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It was night time, almost midnight. Things were supposed to be quiet. But the busy streets of Seoul were far from it.
Everywhere a pair of eyes wonders, lines are blurred. People walk over the curb into the roadway. Inside every open restaurant, there is the clattering of utensils and whispered giggles and conversations can be heard. Shoppers who swing the doors open into patio seating remained gawking at the things they don’t have any intention to buy. And now, cabs honking every now and then after dropping off their passengers mid-intersection can be seen on the sides.
It was more daunting, more electric, more neon, more alive than ever.
But why is Yoo Jeongyeon feeling the opposite of it all?
On the 15th floor of the tallest condominium in the center of the city, in that certain spacious room where a blinking lampshade is the only source of light, lies a woman who looked like an absolute mess in every angle.
She was positioned in the middle of her queen size bed. Her limbs were stretched out to occupy the empty spaces beside her as if it could help ease the crest-fallen atmosphere. Her eyes never left the ceiling above. Only the patterned sound of the ticking clock can be heard.
There was nothing else, and she remained unmoving.
Everything was still, almost dead cold. And she’s alone.
The blinking light placed on her bedside table looked like it corresponds to her heartbeat. Both were calming and alarming at the same time for some reason.
She blinked again. It didn’t surprise her nothing changed. It has been like that for weeks. Or maybe months? To be honest, she lost count. Nothing else matters, she thought.
The back of her hand lazily rested atop of her forehead. With eyes closed, she sighed. The reek of alcohol escaped from her lips, reminding her of the excessive amount she took in the last 24 hours. Nevertheless, she didn’t bother doing anything to lessen it. Besides, she’ll continue drinking anyway.
It’s one of those sleepless nights again when everything just continues to disturb her. She needed liquor.
It took her a few seconds before turning her head to the side to pick up the opened can of beer, or maybe the half-empty glass of whiskey, or better yet the last stick of cigarette she only has left.
Confusion took over when she saw the can of beer crushed with an empty pack of cigarettes beside it. She tried to stand up to get herself a new glass of liquor when she felt a sudden ache in her right foot.
She looked down and saw shards of glass on the floor. Her eyebrows dipped a little until it dawned on her that she accidentally caused the glass to fall on the floor which causes it to break the night before.
“Fuck,” she cursed. The scenes of last night came into her. And the night before that, as well as the night before of the last night.
Until it brought her to the memory of last night with her.
She cursed again. A loud one, this time. Ever since she became alone in that spacious unit, there was never a day she didn’t drink and didn’t smoke.
There was never a day she didn’t feel miserable.
The whole studio type condo unit was a huge pile of mess. Empty and crushed cans of beer lying almost in every corner of the unit. Cigarette butts and its ashes overflowing from the ceramic ashtrays seated on the table. Dirty dishes occupying the sink, looking like it hasn’t been touch for years. Turned down picture frames and torn pieces of paper near the bed could be noticed as well.
The bed which has white sheets before has now turned into almost grey, and the way it has come undone appears that Jeongyeon never left its comfort. Not to mention the pillows which almost got rid of from its case with visible dried tears and stains on them.
Her surroundings were signs of melancholy and hopelessness, just like what she feels at that moment, like what she is at that moment. A total opposite of when she was still happy, when she was still living with her.
When they were still together.
Out of impulse and building madness inside of her, she grabbed ahold of the nearest crushed can and abruptly threw it against the wall, not minding the mirror and the clock that got broken along with it.
She needed a drink again.
After having a shower, she put on her black jeans and black shirt, together with her black leather jacket since it was mid-November, thinking it is probably cold outside.
Unbothered, she just ran her fingers through her short blonde hair and headed out. She didn’t grab her car keys for she wanted to take a walk, and maybe discover a new local bar that fits her liking.
With both of her hands inside her leather jacket pocket, the neon lights and loud EDM surrounded her as she takes a stroll in the party streets of Seoul. Jeongyeon wasn’t new with this. She’s a grown-ass woman who drinks every now and then, attended some bars and clubs whenever she feels like it, either when she's alone, with friends, or with her.
She abruptly stopped on her tracks. A sudden thought of someone made her stomach churn she felt like vomiting, because apparently that someone was the reason why she drinks, either for she keeps Jeongyeon awake at night or simply because Jeongyeon wanted to forget about her.
Either way, she was sure she needed booze right now. The thirst she had kept getting stronger.
“Look where you’re going!”
Jeongyeon looked at her side when something bumped into her shoulder from the opposite direction she was heading to. In a denim jacket, tied short red hair, tanned skin, and wide rounded eyes, she saw a woman; a head shorter than her with furrowed eyebrows.
Often times, when a person looks at a stranger from head to toe with possible hatred or suspicion, it was the start of unnecessary fights. But with Jeongyeon’s mood today, she’s unlikely up for it. She proceeded to walk like nothing happened.
However, the woman won’t let it pass.
“Hey,” she grabbed Jeongyeon’s shoulder and made her look back. “Aren’t you going to apologize?”
The taller woman in the leather jacket looked at her blankly. “What for?”
Unbelievably, the other woman scoffed. Her hands found its way to her waist before fully taking Jeongyeon’s overall again. “Do you have any idea who you are talking to?”
“No.”
Before the other woman come at unbothered Jeongyeon, two women came out of nowhere without them noticing. A blonde one held the tanned woman’s hand in the prevention of slapping Jeongyeon. On the other hand, a ginger-haired woman with sharp facial features threw her arms around Jeongyeon’s shoulders, much to her surprise.
“Stop that, Jih. We need to be somewhere else right now. Let’s go.” The blonde woman slowly guided down the arm she’s holding. The tanned one’s brows continued to furrow.
“But Mina—“
“I said let’s go.”
Jeongyeon doesn’t understand why she was standing in front of two women staring at each other for whatever reason they were talking about. It seemed like the tanned woman admitted her defeat and followed what she was told.
She was ready to leave when she saw how that woman turned her back on her, but it was now the turn of the blonde woman to look at her from head to toe. Jeongyeon remained rooted in her place, full of curiosity as to why people keep looking at her that way.
“Watch out. I can buy your whole existence.” The woman—in which Jeongyeon recalls as Mina—smirked and looked at her in a warning stare again. Without a word as a response, she turned around in a graceful movement, making her leave in the scene.
Appalled, Jeongyeon shook her head after a few seconds of letting the two figures before her fade out of her sight. Did that woman just challenge her of who can buy someone’s existence?
How ingenious.
A soft, delicate laugh filled her ears and that was when she realizes the owner of the arm resting on her shoulders was still there. Jeongyeon raised her eyebrow at the woman who was laughing so hard she even threw her head back like a kid.
She scratched her eyebrow and carelessly removed the arm dangling around her shoulders which caused the ginger-haired woman to stop laughing. Jeongyeon stared at her with irritation, and she stared back with almost glistening eyes full of wonder.
“What do you want?” Starting to get displeased by her odd behavior, Jeongyeon asked the other woman.
And insanely, the woman in question broke out into a mischievous grin. “You.”
Jeongyeon exaggeratedly exhaled, “I’m leaving.”
As if she wanted to piss Jeongyeon off more, she laughed and followed her. “Hey, Leaving. You didn’t let me finish my sentence!”
“You’re annoying. Stop following me!” Jeongyeon retorted back.
“My name is not Annoying, Leaving!” She caught up to Jeongyeon and forcedly turned her around. She grinned even more, but before the taller woman could mutter anything, she introduced herself. “Hi, I’m Sana. Nice to meet you, Leaving.”
Jeongyeon pushed back the fallen strands of her hair using her fingers out of thinning patience left. Her eyes bore at the hand suspended in the air, waiting for a handshake. She didn’t respond, which made the other woman retreat her hand and faked a cough.
In a tone between flirtatiousness and seriousness, with a hint of inviting, she spoke. “Okay. I just figured maybe you like to have a drink tonight.”
A knowing smirk plastered across Jeongyeon’s pinkish lips. She ran her eyes in Sana’s overall fully taking her in. Not gonna lie, Sana was her type. If they were in different circumstances, they’d be out of where they are right now. And probably, letting each other savor the natural heat they will both emit at the climax of their own events.
Again, just like clubbing, Jeongyeon wasn’t new to those kinds of happenings. Just last week, she shared a sensual night with a Japanese black-haired woman who she recalls as a famous choreographer. She barely remembered the name though. But it was a name with repeated syllable. Was it Mimi? Or Momo?
Then, it struck her with the question of how she ended up doing something like that. It wasn’t naturally in her to do one night stands to women she barely knew, but maybe she was just desperate enough to forget that she opted to look for other people’s affection, care, and intimacy.
She wanted so much to forget about her, so she used other people in doing so.
Either way, the night with that choreographer was the best one she had in a while.
Sana snapped her fingers in front of her which made her come back from her train of thoughts. Her true intentions of getting out late that night came back. And maybe, giving in to a complete stranger’s invitation wouldn’t hurt badly.
There’s nothing more painful than getting left behind by someone you thought would stay.
She got nothing to lose anyway.
Jeongyeon clicked her tongue and gave in to the invitation. On the other hand, Sana beamed like a little kid but the flirty stares were still visible. She grabbed Jeongyeon’s hand without hesitation, and they run to a place with the intention of forgetting anything else but them.
In a matter of a few minutes, she stood in front of a nightclub and sports bar, with its name written in bright neon red. The exterior color of the establishment was dark blue, almost black. From the outside, it looked like it screamed unavoidable danger and forbidden sins, but from what Jeongyeon hears as the faint party music, it will always be an enticing place for her.
She looked at Sana who didn’t let go of her hand. Their eyes met immediately, hers with a questioning look and a little bit of excitement, and Sana’s full of thrill and mischief. She wondered what it was for.
“Let’s go.”
The ginger-haired woman giggled and pulled Jeongyeon inside the club. The moment she set foot inside, the deafening party music filled her ears, the people inside were all having fun drinking and grinding their hips to people she bet they don't even know, the only source of light is the dancing disco balls.
Jeongyeon made an internal itinerary for that night: she drinks everything she can, have fun, meet someone she can get her itching hands on if she’s getting lucky, drink some more, have fun again, and ultimately, forget everything that keeps her awake at night.
Sana grabbed Jeongyeon’s cheek and forced the taller woman to look at her, which made Jeongyeon snapped out of her reverie. The moment their eyes met, an invisible tension appeared until Sana showed her mischievous grin.
“This club is mine. Feel free to enjoy, miss...?” Sana asked in a loud voice for them to hear each other right. In another perspective, it seemed like Sana was screaming at Jeongyeon.
“Just Jeongyeon.” She replied in a calm but firm voice, still making sure Sana could hear her.
“What? Louder please?” Sana inched her face a little closer to Jeongyeon’s.
“Call me Jeongyeon.”
“I can’t hear you properly.” Sana’s voice was still louder than before and her face got unbelievably closer to Jeongyeon.
On the other hand, Jeongyeon’s eyebrows started to furrow. “I said—“
Before Jeongyeon could finish her sentence, Sana planted a chaste kiss on her cheek. From a furrowed eyebrow, she shot them up at the giggling woman in front of her as if kissing Jeongyeon was an achievement.
It baffles her that the kiss was chaste and quick, considering how flirty Sana got in the last few minutes.
But not that Jeongyeon actually wanted a different kind.
After giving a peck in her cheek and giggled so much about it, Sana stood proudly and looked at the other woman’s questioning face. It almost made her laugh but didn’t pursue more. They just met; she can't have a customer in her club lashed out on the owner just because of a playful kiss.
“Have fun, Jeongyeonie.”
Sana suppressed a giggle until she fully turned her back on the astounded Jeongyeon, who was left still rooted near the entrance of the club. As the owner of the club’s figure was lost in her eyes to the sea of people, Jeongyeon headed straight to the bar counter.
She decided to have tequila on the rocks with lime, before allowing herself to get drown in heavy ones as the night goes deep.
Goodnight sleep is the only thing she needed. A peaceful one, an addition to that. The sole reason was when she falls asleep; she tends to forget every painful memory and her aching heart.
It just turns out that she needed it every day. It didn’t occur to her until she gets to realize how fucked up she actually is. The blame could be put to herself for everything was her own choice. But the way only thoughts of someone bugs her to the extent of having insomnia and being dejected was more than enough to throw away every sensible reasoning she has.
If only she could stop herself from wishful thinking that she will come back to her, from mindless dreaming that they will create a thousand memories more, from unbelievably questioning herself on what she did wrong.
If only she knew if she was enough.
On her third shot of vodka after 2 glasses of tequila, still leaning against the bar countertop, memories of someone she once treasured resurfaced in her mind. A small smile crept into her lips; her eyes glistened, remembering how every moment brought her to heaven and back. At the same time, it actually looked like it wanted her to remind of what she had lost.
A sudden ache started growing inside her chest. It appeared to be dull at first, but the more intoxicated she gets, it becomes more intense, more evident, like it commands to be felt.
She exerted so much effort to disregard the familiar pain by drowning herself with alcohol. An annoying hangover was what she prefers than a horrible repetitive heartache.
Although she knows there is no possible shortcut to get what she wants as of the moment.
Neon dancing lights, blaring electronic dance music, roaring conversations, faint clicking of glasses, drunken asses rubbing to each other were still surrounding her. She didn’t mind, but the urge to do something else kept on bugging her.
The moment she stood up straight and walked towards the crowd, her world spun in an instant due to the amount of alcohol she took. Her feet immediately halted and her eyes were rooted on the ground. A humorless laugh escaped her lips until it grew louder that people around gave her a second glance.
Again, she didn’t mind. All she can think about is how a little amount of liquor can affect her so much when in reality, it wasn’t even half the number of tears she shed for someone who was heartless enough not to give a single fuck about her.
Yes, she’s that pity right now.
As if nothing happened, she raised her head and walked around like the bad bitch she is. Her fingers ran through her blonde hair, almost making everyone near her whipped her head to look her overall.
The sex appeal she radiates whenever she does that never fails.
A certain group of people with their backs turned on her caught her attention. Not because they weren’t grinding at each other or the booming cheers they had, but because these people were positioned around a particular table that allows them to see clearly a drinking game.
Beer pong.
It’s been a while since she played it. She barely remembers even. All she knows is she can hardly make a good shot, that’s why someone else used to play it for her due to the involvement of money as their bets. She remembers how well—
Wait. She tilted her head to the side and quietly reprimanded herself for remembering someone who was not there.
It’s not even worth remembering, Jeongyeon. She scolded herself once again before taking a step near the beer pong table. Maybe it will be enough to distract her from the poignant memories.
The cheers of people keep getting louder. When she came near, several people took a step back and created a pathway for her to go to the center while keeping their eyes on her, probably a little stunned how can a person screams an aura you never want to mess with.
They didn’t know she is the mess itself right at that moment.
Jeongyeon took a sip from her glass of alcoholic drink as her eyes roamed around the area before possibly engaging herself to these people. Frankly, she’s aware of the malicious stares and hushed voices they throw at her. She sighed; she was here to drink and to forget anyway, not for them.
Suddenly, she felt her chest thumped hard and insistent as if her heart is about to burst out of her ribcage. Her eyes become frantic in searching for something or possibly someone, which causes her resting cardiac muscle to become wild.
It wasn’t that hard to figure out how her internal being automatically warned her for something that’s bound to happen, or at least, for someone who is at the same place as her. Because the moment when her eyes stop scanning the whole area, the way her heartbeat doubled made her catch her breath like she ran for thousands of miles.
With her back turned on Jeongyeon, a woman in her middle 20’s with long wavy brown hair that reaches her shoulders, white complexion, a little bit shorter than her in terms of height, clad in a sophisticated black lace dress was seen a few meters away from her.
Her hand holding the glass of liquor visibly shook on its own. With the fear of breaking it by losing her grip, she put it down on the table. As fast as she could, she turned around to go home before that woman can lay her eyes on her. She doesn’t want that, even the thought of them breathing the same air suffocates her.
The only mistake she did was she put down the glass carelessly, creating a loud thud enough for people nearby to hear. And that woman whipped her head into her direction.
“Jeongyeon?”
What the fuck.
She stopped on her tracks, almost too quick, like a kid who got caught stealing candies. After heaving out an exasperated sigh, she looked back at the woman who called her. The same woman who she was trying to forget, the same woman who was the reason for her sleepless nights, drunken moments, and endless regrets. The same woman who left her without any reason and explanations.
Im Nayeon.
“What are you doing here?” Nayeon slowly took a step towards Jeongyeon, with a faint sly smile showing up in her red painted lips and recognition in her fierce eyes.
On the other hand, Jeongyeon’s breathing hitched at the sight of Nayeon strutting towards her, still breath-taking as before, still the most cunning woman she ever met, still the same woman who made her experience euphoria and misery at the same time.
“Just... grabbed a few drinks.” She almost cursed herself in front of her ex for stuttering a little bit. She wasn’t like this until Nayeon came.
The other woman grinned without taking off her eyes at Jeongyeon, and unknowingly she did the same. She doesn’t understand how come she’s still staring at Nayeon, when everything in her shouts to do exactly the opposite.
“Wanna play beer pong?” Nayeon leaned against the beer pong table while waiting for her answer. And that was the sign for Jeongyeon to leave. Although Nayeon’s invitation could probably mean nothing less, her suppressed smirk and body language tell Jeongyeon otherwise. Especially that out of the people near them, she’s the one who knows Nayeon more.
“No. I’m going home.” Jeongyeon politely declined and distanced herself from the walking heartache in front of her.
“Come on, Jeongie,” the audacity of this woman to call me that, she thought. Nayeon annoyingly giggled. “A little game won’t hurt, you know?”
“No, really. But I need to go home.” Call her rude or whatever, Jeongyeon doesn’t care anymore. So she gave Nayeon her forced tight-lipped smile and turned around. But the next thing happened was so damn expected Jeongyeon cannot move for a second.
“Don’t tell me you’re still bitter after all this time?”
Jeongyeon heaved out a frustrated sigh. She cannot believe how this woman can be that thirsty for attention to the point she can humiliate someone she knew. Yes, they’re exes but Jeongyeon thought it was definitely unnecessary.
It was just a fucking beer pong game.
She swiftly made her turn and stared at Nayeon with a smug look and knowing smirk on her face. It annoys Jeongyeon so much she could have sworn to do anything to wipe it off.
“Let me go while I’m still asking nicely, Nayeon.” The danger and threat in Jeongyeon’s voice were evident, Nayeon was indeed sure. But little did they know, she felt like she’s gonna throw up her insides anytime soon due to the proximity of their faces to each other.
The idea of inching close to Nayeon was unknown for Jeongyeon, to be honest. Does she want to emphasize her argument for Nayeon to let her go? Or she just wanted to take a closer look at Nayeon after being away for the longest time?
Confusion took over her, with a hint of annoyance, frustration, and pain. Maybe it was just the alcohol doing the work, she thought.
Nayeon sarcastically laughed. “I already let you go a long time ago, didn’t I?”
The attempt to look the strongest in front of the same person who made you the weakest crumbled at Jeongyeon’s feet in an instant. She knew everything in Nayeon was unpredictable, but she didn’t expect she’d be that insensitive.
How can she say something like this, as if they didn’t adore each other at their fullest before things turned upside down?
Blinking away the tears that started to pool in her eyes was the only thing she can do at that moment. The pain she cradled for the past few weeks started to wake up in her system from her chest until the tips of her being. She cannot afford to lose herself in front of someone who doesn’t really care about her feelings anymore.
She stood up straight while looking at Nayeon. “Fine. Just one game.”
Nayeon beamed like a kid and Jeongyeon almost gave up on her knees. “I knew you would eventually give in.”
Exactly, but why is Jeongyeon still questioning herself what she signed up into?
She’s always been that fool for Nayeon.
As both of them walked towards the two opposite ends of the table to start playing, Jeongyeon heard someone asked Nayeon who she was for her to talk to Nayeon just like that. Apparently, Nayeon was a regular in the club Sana owns, and almost everyone knows and respects her.
All of her intention not to continue eavesdropping flew out of the window when she heard Nayeon laughed. “Oh, she’s just my ex. Don’t mind her.”
It was the first blow for her aching heart and ripped soul. She was just an ex for Nayeon. Someone who used to be her lover, someone who used to cook breakfast for her and eat dinner with at the end of the day, someone who she used to put first before anything else.
Today, she was just someone else she used to know.
Jeongyeon’s deadly stares lingered at Nayeon who was laughing with someone else at the end of the table. She cannot entirely believe what she just heard. A tiny bit of spark started in her chest which she doesn’t know if it meant to hurt or anger her.
The grip at the glass she’s holding tightens, almost to the point it can actually be deformed if it’s malleable enough. How can that woman invite her for a game then continues to gossip at other people?
The disrespect she got in a span of few minutes was beyond belief.
Nayeon turned to Jeongyeon unbothered, looked at her directly in the eyes while playing the ping pong ball for a few seconds using her slender fingers. The taller woman held her gaze like she was the strongest one between them.
How incredible of Jeongyeon to withstand Nayeon’s stares with those wobbly knees.
“Why don’t we put a little twist to our little game?” Nayeon gently threw the ping pong ball upwards and catch it immediately without looking away. Jeongyeon responded to her with silence, and she took it as a signal to continue. “Shoot the ball to get me to drink the beer and you can ask a question.”
From a creased eyebrow, Jeongyeon shot up to hers almost immediately at the thought of her asking Nayeon anything. She held herself back from celebrating or asking any further about her little twist because Nayeon might take it back. Despite numerous emotions flooding her that moment, she remained stoic.
“Call.”
Beers were poured and cups were arranged at the table that separates them from each other. The people gathered around them cheered a little too loud for Jeongyeon’s liking, but enough for Nayeon to be giddy because of the attention she gets.
For the last time, Jeongyeon questioned herself why is she trapped in that situation. She just knew this is gonna be a long night than usual.
Of all the things she could have done before throwing out the tiny ball, Nayeon smirked, as if letting the other woman know she won’t have a chance to ask a question. But to her dismay and surely Jeongyeon’s relief, she missed.
The people gathered around them started to tease how fidgety Nayeon got about having her ex-girlfriend around because she rarely missed a shot every time she plays. She didn’t comment much about it but clicked her tongue out of annoyance.
Jeongyeon tried so hard to hide her smirk because it was too early to celebrate Nayeon’s failure at her first attempt. The assurance she can shoot the ball was nowhere to be found, especially all she does whenever she plays beer pong is to cheat.
Surprisingly, Jeongyeon had the ball inside the red cup in the middle. She gets to asked Nayeon.
Everyone else near the area fell silent as Jeongyeon stood straight and looked at the hissing Nayeon. The annoyance she tried to mask off earlier was now more evident. She doesn’t understand why people didn’t mutter anything. Are they that thirsty to learn about other people’s businesses?
“Where did you go when you left that night?”
Right off the bat, Jeongyeon threw the question she was meaning to ask the other woman. She was hurt, alright, but the thought of Nayeon being somewhere else she doesn’t have any idea of worried her so much.
The pain that marked Jeongyeon when Nayeon left was still there, but she still chooses to understand despite the low probability of getting the answers she wanted.
Bewilderment took over Nayeon’s face the moment she heard her question. A part of her may expect Jeongyeon to ask something like this, but she didn’t expect to be that straight to the point, considering how soft-hearted Jeongyeon is for her.
Maybe pain really changes people.
Nayeon scoffed and grabbed the red cup filled with beer. “You don’t need to know.”
“Of course I need to know. You suddenly left home without any warning!” Jeongyeon retorts back; with her voice laced with accusation and pent up anger. She exhaled, tried to calm herself down because their little game just started.
“You don’t care.” Nayeon dodged the stinging question she knew might go after her when the night ends. For her, leaving it unanswered was the right response. It has been weeks since they were apart. What was the use of bringing it back again?
Without further ado, she tossed the ball and it landed pretty smooth on the first red cup in Jeongyeon’s arrangement.
“What about you? What did you do after I left? Drown yourself with beers and burn your lungs with cigars?” All the drunken people that surrounded them cheered for Nayeon because they think she really did something when in fact, her sarcasm only cause more inevitable pain towards Jeongyeon.
The insensitivity that grew on Nayeon left Jeongyeon impaired so much.
“You can’t ask the same questions.” She answered in a hushed voice but still made sure Nayeon can sense the conviction she laced on it. Her chest tightens as she sees her unaffected.
“Of course I can, Jeongie.” Nayeon sweetly remarked, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She took a sip of vodka from the glass a friend handed to her while watching Jeongyeon’s facial features get crumpled. “No rules are still rules.”
Unexpectedly, Jeongyeon answered without missing a beat.
“Yes.” Everyone in the same area as theirs fell into an awkward silence. She answered a single word after swallowing a big lump stuck in her throat. “I waited for you to come back.”
Her chest started rising up and down to tone down the stabbing pain that continues to grow as the memories of her waiting for Nayeon rushes back in. From the moment she literally cries herself to sleep, asking what she did wrong only to wake up and drink to go back to sleep again, from trying so hard not to see all the things they did in that unit, from hoping that everything was just a nightmare.
She indeed waited for her, only to have nothing in return.
What Jeongyeon said wasn’t that hard to comprehend, considering what they had before but it actually left Nayeon tongue-tied for some reason. But no, it was not because of persisting feelings, but because of the way Jeongyeon sounded, like she lost all the care she had before.
Like she was entirely a different person.
Before committing in a relationship, Nayeon knew Jeongyeon as one of the most understanding people she ever knew. She chooses to understand others first, she chooses to settle issues in a peaceful way, she chooses people before herself. She chooses to be that kind of person.
Without a warning, Jeongyeon threw the ping pong ball after answering. When it successfully landed on the third cup in front of the cup arrangement, it snapped out Nayeon from her reverie and people around them started to cheer for Jeongyeon.
“My turn.” She faked a cough and sternly looked at the woman at the end of the table. There was an unnamed emotion flashed in her eyes and Jeongyeon would be dumb if she assumed it to be fear, panic, and unbelievably, pain. “What happened between us?”
The question lingered in the air can similarly be compared to an atomic bomb. It was dropped there and then without any caution, without any warning, and everyone else fell into silence as they were engulfed by fire and smoke, with nothing to put it out.
She ultimately grabbed this chance to understand what the hell happened before, and she wouldn't miss it for anything at this moment.
All she wanted was to know where it all went wrong.
“You can’t ask that,” Nayeon responded after a minute of stillness. Her aim to answer coolly was met, but the shaky movements of her hands lifting the red cup to her lips didn't remain unnoticed to Jeongyeon. The only possible reason Jeongyeon can deduce from that was the humiliation she brought. She cannot make any assumption that it was her feelings still.
Jeongyeon tilted her head and smiled a little. A faint sign of resignation was written all over her face, but she reminded herself that this is what she needed to stop being miserable. Her chest remained tightening. “No rules are still rules, Nabongs.”
The older woman’s breathing hitched. No one could have any idea if it was because of the context or the way she was called. Either way, Nayeon can still be seen exerting too much effort to stand passive, but Jeongyeon knew better.
It was the way Nayeon’s chest keep on rising up and down mirroring hers, trying to exhale all the emotions slowly building up in her system, her brown pools getting dark each second pass as she never looked away at Jeongyeon’s stares, her face with visible irritation and unspeakable hatred towards the situation. Jeongyeon saw it all.
“Let’s talk outside, Yoo Jeongyeon.” The loud thud created from slamming her hand on the table made all the people around them flinched except for Jeongyeon, for it somehow increased the tension that kept them awake. The finality and certainty in Nayeon’s voice brought more chaos at her awakening mind and heart, but at the same time, brought peace as well.
Suddenly, they found themselves in the middle of the parking lot where no one else was around. The sky painted with shades of dark colors, with a hint of blue as it was already dawn. As Jeongyeon taking steps to follow where Nayeon will lead them, her heart never calmed down at the thought of them being alone.
Few cars parked systematically, and the blinking lamp post several meters away from them was the only thing seen. The light doesn’t necessarily reach where they stopped, but Jeongyeon guessed the light coming from the moon that hovers above them was sufficient.
The younger woman stared at the eyes of her former lover, just like the same way she stared at her the night before she left.
Before she told her that they will never work out. That she was tired of what they have.
Jeongyeon instantly feels like everything happened before. From the way her heart beats it makes her tired, to the way the atmosphere was warning her to get ready for the things that could possibly hurt her.
From the way Nayeon stood in front of her with a firm drive because she knew what she wanted, to herself slowly breaking apart because she knew what she doesn't want to happen.
Like she has seen a film for the first time, but she got an idea that she will never like the ending.
“Why did you say that?!” The older woman’s voice raised an octave as she points a finger at Jeongyeon. Her eyebrows almost met in the middle, and her eyes were burning with anger. “Do you want the world to know that I left you? Are you asking for sympathy? Or perhaps, seeking stupid attention?”
Not gonna lie, Jeongyeon’s hands were itching to lay a hand on Nayeon. The guts of this woman to make her feel sorry when in fact, it was Jeongyeon who deserves an apology.
“What’s so wrong in asking for a valid reason?” She asked in a low voice. Again, she chooses to understand even though her heart has been broken for hundreds of pieces.
“There’s nothing—“
“Then tell me! I’m going insane every day thinking what was wrong with me, if I have ever done enough for the both of us.” The sudden outbursts she’s been holding on for so long erupted like a mad volcano, spewing fire at the woman in front of her. She exerted a lot of effort to keep her voice steady. With pursed lips, she asked. “Or maybe you already have someone else?”
“There was no one else, Jeongyeon!” Nayeon yelled almost automatically at the accusations thrown at her. She sighed heavily and shook her head. Her stares averted at the small stones near their feet. “You don't understand.”
“Then make me understand! Because I totally don’t get it.” She sighed, preventing the tears to fall. “We were okay, we were doing the things you love. And then suddenly you wanted to leave? You want to break up with me? What was that? Did I offend you? Are some of my shortcomings hurting you? What happen—”
“I’m not happy anymore!”
Silence followed. The silence she never liked, the silence that confuses her of the things she never once thought of, the silence that enveloped them with nothing but only torment.
Every attempt to look tough after hearing the words of someone who makes her weak crumbled at the simplest sentence she could possibly say at a time like this.
Jeongyeon and Nayeon first met when the younger woman was driving going back home in the opposite side of busy streets of Seoul. She somehow got lost after visiting her sister Chaeyoung’s new apartment, and there she was, in the middle of nowhere.
Only the headlights from her car were her source of light, and few meters away from her careful driving, she saw a lone woman covered in a thick coat. And as the most caring person as she is, Jeongyeon let the woman in and drove to the woman’s apartment.
Both of them got to know a little bit about each other. Jeongyeon would be lying if she says she didn’t enjoy Nayeon’s company in that short period of time. Mostly, they talked about everything under the sun as Jeongyeon thought her newfound friend could be a good one for the long haul.
Even though she herself got home right after sunrise, she thinks it was somehow worth it.
And after that day, they often meet to have either early breakfast at the nearest cafe or late dinner at a well-known resto-bar. The first few dates were friendly ones until they realized the sexual tension and yearning at the same time between them.
It was a little bit confusing at first, but the feelings growing inside them met halfway, and it always felt so right after.
Now, Jeongyeon cannot—or maybe, chose not to—understand how come they ended up in a situation like this.
Is love supposed to hurt this bad?
She doesn’t have any slightest idea because for all she knew was happiness whenever she’s with Nayeon. Maybe she became too selfish she didn’t notice how unhappy Nayeon got.
Was it her fault?
Nayeon continued. “I’m not happy anymore. It’s like I’m just obligated to stay with you because we’re together, because we’ve known each other for years, because we’re each other’s normalcy. But I’m not happy anymore.”
“Then tell me what can I do to bring us back?”
Blissful memories they made together zoomed in right before Jeongyeon’s eyes, like war flashbacks. Like the 25th hour or 61st second of a minute as they liked to call it. Because they firmly believed that their memories together were somewhere stuck in the concept called time, and it will always be there.
Every morning they wake up next to each other, Jeongyeon just thinks that if ever she could bring back time, she will gladly stop her car and let that lone woman hitched on her ride over and over again. She owed it all to her instincts of helping Nayeon.
Because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be in her position that moment, cuddled by the love she never knew she needed in a whole human form.
They would always share their breakfast in bed because Nayeon thought it was the sweetest.
They would sometimes drive through the city at night. With nothing to worry for, with nothing to overthink, with nothing but each other.
They would bake cookies because they don’t have any more movies to watch, or just because Nayeon craved for it.
They would play and sometimes make bets together where Jeongyeon purposely loses herself just to make Nayeon smile after winning. After all, is there anything Jeongyeon wanted more than seeing Nayeon beaming like a kid because of her?
She admired her smile; thinking it was the prettiest ray of sunshine, and she doesn’t mind getting blind.
Suddenly, Jeongyeon’s heart hurt so much remembering her favorite memory.
It was when they slowed dance in the middle of their living room. Lights were out; only candles with dancing flames that illuminate beautifully in their contented eyes were there. Opened pizza boxes and half-full soda cans they had delivered were left in the coffee table. The peace and tranquillity they both share were enough as their background music.
Mindless of the mess around them, they swayed their bodies together in the same rhythm their heart makes.
It was Jeongyeon’s favorite because all they did was to whisper sweet nothings, to create promises, to talk about the world where they have each other, to look at the eyes of one another and just laugh after because it was silly of them to wish that time would stop at that moment.
It was Jeongyeon’s favorite simply because they were sure that it was their own version of forever.
But maybe, she was a fool for not refraining herself from using a word she doesn’t entirely understand.
“You know what, Jeongyeon? One day, I woke up asking myself why I am even with you. I was looking for a reason and it baffles me because I got none. Like, if I get to answer my question considering what we actually have, I would say because of my feelings for you. But when I did try to answer it, there was nothing. I couldn’t find any. I guess you can say that’s also why I left you without any reason. Because I don’t have any reason at all. And I’m not happy about it.”
Nayeon’s steady voice brought her back to reality after a painful trip to memory lane. It somehow surprised her that the older woman cannot be seen bothered by the situation.
“You’re lying. Don’t worry, I’ll forgive you. Just... come back.” It may be a desperate move, but Jeongyeon doesn’t want to entirely believe everything she heard. Maybe there are some things she can do to make it right.
But how come something this difficult be right?
“No. I can’t. It’s not gonna work. We are not gonna work. Besides,” Nayeon sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t even love in the first place, who knows? Maybe I was just caught up in the way you take care of me. Maybe I just like the thrill and enjoyment of the ride, but not the destination itself.”
Her own thoughts and Nayeon’s words were like salt added to her injury. It stings, it hurts, it was everything that broke her all at once.
She can’t help but compare the way Nayeon looked at her before and the way she does at that moment. It was still the same dark brown pools she ever loved, but sadly it wasn’t the same for the other woman.
Everything has changed. Nayeon used to speak sweetly to her, now she doesn’t. Nayeon used to touch her lovingly, now all her touch causes pain to Jeongyeon. Nayeon used to fight for their relationship; now all that’s left was her.
It was more than difficult to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved because it was Jeongyeon herself who needed saving.
It was more than difficult to pull up something so heavy when the one you expect to help was the first one to drag it even lower.
It was more than difficult to give it a try for the nth time when you’re the only one left, the worse part is when trying doesn’t make anything better.
“What about all the memories? The 25th hour? The 61st second?” Her voice faltered. She cannot conceal the tears threatening to fall from her eyes anymore. Everything’s just throbbing awfully. “Nayeon, you can’t do this. What about me? Did you even consider how would I feel? What would happen to me?”
“Don’t make me feel guilty for choosing myself. Just... get over it. I know you can find someone else.” On the other hand, Nayeon doesn’t completely understand how can Jeongyeon let herself reveal in front of her, how can she still hold on to the things they did before when she can easily replace them, how can she beg for something she knows won't work. She remained firm with her decision. “It’s okay, just let go.”
“That’s it? Do you really expect me to just give up and say goodbye?” Jeongyeon’s arm limping on her side, with clenched fist too hard those crescent red marks can be made. Her core shook at the thought of Nayeon letting everything go as if they were nothing in the first place. “This isn’t what I thought of you.”
She was busy prioritizing her, making a better future where both of them would be there; creating more memories they would often go back into when they become old and wrinkly.
Unfortunately, Nayeon slowly fell out of her grasp because she cannot find any reason to stay.
Maybe Jeongyeon was just too careless not to notice the way Nayeon slowly slipped away from her before, like a quicksand slowly dragging her leg down, like water quickly spilling out of the spaces in between her fingers.
The way when she wakes up, it was just an empty space beside her because Nayeon got off early for work.
The way she eats her breakfast alone in the dining area because they eventually think that eating breakfast in bed can only cause a mess, knowing how playful they get sometimes.
The way Nayeon refused her invites for their routinely drive through the city at night during the most random moments because she got so tired from work she’d rather sleep.
The way they don’t get to bake cookies whenever they feel like it anymore because when Nayeon does, she just simply buy a cookie or any pastry from the nearby cafe.
The way they don’t play and make bets anymore so Jeongyeon doesn't have the chance to purposely lose just to make her laugh again and be blinded with her sunshine smile.
The way they don’t get to be sweet, like they just lay in the same bed with unspoken words around them, like they were just two strangers sharing the same bed, the same unit, the same space around them.
The way every time Nayeon tells her she loves her, the spark in her eyes, the natural smile she gives, the language of love meant to make her feel at ease became entirely different from what she remembered it to be.
The way Nayeon just stopped in the middle of their journey, leaving Jeongyeon abandoned in the middle of nowhere.
It never crossed Jeongyeon’s mind that Nayeon stayed for a while because she needed to, because it was what they agreed on, or worse, maybe because of pity. Because for crying out loud, Jeongyeon could have sworn she did every little thing for that love to remain and she never wished for anything more.
“When you say you love me, do you mean a little less every time?”
She never expected to get hurt in many different ways in just one night. Maybe if she just spent the night sulking in their old room and didn’t get out, maybe if she didn’t give in to a complete stranger’s request, maybe if she could just accept everything sooner.
In the last string of hope dangling around Jeongyeon’s fingers slowly falling to the cold hard ground, she waited for Nayeon’s answer. The words she heard coming out of the person she expects to deny her question made her heart bathe in pure agony.
“I’m sorry. I’m not what you signed up for.”
Without any effort to prevent herself from getting exposed in front of the love of her life, without minding looking all so vulnerable after a long time, warm tears slowly escaped out of her tired, hollow eyes. She just loved raw and pure and real, but maybe it wasn't for them.
“Too bad, I was ready to risk it all for you.”
Nayeon simply shrugged her shoulders, as she, too, was getting tired and bored and possibly annoyed at the things Jeongyeon told her. She knew she can’t do anything about it because, after all, Jeongyeon was just someone she used to be with.
For her, it does not really matter anymore.
In a swift move, Nayeon turned around and started walking to go back to the club, away from the parking lot, away from her past completely, away from Jeongyeon.
Jeongyeon.
The one who was left hanging, the one who can’t step forward, the one who keeps getting haunted.
The heavy emotional ache in her heart drowns her completely she cannot breathe, it burns her she cannot recognize herself anymore; it stabbed her she barely gets out of it alive.
It was terrifying as she didn’t avert her gaze from the love she once had, getting exiled out of her life permanently.