Chapter Text
It was raining heavily, and In was so cold.
He felt the warmth of Korn’s arms around him, his only source of warmth except the fire raging in his heart.
It wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair. Surely it wasn’t a crime to seek love and happiness on your birthday of all fucking days. He just wanted one day.
One day would have been enough for him to take what life would throw at him for the next month. He knew he could tolerate hiding his relationship from the world. Stolen glances with P’Korn across the table, meeting up late at night, and running away to their little apartment just for a moment of serenity. A moment in which everything would be okay.
Just one day, just one moment. In craved for the peace that the world just refused to give him.
The storm outside raged on.
“It’s okay, In. It’s okay,” P’Korn comforted him.
“Don’t leave me.” He requested. The only thing keeping In together right now was knowing that P’Korn was here holding him. No matter what they were in this together.
“I’m sorry,” P’Korn started, “I love you. Remember that I love you so much.”
In shook his head. He didn't understand.
“Don’t talk like that. Don’t talk like you’re leaving me," he said, his voice growing desperate. "I will always be with you.”
P’Korn pulled him closer and their lips met each other. In felt every muscle in his body yearning to hold P’Korn tighter but in that moment he seemed so far away.
As they kissed the sound of the rain faded into the background and just for a moment, In wondered if they could find their peace again. However, the silence was quickly broken by the sound of a door opening, and In turns to see his father standing in the doorway.
~
Pharm couldn’t control his body. He was suffocating and his eyes burned
He remembered this nightmare. It has never stopped haunting him.
Pharm remembered what comes next.
He willed himself to wake up from this endless torture.
It’s just a dream. He told himself.
His eyes flew open and Pharm could finally relax. He shook the memories nightmare from his head and grabbed his phone.
“Damn it, I can’t be late on the first day,” Pharm exclaimed as he jumped out of bed.
~
In record timing, Pharm arrived in his new college campus looking like he had his life together. He was thankful his uncle gave him a small apartment that was a 15 minutes drive from school.
He joined the queue for what he presumed was the sign up booth for the orientation. Pharm wasn't 100% sure but he definitely was not ready to ask anyone about it.
“Hello,” the boy in front of Pharm said politely after he saw a frazzled Pharm looking around. “What’s your name? I’m Team.”
Pharm felt his nerves ease and responded “I’m Pharm.”
An eager looking girl then introduced herself to them, “Hello! My name is Manaow.”
They waved at each other awkwardly for a few seconds, unsure what comes after.
Team was the first to break the silence. “After the registration, there are club activities that we can go and have a look.”
“Which club are you guys planning to join?” Manaow asked.
“I’m thinking of joining the swimming club. I got into this university because of my swimming scholarship.” Team shared which earned a giggle from Manaow.
“I will believe it if you gain more muscle,” she teased.
“I think I will join…” I started to say just as something caught Manaow’s eyes.
“Oh my god!!! That’s P’Dean!!!!” She exclaimed, pointing to someone in a swimming club uniform who was walking up the stairs.
Manaow then began to recite every detail of P’Dean’s life as if she was his mother.
Pharm vaguely heard that he is from the Faculty of Business Administration and he heard Team beginning to say something else but Pharm couldn’t hear anything as he was drowning in the deafening sound of his own heart beat.
He felt a sudden but intense ache in his chest.
Pharm could barely breathe and it took everything in his power to remain standing. Flashes of his memories nightmares came to his mind. It was blurry and dark. All he could hear were the crying, the screams, the…
The world comes to a halt.
…
..
.
“Pharm?”
He blinks and loses sight of P’Dean.
It was nothing. He can’t have a panic attack on his first day of school. Not again.
“It’s your turn to register,” Team informed him.
Everything is fine , Pharm told himself.
“Oh Pharm, so which club will you be joining?” Manaow asked, remembering that he had just been interrupted. “Team will join the swimming club, and I will join the drama club.”
“I think I will join the cooking club.”
“The cooking club?” Both Team and Manaow asked in shock.
“I really like to make Thai desserts,” Pharm explained simply.
“That’s great, I love to eat Thai desserts!” Manaow exclaimed and Pharm couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“Well then, we will split up to join the respective clubs and then meet back again at the student lounge?” Manaow asked their little group.
Team and Pharm nodded in agreement and Pharm almost forgot the weird encounter a few minutes ago.
~
“There are so many girls in the club I almost fainted,” Manaow lamented as they took turns recounting the experience of signing up for their respective clubs.
Pharm shook his head at her disapprovingly.
“Of course, it is a drama club,” Team said before continuing in a hushed tone, “but if you’re interested to see a lot of guys, come and join the swimming club.”
Manaow scoffed at the idea, “no, it’s too hot.”
As they were speaking, a loud crash occurred just outside the student lounge.
The sound faded away but Pharm could still hear the ringing in his ears. His heart raced and he could not slow it down. In a matter of seconds he could feel himself hyperventilating and the familiar burning sensation returning to his eyes.
No, no, no… Pharm thought to himself. He was doing so well.
“Pharm? What’s the matter?” Manaow asked as soon as she noticed Pharm’s unusually pale face.
“Are you okay?” Team chimed in.
“I was… scared of that noise…” Pharm admitted to his new friends.
“Why were you scared of the noise?”
“I have been scared of loud noises since I was young. If I hear a loud noise I will panic… like what just happened.”
“How loud of a noise will cause you to panic?” Team asked good naturedly.
“Like,” Pharm started to think of examples, “lightning sounds, bomb sounds, gu…”
Pharm stops himself.
“How about starting pistols used in races?” Team asked.
Pharm smiled at the concern Team and Manaow were showing him. “It’s fine if I am expecting it. It shouldn’t be a problem.”
“So that means you won’t have a problem when we go watch P’Dean at the swimming competition!” Manaow stated excitedly.
Hearing that name sent a chill down Pharm’s spine even if he could not understand why.
Manaow smiled at him, “Look at you, Pharm. You’re so tiny! Let me protect you!”
“Protect me from what?”
“Let me protect you both,” Team butted in.
“You’re crazy,” Pharm teased.
“How can you protect us?” Manaow agreed. “Pharm needs someone like P’Dean to protect him! He’s so big and tall and Pharm is so small and tiny!”
Something in Pharm made him feel a deep rage. It wasn’t anger. It was rage. Pharm knew the feeling even if he didn’t know where it came from.
“Stop talking and go back to your seat,” he told Manaow, trying to mask his statement as a teasing joke.
Pharm has had many awkward situations and panic attacks in his life, but somehow nothing has ever made him feel more uncomfortable than hearing Manaow bring up P’Dean. He didn’t even know the guy yet something in him wanted to blame this guy for all the grief and rage Pharm had been carrying his whole life.
“You’re blushing!” Manaow continued to tease.
“Why are you so shy?” Team asked.
It wasn’t shyness, Pharm was sure. It was the raging fire growing deep within himself making his blood boil and turning his face red. A feeling he only vaguely remembers experiencing in his memories nightmares.
~
Pharm could finally catch a breath as he sat on the sofa in his apartment. It had been an unexpectedly exhausting first day of school.
He sighed as he released all the tension that he had accumulated throughout the day.
He tried to close his eyes and calm his mind but his mind kept drifting towards his new school’s swimming club. Completely giving in to his own curiosity, Pharm took out his phone to find the swimming club’s page on Facebook.
He didn’t need to scroll too far before finding a post that introduced the club’s new president of the year - P’Dean.
It felt like he no longer controlled his hands as they moved to click on P’Dean’s Facebook profile page.
For the first time today, Pharm didn’t hold back his tears.