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“Don't hide from me.” Seungwoo murmurs. “You're too good for that.”
The music thumps so loud, rattling down to his bones and he has to lean in to hear Seungsik’s words. He doesn’t mind really, he likes when they’re close. He enjoys the way he shies away from Seungwoo’s touch.
“Stop that.” Seungsik says but the blush on his cheeks is unmistakable. The redness at his ears speaks of his inexperience. “There’s so many people here. What will they think?”
“Who cares what they think? Just focus on me. I want you to be comfortable as Seungsik.” Seungwoo says, projecting his voice to be as firm as he can. “Give me the chance to see the real you. Please?’
Seungsik finally looks up, shyness and fear and attraction and excitement all shining through those brown eyes. It feels like the breath has been knocked out of him, as if he’s fallen into the ocean flat on his back. “I’m trying. I’ll try , okay? Happy?”
“Yes.” Seungwoo shrugs. “I’ll be even happier when I get that first kiss from you.”
Seungsik can't contain his smitten laugh, ducking his head low as he punches him playfully on the chest. Seungwoo hisses and he’s going to pretend to rub the spot but he thinks he’s more important to lift Seungsik’s chin up, to make him look up and at Seungwoo and not stare at the floor anymore like he has all night. “You’re so beautiful inside and out, y’know?”
And he knows Seungsik hates that he can't look away right now, but he keeps on. “I'll tell you that everyday if I have to. Until you realize what I’m saying is true.”
“I have no doubts that you would.” Seungsik says and Seungwoo laughs. Seungsik grabs his wrist. “It feels good. I can't help feeling... embarrassed but you’re helping me so much. And I know you don’t have to do any of it so thank you.”
His heart seizes up and he didn’t think love could run so deep, that he could feel it so richly. He didn’t expect in all his twenty years to feel so strongly for someone before but he’s so hopelessly in love. “Does this mean we can kiss now?”
Another smack to the chest and Seungsik pushes from his grasp but the air between them is still golden bright. He chases after Seungsik, makes a grab for his hand. Seungsik rolls his eyes as he’s caught but he’s smiling wide. “I told you. I want it to be right. A club like this isn’t romantic.”
“Romantic?” Seungwoo hums. “Where should we have it then?”
“We can’t plan it!” He says and he sounds so serious, he’s too naive to be here next to Seungwoo. “It has to just happen.”
“I’ll figure something out.” He says and Seungsik says he’s the absolute worst but he sticks to Seungwoo’s side all night. The two of them stay embraced to every song that plays, swaying and twisting slowly even when Toxic comes on. They share one illegal drink and Seungsik hates it but they still enjoy each other's company. They bask in the glow of a first love and they couldn’t be any higher on top of the world. For them, no one else exists and to him that’s the first sign that Seungsik is different. When they’re together he feels so overwhelmingly wonderful. It’s love like he hasn’t known before and he doesn’t want to ever let go.
Their first kiss ends up being on the 4th of July.
Seungwoo has managed to smuggle his way into Seungsik’s family barbecue and Seungsik is so absolutely giddy the entire night. How couldn’t he be after finding out that his family wouldn’t scorn him for who he was and whom he loved, but instead accept him with open arms and too many kisses. They’re not American but they celebrate all the same. Everyone on his block comes out in droves to light up the sky, his own family setting off impressive lines of fireworks.
They’ve held off to the back, letting the kids have their fun while the adults supervise. They hold hands as they watch the sky explode and that's when he knows it’s the perfect moment. He turns to look at Seungsik and realizes that he’s already watching Seungwoo.
Now it's his turn to be all coy.
“Are you gonna kiss me or not?” Seungsik asks and Seungwoo thinks anyone would be a fool not to.
He's so in love that it hurts and he just can't get enough of the sweet cider on Seungsik’s tongue, the absolute decadence that is Seungsik.
“Was that a good first kiss?” Seungwoo asks when they break apart and Seungsik laughs like how crystal dazzles in the sun and how snow falls on Christmas.
“It was my first kiss, idiot.” Seungsik says. “I don't have anything to compare it to.”
“It was my best.” Seungwoo admits and Seungsik’s playful smile turns gentle. “How can you just do that?”
“What am I doing?” He asks.
“I think to myself, there's no way I can fall any deeper in love with this guy.” Seungsik turns his back to the fireworks and he looks at Seungwoo like he’s the show. Like he hung all the stars in the sky so intricately and delicately and with all the patience in the world. Seungwoo would do it for him if only he asked. He’d do anything. “But every time I'm with you, I fall just a little bit more.”
He grins and he’s sure he looks so dopey, but his heart is dancing in his chest to know that it’s not just him feeling this way.
“I hope you know the things you feel for me.” He grabs Seungsik by the back of the neck and he doesn’t see that shy boy anymore. He sees a growing man with blossoming confidence and he couldn’t ask for anything more. “I feel a thousand times over for you. And it’s so cheesy but I mean it.”
He ducks his head again, the fireworks still booming all around them and when Seungsik looks up to meet Seungwoo’s gaze, his face tinted blue then green then purple pink, Seungwoo knows that this love is for life.
They break up, of course. It’s terrible.
They fell into everything so fast. Things between them were a swirling vortex of love and lust and adoration and stupid youth. It’s only fair that the universe throws in some jealousy and sadness and just a little bit of anger.
Seungsik will always say it was his fault they broke up. He’d be right but Seungwoo wouldn’t admit that.
“You let him kiss you?” Seungsik had hissed and if looks could kill he’d already be six feet under. Imaginary flames licked off of Seungsik with every bitter accusation and jabbed finger into his chest. “I fucken knew this would happen!”
“You knew what?!” Seungwoo almost screeches. “I swear I didn’t know he liked me.”
“Oh, sure.” Seungsik retorts. He crosses his arms over his chest and in an instant he goes from red hot anger to stony resignation. He sees that look from Seungsik more and more recently but he feels like trying to do anything about it is as useful as trying to hold water. “I could see how close you two were getting. You text all the time. You even started ditching me for him. You completely fed into his feelings, but you probably enjoyed the new attention, right?”
“Ditched you?” The accusations are tilting. “Today was the only time I did that! That new movie came out and we both know you don't even like action stuff.”
“Save it.” Seungsik says. “Just leave. I don’t want to talk anymore.”
“Fine.” Seungwoo can’t do this anyway. He doesn’t feel like fighting. “I’ll come back in the morning and we can discuss this like adults.”
“I don’t want to talk at all.” Seungsik tells him. “We should take a break.”
“Seungsik, what the hell! Are you really that mad? It was a stupid kiss!” And the bickering starts all over again and it’s worse the second time around. Seungwoo brings up the guy who he knows is interested in Seungsik to try and defend himself and it’s all so silly. “So what? You went out with Youn to get back at me? When I've never taken up any of Wyatt’s offers?? How mature of you!”
His voice cracks near the end of his sentence and he doesn’t miss how Seungsik’s eyes water. He never liked confrontation, not like this. He puts his back to Seungwoo, hunching in on himself and he’s so quiet that he almost misses what he says. “What a piece of work you are.”
Two years together and all he’s ever done is build Seungsik up, help him grow as a person. When Seungsik was still scared in the closet, Seungwoo was the one that helped him get out. He’s done so much and recently all he’s rewarded with is listless kisses and fighting.
“You know what?” Seungwoo feels coiled up, near his breaking point and ready to strike. The love between them has twisted up so ugly and broken that he wants to see the tears falling from Seungsik’s eyes. He should hurt as much as Seungwoo does. “A break sounds good because it felt genuinely nice to be with him. To be with someone who actually wants me! And at this point I wonder if you’re just too scared to venture out and look for another man. You won’t find one as good as me but at least you wouldn’t have to keep starting fights with me.”
“Is that what you think?” Seungsik’s expression is crestfallen when he turns and it feels good to see his words have cut deep. He takes a deep breath before he speaks; his voice is tight and his bottom lip wobbles and he shrugs. “I hope you can be happy with someone else then. Consider me out of your life.”
All Seungwoo can do is shake his head, fighting back the acid in his throat. The vindictiveness felt good but so fleeting. Now he just feels hollow. He turns and leaves, the door to Seungsik’s apartment clicking behind him as he heads down to his car. His footsteps pound against the pavement, echoing loudly in the desolate parking garage.
“Hey! Seungwoo! Great timing!” He looks towards the voice and spots Sejun waving jovially from across the lot. “We can all go up together!”
“What?” He asks, his voice shakier than he’d like. He wonders why they hell he’s there. Then Chan comes into view and Seungwoo’s stomach drops ten stories. He’s got a bright grin on his face and a small cake box in his hands. Then he notices the beers in Sejun’s hand and the small gift bag alongside it. Sejun waves it around excitedly as the two of them make their way towards him. “What did you get the birthday boy?”
Oh.
Oh. He’s messed up big, hasn’t he?
“We just broke up.” He doesn’t wait for them to respond, he doesn’t want to see their faces so he runs to his car feeling like the world’s biggest asshole. He’s very aware of the silence and it follows him all the way home.
It follows him for days and then months and he can only really blame himself.
Years go by and he's not surprised Seungsik doesn't reach out to him. They never message on facebook or say hi when they manage to run into each other. They live life like ships pass in the night.
He moves on. Tries to, anyway. It's not easy at first but the hurt lessens with every month that passes by.
They still move in the same orbits seeing as they share so many friends but they’re always just out of sight and it leaves a horrible aching hole of ‘what if’ in his heart. It gnaws at him viciously, even more so when he tries to meet someone new and he can’t feel that spark that he once did.
He’s resigned himself to just being alone for a while and that’s when it happens.
He’s being stupid and dumb and overworking himself and not sleeping and he goes out for a drive to clean his head but he nods off and the next thing he knows he’s floating back to consciousness to the sound of soft beeping and scratchy cotton against his skin.
Seungwoo’s eyes flutter open and there he is, in all of his ethereal glory.
He swallows and grimaces at the dryness of his throat, lips cracking painfully. Seungsik is up already, grabbing a cup from the bedside and handing it to him, avoiding his touch.
“Thank you.” He says after downing half the cup. “What are you doing here?”
“It would seem I’m your emergency contact.” Seungsik answers softly. “You never changed that?”
“No.” Seungwoo answers. That makes sense. More sense than Seungsik rushing here to watch over him out of love or anything other than obligation. It shouldn’t sting but it does. “No one else would come, anyway. You don’t have to stay.”
He’s neglected his relationships the past few years, but how could he think of maintaining them when he couldn't keep his most important one together? He can’t even remember the last time he initiated a call to his parents.
He takes in his surroundings in an attempt to swim away from the riptide of his thoughts.
There's flowers sitting near him, pale blues and soft whites and he takes his time staring at their pretty arrangement because the urge to look at Seungsik is so strong but he doesn’t know if it would be the smart thing to do.
He feels anxious, feet dangling over the edge of a cliff and he has so much to say but he has no right to say any of it. Not to this man, this stunning person that shines like the sun. Seungwoo takes the chance and finds that Seungsik radiates just as he always has. The baby fat is all gone from his face and he’s a little less scrawny, filling out his clothes in a way that has Seungwoo wondering what's underneath.
“I'm not going to just leave you, Seungwoo.” His voice breaks a bit and that shyness from their teens comes back as he ducks his face. Embers jump from the pits of his cold heart, warmth sparking up dangerously. “I still care about you… I always will.”
“I don't deserve it.”
“That's what everyone tells me.” It's mean to say and Seungwoo swallows the lump in his throat. “But I don't care about what other people think. You’re the one who told me not to, remember?”
Seungwoo closes his eyes against the wave of emotions, the pain of memories, the sweetness of his voice.
“You're right.” He nods. “Although I'm seriously judging you for listening to a fool like me.”
“It was solid life advice.” Seungsik chuckles, defending him. “I listened to everything you said. That’s how in love with you I am. Was .”
Seungsik freezes, as if he’s had a Freudian slip and Seungwoo pounces. He doesn't want to get his hopes up but he has to ask. It may be his last chance to have Seungsik alone in a room and acknowledging his existence.
“Do you still feel love for me?” He questions. “After everything? All this time?”
Seungsik looks away, his shoulders heaving.
“I never stopped loving you.” He says eventually. Then, as if for good measure he adds on, “Idiot.”
Seungwoo laughs and it reverberates down to his core. It doesn't feel like any of the smiles or laughs he’s had in the past years. It feels good.
It feels real.
Seungsik tells everyone that they’re strictly friends. That’s it! Nothing more.
But when it’s just them, it’s so much more. It’s those same tender kisses and painful gasps. He lets Seungwoo fold him into the mattress, enjoying it so much that he can’t even speak.
And Seungwoo doesn’t care what they call it or what anyone thinks about it.
He’s just glad he can hold Seungsik in his arms again like they’re both nineteen and twenty again. Except this time it’s better because they can make up for all those lost years in between. They fall asleep together as lovers at the ripe ages of twenty-eight and twenty-nine, respectively, and Seungwoo knows peace again.
Even if only it’s for a while.
“Can I tell you something?” Seungsik asks and Seungwoo can only nod. Fat tears form at his eyes and his head feels stuffed full of cotton. His bottom lip wobbles horribly and he has to bite his cheek to keep in the sob. Seungsik laughs at his reaction even though his eyes are just as wet. He swipes as Seungwoo’s tear soaked cheeks. “You’re the love of my life.”
“Don't do this.” Seungwoo begs. He can't even recognize his voice. His hands shake badly when he goes to take Seungsik’s hands in his own. “Don't say this to me now. I won't be able to let you go.”
“I’m not trying to be cruel, I swear. I just need you to know that for certain.” Seungsik smiles through his tears. “You might not remember this, it was years ago but when all we did was fight. You said that I probably never loved you and I was just so speechless, remember?”
Seungwoo hates himself. Hates the world. He wants to go back. He wants to take all the shitty fights and fierce words back and spend that time together like they should have. It hurts so badly.
He nods and Seungsik keeps going, rubbing his thumb back and forth along the backside of Seungwoo’s hand. “You thought it was because I didn’t really love you but it wasn’t that. I was just so completely speechless because you were the only one. You were and always will be the only one for me. The only man I ever loved.”
Seungsik consoles him as he sobs into the soft blanket his mother brought from home. It should be the other way around but he can’t take it. His heart feels so shattered and he cries and cries until there’s no more tears and even then he lays his head on Seungsik’s lap, enjoying the way his fingers comb through his hair like he’s always done.
“I want you to do something for me.” Seungsik says and Seungwoo nods. “Anything.”
“Go home and get some rest, please. You look like shit.” Seungwoo laughs despite himself at the words and Seungsik looks happy about it. “When you come back bring me some flowers, Pretty ones like I got you.”
“I’ll get the most expensive ones I can find.” Seungwoo declares and Seungsik beams and it’s so blindingly beautiful that you’d never know he had a limited amount of time left. Seungwoo leans in to hold him as best as he can, peppering him with kisses. “I love you so much. Always have, always will.”
An apprehensive look crosses Seungsik’s face but it’s gone as soon as it comes. “Be good, please. For me.”
“I’ll be on my best behavior.” Seungwoo says, lingering at the doorway. He takes in the soft curves of Seungsik’s mouth and the highness of his cheekbones and the sweet eyes that have held him in place for years, that have been in his dreams and stolen his heart. He knows there isn’t much time but he’ll spend as long as he can remembering every detail of Seungsik that he doesn’t already have committed to memory. He walks back over to give him one last kiss for the night. “For you.”
“You sap.” Seungsik scolds and he shrugs because he just can’t help it.
He does end up buying the most exorbitantly priced bouquet he can find. They’re an exotic mix of bright yellow and soft white flowers and he knows Seungsik will love them. He's smiling all the way to the hospital. He’s thinking of corny things to say that would make Seungsik blush and as he turns down the corridor and he sees Seungsik's mother crying in the doorway to his room. A doctor stands with her and his father listens along to whatever is being said so solemnly.
He freezes.
He can't walk forwards, can't find it in himself to walk back. He's stuck.
He stays stuck for years.
Seungsik is only twenty-nine when they put him under and he takes Seungwoo down with him.
“You can't be alone forever.” Seungyoun says, not unkindly.
“Not interested.” He has to literally put his tongue in cheek. He knows everyone has good intentions regarding him but the idea is just so ridiculous. That anyone could hold a candle to Seungsik is inconceivable to him.
Seungyoun has never been one to take an easy no. He elbows Seungwoo playfully as they take their drinks and step outside into the brisk autumn air. “I'll introduce you. Just meet them! Please?”
“Look. If it’s not him you’re planning to set me up with then don’t fucken bother!” It's the most emotion Youn has seen from him and he knows it's wrong to be mad so he reigns in his anger as best he can. He has to clench his jaw, willing his body to calm down so his muscles in his arms stop jumping to be used. “I don't want to meet anyone. Leave it alone.”
Seungyoun clears his throat awkwardly but he tries to keep the conversation light after that. Seungwoo answers shortly, sometimes with hums instead of words and he knows it’s unfair but at this point feeling mad feels better than feeling nothing.
He runs into Seungsik's mom out of the blue. It’s late into the evening and they catch each other’s eyes under the yellowing street lights.
“Mrs. Kang?” He questions. “Tell me that isn’t a cigarette in your hand.”
“I just needed one.” She looks bashful and those brown eyes look so painfully familiar that he has to look to the ground. She closes the gap between them, rubbing his arm before scolding him. “You’ve gotten so thin. What are you doing? I’ve got dinner on and there’s more than enough for you.”
“I couldn’t.” Seungwoo says. “Why are you even this far out from home?”
“I moved.” She answers simply. “The house… his father is still there but I couldn’t do it. Wanted somewhere fresh.”
“I’m sorry.” Is all he can muster. He lost a lover but she lost a baby. The hole in his chest frays just a little more around the edges. “I was just walking. Can’t be inside too long.”
He can see the pity in her eyes clear as day, same as he’s seen from everyone around him. But he can see the understanding too, and it soothes his soul just a bit. “He wouldn’t want you like this.”
What can he say after that? He lets himself be dragged back to her place, cutting through the alley into a small, well tucked away duplex. It’s not the same house he used to always visit but she’s managed to encapsulate the same warm energy that he always felt when he went there and he wants to run away so badly.
They step in through the kitchen and there's a strange boy sitting at the dining table, scribbling lead into paper as if his life depends on it. He scribbles and scribbles until his pencil stops and he’s looking up at Seungsik’s mom and then Seungwoo.
“Seungwoo, this is Subin. Subin, this is Seungwoo. You might get along well.”
They communicate through stilted questions and polite hums, eating the food put in front of them halfheartedly.
Turns out he was Seungsik’s self proclaimed mentee and he was folded into the family shortly thereafter. He wonders if that’s why he’s here. He never heard anything about a Subin but then again, he was out of Seungsik’s life for years and never got the chance to learn about everything during the time they made up.
He’s not sure why she thought he’d befriend this kid until he steals a glance at the mess of papers Subin seems to have discarded to the side.
They're all sketches of him.
He flips through the stack and each detailed pictures turns darker and harsher, until they’re spirals of black and it’s then when he realizes that Seungsik blasted a hole through more than just his life. He smiles a bit to himself, wanting to curse him for being so good at rooting himself so deeply into everyone's hearts. There’s a bittersweet taste at the back of his throat as he puts the first sketch back on top. His fingers trace over the paper, across Seungsik’s eyes. Almond shaped and drawn precisely, so soft and full of love. It’s so true to life and when Seungwoo looks up to Subin, he’s already being watched and it’s like he’s looking at a mirror.
They leave with full stomachs and he’s forced to take leftovers but he also stops Subin before he walks away, hesitantly asking for his number.
Talking to him is easy and for once Seungwoo doesn’t feel burdened. He doesn't have to lie about being okay all the time because Subin understands that it's not that easy.
They become each other's source of comfort and weeks later, after too many painful emotions are brought up they stupidly kiss but even then, Seungwoo already knows. He knew ten years ago when he and Seungsik first kissed that no one would compare.
He grabs them a six pack after awkward, hushed apologies and Subin speaks up. “He told me once, so long ago that he thought you were twin flames.”
“What's that?” Seungwoo asks, pulling a swig from the beers they're supposed to be sharing. Subin is still nursing his first and Seungwoo is just about to finish his third.
“Soulmates, basically.” Subin answers slowly. “He always talked about you back then even though he said you were so horribly infuriating. He went on tangents. It was so annoying.”
Subin laughs to himself and Seungwoo repeats him. “Annoying?”
“Yeah.” He says. “Annoying in that way people who’re in love always are.”
Seungwoo tempers down the sadness rising up.
“Twin flames.” He repeats more so to himself. He'll have to google it later if he can remember.
“You'll meet again.” Subin says and he sounds very sure. He's sitting across from Seungwoo but he's not really here, he can see from the glassy, distant look in his eyes. Seungwoo wonders what memory he could be re-visiting, what version of Seungsik must be there. He sounds sad but earnest when he speaks next, “Maybe when you two meet again, in whatever life, I'll be there too.”
He hopes so.
Maybe it’ll all be easier, the next time around. Maybe they’ll get to meet early and share all their years together, the happy and the sad. He’d happily take it all. It’s a nice, whimsical fantasy but he doesn't want to dwell on the ‘maybe’s’ too much. It won't do him any good.
The conversation dips off after that, both of them getting lost in memories, locked away in jewel boxes, wrapped in velvet and too precious to share.
He and Subin don't even have to speak about the ensuing silence or the choked off goodbyes later that night. They just know and that's why Subin, in his own way, will mean so much to him no matter what.
He does get older. Frailer. He’s lucky enough to keep his looks, not that it really matters.
He still feels lonely. Sad. Just as empty. It doesn’t get easier like people say, not for him. But he does try his best because he did make a promise to be good, so he tries .
There’s moments when it’s less noticeable but then he’ll turn to look at his side and when Seungsik isn’t there it hurts like molten lead going down his throat. Those are usually the times he thinks about calling Subin but he’s heard that he’s found somebody to take care of him, to help him heal and Seungwoo would feel too guilty trying to drag him back into the undercurrent of the past just to make himself feel better.
All he can do is wait. For as long as it takes because there’s simply no one else that could ever take that space, who could fill that place in his heart, who could make him more angry or hateful or so incredibly happy.
There isn’t anyone else like Seungsik, so he’ll just wait for the time when they can meet again and the hurt will be gone.
"Are those for me?"
Seungwoo spins on his heel and there he is watching with a playful smile and bright eyes.
His breath gets away from him.
He looks down to his hands and he's holding a bouquet of flowers, perfectly identical to the ones from the hospital. He could never forget them. He kept them on his kitchen table until they died and went stiff and even then they sat in a vase untouched.
His throat tightens painfully because it’s been so, so long and Seungwoo can’t stop the tidal wave of tears. It’s years of dreaming and sadness and yearning and all the love he’s ever held for Kang Seungsik finally running free.
“Of course.” He sniffles and advances immediately. He sobs into his shoulder. “I missed you so much.”
Seungsik hugs him tight, rubbing down his back so soothingly and it feels like finally coming home.