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It has now become a habit for Atsumu to receive this kind of message from Hinata. He has been receiving them every two weeks for almost a year now, but each time it has the same effect on him. When the notification displays the name of the little redhead, Atsumu always hopes to get the message that will make him revive that poor heart so badly treated that he has been carrying around like a weight since his meeting with Hinata Shoyo. And this time is no exception to the rule.
Coat on, Atsumu leaves his house to join his car and start the same road as always. He knows it so well that in the end he doesn't even need to know the address, he could drive with his eyes closed that it would be the same thing. He would always arrive in front of Hinata Shoyo's house, his eyes in his heart and his heart throbbing in the most pitiful of states due to all these false hopes. On the road, the blond guy stops at a konbini to buy some snacks and beers, as he always does, and then sets off again to console the redhead.
Comfort him for what? The fact that Osamu has rejected him again. It has been going on for almost a year now, and Atsumu is only a secondary character in it, to his great regret. Before he met this little redhead, the blond would never have thought that he would go through such trials as those he has faced. He would never have believed, already, that he would fall in love. For the Atsumu of two years ago, love is only a big playground, in which he is the king. It was a little sweet sin to lay his cards on it.
Tall, beautiful smile, blond dyed hair, bewitching words and there they all are at his feet. Atsumu always believed he was the king, the main character, the one who would rule his life, with his own laws. But that was long before he met Hinata. After that, it wasn't the same. All his confidence and ego were questioned after having been robbed of the lead role by no one but his twin brother, Osamu Miya.
These two, moreover, are only pure opposites, so that one sees similarities only in appearance. Atsumu is extroverted, good talker and likes to be talked about, then Osamu is calm, reserved but hides a part of mischief when he obviously wants to, simply with more tact than his brother. It's not that these two don't get along, on the contrary. Their relationship is one of the most fusional, they tell each other everything, at last they told each other everything. Since the arrival of the redhead, their relationship is no longer the same as before.
Atsumu moves away from Osamu as best he can, no longer being able to look him in the eye when he thinks about the fact that his brother has, what he will probably never have, and that he pushes him away more than anything else. At this point it is not even refusals anymore, it is excesses of anger shown by Osamu who, to everyone's knowledge, is so calm. As surprised as the rest of his relatives, Osamu has ended up closing in on himself, like his brother, leaving in their relationship only the simple fact that they are twin brothers.
Arrived at the bottom of Hinata's building, Atsumu raises his head and looks at the window of his beloved taking an inspiration. Then crossed the threshold of the front door, his heart starts again to make its own, and can no longer stop. He will see Hinata again, the one who illuminates his days and tarnishes his nights when he is at his lowest.
Atsumu has never known love before Hinata. All these feelings, emotions, contradictions and expressions, he only discovers them through his one-way love that he maintains like a plant at the end of its life, with little hope. Learning love in this way is surely the worst of all, but if he could have chosen Atsumu would have loved him anyway, this little redhead. To say that he only brings him sadness and anger would be lying and denying himself. Hinata is surely the only part of real sunshine in the blond man's life.
For years, Atsumu has been living with violence, trying to live by telling himself that what he had and what he was doing was good for him, but he knows better than anyone else that all he has done is move a little further away from reality. Going from left to right, lying and betraying, that's not what Atsumu wanted. He just ended up in it by hanging out with the wrong people. Basically, he's a nice guy, just alone.
So lonely, that his only way out was to hang out with boys whose only goal was debauchery. His brother told him several times to stop lying to himself, that one day it would all come back to bite him. But Atsumu didn't think it would be so violent and dry. For yes, we can say that Hinata is a slap in the face to the oldest. He has done nothing but change and question himself since his meeting with him.
Moreover their meeting is the perfect representation of the future which was going to offer to Atsumu by trying to interfere a little more in the life of Hinata.
Hinata is a pianist, just as Osamu is, and that's how they know each other. Osamu is considered one of the best, if not the best, of his category in the whole country, making him a real celebrity in the milieu. Hinata is just a fan, so big that he has studied Osamu's playing at length to be able to reproduce it to the exact sound. Once this was done, Hinata only got better and better, attracting the attention of many.
But the only attention that Hinata wants is Osamu's attention. And it was the day Atsumu first saw him that Hinata got Osamu's attention.
Sitting in the audience, after having offered a performance worthy of the genius that he is, Osamu had settled down beside his brother, who had come to attend this national contest. As the lights went out, a red-headed man greeted the audience, leaving whispers echoing throughout the room. Curious, the two brothers began to look at the stage and it was then that the younger boy's fingers met the keys of the piano.
Following this, a rain of notes and arrangements, a real anthology of melodies, all more beautiful and perfect than the others. The more he played, the better he played. It was incredible and all the more so because it was in front of everyone's eyes. Atsumu, who then knew nothing but a few notes to play "Frère Jacques", was nailed to his record. How could such small fingers go so fast? How could such a small body contain so many emotions? For although the music was breathtakingly rigorous and accurate, the emotions that flowed from it were of extraordinary magnitude. Atsumu had never heard such sound and such music. Where did it come from? Who was Atsumu? The blond man wanted to know everything about this redhead with fairy fingers.
When the performance was over, the twin brothers said nothing more to each other, too lost in their thoughts. We'll never know what Osamu thought about it, surely he enjoyed it, but nothing more. But Atsumu could feel his heart beating faster than the light, and his eyes stared into the emptiness. He felt an indescribable sensation inside him. What was going on? So many questions were being asked and his heart was not calming down.
Atsumu left the room full of emotion under the heavy gaze of his brother. And it is while joining the toilets that he crossed the path of the young Hinata Shoyo. Hinata was jumping as he walked, a very different attitude than on stage but one of the most adorable. Beside him, a boy with bleached blond hair and cat eyes, probably a friend? But as Atsumu walked by, he heard what made him what he is now:
"Do you think Osamu-senpai saw me? Do you think he liked it?"
A secondary character in Hinata's life.
With the ringing of the bell pressed, Atsumu waits wisely for the redhead to come and open the door for him. Running bag in hand, he thinks back to the last time when Hinata called him and they ended up watching a romance movie, the red-head's favorite genre, and the red-head fell asleep on Atsumu's shoulder.
The door opens on a very sad and dejected Hinata. Immediately, the latter melts into tears in the arms of the older one, who feels his heart beating even stronger to the point that Atsumu is afraid that Hinata will hear him. Once inside, the duo sits on the sofa.
Atsumu puts the beers and snacks on the coffee table but as soon as he puts it down, a can of beer is grabbed by Hinata who takes it in one go.
"Hey, easy, you're going to end up in a bad state otherwise, Hinata-Kun...," says Atsumu and takes the can away.
-I don't care... I have nothing more to lose."
The eyes of the blond then cling to the lost gaze of the younger one as he swallows another sip. In truth, the evenings when Hinata contacts Atsumu to once again tell him how Osamu can be cruel and heartless towards him, are not different from this one. And maybe that's what makes Atsumu so sad. He then joins the redhead by having a beer before letting himself go against the back of the couch and then swinging his head back and closing his eyes for a moment.
The silence in the room is not heavy, on the contrary it is the silence that Atsumu expects when he comes to Hinata's house. The same silence that makes him so calm and relaxed. This silence is not awkward or anything, it is one of those silences that one would never want to be broken. You just want to enjoy that moment of calm. Like a stopover in paradise, Hinata's apartment is above the buildings, the view is overlooking the city and the smell of jasmine plunges all the people who enter there into a state of total calm. Atsumu likes to come to Hinata's apartment, it's his little piece of paradise.
On the walls, the diplomas of the youngest and family photos. Atsumu now knows them by heart, having waited for Hinata to finish vomiting in the toilet after getting shitfaced, thinking of the violent words Osamu may have thrown at her. A shelf sits next to the TV, where thousands of books and scores are carefully arranged by alphabetical names. It is true, seeing Hinata at first sight, one would not think that he is so orderly and meticulous. This is surely one of the things that Atsumu is the only one to know about Hinata.
Because strangely, Atsumu has never seen anyone else than Kenma, the boy with the bleached hair and cat eyes, talking to Hinata and again, Kenma is rarely around with his volleyball matches. Sometimes, Atsumu would like to ask Hinata these kinds of questions, learn more about him, get to know him better, so that he will fall even more in love with him. Atsumu is aware of this; he barely knows the redhead. And as if the latter had heard him, Hinata says in a melancholic and very unfamiliar voice of his so luminous person:
"I was in love with a boy before. His name was Kageyama Tobio."
Eyes open and head turned in his direction, the blond looks at the younger one without being able to say anything. It's as if time stands still around them or that there are only two of them left on earth. As if a bubble had been created only for their two poor lost souls.
"Before Osamu. I was madly in love, really, really in love. I was... I loved him to tear my heart out of my chest so much as it hurt me to love so much. It was almost tiring."
At these words, Atsumu can only understand what the redhead is saying. But once again, the words stay in the back of his throat and he can just stare at Hinata speaking, with his eyes falling into nothingness.
"He didn't love me. At least not in that way, but it was fine with me. Having him by my side was the most beautiful gift I could ever receive. Then the closer we got, the more I loved him. It was a vicious circle in itself. By the way... One day we came home from school. And strangely we had had a fight because he had cancelled one of our outings to go out with a girl. I was jealous, possessive indeed. I refused to believe that he was giving priority to a girl I didn't even know, to me, his best friend. The one who had always been there... We were each on one side of the road. We were shouting insults at each other, thinking back we must have looked stupid, very stupid! Ahaha... And I was so upset, I crossed the road. Then in a snap of a finger... I just... Well, at last he..."
Hanging from his lips, Atsumu feels his throat tighten in immense pain so that he comes to repress a few tears by looking elsewhere at certain moments. Again the glance on Hinata, he meets the eyes that he knows by heart but that he has difficulty to recognize. Fogged with tears, the eyes of the redhead only translate sadness and sorrow. Then, the blond takes the youngest in his arms and comes to hug him, sniffing while trying not to cry.
"He shouted that there was... A car. But I couldn't move... I just couldn't do it... It was like I was glued to the ground, watching this car coming at me. In the end, Kageyama... pushed me violently... All I remember afterwards is waking up in the hospital and the announcement... of his..."
His voice then reaches a high pitch and turns into incessant sobbing, breaking Atsumu's already fragile heart. And as if to finish him off, Hinata puts his hands on the t-shirt of the oldest and comes up to look him in the eyes, so close to his face that Hinata can see every imperfection in it.
"N-Never leaves me... Osamu."
And with these words, the redhead drops a last tear before falling asleep against Atsumu's shoulder.
This time, in a heavy silence, Atsumu lays the young man on the sofa, covers him with a blanket, takes his coat and leaves the apartment, locking the door with his copy of the keys, which Hinata had once given him.
In his car, the blond man then starts to scream at the top of his lungs, while letting the tears that he had held back so well earlier flow. It's too much, his heart is so heavy in his chest, it's as if this organ was too much, as if it was taking up all the space and there wasn't enough for his lungs. The latter must have struggled to function, Atsumu is suffocating, it's so oppressive. The air seems impure to him, he wants to run away and scream until he can no longer speak. What is this pain in his heart? He believed he had experienced every emotion related to love, here is the one he wished didn't exist.
Why can he only be a second choice? Is this his punishment for his years of debauchery? Yet he could have loved, cherished and given the world to this little redheaded boy... Why does one have to suffer so much when one loves? Atsumu wonders why he continues, what the hell is he still doing at the bottom of his home? But he knows it better than anyone else. If Hinata called him now, the blond man would come up on the spot, a reassuring smile on his lips as if everything was going well and that he hadn't just had the worst feeling in his life.
As he is driving home, Atsumu turns his car around and decides to park again at the bottom of Hinata's house. He thinks. A way to escape, a way to end it all. To end this masquerade, he doesn't want to have to be the second choice, the secondary role, the character for whom one feels sorry. No, he wants to be selfish and have Hinata all to himself. He doesn't want to have to go through that kind of pain anymore and have all the pure love he feels for the redhead inside him.
With his phone, Atsumu calls Hinata. One ring, two rings and it picks up to his great surprise and distress, but here he is on board. He can't go back any more.
"A-Atsumu-chan... Why did you leave?..."
He takes a deep breath and sighs and says:
"I can't do it... I'm really stupid to have thought I could do it... Anyway, you probably won't remember it tomorrow. You're such an easy drinker. Just two drops and here you are telling me the most beautiful bullshit. Because yes, even if it's bullshit, when it comes from you everything is beautiful. You're so beautiful Hinata Shoyo. I can't believe I know such a man on earth. You know, before I didn't even think it was possible, the fact that I could love someone so much. I'm not who you think I am... I just made this character to fit you more, so that we can get closer. I'm not really a person you can get close to. I'm really not a person worth getting involved with. I'm not a good person, Hinata. I don't like to mix with people like you, because you're in such a good mood that it' s depressing. But you... You're so different. You're apart, Hinata. You're a real color palette and I discover a new one every day. If only you could see yourself with my own eyes, you would see how radiant you are with love and kindness. You are beautiful, Hinata. You are a real diamond. You have helped me find a new way, maybe not mine but a beautiful way. When I think of you, I smile stupidly... I tell myself that it's a miracle that you were put in my way... The first time I saw you was like... It was like... If at last I was given the missing piece of the puzzle that constitutes me. You seemed to complete me. I felt light, but now I feel heavy. Heavy from having to carry all this on my back, from having to stop myself from crying as soon as I receive one of your messages telling me to come, because I know it's again to tell me about Osamu. And I'm sick of it! I'm tired of always being Osamu's brother... I want you to see me as Atsumu Miya. The real one. Even if I'm a piece of shit, I promise you that I can offer you much more than you think. I can give you so much. The Atsumu you know is bland compared to the real one. But... (laughs) I know that you will never love it. You would never have set eyes on me if I had been this Atsumu. So I take my coat of a nice boy with a dumb and loving eyes and I look at you and your eyes. Your eyes that make me explore lands never discovered, landscapes more beautiful one than the others. Like your music Hinata. You are gifted, I hope you never stop playing the piano. You were born to play. Your fingers, your expressions, everything is related to the piano and I think that's what made me fall in love with you. Because yeah... If you hadn't figured it out with your little head, I love you Hinata. I love all your qualities and even your flaws. You're probably one of the only people I know who can turn his flaws into such beautiful imperfections. I love you so much that my heart suffers. It's horrible to love so much and I even think I'm cursed. You have to suffer so much when you love? I don't even know... If only I had continued playing the piano like my brother, I might have met you sooner. You would have fallen in love with me, and vice versa. I know that even in other circumstances, in another universe, anywhere, anytime... I would have loved you. For you are destined for me, Hinata. I am not your destiny, but you are mine and it may seem cowardly but... I'm tired of fighting for it even if it means living all my life alone... I can't take it anymore. It's too much, I give up. Anyway, it's better for all of us. After all, I'm only a secondary character, no one cares if I stay or leave... It's so low of me to tell you all this on the phone, but how many times I tried and failed when I saw your eyes filled with autumn colors. How many times have I... I've given up... But I want to be selfish, just this once... Let me be selfish Hinata... It's time for me to tell you... Goodbye, and I wish you to live what you deserve most in the world, to be loved back for who you are. Thank you for all these moments spent by your side."
As soon as these words are said, Atsumu hangs up, with an empty look and no visible expression on his face until he hears his first name shouted out. Curious, he glances towards the front door of Hinata's building and sees Hinata, half covered with the blanket that Atsumu had put on his back. Frozen, the blond looks at the redhead who seems out of breath, as if he had run a marathon. A shower then starts to fall on the frail body of the youngest and in a panicky gesture, Atsumu starts the car and leaves his parking space, leaving behind him the frail silhouette of Hinata who falls to the ground in weakness and sorrow.
Three years have passed since Atsumu left this parking place. No more contact with Hinata. Radio silence. And in spite of that, he still thinks only of the redhead, in a curious way, wondering if he continued in the piano, if he is well, if he stopped drinking like a fool as soon as he is shouted at, if he still has this habit of jumping everywhere... Atsumu thinks about it a lot but no answer.
As for Osamu, having never heard this story, he went to Germany to become a professional pianist. Atsumu keeps a maximum contact with his brother. These two have become as fused as they were when they were little, to the delight of their family and friends. Recently, Osamu won a big competition in Europe and was interviewed on Japanese television, Atsumu was surely the most excited between the two brothers.
Now the blond man works in a coffee shop next to his university where he studies classical music. Taken by passion for the latter after the well known night, Atsumu studies hard and works just as hard to succeed in paying his rent. While working at the coffee shop, Atsumu met two friends who are now very dear to him; Shinsuke Kita and Rintaro Suna. The latter two know about Hinata and for good reason, Atsumu talks a lot about it, as a reference.
Although much affected by what happened three years ago, Atsumu could never really forget it nor erase it from his life, but he knew it. After all, Hinata is a part of himself. This is the last piece of the puzzle.
"Atsumu-chan!"
The man turns to Suna who tells him to go to the counter because he has to take care of cleaning the room and that there are still some customers to serve for the take away sale. The blond man smiles and crushes his cigarette before leaving the back room, where he usually takes his smoking break. A very bad habit he took up after the night he confessed to Hinata.
"Hello, have you decided what you want? asks Atsumu, smiling at the customers.
-Mh... A Viennese hot chocolate please... And for you, Bokuto-san? asks his friend for the brown one.
-A... Mh... ... A strawberry frappé!"
Atsumu smiles at them and collects the money that the brown man gives him before making their drinks but suddenly a voice reaches his ears.
"Akaashi-san! Bokuto-san! It's been a long time!"
Standing with his back to them, Atsumu is as if he is frozen, nothing works anymore and Kita sees this. A glance towards the group of customers and a red head noticed, Atsumu's friend takes over and makes the two drinks, sliding in Atsumu's ear to leave in the back store for a moment. The latter does so and leaves discreetly as he hears:
"Your performance of yesterday evening was sublime Hinata-san!"
A smile on his lips and Atsumu sits against a wall in the room and plunges his head between his hands. It is so strange to hear his voice again. Even after three years, his voice has not changed and Atsumu is not displeased. Besides, he feels like a weight coming off his chest knowing that the redhead is still playing. It is surely the worst thing that could have happened, that he stops playing and showing his talent to the world.
After a few minutes which seems to him however sufficient, Atsumu comes back to the counter and does not see the group of customers with Hinata inside, they must have left. He sighs with relief and thanks Kita before going back to cleaning the counter.
His friends and the last customers left, Atsumu finds himself alone in the coffee shop, and as he passes the broom one last time before closing, he hears the bell ringing. He is about to tell the person that the store is closed, but his words stick in his throat at the sight of the red-haired man in front of him.
Clutching the strap of his school bag between his fingers, Hinata looks at Atsumu with a gentle smile and then sniffs before saying:
"I found you."
These words said, the redhead rushes to Atsumu's neck and squeezes it against him. Surprised by all this, the blond doesn't know what to do and therefore remains frozen wondering what he could have taken instead of his morning coffee to have such visions. But it's real, and Hinata's gaze imploring a reaction from the tallest is real too.
"But... How do you...
-Osamu-chan! He told me that you were working here... So I came to check once but you weren't there... And since my friends were passing by here, I recommended this coffee shop and bingo... There you are, a soothing smile on his lips.
-Why? Why are you here? Why did you look for me when I didn't?
-Because I don't want to lose you. You, Atsumu Miya. I don't want to lose you. And we all need time, I know..."
At these words, Hinata lowered his gaze and sighed before finally resuming:
"I know I'm a little late, but I needed time to... you know, everything. It's complicated to digest all this... Especially since you didn't even give me time to answer you and you ran away! You coward!"
Hinata pouting and frowning and hitting Atsumu's shoulder, causing him to laugh. He had missed him so much. The sun did not leave his eyes and his character. He laughed in turn and after a few minutes smiled tenderly before saying:
"I have my final competition at the end of the week, would you like to come?.... I really want to have you by my side for this competition because if I win, I'm going to Europe to become a professional pianist. And I want to be able to see you in the audience."
These words are surely the ones Atsumu had been waiting for all his life. That someone needs him, to see him... It's too good to be true, but after all it's Hinata, it's not even surprising. And as if time stopped once again, Atsumu nods his head and sees Hinata jumping before starting to talk to him about everything that could have happened in three years for him while the blond guy finishes closing the café. Finally, he walks the young man back to his bus stop and then ends up going home, phone in hand to send messages to the redhead, like the teenager who fell in love with Hinata three years ago.
The day of the final of Hinata's competition has arrived. Atsumu left work a little earlier under the kind eyes of his two friends, then ran to the concert hall, afraid of arriving late and worrying the youngest not to be in the audience. So, bumping into two or three people in his path, the blond man enters the hall and sits down in one of the last free seats. It's been a long time since he's been in such a hall, the last time was probably when Osamu was still playing in Japan.
The hall is full. Many people seem impatient for it to start and as if their wish had been heard, the lights go out and Atsumu realizes that he doesn't even know when Hinata is playing. Like an idiot, he forgot to get the program where the names and the order of the candidates' passage reside. Well, it will be a surprise, he says to himself.
Finally, Hinata has the last place in the order of passage, as if to close this beautiful event. And as if the wait hadn't been long enough, he seems to be late. Worried, Atsumu bends down a little to try to see behind the scenes when finally Hinata comes out to greet the audience. He seems lost in his bearings, anxious and very worried. Then his gaze rises and crosses that of the blond and a smile invades his face. The piece of the puzzle has found its place again.
As soon as a finger is placed on the piano, the notes invade the room of their singing enchantment. Atsumu, as if frozen in time, cannot take his eyes off the redhead's hands, who lets his body guide the notes of the score. The audience is subjugated. Hinata's hairs twirl with the movement of his hands and his head that sways with each note. He explodes his genius, he exposes his character and as if he were shouting to the world, he shouts through his music the words he could not say to his friend when he had not had the opportunity to do so.
Atsumu then feels the feelings drown him until he can no longer hold back the torrent of tears in which he sees himself trapped. He smiles as he sees the only being he has ever truly loved finally express his feelings, and make him understand with such delicacy the deep love he feels for him.
Radiant on the stage, Hinata seems to be in another world, of which only Atsumu is invited. Through his eyes he certainly saw landscapes, the most fabulous ones, but now it is their path that he sees, the one they will now share. And even if at the end of this last one, Hinata does not love Atsumu as the latter loves him, it does not matter. It doesn't matter anymore in the eyes of the blond man.
After finishing and winning his performance with a standing ovation from the audience, Hinata ended his evening with Atsumu walking through the empty and sleepy streets of the city. Finally, the redhead's fingers quickly find those of the older one who is surprised by such an action from the younger one. An exchanged glance and as if he was rediscovering the colors, Atsumu feels his heart regain a little more speed as Hinata stops in front of the older one.
"Let us start all again to zero."
With these words, the blond smiles and nods his head before moving back while releasing the hand of Hinata. The latter does not understand well what Atsumu is doing and frowns, until the blond rests one foot forward and says in a tender and soft tone:
"Hi, my name is Atsumu Miya. And I fell in love with you the minute our eyes met."