Chapter Text
"Jade! Hurry up honey, we're going to be late." I hear my mother call calmly up the stairs.
"Yeah, one second," I replied while throwing the last of my school robes in my trunk, shutting it with a dull click as the latch struggled to stay closed. I run through my mental list of things I need for my sixth year at Hogwarts. I should have everything packed, but there is strong evidence from past behavior that I have ultimately forgotten something. I’m sure it will come to me eventually, probably when I’m in dire need of whatever it is that I’m forgetting. Orderliness isn’t my strongest suit. Neither is timeliness. I can hear my family growing restless downstairs. I’m always late, never on time, always running behind. One of the endless differences between myself and my perennially punctual family.
"Jade!" I hear my mother yell, finally growing impatient enough to add annoyance to her voice. I sigh and start walking downstairs, my trunk clunking behind me with each step. My parents are standing in the foyer with my older brother and his best friend. James has his head boy badge pinned to his robes, because of course he’s head boy. It came as a shock to everyone, himself included, but now he is relishing in it. I don’t know what Dumbledore is thinking. Maybe one of the qualifications for being head boy is being a git. I don’t even care that James is head boy, I just care that now there is yet another expectation James has set that I will never achieve. The list feels never ending: not on the quidditch team, mediocre grades at best, one singular friend instead of a whole posse, not sorted into Gryffindor. Now we can add “ not head girl” to the list.
I tend to spend an extreme amount of time staring at the floor when I’m with my family. It’s always uncomfortable, there’s nothing for us to really talk about anyway. I look up briefly as I reach the bottom of the stairs and find the hard gaze of my brother. My eyes divert themselves back to the floor with lightning speed. I can feel the snide remarks loaded on the lips of James and Sirius.
“It’s about time,” Sirius says, breaking the silence. I stare harder into the ground. I don’t bother to answer, there’s no point. Mum will be upset if we get in a fight right before we’re about the leave. I don’t understand why James and Sirius are so nasty to me, but I’ve come to expect it.
"We're apparating to King's Cross,” my mum says. Oh great, apparating, my favorite. I don’t like small spaces, and I don’t like the feeling of my lungs being crushed. "You'll do side along with me, Jade." She keeps talking, but I’m not really listening to her. This whole situation is filling me with anxiety. I don’t want to be here, in this house with my family, but I also hate apparating.
"Mmhm,” I nod my head. I link arms with my mum and brace myself. I try to look on the bright side. Soon I will be away from the endless disappointment of my parents, from the glares and backhanded remarks of James and Sirius. Soon I will be with my best friend, in a train compartment, eating too many Bertie Bott’s and laughing until my face hurts.
CRACK. The air is sucked out of my body and it feels like death is imminent. I wait for the white light everyone says you see. Instead, I am met with fluorescent overhead lighting of King’s Cross. Muggles bustle around us, hurrying off to catch their trains. I can hear James and Sirius chattering loudly about how this is going to be their best year yet as we make our way to 9 ¾. I can’t help but roll my eyes. They say this every year. At least this is their last year at Hogwarts. I cannot even fathom the peace that my life will know next year, when James and his friends have graduated.
"Bye Mum, Dad, I love you." I hug them quickly and say my goodbyes. The platform was full of students and families swarming around us. My parents tell me they love me and to keep up my grades, even though they know I won't.
"We're proud of you," Mum says to me, looking me in the eyes. I do have to say that my mum does try . It’s just hard for it to feel sincere when everything she says to me is so heavily laced with pity.
“Thanks, mum,” is all I manage to squeak out. I know she wishes I would try harder. I know she means well. I wish I would try harder. I want to have one of those mother daughter relationships that you read about, that I see in the muggle movies I like to watch. I struggle to feel connected to anyone in the family though. I feel disconnected from most people.
Dad doesn’t say anything to me, which is fine. Him and I have even less to talk about than mum. I give mum a weak hearted wave as I head towards the train. I can hear my parents fussing over James, showering him with praise and love. I can literally feel all of it going to his insufferable ego. I remember when the four of us used to be close, the unbreakable family unit. I remember when the first and most significant crack formed in our foundation.
" Potter, Jade." McGonagall calls as I walk up towards the sorting hat. I glance over to my big brother, James, as he gives me a grin and shoots me a thumbs up. Sirius is sitting next to him, grinning just the same. The whole Gryffindor table murmurs with excitement. James spent all summer telling me how many friends he has at school, how cool his whole house is. I am giddy. Everyone in my family has been placed in Gryffindor, it's a Potter tradition.
The hat is placed on my head and covers my eyes. A chill creeps down my spin as a voice starts talking to me. Dread fills my body as a horrible feeling sinks into my gut.
" Ahh a Potter" It says, while another chill runs down my vertebrae . "Where to put you? Where to put you? The choice feels obvious.” I think to myself “Gryffindor! Gryffindor!” to which the hat responds “there is some courage in here, yes, but what I see is hunger. I see a heart full of ambition, of pride. You’re adaptable and certainly have a knack for rule breaking. You’re determined. You want to prove yourself, that is what you desire. I will give you that opportunity, young Potter.” I feel my palms go sweaty. “SLYTHERIN!” the hat’s voice echoes through the Great Hall. Silence. The room is absolutely silent, which makes things worse.
I look towards James, who is frowning. I make eye contact with him, and he quickly looks away. He’s shaking his head, he looks disgusted. I swallow the lump in my throat, still in shock of everything that is happening. I see him muttering to Sirius, who has a grim look on his face. I can’t tear my eyes away from them.
“Miss Potter, please get off the stool and go to your table.” McGonagall motions to the Slytherin table. I am still stunned, but manage to get to my feet. My knees feel shaky, my feet made of lead. I look towards the table of silver and green. They don’t look pleased either, noses wrinkled at the sight of me making my way towards them. I see a boy with the same face as Sirius. He raises his eyebrows at me and gives me a small, tight lipped grin. It’s the friendliest face at the table amongst all of the scowls.
I’m staring out of the compartment window, watching families wave their children goodbye. I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I swallow hard and fight them off. I don’t cry much anymore, I did enough of that when I was younger.
"You!" My best friend cries as he sits down across from me, door rattling shut behind him.
"What, I'm not even worthy of a name?" I laugh as I look up at Regulus Black.
"Nope, not even a little bit, you " He grins, the corners of his gray eyes crinkling. Seeing Regulus smile always makes me smile. Sometimes I think we’re the only people who can get the other to do that. I feel my body start to relax, the tension leaving my shoulders and temples, just at the presence of Reg. “Are you okay? You look upset,” he asks with genuine concern. He always knows when I’m off. He can read me like no one else can.
"Yeah, I was just…thinking about my family…first day back is always hard, you know what I mean?” I struggle to find the right words, but Regulus nods his head in understanding. I know he gets it. He also has a very strained relationship with his brother. Contrary to the distance between my parents and I, Regulus’ parents are obsessed with him. Especially his mom. She dotes on Regulus to the point where it is unhealthy. I know he has a lot of pressure and expectations from his parents. You would think Sirius would have set the bar low for Regulus, getting blasted off the family tree and all, but somehow the bar is now even higher for Regulus. It’s like he is expected to make up for all of the grief and shame Sirius has brought his family.
"I know what you mean. It’s always hard to have family time, ” he says the words while wrinkling his nose. “I can’t even imagine having to live with the terrible twins. Did they say anything to you today?”
“Not really. Sirius gave me some attitude about running late, but it was mostly just dirty looks from them. Too busy talking about themselves to harrass me.”
“Typical,” Regulus says with a slight sneer. “I’m sorry you have to deal with them. And your family. I know it’s hard with your parents too, especially your dad.”
“It’s like him and James are mirrors of each other. The disappointment from both of them is identical and it’s horrible.” I can hear it in my voice that I’m starting to sound distraught. I have to reel my emotions in.
“I’m sorry Jade. You don’t need them. You have me!” Regulus says with a cheeky grin. I roll my eyes, but I smile back at him. I do have him, that’s all I really need.
“Oh that’s very comforting. Who needs a brother or a father when you have a smarmy bastard of a best friend,” I retort, still smiling.
“Hey, I prefer to be called charming ,” he says defensively.
I look out the window and catch one last glance of my parents waving. They aren’t looking in my direction, they’re waving to James. It’s cool. It’s fine.
“You would think after six years they’d get over me being in Slytherin. I don’t know why they took it so personally, especially my dad and James. It’s like they look at me and only see what color school uniform I wear.”
“It’s quite childish of them, if you ask me,” Regulus says.
“It’s not just childish, it’s hypocritical. I don’t care that I was sorted into a different house from them. I don’t think any less of anyone who is sorted into another house. Aren’t slytherins supposed to be the ones who hate people for where they come from? You know, pureblood nonsense and all?”
“Mmmmhm,” Regulus nods. “So hard being the black sheep of the family,” a ghost of a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“Hey now, don’t minimize my black sheep plight. I’m sure it’s soooo hard being the favorite child,” I retorted cheekily.
"You want to trade places? It’s exhausting being the golden boy of the family. So much pressure to uphold the name of the most ancient and noble family of Black. Your parents fuss over you constantly, the micromanaging never stops. Never any time to yourself.”
"No thanks,” I wrinkle my nose at the thought of having to live a life like Regulus. “That sounds much worse. All I have to really do is hide in my room at home and not talk to anyone.”
“What I would give to not have to be smothered by family all of the time. It’s like my mother thinks if she doesn’t stay overly involved in everything I do I’m going to run away from home too,” I can hear Regulus’ voice start to have an edge. “It’s all bullshit. I wasn’t even supposed to be the golden boy. I’m the second born son, the oops baby that my parents certainly did not plan on having or particularly wanted. I was supposed to have a nice quiet life with minimal expectations, but now I have all of the expectations.”
“I’m sorry Reg, you deserved to have the black sheep life too,”
“I know! But of course, Sirius gets that too ,” Regulus says with a frown. We sit in silence in the compartment for a moment, letting the conversation settle between us. “It’s not really the train ride back to Hogwarts if we don’t complain about families, huh?” Reg says, finally breaking the silence.
"Of course. Have to air out the family distress before we can kick off another year of chaos,” I say with a smile, as the frown finally leaves Reg’s face. I can see the prefect badge on his robes catching the sun from the window. “Don’t you have your prefect meeting?” I point out.
"Oh shit. I do. Thank you, I can’t believe you’re the one who is on top of things,” Regulus hurries out of the compartment. He pokes his head back in the door, “please do not kill anything or hurt yourself while I’m gone. I’ll be back soon.”
“No promises!” I shout as he walks away.
I watch the English countryside fly by, rolling hills of emerald reduced to green blurs. I already wish Reg would come back from his meeting. I spend all of my holidays isolated and alone, and as soon as I get to be reunited with Regulus and get a taste for having someone to actually talk to, it’s all my brain wants. I am often awestruck that Regulus is my friend at all. We are as different as James and I are. Regulus has stellar marks in all of his classes, he’s prefect in our year, he’s got a good rapport with all of our teachers and housemates, he’s even captain of the Slytherin quidditch team for Merlin’s sake. There’s nothing he can’t do, and instead of dismissing me as his lesser, he embraces me as his friend. His best friend. He helps me with my schoolwork so I don’t flunk out, he’s understanding that it’s hard for me to make new friends, he doesn’t care what house I’m in or what family I come from. He’s always the calm and collected to my chaotic and careless. I feel very lucky to have someone like Regulus in my corner, and I take great pride in calling him my best friend. Anyone would be lucky to have a friend like him.
It’s starting to feel like an eternity since Reg left for his meeting. They usually don’t take this long, where is he? I hear the compartment door slide open and see his dark hair out of the corner of my eye. “Finally! What took so long? I was starting to assume you were shacking up with Vivian Bulstrode, you know she’s been wanting to jump your bones since last year,” my voice soft and full of laughter. The laughter quickly ceases. “What are you doing in here?” my eyes narrow.
“Shhh.” Sirius holds a finger to his lips.
“BLACK!” I hear yelling from out in the hallway as a loud crash fills in the train, quickly followed by the sound of heavy footsteps. More cursing and shouting. Sirius is now laughing into his palm, trying to not make a sound.
“What are you doing in here?” I repeat myself, the annoyance is clear in my tone. Where the hell is Regulus?
“Obviously I’m hiding. Would it kill you to be quiet?” Sirius says in a fast whisper.
"What are you hiding from?” I ask, dropping my voice.
"Just pranked Snivellus. Shh." I heard the loud, thudding footsteps walk right by my compartment. I don’t even know what to say to him, how to express exactly how irritated I am that he is intruding on my personal reflection time while I wait for Regulus to return.
I look up at him with a frown on my face. It’s always jarring how similar Sirius and Regulus look. Same gray eyes, same nose, same cheekbones. Regulus’ face is more narrow and his build is much thinner. The largest difference though is the hair. Regulus always keeps his neat and short, and Sirius’ couldn’t be any further from that. I hear heavy footsteps go storming by the compartment. A frown settles on my face.
“Do you do anything other than scowl? Or is that the only thing your kind knows how to do?” Sirius asks. I’m taken back by the outright rudeness.
“Seriously? You come into my compartment, so you can hide from the same person you’ve been bullying for the past six years, and you start insulting me?” My eyes narrowed at him.
“I think it’s a valid question,” he says, shrugging. I feel the anger start to bubble up inside of me.
“What is “your kind” even supposed to mean! I don’t understand why there’s so much hostility towards Slytherins in general. Yeah, sure. There’s some real tossers in our house, but half of us are just trying to pass classes, like the rest of the Hogwarts student body, and get on with our lives. Everyone always gives Slytherins a hard time because of what the house was founded on, which was like a million years ago . It's quite ironic because we get picked on simply for what house we were sorted into, which we have as much control over as a wizard has over being from magic or muggle parents, but somehow we’re the bad guys? It’s no wonder I’m always scowling.”
Sirius looked at me dumbly, seemingly stunned. I was a little stunned too. This is the most I’ve ever spoken to him. I usually just ignore the verbal jabs he or my brother throw at me, but apparently my impulse control is what I forgot to pack this year. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but my desire to chew Sirius Black has never been stronger.
“By the way, I think it’s incredibly lame that you’re still tormenting Severus. Will you ever grow up?”
Sirius opened his mouth to retort but I cut him off.
“Now, get the fuck out of my compartment,” I said, scowl still very much on my face.