyone always said I was the high school’s “resident ladies’ man”, with an on-off relationship with the head cheerleader, Lisa Braeden, but that was before a quiet, kind of nerdy dark-haired kid transferred in the middle of my sophomore year. I was instantly drawn to Cas from the first time I saw him; being attracted to boys was never something I’d ever really thought about, but that all changed the day I met Castiel. We’d been best friends and partners in crime ever since, but I had always held out hope for more, even though as far as I knew, Cas was straighter than an arrow.
“Uh…you okay, Dean?” Cas’ voice snapped me out of my trance, and I realised I had been staring open mouthed at my roommate like a goldfish. Cas was looking at me with his brows slightly furrowed with concern, those huge blue eyes of his wide and questioning.
It took me a minute to remember how to speak English before I managed to answer. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine just tired.” I brushed him off with a small smile and walked into the kitchen to grab a pop tart out of the cupboard.
A recognisable ache started to spread through my chest, one I had become well acquainted with over the past few years. It happened every time Cas flashed me that heart-breaking smile of his or whenever he hugged me goodbye before he left for class. I’d gotten so used to keeping my feelings secret that it never occurred to me to tell him how I felt. And anyways, he wasn’t into me, or guys, for that matter, and I wouldn’t want to mess up our friendship over a stupid high school crush. I sighed a little too loudly as I opened my pop tart packet.
A hand slipped onto my shoulder and I turned around to find myself face to face with Cas, a little too close for me to remain calm. From this close, I could see every ring of blue in his irises and every one of his eyelashes. My breath hitched slightly but he didn’t seem to notice.
Not moving his hand, Castiel tilted his head to the side in that endearingly puzzled way of his. My heart clenched at the sight.
“Are you sure you’re alright? You seem…off.”
I wanted to say, No, I’m not okay I’ve had an embarrassingly massive crush on you for the past four years and you’re completely clueless, but I’m a coward so I went for the easy option; deflection.
“Um, we’re almost out of pop tarts.” I internally winced once the words left my mouth, what kind of a deflection was that? Gee, Winchester, some ace subject changing right there, nice work.
Castiel’s brows knitted themselves together even more than I thought possible and his hand slipped from its place on my shoulder. I couldn’t help but miss the contact and the warmth that seemed to radiate from Castiel’s hands. He stepped out of my space and I instantly tried to think of a way to get him back close to me.
“Why do you keep avoiding the question, Dean?” Castiel looked mildly annoyed now.
“Why are you so obsessed with asking me what’s wrong?” I just about clamped my hand over my mouth, regretting it as soon as I said it. Why the hell did you say that?
Cas flinched at my tone and backed away even more, hurt flashing over his face and colouring the sapphire of his eyes with a dull grey. Damn it.
“Cas, I’m sorry man, I don’t know why I reacted like that…are we okay?” I finished tentatively, almost afraid of the answer. Cas and I never really fought but I knew that he was sensitive to being yelled at. He’d grown up with a commanding officer rather than a father and instead of receiving comforting words and encouragement, all his childhood he was always met with barked orders and growled reprimands. The few times I had snapped at him, it sometimes took a few hours for him to become comfortable around me again and I had to remind him that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I felt like every time it happened, I was pushing Cas further and further away and the thought made me sick to my stomach.
Castiel met my eyes with an unreadable expression on his face. For a moment I thought he was just going to dismiss it and forget it happened, but than his handsome face was marred by anger and hurt.
“No! We are not okay! You’ve been avoiding me and dodging my questions for weeks.” He hesitated but continued. “I just want to know what I did.” He finished quietly and a little brokenly.
“Cas, you haven’t done anything wrong! And I wasn’t avoiding you, I’ve just…had a lot on my mind.” By, a lot on my mind, I meant, I’m kind of in love with you and I don’t know how to act around you, but there’s no way I was gonna tell Cas that.
Castiel crossed his arms with a look of incredulity on his face. “That’s what you’re going with? ‘I’ve been busy’, seriously, Dean, I think I deserve a bit more than that.”
I sighed again; I didn’t know what to tell him. “I don’t know what to say, Cas,” I took notice of the clock on the wall and realised I was late for class. “I’m late to class, man, but I’ll be back later, and we’ll talk about this, okay?” I lowered my head to catch Castiel’s gaze and he gave me a small nod but didn’t return the small smile I flashed at him tentatively. My heart dropped an extra level than it already had.
I nodded at him awkwardly and headed for the door, scooping up my bag on the way.
My hand was on the latch when I heard, “Dean, wait.” I whipped around hopefully.
Castiel was holding out a sandwich in his hand. “I made you a snack, I know you get hungry.” The blue-eyed man spoke softly, eyes glued to the floor.
Something twisted uncomfortably in my chest. Even after you were a dick to him, he’s still making you your goddamn lunch.
“Thanks, Cas.” I managed to get it out without my voice wavering. He looked up and smiled a little, everything would be fine.
I hesitated before turning to leave, half hoping Cas would give me one of his trademark hugs before I went but when he made no move to come towards me, I left with an awkward wave. I understood that he was still upset with me, but I couldn’t help but be disappointed with not getting a hug from him. Everyday it seemed my need to be near him was increasing.
I walked heavily down the hallway of my dorm building but after checking my watch and realising I had missed nearly half the class, I broke into a fairly graceless run, nearly dropped my stuff and bumping into a few people. Little did I know, a certain dark-haired boy was watching me from the doorway, snickering as I stumbled and tripped.
-
My classes ended relatively early and I couldn’t wait to get back home so I could sort things out with Cas. I hadn’t been able to concentrate in any of my lectures; my head was full of my argument with Castiel and I felt guilty all day. I said bye to a few friends and classmates, spoke briefly with my professor and headed out. I had a good feeling that Cas and I would make up and go right back to normal, and it put a smile on my face. You should tell him how you feel. The daunting thought invaded my happy headspace, but I swiftly pushed it aside and carried on my way.
I got to my door and knocked. There was no answer, so I figured Cas was busy and pulled out my key to let myself in. I shut the door behind me and kicked off my boots and was just about to call out for Cas when I heard voices coming from the living room and I froze in place at what I heard.
“Come on, Anna, this is Dean we’re talking about. He’s the straightest guy alive and there is no point in me telling him how I feel because it would just ruin our friendship and make him uncomfortable.”
WHAT?! I nearly fell over and stumbled to hide behind the wall. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing; Cas was talking about his feelings for me over the phone to his sister. The news that he was into guys was enough to stop my heart.
“He doesn’t like me like that! What? No, I’ve had a crush on him since Junior Year, I think if he were interested, he would have caught on by now.”
My head was spinning, and I tried not to gasp at what I heard. I stayed hidden, momentarily feeling guilty for eavesdropping but batting the feeling aside because what I was hearing was way more important. Since Junior Year? That’s only one year after I started to like him…. the realisation that we could’ve been together all that time made me breathless and I could feel my heart thumping in my chest.
I realised I couldn’t hear Cas talking and turned to leave my hiding spot and act as if I’d only just come in, but I was too late, just as I spun around, I collided with a hard body.
Castiel yelped and his eyes widened in surprise, surprise which quickly turned into pure panic when he realised that I’d heard his conversation with his sister.
Oh god….
“Dean…. did you-” Cas started to ask me with a pained look on his face, so I jumped in to save him the trouble of asking.
“Yeah, I heard you. I heard what you said.” I said breathlessly, not really knowing how to approach this situation.
A bright red blush spread itself over Cas’ cheeks and he looked down in shame. “I’m so sorry you heard that, it was not my intention. You can forget you ever heard it.” The, if that’s what you want, hung unsaid in the space between us and there was a tense pause.
That’s definitely not what you want. For once, I decided to listen to my inner monologue.
I lurched forward and grabbed Castiel’s hand with my own, causing him to snap his head up to mine. Blue met green. He looked at me with confusion on his face, so I decided to just tell him.
“What if…what if I don’t want to forget?” I spoke slowly, my nerves getting the best of me.
Something changed in Castiel’s face, his eyes shined with a glint of hope and the corners of his mouth started to curl upwards in a tentative smile.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” I took a deep breath, “I mean I’ve liked you since Sophomore Year and I didn’t think you felt the same. Well, until now.” A grin broke out on Castiel’s face and my lips moved to mirror his expression. I couldn’t believe what was happening. Finally.
“You’re serious? Since Sophomore Year? I can’t believe I didn’t know.” Cas gripped my hand tighter in his and stepped closer into my personal space.
I remembered something I’d heard from Cas’ phone conversation and took the opportunity to tease him. “So…you have a crush on me huh?” I grinned down at him and he blushed again. Seeing his cheeks go all rosy may have been the best things to have happened to me all year.
“Well, if having a crush on you means that I’m in love with you, then yeah, I guess so.”
My heart lurched and the cocky grin dropped off my face. I wasn’t sure Cas had just said what I think he did.
“You…you’re in love with me?” I stared into his eyes in disbelief.
“I am, Dean,” Castiel smiled at me warmly, “And it’s okay if you don’t-”
Before I could decide otherwise, I was interrupting Cas and blurting out what I’d been keeping in for so long. “I’m in love with you too. I have been for a while, I think.”
Castiel’s face broke into the biggest smile I had ever seen, and he reached up with his hands to cradle my cheeks. He moved infinitesimally closer and I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck, carding my fingers through the soft curls at the base of his neck.
By this point we were so close together that I could feel Cas’ warm breath on my face. My eyes started to flutter closed and I leaned in further. Cas pulled my face down to meet his and the anticipation was nearly too much for me. At long last, he touched his lips, feather-light to mine and-
-
I jolted awake to my alarm song, The Heat of The Moment, and sat up slowly. I looked over at my alarm clock. Tuesday, seven a.m. Suddenly, my dream came rushing back to me and I lifted a hand to my lips, trying to remember what dream-Cas’ lips had felt like.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod.
I got up and didn’t bother changing out of my pyjamas, simply wrapping my robe around myself. There was no way I was going to class.
I padded down the hallway to the kitchen and stopped at the sight; Cas was sitting at the dining table, face buried in his laptop and a slice of toast half hanging from his lips. Oh god his lips.
I stood there watching him until he looked up and noticed me.
“Dean! Good morning.”
“Mornin’, Cas,” I grinned down at him and as I saw a light blush scatter itself across his cheeks, I knew. I knew he felt the same as me and I knew what I had to do.
Without further ado, I closed the distance between myself and Castiel with three large steps and pulled him up from his seat.
“Dean, what are you-” He started saying but never got to finish when I pressed my lips against his.
For a split second, he was frozen against me in surprise and I panicked, thinking I had made a huge mistake, but he quickly relaxed into the kiss, sighing adorably into my mouth, and wrapping his hands around my neck as I enclosed my own around his waist.
After a few seconds we broke apart, both breathing heavily, if not from the kiss then from the exhilaration. Cas stared up at me with an awestruck look on his face, his eyes wide as ever.
I pulled him even closer and said, “I’m in love with you, Cas, and I’m sorry it took me this long to say it.”
The reaction I got from Cas was not one I had been expecting; he started to giggle. It quickly progressed into hearty laughter that left me confused and left him breathless.
“What- why are you laughing?”
“I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, I just- I had a dream last night that went exactly like this.” Castiel’s cheeks were red from laughter and he still had an ear-splitting grin plastered on his face.
“No way! So did I.” I chuckled warmly as Cas stared at me in surprise.
Cas readjusted his arms around my neck and ran his hands through my hair, leaning into me.
“Well then I guess that’s a sign, isn’t it?” He whispered softly.
I squeezed my arms tighter around him and leaned in to kiss him, answering him just before my lips touched his. “Yeah, yeah I guess it is.”