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When Tommy was invited to join the Dream SMP, he pogged for hours.
That’s a lie. He pogged for five minutes and then immediately joined the server, ready to commit crimes.
In retrospect, he probably should have gone to sleep first. He had already been streaming for three hours when he was invited, and it showed. That day, Tommy learned two things about his persona when tired: first, that he found people getting mad at him very funny, and second, that he had an innate need to call people a bitch.
Tommy speedran annoying people until they cracked, and he was pretty sure that Dream was his world record.
The results of the stream were only mostly intentional. He had expected most of the big players on the SMP to turn against him eventually, but he hadn’t expected it to happen that quickly.
But hey, at least the stream was funny.
His reward for all of his hard work, all of the content that he produced, was this: he had two enemies, one woman who he had not yet proven himself superior to, and one Sapnap (and Tommy was deeply suspicious of his motives).
And Ponk. Tommy was pretty sure that Ponk had been there too. He added another name to his list of enemies.
It was time to call in reinforcements.
“Oh, Dream!”
A deep sigh. “What do you want, Tommy?”
“I have prepared a speech!”
“Oh, really? What’s it about?”
“I don’t exactly know how to say this, but, well. I have this friend! Named Tubbo, Tubbo Underscore on Twitch! And I would like him to be added to your server, because I think he’s cool and we’re very funny together and you would like him too, I’m pretty sure, his persona’s nicer than mine and we balance each other out. But the adding is something that only you can do, because you are what is known as a control freak, so I figured that I should probably give you some time to think about it.”
There was a long pause. Tommy waited, more nervous than he would ever admit. Tubbo was his best friend, and he had put a lot of thought into which of his friends he should try to get added first.
“That’s it? That’s your big speech?”
“Well, admittedly, I didn’t go exactly according to the script, but I thought it was pretty— hey! Stop laughing! I put time and effort into this, you know!”
Dream gave one final wheeze. “We do need someone to help keep you under control. Just for you, Tommy— just for you, I’ll check this Tubbo guy out.”
Tubbo did not help keep Tommy under control. In fact, he did rather the opposite.
This was the intention.
It had only taken Dream a few hours to approve of Tubbo’s addition to the server. Tommy had predicted that Dream would like him, and he did. Tubbo was sweet, friendly, and great at Minecraft in all of the areas that Dream struggled in, like building and redstone. Once Tommy had pointed Tubbo out, he knew that Dream would basically have to add him, for the sake of the server as a whole and his own sanity.
Dream had forgotten to account for Tubbo’s fierce loyalty and his chaotic streak. He was, after all, a friend of Tommy first and foremost.
In his first few days on the server, Tubbo had charmed every member of the Dream Team, started a few massive building and farm projects that he clearly cared deeply about, and personally killed and then scammed Dream (with much assistance from Tommy, of course).
Before Tubbo’s addition, Tommy was a force of chaos.
Afterwards, he was unstoppable.
Dream had soon gathered what was objectively way too many channel points on Tubbo’s Twitch, and he enjoyed every second that he spent gathering them. He also swore to himself that he would never, ever let Tommy pick who to add to the server again.
“Dream, my friend. I have a… proposition for you.”
“Tommy, I am not giving you admin on the server.”
“No, this time it’s a serious one, I swear.”
“Okay, fine. What is this very serious proposition that you have?”
“Okay, so you know how you added Tubbo? Which was very cool and PogChamp of you, by the way, and thank you for that! However. I was thinking that, since you adding him worked out really very well, you could do that again!”
Dream didn’t even pause for a moment to think about it, the bastard. “Tommy, no. I’m not going to just— just add all of your friends to my Minecraft server.”
“You added all of your friends!”
“I added my friends because I know my friends, Tommy. I know that they won’t kill the server.”
“Well, just listen to me, then! If that’s what you’re worried about, then I can ease your fears.”
“How many times do I have to tell you no before you shut up?”
“Excellent question! I will never shut up! And, as I was saying, the person who I want to add will not kill the server, and I know this because they are quite well-known for doing the opposite! They’re funny and they always bring drama to servers, drama that an up-and-coming server like yours needs!”
“Tommy, you cause plenty of drama already.”
“There could always be more—”
“If you tell me that you want Schlatt on, I will block you.”
“Um. Well.” There was a pause. “We’ll just have to come back to that one, then! However, I have a backup plan, Dream. Have you heard of Wilbur Soot?”
“Have I— Tommy, that better be a rhetorical question.”
“... what does that mean?”
Tommy had thought that he was a force to be reckoned with when he had only Tubbo on his side, but he had greatly underestimated his own power.
When Wilbur joined, he could talk about drugs! He could commit crimes and escape punishment, because Wilbur was good at that sort of thing!
Dream told Tommy that he was only letting Wilbur in because he was an adult who, in his exact words, “already knew exactly how to deal with Tommy’s bullshit”. Dream, apparently, had yet to realize that the most effective way of dealing with Tommy’s bullshit was joining in and helping to control the bit.
Tommy didn’t look forward to the day that happened. Things would be a lot less funny if Dream decided to try controlling his bits.
Wilbur didn’t come onto the server often, though he was in voice calls on the Discord most days. He never streamed his adventures on the SMP (to be fair, most of his adventures were building a small, ball-shaped house, which probably wasn’t enough to sustain a two-hour stream).
In Tommy’s eyes, this disturbing lack of Wilbur Soot meant one thing and one thing only.
More content was needed.
“Dream, have you heard of jsch—”
“No.”
“You haven’t? Fucking hell, Dream, he made A Tribute to Minecraft! You better watch him! I knew that you had no taste! My Twitter followers are going to love to hear about how much taste you don’t have, Dream.”
“Tommy, you’re an idiot.”
“Yeah? And you’re a liar!”
“I’m still not adding him.”
TommyInnit was used to many things. He was used to being the butt of the joke. He was used to his friends waging war against him. He was even used to being blocked on Twitter.
He was not used to failure.
He begged Tubbo and Wilbur to support him in his quest to add jschlatt to the Dream SMP, but Tubbo wasn’t exactly a master of persuasion and Wilbur laughed and said that Schlatt wouldn’t join anyway.
Tommy was bored of starting wars. He wanted to start business. In his past experiences, business had inevitably led to war, but the past wasn’t necessarily an indication of the future. He wanted— no, he needed— to train with a master businessman and funny guy so that he could stop recreating SMP Earth.
To play with Schlatt would be to ascend. Tommy was sure of it.
In Tommy’s mind, a backup plan began to form.
“Hello, Sapnap.” Tommy kept his voice as calm as possible. In order to strike a deal of this magnitude, he had to play his cards right. He had to remain serious and very, very adult.
“Hey, Tommy.”
“So. I’ve heard that you have a thing for drugs.” Tommy dropped his voice to a whisper on the last word.
“Perhaps, Tommy. I can neither confirm nor deny that I love drugs.”
Sapnap didn’t always go along with Tommy’s bits, but he did always go along with the ones related to drugs. Tommy was beginning to worry about the man.
“Well, Sapnap, what if I told you that I have so many drugs? And they could be yours!”
“Oooooh… tell me more, Tommy!”
“I have one thing for you to do, and then all of the drugs will be yours.”
“What?”
“Whitelist Schlatt!”
Sapnap stopped laughing. “Tommy, you know I can’t do that, even as part of the joke. Dream trusts me, and that’s probably going too far.”
“But you could, couldn’t you?”
“Tommy, what are you talking about? I just told you that I couldn’t.”
“You have the power to whitelist! You admitted it to me, Sapnap! You told me so yourself! Oh Sapnap, oh Sapnap…”
Sapnap suddenly sounded very, very tired. “I’m absolutely screwed now, right?”
“Of course not, Sapnap! I think that you and I will have a very fun week! In fact, I would even say that I’m looking forward to it!”
Tommy liked to be nice to people, he really did. He knew that, once all of this was over, he and Sapnap would probably spend a lot of time just chilling on call together. He really liked Sapnap’s sense of humor.
Unfortunately, there were greater battles to be fought.
Sapnap lasted three days. Tommy was impressed by his ability to tune him out.
The hours that Schlatt was on the server were some of the best of Tommy’s life. They were worth every bit of work that Tommy did to make them happen.
They were even worth dealing with the Twitter hashtag that spawned from them, though Tommy was less sure about that part.
Also, the hashtag got Dream’s attention, which got Schlatt kicked. Fucking snitches.
Dream was frustrated with him, though if he looked carefully Tommy could see that he was also a little bit impressed with the lengths he was willing to go to. At least, Tommy was pretty sure that he wasn’t imagining that part.
Dream’s approval no longer mattered to him, though. Tommy was a businessman now! Not only that, but Wilbur was joining the server basically every day!
Tommy stared out of his base at the cuck shed, which had been wrought by his own schemes. He placed a warning sign in front of it and swore to defend it with his life.
Wilbur was speaking about more than drugs, now. He was speaking about war.
War because of drugs, yes, but that only made it funnier and more dramatic.
For Tommy, the war was about more than drugs. He had spent hours on call with people who didn’t even want him there in order to get Schlatt added.
He would fight a war to get him back.
Even better, Tommy had a perfect new soldier in mind.
“Tubbo, I want to tell you about a promising young man named Jack Manifold.”
“Oh! I know him! We’re friends with him, Tommy!”
“Jesus Christ, Tubbo, go with the bit.”
“Sorry. Who’s Jack Manifold?”
“He is beyond my description. You should watch his stuff. The most important thing about him, though, is that he wants onto the Dream SMP.”
“Wait, if you’re not going to describe him anyways, why am I pretending not to know who he is?”
“Oh, Tubbo, Tubbo. It’s practice for the bit we’ll do when he’s whitelisted, obviously.”
“Hell yeah, that’s sick! I have no clue who Jack Manifold is!”
“There’s only one issue. Dream won’t let him in, he’s still mad about Schlatt.”
Tubbo groaned, then suddenly stopped. “I think I have a plan, Tommy. I think that we can take the green bastard down.”
“I have a plan too, Tubbo, that’s why I need your help! Your plans are usually bad, anyways.”
“Can I tell you, though? Please? I promise it’s good.”
“Fine, fine. Make it quick, though. For my plan to work we have to jump into action.”
Tubbo was silent for a long time. Tommy made a mental note to talk with him about the definition of the word quick.
When he spoke again, his voice was low and dramatic.
“Tommy, I believe it is time that we take out the TwitLonger Bow.”
They were going with Tubbo’s plan. Tommy was sure to make fun of him even more than usual, so that he didn’t get cocky.
Somehow, getting a hashtag trending on Twitter was easier than talking to Dream. The issue had been brought to Dream’s attention in a sufficiently dramatic manner. Tommy had seen Dream bow to the will of the Twitter stans once before, and he had no doubt that it would happen again if everything went according to plan.
Once that part was done, it was a simple matter of fighting an entire war.
Thankfully, Wilbur was the one who was doing most of the talking to Dream during it.
If you asked anyone but Tommy, the war was being fought for freedom from tyranny and human rights (or, if you asked players on the other side, over drugs and a misunderstanding of how servers were run). Tommy would list all of those things, too, of course. He believed in the glory of his cause as much as anyone else.
However, he would also mention two names: Schlatt and Jack Manifold.
Schlatt, who he needed back. Ever since Dream had destroyed the cuck shed in a fit of rage, the war had involved him in Tommy’s mind.
Jack Manifold, who Tommy wanted to be here. He wanted Jack to stand beside him and Tubbo, looking on in horror as Dream destroyed their walls and their land. He wanted Jack to yell at Eret when the betrayal was revealed. More than anything, he wanted Jack to celebrate with the rest of his friends when everything was over. When Wilbur and Tubbo and Fundy cheered, Tommy wanted Jack to join them.
They had lost, but they had fought well. Tommy, especially, had fought well. He had mastered his bits and given up his most prized possessions, all for L’Manburg.
His sacrifice was rewarded when Dream logged on, typed a single sentence, and logged off.
“Thunder1408 whitelisted.”
Jack Manifold fit in well on the server. In fact, he fit in better than Tommy would have liked. It was clear that, in the world of the SMP, Thunder1408 could not be trusted. He was swayed by money and by clout, and Dream had both in spades.
Tommy was proud of himself for choosing the perfect person to add, but he also hoped that Jack could be more loyal. Strange things happened when people came into contact with the green man, and everyone but Tommy seemed to abandon their morals under his watchful gaze.
Dream, on the other hand, seemed to really be enjoying himself, despite the fact that he was practically throwing money away in pursuit of Jack’s heart.
Bastard.
“Hey, Dream, when will you add Big Q to the server?”
“Who’s that?”
“How don’t you know?”
“Tommy, it’s not his real name. How could you possibly expect me to know?”
“Fucking— it’s Quackity, Dream! When are you adding him?”
“... I can do it right now if you want.”
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, what’s his Minecraft username?”
Tommy was pretty sure that he had more power than anyone had been planning to give to him. In fact, he was pretty sure that he had more power than any other sixteen-year-old on the planet.
He was ready to abuse it as much as possible.