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Graduating was... hard. The idea of walking onto the stage, entire school applauding and congratulating him for finally getting out, for everything he’d done. And he should be grateful, that everyone knew it was him, that everyone was thankful. But all Judai could think as he sat behind his dorm for the last time was how everyone was thanking him for only half saving everyone.
He’d lost a lot of people, fallen out with and failed a lot of people along the way. Sure, the majority of the school was still alive thanks to his efforts but it wasn’t just him. It was Jun and Asuka and Shou and Kenzan and Fubuki and Edo and Ryo and Jim and Johan.
Some of them were the ones presenting danger and some of them were persuaded and manipulated to being so violent.
Edo and The Society of Light for example. Edo was never a bad kid, just a kid with too much to prove to the world who had already heard.
But Judai had lost his friends because of his own mistakes and his own weakness over the past few years, more so the most recent year than any.
He’d lost Johan, for so so long that he never thought he would get him back. And he put all of his friends in danger to make sure that he could find him, hanging onto a desperate hope he often felt guilty about.
Had it been Shou or Jun or Asuka that had disappeared that day, would he have been so determined? So blind to the dangers surrounding them?
He shook his head, falling back onto the grass as he shushed Yubel in his head.
“I know what you’re telling me. That is was your fault. And it was, primarily. But I didn’t do much to help out, either.” He mumbled, eyes closing as he stretched.
He knew Johan had forgiven the spirit that had tracked him down through multiple life times but he couldn't quite bring himself to forgive Yubel for what he did to him. To Ryo. To Johan.
Today was meant to be a happy day. Him and his friends got to walk onto that stage and declare that they were finished with this school forever. Johan had even managed to get his graduation switched to their school, so they could all celebrate together.
Judai would be lying if he said he wasn’t over joyed when he’d heard. Johan had called him the week prior, suspicious and sly about his plans, clearly trying to make Judai think of any other outcome than him turning up on that tiny island again.
But Judai had always had a way of getting his best friend to spill everything to him. It also helped that Johan was a massive push over with a heart too big and too honest to lead him along for longer than a couple of hours.
They’d saved the world together, twice. Once against Yubel and once against Fujiwara. An old friend of Ryo and Fubuki that had been consumed by an evil spirit; a seemingly reoccurring incident in Judai’s life.
For a moment, Judai had questioned his bond with Johan during that duel. Had questioned what their friendship, their bond had meant to the other for a fleeting second. But he should’ve never doubted Johan, he had a plan and it only worked because he had so much faith in Judai.
So much faith, it scared Judai.
To know that people relied on him that heavily, to know that his friends all held him on some kind of pedestal, it made him swell with pride and keel over in sickness all at once.
He didn’t know if he deserved it. Every single one of those people that trusted him with their lives, he’d hurt. He’d betrayed or ignored; he’d left behind or lashed out at them for things they had no control over.
He hated himself sometimes, wished he could go back to being the kid that looked after himself in that tiny apartment. The kid that just wanted to play cards with everyone he met. The kid that had a hope and nothing but happiness in his soul.
But the best lesson his father had taught him, in the brief time he actually saw the man, was that you have to grow up eventually, and growing up means you mess up and hurt others sometimes. Growing up means you change and you should embrace the change, even if it feels wrong, different, to who you thought you were going to be or where you thought you were going to go in your life.
And that gave him a little bit of hope. Maybe he wasn’t so young and carefree anymore, maybe he couldn’t just barrel his way through life with nothing but never-ending optimism.
But that didn’t mean he couldn’t keep changing, learning, growing. He had his friends still, he had a hope, no longer a raging uncontrollable flame, instead just a shallow fire that burned as bright but more attainable. More manageable.
“So, you were meant to meet me at the docks but I suppose the dying leaves on this old tree are a touch more interesting?” Johan’s voice shook Judai from his thoughts and he sat up fast, eyes wide as he stared up at the smile of his best friend.
Gods it felt like it had been an age ago that he saw that little grin.
“Ah, sorry man. I got... lost a little. Sit with me?” He shuffled over, hand reaching up the scratch at the back of his neck as Johan just huffed a laugh, dropping to the ground beside his best friend, nudging Judai’s arm with his own.
“What’s going on in there? Something tells me it’s not about deep fried shrimp or deck building.” Johan’s voice was so soothing, as always. Judai sighed, a small smile forming on his face despite himself.
Johan always had a way of getting Judai to open up, to tell him the truth as opposed to a happy and bright fore front, a lie that he was all fine.
They were both the same at the end of the day.
“Just thinking about how none of my times here went how I thought it would. I mean, every year was a new challenge, a new evil, a new friend and a new enemy. It hasn’t been easy, trying to keep everyone together and trying to lie to myself that it was always fine, that it never bothered me. I barely admitted that to myself when I lost connection to the spirits, when it took a literal ass whooping to get me out of that funk.” Judai shrugged, taking a second to look over at his best friend.
Johan looked determined. And a little sad. And if it was anybody else Judai would’ve panicked at the silence. Reeled back the statement and covered it with a joke.
But this was Johan. Somebody that understood him by words and actions alone within the first few hours of meeting each other. Someone who shared a connection to the spirits, with similar beliefs and struggles to him. Somebody who had felt the pressure of saving lives and sacrificing himself. Somebody brave and honest and kind.
Johan shook his head, expression softening to a smile as he shuffled closer, head resting gently on Judai’s shoulder, causing him to relax his shoulders, previously holding a tension he was oblivious to.
“I know everything that you’ve been thinking the last few hours you’ve probably been out here. But you gotta know, Judai, none of us blame ya. We all love you the same and we always will. I know who you are, who you want to be and I’ll always support that. Even if we’re not together for a while, I’ll always be cheering you on, no matter what.” Johan’s voice was quiet, almost carried away by the wind as he spoke and Judai couldn’t help the grin that spread over his face as he rested his cheek on Johan’s hair, taking in the scent of lavender.
They stayed like that for a while, leaning on each other and staring off into the ocean before Johan, ever the more responsible one, if only by a margin, stood up and offered a hand to Judai.
“C’mon, we better get going. Jun’s probably throwing a fit as we speak, we’re already ten minutes late.” He shrugged, relaxed expression telling Judai he didn’t really care about that.
Judai took his hand and let himself be pulled up, noticing with a small spark of joy that Johan’s hand never let go of his as they began to walk to the main buildin
“Probably. I’m glad we get to do this together though; it’s reassured everything that was swarming around in my head. Quietened it all down to a gentle hum. You always know how to do that.” Judai admitted, squeezing the others hand as they wandered down the path in perfect unison. Johan just laughed softly, shrugging as he turned to steal a glance at Judai.
“Well. Somebody has got to, you’re a bit of a nightmare when you get all lost in there.” He poked the side of Judai’s head, snorting in a cute but ugly sort of way as Judai recoiled, face twisted in mock disgust.
“Yeah yeah well. You’re no better. Basically, admitting you love me back there, what was that all about?” Judai poked back, trying to ignore the flutter and skip in his heart at the idea.
Johan froze for a second, tips of his ears burning a soft pink.
Judai didn’t need him to speak any words after that. They’d always understood each other perfectly.
And when Judai leaned in, Johan did too, no hesitation. And that simple touch told them all they needed to know, reassured the worries that had been brewing inside Judai’s hearts for months on end now.
Everybody would always be there, everybody still believed in him and loved him in their own ways. He had everyone’s forgiveness.
But most importantly, he had never even lost Johan, not really. He was always by his side from the very first second, always fighting his corner and helping him with whatever he could.
As they pulled away from each other, both bathed in the light of the setting sun, they began to laugh, Judai loudly with his head thrown back and Johan quietly into his spare hand.
“I love you, Johan.” Judai admitted, tone quiet and secretive, not wanting to break the moment, not that he ever could. Johan just smiled, eyes a little glassy and Judai grinned. Johan was always the more emotional one out of them.
“I love you too, Judai.”