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Jimmy and Duncan had just been on an emergency visit to see their daughter, Cassie, in London. She ended up in hospital after becoming extremely ill and they had flown down on the first available flight. The good news: it wasn’t Covid. The bad news: it was a really severe case of food poisoning.
After she was released from hospital, they took Cassie back to her flat and doted on her for a couple of days until she got tired of their hovering.
Now they are heading back home, taking the overnight train to Aberdeen and then the ferry back to Shetland. Duncan insisted they return via this slower, more leisurely route as they needed a bit of a break after the last few stressful months during the pandemic.
Duncan had been putting in many long hours at the bistro, with curbside and home food deliveries keeping things quite busy. Not to mention the added stress of worrying about how to keep his employees safe and, of course, the sharp decline in bookings at his holiday lets.
Jimmy had also been run ragged during this stressful time. Having to deal with people who had lashed out in various harmful ways because of their frustrations with the “new norm” created by the pandemic crisis, had taken its toll.
*****
Jimmy and Duncan board the train and slowly make their way down the narrow passageway, looking for their cabin. Jimmy has a small rucksack slung over his shoulder and is also carrying a holdall. Duncan is pulling a rollaway behind him. They finally reach their destination and Jimmy unlocks the room.
Jimmy stops short just inside the doorway and Duncan bumps into him. Duncan looks up as Jimmy drops his bag and turns around with a look of exasperated irritation on his face.
“Wha’?” Duncan asks, not sure why Jimmy is looking at him like that.
“A double, Duncan? You booked us an en suite with one double bed?”
Duncan peers around Jimmy’s shoulder to look at the bed and shrugs his shoulders. “Well, the only other 2-person room available had bunks.” Duncan replies, incredulous that he has to defend himself to Jimmy, again . “I’m too old to be climbing into a top bunk, and I figured you wasnae gon’ tae be keen on tha’ either. Besides, I promise not to bite." Duncan winks teasingly at Jimmy.
Jimmy rolls his eyes at Duncan and sighs. “Okay.”
After putting away their luggage, Duncan and Jimmy head to the lounge car for an early dinner. They find an empty booth and sit down.
They talk about how well Cassie’s doing, all things considered. She’s all grown up now. She doesn’t need her dads hovering over her 24/7, even though she was really glad they came to her aid when she fell ill.
Too much wine turns their conversation into something teasing and flirty. There’s “accidental” hand touching during their meal together. Also, possible leg entanglement under such a small table.
Then, there’s a lull in the conversation and Jimmy has an inner monologue where he reflects on how Duncan fits into his life.
He comes to the realization that he wants – no he needs – Duncan to stay in his life; remain in his orbit. To be his . Duncan is more than just the ex-husband of Jimmy's late wife. More than just Cassie’s father. More than just a “co-parent”. More than just his housemate. – More than just a friend . – More.
Duncan is the last puzzle piece that he didn’t know was missing. Jimmy grasps Duncan’s hands across the table into both of his. Duncan looks at him, expectantly. Then, as he looks at Duncan, gazing into his eyes, searching, he says as much to him. Then amends it with, “I need you in my life.”
Duncan ducks his head and gives Jimmy a shy smile. “James, I am in your life.” he says matter-of-factly, emphasizing “am” with a squeeze and shake of Jimmy’s hands.
Jimmy’s eyes brim with happy tears as he smiles and looks away shyly. Then he pulls his hands away and clears his throat, trying to recover; not sure where to put his hands now.
*****
After dinner, Duncan walks behind Jimmy along the narrow passageway of the train car as they make their way back to their compartment. Jimmy can feel Duncan watching him so he turns his head to look back at him. Duncan blushes as it seems he’s been caught admiring the way Jimmy’s backside looks in his jeans. “What age are you?” Jimmy asks. There is more of a teasing quality to his voice from the last time he said this, Duncan recalls. Then Jimmy wiggles his bum and Duncan snickers. “Now who’s the juvenile?” he replies, and lightly swats Jimmy on his arse. Jimmy then reaches back to grasp Duncan’s wrist and tugs him along as they continue on their way.
They finally make it to the compartment and start to settle in. Jimmy sits on the edge of the bed and starts rummaging through his luggage, looking for the bottle of Glenfiddich he’d bought back in London, when he glances up and sees Duncan standing by the window.
Pausing from his search, Jimmy admires the view. Duncan, his arms up and out, has his hands resting against the frame of the window, steadying himself as he watches the scenery go by. The sun is low in the sky and the warm light is shining through Duncan's silvering hair like a halo. The musculature of his arms and shoulders, visible shadows through his shirt, sets something aflame in Jimmy.
Now abandoning his search, Jimmy stands and walks up behind Duncan. Then he reaches out and wraps his arms around Duncan's ribcage, leaning into Duncan in a backwards hug.
Duncan isn't startled or surprised by the sudden embrace. Jimmy is a very tactile person; always has been. Being that touch, in one form or another, is a regular occurrence with Jimmy, Duncan doesn't read anything into it, but enjoys it all the same. Because it's Jimmy.
Duncan brings his right arm down to rest on top of Jimmy’s and leans back into him. Jimmy rests his chin on Duncan's shoulder to watch the scenery with him.
Duncan feels good in his arms. Solid. Strong. Fitting perfectly into Jimmy’s frame.
"I wish Cass were here." Jimmy says. "She would have enjoyed this little trip."
"Aye." Duncan replies, ending it with a breathy sigh and closing his eyes. "That she would."
Jimmy takes in the scent of him. The smell of salt from the sea blending with his sweet, woodsy cologne.
"You smell nice." Jimmy says. He tilts his head and pivots on his chin so he’s facing Duncan’s profile. “Like home.”
"Mmmm." is all Jimmy gets in response.
Jimmy nuzzles Duncan's neck so he can take in more of his scent. Duncan leans his head slightly to the left, giving Jimmy better access. Then Duncan reaches back, caressing the side of Jimmy's head.
They stand like this for a few more moments, enjoying the closeness.
Eventually, Jimmy breaks off and steps away, clearing his throat, and resumes his search for the whisky.
Duncan, feeling the sudden absence and missing the warmth of Jimmy’s body, turns around to watch him.
“I bought you a wee present while we were in London.” Jimmy says while unzipping a pocket inside the luggage.
“Oh? When did you have time to do that?” Duncan asks, curious as to what it might be.
“I um … I picked it up when I went out to get the tea and medicine for Cass. Ah, here it is!” Jimmy pulls out a box and hands it to Duncan.
Duncan is surprised when he sees what it is. “Glenfiddich! My favourite! Ooh! The Grand Cru 23 year old! And a pair of black crystal glasses to match! A “wee present,” Jimmy? There’s nothin’ “wee” abou’ it! I bet this set ye back a wee bit, didn' i'? I donae wan’ to appear ungrateful or anythin', but ye ken I would'ae been just as happy with the 18, yeah? You didnae have to spend so much, Jimmy!"
"Aye, I know." Jimmy replies, nodding. "But the price doesnae bother me. It just caught my eye and I knew it would be the perfect gift. The glasses are just a bonus I decided to throw in. They were displayed with the bottle and it didnae feel right to break up the set. We can open it right now and have a dram … or two.” he says, giving him a playful wink, which causes Duncan's heart to skip a little.
“What did I do to deserve this anyway? It’s certainly not because it’s my birthday. That’s a few months off, yet.”
Jimmy looks at Duncan soberly and says, “Because you made Cassie.” His eyes are beginning to shine with tears again. “She’s 23 now; which is partly the reason I bought that particular bottle. And just a few days ago, I thought … I was so scared we might lose her, Duncan. I don’ … I don’ know what I would do withou' her. I don’ know what I’d do withou' you .” Now he can’t control the tears streaming down his face. “Both of you are my life!”
“Oh, Jimmy!” Duncan breathes. He quickly puts the package down on the side table and wraps Jimmy in a warm, tight hug. “I don’ know what I’d do withou' you either. Or Cass.”
They stand there, hugging each other, until Jimmy is able to compose himself and steps away, clearing his throat.
Duncan places his hands on Jimmy’s shoulders before he can pull away completely. “Ever since you two came back into my life, my world has been turned upside down. But it’s a good thing, Jimmy! I was living my life without a care in the world. But tha' was the problem. I didn’t care, Jimmy. Not about anything that mattered. Now I have something to care about. Some- one to care about.”
“Aye.” Jimmy nods, his voice a bit low and rough as an after effect from the surge of emotion he’d experienced just a moment ago. He gives Duncan a crooked smile, eyes still glistening. “How ‘bout that dram now, eh? I’m parched.”
“Okay.” Duncan says it softly, like Jimmy usually does. Then he reaches down to pick up the box. After pulling out the bottle, he hands the box to Jimmy who retrieves the glasses and sets them on the table.
Duncan opens the bottle and starts to pour their drinks. Then he asks Jimmy, “What you said … back in the dining car. What did you mean, exactly?” He picks up the glasses and turns toward Jimmy, handing him one. “ ‘You’re the puzzle piece I didnae even know was missing.’ is what you said.”
Duncan looks at Jimmy, his throat tightening as he gazes into his eyes. He daren’t breathe now, lest Jimmy not answer him. He suspects what Jimmy meant … hopes it’s what he thinks Jimmy meant, but he wants to be sure. To solidify it. Make it something tangible. He knows he’s an important part of Jimmy’s life now, but just how important?
Jimmy glances down at the floor, blushing. Then he takes a sip from his glass, collecting his thoughts as he savors the whisky. It’s a little sweet, tasting faintly of bread, wood, and fruit; maybe pear? Normally a bit sweet for his taste, but it reminds him of Duncan's scent, so it's perfect.
“I suppose what it means is that my world has been turned upside down, too. I was lost … adrift with no compass after Fran died. Cass was, too.” He takes another sip of the smooth whisky. “And, as you know, we came back to Shetland because I figured it would be good for Cass to get to know where she came from, to get to know her father … to get to know you .” Jimmy pauses to take another sip. “I had nae clue that such would be the case for me as well.”
Jimmy takes another sip as he contemplates what to say next. “I had this piece missing … inside me.” He waves the hand that’s holding the glass around as though it’s emphasising his words. “I tho' maybe it was because Fran died, leaving a hole tha' could never be filled again. But, as I’ve come to know you, raising Cassie with you, living with you, experiencing life with you, I’ve realized tha' you’re that piece, Duncan. You make me feel whole.” Jimmy takes one final sip of liquid courage and drains his glass. “I guess what I’m trying to say is … I want you, Duncan.” Duncan's eyes go wide as a small gasp escapes his lips. Jimmy holds his glass out toward Duncan with his index finger extended out over the top of it, pointing it at him. “ You . I need you.” Jimmy circles the glass in the air in a wide arc as if circling Duncan’s image with a pen. “All of you." Duncan swallows, his throat feeling tight, and breathes in slowly through his nose. "I want to be with you. I want you to be with me . I want us to be together … as something more than friends." He can’t quite bring himself to say, ‘… as a couple’ but lets the implication of it hang in the air between them.
Jimmy almost whispers the last part. “I love you, Duncan.”
Duncan is in such shock over hearing those words, that his knees buckle and he almost drops his glass. Somehow, he catches himself on the table next to him and barely has the presence of mind to set the glass down and keep it upright. He can’t believe what he just heard. He wants to believe it, though. Oh how badly he wants to believe it.
He rushes over to Jimmy and places his hands on each side of Jimmy’s head, just behind each ear and under his jaw. He gazes into Jimmy’s eyes. “Do you really mean that, Jimmy? That you love me?” Duncan's lower lip is now trembling.
“Yes.” Jimmy says, quietly. “I mean it. Every word of it.”
“Oh, how long I’ve been waiting … hoping … wanting to believe that something like this could be true. But how could someone like you, love someone like me? I have nae good track record when it comes to relationships. I mess things up, Jimmy! And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a man , Jimmy! How could you want to be with me? Be with me like … like that ?”
Jimmy looks at him and shrugs. “I guess, when it comes down to it, it doesnae matter who or what you are. Love is what it is. It has no boundaries." Then he adds, "Plus, I've always had a great appreciation for the male physique.” Jimmy blushes and smiles shyly as he surveys Duncan's physique from top to bottom and back up again, letting him know in a not-so-subtle way that, yes, he is attracted to Duncan in that way .
Duncan blushes and feels a warmth swelling in his chest. “I love you, too, ya numpty.” he says with a shaky breath as tears start blurring his vision. “So much.”
Duncan pulls Jimmy close and leans in to kiss him. It’s soft and tentative at first. But Jimmy returns the kiss with a hunger that surprises Duncan. Duncan parts his lips, inviting Jimmy in. He tastes of smooth, sweet whisky and tears. He runs his fingers through Jimmy’s hair at the nape of his neck and Jimmy moans, causing Duncan to explore the taste of Jimmy further with his tongue.
They slowly break the kiss, breathing heavily. Duncan then softly kisses Jimmy’s eyelids, tasting more of the salt that is Jimmy.
Afterwards he leans his forehead against Jimmy’s and softly says, “I never thought you would ever say something like that to me and mean it. Maybe as a friend, but not like this. I love you, James Perez. I love you and I don’ care who knows it.” Then he dives in for another kiss.
*****
Later, they are sitting on the bed, enjoying their second dram of the Glenfiddich 23. Well, Jimmy is sitting (-ish). Facing the window, his back is propped up in the corner with pillows. His right foot is planted on the mattress with the knee bent at a right angle, arm draped over it. His other leg is splayed out at an angle across the bed. Duncan is slouched in front of him, between Jimmy’s legs. His feet are crossed at the ankles, and his head is resting on Jimmy’s chest near his right shoulder. Duncan is resting his glass against his chest. Jimmy is holding his glass in his left hand, curled up into his shoulder.
Duncan takes a sip from his glass and brings it back down. “You know, I believe I fell in love with you the day I came over to ask if you could help my crane operator friend. You know, the one who found Robbie Morton? Or, at least, that’s the day I realized I was in love with you. As I got up to leave, you apologized to me for being a surly bastard. Then I said, ‘Ah, well …’ and I was about to say ‘that’s why I love you’ but something made me hold my tongue. When I turned to go, I thought to myself ‘what were you thinking , Duncan? Almost saying ‘I love you’ to Jimmy?’ As soon as I made it out the door, I had to steady myself against the wall for a bit before heading up the steps to the car.”
“I think Mary suspected soon after. We had a big row one night. She said I’d been behaving ‘differently’ lately; asked who I’d been havin’ an affair with. Asked who ‘she’ was.”
“I told her I had no idea what she was goin’ on abou’. Swore to her that I wasnae havin’ any affair. I told her I’d put that type o' nonsense behind me ages ago. That there was no ‘she’.”
“Then she just got this look on her face, like a lightbulb goin’ off, and suddenly she just knew . ‘Jimmy Perez.’ she said.”
“I told her that was crazy! Why would I be havin’ an affair with a man? And with you of all people! I told her you were just Cassie’s dad. And that since her mother was gone, and she is my biological daughter, we help raise her together. I told her Cass was the only reason we’re even friends.”
“Then Mary said, ‘Is it? Is Cass really the only reason?’ She said it so calmly, Jimmy. It was like she had no fight left in her.”
“That’s when I realized I’d been lying to myself about how I really felt about you.”
Duncan takes a sip of his whisky and heaves a sigh. “And then Mary kicked me out. She said I had to figure out what it was I wanted. Who it was I wanted. She was right, o’ course.”
“That’s the night I went to the station to ask if I could stay at your place for a while. I needed to see if my feelings for you were genuine or just a passing fancy. You had asked if I could stay in one a’ my holiday lets, and I could a’. But, I just used the excuse of needin’ them full because I figured stayin’ with you would help make figuring that out a lot easier.”
Duncan takes another sip of the whisky.
“So Mary knew before you did?” Jimmy asked.
“Aye. Apparently so.” Duncan replied.
“But wha’ about you reconciling with her a few days later? You were goin’ to ‘give it a bash’, you said.”
“Well, Cassie had come back to visit for a few days before she left for Brazil, and she’d be needin’ her room back; and you didnae seem interested, so I figured “decision made”. I thought I couldnae have you whether I felt anythin’ for ye or no’, so I decided to try and work things out wi’ Mary.”
“Oh, Duncan. I’m so sorry. I didnae ken.” Jimmy’s eyes start to mist up again.
For the next minute or so, they both just sip their whisky, feeling the slight sway of the train, and listening to the quiet rhythm of its wheels as they roll along the track.
Duncan takes a breath, breaking the silence, and looks up at Jimmy. “So … when did you discover I was “the one”? he asks with a teasing smirk.
“Och! Awa’ wit’ ye!” Jimmy chuckles and playfully shoves Duncan on the shoulder with his right hand. Duncan starts to get up, but Jimmy wraps his arm across Duncan's shoulders, pulling him back into place.
Jimmy starts to answer Duncan’s question with a solemn tone in his voice. “I’ve been in love with you for a while now, I think. I just didnae want to admit it to myself. I’m not sure when I realized it, exactly. It happened gradually over the years. I’d find myself thinking abou’ you … just out of the blue; with no apparent reason. Something would catch my eye and the sight of it would make me think of you for a brief moment. Or someone would say a certain word or phrase. Sometimes an expression would flit across Cassie’s face and it would remind me of you. But I think what really made me start to realize it is when you were planning to leave Shetland. To leave me .” Jimmy starts trembling, his eyes brimming with tears.
Duncan sits up and turns to face Jimmy. “Oh, Jimmy. Jimmy! No!” He cups Jimmy’s cheek with his free hand. “I didnae wan’ to leave Shetland! I didnae wan’ to leave you ! But I didnae ken what else to do! I was convinced I had no other choice! My life was falling apart, Jimmy! Mary left me. The bistro was going belly-up before it could even get started. And I thou’ I had no chance with you, Jimmy! That you could never love me. Not in that way. But then you swooped in and saved me, like a guardian angel. I figured at the very least, you may not love me, not like I’d want you to, but at least I could still have you in my life. I thought I could be happy with tha’. And I was.”
“But now … now all I could have ever hoped for has come true! The man I love, loves me back! And he wants me! All of me! I still don’t understand how that could be. You are the best thing that could ‘a ever happened to me. You and Cass. I don’t deserve either of you. I love you. I love you both. It’s ok, Jimmy. We’re together now. That’s all that matters.”
Then he leans in to give Jimmy a chaste kiss. Jimmy chases after his lips for more as Duncan pulls away. Duncan chuckles, then leans in for a quick kiss before relieving Jimmy of his glass. He gets up and places both of them on the table. Coming back to the bed, he crawls over to Jimmy teasingly. “Can’t have a proper snog with those in the way, eh?” Duncan teases.
Jimmy grabs onto the front of his shirt and says, “C’mere, you.” and pulls Duncan on top of him.
Their lips crash together. Jimmy, eager for the taste of Duncan, parts his lips and slides his tongue along Duncan’s upper lip. Duncan lets Jimmy in, their tongues intermingling, along with the sweet taste of the whisky. Jimmy grabs the back of Duncan’s head as if trying to pull him even closer, running his fingers through Duncan’s fine hair. Duncan moans. Jimmy's other hand reaches for Duncan’s arse, pulling him in close until he can feel Duncan’s arousal against his own. Jimmy wraps his leg around him to keep him there.
Duncan grabs the back of Jimmys head with one hand while reaching for his hip with the other, and starts rhythmically moving his hips up against Jimmy. Jimmy bucks up underneath him, wanting more. He reaches up to tug down on the waistband of Duncan’s jeans. “These are in the way.” he growls against Duncan’s lips. “I couldnae agree more” Duncan breathes, as he reaches for Jimmy’s zipper.
Duncan kisses Jimmy some more as he slides the zipper down and undoes the button. Then he lifts himself off Jimmy and onto his knees, tugging on the legs of Jimmy’s jeans and pulling them down past his knees. Jimmy kicks them off the rest of the way while Duncan hurriedly undoes his own jeans and pulls them down his thighs. Duncan then leans forward, placing his hands on either side of Jimmy’s shoulders. Then he lifts up his hips. “I’ll need some help with the rest.” he says, teasingly. Jimmy obliges by putting his foot on the waistband between Duncan’s legs and shoving his jeans all the way down to his ankles. As soon as Duncan pulls his feet out, Jimmy grabs him by the hips and draws Duncan down on top of him again.