Chapter Text
Lunchtime with Alkaloid was always lively.
Today the four of them had a table all to themselves in the cafeteria, with Hiiro at Aira’s side and Mayoi at Tatsumi’s. Tatsumi couldn’t help but think that Hiiro and Aira were sweet kids; they always seemed excited about something.
Today was no exception, and the hot topic at the lunch table was how Aira just could not believe that Hiiro didn’t know what crepes were.
“Tattsun-senpai is old fashioned, but even he’s had a crepe before, right?” Aira asked, throwing Tatsumi into a discussion that he had previously only been spectating. He was a bit surprised to be dragged into it; it seemed like Hiiro and Aira had forgotten that he and Mayoi were even there.
“Fufu,” Tatsumi smiled, “I have indeed, I’m quite partial to the ones with fresh fruits.” Of course he didn't want Mayoi to be left out, so he asked, “Mayoi-san, what about you? Do you like crepes?”
Mayoi averted his eyes, suddenly incredibly interested in the cup of grape jelly he was holding. He offered a quiet, “I-I like them, sweet ones are my favorite…” Once he thought Tatsumi would be satisfied with his answer he put the cup down and fidgeted with his fingers in his lap; Aira and Hiiro picked up the discussion once more. Tatsumi watched Mayoi’s chest rise and fall with every breath, as if he had just run a marathon rather than contributed one line to a leisurely group discussion.
“That settles it!” Aira proclaimed, and Tatsumi let his attention wander from Mayoi, “Hiro-kun, we’re getting crepes! Next thing you know you’re gonna tell me you’ve never had bubble tea before either!”
“Aira, what’s—“
“Oh my gosh, Hiro-kun let’s go! Tattsun-senpai, Mayo-san, we’ve gotta go , you understand right?”
Tatsumi nodded, covering his mouth to hide a smile; those two kids were adorable. Empty trays in one hand, they held each other’s hands with the other as Aira led Hiiro to the tray return, then out toward the city.
That must be nice.
The last time he tried to hold Mayoi’s hand (well, last time was the first time ) Mayoi declined, saying Tatsumi was so pure that he would probably start burning if they touched.
If anything, Tatsumi thought he should be the one to start burning.
“Mayoi-san,” Tatsumi broke the silence that appeared as Hiiro and Aira left, “Would you like to get crepes as well? Just the two of us.” Perhaps if it was the two of them it would be fine — he knew Mayoi didn’t like to be around too many people. Mayoi also liked crepes! It was perfect.
Mayoi tapped his fingers against the table anxiously, and Tatsumi felt a sinking sensation growing in his stomach the longer he took to reply. “U-Umm,” Mayoi started, “I don’t think… I mean— I’m sorry…” he apologized, his restless hands now twirling the end of his braid around a finger, “You’d probably enjoy yourself more with someone else anyway... not someone like me.”
There it was. Tatsumi forced a smile, though he was sure it looked genuine. “I don’t think that at all Mayoi-san, but I don’t want to trouble you if it’s something you aren’t interested in.” He wanted to add a ‘maybe some other time’ , but decided against it. Mayoi seemed to waste no time getting up, hitting his knee against the table in the process, before apologizing to Tatsumi and disappearing to goodness knows where. Tatsumi swore he looked away for only a second, but Mayoi and his tray were both gone in an instant.
It wasn’t the first time this happened and it probably wouldn’t be the last either, though Tatsumi couldn’t help but feel a bit rejected. He just wanted to spend some time with Mayoi, but perhaps that would be harder than it seemed, and it already seemed pretty hard to begin with. He was sure Mayoi didn’t hate him. He definitely had his own thoughtful gestures, like designing choreography that didn’t overexert Tatsumi’s troublesome knee. Mayoi certainly wouldn’t do something like that if he disliked him.
Tatsumi picked up his tray, intent on returning to the dorm to relax. Somewhere along the way his phone buzzed, the small device startling him from within his pants pocket. He still wasn’t completely used to using his phone yet, and found himself squinting at the tiny screen as messages popped up one after another:
Aira-san: omg I’m so sorry
Aira-san: do u and mayonnaise wanna get crepes too??
Aira-san: OMG MAYO-SAN**
Aira-san: pls don’t tell him his name autocorrected to mayonnaise lol
Tatsumi unlocked his phone and navigated to his messages.
Aira-san: i should have asked u before we left
Aira-san: I’m sorry!
Aira-san: we can come back and meet u guys
How on earth did he send these messages so fast? Was it because Aira had small hands? Tatsumi could see how that might be an advantage with such a tiny keyboard.
He found himself struggling to reply, simply typing out ‘ it’s ok ’ before hitting send.
Aira-san: what’s ok? U want us to come back?
Aira misunderstood.
Tatsumi navigated to his contacts, pressing the tiny phone icon beside Aira’s name to give him a call. Aira had taught him how to do that.
“Hi Tattsun-senpai!” Aira cheerfully answered the phone, “I’m super sorry, we totally should have invited you two. Also you didn’t tell Mayo-san about the name thing, right?”
Tatsumi continued walking to the dorms, the glass screen of the phone warm against his ear as he spoke, “It’s perfectly fine Aira-san, please enjoy your crepes without us. I also haven’t told Mayoi-san about your typing error.” He heard Aira sigh with relief on the other end, “Do have fun with your crepes and tea, I’ll see you and Hiiro-san this evening.”
“Okay, bye bye! Hiro-kun says bye too!”
“Goodbye,” Tatsumi added, taking a peek at the phone to figure out how to end the call. Aira must have done something, because he was back on his contact screen. It was so difficult to get used to this thing.
Unsurprisingly, the dorm was empty when Tatsumi returned. Hiiro and Aira were off getting crepes of course, and Mayoi was off doing whatever he usually did with his free time. Tatsumi climbed into his bed, and the soft mattress and blankets felt like they were cradling his exhausted legs.
It probably wasn’t a fantastic idea for someone with his injury to be using the top bunk, but Mayoi had seemed so partial to being on the bottom… of course he gracefully let him have it.
Tatsumi picked up the notebook kept at his headboard, it was generally used for song lyric ideas, gardening notes, ideas for herb tea blends, or other such memos. Flipping to the next blank page, Tatsumi wondered what to write. He started with the date at the top, letting his pen wander down a few lines to an appropriate starting point.
It would be nice if he could come up with some new lyrics, or even anything else they could incorporate into their next live, but nothing was coming to him.
All he could think about was Mayoi.
Tatsumi had no idea when it first started, maybe it was when he first saw the other boy, but he always felt… something . Mayoi was certainly eccentric at times, but Tatsumi truly believed he had a kind heart. He was selfless and thoughtful, and honestly the more Tatsumi thought about it, the more inspired he felt to become a better person.
—But it also felt wrong to have such deep feelings like this, feelings for someone who trusts and relies on you but clearly doesn’t feel the same. Mayoi obviously didn’t think of him that way, he kept rejecting all of his invitations to spend time together for goodness sake, but Tatsumi couldn’t help the fluttering in his chest whenever they so much as made eye contact.
His hand acted faster than his mind and he ended up with Mayoi’s name written on the paper.
Perhaps writing about him could help shake off the thoughts? He could treat it as if he were in a confessional. He never had to show Mayoi what he wrote, goodness no , but the more he thought about it the more cathartic it seemed.
Mayoi Ayase
Tatsumi felt his cheeks flush just from writing his full name. How should he even start? Bullet points? Paragraphs? He thought back to Mayoi in the cafeteria earlier, his fingers tapping against the table.
Your hands look so soft. I do hope you’ll let me hold them someday.
Was that too much? It felt a bit much. Tatsumi rested his hand against his face, his cheek warm against his palm. He would love to hold Mayoi’s hand as often as Aira held Hiiro’s.
Onto the next line.
You often act as though you’re a burden, but nothing would bring me greater joy than seeing you happy and healthy with a smile on your face.
Tatsumi wordlessly set his pen down, closing his notebook and letting it rest against his chest as he stared at the ceiling. His mind did feel a bit clearer; it was as if he got something off his chest without actually getting it off his chest. After a moment he flipped back to the page, rereading what he wrote and letting the words marinate in his mind.
What would it be like when— no, if— he held hands with Mayoi? The other boy would probably be a bit hesitant, his grip weak. Tatsumi would lace their fingers together and give him a comforting squeeze. Mayoi seemed like he would be quite innocent when it came to things like this...
Back to reality, it was not a very good idea to have this kind of memo sitting in his notebook, so Tatsumi carefully removed the page. He contemplated crumpling it up and tossing it in the garbage, but it didn’t feel right to throw it away. These were his feelings, after all. He carefully climbed down from his bunk and placed the page in an opaque plastic folder, then hid the folder in his wardrobe.
The rest of his evening was spent working out some song lyrics, which were kept in the notebook for safekeeping. He showed Aira and Hiiro his progress once they returned, and in return they told him about Hiiro’s first experience with crepes and bubble tea.
As per usual, Tatsumi awoke for prayer first thing in the morning. The curtains surrounding everyone else’s beds were drawn, and they were no doubt still asleep. He quietly showered and dressed himself, tucking his notebook and pen in his bag next to a Biblebefore leaving.
The hanging gardens at ES were always quiet at this hour, and not a single soul was around as Tatsumi took a seat by the pond to begin his prayer. The natural environment was so relaxing; he could easily forget he was in the middle of a city when the only noises around him were the rustling of leaves and the occasional splashing of fish in the pond.
“Amen…” Tatsumi murmured, closing the Bible and letting the heavy book rest in his lap. The book once belonged to his father, and even the feeling of the pages reminded him of home. It was placed in his bag for safekeeping, and then Tatsumi took out his notebook.
He had gotten all of his Mayoi-related emotions off his chest the previous day, but some part of him felt compelled to write more. He looked to either side before opening his notebook, as if what he was doing had to remain a secret between him and God.
Dear Mayoi-san,
That made it feel more like a letter, as if he was confessing all of his thoughts and feelings via mail to the Mayoi within his mind.
You aren’t awake yet, so I hope you’re having sweet dreams.
Today I felt compelled to bring my notebook and pen with me as I left to do my morning prayer. I truly can’t stop thinking about you, and I’m so thankful to God for giving us the opportunity to have met in this lifetime.
I hope I can share many more wonderful experiences with you.
Tatsumi removed the page in preparation to add it to the folder with the last one, folding it and sandwiching it between the cover and first page of the notebook for safekeeping. He added it to the folder first thing when he returned, and he was surprised to see Mayoi awake, though he was still sitting in bed. Hiiro and Aira had left to get breakfast as well, so Tatsumi must have taken more time than he thought.
“I’m going to get some breakfast,” Tatsumi announced. The intended recipient was obvious — they were the only two people in the room. He added a, “would you like to come too?” once Mayoi offered a mhm of acknowledgement to his first statement.
“S-Sorry, I’m not hungry,” Mayoi murmured, still laying in bed.
Tatsumi decided to bring his notebook and pen with him to breakfast as well.