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It wasn't often that Nick woke up to find an empty space next to him when Harry was home from tour. For a moment in his sleep induced haze he panicked and thought the last two weeks of kisses and cooking and come stained sheets had all been a dream, but it wasn't until he heard a soft thump from outside his bedroom somewhere down the hall that he realised Harry had just got out of bed. He waited for about 5 minuets before going to investigate where Harry had got to, as he pulled his bedroom door open further and peered down the hall and saw the kitchen light on. “Harry?” Nick whisper-shouted. He strode down the hall and came to the kitchen door frame, Harry was sat on the floor, arms wrapped around his knees that were pulled tight to his chest, his face hidden in the crevice of his body.
“Harry” Nick said again, this time in his normal voice causing Harry to bury his head further into his knees. He walked towards the curled up ball of popstar. “Whats wrong? Harry” He quickly crouched down to Harry’s level. Two teary eyes peered up to Nick, his breathing was uneven and laboured.
Nick reached out his hand for only the boy to recoil away from him. “D-dont to-touch me-e” Harry’s breathing became even more erratic “I ca-can’t b-b-bre-ea-the” Nick reached out his hand again to try calm the inconsolable boy. “N-oo do-nt t-t-tou-ch m-e”
Nick held both his hands up to show he wouldn't do anything Harry didn't want him to. “What’s wrong? Harry, what’s happened? What do you need? Harry it’s okay I’m here what do you need”
“Gem-gemma” Harry rasped. “Ple-please”
Nick quickly jogged back to his bedroom to grab his phone. It only rang 3 times before Gemma answered. “What… Nick? It’s 2 in the-“
“Gem, you, I need, Harry needs you” Nick said walking back down the hall “It’s Harry he wont- I dont- He wont talk to me and he’s like sobbing and he says he can't breathe” He pulled his phone away from his face and said “Harry Gemma’s on the phone”
“No N-oo Sh-she ne-need to be-be here” He said tears streaming down his face. “I-I CA-CANT B-B-B-BRE-ATHE” He all but shouted.
“Fucking shit god, Harry it’s okay” Nick crouched down and brought the phone back up to his ear “did you hear that, Gem jesus shit”
“I’m dressed I’ll be there in like, shit, um I dont know, like 15 minuets. God Nick” Nick could hear the panic in her voice. “Nick you, try tell him to calm him down, fuck” He reached out his hand to try soothe Harry only for him to sob louder and pull back before Nick could reach him.
“DO-N-NT T-T-TOUCH ME-E” He shouted “I c-a-a-nt b-r-re-athe, I n-ne-ee-d G-ge-gem”
“Okay I wont touch you, Harry look at me, Harry, It’s okay she’s coming. Its okay just take some, umm deep breaths, I dont know god. Um” Nick heard Gem hang up and the dull tone coming from his phone. “Harry, okay Harry I wont do anything, um, fuck, god. Just, Just breathe please”
“I-I c-c-cant” He sobbed. Harry pushed his head into his knees and let out a pained cry. “I can-t b-bre-bre-eath. N-ni-nick I ca-n-nt br-rea-athe”
“It’s okay, I’m here you’re okay, it’s just… I dont know, fuck, okay, I think you’re having a panic attack. Um just try calm down” Harry only wept harder into his knees “Harry, can I touch you?”
“NO” Harry cried “I ne-need G-g-gem-ma” His whole body was shaking.
“Okay, you’re okay, shhhh, she’s coming, it’s okay” Nick ran his hands through his hair. Harry looked up, his dark blue joggers stained with tears and snot and dribble. One of Nicks old t-shirts that Harry had stolen was drenched in sweat. “I’m here, I’m not-“
“I N-NEE-NEED G-G-GEMMA” Harry screamed at the top of his lungs. The only thing Nick could compare it to was when a toddler has a tantrum and gets so worked up they dont know what to do with themselves. It couldn't have been more than 10 minuets of sobbing and shaking and ‘I cant breathe’’s before Nick heard the doorbell go, he saw Harry flinch at the sound. Nick scrambled to his feet and ran towards the door. As soon as it was open Gemma pushed past him, running down the little walkway and into the dimly lit kitchen.
Nick took a long deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He quickly turned back to the kitchen, when he got there he found Gemma pulling Harry onto her lap, her long arms wrapping round his shaking body. “I c-ca-n-t b-r-r-eathe” he cried into her shoulder.
“You can, it’s okay” Nick heard her whisper. It was so quiet he was surprised Harry could hear it over his sobbing. “Come on were going to breathe out together. Really push all the air out. Ready?” She took a deep breath in and slowly made on over exaggerated breathing out noise from her mouth. Harry tried to follow unsuccessfully. “Harry you need to breathe out, long breath out come on”
She took in a long deep breath again and made a blowing noise out the exhale, trying to get harry to copy. He did, but it wasn't as smooth as hers, it was ragged and laboured. Nick just watched in amazement as Gemma soothed her, not so little, baby brother on her knee when he wouldn't even let Nick, the guy Harry’s been in a sort of relationship with for the last 4 years, touch his arm. Harry Styles, multimillion pound heartthrob popstar, curled up on Nick Grimshaw’s kitchen floor having a panic attack, it felt very… surreal. He’d never seen Harry look so vulnerable, he’s never seen him like this.
He turned round and went into the living room, sitting on the sofa next to Pig who was sleeping through the whole debacle. It felt to person to watch. The noise from the kitchen slowly died to Gemma gentle shushing. Nick sat back hand resting on Pigs head, scratching behind her ear. He could hear mumbling from the kitchen, but it was interrupted a few minuets later by the rattle of a taps followed by the humming of the kettle. He stood up, Pig following, and walked into the kitchen. Harry was sat at the little table, eyes red and tired, Gemma stood at the counter putting a teabag into a mug.
Harry kept his eyes fixed on his hands in his lap, Nick pulled the chair out on the opposite side of the table, is he aloud to touch him now? He thought it best to keep his distance. The three of them stayed in silence until the kettle clicked off and Gemma pored the water into the mug.
“You should go to bed, you have to be up in” Harry glanced at the kitchen clock “2 and a half hours” His eyes trailed back to his hands.
“Thats okay, I dont mind” Nick replied with a gentle tone, everything was very gentle and soft. Gemma placed the mug of tea in front of Harry and ran her fingers through his hair, pushing his overly long fringe out of his face.
“You’re okay” She said, it wasn't really a question it was more of a reassuring statement but Harry nodded anyway. “I better be off, you’ll be alright?” Harry just hummed from his tea.
Gemma looked at Nick ‘Call me if’ she mouthed nodding subtly in Harry’s direction. Nick nodded back and stood up to walk her out. When they reached the door she turned and hugged him. “He’ll be okay just try not to freak him out” she whispered. And then she was gone.
Nick walked back to the kitchen where Harry was stood at the sink, he turned round to look at Nick stood in the doorway. They just stared at each other for a moment, not knowing what to say. Nick opened his arms a tiny amount, inviting Harry to hug him if he needed. It was like a ton of bricks hitting him when Harrys body collided with Nicks. Harry clung onto his burying his face in Nicks neck. “I’m sorry” Harry whimpered, it really was a wimpier too. It sounded like he was about to cry again.
“Heyy, it’s okay, you dont need to be sorry” Nick replied stroking the back of Harry’s head.
“I just… I… I dont know. I woke up and saw you sleeping a realised like, how I have to leave again and… I dont want to leave again because..” Harry said, voice a little muffled from Nick’s neck.
“You dont need to explain yourself” Nick whispered
“I dont want to leave because… I’m in love with you” Harry sighed. Nick squeezed him tighter. He always worried about this. That Harry would get caught up in all the emotion and end up wanting to stay to have domestic bliss with Nick.
Nick doesn't really do domestic. He does… casual, and semi-casual and well… Harry. Harry doesn't fit into a category. He has his own. He’s Harry and they’re not exclusive because they sleep with other people but they are not not a couple. They aren’t nothing. It isn't casual, or semi-casual with a little commitment. If Harry’s in London, he’s Nicks… Thats said if Harry’s in the UK he’s Nicks… or if Harrys in Europe… he’s Nicks. If Harry’s anywhere, if they’re both honest, he’s Nicks and Nick’s his.
“You do want to leave. Because… because it’s you're dream and you’ve wanted it for ever and you love it. You dont have to choice… I’m not going to make you choose”
“But you keep saying how you’re getting old and you wanted to- to well settle down but I cant do that right now and… I cant make you wait that isn't fair” Harry sounded close to tears. Nick just pulled back and took Harry’s hand, pulling him back to the bedroom, because after all it was 2:30am and Nick needed to be up in a few hours.
Harry crawled under the duvet and rolled over to look at Nick. The bed's cold but Harry was warm and it was good excuse to cuddle into him. “I’m not old” Nick whispered.
“No you’re not” Harry whispered back.
“I dont want to settle down yet… Not without you” And the words had left his mouth before his brain had the chance to catch up with what he said and suddenly he’s feeling all emotional and god he could feel a lump in his throat. “Not without you because I’m in love with you and… it’s… always been about you”
Harry just stared back at him. “I’m so in love with you”
“I’m… I’m so in love with you too”
“I’m tired” Harry said, his voice rough from all the crying.
“Im not surprised” Nick smiled placing a kiss on Harry’s forehead.