Work Text:
You sat by the window, pretending to pick at the salad you had brought. Lunch had turned into an early dinner at the end of the day, taking your break in the last half hour of the work day. You didn’t live at the Avengers compound. Tony had been on your case about at least moving into one of the homes on the grounds, but you stood firm in wanting your work and your personal life to remain separate. You were fairly certain the only person who knew where you lived aside from Tony, was Natasha and that was because it was Natasha. You weren’t an Avenger. You were a desk worker. You helped decrypt intelligence and create mission briefs. You had a critical role with the team, even if you didn’t feel like what you did was all that important most days. You weren’t the one risking your life.
The nature of your job was another reason Tony and some of the others wanted you living at the compound. While putting the team in one place did paint a target, the compound had impressive security measures. Everyone had a place outside of the compound, sure, but a lot of time was spent there, together. Their homes away from the compound were more like a retreat to recharge. Clint weaved in and out with practiced ease, spending as much time as he could with his family when he could.
But you insisted on staying on your own. The only compromise you made was having FRIDAY, though the AI was barebones at your instruction in your home. You had bought the house a year into working with the team. Tony had gotten you set up. You knew he worried. He would never admit to it, but he did. You could handle basic self-defense, but push comes to shove, if HYDRA or some other enemy of the team came knocking, your chances against them weren’t great.
You had always struggled with your self-esteem and self-image. It worsened when you started working alongside Nat and Wanda. You had kept yourself in check, but things had been weighing on you lately. It was easy to start skipping a meal here and there. Easy to pretend you ate something. You knew it was a slippery slope. You were on a collision course with trouble. But when you stepped on the scale that morning, the number staring back at you had you convinced it was okay, that you were fine. It wasn’t like you skipped every meal. You ate. It wasn’t much, but you ate. It didn’t help that your anxiety was interfering with your appetite.
You were pulled from your thoughts when Bucky and Wanda sat down across from you. You hadn’t noticed them come in with Steve and Natasha, who found themselves sitting on the couch, Sharon Carter stretched between them with her head on Natasha’s shoulder and her legs flung across Steve’s lap. Bucky and Wanda were somehow the two you were closest to.It wasn’t something people expected.
“Sticking around for movies tonight?” Bucky asked you.
“And pizza...we can get your favorite,” Wanda said. You frowned. If it was just movies, sure. But pizza...pizza would put you over for the day. You kept a tally of the calories, painfully aware of how many a single slice had. Pizza was one of your favorites, especially from the place the team ordered from.
“Get you an order of garlic knots, know you like them. You’ve been on a health food kick lately. You can have a bit of a cheat day, especially with us,” Bucky teased. You sighed, closing the container that held your salad.
“I can’t tonight. I have plans,” you said. You missed the look the two shared and the staring from the trio on the couch.
“Like a date?” Wanda asked, her voice going up an octave. You snorted.
“Right. Me on a date. No, I just have plans with friends. I do have a life outside work you know. You guys are great but, I do have other friends,” you explained. It was a white lie. Your friends were miles away, scattered about the country and the world. The only plans you had were a bubble bath and a salacious novel before you inevitably lost the ability to distract yourself and forced yourself to go to bed.
“You could invite them here,” Bucky offered. You raised an eyebrow. Wanda tried to hide her laugh before Bucky realized what he’d said.
“Right. Background checks,” he said.
“Security is the way it is for a reason. Maybe some other time,” you said. You finished your lunch before heading to your office to gather your things. You opened your fitness app, inputting your lunch. You sighed as you saw the number for the day. Next time, you’d skip the dressing.
When you got home you threw the container your salad had been in into the sink. You filled your water bottle and went to start the bath. You’d kill for a glass of wine, but shook your head at the thought.
It hadn’t always been this bad. For a while, you’d been fine. But anxiety crept in and twisted things around. You knew, on some level, that you weren’t okay. That you should talk to someone. But then your anxiety kicked in, whispering that your problems weren’t important, that saying anything would be a bother. You and food had a complicated, unhealthy relationship.
You had been on the heavier side of things since middle school. A diagnosis of PCOS once you were out of high school made things make sense. Why you had gained so much weight. Why you had so much trouble losing weight. It also contributed to your anxiety. It was a perfect cocktail for the issues you had with your self-esteem. There were so many ‘diets’ aimed at those with PCOS. Keto. Gluten free. Don’t eat this. Eat that. Cut the sugar. Carbs are bad. You were almost down a size since you’d started down this path again.
You stripped down and turned on the water, adding bubbles as you let it fill. Once the water was high enough, grabbing the latest book you had picked up. You put on a playlist you’d made and slipped into the bathtub. You tried to relax. But you couldn’t. Too many thoughts swirled around in your head. When you got out of the bath, you stared at yourself in the mirror after drying off. You poked and pulled at yourself before sighing. You traced the stretch marks that lined your stomach. You watched the jiggle of your arms and your thighs as you finished drying off. You could almost hear the criticizing tone of your grandmother on the days you felt confident enough to wear a shirt that showed more of your arms. ‘ Why don’t you put on a sweater?’ ‘Do you really want to go out in that ?’ ‘You should cover up.’ Her words echoed in your head.
Your stomach growled but you ignored it. You had maxed out for the day. You told yourself you would be better off ignoring it. You got dressed for bed and went to lay down for a while. You needed a distraction from the hunger you were feeling.
Bucky and Wanda were worried. They had retreated to his room after you left. Neither spoke for a while.
“She never turns down pizza night,” Bucky said, giving Wanda a look. He was hoping she heard something. Wanda shook her head.
“You know I make a point not to listen. I tune everyone out unless something is too loud. We can’t violate her trust,” she said, sitting down beside him on the couch in his suite.
“She’s lost too much weight too fast, tell me you see it too,” Bucky said. He always noticed things when it came to you. The jeans you wore that once fit perfectly were starting to look baggy on you. The more fitted shirts you wore were also looser, in a way they were clearly never intended to be. Wanda nodded.
“I have. Tony has too. He can’t use FRIDAY to check on her either,” Wanda said before Bucky could even suggest it. Bucky frowned.
“Why not?” he asked.
“Because he promised her. FRIDAY only has the most basic functionalities in her home. Checking for a heartbeat is the extent of it. She wasn’t comfortable having FRIDAY in her home,” Wanda said.
“But when she’s here,” Bucky said. Wanda shook her head.
“FRIDAY doesn’t conduct health assessments on regular employees, not unless someone asks or they’re in medical for something,” Wanda reminded him.
“Couldn’t we ask?” he asked.
“No. Either she has to or Dr. Cho does. And you know Helen won’t do that without her consent. If there were something truly alarming, we have to trust that FRIDAY would alert someone,” Wanda told him. Bucky sighed.
“I don’t like this. Something isn’t right here. You’ve seen it yourself, Wanda,” he said. She placed a hand on his cheek gently, her eyes meeting his.
“I know. But all we can do right now is make sure she knows we’re here,” she said. He pulled her close, hoping you would come to them before whatever it was you were dealing with got too far out of control.
You had decided to take advantage of the gym at work. Tony had offered the use of the Avengers gym, but you had decided to use the regular employee one.
You found the stationary bike after stretching, deciding to use it. You had one earbud in while working out. It was a habit you had gotten into so you could pay more attention to what was going on around you. Which was why you heard when Aisling from accounting came in with several other women.
“Don’t know why she bothers. She likes Sergeant Barnes and Agent Maximoff. She hasn’t said it outright but it’s pretty obvious. It’s sad. As if either of them would be interested in her,” you heard her say. You knew she had no idea you could hear her. Aisling was always nice to you when you had to bring something by accounting for Tony. You’d even had lunch together a couple times a week, usually.
“Aisling, come on. You’re friends with her, aren’t you? Would it kill you not to be such a bitch?” another woman said. She sighed.
“She’s nice, don’t get me wrong. But life isn’t a movie. People like Barnes and Maximoff don’t end up with people who look like her. And clearly the gym isn’t helping her,” you heard her say. You ended your workout and gathered your things. You didn’t want to hear anymore. You tore out of the gym, willing yourself not to cry. You were hurt. You thought you were friends. You decided to use the showers in the Avengers gym. It was more private. You didn’t notice Bucky and Wanda were in the gym with Natasha and Clint as you rushed past.
Wanda and Bucky shared a look as you ran past. You were clearly upset. Natasha had a frown on her face.
“Wanda, come on, let’s go check on her,” Natasha said. Wanda nodded as she followed Natasha into the locker room. A shower was on. Through the door of the cubicle, they could both hear loud sobs. They decided to wait until you came out. When you did, you almost screamed. You were fully dressed, but you hadn’t expected to see anyone. It was clear you had been crying.
“What happened?” Natasha asked, jumping right to the point. You refused to look at either of them.
“Nothing,” you said.
“Want to try that again? You ran in here and you were crying. What happened?” she asked softly.
“Sometimes the truth hurts. That’s all. Look, I need to get back to work,” you said. You brushed past them and headed for your office, locking the door behind you.
Wanda and Natasha shared a look. Wanda wasn’t keen on breaking your trust, but she had to know what happened to upset you.
“FRIDAY what happened before she came up to the gym?” Wanda asked.
“She was in the employee gym. I can play the audio from that time if you would like, Miss Maximoff,” FRIDAY said.
“Please,” Wanda said. FRIDAY played back the audio, isolated from your immediate vicinity. She and Natasha both heard what Aisling said. Things clicked into place for Wanda.
“FRIDAY, contact Dr. Cho. Tell her Bucky and I will be coming by,” Wanda said. Natasha gave her a questioning look, but Wanda shook her head.
She went to talk to Bucky and the two of them headed for the medical wing of the compound. They hoped that Helen would be able to shed light on what was going on with you. If anyone could, it was her.
“Is there anything you can do?” Wanda questioned once they told Helen their worries. Helen looked between the two.
“I can’t. Unless FRIDAY detects that Ghost is in danger, I can’t. She’s not an agent or an Avenger. There’s no reason to monitor beyond basic life functions ,” Helen explained. Ghost was a nickname that had stuck to you. You were good at weaving in and out of networks undetected and that translated to how you moved around the compound at times. You had a habit of appearing out of nowhere. Tony swore up and down you must be enhanced with a teleportation power.
“We just want to know she’s okay,” Bucky told her. Helen nodded. It was no secret that Bucky and Wanda cared deeply about you. The only person who seemed to be oblivious to it was you.
“I understand, Sergeant Barnes. I really do. But for now, be there for her. It might not be something medical,” Helen advised. Bucky and Wanda left the medical wing, still at a loss of what they should do.
Another week passed. Most of the team was away on various missions. You were holed up in your office, working on decrypting something from the last mission Natasha had gone on, a solo run with Clint as backup. You hadn’t eaten all day. It wasn’t a conscious thing, and FRIDAY had reminded you to eat several times. You could feel yourself starting to shake and sighed. You were in the zone on your work and told yourself you’d grab a snack and a glass of orange juice in a few minutes.
By the time you moved to stand up, the shaking was worse and you were feeling lightheaded. You silently cursed yourself.
“Doll? Everything alright?” you heard Bucky ask. You jumped. You hadn’t been aware he was back from his mission.
“Yeah, yeah, just need to eat. Haven’t had anything today,” you said.
“Since breakfast you mean?” he asked. You didn’t look at him.
“Ghost, it’s four in the afternoon. You haven’t had anything yet?” he asked, alarmed. You sighed.
“It’s not a big deal,” you argued.
“Ghost, how much do you eat in a day?” he asked.
“Enough,” you replied, avoiding the question. You didn’t need anyone judging you for your habits.
“How much is enough?” he questioned, his tone gentle. You knew you weren’t getting out of this conversation. It would be easy to lie. But you couldn’t bring yourself to lie to him. You knew, on some level, that what you were doing wasn’t healthy, nor was it sustainable. You unlocked your phone and handed it to him.
“Ghost,” he whispered as he looked at your meticulously kept log. You hadn’t noticed Wanda enter the room.
“Why?” Wanda asked, as she took the phone from Bucky. You didn’t know where to start or how to answer.
“Look at me. I’ve tried every diet and none of them worked. I’m not pretty. I want to feel beautiful, you know? I want to be able to go out without thinking people are laughing behind my back. I want to go shopping and know if I find something I like, it’ll be in my size,” you rambled. You jolted when she brought her hand up to caress your face.
“You are beautiful. Don’t give me that look. You are beautiful in my eyes. In James’ eyes. Isn’t the saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder? You may not see yourself like that, but we do. And that’s okay. Things don’t change overnight, especially how we see ourselves,” she said.
“I think you should talk to Helen. This isn’t sustainable. It’s not healthy,” Bucky murmured. You were confused. You didn’t think they liked you, not like that.
“I don’t...why do you care so much?” you asked, eyes welling with tears.
“Because we care about you. We can talk about this more after you see Helen. We’ll be with you, every step of the way,” Wanda explained. You nodded.
“Okay,” you whispered. They walked with you, arm in arm to the medical wing. Helen had been expecting you.
“Everything will be okay. We’re here. And we’re not going anywhere,” Bucky said, taking your hand in his. You nodded. You weren’t sure what was going to happen next, but you knew, they’d be with you, whether it was as your friends or as your partners. Wanda sat on your other side, humming some calming song you didn’t know the name of.
You knew then. Things were going to start looking up. You were going to be okay. And they would be without, every step of the way.