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“Saix, please!” Axel called out to the man storming out of the door, “Listen to me!”
“What is there to listen to?” Saix finally stopped to reply, turning back to Axel. His face was a mixture of hurt, anger, and, if Axel looked hard enough, fear. “You’ve made yourself completely clear,” Saix huffed out before going back to face forward.
“You’re being irrational, please, let me-” Axel tried to plead before Saix slammed the door behind him. Axel was left, crumpled on the bed, to dry his own tears. He let a sigh out as he rubbed his eyes off the backs of his hands. He laid down, blankly staring at the white ceiling. The tears stung as they fell down, some pooling at the edges of his eyes. His breathing quickened to the point of hurting; it was as if he had too much oxygen and not enough at the same time. Axel wanted to laugh at how pitiful he had become.
“Good job, Axel,” he spoke to himself, his voice hoarse from the previous screaming. “Fucked up this time,” the red-head flipped over to his side, resting in fetal position as he felt the knots in his stomach only get tighter. The tears didn’t stop, and he couldn’t stop it. It was the first time in years that Axel understood what losing something felt. It’s funny, as a nobody, he knew he shouldn’t be able to feel anything. That’s what Xemnas told all of them, but Axel wondered why it hurt so much to see Saix close the door. Pressing his lips together to make sure he was soundless, he couldn’t stop the stray whimpers from escaping.
It had gotten so bad that the nagging feeling of vomiting clawed at the back of his throat; Axel pushed himself off the bed, disorientated, as he stumbled into the bathroom. Dry heaving over the sink, Axel made the mistake of looking at himself in the mirror. He was the definition of a mess. His usually kept mane was wild, hair falling over his face and draping over his shoulders. His eyes were so puffy and red that it reminded Axel of a crying baby. Maybe that really was what he was reduced to. His lips were swollen from the constant crying, and spit had started to slide down his mouth from his heaving.
Axel stopped trying to vomit after the lump in his throat slowly dissipated, but it never really left him. He was desolate, and he didn’t want anyone else to see him like this. He couldn’t go out and risk the chance of seeing an Organization member; having anyone find him so pitifully would ruin him. He couldn’t go out and even meet Roxas and Xion at the tower; the two of them were gone. Axel choked out another cry. He couldn’t go out and talk to Saix. “Of course not,” Axel dryly laughed as he sat on the bathroom floor, leaning on the closed door.
He tried to recollect what happened before. All of the screaming and accusations. Axel told him that he had to leave the Organization, which Saix reacted in disbelief. He didn’t know how to tell Saix that he had to bring Roxas and Xion back, even if it meant betraying the Organization, even betraying Saix. It all came out of him at once, with less finesse than he wished.
Saix was quick to anger, quick to yell at Axel for how stupid he was sounding, quick to throw books off the desk. Saix told him he was making the biggest mistake, that he was throwing Saix away for what? For some kids? Saix kept going, yelling at Axel about how inconsiderate he was being, asking Axel if he ever thought about him? How he’d feel? Axel was overwhelmed; he never thought Saix could get like this, outside of Berserk mode. It almost was as if he was in Berserk mode. Axel was scared, scared at what Saix was going to do next, and he was never scared of Saix.
Saix stopped when he saw Axel beginning to cry, wanting to comfort Axel, but he knew he was out of line. Saix had mumbled a quiet ‘ sorry ’ that would’ve gone unheard if the two weren’t deathly quiet otherwise. Axel thickly swallowed, wanting to speak and explain himself. When Axel brought his head up, he saw the other man walk away. Pleading and begging and screaming for Saix to stay, Axel knew it was pointless.
Axel squeezed harder on his knees, which were splayed straight out in front of him. He was looking at the floor with unfocused eyes, not paying attention to what was really around him. He closed his eyes, letting his hands fall onto the cold tiles, suddenly hyper aware of the little grooves that ran under his fingertips. His breathing had steadied, but the occasional erratic breath still got to him. His cries were stopping, and the tacky feeling of dried tears on his cheeks were becoming a comfort to him. Gripping the end of the sink, Axel stood up on shaky legs. He decided to lay back on his bed.
The bedroom was a wreck, flung books and ripped pages laid in disarray. It hurt Axel’s heart; a reminder of what happened. But, it was okay, Axel told himself, because this would be one of his last nights here. He was determined to bring Roxas and Xion back, and he couldn’t let his personal affairs get in the way of that. If it meant leaving the Organization for good, then so be it. He could care less about this place, about the people in here. Axel fed himself lies in hopes that he would believe them.
Leaving the Organization meant leaving Saix behind, forever. It meant the next time he would meet his best friend, his first and only love, it would be in the pretense of a battle. Axel can’t kill him, knows he can’t bring himself to do it, but that was for another day to think about. Axel just hoped that Saix still knows that he loves him and won’t ever stop.
The chill of the night alerted Axel to the open window. The heart-shaped moon almost mocking him as he thought back of how Saix had always loved the moon. He leaned his arms on the window sill, watching the stars.
Maybe, just maybe, a voice in the back of Axel’s head hoped, things could go back to normal. Axel and Saix would become Lea and Isa again, and they wouldn’t have to worry about anything else other than mundane things. Things about who is cooking dinner, who cleaned the house last, who lost the car keys. Axel smiled to himself, as he stared at the darkened clouds. His smile dropped, only to be replaced with something akin to sadness.
He took a deep breath in, letting his shoulders drop.
Whispering words of reassurance to himself, as he looked up to the glowing moon.
“We’ll be alright.”