Chapter Text
[D-32]
Xiao Zhan knew better than to fall in love with a soldier in the middle of the war, but he still did.
[D-0]
It’s chaos; bloodied civilians, crying children and ruined houses. People were crying for help—to save them from bombs and bullets that never ceased since the terrorists declared war against the government. No one expected this, or rather no one expected this to happen soon, and the terrorists took advantage of this state of unpreparedness. They rained ammunition and grenades in the city, killing and injuring more than a hundred civilians. Everything happened too fast, and in just two days after the official start of war the terrorists successfully conquered the city’s capital, burning the country’s flag and replacing it with their own.
By the time the government decided to take action, the once beautiful and lively city in the north, seems like a filming location of a frightening ghost town movie now.
[D-1]
Xiao Zhan, along with other doctors from the south—Chongqing, were sent to the north to treat wounded soldiers and civilians. Their job was to give immediate aid, preventing a bigger damage from happening—before sending them off to the hospital in the next city where they could be treated properly. Their camp was an hour ride from the conquered city, hidden inside the forest, and the only near make-shift clinic around the war zone since all hospitals were bombed and destroyed. Their base was surrounded with barbed fences, and guarded with armed soldiers that were constantly patrolling around the area in case the terrorists came near them. The base camp was average in size; there was a trailer that would serve as the doctor’s sleeping quarters, another one at the back part intended for officials’ use only, and the last one near the entrance that would serve as their clinic.
Xiao Zhan didn't have the time to look further, since there were badly injured soldiers that were rushed inside already. It’s time to work now.
[D-4]
“Doc Xiao Zhan, you still okay?” One of his colleagues asked Xiao Zhan when he spotted him bobbing his head back and forth drowsily while sitting on an uncomfortable looking chair.
Startled, Xiao Zhan nodded his head a little as he rubbed the sleep off of his eyes. He had to stay awake, in case someone would need his help. His colleague, upon seeing his pitiful state, could only pat his back and offer him a sympathetic smile. Ever since they came here, they were swamped with injured civilians that were rescued, and soldiers that were placed on the frontline. There were only 10 of them, half of which would work either on day or night shift. Xiao Zhan was placed on the day shift, but even then, since he's the Head Doctor, his nights were usually interrupted with frenzied knocks on their quarters whenever there was an emergency, or if they needed more help. One look at his team and it would be clear that they were already overworked despite just arriving. It's expected though, given that they're the place nearest to Ground Zero, but the situation on the site was much more hectic than what they were briefed about.
Xiao Zhan made a mental note to talk to the Captain soon about asking for the deployment of more doctors to lessen the load so they could treat everyone immediately.
[D-7]
A week of staying at the camp and Xiao Zhan could finally take a little break. Their patients were not as many as before—there had been a huge decrease in the number of the casualties ever since the government deployed troops to counterattack the terrorists. The civilians trapped inside the city dwindled to a half, and they were already evacuated into safer places. It was much calmer now compared to when they first arrived. Xiao Zhan also postponed meeting the Captain since additional Doctors were not much of a need now. Truthfully, he felt quite ashamed for even attempting to ask about it so early into his duty without thinking that things would eventually get better. Compared to the first few days, his team looked less tired—they could even throw a few jokes here and there now, and Xiao Zhan should’ve known better than to doubt the capability of his team.
This situation was caused by the army gaining access in some parts of the city, but the terrorists’ flag was still raised at the capitol, signifying that they still have the most control.
-
Xiao Zhan just finished his shift, and he was outside, enjoying the breeze of the night air as it lightly touched his face. He closed his eyes, relishing the rare peace while it lasted. He had taken this for granted before— the gentle gust of the wind and birds chirping, but now, he missed hearing this. He took a deep breath, and for the first time since he came at the base camp, he let a small smile peek at the corner of his lips.
It wasn’t that long though, before the sound of a bomb detonating at a distance broke the silence. Xiao Zhan opened his tired eyes and heaved a long sigh.
It’s only been a week since they were assigned in the north but Xiao Zhan felt like he had treated people more than he ever did when he was still working in a hospital for a month. He had seen dead and injured people to last him a lifetime. Xiao Zhan loved saving lives, hence why he chose this profession, but he still hadn't adjusted well at the camp yet that’s why he started to feel a little restless too.
Xiao Zhan took a box of unopened cigarettes and a lighter from his back pocket. He didn't smoke often, only when he’s agitated or tired or when he needed something to calm him down, and he’d been feeling like those right now. He would usually opt to drink wine—knowing for a fact that drinking would kill him slower than smoking certainly would, but the circumstances right now weren't the same as before. He didn't have the luxury to afford a night with wine tonight, so instead, he put the cancer stick in his mouth with practiced movements, and was about to light it when a voice interrupted him.
“Smoking is prohibited here.”
Xiao Zhan stilled, and whirled around to look at the direction of the voice. He found a vague silhouette of a man pointing to an obvious ‘No Smoking’ sign near the fence, in which he failed to notice earlier. It's dark from where he's standing, but he could see an outline of a long gun, probably a rifle—not that his knowledge about guns was that extensive— hanging on the man's neck. The unwelcomed guest before him could either be a soldier or a wandering terrorist, but Xiao Zhan immediately ruled the latter out because a smart terrorist wouldn’t freely enter a basecamp alone just to warn him about smoking.
So, this man was (hopefully) a soldier then.
Embarrassed at being caught, Xiao Zhan faked a cough before discreetly tucking his cigarette and lighter back in his pocket. Maybe it's the Universe's way to stop him from continuing his bad habits.
“You’re a doctor, you should know that it’s bad for your health too.”
Xiao Zhan could detect the obvious teasing lilt in the soldier’s voice. The fact that the man knew that he was a doctor didn't go unnoticed. He didn't know how to respond to that, so he just chose to ignore him, as he walked past the soldier to go back to their sleeping quarters. The night's still young, but he's already busted on his supposed to be only escape so Xiao Zhan decided to might as well just retire for the night.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude. Why don’t you stay around for a small talk?” Xiao Zhan stopped at that, not expecting the tenacity of the soldier. He sounded unlike his previous remark—almost sounding like something he refused to put a name on just yet because it didn't feel right. What was this soldier's deal?
"I mean no harm, really."
Xiao Zhan sighed. If he's doubting himself earlier, then this time, he's sure that the soldier sounded desperate. He checked his watch which indicated that it's only 10:14pm, which also meant that he's only been off duty for not more than an hour.
Xiao Zhan briefly weighed the cons and pros in his mind; whether he should just go and forget this strange incident even happened or indulge the soldier's little request. The latter won, after a couple seconds of internal battle, and then Xiao Zhan was sighing again before turning on his heels to finally face the soldier.
Now that he was quite near and provided with a much better lighting than earlier, he could now see the stranger clearly. Xiao Zhan involuntarily took a step back, and it's certainly not because of their proximity.
He wasn't prepared for a trip at the museum. This unnamed man in front of him, was an art .
Xiao Zhan's eyes scanned the soldier before him, from his dirty and muddy old combat shoes, up to his well decorated shoulders—which only meant that he’s not just a soldier but a high ranked officer at that too, before it finally stopped on his face. His face was quite familiar for some reason still unknown to him, and he’s unbelievably handsome to be battling in a war.
If Xiao Zhan would happen to meet him on a completely different set-up then he would immediately believe that he's a model just from his appearance alone. With his proud nose and piercing gaze, as well as his pale complexion, ( which is unfair considering that he was a soldier and they were constantly faced with dirt and mud so how the hell could his skin be that clear?) he looked like he could easily charm people on a runway. Or he could be an idol. This soldier looked like some Greek God in this modern era—the one that was sculpted to marbles on museums, and Xiao Zhan felt a brief feeling of inferiority before shrugging it off. He's not usually one to compare himself to anyone anyway.
Some light from the nearby post struck the soldier's nameplate on his chest, which prompted Xiao Zhan to shift his attention to it. The Adonis in front of him has a name, and it’s Wang Yibo.
“Done staring?” The soldier's lips formed a slow smirk, and Xiao Zhan could feel himself blushing for getting caught again. Way to go Xiao Zhan.
-
They found a nice place to sit a few steps away from the ‘No Smoking’ sign, which was at the back of their base. It could give them the privacy and a bit of peace that they needed and to save themselves from the unnecessary explanation if ever their colleagues were to find them together, but still near enough to the other soldiers so Xiao Zhan could easily ask for help if this soldier would suddenly do a reversal and attack him.
They sat on the soft grass, and leaned on the huge mahogany tree that overlooked the stars above. There’s a considerable amount of space between them, but Xiao Zhan still subtly inched away because he didn't know if he could fully trust this man yet. He also didn’t know why he accepted the invitation, and even if he’s having second thoughts now, it’s too late. He didn't know if the movement was noticed by the said man, and if he did, he’s glad it went unmentioned.
-
It turned out that all his suspicions and worries were useless.
Xiao Zhan found out a lot of things in a span of a short period of time. He found out that Wang Yibo was a Captain, though he might have had looked skeptical at first because Wang Yibo fumbled in his pockets just to show his identification card to support his claim. Wang Yibo retrieved it back when Xiao Zhan began to compare his picture in the card to his face, as the latter tried to hold his laughter in because it would be quite rude to just laugh on a stranger's face. (“ You're trying not to laugh, I could see it, and yes, you don’t have to feel obligated to say that I looked awkward in that picture .”)
He insisted on being called just Yibo, instead of Capt. Wang like what others usually addressed him as. He also found out that he was one of the in command in this area, and Xiao Zhan vaguely remembered meeting him on their first day at the camp when they were introduced to the officials, which explained why he looked familiar.
They surprisingly eased into a comfortable talk. They talked about random things that night; about Wang Yibo’s life as a soldier and his shenanigans while still in military school. Xiao Zhan was pleasantly surprised that Wang Yibo wasn’t a douchebag or an arrogant jerk like he initially thought he would be. On the contrary, Wang Yibo was easy to talk to, and it’s only their first meeting, but Xiao Zhan felt like they already knew each other for a long time. They also share the same opinions on a lot of things. His heart was strangely at peace, something that he wouldn’t definitely feel on a complete stranger, especially not in the middle of the war.
Wang Yibo talked about that one time when he sneaked out to go clubbing because it’s his friend’s birthday, and he’s a loyal friend so he can’t miss his party—only to be caught while going back to their camp. Wang Yibo ended up running for 50 laps on that day. He also talked about that time when he tripped while marching, because his friend thought it’d be nice to untangle his shoe laces. He accidentally pushed his classmate in front of him, and then it’s like a human domino. Wang Yibo and his friend cleaned their school bathrooms after as a punishment.
Wang Yibo continued to tell him interesting stories as Xiao Zhan grew comfortable enough to freely laugh at him; not because the story was funny, but because Wang Yibo looked comical as he re-enacted some scenes for him. Wang Yibo may be handsome, but he could have the most exaggerated expressions.
Xiao Zhan enjoyed talking to him, he really did, but it’s getting late and he can’t suppress his yawn any further. Xiao Zhan shot Wang Yibo with an apologetic smile, and motioned for him to continue. Wang Yibo did, albeit reluctantly, but he eventually stopped in the middle of his nth story after Xiao Zhan yawned for the fifth time. Concern was visibly etched on the soldier's face as he told him to get back on his sleeping quarters and get some much-needed rest.
“No, I’m not sleepy yet, continue.” Xiao Zhan insisted, but when he released another yawn that contradicted his words, Wang Yibo wordlessly stood up to gently pull him up so he could personally escort him back to his sleeping quarters.
-
Xiao Zhan's packet of cigarettes remained untouched, but his heart felt at ease for the first time that night.
[D-11]
Xiao Zhan kind of forgot about Wang Yibo after that. It’s not intentional and he really thought about going back to that place after that night, but his duties occupied his whole mind and body. He would always instantly doze off when his back would finally hit his mattress after a long tiring day of work, forgetting about his initial plan of meeting the young Captain. He would only remember it after he had woken up, and even if there were no promises made at meeting again, he still felt guilty for not going back. Xiao Zhan would only let the guilt consume him for a short amount of time, and then he'll get ready to be lost again in a new shift of performing his duty.
It’s getting hectic on their camp, and Xiao Zhan’s team has been treating casualties after casualties. The terrorists were returning all the soldiers’ bullets and air bombs, and the number of killed soldiers was increasing yet again. It’s alarming; just when they all thought that the enemies were losing ammunition, they planned an ambush attack on one of the army bases inside the city. Reinforcements came to aid them, but they were just caught on the trap that was placed for them.
The opportunity to come back didn't arrive until three days later, when the military finally defeated the troops that stayed there. It’s a push and pull situation, and Xiao Zhan simply hoped for it to end soon.
-
Surprisingly, Wang Yibo was already there when Xiao Zhan went to the place where they last met. Wang Yibo looked surprised for a second, before giving him a small smile— a little rough around the edges but still a smile nonetheless, and then he's patting the space beside him as an invitation for Xiao Zhan to sit down. Xiao Zhan gave him a tired smile of his own, before plopping down to sit beside the waiting soldier.
He didn’t ask if Wang Yibo went there for the last couple of days, and he wasn’t asked either. They immediately lapsed into a small talk unlike their first meeting when they beat around the bush for a moment, both still quite shy then. Wang Yibo was still bright, though Xiao Zhan could tell that he was bothered about something, noting how the former would briefly glare at the distance whenever the sounds of war would echo from Ground Zero. There were dark circles under his eyes which mirrored Xiao Zhan’s, and Xiao Zhan was reminded of the fact that Wang Yibo wasn't just a normal soldier but a Captain— the in command in their camp. Xiao Zhan didn't know much about the duties of soldiers per rank, but he at least knew that being in command was a huge weight and responsibility. He didn't want to pry, thinking that it’s a private matter, and so Xiao Zhan talked about his life this time, as Wang Yibo listened.
Xiao Zhan talked about the hospital where he previously worked before he was deployed in the north. They were a family of musicians and both of his parents were in the city's orchestra. He talked about how his parents initially rejected his dream of becoming a doctor since they wanted him to continue with music, and how they eventually came around to support his dream.
In return, Wang Yibo told him that he used to be a dancer. He was in an amateur group, but it was broken off when he went to the military academy. He was then asked if he ever regretted not continuing his music career, because truthfully, Wang Yibo didn’t.
“No. I love to help. Once, I went on a school related medical mission as a requirement for a certain class. At first, I was slightly annoyed since I also have a music class scheduled for that day, but then I found myself enjoying it. I watched how people thanked the doctors for helping them. It fascinated me. I thought that I wanted to be like them too. I wanted to help people and it truly felt nice to see them smile again.”
Xiao Zhan graduated at the top of his class in a prestigious medical school. He immediately worked after graduation while volunteering on a few charities in his free time, eventually climbing his way up because of his skills and confidence.
But Xiao Zhan wasn't always the confident Doctor that he is today, as he reminisced the first time he failed to revive a patient, and how devastated he was after.
Xiao Zhan’s stories weren't as funny as Wang Yibo’s, but Wang Yibo still listened attentively, looking as interested as ever, even if Xiao Zhan rambled about some uncommon medical terms. Wang Yibo never gave any sign that he was bored or sleepy, even if the night started to get deeper.
-
His heart shouldn’t skip a beat when Wang Yibo escorted him back that night, but it still did.
[D-12]
On the next day, Xiao Zhan started to receive flowers. They were placed on his table, along with a simple ‘For Zhan-ge' scribbled on a piece of paper in a messy script. He checked his table, but there was not a single name or clue left to identify the sender. They were mostly wild flowers—some unknown to him while some familiar ones, something that could definitely be found in the forest, and judging by the poor state of the stems, they were handpicked. Nonetheless, they were still beautiful.
Peng Chuyue, Xiao Zhan’s friend and one of the doctors that was also assigned in their camp, was bugging him about the name of the secret sender. Xiao Zhan shrugged, because he honestly didn’t know who it was. He has someone in mind though, but he didn't want to get his hopes up yet.
Xiao Zhan placed the flower in between the pages of his favorite book. He looked at it for a while—contemplating for a bit.
“Dr. Xiao Zhan! We need some help here!”
Xiao Zhan stared at the flowers some more, before closing the book and putting it back on his bag. The flowers can wait.
-
Xiao Zhan could feel eyes on him throughout the whole day, but there’s a person that was bleeding out in front of him. “ Ignore. Focus ." he repeated it like a mantra. They were in the middle of a war, and he had duties to fulfill. He can’t let himself be distracted.
-
It’s a very bad idea—the worst of all. Xiao Zhan knew that he was dead tired and he really should be sleeping right now, but for some reason, he was outside. He’s blaming it on his non-existent decision-making skills whenever he’s exhausted. His feet led him back to the place where he and Wang Yibo last talked.
“I need some fresh air.”, he convinced himself. “It has a nice view and I need to look at the stars tonight.” At the back of his mind, a voice was telling him that what he needed the most right now was sleep, and he was looking for a certain soldier. He ignored it, because he really needed to stargaze. Yeah, that’s all to it.
He didn’t know why he felt disappointed when no one was around. Well, no one in their right mind would aimlessly roam around the base at midnight, except Xiao Zhan himself. Suddenly, he didn't want to go stargazing anymore.
“Are you looking for me?” Xiao Zhan jerked at the voice that came out of nowhere. The soothing, low voice sounded exactly from someone he knew. He turned around, slowly, and sure enough, he was standing there, in the exact same place when they first met.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Wang Yibo came forward and went to stand before him. Xiao Zhan thanked all the gods that it was quite dark, or else Wang Yibo would see how flushed he was.
“I don’t know. Why are you still awake too?” Wang Yibo shrugged and then there’s silence.
“You want to talk again?” Xiao Zhan nodded almost eagerly, and yeah—he was shit at making decisions.
[D-13]
Xiao Zhan woke up inside their cabin with a noisy Peng Chuyue shouting unintelligible words right on his ears. He tried to turn around, covering his ears with his pillows to block the noises and to get more sleep. The noises stopped for a bit, then it was replaced with fingers poking on his sides.
“Okay okay. I’m awake now. Shut up Chuyue.” Xiao Zhan sat up abruptly, almost bumping his head on Peng Chuyue along the way. Peng Chuyue flicked his forehead, grinning widely when Xiao Zhan scowled back at him.
“What do you want?” Xiao Zhan didn’t bother to hide his annoyance in his voice. Peng Chuyue was usually calm and matured so he didn’t know why he was acting like this. He would probably care for the reason later, but not right now.
“We won’t be up until—” he paused to check the small clock that was hanging on their wall, “—an hour!” He screeched. It’s only 6:30 in the morning, and their shift would start at 8. He wasn’t really this bitchy at mornings, he was normally passive but this, to be rudely awoken with a hyper Peng Chuyue smiling down at him like the goddamn sunshine boy that he is, is bringing all the bad sides out of him.
“So… he’s the one who gave you flowers right?”
“What?” Xiao Zhan’s mind was still fuzzy from sleep and currently, Peng Chuyue was not making any sense.
“You know, Captain Wang?” Peng Chuyue was obviously teasing him, nudging his shoulders and wriggling his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. Xiao Zhan ignored it, and went to lie back to sleep. Peng Chuyue fortunately didn’t bother him again, and he was glad.
A minute passed and when the weight of Peng Chuyue’s words finally sank on his mind, sleep was completely out of his system.
“How do you know him?” Xiao Zhan asked, alarmed. He sat abruptly again, and this time, he bumped his head on Peng Chuyue. Peng Chuyue glared at him as he rubbed the sore spot on his forehead. Xiao Zhan was in pain too, but he ignored it because there were more pressing matters that should be addressed. He didn’t remember telling anyone about Wang Yibo and their late-night talks.
“Oh, right. You were sleeping like a log last night.” He would have had hit Peng Chuyue again for beating around the bush and teasing him so much but right now, he needed answers. Violence could be done after.
Peng Chuyue was back to wiggling his brows at him, smiling like a fool, and Xiao Zhan was prepared to strangle Peng Chuyue at any moment. But then again, he needed answers.
“Captain Wang brought you here last night. I was wondering where you are, but then he came knocking on our door with you sleeping soundly on his arms.”
Right. They were together last night and Xiao Zhan was so exhausted he must have had fallen asleep on him while Wang Yibo was talking. How embarrassing.
“I saw his hands and there were several small cuts, so I’m assuming he’s also the one who gave you those flowers?”
Xiao Zhan groaned out loud. Going there last night was definitely a bad idea.
[D-17]
No words were exchanged whenever they had to separate, except for a small ‘See you tomorrow?’ from the soldier.
Xiao Zhan would like to believe that the reason why he kept on coming back was due to the young captain's expectant face whenever he said those words, but if he was being completely honest with himself, he would say that he was starting to get attached to the soldier. He was starting to lower his walls down unknowingly, letting himself feel things when he clearly shouldn’t. This seemed so wrong, but talking to Wang Yibo felt like everything was right.
He was aware of the consequences that came with growing attached to Wang Yibo, and even if he knew that it was a terrible idea, it didn't deter him from coming back in the same place every night. Or on the succeeding nights after.
[D-20]
When the nickname slipped out of Xiao Zhan’s mouth—almost intimate and sweet—he was horrified at himself. But then, he saw how Wang Yibo ducked his head in embarrassment and how he significantly flushed under the moonlight. He forced himself not to surge forward to pinch Wang Yibo’s cheeks for acting so cute, instead, he opted to lean his head on Wang Yibo’s shoulder, sighing contentedly. Now that Xiao Zhan thought about it, it’s their first ever physical contact since meeting each other. (the time when Wang Yibo carried him to bed wasn’t counted because he was sleeping) Wang Yibo visibly tensed at the foreign touch, but then after a few beats, he eventually relaxed. Wang Yibo was a warm and solid pillar against him, and Xiao Zhan tried not to think of anything, nor on the arm that carefully snaked on his sides after.
[D-21]
Wang Yibo wasn’t there when Xiao Zhan came. He waited, because he may have been too early than usual since he immediately went straight to their meeting place after eating with his colleagues.
Half an hour had already passed but Wang Yibo was still nowhere to be found. As he sat on the soft grass, his mind began to make up a thousand possible reasons that would account for Wang Yibo’s absence, but the thought that he may have had scared the younger off yesterday seems like the most probable reason. He was beating himself up for making a mistake with his head hung low, when a pair of combat shoes stopped in front of him. He dragged his eyes up, and there he was, a panting Wang Yibo who was smiling sheepishly down at him. The soldier dropped himself on the ground, leaning his body slightly on a still bewildered Xiao Zhan.
“I’m sorry. Our meeting ended late.” Wang Yibo was still trying to catch his breath from running, as Xiao Zhan continued to stare.
“I said I’m sorry, didn’t I?” Wang Yibo lightly pinched Xiao Zhan’s nose, which seemed to snap him out of his thoughts. Xiao Zhan grumbled things under his breath as he looked away, cheeks a tad bit warm from the unexpected attack. Wang Yibo laughed at him, shoulders shaking at the intensity of it when Xiao Zhan petulantly refused to look at him. Wang Yibo’s laugh was infectious, and he soon found himself laughing along with him. Seeing Wang Yibo all smiley and happy made Xiao Zhan’s heart flutter with relief and some other emotion that he refused to acknowledge.
[D-26]
It’s Xiao Zhan’s almost fourth week at the camp and the third week since Xiao Zhan started to meet Wang Yibo regularly. It became a nightly ritual for them to meet at the back of the base on the big Mahogany tree after Xiao Zhan’s shift. No matter how tired they both were, that wouldn’t stop them from going. Sometimes, they would talk about each other’s day—which was not much considering they were busy with fulfilling their respective duties. They have an unwritten rule that they couldn’t talk to each other when the sun was up, so these nightly talks were highly appreciated.
Sometimes, they would just sit there, comfortable silence enveloping them both as they leaned on each other. When they were together, Xiao Zhan momentarily forgot about the chaos out there, or the sound of bullets resonating at the distance. It was not as loud as before, and they were receiving less patients. Xiao Zhan hoped that the war was nearing its end. He felt safe when he’s with Wang Yibo, and Xiao Zhan could hear warning signals going off his mind because this was dangerous and he shouldn’t be feeling like this. Not on someone he met just three weeks ago, and definitely not on an army soldier. But Xiao Zhan has always been shit at decisions, so he let his heart beat a little faster when he’s with Wang Yibo.
[D-30]
Xiao Zhan didn’t talk about the flowers that he was still receiving twice a week, and neither did Wang Yibo. He didn’t say anything when Wang Yibo’s fingers cautiously curled against his one night, as if giving him time to pull away. Xiao Zhan just held his hand tighter— Wang Yibo encasing his small hand on his big and rough ones.
He kept his silence, because this felt nice, and he felt safe whenever he’s with Wang Yibo. Xiao Zhan liked hearing Wang Yibo talk, because his voice sounded soothing to his ears—the baritone feeling like a lullaby. He also didn’t say anything, when Wang Yibo pulled their clasped hand to kiss his hand when he thought that he was sleeping. He didn’t say anything, afraid to ruin what they currently have. Whatever set-up or arrangement they have was nice—more than nice, and Xiao Zhan was going to savor this until it lasted. He didn't know when this wonderful dream would end though, and he didn't want to think about it either.
On this night, he slept against Wang Yibo’s broad shoulders, as Wang Yibo played with his fingers.
[D-32]
A month of their stay at the base, and Xiao Zhan was getting dangerously attached and used to living there. It’s scaring him— how he yearned for Wang Yibo’s laugh, smile, voice and presence. It’s scaring him how much he looked forward to nights, because that’s the only time where they could be together. The only time where they could pretend that they were not a Doctor or a Captain in the middle of the war.
“So, what is your relationship with Captain Wang now?” Xiao Zhan froze at the unexpected question, turning his back against his friend to sort out the already organized medicine shelves.
“I don’t know.” He replied curtly. He honestly didn’t know, because aside from the flowers, nightly meetings, cuddling and occasional hand holdings, nothing was clear yet. Everything was nebulous so he didn't want to hurt himself by thinking about it. He was confused—he liked Wang Yibo, he could finally accept it without freaking out unlike before, (or maybe he even ‘love’ Wang Yibo; this notion scared him more). He’s been falling deeper and deeper for the said man, which was definitely not hard at all considering that Wang Yibo was an attractive young man, has a great sense of humor, a gentleman, straight forward and thoughtful. He was falling for him as the weeks passed by, and he can’t stop himself—not that he was even trying in the first place. He’s been thinking of other things though, like imagining themselves having dates; coffee dates on a cute cafe downtown, watching romantic movies—but whenever he looked at the dying patient in front of him, or on Wang Yibo’s military badge that shone whenever light reflected on it at night, he knew that those thoughts would just remain as thoughts. This was just a mere fantasy, a borrowed happiness, and sooner or later, they would wake up from their beautiful dream.
“You don’t know?”
“I was deployed here as a Doctor, and he’s the in-command here. We were never meant to be together, at least not at this place, and,” Xiao Zhan paused, overcome with all the repressed thoughts and worries that he managed to store away at the back of his mind. He knew this confrontation would happen soon, and he wasn’t ready for it. Frankly, he would never be ready for this.
He was never this fragile before—so breakable, but ever since he came to this camp, he’s been feeling a lot less like himself.
“I never could have imagined myself falling for him this hard when I met him weeks ago. But I still did. My heart stubbornly beats for him.” He added in a soft voice. Somehow, his heart felt lighter, now that he had admitted it out loud. A month apparently, was enough for people to fall in love.
“Whatever we have right now, is temporary. It won’t last.” Xiao Zhan swallowed the lump on his throat, and blinked the unshed tears in his eyes. This is the truth, but it didn't hurt any less.
“Is that what you really think Zhan-ge?” Peng Chuyue and Xiao Zhan rapidly turned their heads at the direction of the voice, surprised. They found Wang Yibo standing in front of the door, holding a bunch of freshly picked flowers in his hands. Xiao Zhan’s heart fell.
“Yibo, I—”
“You think this is temporary? My feelings for you are temporary?” Wang Yibo’s face was etched with hurt and betrayal. He was crumpling the stems on his hands, and Xiao Zhan’s heart constricted at the sight. Xiao Zhan hesitated, mouth closing and opening repeatedly, unable to form a coherent sentence that would answer Wang Yibo. If it’s possible, Wang Yibo looked broken than he already was upon seeing Xiao Zhan’s hesitance, and before they knew it, Wang Yibo already turned his back at them, dropping the flowers on the ground.
“Wang Yibo!”
Xiao Zhan stepped forward to follow the said man, but another colleague suddenly blocked his way while panting. A new batch of injured patients just came in, and they needed to work.
Xiao Zhan looked at Wang Yibo’s retreating back, and he never knew it would hurt this much to watch him walk away. Peng Chuyue came up to pat his back sympathetically, before handing him his stethoscope. He looked at the instrument in his hands, and he remembered that he’s a Doctor deployed on a war. He clutched it, gripping it tightly in his hands, as if the pressure would erase everything that happened. He then went to follow his colleague, with Peng Chuyue trailing after him. Just as always, his duties came first, so he pushed whatever he’s feeling at the back of his mind.
-
Xiao Zhan was always looking forward to their nightly meetings, hoping for his shift to end and the sun to set, but this time, his heart was filled with dread. He didn’t know if Wang Yibo would still be there at their usual meeting place, or if he was too mad to even show up. Xiao Zhan was getting restless; his shift ended an hour ago and he was usually already out at this time, but not tonight. This was his way out, his only chance to save himself from the impending heartbreak that would probably happen in the future—but whenever he closed his eyes, he could only see Wang Yibo’s hurt expression from earlier. His eyes caught sight of the book where the first flowers that he received from Wang Yibo were pressed into. He stared at it; clenched his fist, before standing up to head outside.
Think with your brain and not with your heart, they say, but not on this one, not when Wang Yibo was worth everything.
-
Wang Yibo was already there when he arrived, with his slouched back facing him. The said soldier looked extra tired lately, and Xiao Zhan felt even guiltier for stressing him more. He carefully sat beside him— Wang Yibo still had his eyes at a distance, but Xiao Zhan could tell that he was as nervous as he was, judging by the way his muscles tensed up when their shoulders came in contact. Xiao Zhan laid his head on Wang Yibo’s shoulders like he would usually do, and he was glad when Wang Yibo finally relaxed at his touch.
A few minutes had already passed, but no one dared to break the silence. Xiao Zhan wanted to say everything, to let all his feelings out, but he was too afraid to voice out his thoughts. He wanted to say sorry, to say that he liked him, and he’s hurt because he knew that they won’t be together at the end, would they? They were sitting side by side, but Xiao Zhan felt like Wang Yibo was miles away.
Xiao Zhan lifted his head from Wang Yibo’s shoulders, and it seemed to snap Wang Yibo on his thoughts. Wang Yibo looked at him for the first time tonight, and just when he thought that he would finally say something, Wang Yibo diverted his eyes to look at the distance again. Xiao Zhan prepared to leave, because clearly, they were both not ready to talk, but a voice stopped him.
“I like you.”
It’s soft against the sound of bombs and bullets in the background, but Xiao Zhan heard it loud and clear. Wang Yibo’s expression was neutral—any traces of emotions were effectively hidden underneath his façade of being calm, but when he glanced down, Wang Yibo’s hands were slightly shaking as he fiddled with the hem of his uniform. Just before Xiao Zhan could completely understand what he was about to do, he was already reaching out for Wang Yibo’s trembling hands to encase it on his own. Wang Yibo looked at him, surprised, and Xiao Zhan never saw him look this vulnerable before. Wang Yibo was tired, funny, and tough, but to see the look of uncertainty in his eyes replacing the usual brightness and confidence that it once held, pained Xiao Zhan. He’s the cause of this, and Xiao Zhan suddenly felt an urge to cry.
“I’m sorry,” Xiao Zhan replied, and he watched as Wang Yibo’s face fell. Xiao Zhan realized his mistake immediately after, so he tightened his hold on Wang Yibo’s hand before continuing, “I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings and just went ahead with mine. I—” Xiao Zhan paused to take a big breath, “I like you too.” He whispered, as he lowered his head to wait for Wang Yibo’s answer. He really shouldn’t be encouraging this. He could walk away, pretend that the past month didn’t happen, but it’s too late and he’s already way too deep. The soldier already meant so much to him. He won’t allow himself to let him go.
Wang Yibo suddenly unclasped his hands from Xiao Zhan’s, and Xiao Zhan snapped his head up, afraid. Wang Yibo pulled him forward to envelope him on a tight hug, and just with that, all of his worries and questions vanished away. Xiao Zhan burrowed his head at the crook of Wang Yibo’s neck, melting onto Wang Yibo’s warmth. Xiao Zhan felt like a huge weight was lifted off from his heart, and he could finally breathe again.
“We’ll make this work, I promise.” Wang Yibo told him that night, voice firm and confident. Wang Yibo sounded so sure, so Xiao Zhan let himself believe him.
-
They shared their first ever kiss under the same big Mahogany Tree. It’s chaste and sweet; the sound of bullets and bombs are a terrible replacement for fireworks, but Wang Yibo’s plump lips were soft and warm against his and for now, it’s the only thing that mattered.
[D-36]
After a few days, nothing was changed drastically with the way they acted around each other, except Xiao Zhan could tell that Wang Yibo was stressed over something. He always tried to ask what was wrong, but Wang Yibo would just brush it off saying that it’s nothing.
“It’s just that my friends kept on teasing me, asking me about my whereabouts whenever I’m out.”
Xiao Zhan knew that he was fibbing, but he just let him be; Wang Yibo would talk about it if he’s ready.
This time, it’s Xiao Zhan who wrapped his arms around Wang Yibo. He debated kissing Wang Yibo’s cheek for a second to somehow lift his mood up, before deciding to just go with it.
Wang Yibo’s smile after the innocent kiss was beyond beautiful.
[D-40]
“I already noticed you when your group first arrived here. I was looking at you, but you were looking at something else.” Wang Yibo spoke out of nowhere, and Xiao Zhan hummed softly, prompting Wang Yibo to continue.
“I tried to make you notice me for a week, but you and I were both busy so I eventually gave up. It’s tough luck that I saw you outside, almost smoking in a restricted area.” Wang Yibo laughed a little, and Xiao Zhan punched his arm playfully. He remembered their first meeting as if it was just yesterday. Xiao Zhan was embarrassed for being caught, but thinking of it now, he was glad that he did it. He scooted closer to Wang Yibo’s side and Wang Yibo wrapped his arms around him, his body heat radiating off and warming Xiao Zhan against the cold breeze.
“I invited you for a talk, remember? I thought we had fun on our first meeting so I came back again the next day, hoping you’ll be there too. You weren’t there though, and I waited for days for you to come back. I was starting to think that I’m giving myself false hope by waiting, so I promised myself that if you’re still not there on the fourth day, I’ll give up. But you came back on that night, and I wanted to hope again. Thank you for coming back here.
A smile bloomed on Xiao Zhan's face. He pressed a gentle kiss on the young captain's shoulder in lieu of a reply.
“That meeting was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” Wang Yibo whispered after a while, voice weak and soft, but still with a hint of his usual warmth.
Xiao Zhan didn’t answer him back verbally, though he also wrapped his arms on Wang Yibo’s torso, and he knew that it’s enough for Wang Yibo to know that he felt just the same.
[D-45]
Wang Yibo was getting quieter, Xiao Zhan had noted. He seemed often deep in his thoughts, and Xiao Zhan had no idea why because Wang Yibo refused to say anything no matter how much he pestered him to talk. They were sitting at their usual place, cuddled up under Xiao Zhan’s small blanket. (When Xiao Zhan first brought his blanket with him, Wang Yibo teased him about it for the entire night.)
“You're into music too, right? Sing for me?” Xiao Zhan blurted out of the blue, as he laid down on the grass, placing his head on Wang Yibo’s strong thighs, making it his make-shift pillow. He made himself comfortable, before focusing his attention back on Wang Yibo.
“I danced.” Wang Yibo corrected, as he absentmindedly played with Xiao Zhan’s hair. The touch was soothing and made Xiao Zhan drowsy.
“Doesn't matter. Sing?” Xiao Zhan heard Wang Yibo release a sigh, along with a grumble on how demanding he was, and he instantly knew that his request would be granted.
-
Xiao Zhan let Wang Yibo’s husky voice fill his ears; let the unfamiliar song slowly lull him to sleep. He didn't know if Wang Yibo’s voice had magic, because it muted the distant sounds of bullets and bombs in the background, until all that he could hear was his voice.
[D-47]
Home is where your heart is, something that Xiao Zhan didn't intend to find whilst in the middle of a war. He felt like he’s home whenever he’s with Wang Yibo, wrapped inside his protective embrace, basking in his warmth and affection. This was his home, and he didn't ever want to leave.
[D-50]
Xiao Zhan was doing all the talk lately, but he didn't mind. He minded though, the ever-present frown on Wang Yibo’s face when he thought that he wasn’t looking. The distant sounds of war didn’t sound that distant anymore, so Xiao Zhan put two and two together and came up with a possible reason.
“Does the situation look bad?” Wang Yibo didn't answer, but it only confirmed Xiao Zhan’s suspicion.
“Is that why you are troubled lately?” Still silence. “You don’t have to come here if you were needed there, you know. Or you can just rest if you are tired. I won’t miss you.” At the end of his sentence, a small smile was already formed at the corner of Wang Yibo’s lips.
“I like being here.” With you .
The answer was simple, but it made Xiao Zhan’s heart flutter anyway. Xiao Zhan can’t see himself, though he’s sure that he’s as red as a tomato.
“It’s Christmas soon, right? What do you want? I can’t be sure that I could give you the best gift but I’ll try my be—” Flustered and obviously embarrassed, Xiao Zhan began to ramble about random things, pretending that he didn’t hear anything, only to be cut off with an unexpected kiss.
“Can you be my gift? Can I have a date with you please?”
Xiao Zhan hoped that the sound of bullets and bombs were enough to mask Wang Yibo’s cries when he pinched him on his sides after.
[D-52]
Their team has been receiving a lot of casualties—the head count doubled in just a span of two days. It’s alarming, because almost every hour, a fresh batch of wounded soldiers were sent to their camp. The sound of bombs going off sounded so much nearer too and they tried not to be afraid but it’s hard when it’s clear that everything was getting worse.
For the first time on that night, Xiao Zhan was sitting alone under the Mahogany Tree. Xiao Zhan was lying, because he did miss Wang Yibo.
[D-53]
Xiao Zhan didn’t know that it’s possible to be busier than yesterday. If this continued on, he’s sure that they’ll be out of medicine supplies soon (and energy). Xiao Zhan glanced around and everyone was as busy as they were. Some soldiers were running, and he vaguely recognized Wang Yibo among the troops. He didn’t meet him for a night but Wang Yibo already looked so worn out. He had his eyebrows furrowed at the center, and with the way he constantly brushed his hair back—he’s furious about something. It’s Xiao Zhan’s first time seeing Wang Yibo so agitated. He was talking to one of another high ranked officer, and the officer was mirroring Wang Yibo’s expression. Suddenly, a pained shout from one of his patients brought him back to reality. He sneaked a glance at Wang Yibo’s direction, but the soldier was already gone. Xiao Zhan tried to focus on that day, stopping himself from thinking of a certain Captain again as he poured alcohol and stitch wounds on their patients.
-
Despite Xiao Zhan’s body screaming for him to just sleep and rest, he still went to their meeting place. Wang Yibo was nowhere to be seen, and Xiao Zhan tried his hardest not to feel disappointed. Still, instead of heading back to his quarters, he sat and leaned on the tree.
-
Xiao Zhan was jolted awake. He didn’t even realize that he fell asleep. Mind still muddled with sleep and exhaustion, it took him a few minutes to register that his head was on a sleeping Wang Yibo’s lap, who’s leaning on the tree in an uncomfortable position. Wang Yibo’s hand was buried in his hair, who had probably fallen asleep while combing his locks. Xiao Zhan removed his hand carefully so as to not wake him up, before sitting up. It’s only been two days since he last saw Wang Yibo but he honestly missed the soldier so much. Even in his sleep, Wang Yibo was frowning, so Xiao Zhan brought his hand up to caress his face until his frown was replaced with a small smile. He stared at him wistfully, before Xiao Zhan leaned close until their faces were mere inches apart. Despite the bags on his eyes, Wang Yibo looked so beautiful up close. His tall nose, his long and dark lashes, his high cheeks, unblemished skin—overall, Wang Yibo is gorgeous and charming and he honestly didn’t know why someone like him could take interest in him. Xiao Zhan closed his eyes, before leaning forward to lose the remaining distance between them to softly peck the sleeping soldier’s lips.
Embarrassed by his actions, Xiao Zhan moved back immediately, but a hand was suddenly placed on his neck to keep him from moving away. Xiao Zhan opened his eyes, and was met with Wang Yibo’s own ones. Wang Yibo tilted his head to the side, prompting Xiao Zhan to do the same to deepen the kiss. Putting his embarrassment aside, Xiao Zhan closed his eyes again, letting himself melt in Wang Yibo’s kiss.
There was something wrong with the way Wang Yibo kissed him tonight.
[D-55]
“What are we?”
“We can be whatever you wanted us to be.”
It’s straight out of a movie line—a cliché answer on his equally cliché question, but he accepted it anyway. Wang Yibo hugged him tighter.
The sounds were much nearer, and Xiao Zhan wondered, if it’s almost time to wake up from this beautiful dream.
[D-59]
Xiao Zhan was sleeping when a series of hurried knocks woke him up. He just got back from their meeting place after Wang Yibo failed to show up again. He was too exhausted to even move so he kicked Peng Chuyue to open the door. Peng Chuyue flashed him the middle finger after falling down from his bed.
When the door was opened, they were expecting new patients but were surprised when Peng Chuyue was forcefully pulled outside. Hearing his friend’s screech, Xiao Zhan stood up, only to be yanked outside too.
Once outside, Xiao Zhan met the other doctors who were also abruptly pulled from their quarters. He asked them if they knew what was happening, but they were just as clueless as they all are. They all didn’t have the time to grab their belongings, but fortunately, the soldiers brought their bags for them. A group of soldiers were surrounding them, and Peng Chuyue asked one of them about the current situation.
“The terrorists are nearing our camp. We need to evacuate all of you before they arrive here.”
Upon hearing the reply, Xiao Zhan immediately thought of Wang Yibo. He could now understand why he was getting so stressed lately, or the sudden increase of casualties that their team has been receiving for the past days. Some of his colleagues were frozen with fear, but some were like Peng Chuyue who was already on the verge of tears. Xiao Zhan squeezed Peng Chuyue’s shoulders to calm him down, and that seemed like a bad idea because Peng Chuyue started to let the tears fall from his eyes. Xiao Zhan was afraid too, but the worry that he had for Wang Yibo overtook his emotions.
“Where is Yibo?” The soldier just looked at him blankly, and Xiao Zhan tried not to snap at him.
“Captain Wang? Where is he?”
The soldier just shook his head in response. Xiao Zhan was about to say something again when Peng Chuyue’s hand pulled him back. He sat back down dejectedly. Xiao Zhan could do nothing but pray for Wang Yibo’s safety.
-
Half an hour later, the soldiers started to move them again. This time, they didn’t have the time to ask because they were running, dragged to the direction outside the camp. The soldiers had a bruising grip on their arms so as to not lose any of them. The other soldiers that were not with them were going back and forth, carrying weapons and bullets somewhere. The severity of the current situation was apparent; everything was in chaos, and the sound of ammunition was deafening.
After a few minutes of running, the soldier hastily guided them to a waiting military truck that was hidden behind the trees. A bomb went off a few kilometers from them, shaking the ground underneath their feet. They waited in tense silence for a possible follow up attack, and when the coast was clear, the soldiers helped them climb up urgently without a word. They were preparing to leave but Xiao Zhan still hadn’t seen Wang Yibo. Xiao Zhan couldn’t bear leaving without even talking to him.
Once sure that everyone was in the vehicle, the soldiers signaled the driver to start the engine. Suddenly, Wang Yibo’s figure squeezed through the troop of soldiers.
“Wang Yibo!” Xiao Zhan let the tears finally fall from his eyes. His heart was flooded with relief when he saw that Wang Yibo was still safe and alive. He wanted to jump back down, but the soldiers blocked his way. Xiao Zhan cried harder.
“I’m going to court you properly once this is over!” Wang Yibo was shouting, but Xiao Zhan could barely hear him against the sound of ammunition and bombs. “I’ll find you! Wait for me!” Xiao Zhan could barely hold himself up, Peng Chuyue supporting him as his entire body shook with each sob.
“I would!” Xiao Zhan fiercely shouted back, but his voice was drowned out when the engine roared to life. Xiao Zhan should have expected this to happen soon, but rationality was lost when people fall in love. He chose to get involved with a soldier, and now he was paying for the price. Do they love just to experience separation?
“See you again!” Xiao Zhan shouted one last time. He didn't care if they’re making a scene, or judged by the people around them. That was what Wang Yibo always said whenever he was escorted back, but unlike now, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever see him again.
Wang Yibo was smiling at him, but the corners of his lips were quivering in an attempt to hold his emotions back. Wang Yibo’s smile had always been beautiful, and Xiao Zhan wished to see it again soon.
Their vehicle started to move away— Xiao Zhan watched with tears-blurred eyes as Wang Yibo’s figure became smaller and smaller. He slumped back inside the car, ignoring the pitiful looks sent on his way. Xiao Zhan left the camp, along with a piece of his heart to the man who completed it.
I’ll wait for you.
[D-68]
Wang Yibo told Xiao Zhan to wait for him, so he did. He promised that he’ll be back, so Xiao Zhan believed him. He watched the news every day to get updates about the situation in the north, but there was no news regarding Wang Yibo’s troop. His colleagues were already back from their usual routines, except for Xiao Zhan. Each passing day without any updates about Wang Yibo; Xiao Zhan was slowly filled with dread.
Xiao Zhan opened the book that contained the flowers—Daffodils—his only reminder of Wang Yibo and their fleeting romance.
[D-79]
When Xiao Zhan met Wang Yibo again after weeks, it’s Xiao Zhan’s turn to give him flowers. He watched as more flowers were thrown, as Wang Yibo’s coffin descended down.
[D-99]
“Hello, Chuyue? Could you please help me cover my remaining shift later?”
“ But it’s Christmas day!”
“I know, but just a couple of hours and I’ll be back. Please?”
“ What would you even do at that time?”
“I have a date.”
“ Oh .”
There’s silence behind the line, before Peng Chuyue’s voice went softer.
“ I’m glad for you, ZhanZhan. You deserve to be happy after all. Have fun on your date and come back whenever.”
“Thank you, Chuyue. I owe you this one.”
-
The guard smiled at him when he recognized Xiao Zhan by the gates. He went there enough times to be a familiar face with the staff. The guard, Yu Bin as he recalled, offered to accompany him, in which Xiao Zhan politely declined.
His feet led him to a place that he already knew by heart. He stopped in front, before placing his things on the ground.
“Hi, I’m back again. I asked you before about the gift that you wanted, and now I’m here. I don’t know about the date part of your wish, but I bought some food with me. I hope it’s enough.”
A tear fell onto the tombstone, then followed by another and another.
“Merry Christmas, Bo-di.”
[D-12]
“Do you believe in reincarnation Wang Yibo?”
“I do.”
“Would we still meet even though there isn’t a war and we aren’t doctors and soldiers? Maybe you can be an idol, and I’ll be a singer. Or a painter. I love to paint. Or you could be an ant or just a leaf! Who knows?” Xiao Zhan mumbled sleepily while Wang Yibo just laughed at him. He watched as Xiao Zhan repeatedly blinked, trying his best to stay awake. Wang Yibo looked away because Xiao Zhan was being cute and he didn’t know if he could handle it. He could handle a bullet or any wounds, but his heart couldn't handle Xiao Zhan.
“I believe in fate and destiny. And if they’re not on our side, I would just find you. We’ll meet again. I’ll make sure of that.” Wang Yibo replied thoughtfully after a while, but all that he received was soft snores. He turned to look at Xiao Zhan again and sure enough, he was already fast asleep—head lolled back in an uncomfortable position that would surely hurt his neck when he woke up tomorrow. Wang Yibo stared at Xiao Zhan’s peaceful sleeping face, then briefly on his watch, before scooping the said doctor carefully on his arms to bring him back to his sleeping quarters.
-
It took him a few kicks on the door before a scowling, sleepy doctor opened the door for him. Wang Yibo bowed slightly to address him and began to wordlessly enter their quarters to place Xiao Zhan on his bunk. He covered him with his blanket, and once sure that Xiao Zhan was settled, bid goodbye to the still gawking doctor at the front door.
-
Wang Yibo chose to ignore the playful remarks of the other officers when he went back smiling on his sleeping quarters that night.
“Eyy, are you meeting someone secretly?”
Wang Yibo grinned at them, eyes turning into crescents and lips stretched out at the corner of his face. He turned around, once satisfied at the disapproving faces of his friends.
“Stop smiling so much, you’re creeping us out.”
-
Wang Yibo knew better than to fall in love with an army doctor in the middle of the war, but he still did.