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It had been a long day. Granted, most days on the Unreliable were long, but today had really outdone itself. He couldn’t even bring himself to study or even indulge in the tossball cast. He just sat by the small excuse of a window, staring out at the Monarch sunset. It would have been a beautiful planet, had everything not been determined to kill you.
As the light faded below the horizon, he found himself questioning the point of it all. He had been asking himself that a lot. If there was no purpose, what was the point? He felt empty. And with the loud voices coming from the mess down the hall, he felt isolated. He’d wasted his life in pursuit of a lie. Max wanted to sleep, but he found himself mesmerized by the last lines of light fading in the inky sky, clinging to the day the way he had clung to his search for meaning: in vain.
A small knock broke him out of his thoughts. The Captain was leaning against the doorway to his cabin. They smiled softly and held aloft a bottle and two glasses. “May I interrupt?”
The voices of the rest of the crew still floated down the hallway, meaning that they had left them to join him. He stood, slightly taken aback by their appearance. “I’m not sure what you’re interrupting.” He admitted.
“Personal thought and contemplation. Ruminations of the secrets of the universe.” They sat down on the edge of his bunk, balancing the two glasses on their lap while they poured the two of them a drink, “A very lovely daydream, perhaps?”
He turned his desk chair to face them and sat down, accepting the glass they offered. “That all sounds like a lot of work.” He mumbled, looking down at the glass’s contents.
It was sweet smelling, and unfamiliar. Hell with it, he thought, and threw the drink back. It was as sweet as it smelled, and warmer than he expected. It spread across his chest as the liquor burned its way down his throat. His tired muscles relaxed a little. “Oh, come on, Max, we only hiked…” They looked jokingly at their wrist as if they were consulting a watch, “Fifteen miles, killed one mantiqueen and completely changed the political atmosphere of the planet.”
“You make it sound so mundane.”
The Captain leaned forward and refilled his glass. “It does sound pedestrian.” The Captain replied, smiling, playing their game of who can find the better synonym.
Too bad he wasn’t in the mood for it. He downed the second glass with less hesitation than the first, hoping the alcohol would cloud the overcrowded thoughts in his head. “You know, Max,” They finished their glass, “Just because the purpose you thought was there…” They paused, frowning as they tried to form the words, “No… I meant just… Just because you were point… Fuck.” They looked down at the bottle, “Maybe this stuff was a little stronger than I expected.”
He snorted at the sheepish look on their face. They shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” They downed their glass, “I just wish I knew…”
The sentence faded off as they looked at the bottom of their empty glass. They sat there in silence for a moment. Max’s foggy mind drifted. He like the Captain’s company and he secretly hoped they enjoyed his. After all, they had come to be with him, right? That was a good sign. Then, suddenly they shot up to their feet. “Oh!” They gasped, eyes wide, “Oh, I DO know!”
They grabbed his hand and he found himself smiling as they dragged him down the hall to their quarters. They released their as they entered the cabin, bestowing on him the bottle before they turned to confront the room, then proceeded to fall to their knees in front of their storage chest. He took swigs as he watched them rummage through their things, wondering what the hell they were looking for. And when they spun around triumphantly, holding aloft a small metal box, the look on their face was so ridiculously victorious that he couldn’t hold in his laughter. Then they were giggling because in his fit of laughter, he had spilled some of the bottle on his shoes. And then he was laughing harder because well… he wasn’t sure what was so funny, he just knew he couldn’t stop.
They cackled their way down the steps, holding each other up as they stumbled to the cargo bay. His muscles hurt from laughing. He tried to catch his breath as the Captain set up their little box on a crate, only then realized that he had dropped the bottle somewhere along the way. Had they drunk it all? Or were they leaving a mess for SAM to clean up. His attention focused back on the Captain as they cleared their throat. They spun dramatically to face him. “I’m pretty sure what we are about to do is highly illegal.”
He shook his head, trying to not start laughing again. “Since when is anything you do legal?”
“Fair enough.” They agreed, spinning on their heel to press a button on their little box.
But they spun a little too fast, their feet getting caught on each other. Max lunged forward, catching them. They both stayed there like that for a moment, just staring at each other. He liked having them close, he thought. “I like it when you laugh.” The Captain said softly, “You haven’t laughed in a while.”
Max felt his cheeks flush. He didn’t know how to respond. Suddenly his mind was blank. Was it a compliment or an endearment or…? “I… I have to turn it on.” They mumbled, waving weakly towards their contraption.
He straightened immediately, steadying them and taking a step back. He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling a little awkward. Music began the emanate from the contraption and the Captain sway slowly in time with it. “I’ve never heard this before. What company is this for?”
They chuckled. “It’s just a song, Max. They used to make just plain songs.” They turned, shimmying a little to the beat, “Do you want to dance?”
“Dance?”
The Captain smiled and took his hands, placing one on their waist and resting one of theirs on his shoulder. “This is what people used to do.” They explained, “To, you know, express themselves.”
They were nudging his feet with their own, pushing him gently to move to the music. “But… why?”
“Because we can, Max. Because there is more to life than just working.” They rested their head against his shoulder, their hair brushing against his chin, “Life is about being you.”
“Being me.” He echoed, “But how do you know…”
“And it’s about finding yourself.” They chuckled, “That’s why people danced. That’s why people sang songs. You express your feelings and opinions and in doing so, shape yourself.”
He was very aware of how close they were; very aware of them pressed against him; of the tingle that the music was sending down his spine. “This is very illegal.” He mumbled, resting his head against theirs.
They sighed contentedly. “That’s the best part.”
Max was realizing how hard they were trying to make him feel better, and how easily they were succeeding. He found himself focusing on how he felt in that moment. It was a new feeling, but it was nice and comfortable and yet a little terrifying at the same time. They giggled a little and he could feel it in his chest; at tickling little vibration that was warmer than the liquor. “Max?”
He did enjoy the way they said his name. So familiar. No one else talked to him like that; held him in such close regard. Always ‘Vicar this’ and ‘Vicar that’. But with the Captain, it was always ‘Max’. “Yes?”
Their hand had crept up to his neck, the tips of their fingers tracing along his jaw. They pulled away a little and looked at him. “May I kiss you?”
Everything seemed to slow down for a moment. His breath caught in his throat; his heart pounded in his ears. Kiss? The Captain? He was all of sudden dangerously sober. Before his brain had even processed the request, his mouth was speaking for him.
Well… not speaking per say. Before he could even think to say yes, his lips were pressed against theirs and their arms were snaking around his neck.
It wasn’t as if he had thought often of kissing the Captain, but it would be a lie to say it had never crossed his mind. He couldn’t say that the long moments alone in elevators on Groundbreaker or quiet seconds spent pouring over the navigation computer while deciding their next destination hadn’t lingered in his mind. It would be a lie to say he didn’t think of their eyes often, or the way they smiled or… how he imagined their touch felt.
None of that really mattered. His mind was more focused on the Captain’s tongue and the way they were slowly backing up against the wall so he could press against them. His fingers dug into their hips, desperately holding them as close as possible. He felt dizzy and he wasn’t sure if was the alcohol or if he needed to take a breath but couldn’t stop. He was grinding his hips into theirs and as they sighed against him, their breath tickling his skin, he felt as if he might go mad if he couldn’t be closer to them.
And suddenly hands were fumbling at shirts, drunken haze hindering their dexterity. They were giggling again as they both struggled, shuffling to give each other enough space. One foot hit another and they toppled over. The Captain was on top of him, their limbs on tangled and all they could was laugh. Hysterically. Because they were drunk and kissing in the cargo bay and now, they were on the floor. And there was more laughter than just the two of them. The Captain groaned as they turned to see an audience. Their crewmates leaned up against the railing above. Felix was doubled over. Nyoka was clapping. Ellie was whistling and jeering. Parvati was blushing intensely and looked as if she had been coerced. “What a show!” Ellie hooted, “Great game you too.”
They all made their way down and began asking the Captain about the music and what was that thing they were doing? Dancing? As the Captain laughed and proceeded to demonstrate, Max realized what the Captain had been trying to tell him. This was the point. Having the Captain gently take his hand and hold him close. Listening to the crew laugh and joke and be happy together… and to be happy with them. The crew paired up, following the Captain’s lead and soon they were all turning slowly to the music. He held them close, resting his cheek against theirs and he began to realize what the purpose of it all was.