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The sun rose every day, spring would come after winter, and Taehyung was in love with Yoongi.
“Taehyung,” Yoongi said. Taehyung turned, smile already on his face, to see Yoongi’s lips twitch at the sight. A laugh was there, just behind his words, “it’s late. You should sleep.”
“I’m not tired, hyung. Can’t sleep,” Taehyung said as he watched Yoongi walk closer. He stopped beside the couch Taehyung sat on; eyes evaluating him closely.
“You are tired,” Yoongi argued quietly; eyes soft, hands just the same as he gently pressed his fingertips to Taehyung’s cheek. Taehyung felt his breath catch in his throat; eyes wide as Yoongi focused on his own fingers, frowning slightly. “You have bags under your eyes.” He brought his gaze up to Taehyung’s. “Put the game up, okay? Try to rest, at least.”
Taehyung felt off kilter; shaken, as he managed a small, “Okay.” Yoongi seemed pleased with this, and gave him a smile. He left, but not before his thumb dragged lightly over the swell of Taehyung’s cheek.
Taehyung couldn’t sleep for a long while after it. His skin buzzed; tingled with the memory that played over and over.
Taehyung knew he would end up falling for Min Yoongi not long after they met. It was easy for him to see it coming a mile away in an odd sort of detachment. It started slowly, like the first time Yoongi sent a nervous Taehyung a reassuring smile. Or the first time Taehyung really looked at Yoongi - allowed himself a moment to linger on the curve of his jaw, or the pink of his lips. It was an obvious inevitability when Yoongi would listen to him so closely, and take him seriously when it felt like no one else in the world did.
By the time BTS’ career had finally felt like it was taking off, Taehyung was well past a petty crush. He’d tumbled head first into love - had been pushed into it with delicate hands that skimmed pianos reverently before playing; had been urged toward it with careful encouragement when he was feeling down. Yoongi had done everything in his power to make Taehyung love him, and he hadn’t even realized.
Taehyung couldn’t think of a time where he wouldn’t love him - it was just a part of life, for him. A certainty.
The blue sky, spring, and Yoongi.
No one knew he was in love with Yoongi. He didn’t try to hide it, not really, but he didn’t tell anyone either. He had a feeling Jimin suspected as much, which was hardly surprising. Jimin knew Taehyung as well as he knew himself. But he never brought it up, so neither did Taehyung. That was fine by him. He was in no rush, not even years after it all first began. It was fine as is. He was happy, that way. He could exist like that, by Yoongi’s side just like he always had.
Or so he thought.
He wasn’t quite sure how, or why, or when it all began but a handful of years after their debut, and Taehyung was beginning to feel restless. Any thought about Yoongi set his nerves alight. Maybe it was just because Taehyung had been particularly stressed, or perhaps it was the extra careful attention Yoongi seemed to have been giving him. Maybe it was just the weight of a secret-but-not-so-secret bearing down too much after all those years. Whatever it was, Taehyung didn’t like it very much. He didn’t like it, but he ignored it. It wouldn’t do him much good, he figured. It wasn’t like anything would come of it.
And then, someone gave Yoongi their number.
That hadn’t been secret either. It had been in the hallway of a recording studio. They’d done rehearsals already, and had been getting ready to leave. Taehyung remembers trailing after Yoongi; feet heavy and eyes heavier. Someone had stopped Yoongi in a hurry - so quickly that Taehyung accidentally bumped into him. Jimin, who had been right behind Taehyung, managed to stop short in time but not without an annoyed huff escaping.
Taehyung watched, wide eyed, as a man began to talk to Yoongi as though they were close friends. Maybe they were? Yoongi had a lot of friends, a lot of which Taehyung wasn’t even sure how he gained.
Taehyung had been just about to step around them - give them privacy - when he saw it. “My number,” the man was saying; smile wide and nervous and hopeful. “If you’d like. I enjoyed talking to you. Call me?”
Yoongi’s ears turned pink at an alarming rate as he accepted the small slip of paper. “Oh, yeah, of course.”
The man had absolutely beamed. Taehyung’s stomach twisted, sharp and painful. “Great! Great, yeah, okay. Great.” Flustered by his own stuttering, the man laughed, “I’ll see you later!”
If Taehyung’s heart didn’t feel like lead, he may have been endeared by the man’s rush to leave. As it were, he felt a little like death. Behind him, Jimin made an obnoxiously loud cooing noise. “Ooh, who was he, hyung?”
Yoongi refused to turn around; fist clenched around the note. “A friend. Shut up.” From his place now standing beside him, Taehyung could easily see the pleased smile on his face; the healthy pink to his cheeks. “He works sound. We got talking. He’s nice.”
“Oh, I know you think he’s nice,” Jimin said; voice dipped in a giggle. “I can tell by all the ogling.”
“Shut up,” Yoongi hissed before storming off down the hall.
Oh, Taehyung realized, suddenly. Awfully. Right. It won’t be like this forever.
So. Maybe that had done it it definitely had. Someone, some day, would date Yoongi. Someone, some day, somewhere, would love him just like Taehyung did. Someone, some lucky bastard, would love and be loved.
That person would not be Taehyung, not if he didn’t do anything about it.
But he was scared.
Time passed. Yoongi did not date the man, didn't talk about him, didn't giggle at his phone screen. Time passed, and everything was normal.
That was almost worse, somehow.
It invalidated the restlessness under Taehyung's skin; whispered to him, Why are you worried? It's the same. It can keep being that way. Why are you worried, you fool?
Taehyung used to be okay with everything as it was. He used to think that he could handle it - just being friends, never uttering a word, enjoying their time together. But -
Yoongi peered down at Taehyung, frown deep on his face, fingers dancing across Taehyung's arm like a dream. "Taehyung-ah? Are you going to sleep?"
Taehyung wanted to sleep. He'd been staring at the television in the living room, turned off, for the past hour to no avail. His mind was too clouded with heavy thoughts - no, not even thoughts. The ideas of thoughts. The vague feeling of pressure; an overbearing insistence that Something had to change.
When Taehyung didn't answer, Yoongi's hand returned to grip Taehyung's arm firmly. "Taehyung-ah, you're worrying me. Are you sick? Do you not feel well?"
"I'm okay," Taehyung whispered; finally tearing his eyes from the black screen to Yoongi. The frown had only gotten worse. "Just - just tired, hyung. Can't sleep."
Yoongi watched him for a long moment, some sort of consideration passing across his face before disappearing. The downturn of his lips remained. "I understand," he said quietly. "Sometimes when I get like that, I do some breathing exercises. It helps. Do you want hyung to walk you through it?"
Taehyung doesn't remember responding directly, but soon enough Yoongi was sitting beside him; arm brushing his, voice dipped into a murmur as he walked Taehyung through the exercises patiently.
He doesn't remember how or when he fell asleep, but when he woke he was covered in a carefully placed blanket. He felt better, more rested than he had in days, but somehow that pressure in his chest only got worse.
Taehyung was -
He was so -
When Taehyung got the text from Yoongi - The Text, his mind capitalized it. Important. Couldn't forget it if he tried. When Taehyung got The Text, he was shocked. He hadn't expected - never thought - but it was there. It was there, and those last words had finally broken a string that had wound itself tight around his lungs for so long. The string wasn't exactly about his suffocating affection for Yoongi, part of it maybe, but it had been - so much. So much that year, the year before, all bleeding together to make something restricting and painful.
I love you.
He knew. Of course. BTS was family, love, he knew. He knew, but -
He tried to imagine Yoongi saying it, for a little bit. Tried to imagine the way he'd look, the tone of his voice, if he'd look at Taehyung or if he'd look away. Tried to imagine if he meant it the way Taehyung always had.
Taehyung couldn't remember falling asleep, but when he woke up he felt lighter. When he woke up, he was still so -
But at least he had this -
I love you.
Taehyung was happy. He always was, around his members. How could he not be? He was happy, so happy. Content, warm, right where he needed to be in life. But sometimes, usually at night, it got a little harder to smile. A little harder to breathe.
Taehyung found himself on the couch again. This time, he was laying on his stomach; sprawled out on their couch. It was a meandering afternoon. Most of the members were out doing separate schedules - practice, composition, lunch dates with friends. Taehyung had the dorm to himself to let himself exist quietly. It was a little nice; a little overwhelming. The thoughts didn't rest much.
Somewhere at the back of his half asleep mind, Taehyung heard the door open and close.
It wasn't until there was a small laugh somewhere behind the couch that he registered someone had come home. Before he could contemplate looking, someone was carefully draping themselves over him; chest to back, legs knocking legs, breath of a giggle tickling his ear. "Aw," Yoongi laughed. The sudden, fierce twist to Taehyung's heart was so sharp that he nearly gasped. "Are you tired, little guy?"
Taehyung opened his mouth to say something, anything. He stared at Yoongi over his shoulder, eyes wide and mouth agape as he desperately tried to come up with a normal answer.
Are you tired?
Are you tired?
Are you -
"I am," Taehyung whispered. There was no point in hiding it anymore. He couldn't, not with Yoongi so close, so warm, so real. "I am tired, hyung. I am - "
So, so tired.
"Oh." Yoongi sounded surprised. The happy, teasing tone was gone in an instant. Yoongi didn't get up, but he did move to brush some hair from Taehyung's eyes. "Well. That's okay. You can be tired. It's okay to rest sometimes."
Taehyung sighed from somewhere deep in his chest, low and heavy. The weight of Yoongi felt nice, a way to ground himself in the moment. "I'm tired of being tired."
Yoongi took a moment longer to reply, this time. There was something solemn, now, to the set of his lips. Something that hummed with understanding. Empathy over sympathy. "Yeah. Yeah, me too. That's okay, too. It's all okay."
It didn't feel like it -
"Even when you don't - can't - believe it. It's all okay."
It's okay.
"Hyung, I - " The sigh that left him shuddered; wracked his frame. Yoongi, from above him, could surely feel him begin to shiver. The words got stuck in his throat. He wasn't even sure what the words were supposed to be.
"It's okay," Yoongi said. He was petting Taehyung's hair now, soft, gentle, slow. "Take your time. It's okay. Hyung will be here when you're ready."
But that was just the thing -
He couldn't wait. He couldn't. Because one day someone, somewhere, will -
He couldn't wait, but he was scared.
Scared of waiting, scared of not waiting. Scared of the power words held. Scared of how that I love you had affected him. Scared of how the I love you's in the future would be. What their tone would be, what would bring them to be said, if Yoongi would glance his way when he said it. Scared of being scared.
"It's okay," Yoongi said, like a promise. "Hyung is here. Always."
Always -
The girl had been nice enough. She was the photographer's assistant - bright eyed, hair tied in a messy bun, shirt rumpled in the way people who lived for their work got. Taehyung had talked to her for the two days they'd been doing the photo shoot. They didn't talk an extensive amount, but Taehyung was friendly and so was she, so it was good enough. Good enough, at least, for her to fumble her way through asking Taehyung for his phone number. He gave it to her, thinking nothing much of it, until Seokjin and Hoseok teased him about it.
He hadn't thought much of it, until he caught Yoongi looking at him. Until Yoongi quickly schooled the frown on his face into something neutral before whipping his head away.
He wouldn't have thought much of it, if Yoongi hadn't looked exactly like what Taehyung had felt so long ago in that recording studio hallway.
"Has hyung been acting weird to you?"
Taehyung didn't have to ask which hyung it was. He blinked up at Jimin from his place sprawled out on Jimin's bed; head in his friend's lap as they watched Up for the tenth time so they could both cry about the intro scene together. It had been a soft sort of day that had brought them there; warm hoodies and quiet voices through the dorm. Yellow afternoon light; coffee brewing every so often. "Not particularly? Why? Has he been acting weird with you?"
"No," Jimin said, but it sounded more like a sigh than an actual word. His fingers played in Taehyung's hair subconsciously; winding the strands around and around and around. "But he seems a little more...."
"A little less," Taehyung tried.
Jimin nodded. "Yes," he agreed. "Less. Quieter. It didn't start until..."
Taehyung had spent the entire month and a half since then trying not to draw conclusions, but he found himself again understanding exactly what Jimin was referring to. "It could have been a lot of things."
"Maybe," Jimin said. His hands paused, and then started again. "But he looked so sad that day. Resigned, I think."
Taehyung had seen it. And now, Jimin was reiterating his thoughts. So he hadn't read too much into it. Maybe. "I don't know what that means. If it's true."
Jimin was quiet for so long that Taehyung tore his eyes away from the television to look up at him. He was staring down at him with some quiet sort of expression - Taehyung couldn't place it, exactly, but it made him want to squirm. Like Jimin was looking right through him. "You would, if you allowed yourself to."
Taehyung couldn't find any words to that - his mouth opened, closed, opened, and closed again. Allowed? He hadn't - he wasn't -
"It's okay," Jimin said. He smoothed his hand through his hair this time; moving Taehyung's bangs back off of his forehead. "Take your time. No need to rush. Go at your own pace. Have you talked to that girl any, by the way?"
"No," Taehyung mumbled. "A little, at the start, but... I didn't really - I don't want someone who isn't - "
It felt a little pathetic to admit out loud, so he didn't. Jimin would understand anyway. The patient smile on Jimin's face told Taehyung he'd thought right. "That's okay." Taehyung didn't answer. "Ah, seriously." Jimin laughed softly, more breath than sound, and rubbed at the space between Taehyung's eyebrows. "You'll get early wrinkles if you keep frowning like that. It's okay to just allow yourself to feel, Tae. Do you know that?"
He might have, at one point.
"Yes," Taehyung lied. Sort of. He knew, theoretically. Putting it into practice, however...
Jimin wasn't convinced, but that was fine because neither was Taehyung. "Okay, as long as you're aware. We'll be here until you're ready."
"That's funny," Taehyung said. He had to close his eyes at the realization that settled between his lungs. "Hyung said the same thing."
Lips on his forehead for just a moment were sweet and soft. "That's because it’s true."
Always -
"Taehyung!" Yoongi's voice was firm, but not loud. Never loud. Taehyung had never heard Yoongi raise his voice at anyone in anger. He didn't need volume to intimidate, to scold, to get his point across. The frustrated set of his lips was testament enough. He had a hand wrapped around Taehyung's ankle, white knuckled. "You could have hurt yourself! You can't do things like that. Why did you even try - "
"I know," Taehyung muttered; ears hot with shame, heart pounding with the close call that was his failed attempt at a flip. "I have to be careful so close to the comeback - "
"The comeback is not what I'm concerned about right now." Yoongi met his eyes, fierce and stern. Taehyung couldn't look away no matter how badly he wanted to. "My first priority is always you, even when you apparently aren't your own. Stay here. I'm getting us water." Taehyung watched helplessly as Yoongi stood, and all but stomped over to the fridge shoved in the corner of their practice room.
"You scared me," Seokjin said. Taehyung wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, arms crossed. "That was a nasty fall. It could have been bad - "
" - I know, I already said I was sorry. I wasn't thinking - "
"Yoongi looks like he feels worse than you do." Seokjin nudged his leg with his foot. Taehyung couldn't fight the pout off his face. Seokjin rolled his eyes. "Don't give me that look. I won't fuss, but I just want you to know he and I both are going to watch you the rest of the day. If you so much as think the wrong idea - "
"Ugh, I get it, okay? It was dumb! I was dumb!"
Seokjin giggled, and leaned down to give his shoulder a rough pat. Taehyung grunted at the impact. "As long as you know, Taehyung-ah."
Yoongi and Seokjin really did watch him the rest of the day. He would catch their gazes occasionally in the practice mirror. He could scowl right back at Seokjin no problem - rebellious, playful. But Yoongi -
There was something about the intensity in which he would snap his eyes to Taehyung the second he so much as missed a single step - something all consuming, overwhelming, maybe. There was something -
"You scared me," Yoongi echoed Seokjin’s words hours later when it was just the two of them in the dark dorm kitchen. The glass Taehyung clutched was cold against his hand. Goosebumps began to pick their way across his arm. Yoongi was frowning, mug of maybe-tea-more-likely-coffee half way to his lips. He sat at the table, notebook spread in front of him; phone lit up on the table casting an odd shadow over his face. Taehyung thought for a moment that he had scared Yoongi by coming into the kitchen in the middle of the night, but - "I'm sorry I was rough with my words, but I was afraid you'd gotten hurt."
"Oh," Taehyung said. "Um, Sorry. I really wasn't thinking. It's my fault."
Yoongi waited a moment, considered, before replying, "And you're okay? Not hurt?"
"No, hyung. I'm okay."
"Good." Yoongi sighed. His smile seemed relieved, truly. Taehyung's heart tugged in his chest. "That's all I can ask for. Go to bed, Taehyung-ah. It's late."
"Okay."
Taehyung didn't sleep for a long while that night.
Taehyung wasn't sure he should be hearing the hushed conversation.
He'd been dragging himself back to his room after a quick shower. The day had been long with recording and dance practice and he wanted nothing more than to pass out in his bed.
He'd been passing Yoongi's room when he'd heard the quiet talking through the cracked door. " - all I'm saying is that maybe you should talk about it or something?"
"Namjoon." It was Yoongi's stern voice that had stopped him in his tracks. Taehyung froze just past the doorway; shoulders tense as though the ire was meant for him. "We've been through this. Not yet. Not now."
It was quiet for a long moment before Namjoon, voice softer, replied, "You've said that for years. When will it be the right time? Are you sure you'll let yourself think that time will come?"
"Namjoon." This time, Yoongi's voice was a bit of a stumble; so quiet that Taehyung had to strain to hear it. He wished he hadn't. He could hear something - something awful, something tired, something exhausted - there. "Please. Just... not yet."
There was a soft sigh, and the creak of a bed. Some shuffling, and then finally, "Okay, hyung. I just want you to be happy. You know that, right?"
"I know," Yoongi said. "I'm tired, Namjoon-ah."
I'm tired.
The words that seemed to haunt him had been echoed by Yoongi in much the same way that Taehyung always did. Maybe he should have felt relieved that someone else seemed to feel that same sort of bone deep, heavy tiredness as he did. Someone to relate to.
But all it did was make him sad.
"I know, hyung. That's okay."
Taehyung left.
Yoongi had said it jokingly. Which was fine - great, even. Taehyung loved a giggly Yoongi more than most things in his life, so he was always glad to see it. Any chance of seeing that grin; hearing the laugh behind his words was welcome. So Taehyung had felt the blossom of happiness unfurl in his chest when he saw that smile crawl across Yoongi's face. He'd echoed the smile unconsciously, excited that Yoongi was excited. And then Yoongi had squealed, "I love you!" before shoving Taehyung sideways into the pool.
His ears rung as he hit the water. It was cold when he hit it; cold when he broke the surface. His hair was in his face and he had water lodged in one of his ears. His eyes found Yoongi again, but maybe he'd never really stopped looking even as he fell. He should be annoyed, or maybe he should be trying to exact revenge, or maybe he should be laughing, too. But all he could do was focus on Yoongi. He was freezing. The wind nipped at his bare shoulders, at his ears, his nose. The cold dripped into his veins; drowned him in chill.
He was cold.
Or he should be.
But Yoongi, still laughing; ecstatic by his own antics, was looking at him with so much -
So much -
"Are you okay, Taehyung-ah?" Yoongi giggled from his hiding place behind Seokjin, as if ready for retaliation at any moment. As if Taehyung could even think about doing anything but stare right then. All Taehyung could see was the top half of his face; eyes wide, hair stuck to his forehead, fingers curled into Seokjin’s shoulders. Seokjin looked just as endeared as Taehyung felt as he rolled his eyes; made some comment about being used as a human shield. Yoongi ignored the complaining; gaze never moving, never losing that - that look of -
Of love -
"Yeah," Taehyung breathed. Raised his voice so Yoongi was sure to hear; grin wide, a hurting wide, impossibly wide, "I'm okay!"
Taehyung shivered, but he couldn't remember when he'd felt so warm.
"Taehyung-ah." Yoongi's voice stopped him in his tracks. Taehyung and Jimin paused by the practice room door. Yoongi was still sitting in the middle of the floor with Hoseok, where they'd been discussing something at length for quite a while.
"Yes, hyung?" Taehyung asked.
Yoongi looked exhausted; shirt clinging to his skin, hair askew, shoulders slumped. But his eyes were bright, sharp, when he said, "Rest tonight."
Shit, Taehyung thought idly as he tried to come up with some sort of response, I thought no one noticed.
The day had been particularly grueling for Taehyung. Not for one particular reason - some days were just worse than others - but he had hoped no one would realize he was feeling unwell. It would just make them worry. So he'd tried his best to act normal, to not show just how close to shaking his body was. But Yoongi had still noticed.
Somewhere, a dark; quiet part of Taehyung's mind, whispered, Of course he would notice. You know why he would. You know. Of course he would. He -
Taehyung said quickly, trying to drown out his own thoughts, "I will."
The look Yoongi gave him was long and searching. Taehyung tried not to squirm. He could feel Jimin looking at him, too. Even Hoseok was scrutinizing him; lips pulled down at the edges. Taehyung lost his fight against moving; shifted about on his feet. Yoongi seemed to decide to show him a little mercy as he nodded, and shooed him with his hand. "Good. Jimin-ah?"
"I got him, hyung," Jimin replied easily; curling his arm around Taehyung's. "Goodnight."
Hoseok and Yoongi bid them goodnight, and soon he and Jimin were walking down the quiet hallway.
"...Taehyung - "
"I know." Taehyung wasn't exactly sure what Jimin was going to say, but he had an idea. He did not want to talk about it. "I know."
Jimin didn't look convinced. Taehyung, once again, didn't believe himself either.
What do I know?
A cup of tea was set in front of him. Taehyung blinked up to see Yoongi standing beside the table; own mug curled in his hand. "Hyung?" Taehyung asked. He hadn't realized anyone else was awake. He'd been fighting with lyrics for a while, now; alone in the kitchen. He hadn't even noticed Yoongi enter; hadn't heard him over the quiet jazz playing through his headphones.
Yoongi smiled, soft; gentle. "You'll get it, don't worry." He gave Taehyung a light pat on the shoulder. "Just don't overwork yourself, okay?"
Taehyung nodded; hands curling around the mug. He felt the warmth spread into his palms, up his arms, into his chest. "Okay," he said.
With a satisfied nod, Yoongi turned and left.
You know, his mind whispered, this time with more fervency. You know -
Taehyung turned up his music.
"You did well, Taehyung-ah."
You know.
"Did you eat?"
You know.
"Hyung slept fine. Worry about yourself. I heard you go to the kitchen again last night. Have you been having problems sleeping again?"
You know you know -
"This is great. I always knew you could do it, Taehyung-ah. Have more faith in yourself, hm? Believe in hyung."
You know you know you know you know -
"Let hyung do it for you, please. You're gonna hurt yourself."
You -
Taehyung curled his fingers into Yoongi's sweatpants. Yoongi blinked down at him, surprised. Taehyung was a little surprised, too. But he let his mouth open before his brain could catch up, "It's good to hear you say you love me." Taehyung hadn't meant to say it, but now that he had he found it true. Yoongi's eyes widened; pink dusting his cheeks as he stared at him. "Please say it more often."
Yoongi's lips parted slightly. He stood there, dumbfounded, for a long moment before he stuttered out, "O... okay.” He glanced around the dorm, as if afraid someone would wander by. It was only them in the living room. Taehyung sat at Yoongi's feet; head tilted up to watch him and that pretty blush curl around his cheeks and color the tips of his ears. Yoongi had been checking in on Taehyung, who'd decided a day playing his Switch on the floor was how he was going to spend his day off. The familiar Animal Crossing tune trickled through the air at a lazy pace through the silence. "Um. Okay. I'll try."
Taehyung beamed; fingers curling tighter into the fabric before he let go. "Good. I'm happy."
Yoongi paused, licked his lips, and nodded somewhat stiffly. “Good. Um, good.” He rubbed the back of his neck; voice tumbling into something quieter, more gruff as his embarrassment weighed it down. “That’s all hyung wants.”
Taehyung’s smile widened.
“I know.”
The words settled deep into Taehyung’s lungs. I know, he thought even as Yoongi returned the smile and left. I know.
Taehyung did not hold the belief that Jimin was psychic, per say, but their connection was something close. Taehyung was in the middle of putting on his favorite pair of silk pajamas, intent on busting into Jimin’s room for solace, when his door opened.
“Tae?” Jimin called into the room, voice cautious. Taehyung turned around; hands still buttoning the last few buttons of his shirt. “Are you okay?”
Taehyung blinked; hands stilling. “Um... why do you ask?”
Jimin pursed his lips as he contemplated. “I’m not sure. Just felt like I needed to.” He stepped inside and closed the door behind him softly. “You don’t look okay.” As he stepped closer, Taehyung could smell the telltale signs of a bubble bath - his favorite rose bath bomb scent still clung to him, and the tips of his hair were still damp.
“You didn’t dry your hair all the way,” Taehyung said as he tugged on a few strands.
Jimin rolled his eyes, and ignored the remark. “I’ll take that as a, yes Jimin, you’re right, I’m a complete wreck right now.”
Taehyung pouted. “I’m not a complete wreck,” he grumbled.
Jimin’s hands lightly batted Taehyung’s away, and he finished buttoning his shirt for him. “I’m your best friend, Taehyung. Don’t try to lie to me.”
“I’m not, I’m just.... a little uneasy. Is all.” Taehyung didn’t believe himself the second it left his mouth. Jimin, of course, didn’t either. Soon he was being dragged to his bed by gentle hands, and ushered on to it.
“Alright,” Jimin said as he made himself comfortable at the head of Taehyung’s bed; pillows propped up behind his back. He settled down, wiggled a little, and opened his arms toward Taehyung when he was satisfied. “C’mere and tell me, then. Why are you a little uneasy?”
There was no escaping, when Jimin got like that. Not that Taehyung really wanted to. There was no safer place for him, he felt, to talk about his worries than in Jimin’s arms. So he sighed, resigned, and crawled into Jimin’s arms. Soon they had settled, chest to chest; Taehyung’s cheek squished against Jimin’s shoulder, Jimin’s arms securely around his back. “I know,” Taehyung whispered. The words came unbidden the second he rest his head. “I know,” he said. “I know that he - hyung - with me. I know. But I’m scared.”
Jimin waited for a few beats, and when Taehyung didn’t continue he spoke up, “Well. I don’t blame you. It’s sort of a big deal.”
“Maybe it’s not. It’s just - it could be just a crush, or something. It could not be a big deal at all. It could be a small deal. The tiniest. Infinitesimal - “
“You said you know,” Jimin interrupted. One of his hands began to rub circles into his shoulder. “Then you must know, first - hyung doesn’t do anything half assed. I don’t think it could be just a anything. And second - I don’t think you believe that yourself. You’ve seen the way he looks at you. Don’t you recognize something of yourself, there? Isn’t that why you figured it out?”
“I would really like it if you could just, like, not fucking clock me immediately,” Taehyung muttered petulantly.
Jimin chuckled. “Sorry, but if I’m nice about it you’ll just convince yourself it’s a fluke again.”
Jimin was right again. Taehyung pursed his lips; silent. He wasn't sure how to respond.
“Anyway,” Jimin began again. “What are you going to do?”
What was he going to do? This newfound realization felt heavy in his chest. How did he even proceed? He’d never really anticipated the entire situation getting this far. Had just been happy to shove his feelings in a box somewhere, to just enjoy Yoongi in his life without wanting. But then - then the prospect of change came barreling through. Then Taehyung had realized that it was impossible for things to remain unchanged.
His feelings hadn’t. After all this time, that was his constant. Something he clung to even when it felt like it only stressed him out.
What was he going to do?
Taehyung, after a long moment of consideration, replied, “Tell him. I think. I want him to know. Even if it’s not.... even if nothing comes out of it. I want him to know. He deserves to know. Maybe it’s selfish, but I want him to realize how special he is to me.” Even the thought was enough to trip his heart into an uncomfortable beat. He paused, reconsidered, “I don’t know if I can soon, but I’ll try.”
“Ah, my Taehyung,” Jimin said softly; hands moving to cradle the back of his head. “You’re something wonderful, do you know that?”
Taehyung tilted his head up as best he could to catch a glimpse of Jimin. He was smiling down at him as though Taehyung had said something grand. Eyebrows furrowed, he asked, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Jimin’s smile grew. His fingers began to scratch lightly at his scalp. Taehyung immediately melted further into his hold; head lowered to allow Jimin more access. He felt more than heard the quiet laugh escape Jimin. “Even when you’re so scared, you try so hard for the people you love. I’ve always admired that about you.”
Taehyung felt himself flush at the sudden praise, even if he didn’t think it was quite true. He’d spent so long running away from his own feelings, scared of the enormity. Scared of the shifting it would bring if it came to light. Scared of just how deeply he had fallen by then. It all felt so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and yet so terribly overwhelming. “You’re overreacting,” Taehyung said.
“I don’t think so, but I’ll agree if it makes you feel better.”
Taehyung snorted. “Gee, thanks.”
Another laugh, this one softer still. His fingers continued to scratch slow and gentle. Taehyung closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. He smelled roses. “You’re welcome. Take your time, Taehyung. What have I told you? What has he told you? We’ll be here when you’re ready. It’s okay.”
That time, just that once, Taehyung allowed himself to think that maybe he was right.
Yoongi kept his word.
As stumbling as it may be, he tried his best to say it more often.
It was awfully endearing, the way Yoongi would wrinkle his nose; shoulders raising as though to shield himself against the oncoming embarrassment he would give himself. It was almost always the same way - quiet, flustered, a tumble of words. It was always always always so terribly soft and lovely. Taehyung wanted to etch each moment into his brain somehow; get it in writing, in ink, in stone. Carry them with him to open and read when he felt like it.
He tried not to be as nervous as Yoongi each time - that would do neither of them any good - but he wasn’t sure how well it worked. Either way, he always managed a grin, and a laugh as he chirped, “thank you, hyung!”
And each time Yoongi always gave him this satisfied little nod, smile small and crooked. A job well done.
Taehyung was so wonderfully in love.
It had been some time since his talk with Jimin. It had been some time since Yoongi began saying “I love you” in stilted, flustered little mumbles.
It had been enough time.
Taehyung didn’t think he’d ever truly be ready to confess. It was sort of a big deal, sort of world changing, sort of not at all. Which was why he couldn’t wait any longer.
He’d gotten more antsy as the days passed of recent. The itching under his skin urging him to find the right moment. Right now. No, now?
It was driving him all sorts of crazy.
He’d tried once, in a waiting room. Had opened his mouth; determined and ready. Had gotten Yoongi’s full attention; dark eyes on his like a pin to a butterfly. Had bailed last second; nerves crawling into his throat and dying there. Yoongi had been as patient as he always was; waiting through Taehyung’s silent turmoil, eyes heavy but never unkind.
When Taehyung had simply mumbled a shaky, “Nevermind,” Yoongi had taken it all with grace and ease.
He had smiled, pat Taehyung’s knee, and said, “Whenever you’re ready.”
It felt like the universe was laughing at Taehyung, at this point.
Yoongi found him on the couch again one night.
It was quiet in the dorm. Everyone else was asleep by then, and Taehyung felt the exhaustion settling deep in his bones. His mind, however, was still running endless loops in his skull. Sleep would evade him for a little while longer, so he had escaped his stifling room to crash on the couch.
He was scrolling through Twitter mindlessly, not really seeing what he was looking at, when he heard shuffling.
He looked up to see Yoongi standing there, clothes in disarray; hair sticking out in all directions. Yoongi blinked at him; slow and sleepy.
Taehyung couldn’t help but laugh.
Yoongi’s pout was immediate and adorable. His nose scrunched; lips pursed. “What?” He asked; voice rough with sleep.
“You look tired, hyung,” Taehyung said with a laugh. “Why aren’t you asleep?”
Yoongi sighed heavily, and unceremoniously threw himself sideways on the couch beside him. They both bounced a little at the impact, and then suddenly Taehyung had a lap full of Yoongi.
Taehyung’s brain had to scramble to reboot in time to hear Yoongi’s reply.
“I am tired. Always fuckin tired.” Yoongi’s head rested on Taehyung’s lap as though it was a common occurrence. Taehyung’s poor heart was glad it wasn’t, lest the sight of Yoongi’s dark hair fanning across his own thighs give him a heart attack. It was dark, but Taehyung saw the way Yoongi’s eyelashes fluttered with astonishing clarity. He had always thought his hyung was painfully pretty and small but this - Yoongi laying on his side, head in his lap, sleepy eyes blinking into the dark - was torture. “Can’t sleep. Been trying for hours.”
“Yeah, same here,” Taehyung said; amazed his own voice escaped steady.
Yoongi’s eyes opened and met his gaze. “Glad I’m not the only one, I guess.”
“Misery loves company,” Taehyung supplied, and they shared a quiet; sleepy chuckle. Taehyung, because he supposed he loved giving himself near heart attacks, reached down to run his fingers through Yoongi’s hair.
Yoongi let out a loud, heavy sigh and closed his eyes again. He made a low hum, and mumbled, “Keep that up and maybe I’ll actually sleep.”
Taehyung smiled through the heart in his throat. “Good. You need some rest.”
“So do you,” Yoongi said.
“I’m okay,” Taehyung replied. He wouldn’t allow sleep to pry him away from this. He felt wide awake; viscerally in the present.
They lapsed into comfortable silence. Their breathing and the soft shhh of Yoongi’s hair between Taehyung’s fingers filling their space.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat like that, but suddenly Yoongi’s eyes snapped open and met his gaze. “Oh, uh,” Yoongi began; eyes darting away just as quickly as they’d found him. “I just realized it’s been a while.”
Taehyung blinked down at his suddenly shifting hyung. “Been a while since what?”
Yoongi pursed his lips. His cheeks were darkening rapidly, and he refused to look at Taehyung. “Just, uh. You know. I love you.”
Ah, Taehyung thought.
“Ah,” he echoed his thoughts; brain now traitorously useless even though it had been so loud before. Yoongi seemed to be getting more embarrassed by the moment; arms crossed and knees curling in toward his chest. Taehyung sighed; ignored the pulse slamming into his rib cage. He leaned over to catch Yoongi’s eyes, although it was a short struggle. Yoongi turned his head down to avoid him, but Taehyung tilted himself easily enough. Soon they were eye to eye, nose to nose. Taehyung took a small, deep breath and said, “I know.”
Yoongi stared at him for a long moment. His words were slow as he replied, “I mean... I hope you would know. I love all of you - “
“No, hyung,” Taehyung interrupted. He could feel his own cheeks reddening; sunlight under his skin trying to escape. “I know. That you love me.”
Taehyung had to jerk backwards to avoid colliding with Yoongi as he shot up. Yoongi spun around to face him; eyes wide and hair even more wild than it had been when he entered. Taehyung would have found it cute, had Yoongi not looked so frightened. “What?” He croaked; shifting back farther on the couch.
Taehyung’s mind screamed at him to abort mission but he steeled himself. He had gotten this far. It was only fair to both of them he continued. “I know,” he said again. “That you love me. I think I might have known for a while.” Taehyung couldn’t bring himself to look at Yoongi right then, so he stared down at his now empty lap; hands wringing together. “And I... I’m sorry. It took me so long. To actually realize. But I was scared and I didn’t really know what to do - “
“Taehyung,” Yoongi’s voice was soft and trembling. “Why are you apologizing? I never meant for you to find out. I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable - “
“What?” This got Taehyung’s head to snap back towards him. They both stared at each other with wide eyes. “Hyung.” Taehyung frowned. “Why would I be uncomfortable?” Yoongi didn’t answer.
Oh, Taehyung thought. He’s just as scared as I am.
That made Taehyung feel a little bit better. It gave him some steady ground to plant his feet on; gave him a chance to take a breath and relax. “Hyung,” he said again, and turned to face him. Yoongi looked as though he was fighting the urge to run off. Taehyung reached out his hand; palm up. Yoongi stared at it for a long moment before carefully placing his palm into his. Taehyung squeezed his hand softly. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I should have said it before. But I don’t - I like constants. I like what we had. I like our life now and I liked it back then. I like you. So much.” Taehyung made sure to keep his eyes on Yoongi’s; pleading that his sincerity came through. “I know you love me, like you know I love you, right?”
Yoongi’s fingers dug into his skin; firm but not painful. “I,” he said, and paused again. His voice was still small, unsure. “I do, yes.”
A grin spread easily across Taehyung’s face. “Good. Because I do. I love you so much, hyung. I have for a really long time. But like I said, I was scared. It’s sort of a big deal, I think. But also not. And that uncertainty freaked me out. I’m still scared, but I want you to know at least. I want you to know all the ways I mean when I say I love you.”
Yoongi’s eyes widened impossibly further, and he slipped his hand out of Taehyung’s grasp to hide behind them. “Ughhh,” Yoongi groaned into his palms. Taehyung, despite his still heart still trying to escape his chest, laughed softly. “What the fuck, Taehyung. Fucking warn me first before you go saying shit like that!”
Taehyung’s laughter grew stronger, and he shifted closer. “I’ll think about it.”
Yoongi peered at Taehyung through his fingers. “I, um.” His voice was muffled, but his gaze was determined. “It’s the same for me. Hyung is scared, too. Not many people like change. And that’s... that’s okay, too.”
Oh, god dammit why is he so cute.
“Then we can be scared together,” Taehyung said; hopeful, nervous, trembling.
Yoongi lowered his hands slowly. “Yeah, together,” he agreed. Taehyung couldn’t help but beam at that, and Yoongi laughed at him. “God, what am I gonna do with you?”
Taehyung couldn’t help but giggle, “A lot, hopefully.”
“Wh - Kim Taehyung!”
Taehyung cackled and half heartedly tried to dodge the smack Yoongi sent his way. His arm barely stung, and soon enough Yoongi was slumped against his side; face hidden in his arm.
“I thought I was tired before,” Yoongi muttered.
“Yeah,” Taehyung agreed, but he couldn’t wipe the grin off his face. “But this is a good tired. I’m happy.”
Yoongi looked up at him again through his lashes; gaze intense and soft and wonderful. “Me, too,” he said, and it sounded a lot like kiss me.
“Hyung, can I - “
Yoongi’s lips were soft, a breath of a touch; hesitant. He leaned back a little, his eyes searching Taehyung’s. Taehyung smiled so hard it hurt, body trembling as he confessed, “You’re my first kiss, hyung.” A pause, and then a theatric gasp. “You’ve taken my purity.”
Yoongi snorted; shoulders shaking at his quiet laughter. “God dammit, you are insufferable.”
“How will I ever be married now?”
“Taehyung, I swear to fuck - “
“Mother must never know. You have to marry me to save my integrity, and the family business. Father will be livid - “
Yoongi shoved Taehyung lightly; doing his best to fight away his laughter. “Insufferable! Why do I - “ they both stopped, and stared at each other; realization new and old and unfamiliar and true. Yoongi sighed, exasperated; fond. He was smiling when he said it; bright and lovely and in love, when he said, “I love you.”
Finally, Taehyung knew.