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Her head pounded.
It wasn’t the first time this week, or that day, that Kara had woken up with a searing headache. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she shut her eyes tight, hoping that the throbbing would lessen. Unfortunately, it only got worse. Groaning, she rolled herself out of the comfort of her bed and shuffled toward her desk. On her desk sat a dark blue water bottle, which she quickly grabbed before digging into one of her desk drawers, pulling out a bottle of Advil.
A swig of her water and three pills later, she returned her attention to her bed.
It was all she had been doing. Sleeping and going to classes. Energy for eating or her hobbies did not exist. Each day felt like she was fighting gravity. Her chest felt heavy, her mind heavier. If it wasn’t headaches waking her up in the middle of the night, it was the sudden loss of air from her lungs. Sometimes it would be a dream that felt so real she would have to pinch herself to make sure the dream was over. Once or twice she had awoken, screaming, but would quickly hide under the safety of her blankets before the door to her bedroom opened.
Avoidance was the only way she was getting through the days. Was it healthy? Most likely not. Not that she felt like her ‘friends’ noticed. Not that they cared.
She was close to Ezra Bridger when she first started college, but they went their separate ways as time went on. They were still friendly – sometimes grabbing lunch or dinner together, but she was not apart of his group of friends. She had drifted off toward another group of friends, ones she thought cared about her. But when the hurricane hit, she was left to drown.
Obi-Wan had an opportunity to teach at a university in Sendari, Mandalore, for the summer. Kara, not having much else going on, jumped on the opportunity to join her father. The duo had a blast. When her father was teaching classes, she would explore the city, take herself on hikes, or even listen in to his lectures. They took weekend trips to as many cities as they could. Kara convinced Ahsoka, Anakin, and Padme to join them for their last week in the country, which finished off a wonderful trip.
During the time away, she had minimal contact with her friends. She spoke to a few of them occasionally, but she was so wrapped up in her trip that she had little time to contact them. Kara missed them, but she wanted to have every experience she could while on her trip.
After arriving back home, she decided to spend one of the last summer holidays with her ex-boyfriend, one of the few people she had talked to while she was away. While they were out for the night, he admitted that he had slept with her best friend.
"When?”
“Umm… Last November.”
Kara was completely stunned. Her ex-boyfriend and best friend had told the group the day Kara left for Sundari. Kara was the last person to find out about the infidelity. She remembered returning home and how Obi-Wan asked about her night, to which she mumbled a half ass answer before sneaking off to her bedroom. It was Padme who got the full storyout of her a few days later when Obi-Wan had called her, looking for someone to talk to his daughter.
Kara eventually confronted her ‘best friend’ only to find that she felt worse off than she did before. A week later she reached out to another close friend, one whom she thought would understand the pain she was going through. After a few days of silence, she approached a mutual friend.
“I’m trying to talk with Tammy… she’s not answering.”
“Oh… she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“…why?”
"You’re emotionally immature.”
It had been three weeks since that conversation and all her mind focused on was those two words:
Emotionally immature.
“Psh, my ass I’m emotionally immature,” Kara grumbled to herself as she buried herself underneath the covers.
She had given up trying to talk to anyone. She couldn't bear to handle the rejection she knew would come her way - no one wanted to help an emotionally immature girl.
The only time anyone reached out was to give her pity.
“You did nothing wrong, yet you’re alone.”
Nausea hit her like a storm, and she groaned, curling up into the fetal position. The feeling of loneliness and abandonment hit her like thunder, making her feel empty on the inside. Kara squeezed her eyes tight, hoping that either the feelings would pass, or she would eventually fall asleep, allowing to be free from her pain until she awoke.
A knock on the door pulled her from her slumber. She peaked out of her blankets and saw that twilight had arrived, meaning she had slept most of the day. Kara sat up with a sigh and a quiet “Come in.”
The door opened to reveal her father, looking concerned. His amber hair was unruly, a change from how he normally looked when he was on campus. His beard was trimmed well, and he wore gray sweatpants with his very loved forest green cardigan. Kara felt a small smile creep onto her face – the sight of her father always calmed her.
"You okay?”
Kara nodded, forcing the small smile to become a larger one, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Obi-Wan carefully stepped into her room and sat at the end of the bed, looking worried.
“You slept all day again.”
Kara waved him off, “I was up late working on a paper.” Her statement wasn’t a complete lie – she had been working on a paper along with fighting the internal monologue that told her she wasn’t good enough.
“Okay, well…” Obi-Wan paused and squeezed her daughter’s foot, “If you need to talk, I am always here, you know that.”
Kara nodded, “I know, dad.”
He stood from his spot and looked down at her, “Try and get some sort of rest tonight. Don’t stay up working on anything too long,” he moved towards the door before he paused and looked back over his shoulder, “Your grandfather is coming over tomorrow night for dinner. He’s excited to see you.”
A rare moment of happiness soared through Kara as she smiled, “I’m excited to see him too.”
-=-=-=-=-=-
The person in the mirror was not someone she knew. Her eyes were burned red, her face sunken and pale. On her neck, the largest bruise she had ever seen. Quickly turning on the facet she splashed cold water onto her face, hoping that when she looked back at herself it would be another version. Sadly, the same sad woman stared right back at her.
“I can’t go to class like this,” she grumbled, rubbing the bruise on her neck, hoping it would cause the purple and yellow colors to fade away. Biting her lip, she turned toward the drawers of the bathroom, hoping she could find something, anything, to hide it away.
Memories of the night before were on replay. Stupid high school boyfriends. Stupid alcohol. Stupid everything.
She wiped her eyes as feeling of his lips returned to her lips and neck. She felt sick to her stomach when the feeling of his teeth returned to her neck. She quickly looked at herself in the mirror, relief releasing in her when she saw that she was the only one in the bathroom. It was only supposed to be a hickey. Why did it look so violent?
She cursed the makeup drawer that she shared with Ahsoka and slammed it closed. Kara was not a make up fan and had the bare minimum. Ahsoka’s collection was more complete, but the two girls did not share the same skin tones.
Checking her watch, she knew she only had a few minutes before she had to leave. There was no way she was staying for the lecture with the bruise on her neck. Her plan was to drop off the paper, come back home and cry.
Maybe sleep.
Kara put on a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt with her favorite gray puff vest and a purple infinity scarf. A few minutes in front of the mirror and she was semi okay with how the scarf hid her bruise. It wasn’t perfect, but it did the trick.
The walk to and from campus was both the fastest she ever walked, but the slowest commute she had ever done. Her vision blurred as she hurried into the classroom to drop off her paper. A few of her classmates were already there. They all stared at each other for a moment before Kara spoke.
“I’m not feeling well. Can you please tell Professor Jocasta that my paper is here,” she said, tapping the stapled paper on the table. Before anyone could question her, she had hurried out of the classroom, refusing to look back.
As she headed off campus back home, her attention was drawn to a group of friends, all laughing and messing with one another. Curiosity hit her and she looked over to see a man with dark blue hair laughing with several other students. She recognized the man, Ezra Bridger, who was one of her neighbors in freshman year of college. He became friends with the Rebels, a group of students whom always involved themselves in community service and political rallies across campus, fighting for equality. Rumor had it they made runs to the small towns that surrounded the city, but no one could prove it.
The thought of joining them crossed her mind for a moment, but that’s all it was, a moment. Kara knew she wasn’t good enough for them. They didn’t want a broken girl, a girl who was emotionally immature.
Ezra had noticed her and waved her over, but Kara only waved back before fixating her eyes on the concrete and scurrying away as fast as she could. It was the best for them and for her.
At least that’s what she told herself.
-=-=-=-=-=-
The drinking got worse.
Kara was hyper fixated on school, but if she wasn’t doing homework she was drinking to forget. She had quit lacrosse, telling the coach that it was interfering with her studies. She hated the sport and wanted nothing to do with it, and she just had no energy to push herself physically.
She tried running, which worked. The miles got longer, but the amount of food she ate decreased. She replaced more meals with beer and vodka, the weight dropping off her. She would tell herself that it was what she deserved. No one wanted a broken, emotionally immature friend.
Kara continued seeing her high school boyfriend. He would get angry with her sometimes, but she knew it was what she deserved. He had slapped her a couple of times, but the sting in her cheeks was something to feel.
Several times she found herself locked in the bathroom, silent tears streaming down her face as she wondered what would happen if she took half the bottle of Advil. She would make scratches into her arms, relishing in the pain it gave her. No one cared.
At least that’s what she told herself.
One night she came home too drunk. Kara barely remembered what happened during the day. She was in and out of cars. Did she drive one of those cars? She couldn’t remember.
Obi-Wan was furious. Anakin was concerned. Ahsoka frightened.
Anakin sat with her in the bathroom as she threw up all the contents in her stomach, his hand never moving from her back. She remembered throwing up, crying, then words spilling out of her mouth.
“I don’t remember what happened Anakin. I think someone was on top of me. I think…” she would throw up before she could get the words out of her mouth.
Obi-Wan joined the two on the floor an hour later with a jug of water and a bottle of Gatorade. When Kara saw him sitting on the floor next to him, the tears began to fall faster.
“I’m sorry, dad. I’m so sorry. I’m not worth it. I’m emotionally immature. I’m not good enough…”
Obi-Wan pulled his daughter into her arms and held her against his chest, tears glistening in his own eyes. He said nothing as he gently brushed her hair away from her face and cradled her.
“Kara, what are those on your arms?”
Kara looked over at Anakin then down at her arms, “Umm…”
“Did you make those?”
Kara only nodded before hiding her face in Obi-Wan’s cardigan.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Get some rest, little one. We will talk tomorrow.”
-=-=-=-=-=-
They spent a long time talking the next day.
Kara never felt so emotionally spent. Everything hurt, from her eyes to her toes. Her stomach hurt from all her crying and vomiting the night before. She knew she had hit rock bottom.
The family came up with a plan and Kara had realized that she had people who did care. And they were the ones that mattered. Not some friends she had only known for a year; friends who easily turn on her during a difficult time. It would be those who cradled her to sleep on the bathroom floor, ensuring her she would not have to go through this by herself.
Obi-Wan did punish Kara for drunken mistakes she had made the day before. Obi-Wan would monitor her purchases on her debit card and she could not go out on her own. If she wanted to, she would have to be accompanied by either Anakin or Ahsoka. All alcohol in the house was out by the end of the day.
“Can I stay at Papa’s during the weekends?” Kara asked at the dinner table as she picked her dinner, “I can help him out with the chores, and you’ll have someone to keep an eye on me.”
Obi-Wan sighed, “Part of me wants to say no because I know you like it there,” he paused, “But I will say yes.”
“I’ll call Pop and tell him to give you the dirtiest jobs. Give the farmhands a break from scooping poop,” Ahsoka said with a smile.
“That will ensure to make my time at the farm more miserable,” Kara said, a faint smile playing at the corner of her lips.
Ahsoka looked over at her older brother, who seemed very satisfied with the idea of his daughter scooping animal feces as punishment, but also the small smile was the first one they had seen in weeks.
That Friday the family drove out to the farm that Friday evening. Her grandfather was sitting on his coveted rocking chair on the front porch, a cup of tea resting on his thigh. Kara smiled, there was so much of her grandfather in her father. He was a constant comfort in her life.
Obi-Wan parked the car next to the house and Anakin and Ahsoka were out of their seats before Obi-Wan had the chance to turn off the engine. Alone in the car with his daughter, he looked at her through the rear-view mirror.
“You okay?”
Kara stretched her neck and shrugged, “I’ve already disappointed you. I don’t think I can face Papa.”
Obi-Wan slowly got out of the car and Kara followed. He pulled her close after she closed the car door and she rested her forehead against his chest.
“Papa will never be disappointed in you, trust me.”
Kara nodded, her forehead moving his shirt up and down and he smiled, pulling away from her, “Come on.”
They rounded to the front of the house and Kara’s Papa was standing at the foot of the stairs up to the porch. He had a gentle smile on his face as he spoke with Anakin and Ahsoka, his long, brown hair tied up into a half ponytail. He still held the cup of tea in his hands, allowing the mug to keep him warm.
Kara hesitated for one moment before she hurried over to him, in which he quickly pulled her into a hug, keeping conversation with two of his three children. He held onto her tight and Kara realized, this was her family; this was her home.