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Sometimes Rin wondered if it was all a mistake, that he should have never let it go this far.
Itoshi Rin was born without a soul mark.
There is nothing, not even a single letter, written on either of his wrists. No matter how many times he checked it, he could only see sheer blue veins running across his wrist like a branching river. It confused him when he was little. His parents, his brother, everyone he had ever met has it, even if it was just a mere “Ah!” like what is written on his neighbor’s skin.
Back then, he wondered what the universe was trying to tell him; that there is not a soul in this earth that is bound to his? That he was destined to live his life loveless and alone?
His mother scolded him when he asked her about it. “Not that many people were born without a soul mark, but you’re not the only one, okay?” she said as she cupped his cheeks. He only nodded in response, he was only five, anyway. It wasn’t like he understood all about being in love, or about having another soul being bound to yours.
It didn't matter. It wasn't like Rin had time to think about destiny or romance.
He spent his days studying, going to student council meetings, working out, and going to soccer practices. He was the number one student in his entire grade, and he would like to keep it that way. His brother just recently got accepted into one of the most prestigious universities in the world, so Rin has been working harder than ever, aiming to surpass him. He was determined to not let any distraction come in the way of him putting all his efforts to reach his goal.
That was, until one Friday afternoon when his teacher called him and asked him a certain favor; to tutor Bachira Meguru in English.
It was the beginning of the mess he had gotten himself entangled in.
Truly, Rin never thought he would end up like this. Before Rin became Bachira’s tutor, Bachira Meguru was just his classmate. In fact, if someone asked Rin to describe Bachira, the first thing that would come to his mind was the word irritating. Bachira Meguru with his bowl-cut hair, Bachira Meguru who is overly playful, Bachira Meguru who always sleeps in class. The mere thought of having to spend more time with the boy used to make the sides of Rin’s temples ache.
He didn’t expect the long hours he spent tutoring Bachira would result in him actually getting to know the other boy better.
It was surprising, truly. He and Bachira were like the moon and the sun; no one would think that they would have so many things in common, especially not Rin himself. The revelations surprised him more than anybody else; small things like how Bachira also can’t handle spicy foods, or how Bachira, like himself, is also lactose intolerant. How Bachira too only lives with his mother and talks as if his father is inexistent. How Bachira also really likes soccer.
Greeting him every morning, going to him whenever he has difficulties in class, texting him the most random and unimportant things whenever he was feeling bored. Bachira barged his way into Rin's life. Rin wasn’t even sure how it happened. A few weeks into their sessions, they found out that they didn’t live too far away from each other and started walking back together. It somehow became a part of their routine; tutoring sessions after school, walking back home together, maybe grabbing a quick bite to eat on their way if they felt hungry. Along the way, Rin realized he no longer felt any dread towards the idea of spending more time with the other boy.
He tried not to think about it.
He tried not to think about it as he realized that he no longer minded Bachira’s attention on him or his presence accompanying him even though he used to avoid the boy at all costs outside of their tutoring sessions. He tried not to think about it as he slowly came to expect Bachira to greet him every morning, or as he who used to always ignore most people’s texts slowly started replying to Bachira’s more and more, or how hard it was to take his eyes off Bachira when he smiled as the setting sun shone from behind him, or the way lately he needed to keep his lips from forming a smile whenever he’s around the presence of the other boy.
And then one day, Bachira kissed him.
They were walking home together, Rin had just finished a soccer practice that lasted longer than usual and Bachira had stayed longer in class working on a group project. The street was quiet, and the sky was coated in warm orange hues of the threatening dusk. It was awfully hot that day, and the upcoming summer made the air thick and humid. He had changed back from his jersey to his uniform so that he would feel a little less gross, but the residues of sweat on his skin still felt sticky against the fabric of his clothing. Rin picked up his pace, he just wanted to go home and take a clean thorough shower.
Bachira didn't say a word as he walked slightly behind him, which was unusual, but Rin was too tired to think about it or to strike up a conversation himself (not that he normally does that). Rin’s body relaxed a little as they started to enter smaller streets where the buildings shrouded them from the sun, making the air feel a little cooler. They kept walking in silence until they reached the intersection where they usually part ways in. Rin turned his head to nod a goodbye at Bachira when the other boy suddenly grabbed his collar, pulling Rin’s face closer to his.
Rin's eyes widened slightly, Bachira stopped when his nose was only a few centimeters away from touching Rin’s. “Rin-chan,” he muttered, “Can I kiss you?”
Rin was startled. He never thought of himself as someone who can easily be caught off guard, but at that moment, he felt the gears inside his brain failing to work. He could feel Bachira's own breathing against his skin as Bachira's eyes looked straight into his own. It was alluring, in a way. Rin found himself slowly closing his eyes and tilting his head, allowing Bachira to press his lips against his.
It was only brief, just a peck. When Bachira leaned away, Rin could see the shy smile on his face, cheeks the shade of a ripe tomato. It’s a strange look on him, Rin noted, but somehow, he couldn’t take his eyes off the boy’s face. “See you tomorrow,” Bachira said, before walking away. Rin stood in place as he watched Bachira’s back get further and further away from him. When the bowl-cut haired boy was finally a good hundred meters away from him, his eyes widened in surprise. Realizations suddenly dawned on him.
See, Itoshi Rin never really thought about romance.
He doesn’t have a soul mark, so unlike everybody else who does, he didn’t have to worry about finding his one and only soulmate, didn't have to pay attention to the first words of every stranger he encountered. Of course, he had imagined himself being in a romantic relationship, once or twice. But he always thought that if he were to fall in love with someone, it would be with someone who is also without a soul mark. The idea of entering a relationship with someone who most likely would leave you one day always seemed like a waste of time for him.
But what happened is that he didn’t kiss someone without a soul mark, he kissed Bachira. He kissed the boy whose existence used to irritate him to no end. He kissed the one who somehow, as much as Rin would love to deny it, he had slowly but surely warmed up to. He kissed someone with black writing on his wrist, a writing that is clearly not the first words Rin uttered to him.
Rin felt dizzy, he crouched down, burying his face on his palms. He took a deep breath in, exhaled it, and repeated the process a few times until he felt the buzzing inside his head calm down. He looked around the street to see if anyone was around. He felt silly, he was grateful that there was nobody else around to witness him, the number one student in his school, crouching out of nowhere. After a few moments, Rin finally stood up and continued walking. I’m overthinking this, he thought to himself, it doesn’t have to mean a thing, and it won’t happen again.
But the next day, Bachira pulled his face closer again. And Rin, once more, closed his eyes, tilted his head, and returned the kiss.
It wasn’t unheard of. He knew that sometimes people with soul marks would still date other people before they meet their soulmate. But of course, once the permanently inked words on their wrist roll out of someone’s tongue upon first meeting, they would leave their partner to have a waltz of destiny with the one true person the universe had picked for them. Rin never thought that he, of all people, would get entangled in such a thing.
But Bachira’s pupils were like an endless abyss and his intense gaze felt like it was prodding into Rin’s soul. Rin felt himself giving in again and again and again, until one day he realized that the one foot he had dipped was already in too deep.
Bachira’s laugh started becoming a tune more pleasing to him than any music that existed, and each time they were in the same room as each other, his gaze automatically turned towards the boy, trying to bask in his presence and burn the picture of his smile on the surface of his brain. Rin had always preferred solitude, he always thought that spending a big portion of his free time with other people won’t benefit him in any way, but the warmth he felt whenever he’s around Bachira betrayed those thoughts. He wanted to laugh at himself, him who tried his hardest not to fall but ended up falling anyway.
It has been more than one year since Bachira kissed him. More than a year since he let himself be caught up in this mess. He thought that his relationship with Bachira would be a distraction and an obstacle that would get in the way of his routines and hard work, but surprisingly, nothing much changed. He still aced all his exams, still won soccer games, still the number one student in his grade.
But there was one problem.
They were only a few weeks away from graduation. Rin had been accepted into the university he was aiming for, and in around two months, he would be moving out of the country because of it. It was good, it was great. This was what he had spent hours and hours studying every day for. His life was going according to his plan. Things were slowly falling into place, except, it somehow wasn’t. There was something that has been bugging his mind lately.
It has something to do with Bachira and the writing on his wrist, or rather, the person whose Bachira’s soul is supposedly bound to. Soon, they will graduate. Rin knew that a lot of people met their soulmates at university, or during the time they were in university. He wondered if Bachira would break things off with him. The thought of it makes the insides of his stomach churn, but he hasn’t been able to get it out of his head for the past few weeks no matter how hard he tried. The thought has been violently swirling inside his head like ices during a blizzard. He knew it from the start, getting involved with someone with a soul mark could never last a long time. It was bound to only be temporary. It was bound to end sooner or later.
But the thought of Bachira leaving him left his body cold and hollow. He wasn’t sure which one he preferred; Bachira ending things before he left, or them continuing their relationship until one day Bachira encounters his soulmate and break things off with him through a text. The first option seemed like the better one, it seemed like it would hurt less, but Rin was selfish. He wanted to spend more time with Bachira, to feel the warmth filling up his chest at the sight of the other boy, for as long as he can have him.
Rin tried to calm his mind.
Rin knew he made a mistake ever since he let Bachira kiss him the second time. He had prepared himself for the eventual end of their relationship. He had been careful; rejecting many of Bachira's hangout offers, not letting Bachira phone call him, and doing many other things that would prevent him from falling even deeper. He feared that the more memories he made with Bachira, the worse their eventual parting will hurt. He would only allow himself the luxury of walking back from school together, maybe stopping by some places on their way home. He knew he was being hypocritical, he wanted to spend more time with him, yet he did all of these. Contradicting himself had never been one of Rin's characteristics, Bachira Meguru has been the only one that has ever made Rin feel this way.
The way Bachira has been acting differently lately didn’t help him at all too.
Rin stared at the pavement below his feet. He was walking home together with Bachira, the other boy was ranting about the weekend he had at his grandma’s in the countryside, specifically about his grandma’s neighbor who is a middle-aged man who has many different animals living with him inside his two-bedroom house. Rin made a hum of acknowledgment every now and then to let Bachira know he was listening, but in truth, his mind has been wandering elsewhere.
This was the first time they walked back together in a while.
It was around three weeks ago when it first started. It wasn’t as if they would walk back together every single day, but there has never been a single week where they didn’t do it at least twice ever since this routine of theirs started. Rin and Bachira were assigned to different classes for their senior year, so after school, they would wait for the other near the entrance gate and walk together from there.
Three weeks ago, Bachira said that his teacher wanted to talk to him about something and told Rin to head home first. The next day, he said that his mom had given him an entire week-long errand to do after school so he couldn't walk back together with him for a couple of days. And then Bachira just kept giving him excuses after excuses, his texts got shorter and shorter too.
Rin was pretty sure Bachira was lying. No, he knew the other boy was lying. It went for three weeks straight, for God’s sake. And it wasn’t as if they had a fight or anything, it just happened out of nowhere.
For three weeks, they didn’t walk back together, and Bachira didn’t text him as much. For three weeks, Rin’s head has been aching at the unwanted thoughts of the impending end of their relationship. He knew it was coming sooner or later, but his heart ached anyway. He didn’t understand why Bachira felt the need to lie. Was he trying to distance himself from Rin right before breaking things off?
It went for three weeks, until today. He was walking out of the school building when he saw Bachira standing beside the school gate. Bachira grinned and waved at him before running up to Rin. He walked right beside him as if nothing had happened in the past three weeks. Rin wondered if there truly was something wrong or if he had only been overthinking it, but the rush of relief inside his brain at the fact that they were back to their routine quickly washed the thought away. Until Bachira told him that they should take the long way around.
“We haven’t spent time together lately,” Bachira said with a smile. Which was true, but Rin knew better.
If Bachira wanted to spend more time with him, he would just ask him to hang out with him at one of the benches at the park, or at the quiet café shop at the corner of the street near the train station. The longer way around is through large streets filled with busy stores and offices and around this hour, there would be a crowd of people filling up the sidewalks in that area. Bachira may seem like a loud person, but he had said to him that he’s not a big fan of overly bustling streets and places that are too crowded. They had never walked back through the longer route before, not until today.
Which was why Rin couldn’t focus on the story Bachira has been telling him for the past ten minutes. Something was going on. And Rin wasn’t dumb, he noticed how Bachira’s laugh was a little forced today. His laugh was airy, it lacked the slightly high pitch that made the laugh so pleasant in Rin's ears. His pace was a little slower too, he walked as if he has a weight chained on his ankle.
The two of them turned left at the end of the bustling street and entered a quieter area. After a few minutes, Bachira’s story came to an end. The two walked side by side without uttering a single word. Spending their time together in silence wasn’t that unusual for them. Rin has always been a man of few words, and it wasn’t like Bachira could talk forever. But this time, it felt different. It felt awkward, and Rin could feel the air grew heavier and heavier with each second.
“Rin-chan,” Bachira said after they took another turn, breaking the thick silence between them. “What pet does my grandma has?”
“Huh?” Rin turned his head to look at Bachira for the first time since they exited the school. Bachira smiled at him, but it wasn’t his usual smile that does all wonderful things to Rin’s stomach. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, it was small, and a little sad.
“You didn’t listen to anything I said, huh?” Bachira muttered quietly, turning his gaze towards the ground in front of him. He kicked a few pebbles out of his way as they walked, before turning his head back up to look forward again.
Rin didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just kept his mouth shut. They continued walking in silence as the uncomfortable atmosphere hung between them. The temperature wasn’t as cold as the days before, Rin wished it was colder. He wished it was colder so he could wrap a scarf around his neck, or tighten his jacket around his body as he tries not to shiver, or do anything that would distract him from this suffocating silence. They kept walking and walking until Bachira’s steps slowed down as they approached an intersection. Bachira stopped walking, making Rin stop his footsteps too. The two of them stood on their place, not moving as they stared at the ground under them.
This is it, Rin thought. This was where it was finally gonna end. Over one year of Rin trying a taste of love with someone who was never meant to be his, it was coming to an over.
A part of Rin wished Bachira would wait at least until before graduation, but what difference would it make? Rin bit the insides of his cheeks, he couldn’t even glance at the other boy. He felt ridiculous. He has always known that this was how it was gonna end, he had prepared himself for it since the beginning. Itoshi Rin was the smartest student in his grade, Itoshi Rin was a soccer champion, Itoshi Rin was above agonizing over a boy that was never meant to be his. His brother would laugh at him if he saw him right now.
He should have never let it get this far. How did they even get to this point in the first place? He had wondered about it many times before. Despite having a lot more things in common than he expected, they were still complete opposites in terms of personality. Bachira’s bubbliness versus Rin’s mysterious demeanor. The fact that they actually made it this far was a puzzle Rin has been struggling to piece together. Rin felt his head aching.
Bachira turned his body to face Rin. Rin still wasn't looking directly into his eyes, but he could see Bachira’s hands stuffed into his pockets, his ears and cheeks are bright pink. He should’ve brought a scarf, Rin thought to himself. Today might not be cold for Rin, but Bachira was different. Bachira had never been good against the cold, his fingers were probably numbing.
“Our first kiss was at an intersection,” Bachira said. It was an awkward conversation opener after a moment of thick, awkward silence. Rin only nodded in response.
Bachira bit the bottom of his lips, he took his hands out of his pocket. The gentle wind rustled the strands of his hair, Rin could sense his nervousness. “If you want to break up with me, you can say it. I’d understand.”
The aching inside his head halted, Rin slowly turned his face to look at Bachira. Bachira was nibbling the bottom of his lips as he waited for Rin's response. His eyes were focused on his own hand as he twiddled his thumbs in nervousness.
"I thought," Rin's voice came out hoarse, he let out a small cough to clear his throat before continuing, "I thought you were the one who's gonna break up with me."
"What?" It was Bachira's turn to look confused now. He lifted his head to look at Rin in the eyes (the twinkle of Bachira's eyes are still so beautiful even in a moment like this, Rin noted at the back of his mind). Rin looked away.
"Rin." Rin didn't like how foreign his name sound to his ears. Bachira had always Rin-chan. Rin used to dislike it, but Bachira used it so much that Rin slowly warmed up to it even if he would never admit it. "I know you're not good with words, but please talk."
Bachira's eyes were watery. They stood without a word as they let each second flew away with the gentle wind. It was rare for Rin to not appreciate quietness, but he wished Bachira would just laugh again and just drag him to continue walking, he wished Bachira would go on another tangent or poke him with teasings and they would go back to normal until Bachira breaks up with him right before he boards his plane in two months.
But Bachira's eyes were watery, and they have had too many thick, uncomfortable silences in the span of twenty minutes than they've had their entire relationship. It was exhausting him, and he couldn't handle the look on Bachira's face. So for once, Rin decided to be the one to break the silence.
"You're bound to leave in the end," Rin muttered, focusing his eyes on the wild yellow grasses that were sprouting out from the cracks of the concrete pavement. "For your soulmate, I mean," he clarified. His voice was a little broken, he wondered if he was getting sick.
"My soulmate?"
"Yeah,” Rin nodded. “The two of us know that I'm not your soulmate, the words on your wrist aren't the first words I said to you. One day you’ll meet yours and leave me to go off with them. I know I'm to blame for letting myself get too deep into this. And I thought… I thought today is the day you’ll finally end things between the two of us.” Rin’s voice turned a little quieter in the end.
Bachira took his eyes off his own hands. He looked at Rin with a puzzled look on his face, his eyebrows slightly furrowed. “What are you talking about?” Bachira said with a voice full of disbelief, “I’m not gonna leave you just because of my soulmate.”
“You don’t know that,” Rin wondered if his tone came out a little too defensive.
“No, I do,” Bachira insisted. “I won’t do that because I’ve already met my soulmate.”
“You’ve what?” Rin turned his eyes to look at Bachira. Bachira’s gaze on him didn’t falter, his face as serious as ever. Rin was utterly bewildered.
“I’ve already met my soulmate,” Bachira repeated. “In middle school. We even dated until our freshmen year of high school before we decided that we were better off as friends.”
“High school?”
“Yeah, you even know the person. It’s Isagi Yoichi from Class B.”
Rin’s head felt dizzy. He had never been the kind of person that gets easily overwhelmed by things, but at that moment he felt his brain having a hard time processing everything.
Rin crouched down, massaging the sides of his temple. There was nobody else aside from the two of them around. He was tempted to laugh. It was almost like that time after he and Bachira had their first kiss, over one year ago. Rin had spent over a year not being his usual self, he had spent over a year with the thought of Bachira going off with his soulmate and leaving him. The possibility of him already having met his soulmate had never even crossed his mind.
Bachira crouched in front of him, the curls of his hair bobbing slightly as he moved. He hugged his knees close to his chest, waiting for Rin to say anything.
“I didn’t know that,” Rin finally said.
“You never asked, and I thought you didn’t care about the whole soulmate thing, you're not my soulmate and I'm clearly not yours,” Bachira muttered, glancing at Rin's pale and mark-less wrist. “I really didn’t know you cared about my soul mark. I didn’t even know if you cared about me.”
“What do you mean?” Rin furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Bachira with a puzzled expression.
“Rin,” Bachira said, his tone sounded exasperated. “Tell me, have we ever hung out outside of school days?"
Rin wanted to respond with anything, but he simply couldn’t. All of their hangouts have always happened after school, they have never done it on weekends or on holidays. Rin knew this, Rin was the one that made sure they never do it, he was the one who always rejected Bachira's hang out offers over and over again. Bachira lets out a scoff. It was not condescending in any way, just sarcastic and sad.
“I think, no, I would be fine if you had just told me why, but you never did. I know you're not that good at expressing your feelings and stuff, but you really never told me anything. You just never seemed to care about spending time with me in general. So naturally, I came to think that you don’t really care about me. That you don’t actually like me,” Bachira’s voice turned quieter in the end, his nose was red, and his eyes were glassy as they brimmed with tears.
“We didn't walk back together for three weeks. I'm sorry, I lied about most of my excuses. I just felt like I needed time away from you to agonize and think hard about this, about where our relationship was going. But I think… I think I’m a little relieved, now,” Bachira said, looking at the ground with a small smile on his face. “Earlier, it almost sounded like you don’t want me to leave you. So tell me now, Rin. Do you want to break things off? Do you care about me?”
Rin rarely ever felt like he was in the wrong, so him feeling sorry was a rare occurrence. But at that moment, Rin felt the guiltiest he has ever felt in his life. Bachira didn’t deserve this. Bachira didn’t deserve to be hurt just because Rin was too stubborn and too narrow in his vision. For once in his life, Itoshi Rin felt like the most foolish person on earth.
For over a year, he had been thinking about how Bachira would end up meeting his soulmate and leave him. He foolishly thought that he was doing all of that so he wouldn’t be too hurt when Bachira left in the end. But all he did was hurt Bachira instead. He had only been thinking about himself. It never occurred to him that Bachira might have already met the person in the first place. He never even asked Bachira if he had already met them, he just assumed that he hadn't. There was no way to sugarcoat the things he did.
Rin looked up to see Bachira still staring at the gray pavement, waiting for his response in silence. They were still crouching, two or three pedestrians passed by, they probably wondered what the two of them were doing. Rin couldn’t find it in him to care, though. He needed to say something, anything to fix the mess he had made for himself.
“I care about you,” Rin finally said. Bachira raised his gaze from the ground, looking at him with those beautiful orbs of his that made Rin feel a little hypnotized. Bachira’s hair had grown a little long, Rin wanted to tuck the strands behind his ear. He wanted to kiss his eyelashes and hold his hands and lean his head on his shoulder.
“I love you,” Rin muttered instead. And with that, a wide smile formed in Bachira’s face, his eyes shining bright. The butterflies inside Rin’s stomach fluttered furiously at the sight of it. Rin has always been a man of few words, but there were so many things Rin wanted to say. He wanted to apologize to Bachira for all the hurt he caused him. He wanted to shower Bachira with compliments and tell him that he loves him again and again so that Bachira would always smile this way.
He made sure, in his mind, that he’s going to do all of that, after this. For now, he’s too enamored in the twinkle of Bachira’s eyes and his alluring smile. Rin had made a huge mistake. Rin had unknowingly hurt Bachira, he could feel the weight of overwhelming guilt resting on his shoulder. Rin promised himself that he would make up for all the things that he did. He hoped that Bachira would forgive him, that Bachira would let him love him properly.
“Me too,” Bachira said. Rin let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, a small smile forming on his face.
Bachira wasn’t going anywhere. And neither was Rin.