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If you asked Juno why he was simultaneously trying to pry his eyelids open and glare across the room at four in the morning, he would’ve said it all started when Rita fell asleep on his leg five hours earlier.
The crew of the Carte Blanche was about halfway through the third installment of the Super Loan Sharks: Loan Sharks That Wear Little Suits And It’s Super series when the pile of blankets that somewhere, somehow, contained Rita slumped over and onto Juno’s leg, thoroughly trapping it.
Juno assumed the same rule that applied to dogs, cats, and non-venomous rabbits applied to former secretaries as well, and got ready to be stuck for the rest of the evening.
Jet made it nearly to the credits before the thirty seventh chase scene got the best of him and he too lost his fight with slumber. Buddy followed suit before the opening credits of the Super Loan Sharks: The Prequel has even come to a close.
Under any other circumstances, Juno would’ve nudged Rita until she got off his leg, then haul himself to bed and hope the crew got the same idea. However, when his giant human barnacle of a boyfriend fell asleep with a murmuring sigh and his head pressed into Juno’s neck, he knew any chance he had of escape was long gone.
The last person awake to help, however, was also the last person Juno expected to ever willingly help him.
Vespa’s gaze had long since drifted away from the movie screen. Instead, she had eyes only for Buddy, asleep with her head in Vespa’s lap while the doctor’s steady fingers adjusted and readjusted her hair. Vespa’s face wasn’t one that usually wore softness. Perhaps Juno was just seeing things in the dim screen’s light, but he could’ve sworn she had accidentally let a tender smile escape.
Juno doubted breaking the moment would help his case at all, but his leg was starting to fall asleep and Nureyev had slumped his entire weight into his neck. He sincerely doubted any of them would be able to turn their heads for days if they stayed like that all night.
A part of him didn’t mind being stuck with a Rita-shaped mound of blankets on his leg and a sleepily murmuring Nureyev wrapped around his arms and shoulders like an affectionate web of ivy. Another part of him was already sore.
With a sigh and a gradual turn of his head, he steeled himself to ask for a hand.
“Vespa,” he hissed across the room. She jumped.
“What do you want, Steel? Aren’t I allowed to have a moment—“
“Aren’t you a doctor?”
“What the hell are—“
“Shouldn’t you be a little concerned if my boyfriend’s about to snap my neck in half?” Juno shot back.
“If you make me stand up, I’ll kill you,” Vespa growled. Her fingers kept tracing their invisible designs into Buddy’s scalp, as if drawing a tiny galaxy in her hair.
“Well somebody’s gotta be the bigger person here, or we’re all gonna be sore as hell tomorrow,” Juno snapped.
There was a beat, both of them waiting for the other to volunteer to be the bigger person.
“I’m not waking her up,” Vespa resolved.
“Congrats,” Juno spat back, just a little too loud.
“Darling?” Nureyev murmured, though his words were blurred by sleep. Juno sincerely doubted he was even awake. “My darling, are you—“
Juno tucked the hand Nureyev had freed into his hair, angled his head better, and then pressed a kiss to the top of it.
“Go back to sleep,” he said in a warm whisper.
“Anything for you, my love,” Peter trailed off into a yawn, soft and sweet enough to break Juno’s heart. The snoring that followed, on the other hand, was not, though it dissipated once Juno jostled him enough to reposition his head.
“You two are so gross,” Vespa groaned once Nureyev was long since asleep.
“You’re still playing with Buddy’s hair,” Juno protested.
“Aren’t I allowed to be in love, Steel?”
“Well geez, now look who doesn’t mind PDA?” Juno snapped.
“You—“ Vespa cut herself off when Buddy shifted, then continued at a much lower volume, though she traded hands so she could gesticulate angrily while still playing with her fiancée’s hair. “This is tasteful.”
“And so was this!” Juno whisper-yelled across the room.
“You know what’s not tasteful, Steel?” Vespa demanded.
“What.”
“The other day, I went to the broom closet to get a goddamned broom. You know what I found in the broom closet?” Vespa paused, but pressed forward before Juno could do more than sputter indignantly. “It wasn’t a fucking broom, let me tell you.”
“We weren’t even—“
“All I wanted was a goddamn broom, but no, I had to see Juno Steel and Sneaky Pete over here sucking face behind the mops,” she drilled on.
“Look, we apologized—“
“If I wanted to see you two crazy kids all over each other, I’d go to—I don’t know—literally any part of the ship.”
“Can’t a lady fix his boyfriend’s hair, at least?” Juno sighed.
“I’m not finished with you yet, Steel,” Vespa growled.
“Sure hope not. We’ve got another four hours until the lights turn on, and if I fall asleep here, I’m not gonna be able to walk for days,” Juno shrugged. “And if I fall asleep first, then it’s the last lady standing’s job to wake everyone up and drag them off to bed.”
“You asshole—“
“Better keep me awake, then. Ransom gets cranky when he’s tired,” Juno snorted.
“Ugh!”
Juno did his best to wink across the room. It didn’t exactly work, not unless he wanted to admit defeat to Rita in their ongoing debate on whether he winked or blinked. Vespa gritted her teeth, however, so he assumed she got the point.
They sat in smoldering silence for a moment, trading glares and smirks while both continued to play with their respective partners’ hair. After what felt like minutes, Vespa finally sighed.
“If you’re gonna be a dick about it, at least pass me the goddamn chips,” she huffed.
Juno raised an eyebrow.
“Do I look like I can—“
“Just kick them over or something, I don’t care,” Vespa cut him off.
Juno wormed his free foot, still clad in a three-eyed bunny slipper, underneath the bag. He froze when he felt Rita shift, only continuing to toss the chip bag around when she relaxed once more.
“Could you move any slower?”
“Sure, I’ll just wake half the crew up at four in the morning, and you can explain to Ransom why his beauty sleep got interrupted,” Juno huffed.
“Shut up, Steel,” Vespa groaned.
“Never been one of my fortes,” he returned. “There you go.”
The chips slid across the floor like a hockey puck, knocking directly into the goal that was Vespa’s leg.
“You wanna change the movie?” Vespa asked. Juno was pretty sure thanking him would be too painful, and this was just a neat way around.
“God yes. I lost track of the plot before Mordecai H. Parnassus, Shark Lawyer even died,” Juno chuckled.
“Wait, he died?”
“Exactly. How do you feel about baking shows?”
Vespa gave Juno a look like he’d grown a second head.
“What? Rita got me hooked,” Juno defended.
“So long as it keeps you awake, I don’t care,” Vespa sighed. “I think I could fall asleep to a baking show.”
. . .
“Her pastry’s way too thick. There’s no way that’s gonna be edible,” Vespa shot at the screen, as if the competitors might hear her.
“I dunno, she’s got a hell of a flavor profile,” Juno shrugged. He glanced over at the clock, read the time as far past four in the morning, and then immediately forgot it.
“Ten creds says she goes home this week.”
“You’re on,” Juno snorted.
“See? The judge spat it out!” Vespa cried in whispered triumph when the competitor’s tart was placed upon the judging table. “Look, the bottom barely cooked. That shit’s raw.”
“Maybe someone else’s is worse,” Juno protested.
“Face it, Steel. You just want her to stay ‘cause you think she’s hot,” Vespa taunted.
“I do—I wouldn’t—“ Juno sputtered, his free arm gesturing wildly at Nureyev, who still wrapped around him like a tortilla. “Don’t you?”
“Not my type,” Vespa shrugged.
“Who even is your type, then?”
Vespa pointed at the head in her lap.
“Gross,” Juno groaned.
“Means a lot coming from a lady who gets off on broom closets,” Vespa snorted. “You’ve got nerve. I haven’t kissed anybody in a broom closet in twenty years.”
“I do not—we were just—what?”
Vespa’s face darkened.
“If you so much as mention that I said that—“
“With Buddy?”
“Yes, with Buddy who the hell do you think—“ Vespa broke off, her face visibly red, even in the dark. “That’s not the point.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Juno saw the contestant he had bet on give the hosts a teary hug.
“The point is that you owe me ten creds.”
“Look,” Juno started. “I could give you ten creds, or—“
“Or?”
“Or I could never repeat what you just told me,” Juno’s shit eating grin doubled in size.
“Forget your creds. If you repeat that, I’ll kill you,” Vespa growled.
“Ransom? Honey?” Juno started, though Nureyev had yet to even shift. “I just heard something I think you’d love—“
“Fine! Take your goddamn creds,” Vespa snapped.
“Darling?” Buddy murmured. Juno immediately jumped to feigning sleep while Vespa glared. “Is everything alright?”
“I’m okay,” Vespa sighed. “Lost a bet. That’s all.”
“What?” Buddy managed between a pair of yawns. Juno doubted she was fully awake.
“Go back to sleep, Bud.”
“Are we in bed, darling?”
“No. You fell asleep on the couch during the movie,” Vespa replied, that shaky, unpracticed smile returning to her face.
“Now, this is rather embarrassing,” Buddy joked. “If only I had a lady to carry me back off to bed.”
“I can wake Steel up,” Vespa snorted.
“That won’t be necessary, darling,” Buddy returned, a smile creeping into her voice as Vespa picked her up and crept around chip bags and blankets, eyes trained on the floor.
Well, eyes mostly trained on the floor. She managed one last glance up at Juno to stick her tongue out while he flipped her off from Nureyev’s hair.
“Honey,” Juno groaned.
“Mhm?” Nureyev murmured. Before Juno could respond, Peter, clearly still dreaming, interrupted. “You’re so lovely, my dear.”
Juno sighed, the last lady standing and far too trapped beneath his two favorite people in the world to do anything to wake them up.
When Nureyev cuddled a little closer with his shoulder, however, the fuzzy warmth in Juno’s chest decided he didn’t have the fortitude to wake them up. Drifting off to sleep, he decided he’d deal with the neck cramp in the morning.