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There was once a tale of an emperor who’s love pined for years on end. He had neglected his lover in favour of his duties. Those years were spent in a tentative dance. Insecurity and patience, and a promise of a reunion that was sweet. During these years the two were forced to confront their own feelings, in order to keep their sanity.
Love was a sweet yet bitter sentiment.
In one breath, the same gaze that caused the heart to beat so powerfully against the sternum, sent contentment to every bone in the body could easily destroy you from the inside out.
Vibrations that make every nerve in the body sensitive, raw. A visceral reaction to something both beautiful and ugly. Wonderful but terrifying. Indeed love, and every emotion surrounding it was a complicated, difficult thing.
It was, in all regards, an emotion that lost rationality in its rawest form. It made some blind, some mad, others heartbroken for years on end.
It was giving someone or something else the power to change your life for better or for worse.
How contradictory. For love to be so complex, to be both selfish and selfless all at once. A tender thing that drove mankind rabid, desperate to find love of equal measure. The urge to possess, the urge to consume grows so deep that this isolated feeling becomes a state of mind. In contrast, was the love that was unconditional. The love that remained steadfast and true, regardless of circumstance.
Reliable love. Sustainable love. Patient love.
Katsuki wasn’t a patient person.
∞
Growing up, Katsuki Bakugou could only attempt to grasp the concept. He knew of love, familial love. The patient love, the reliable love. The kind that was steadfast and seemed to be abundant. The kind that seemed to last forever.
No matter how many times his mother screamed like a banshee, or how reserved his father could be he knew it existed. He knew he had been surrounded by it. He knew that somewhere deep within their hearts, they held him close to their hearts.
But at four years old with nothing but sparking hands, big dreams and heroes on his mind it wasn’t the biggest issue in the world.
At the time, it was just a fact of life.
Parents needed to love their kids because that was their job. Kids loved their parents because that was just the way it worked. It was the way the world was supposed to be.
Sometimes though, people were bad at those jobs. Some parents didn’t love their kids, or couldn’t show it enough. Katsuki had heard of that too.
One thing Katsuki did know was that the opposite of love wasn’t hate. Surprisingly. His mom had told him so. Love and hate were strong emotions that drove people crazy sometimes. The two emotions could blend together.
Katsuki didn’t fully understand this, but he accepted it. Katsuki loved All Might - his mother had said - so the opposite of love would be neglect. Would be feeling nothing at all.
Indifference.
He wondered how pathetic it was, to really not care about anything at all. It sounded sad, sounded bland. He pitied the poor suckers fixated on such a thing.
But in any case, love was duty. It was just there or it wasn’t, that’s what Katsuki believed. The ability to commit to something, or someone throughout your life. Duty and loyalty, that much Katsuki could understand.
….
Katsuki didn’t understand. When stupid Deku looks up at him with big concerned eyes he doesn’t get it all.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Katsuki demands, because really this is too much. Those big, round eyes fixated on him. It’s with pity, he’s sure of it, though he can’t give a single explanation as to why that may be.
Deku’s quirkless! If there is anyone who needs to be pitied it’s him. If there’s anyone who needs coddling it’s him. Deku needs the tender care of a newborn fawn, not him.
He’s Katsuki Bakugou. The guy with the strongest, coolest quirk around and the willpower to get there. He’s going to be a hero, like All Might. Better than All Might, even.
He’s the one that gets to live the dream. Deku’s the guy that gets nothing.
So what was he up to? Why did the kid that had nothing follow him around like a lost puppy? Why did he believe he could help Katsuki in any way?
Deku was supposed to be useless. Katsuki wasn’t visibly harmed anyway, so why was his overdramatic ass doing this? To make a point? To look down on him?
He wasn’t bleeding, wasn’t crying even if it did hurt. He slipped on a log in front of his entire friend group - and if that isn't embarrassing enough - Deku’s trying to show him up. Deku’s trying to play hero.
What is he up to? What does he want from him?
The answers are always in Deku’s eyes. For all his nerdiness and faults, Deku’s always been honest with him. Especially when it matters most.
There’s something completely earnest in his eyes, and it’s reminiscent of when Katsuki’s father helps dress the wounds from his quirk when it first made itself present. This quiet sense - this knowledge that for as amazing as any ability can be - the brighter the light the bigger the backlash. It’s a concerned look, a kind gaze. It speaks of unspeakable, unconditional -
Pity.
It’s like Deku cannot only see Katsuki, but see right through him. Like Deku knows that Katsuki isn’t as invincible and unaffected as he pretends to be. Despite how hard he’s tried to convince himself. It leaves Katsuki immensely vulnerable, makes him feel like he’s naked and all he can feel is shame. For being so weak in the first place, and to have the tiny hero worshiper Deku see it all.
It’s scary, being looked at like that. Having someone see you like that, like they know you better than you know yourself. It’s annoying. It’s a slap in the face.
When has Katsuki ever been weak? When has Katsuki ever asked for help? He doesn’t. He’s independent. His friends know it, his teachers know it, his parents know it. One day the whole world will know it.
But not Deku. Deku is a strange foregin being that exists in a universe that should otherwise make perfect sense. Quirklessness is so rare now, but out of all the people in the world it’s Deku that is powerless. It is Deku that is rare.
Once again, he proves to be an anomaly Katsuki cannot handle. The world operates in a familiar manner in his eyes. Those with strong quirks are worthy, those who are not fall behind.
Then there’s Deku.
It’s Deku who has courage ten times that of the extras that always watch the world pass them by. It’s always quirkless Deku that meddles in fights that others start. He has guts, Katsuki knows it and perhaps Katsuki pities him too.
A bleeding heart.
That’s what his mother said about him. Deku was a bleeding heart, running dry. He’d keep chasing after an impossible dream and one day, there would be nothing left to bleed.
“He loves so easily, that boy.” Katsuki’s mother had said. “Just like his mother. Waiting to grasp a dream forever out of reach.”
In reference to the missing father figure in Deku’s life. The man that had abandoned his family and run away abroad. No, the opposite of love was neglect. Was indifference, not hate.
Katsuki decided he’d try ignoring him.
(It didn’t work.)
∞
Katsuki’s dreams are made up of technicolour lights in plexiglass. Everything trapped between the spaces in between his brain and his heart are loud. Bright, vivid colours that span across space and disperse, across a smooth surface. The way light reflects off a prism and gives birth to the small rainbows along window panes.
There are many isolated events in his life that have made his heart sing. Sometimes it’s just a happy accident, or a random moment when time just flows smoothly. There is no doubt, no stress, no desire and ego or need to prove anything.
He can just be. He can be Katsuki Bakugou and that is all.
For some strange, inane reason all those moments contain Deku. Is it because a quirkless little kid who has his head in the clouds has no expectations? Is it because Deku looks at Katsuki like he hung not only the moon but every single star in the sky?
A lot of the kids in their neighborhood looked up to Bakugou. None of them looked him straight in the eye, deep into his heart and smiled as brilliantly as Deku did.
Or, well used to.
Katsuki has taken to not bothering with him unless necessary. They become estranged, and when the opportunity arises Katsuki shuts him down. Tries to remind him of his place in society. Of where he’s meant to be.
Deku, despite mooning over him - God knows why - doesn’t seem to give a shit about what Katsuki or anyone else says on the matter.
Deku says he’ll become a hero. And Katsuki believes him, because Deku doesn’t lie.
Not to Katsuki.
The very notion defies all logic - but in Katsuki’s mind Deku defied logic anyway. He would become a hero, somehow. And when the time came...Katsuki didn’t know what to do. Deku was still quirkless, still naive, still annoying.
Like this, thoughts of Deku plague him, again and again. He can’t ignore him. He feels too much, feels too deeply. He can’t even say he hates him either, because he doesn’t. All of these musings follow him, follow him in a state he is too vulnerable to fight against. When his subconsciousness stiffles and presses past any barriers Katsuki could put up.
He dreams.
∞
His dreams are surreal. So strange, so obviously unreal, but somehow there is longing there. There is freedom. He starts as a boy in a basket, drifting along a river. He’s too small to move on his own, to speak in words and not squeals.
So all Katsuki can do is look and admire. And he does.
This dreamscape is pleasant and content the way the world has not allowed Katsuki to feel in a long time. Always on edge, trying to find his own limits with his quirk. Staying in shape, making sure he’s first in class in every way. Academics and athletics, Katsuki Bakugou has to be the best at everything. That’s how he rolls.
Now - once again, he is allowed to just be. To just exist - and be content for it. To admire and take in the scenery. Katsuki Bakugou doesn’t remember the last time he’s done these things.
The sky is a crystal cerulean, dotted with wisps of white clouds. The leaves of the trees nearby come in greens of every shade. How he hated green, how he loved green. It came in pine, in pear, in parakeet and most strikingly in emerald. Green the colour of envy. Green the colour of growth.
How strange that envy could be nurtured. Something so ugly could thrive just as all living things could grow, could continue to thrive even when pulled apart.
Had to be snipped from the roots. Like weeds in a flower bed.
The sound of cicadas is a familiar tune, from a time long gone. Days spent running in the forest catching bugs. With a little green boy by his side, tripping over himself to keep pace with Katsuki.
It feels like a previous life.
It’s so warm, so humid. The sun is bright and oppressive, but Katsuki doesn’t have the strength or the body to get up from the basket. He can hear the gentle murmurs of the river, but that is the only indication Katsuki has of his surroundings.
Time passes, and the sky turns orange then purple.
Purple has always been too pretentious for him. There was something uppity about the colour, like it was fit for royals that knew no hardship. Fit for mythical and mystical beings that did not exist.
Orange though, Katsuki has always had a fondness for. The colour of bonfires, and sunsets. A warm, persistent glow. A reminder for potential destruction, but the promise of light anew. A fitting colour. The perfect one.
Then, Katsuki meets red.
It’s the colour of blood. It’s the colour of a still beating heart. The colour of stop signs and warnings. Danger, red meant danger. Everytime Katsuki looks in the mirror, into his own cruel eyes he’s reminded of this.
It’s a man’s eyes. His eyes are red, like a demon. His face has lost all colour, perhaps he’s dead. Katsuki should be scared.
He isn’t.
He looks familiar in the way all people in dreams do. Perhaps it’s just a random face of a man he’s met in the past. Or perhaps someone he will meet in the future. For now, Katsuki can’t put a name to the face.
“Oh, Katsuki. Everyone’s been looking for you. Your parents are waiting, young master. Let’s bring you home.” the stranger says, voice strangely gentle for a rough looking face.
His hair is black - like ink or a freshly paved road. His skin is pale almost sickly, and there's a sparse amount of facial hair on his face that leads Katsuki to believe this man is beyond tired. He looks like he hadn’t slept or bathed in ages.
Had this man had looked for him? How did he know his parents? Why did he care? Why was Katsuki in a basket drifting in the river?
Katsuki is still a baby, has no way of making his displeasure known. So he screams. He cries, and throws his puny fists around and is surprised to hear the tired man laugh.
“There is the Bakugou brat we know. For a second, I couldn’t recognize you. You looked too peaceful and sweet, I thought you were some other child.” he chuckles, as he gently rocks the basket back and forth. The motion is somehow more soothing than the giggles of river water and the warmth of the sun.
Katsuki notes that there is a white flower pressed into the man’s ear. From the soothing motions of his basket, Katsuki wonders if this man has a young child of his own. Perhaps a young girl, sweet and peaceful - like Katsuki can never be - who doesn’t let him leave home without a flower for good luck.
“It is finally safe for you, young master. You can go home now. You can finally rest.”
When Katsuki awakes the next morning, for some odd and inexplicable reason he’s in tears.
∞
His mother picks up gardening, and it makes no sense at all. She doesn’t have a green thumb.
It runs in their blood. They can obliterate any obstacle, but growing something is a task. It’s foreign and it takes effort to keep his sweaty palms from blowing things up.
To destroy is a simple task but creation is no easy feat.
Katsuki doesn’t understand why she even bothers, flowers are pretty but useless. What’s the purpose of that? Why waste so much effort when what you reap for it is of little substance and meaning?
Mitsuki Bakugou plants her white hydrangeas anyway. Well, she watches her husband plant them. Katsuki ends up watering them every day, even if he hates it.
He’ll find stray petals in his pockets some days.
∞
Deku lights a fire in him like no one else ever has. Ever will.
He’s going to U.A and Katsuki wants to do absolutely everything he can to stop him. He can’t be a hero, he’s quirkless. A quirk is the most basic requirement for heroes, so it really doesn’t matter what else Deku has. He can’t get in, won’t get in. It’s impossible to get into U.A without a quirk.
He tells him as such, but the words jump out of his mouth without much thought. It’s the heat of the moment, and the fire of absolute certainty is so strong, visceral. There’s been a burning ache in Katsuki’s lungs since the moment he’d fallen off that damn log.
There was only one person who could relieve it.
He can’t forget it, can’t forget Deku, can’t ignore him or neglect him the way he probably should. Can’t ignore the way Deku will always reach out for him.
Katsuki, for the life of him, can’t totally keep Deku away. So instead, when the nerd is within his range of fire he hits him full blast. Demands for him to give up on becoming a hero, demands he doesn’t get into U.A.
It’s no use. Deku doesn’t follow the natural order of things, even if he is aware of it. He does what he wants without thinking about the consequences and it drives Bakugou insane.
In a last ditch effort, he tells Deku to jump off a roof and hope for the best in the next life. He shouldn’t have said it, he went too far. He knew it the moment the words slipped off his tongue.
It was too late to take it back now. He felt like shit, now more than ever. He’s so angry, so blind and he loses all rationality with Deku. It's always been that way. It was clear to Katsuki that Deku was going to apply to U.A anyway. Deku wasn’t going to listen to him.
Deku never really listened to him.
He had completely wasted his time, said something that would probably get him expelled and Deku hadn’t changed his mind.
Honestly it didn’t matter. None of this matters. Middle school would be a forgotten part of his past. Deku didn’t give a fuck.
So why did Katsuki care so much? Goddamnit, why did he care at all?
∞
Today was officially the worst day of his life.
He told Deku to kill himself, got scolded by a bunch of extras for going too far. Got attacked by a villain and did nothing, got saved by Deku and All Might and ended up chasing after Deku.
He chased after Deku, not All Might and he didn’t have a real reason as to why. Deku saved him, the guy who’d basically told him to forget all his dreams and kill himself. The heroes praised Katsuki - the victim with the overpowered quirk - and scolded the saviour without one.
The world was fucked, and he was the most fucked up out of all of them.
He chases after Deku, and finds himself tearfully screaming at him. About how he hadn’t needed saving. That Deku should know his place.
The hardest part though, is knowing that Deku is just as irrational about him. That it isn’t one sided, that it goes both ways. Deku drives Katsuki insane, but Katsuki makes Deku reckless too.
Yet for some reason, Deku looks relieved. So different from the panic stricken middle schooler who ran into a villain to save his asshole classmate. He looked like the very foundation of his world would collapse. Even if he had said he ran because Katsuki looked like he was begging for help.
Katsuki had a feeling that he was right, this time.
And that pissed him off the most. Because he had been, though he hadn’t been thinking it consciously. And Deku could read him better than anybody.
He was more heroic back there, save for All Might. Even if realistically, Deku’s actions were stupid. That’s what was worse, because more often than not Deku wasn’t. He thought things through, had a tendency to overthink.
Now here he was, a quirkless runt running headfirst into danger. That would only spell trouble. Deku could’ve gotten hurt, because Katsuki had been too weak.
And as always, Deku was oblivious to it all. All he saw was ‘Kacchan in danger!’ and came in notebooks blazing to save Katsuki like he was some kind of damsel in distress.
Katsuki never wanted to be saved by him again.
Always looking out for him. Caring about Katsuki even now. It was called something, this kind of patience and understanding. Off rationality alone, nobody would treat Katsuki like that after all he had done to the dumb nerd. Unless, there was something else there. An inexplicable fondness. Something sweet and kind, and unwavering.
Katsuki pours a little too much water on the hydrangeas that night. Counting the petals, trying to make sense of why the colour seemed off. It had always been white. Today, the tips of the petals seemed to be changing. A faint, slight hint of blue.
∞
That strange dream he had seems to have a sequel.
This time he realizes it’s the hero Eraserhead that somehow found its way into his stream of subconscious thoughts. He had no clue how, and the only reason he understood now was because he was Katsuki’s homeroom teacher at U.A.
He looks different here. His hair held in the traditional chonmage, dressed from head to toe as a warrior. He looked important. He looked strong. Katsuki could respect that.
This time, Katsuki is older. Approximately the same age he is in the waking world..
Aizawa stares at him tiredly, like he’s absolutely done with Katsuki’s bullshit. He probably is. He usually is.
“You need to go to Chiyo’s apothecary, Katsuki. You are injured, and pretending you aren’t only weakens you further. The faster you get the help you need, the stronger you will become. Trust me on that.” the man scolded, as Katsuki sets down the blade he’d been fiddling with.
Katsuki respected the man. He truly did, and a direct request could not be met with a no.
“Fine, whatever.” Katsuki groans, flexing his fingers, the scarring along his forearm unconcerning under his gaze. Red, so red a warning. Stay away.
He gets up, ready to leave this place, tired and broken.
“And one more thing, young master. Midoriya awaits you there. You must apologize at once, he’s been worried sick.” Aizawa explains, levelling a hard gaze at Katsuki.
He can’t help but snort. Him? Apologize to Deku, for worrying him? The idiot overthinks everything, his dramatic ass always did. Which was both ironic and annoying, considering how often he injured himself.
A reckless idiot in every way. Why should he apologize?
“I’ll show up. Apologies are meaningless if you don’t regret what you’ve done.” Katsuki notes, turning on his heel just about ready to leave the room.
“No. The apology is for something a little more serious. Wouldn’t you agree, Katsuki?” Aizawa asks gently, but Katsuki pretends he doesn’t hear it.
He didn’t even know how he’d start apologizing for that. What a mess.
He finds himself seated at the apothecary before he even realizes it, Chiyo running around him fretting like an overly concerned mother hen. It’s a familiar sight, and Katsuki doesn’t argue with the woman much. She knows what she’s doing.
There are various salves across the shelves, in neatly ordered containers. There are exact measurements, many plants to memorize and file away. Katsuki for the life of him would never be able to do this job.
Chiyo presses a kiss to his cheek, and Katsuki accepts this with minimal protest.
“He’s been waiting for you out back. He’s been waiting a long time now.” the old woman tells him, eyes looking sad.
He really doesn’t want to look at anymore pitying eyes. He can’t stand it. He doesn’t want it, doesn’t need it. It never helps, pity.
What good was a useless emotion that never drove you forward, but held you back? Love, pity, sadness. A waste these emotions were. A waste of energy, and a waste of time.
And right now, Katsuki was seriously running out of time.
He finds Deku much different from the one in the waking world. For starters the scars are different, no doubt caused by a different kind of battle.
His body is more or less the same, but the attire is not. Deku is a warrior like Aizawa too. His eyes are just as burdened, his stance is equally as confident. His entire aura seems more melancholic that evening.
“The moon is beautiful tonight.” Deku starts, staring at the garden before them. Chiyo planted all kinds of things to pick them fresh. Deku never went to the fruit, insteading orbiting the flowerbeds.
The useless, dumb little things.
“It’s the same moon every night.” Katsuki points out, completely unimpressed. He’s heard Deku say this a thousand times before.
Deku smiles but it’s not the pretty one. Not the one that lights up his otherwise rather average looking face. His eyes were nice, his freckles cute. But it was the bright, searing smile - not unlike the crescent moon - that Katsuki could not erase from his memories.
No this one is slightly saddened. Katsuki doesn’t remember when he first started smiling like that, but he hates it.
“Maybe you’re right. But there are phases, right? Waxing and waning gibbous and crescent. The full moon. In every state the moon is beautiful.” Deku says, like it means something important.
Katsuki wonders what this could possibly mean. It felt like some secret code.
“And? What about the nights you can’t see the moon?” Katsuki asks, just to make conversation. In the waking world, they’d never speak like this. It’s confusing. Wasn’t he meant to be apologizing? Why were they talking about this?
Deku sends him a sharp smile then, one that makes his toes curl and his hairs stand on end. It’s new, but it’s a good look on him.
“It’s still there. It doesn’t really disappear so I never worry. It’s a nice thing, y’know. No matter where you go, you can always find the moon. It’s reassuring.” he tells him, though Katsuki can’t shake the feeling he’s missing something.
“You’re the exact type of airhead that talks about dumb things like the moon and flowers. You should stop wasting your time and focus on training.” Katsuki groans, fed up with Deku’s stupid game.
Deku’s grin dims, but doesn’t quite leave his face. Instead a more contemplative emotion seems to pass through him.
“What are you training for Katsuki? What is it you aim to do? Why is victory so important?” Deku asks seriously, as if he isn’t to be the emperor in due time. Like he isn’t being trained to instill those answers to all those he leads. Chosen by Toshinori Yagi himself.
“To keep our nation safe. To protect our people. What else?” the shogun - Katsuki - demands, huffing in irritation. In this life, and the waking one Katsuki was meant to fight. To protect, to save and to win. There was nothing more to it. Deku loves his flowers, and his silks and the fucking moon.
He hadn’t realized that Toshinori did too. Didn’t understand why it even mattered, but apparently it did.
There were still many things Katsuki needed to learn. This much he knew. If Toshinori deemed Deku worthy, he was.
Deku smiles, big and bright. There’s a twinkle there - of mirth and a hint of something purer, something unsullied by the horrors they had endured. Would continue to endure as the upcoming leaders of their nation.
“We want to keep our people safe, and give them the most we can. That’s why we fight to win, fight to save. That’s what Toshinori-sama wanted for us. For the nation.” Deku tells him quietly.
Katsuki looks at him again, trying to understand the words Deku isn’t saying but he’s never been the best at listening.
“It is our duty.” Katsuki says - as he always does - because truly that is all he knows.
“It is what is right.” Deku says instead. The statements aren’t contradictory, but somehow Deku’s tone seems to imply that it is.
There is a pause, a moment of quiet introspection. Side by side, as they stare at the moonlit garden.
“Why did you call me here?” Katsuki finally demands, impatient about this entire ordeal. They’ve been talking in circles for what feels like forever, but that isn’t the issue.
Katsuki feels like he’s out of the loop, and that bothers him most.
“Kacchan, in the coming years we will be busier than ever. We are meant to take on our responsibilities side by side. I do not entrust you to the military because you are shogun, but are shogun because I entrust you to the military. Do you understand what I am saying?” Deku asks softly, his voice so gentle it could be carried away with the breeze.
“Yes?” Katsuki thinks, but doesn’t really know.
Deku laughs, brilliant and larger than life. He looks good like this, Katsuki thinks.
Then, unexpectedly Deku takes his hands and squeezes them.
“Flowers, the moon, pretty words. They may seem like a lot, but they are not meaningless. They give us as much meaning as we give them. Your perception shapes its importance. When I look at a sunflower it means loyalty, longevity. It reminds me of hope and warmth. That becomes precious to me. When I look at the moon, I remember that even in the night there is light to guide us, should we look for it. These things are precious because of the way our hearts connect with it. When I look at you Katsuki Bakugou - the shogun - I see our Symbol of Victory. When I look at Kacchan, my childhood friend, I know that you are the one I wake up for. Every name, every phase, every word has its importance. It’s how much value you place in them that changes.” Deku promises, and Katsuki can’t quite swallow past the lump in his throat.
His heart is pounding. What the fuck is going on?
“So, what? You saying, you’re in love with me or something?” Katsuki demands, heart racing. His tone is sarcastic, almost indifferent but he is anything but. Everything in this dream is surreal, including his relationship with Deku.
“Or something.” Deku replies, almost bitterly. “For me to say something like now, at this time would be selfish. It would kill you in an instant. It isn’t a secret to anyone that we’ve been close for a number of years. But if I was selfish enough to declare such a thing, at this moment, only tragedy awaits. Our positions, this situation. This climate does not allow us such reprieve. The coming months are cold and dead, Kacchan.”
Katsuki doesn’t know how to feel. Numb. Happy? This is the first time any kind of romance had ever made itself present in his life. That there was ever hope that he could be cherished outside of the duty-bound confines of family.
He had been of the belief he’d die alone at this point. But pretty words from a pretty face spell danger too.
“Why bring it up now then? Why tell me how you feel, without saying the real words, if it’s so bad? Are you ashamed of me? Or is it my reputation? Your position? I’ll have you know that birthing an heir is not necessary so long as -” Katsuki demands, and then Deku is hugging him.
Holding him.
When was...the last time he had been held like this? He didn’t remember. His mother hadn’t needed to hug him in many years, and his father was reserved. No other person would dare touch him or hold him like that, other than…
It was only ever going to be Deku for him. He was sure of it now.
Deku holds him, his warmth seeping through his skin.
“You know that the world is too small for people like us. It has been for awhile, and in this lifetime we may never be able to declare ourselves with much celebration and pomp. Still, I wish to say those words to you when the time is right. When the war is won, and those words can be home and not a shackle.” Deku explains, gently brushing the hair at the nape of his neck as they pull away.
“There are many already looking closely at us. They are waiting to strike, and I don’t want to give them more of an edge. When we leave this place, we won’t spend much time together. Perhaps for years. I’m doing this in hope it will spare you, but I wanted to let you know why it was necessary before it happened. I will never mean to distance myself from you to bring you pain.” he continues as Katsuki stares at the stars.
To be loved, was a blessing. To be loved by a guy like him was quite another. To never taste those words, was the most unfair of all.
But, Katsuki believes him, because Deku doesn’t lie.
Not to him. But, Katsuki is starving for his affection now that he knows it's real. Not his own projection. At least, in this world. So he wants to be greedy, to be selfish even if this was only a dream. So he asks for more.
“You said all that bullshit about how trivial shit can be meaningful if we look for it. You have so many words, you silver tongued bastard. Don’t tell me you don’t know any now. If what you're saying is true, and you can’t show me yet, speak it to existence. Let your beloved flowers, and moon and stars here your truth. Tell me, if I’m so important. Prove to me this is real.” Katsuki says, but it almost sounds like a plea even to his own ears.
Perhaps he’s asking for too much, even in this dream.
Deku looks at him seriously. More solemn than Katsuki’s ever seen him before. He places Katsuki’s hand on his wrist, and Katsuki can feel his rapid pulse.
“This heart that beats, it is for you alone. My loyalty, and ninjo, is all yours. To me you are the person I cherish beyond all else, and it is your image I keep in my heart in times of great peril. The very thought of your death, your suffering, your troubles are too heavy for me to bear. Since all that pain is mine too, if you will allow me to relieve you of them. If for any reason, you cease to exist in this world I would relieve myself from the burden of living, myself. I exist in tandem with you, or I will not exist at all. My world is yours. My heart is yours. My life is yours.” Deku declares, and Katsuki is shocked into silence.
The next emperor could say such morbid words with such a pleasant tone. Like it was but another fact of life. To think he could declare such things but not say those three words he needed to hear. He longed to hear.
“Katsuki.”
He stopped breathing all together.
“Katsuki, I adore you.” he says, pressing their noses together. As close as he will allow them to be for just a moment. These words are close enough.
Katsuki knows anyway. He’s known for a while now, what exactly they are to each other.
Katsuki had suspected it, for a long time. You had to be willfully blind not to acknowledge it, but hearing the words took his breath away.
“Say it again, Deku. Use the prettiest words you know.” Katsuki demands, unbelieving.
“The moon looks beautiful tonight.” Deku whispers not unkindly as he untangles himself from Katsuki’s embrace.
Katsuki sucks in a gasp. “The moon looks beautiful tonight.”
There in the moonlight is a familiar blue flower teasing him. Mocking him. Something he must wait for. Something he must pine for. Always within reach, something he can’t quite grasp.
∞
Katsuki is disappointed to discover his sexuality in a dramatic soap opera-esque vision instead of a wet dream like he had anticipated.
Deku always did have the habit of surprising him.
The hydrangeas are shifting colours and it reminds Katsuki of everything he can’t yet have.
∞
When the hydrangeas finally turn blue Katsuki is in no state of mind to admire. He was fresh out of the League of Villains lair. He’s tired and wants to go home, but they can’t leave just yet.
Once again, like some knight and shining armour Deku saves the day. Katsuki’s gotten sick of it already. Even worse, Deku was considerate enough to realize Katsuki wasn’t in the mood to owe him another one and had planned to have Kirishima take it instead.
Deku knew him so well. Too well. He had thought it through, this time. He had thought it through but his face was still desperate and heartbreaking.
Everything was so vivid in his mind. All this time, he had seen Deku as selfless, giving but never asking. Never demanding, just a quiet blanket of serenity. It felt so much purer than how Katsuki felt, all twisted and possessive. A complex ugly hellfire compared to the heavenly rays of the sun.
Then he heard Deku scream for him. Demand for him, ache for him and Katsuki knew they were the same. Cut from the same cloth given up to something bigger than themselves. His soft worry and concern was spiraling. Turning into something feral, something obsessive.
He was all torn up, and still chasing after Katsuki.
Then, there was no time to analyze it. They were screaming at villains pushing past them, and then screaming at All Might. Praying they could keep their Symbol of Peace.
And then Deku cried. Which in of itself, wasn’t much of a strange phenomenon but Katsuki knew him better than that. Could differentiate it based on breathing pattern, the look in his eyes, the lines by his mouth.
When All Might says the words “You are next.” Deku does not look relieved in the slightest. He sobs, fully bodied. Like his soul is trying to drain itself out through his eyes. It’s painful to watch, and with startingly clarity Katsuki understands.
Deku and Kacchan become burdened with legacy, with responsibility beyond their years just like the ones from his technicolour dreams. He kind of hates it.
∞
“How the fuck did you turn blue?” Katsuki asks the now blue hydrangeas, like it’ll answer him.
Instead his mother flicks him on the forehead, clicking her tongue disapprovingly. He’s about the same height, if not taller than her. They look the same, spoke the same, and acted the same.
He was spitting the spitting image of Mitsuki Bakugou, many would say.
They also liked the same things, apparently. Cooking, loud music, hopeless nerds and trying their very best not to kill plants.
“If you would just listen to me, you would know that the change in colour is dependent on the acidity of the soil. I’m using ground lime to raise the pH slowly, it’ll be purple next.” his mother chides, hands full of groceries as she moves to the front door.
Katsuki frowns. “Why are you doing this? It’s the same damn flower, isn’t it? Why spend so much time looking for every damn colour?”
His mother rolls her eyes.
“Every shade is special Katsuki. You should learn to appreciate these kinds of things, take the time to smell the roses.” his mother grins, patting him on the back as she passes by.
“Roses are overrated.” Katsuki huffs, as he moves to finally water the damn plant.
∞
The colour blue. It was supposed to mean all kinds of things related to relaxation. Serenity, and peace. It’s the colour of the sky, the colour of water and the colour of ice. It’s cool, relieving and soothes a fiery soul like nothing else.
Blue is the colour of the ocean. The colour of All Might’s eyes. They looked frigid, and apologetic with those blue eyes. They were sunken, exhausted beyond measure. Katsuki drove him to that. Katsuki was so, so weak that he ended the reign of the Symbol of Peace.
He hoped he’d spend the rest of his life repenting for that.
He was drowning.
Drowning.
In his own tears and frustration. Blue of frigid ice, that locks his feet in place. The frigid icy glare of Todoroki’s face. The insufferable kind. He deserves this though. He knows he does.
And once again, it’s Deku that reassures him. Grounds him. Keeps him from sinking.
Deku and his goddamned bleeding heart.
They fight and Katsuki feels the most vulnerable he’s ever felt. The most relieved he’s ever felt. He’s connected to him better than anyone else. This was the only guy in the entire world who knew how he felt, could understand it, could understand him.
They fight, and Katsuki wins. It’s frustrating, but the fight is meaningless in all ways but one.
In his dreams, Deku told him that everything had meaning depending on their own perception. How much value was placed on it by the person themselves.
This fight is the beginning. The blue hydrangeas. An apology. Please accept this, though I am undeserving.
I accept you.
Some words don’t need to be said.
There was so much that still didn’t make sense. Deku’s absolute trust in him. His quirk and the way it functioned. But, when they’re together it doesn’t matter. Katsuki knows this for sure. They are unstoppable, and All Might says as much.
Winning and saving.
Saving and winning.
If All Might himself believed it, who is he to deny him?
He’s part of a world that Deku should’ve barred him from. Instead he was invited, as if he belonged there by his side to begin with. A world he hadn’t even shown his mother and Katsuki had the privilege to be a part of it.
Did he deserve it?
(Did it matter anymore? Deku was giving it to him regardless. And Katsuki was never one to run away from an opportunity that presented itself.)
∞
In the next dream, Katsuki gets a bouquet of blue hydrangeas and he almost wants to laugh.
He doesn’t.
Katsuki knows this, an apology and reiteration of his confession all in one swoop. He remembers very clearly the moonlit flowers teasing him. The words that fell from Deku’s lips. He cherishes it all, though Katsuki will never admit it.
He instead takes it with grace, as he’s finally given a private moment with both the most important and most annoying person in his life.
Deku’s a mess of emotions as he presents the flowers, stuttering and fumbling as if he hadn’t once declared his loyalty to Katsuki with his life.
Katsuki rolls his eyes, accepts the flowers and even goes as far to place them in a vase.
Ground lime, ground lime.
That night, Katsuki spends drawing out every shade of red Deku can muster. He wants to see it, wants to appreciate and admire it all.
The war in this life is over, and there are casualties. The winter was harsh, and the snow had been dyed a sickening red one too many times. He hated the way it looked. It was so mesmerizing but frightening. Death and life. Love lost and found.
It seems like no matter the lifetime, Deku and Kacchan endure hardships together.
Winter melts into spring, and Katsuki gets to walk Deku’s private gardens by his side as a shogun. And at night, he lays with him as Kacchan.
It’s more than enough.
“What flower is your favourite, my lord? I hear you are fond of them. We can arrange a variety of what you wish. Say the word and it is yous.” a nobleman asks, as they prepare for Deku’s enthronement.
These proceedings are followed after Toshinori’s funeral. Deku is tired, haggard. The last flower arrangements he had considered were for his mentor. Blood red camellias and spider lilies. White chrysanthemums.
Deku had cried so hard, even though they had all known the time had come soon. Yagi Toshinori’s illnesses had caught up to him, but that didn’t make it any less painful.
For, Deku especially. The man had been like a father. It broke Deku's heart even if he knew it was coming. Deku was vulnerable, and tender. A bleeding heart, left weak spots all over. Love lost was the only thing more terrible than love spurned. Only Katsuki gets to see the full depth of Deku’s pain. Only Katsuki gets that privilege.
And in return for allowing him to see that vulnerability, Katsuki would protect him.
Deku smiles, though it is brittle. He’s aged far too fast in the last few months. Katsuki wished there was more he could do for him. Truly.
“I do not favour one life form over another. Each is special, unique on its own. Whatever is most convenient is fine by me.” Deku says vaguely before finding an excuse to leave the room.
The nobleman turns to Katsuki face contemplative.
“It is said that you are Midoriya-sama’s greatest confidant, as his childhood friend. What are your thoughts?” he asks, as Katsuki’s eyes follow Deku’s retreating back.
Katsuki hums. He had never loved flowers all that much.
But, Deku did. He loved them, so purely so unabashedly it would be shameful to have someone half-ass arrangements like that when it meant so much to him.
“Purple aijasai, ume and fuji..” Katsuki replies, after a moment of contemplation.
Nobility, elegance and loyalty. All good things for rulers, and Deku would make a fine one. Katsuki was sure of it.
∞
It seems that their mutual responsibilities have made them stronger. Closer. Smarter. In every life.
Katsuki and Izuku.
Kacchan and Deku.
∞
Katsuki and Deku were the closest they’ve ever been.
The dorm system had forced them to be in each other’s space.
The fight at Ground Beta forged something unbreakable. Something solid.
They were a unit. They worked together, and even when they worked apart there was a silent understanding that they were aware of each other more than ever before.
Sero called them the house arrest boys.
Aizawa-sensei called them problem children.
All Might called them Wonder Duo.
As rose by any other name is just as sweet. And their relationship right now was the sweetest thing Katsuki could ever imagine. How many people got trained under their childhood idol with their childhood best friend? Not many.
Katsuki appreciated it. More than words could say.
They meet up with him in secret. To train, to discuss Deku’s rapidly developing quirk. It’s insane how quickly and fluidly things have changed.
Katsuki’s excited now. For the future. For their future. There were many pressing things coming their way. The League of Villains, the rise of Shigaraki and All for One. There were so many things left to do, so many obstacles to overcome.
∞
The final installment of this dream appears before him. The technicolour light through plexiglass is so familiar but it’s filled with melancholy. It seems so strange to be
Katsuki’s back in the river, this time as a full grown man.
He’s just floating on his back, the water soaking through his clothes. It’s cool and calming under the warmer spring sky. It’s a time of growth, for all living things. As if the world is ready to cleanse all the decay it had left in the wake of war.
There is baby soft material tickling his cheeks. Flower petals.
Katsuki brushes his fingers against his cheek, searches for the petals brushing his face.
They are familiar, these petals. He’s held something quite similar to this before. They smell like something he knows. He can’t put his finger on.
“Bakugou-san!” a slightly shrill voice calls.
Katsuki sits up right. The little girl tugs the hand of the shier little boy behind her. They’re both holding baskets filled to the brim with various flowers. But the most in number is the bright pink almost red hydrangeas that were grown in this area.
“Mahoro, what are you two doing here? I told you to stay away from the river!” Katsuki scolds, though not as harshly as he used to. The siblings have grown on him.
Deku’s adopted kids. They were beloved by the nation, and even more loved by Katsuki.
They had found the two in the mess of the war. Deku had taken them in, despite being orphans of the enemy. Deku hadn’t cared a bit.
Katsuki hadn’t agreed at first, not ready for children. Not ready to provide unconditional love and support when he was the worst at expressing it.
Now looking at these kids with baskets full of flowers, Katsuki couldn’t help but adore them.
“Where’s Deku anyway? He was supposed to be with you guys, wasn’t he?” Katsuki demands as the two run up to him. Mahoro’s got flowers woven in her - Deku’s doing no doubt - and Katsuma was fumbling with what appeared to be a flower crown himself.
“Oh, that’s why we came here! Midoriya-san said he saw a flower he wanted to show you. He said you’d like it very much.” Mahoro explains, stretching her hand out for Katsuki to take.
The moment gives him deja vu, but he takes the hand without second thought.
“Deku-san you’d like it more than the aijsai!” Katsuma grins sweetly. The boy used to be so shy, especially compared to his sister. It was nice seeing him so comfortable.
“I don’t like flowers.” Katsuki grumbles, shaking his hair not unlike a dog. It wasn’t a lie. He’d water them if necessary, he could appreciate them and their many meanings but he didn’t care for them on their own.
“That sounds like a blatant lie.” a familiar voice calls. It’s Deku, he’s dressed casually today. He’s smiling with such a carefree expression, the crow’s feet by his eyes deepens. His cheeks dimpled. There’s nothing to rush into, nowhere for them to be but by each other's sides.
Just getting to exist in the space as him was enough. They loved each other, without a doubt. He could tell just by Deku’s gaze, and he was sure Deku could see it in his too.
“You’ll really like these, Bakugou-san! They’re very pretty. Deku-san says they’re called -” Katsuma informs but Deku nudges him gently, putting a secretive finger to his lips.
Katsuma rushes to close his mouth as Mahoro flicks him in the forehead.
“It’s supposed to be a surprise, Katsuma! Jeez, you’re so bad with secrets.” Mahoro huffs, pulling her little brother by the wrist and walking back into the thickets of the forest.
Katsuki raises an eyebrow, but Deku only smiles up at him prettily. He intertwines their hands together, following the kids’ lead in silence.
The singing of the birds, the humming of the cicadas. It feels like the world is so familiar but shifting constantly.
Some things change. Like how Katsuki’s a little too used to having Deku’s hand in his. How Deku occasionally calls him Katsuki now. How Katsuki had memorized the place overy freckle and scar along Deku’s body.
“This is it, Katsuki. This is my bleeding heart.” Deku announces, smiling warmly. These flowers were strange, like nothing he’d ever seen before. Hearts blooming along branches, dripping a soft pink and red. They truly did look like drooping little bleeding hearts.
Katsuki used to hate red. Used to scoff at flowers.
They were stunning. Hypnotizing. Katsuki couldn’t pretend they weren’t.
He didn’t like many flowers either. Even the hydrangeas seemed important because it felt like a personal reflection. It felt like duty.
This felt like - opening yourself up - completely. Leaving yourself vulnerable to a person so wholly. It was scary, a little frightening but incredibly beautiful. Impossibly perfect.
So unique. Different from anything he had seen before.
This world is only red and green. Red and green. Destruction and creation. Death and Birth. Two halves of a whole. A unity.
The balance of the two is so simple here, so much more simpler than what he had believed. In this paradise of greenery the small blooms of red, bleeding so prettily in pinks and reds. The sunlight filtering through the foliage. This is paradise.
It has to be, surely, Katsuki couldn’t feel overwhelming contentment like this otherwise.
“There is a legend about these flowers. How a man yearned for a woman with his very being. He did everything he could think of to earn her affections. Spent all his energy, his fortune and time in attempting to woo her. To convince her, he was worth his time.” Deku whispers from behind him, voice soft and fragile.
Katsuki squeezes his hand.
“What happened?”
Deku presses his lips together and sighs.
“He pierced his own heart. Unrequited love that intense hurts like nothing else. They say that on the spot his body fell, the first of the bleeding hearts bloomed. Immortalizing his sadness and love for all to see.”
Katsuki sucks in a breath.
“That’s pretty shitty.”
Deku laughs, muffling his laughter with his free laugh.
Katsuma and Mahoro weren’t paying attention, too excited to pluck out the pretty heart flowers to their liking.
“It is. It’s hard loving someone so intensely, knowing nothing can soothe that ache but their love in return. As nice as it is to be adored, it can drive the best of men mad.” Deku sighs, brushing the flowers gently with his fingers.
“It’s a good thing I’m the best of all men, then,” Katsuki replies as Deku hits his chest playfully, laughing before pressing a kiss to the top of his head.
“I adore you, Katsuki.”
This time, Katsuki has no reservations in the word choice. He knows that love - in all its forms - were hidden in depth of those gorgeous green eyes.
“I adore you too, nerd.”
∞
In the waking world, Katsuki and Deku are walking back to the dorms after one of their last sessions before participating in a major project with the Pros. Everyone’s been buzzing with energy, restless. Ready to fight, ready to win, ready to save.
For tonight, Katsuki only stares at the moon.
“The moon is beautiful tonight.” he says without thinking, taking in the cool night air.
Deku stumbles over his feet, staring at Katsuki with wide, big eyes. Katsuki stares back, unsure what to think.
Deku looks up as well, and slowly a smile quirks his lips.
“The moon is beautiful tonight.” Deku agrees, and Katsuki’s heart thumps loudly in his chest.
Katsuki knows that there is some deeper understanding there. He doesn’t know what it means, that Deku responds like that. His heart is hammering but he knows that the truth of his dreams exist in this waking world. It must, since there is no other explanation as to why
For a while this existence was peaceful, blissful until a war breaks out in the waking world too. And this time Bakugou swears he’ll be the one to save Deku. He was more than ready to pay him back twofold.
Watching him rush into the fray once again, Katsuki is reminded of a thought he had forgotten.
Deku and his bleeding heart, making a mess everywhere. Deku who’s had his back from the very beginning. Deku who cares for him, who adores him. Katsuki will not let him down.
They will win. They have won, in the last life. They won’t lose here, this waking world would not beat them yet.