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Lloyd sensed more than he heard that he was joined out on the deck by one of his teammates.
“I never wanted to be the leader, you know.” He said.
Cole sat down beside him. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Never wanted to be the Green Ninja, or the Golden Master, or the Chosen One, or whatever the hell they call me these days.”
Cole made a non committal sound.
“It’s just,” Lloyd sighed. “It’s hard, you know? One minute I’m a kid, then I blink and it’s suddenly years later and I’m in charge just ‘cause I've got the special powers. My destiny is all laid out before me, one step after the other on the road to greatness.”
“Yeah.”
Lloyd turned his gaze away from Cole and down to his lap, suddenly flustered. “Sorry, you don’t need to hear this, I, uh…”
“You feel like you have no choice in how you live your life and it’s suffocating.”
“Heh, yeah.” Lloyd half-laughed to himself. “Kinda sums it up. But who am I to complain? Special powers, friends, family. The universe has dealt me a pretty good hand.”
“Is having a good hand enough to continue playing a game that you hate?”
Lloyd’s head shot up, alarm flashing in his eyes as they fixed on Cole. Cole stared back, face expressionless.
“Are you telling me to, you know?” Lloyd couldn't say the words. “Uh, stop playing?”
Cole shifted so he was leaning back, braced on his hands, looking up. He didn’t say anything.
Lloyd chewed his lip, watching the black ninja and waiting for a response.
He didn’t say anything.
The silence lay heavily on Lloyd, and he could see it weighing on Cole, too.
“I’ve thought about it.” Lloyd said softly, after a few minutes had passed. “Is that bad?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
There was more silence.
Cole spoke first this time. “Contemplating the value of your existence is normal for people like us, Lloyd. There is nothing wrong with admitting to yourself that you don’t want to continue down the path destiny has chosen for you. And it’s not bad, or selfish, or wrong in any way to look for a way out.”
“So it’s okay that I’ve thought about, ah,” The words stuck in Lloyd’s throat. He didn’t want to think about them, let alone speak them. “It’s okay that I’ve thought about folding and leaving the table?”
“Have you ever tried to kill yourself, Lloyd?”
“What?!”
Cole turned to meet Lloyd’s eyes. “Have you?”
Lloyd frowned, but answered honestly. “No. No I haven’t.”
“Would you?”
“Why are you asking?”
“You’re not bad, or abnormal, or selfish for having suicidal thoughts, Lloyd.” Cole turned back to the sky. “It’s not okay, but it’s not wrong. You’re a good person Lloyd, who has had a lot of bad stuff happen. You haven’t gotten to live the life you want, and you want to. You want out, and that’s okay. No one wants to live life trapped in a cage.”
“Okay.” Lloyd wasn’t really sure what to say. “So what do I do? The thoughts don’t stop, Cole. What if they get worse? What if I decide to try and一”
“Do you know the interesting thing about cards, Lloyd?”
“What?”
Cole offered Lloyd a crooked smile. “You can play hundreds of different games with cards. All you have to do is shuffle and re-deal. You don’t need a new deck. You don’t even have to move to a different table.”
“Okay?”
“What I’m trying to say, Lloyd, is that killing yourself isn’t the only way out. Just because the universe dealt you a perfect hand to play poker, doesn’t mean you can’t use those cards to play Go-Fish. Who is the universe to tell you what to do with the life it’s given you? You don’t want to be the leader? Fine, don’t. No one is telling you you have to. You don’t want to be a ninja anymore? Fine, go be a used car salesman.”
Lloyd titled his head, studying the earth ninja as he spoke. His friend had a lot to say on this matter, and it actually kind of helped. In a way.
“So you’re saying I can take control? Fight against destiny?” Lloyd looked down at his lap once more. “I don’t know, Cole. People are expecting a lot from me.”
“People expect a lot of things.”
“So you’re saying to ignore the people who rely on me?” Lloyd asked.
Cole shook his head. “No. Support those that rely on you in whatever way you can. But also let yourself be supported by those waiting for you to rely on them. Being a hero doesn’t mean you have to save everyone else all the time. Sometimes the most heroic thing a person can do is save themselves.”
Lloyd took a few minutes to think things over. He didn’t really want to kill himself. That sounded scary. And selfish. And permanent.
But what Cole was offering was also scary. And selfish. Right? Was it wrong to want something for himself? Is it selfish to want to live his own life and not the life the universe had chosen?
Who was the universe to dictate how he lived his life?
“Thanks, Cole.” Lloyd smiled a little. He had a lot to think about, but he did feel a little better.
“Anytime.” Cole’s gaze turned back to the stars. “You know you’re allowed to talk to us anytime you’re feeling like quitting, right? We’re here for you.”
“I know. But sometimes it’s just…”
“Hard.” Cole finished.
“Yeah.” Lloyd’s eyes joined Cole’s in looking up at the heavens.
They sat peacefully. Observing, thinking. It was a nice night.
“Cole?”
“Hmm?”
“Have you, uh, well, have you, ever thought about quitting?”
“Mhm-hmm.”
“Oh.” Lloyd figured as much, but it made him sad to hear his friend admit it all the same.
“I didn’t climb that mountain just to test myself. Not at first.”
Oh.
Lloyd felt bad for bringing it up, but he wanted to know. “Well, ah, w-what changed?”
Cole turned towards Lloyd, a playful smirk on his lips. “I found the rules for a new game.”
Lloyd knew there was probably a story, and not one as light-hearted as Cole’s comment, but he decided not to push.
God, heart-to-hearts were exhausting.
“It’s late.” Cole said.
“Yeah.” Lloyd agreed.
Neither of them moved, content for the time being.
“So how do I start?” Lloyd asked. “How do I decide what I’m going to be?”
“That’s up to you.” Cole answered. “You can be anything you want to be, Lloyd.”
“You really think so?”
“Yeah.” Cole slid closer. Close enough that their legs touched, just a little. “Yeah I really do.”
Lloyd didn’t speak. He didn’t move. His mind was busy thinking of all of the things he could be.
Take that universe.