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Regret, a word you came to know intimately. It comes in all forms, all types. There’s the regret that comes with not knowing what could have been, what would have happened if you’d just grown up and talked it out instead of growing apart. Regret that planted itself deep inside you, taking root and refusing to let go. Maybe that regret was why you felt such a connection with him. You too dwelled on the could have, would haves, should haves. You too spent nights wondering why you did the things you did that led you to here.
You wondered, if maybe he felt the same as you. Two lost souls wandering through life, regret swirling about, refusing to move on, move forward. He put on a good front, he had the entire time you knew him. But nothing could hide the pain in his eyes. Not from you. Never from you. You knew all too well what the pain of regret looked like on a person.
You saw it roll off Tony in waves in the weeks after the Snap. Natasha as she tried to keep it together in the weeks, months, and years that followed. Clint after the mission to retrieve the stones, when Natasha didn’t return with him. Steve had always been an open book to you. Five years worth of picking up the pieces in the aftermath of Thanos brought you two closer than ever. You’d seen regret exude from him before, but never like this. Regret rolled with guilt. At first you thought it was guilt over Nat dying, over Tony dying, but it wasn’t that. You knew in your heart it wasn’t.
You watched as he hugged Bucky, uttering words that you knew held a weight you could never fully comprehend. He stood in front of you, shoulders sagged, a look of resignation on his face.
“Take care,” he said, his voice trailing off. His words confused you as he crushed you in a hug, a gentle kiss placed on top of your head. He stepped up to the platform and you glanced toward Bucky who shook his head in response to your unasked question. Regret hung in the air over words you never said. In an instant, he was gone. A flurry of activity as he didn’t reappear. Your heart cracked wide open. You felt the sting of tears, trying to push them back. You wouldn’t cry. Not here. Not now.
In the quiet of the night, as the dust settled on his choices, you allowed yourself to break. You loved him. You never said it with words, but you loved him. Held him on the nights he felt like he failed. Soothed his worries when he felt like he wasn’t doing enough. Put the broken pieces of Steven Grant Rogers back together again, though some were lost forever. But it was never going to be enough. You were never going to be enough.