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“Chaengie. Pay attention to what I’m saying.” Her girlfriend’s whine brought Chaeyoung out of her reverie, her eyes refocusing on Momo’s face on the screen and being greeted by a pout. Chaeyoung smiled sheepishly, knowing she had been caught daydreaming. “Seriously, you’re the worst.”
“Okay, now that’s just mean. I’m sorry! I was just thinking about a design for my new tattoo.” Chaeyoung explained.
“And that couldn’t wait until after my story about how I embarrassed myself in front of everyone and can never look them in the eye again?” Momo’s voice was pitching even higher, her eyebrow raised questioningly.
Chaeyoung snorted. “Don’t be so dramatic!”
Momo crossed her arms across her chest. “And now she calls me dramatic. You wound me, Chaeyoung-ah, you really do.”
“You don’t listen to me half of the time either!” Chaeyoung protested.
“That’s besides the point. Hmph.” Momo leant back in her chair, tilting her head so she was staring off somewhere above the camera of her phone.
Chaeyoung giggled. “Unnie, that’s unfair. You can’t pout at me when you’re hundreds of miles away and I can’t do anything about it.”
Momo didn’t reply, choosing instead to jut her chin further out, pointedly avoiding the camera lens.
“If you stop pouting at me, I promise to make it up to you when you come here next week. You can pick every restaurant we go to.” Chaeyoung frowned slightly as Momo’s face seemed to darken slightly, but the look was gone and Momo was speaking again before Chaeyoung could bring it up.
“I always pick the restaurants we go to anyway. You’re useless because you’re so easy-going.”
“Hey! That’s not true. You’re just as unhelpful because you don’t know what you want to eat! Nayeon-unnie is the one who picks restaurants for us.”
“You’re not doing a good job of making it up to me.”
Chaeyoung shook her head fondly, giggling under her breath. “Next week, I promise.”
Chaeyoung saw Momo’s eyes flicker back to the camera screen for a second, followed by her entire head tilting back to look at Chaeyoung through the camera. “Fine.” Chaeyoung watched Momo lean forward and poke at the screen. “I need to go, Chaeyoungie. I have to get up early tomorrow to go to work.”
Chaeyoung pouted. “I told you that you don’t need to do all of these extra shifts, I can pay for our meals this time and you can get them the next time you come here.”
“And I told you that it’s unfair for you to pay for them all when I could just work this week instead.”
Chaeyoung sighed, long resigned to Momo’s stubbornness. ”Fine. But please don’t overwork yourself. I don’t want my girlfriend to be asleep for the entire time that she’s here.”
Chaeyoung sighed again as Momo nodded and scrunched her nose at Chaeyoung. They both knew that Momo was going to overwork herself, it was just in Momo’s essence to be entirely dedicated to everything she participated in. Chaeyoung knew not to push it. She wasn’t great at verbalising her emotions, which sometimes made their distance since Momo went to college across the country two years ago a lot more difficult.
Especially since Chaeyoung had gotten big on her YouTube channel.
It had only sunk in when Chaeyoung had hit one-hundred-thousand subscribers. Until then, it had merely felt like a hobby that she had done during high school and had focused on a bit more during her gap year as she tried to work out what ‘practical’ job she wanted to begin pursuing.
But her YouTube… career? (God, Chaeyoung still felt strange calling it that) had taken off a couple of months into the gap year. Once she was at fifty-thousand, then at one-hundred-thousand. By the middle of the year, she was at five-hundred-thousand through shout-outs from others in the community and was comfortably paying all of her bills for her first apartment and was able to send Momo clothes that she had pouted that she couldn’t afford whilst on their video call. Cut to a few months after her gap year had officially ended and she was resting on well over a million subscribers and had all but thrown out her notepad with ‘job prospects’ written carelessly on the first page.
“Chaeyoung?” Momo prompted quietly.
“Yeah?” Chaeyoung asked, matching Momo’s hushed tone, knowing what Momo was going to say next.
“I really do need to go now.” Momo looked as equally disappointed at that fact as Chaeyoung felt.
The knowledge was comforting.
“I know. I was just marvelling at your pretty face.” Chaeyoung flirted lightly, trying to raise the sullen mood that had fallen.
Momo snorted. “Good. It deserves to be marvelled at.”
“Bye bye, Momoring.” Chaeyoung waved her hand. “I love you.”
Momo smiled, reaching to pick up her phone. “I love you too.”
“I’m gonna hang up now.” Chaeyoung said, pulling a stupid face at the screen, watching Momo huff.
“Not if I hang up first, dumbass.” Momo argued, hovering her finger threateningly over the screen.
“Isn’t this argument at the end of a video call between lovers meant to sound a bit different?” Chaeyoung asked playfully.
“Ew, first, don’t call us ‘lovers’. That’s disgustingly archaic for a video call.” Momo complained, scrunching up her nose in distaste. “Second, I don’t care, I’m hanging up now. Night, Chaeng.”
“Goodnight, Momo!” Chaeyoung said, watching as Momo held a peace sign to her eyebrow and smiled as she tapped off the video call. Chaeyoung laughed quietly to herself, feeling a bit empty in her chest, as she always did in the fleeting moments immediately after leaving Momo on a call.
But this time Momo would be here next week, so Chaeyoung quickly shook herself out of a potentially impending stupor and stretched her arms above her head.
Momo would be in her arms again soon.
Momo sighed as she stepped out of the train station, noting the heavy downpour that greeted her. She readjusted the weighty backpack on her shoulders as she struggled to pull her hood out from under it. When she succeeded, she moved the hood to cover her hair and mentally prepared herself to dash out from under the shelter of the train station to the bus that would take her to Chaeyoung’s apartment. Momo couldn’t remember the bus that she needed. Was it a number six or sixty-six? Momo was too stubborn to text Chaeyoung and admit that she in fact did n ot remember the way to Chaeyoung’s new apartment, despite Chaeyoung offering to send her a list of instructions last night.
She hoped her intuition and a bit of luck would result in her getting on the right bus.
Why did Chaeyoung have to be stuck editing her new art video all day?
Just as she was about to step into the torrential rain, she felt someone tugging her back by the strap of her backpack. As she turned to protest, the words died in her throat as she was met with a deep dimple that accompanied her favourite smile in the entire world. Her happiness and pleasant surprise morphed into shock as she regarded the platinum blonde hair that was atop Chaeyoung’s scalp.
“When the fuck did you dye your hair?” Momo spluttered out, reaching to pull Chaeyoung into a tight hug even as she asked the question. She wasn’t entirely sure if Chaeyoung answered. Instead, she was helpless to focus on anything but the feeling of Chaeyoung’s arms wrapped around her waist. She pressed her nose into the side of Chaeyoung’s head, inhaling deeply as the familiar scent of cinnamon and apple shampoo infiltrated her senses and lulled her into a security that she had scarcely felt since the last time she had been physically together with Chaeyoung three months ago.
Momo’s arms were firmly around Chaeyoung’s shoulders, desperately clutching at the material of Chaeyoung’s denim jacket. She could feel some sort of design on the back of it, perhaps a rose embroidered onto the material. Momo made a mental note to ask Chaeyoung later whether she had designed it for a video. Chaeyoung’s breathing was soft and even against her neck, but her hands were grasping onto Momo’s waist just as tightly as Momo’s were, betraying how much she had missed her.
Momo didn’t want to pull away, more than content to stand there and bask in the comfort that was Chaeyoung for the rest of the day, but she felt a shiver run down her spine. Her hoodie was doing a poor job to defend her from the wind that had picked up to accompany the heavy rain. Chaeyoung must have noticed it too, as she heaved a reluctant sigh against Momo’s neck, placing a soft kiss there before pulling away. Momo missed her as soon as she pulled away, no matter how insignificant the distance was between them now compared to only a few hours ago, whining under her breath at the loss.
Chaeyoung had only pulled back enough to look Momo in the eyes, pressing forward to kiss Momo on her jawline before speaking. “Hi.”
Momo beamed. “Hi.”
“Do you like my hair? I bleached it just for you after we hung up yesterday.” Chaeyoung trailed her hands up from around Momo’s waist, down her biceps, continuing until she grasped her around the forearms, keeping her grounded even as she pulled away a bit further to dramatically flick her newly-dyed hair over her right shoulder without headbutting her girlfriend.
“Is this your way of shifting the blame to me if you have to cut your hair really short again because you damaged it too much by bleaching it?” Momo asked, bringing one hand from Chaeyoung’s neck to push her hand through Chaeyoung’s hair. She scratched gently at Chaeyoung’s scalp, smiling softly to herself as Chaeyoung subconsciously let her eyes flutter closed and hummed contentedly at the feeling. Momo smirked, taking the opportunity to tug at the roots, relishing in the quiet groan Chaeyoung let out. Chaeyoung’s eyes flew open, her face contorting into faux-annoyance despite the evident flush spreading across her cheeks.
“Not here, unnie.” Chaeyoung whined. “And, yes. If my hair falls out before I’m thirty then it’s your fault for liking my dyed hair so much.”
Momo stopped teasing her, but didn’t stop her ministrations of carding through Chaeyoung’s hair, knowing they both enjoyed it as much as the other. “I like you in whatever hair. You’re the indecisive one who can’t stick to a single hair colour.”
“At least I’m not a grandma who is afraid to dye her hair.”
“Yah! That’s not true, I’ll have you know–” Momo began protesting.
“–That you dyed your hair blonde once. Yeah, yeah. That was at the end of your high school years when we started dating. It doesn’t even count anymore, that was, like, over two years ago.” Chaeyoung reasoned, giggling at the upturn of Momo’s nose.
“Remind me why I traveled seven hours on the train to come see you, again?” Momo pretended to ponder it.
Momo watched as Chaeyoung batted her eyes flirtatiously. “Because you love me.”
As she went to reply, she realised something. She moved the hand that was still moving through Chaeyoung’s hair out to give her a light tap on the back of the head. “Ouch! You asshole, what was that for?”
“You said you would be editing next week's videos for the entire day! Why are you here?” Momo asked, pointing an accusing finger at her girlfriend.
“I thought I would surprise you! The editing for today got done faster than I thought it would because I powered through loads whilst bleaching my hair last night.” Chaeyoung defended. She pulled her body entirely away from Momo, but ensured that their hands were intertwined as they began walking to the bus stop, unhurried by the rain now that they were with each other. Chaeyoung dragged Momo’s suitcase in her free hand without being asked to.
“Why couldn’t you have told me that so that we could have had a dramatic moment where we see each other across the train platform and sprint into each other’s arms lovingly?”
“No way. I wanted to surprise you, so I did.” Chaeyoung shrugged her shoulder nonchalantly. “So, you’ll just have to deal with it.”
Momo rolled her eyes so hard that she thought she might never regain the use of them. Regardless of the action, the playful bickering set Momo’s heart at ease. Momo had vaguely worried that something would be different this time, they had been away from each other for such a long period this time around, and Chaeyoung’s channel had grown exponentially more than usual in that short period. Momo had been paranoid that, for some reason, something would feel off-kilter.
That Chaeyoung would feel…different, somehow.
And yet, as she walked carefree through the rain with her hand in Chaeyoung’s, Momo could have chortled at her unfounded worries, now banishing them to the recesses of her mind.
The bus journey had been uneventful, Momo practically half-asleep after her early awakening and many hours of travelling. She had been content to crane her neck down to place her head on Chaeyoung’s shoulder, but not without whining at how much easier it would be if Chaeyoung were taller, which Chaeyoung had quickly shot down with a glare.
Momo blinked rapidly in an attempt to wake herself up as Chaeyoung delicately nudged her awake. Honestly, Momo would have been fine with them missing Chaeyoung’s stop and completing another circuit until they reached this spot again, but the thought of cuddling with Chaeyoung in an invitingly warm, cosy bed was enough to make Momo stand from her seat and sling her backpack over her shoulder.
Together, they walked to the luggage compartment and lifted Momo’s suitcase out and placed it on the floor as the bus grinded to a halt. They thanked the driver as they got off the bus, Chaeyoung insisting on being the one to lower the suitcase from the bus and to the ground.
“Wow, you can lift a suitcase that only has a few sets of clothes in. Really impressive, Chaeng.” Momo commented sleepily.
“Excuse me, you love my arms.”
“Not as much as you love my arms.” Momo countered. As Chaeyoung opened her mouth to respond, probably to deny the obvious, she was interrupted by a seemingly nervous teenage-girl tapping her on the shoulder.
Momo and Chaeyoung both turned to face her. “H-Hi. I’m a big fan, Chaeyoung. Would it be possible to get a selfie?”
Momo stiffened slightly. Despite this not being the first, or last, time that Chaeyoung had been stopped whilst they were together, Momo experienced it so infrequently that she was still yet to adjust to the fact that these strangers knew who her girlfriend was. Loved her girlfriend. Momo watched the smile light up Chaeyoung’s face as she nodded enthusiastically, reaching her hand out to take the girl’s phone.
Momo took a few steps back, not entirely sure what to do with herself whilst she watched the interaction. These people didn’t care about Momo, didn’t know she existed. Chaeyoung was a private person by nature regarding her personal life. She hadn’t felt the need to reveal Momo to the world and Momo hadn’t really seen the point in it either. But as this girl talked to Chaeyoung animatedly while Chaeyoung signed the back of her phone case, Momo could have phased out of existence and the other two would not have noticed.
Momo didn’t want to eavesdrop, but still found herself catching parts of their conversation. The girl was complimenting Chaeyoung. “I love your rib tattoo. You look so pretty with it. I want one just like it when I’m older.”
Momo felt her stomach drop at that. Exactly how many people had seen Chaeyoung’s rib tattoo? Chaeyoung could do whatever with her body and post it anywhere that she wanted, Momo trusted her wholeheartedly. But she couldn’t help but feel deeply unsettled as it sunk in how many people must have seen it.
How many people knew her Chaeyoung.
Momo shook her head, willing the jealous, borderline possessive thoughts to leave her. The thoughts were unfounded. Sure, it was an unconventional situation, but it wasn’t as if Momo hadn’t watched the situation unravel. She had been there for every step of the way. Well, she had been in one way or another, even if it had mainly been over a phone, hundreds of miles away. Either way, she would not get worked up over a fifteen year old girl’s harmless interaction with her idol.
Who was her girlfriend.
God, it was just so weird .
“Bye, Chaeng. Thank you so much again!” The girl had turned to leave, bowing at Chaeyoung one last time, before wandering off with a content smile on her face. Momo tried to ignore the way her skin pricked at the fact that ‘Chaeng’ was Momo’s nickname for Chaeyoung.
“Thank you again, too!” Chaeyoung was bouncing with excitement as she walked back over to Momo, retrieving the suitcase and linking her arm with Momo’s as they began walking from the bus stop, almost as if the interaction had never occurred. “Did you hear that? She liked the tattoo that I designed!”
Momo tried to laugh happily, but feared it fell a bit flat. “Yeah. She was sweet, huh?”
“So sweet.” Chaeyoung agreed. “But I cannot wait for us to get home. I made us a strawberry cheesecake too! That was meant to be a surprise, ignore that I said it.”
Momo smiled genuinely at that. Chaeyoung was still Chaeyoung, regardless of her relatively newfound popularity. Thoughtful, free-spirited, often shy Chaeyoung. Her Chaeyoung. “Sounds great, Chaengie. But we can’t start with desserts.”
Chaeyoung turned to look at her incredulously. “Did you , Hirai Momo, just tell me that we can’t start with dessert?”
“If it’s a chance to disagree with you, then sure.” Momo shrugged.
“Oh, shut up. What takeout do you want for dinner?”
“Wow, you can’t even cook me dinner on the first night? Start as you mean to go on, Chaeyoung-ah.” Momo brought her free hand to her chest dramatically, feigning chest pain where her heart was.
“Unnie, I will not hesitate to break up with you and eat the entire cheesecake myself.” Momo grinned, laughing freely and stopping their movements so that she could peck Chaeyoung on the top of head.
“Okay, we can go again now.” Momo said happily, swinging her free hand as she walked.
“You’re so lucky that you’re cute.” Chaeyoung grumbled with no malice.
She basked in the happy feeling in her chest, burying her negative thoughts, all of her worries, to the shameful recesses of her heart where they couldn’t ruin the next couple of weeks with Chaeyoung.
Momo really was so lucky.
Momo rubbed her temples tersely as she stared at the words in front of her. By this stage, the words were beginning to float from her laptop screen. Figuring it was time for a break, she closed the laptop lid and placed it by her side, stretching her arms above her head.
The movement successfully caught her girlfriend’s attention, because Chaeyoung’s head turned from where she was doing editing at her three monitors (which Momo felt was unnecessarily lavish, but Chaeyoung insisted that it made life a lot more convenient) to stare fondly at Momo, scrunching her nose cutely when they made eye contact.
Momo flopped back on the bed, her arms still above her head, without breaking the eye contact. Chaeyoung, however, did. Her eyes trailed to where Momo’s shirt had ridden up during her stretching and were lingering on the expanse of toned stomach that had been revealed.
Momo cleared her throat, smirking as Chaeyoung returned her gaze to Momo’s somewhat sheepishly. “My eyes are up here, Chae.”
Chaeyoung flipped her off. “It’s not my fault you insist on maintaining such attractive abs.”
“So, you find my abs attractive, huh?” Momo teased.
“Among other things, like your modesty.” Chaeyoung retorted flatly, returning her attention back to one of her monitors. “I know you’re trying to distract me, Momo.”
Momo huffed petulantly, not willing to admit that Chaeyoung was right, slinking off the bed to pad closer to her girlfriend’s work desk. “You were the one who looked over and started ogling me. I was just minding my own business.”
Chaeyoung seemed equally stubborn, merely humming noncommittally and continuing to click buttons on her keyboard and mouse. But Momo knew her stubbornness wouldn’t last if she played her cards right.
Momo stood directly behind Chaeyoung’s computer chair, taking a moment to glance at the editing software programme on the screen that she most definitely did not understand, before using her fingers to tilt Chaeyoung’s head directly up by her jawline. Chaeyoung went with little resistance, yelping slightly in surprise when Momo immediately leant down and kissed her in spite of the odd angle.
The kiss was fleeting, but hot, a firm promise for more. Chaeyoung whined lowly the instant Momo pulled away. Momo stood to her full height, spinning the desk chair around and bending down to lean in, her lips brushing against Chaeyoung’s as she whispered. “Come to bed.”
Momo held back a giggle at the look of pure conflict on Chaeyoung’s face as she glanced helplessly between Momo and her monitor. Chaeyoung sounded utterly devastated as she said, “I really need to finish this editing for my second channel.”
Momo pulled back completely, trying not to laugh as Chaeyoung’s head instinctively inched forward to follow Momo’s body heat. She shrugged. “Alright then.”
Momo had got under Chaeyoung’s skin, that’s all she had wanted, really. She spun on her heel, prepared to flop on the bed and scroll through her phone until Chaeyoung was finished and could join her, but Chaeyoung caught her arm before she could leave.
“Sit on my lap whilst I finish this editing.” Chaeyoung told her, already tugging her closer by her arm.
Momo smiled triumphantly, which Chaeyoung must have noticed, as she scoffed, squeezing Momo’s arm warningly. “Don't be cocky, unnie.”
Momo didn’t answer, only deposited herself heavily on Chaeyoung’s lap, making a scene of wiggling to get comfortable, just to tease her girlfriend a bit more. After a moment, Chaeyoung let out a quiet sigh, pressing her cheek against Momo’s shoulder and mumbling something indistinguishable.
“Huh?” Momo asked. She felt Chaeyoung groan against her shoulder, her breath hot even through the material of her top.
“I can’t see over your shoulder.” Chaeyoung admitted, knowing she was opening herself up to get teased.
“Aw, my tiny Chaengie.” Momo cooed, happily standing up and waiting for Chaeyoung to join her, reaching to pinch at her cheeks, then pressing a sloppy kiss to her forehead. Chaeyoung blushed, gesturing embarrassedly for Momo to sit in the chair, which she did. Chaeyoung settled herself on her lap and Momo wound her arms around her midsection. Momo smushed her cheek against Chaeyoung’s back, perfectly content to sit in silence whilst she worked now that they were pressed together.
After a while, Chaeyoung pulled out her earphones and they clattered against the desk, causing Momo to lift her head and ask, “Done?”
“All done. Wait, what time is it?” Chaeyoung leant forward again and Momo heard the clicks of her mouse. “My new video was set to upload at 5pm. I should reply to comments.”
Momo playfully bit at Chaeyoung’s shoulder in protest.
“What is it, you vampire? Shall I do it on my laptop, so we can lay on the bed?” Momo nodded in agreement, her nose rubbing against Chaeyoung’s shoulder.
“I love it when my girlfriend doesn’t even want to speak to me.”
After some maneuvering, they had managed to move to the bed and were laying shoulder to shoulder with Chaeyoung’s laptop propped on her bent legs.
“This is not what I had in mind when I asked you to come to bed, you know.” Momo mused, watching the laptop screen as Chaeyoung pulled up her latest video that she had uploaded.
“That’s because you have a one-track mind, Momoring.”
“One, that's not true. Two, you’ve never complained before.”
Chaeyoung didn’t reply, too busy beginning to type replies to people in the comments, occasionally commenting on them out loud to Momo.
A lot of the comments were harmless, Momo conceded. They merely pointed out which outfits they liked best, a particular moment they found funny, how Chaeyoung had helped them have more confidence in themselves or how they had made a friend online because of her content.
Momo found herself quite enjoying the process for a few minutes, happy that her girlfriend’s talent could help these people in any way. Chaeyoung was clearly enjoying herself too, giggling at comments and smiling softly to herself.
Momo was beginning to hate herself for not letting her good feelings last.
Momo was scrolling through her phone, letting Chaeyoung do whatever she needed to, when she heard the younger woman snort. Momo looked from her phone and read the comment that had elicited the reaction.
Ugh Chaeyoung is so ridiculously hot. The things that I would let her do to me. Her in that outfit? Yes. The fact that she’s single and not with me? Homophobic
“Huh, Momo, did you write this one?” Chaeyoung joked, simply replying with an ellipsis and a rainbow emoji to the comment.
Momo tried to swallow past the lump in her throat, feeling a bit like she was struggling to breathe. Get a grip , she told herself frustratedly. The comment was too forward, yes, but the way Chaeyoung was so nonchalant about it made Momo worry. Chaeyoung must read things like this every single day, considering that she didn’t seem fazed by it at all. How many people told Chaeyoung that she was hot? Daily ?
Momo trusted Chaeyoung to tell these people if they went too far. If Chaeyoung wasn’t bothered by it, then why did Momo feel like she was on the brink of tears?
Chaeyoung was so accessible now. Not that she was something to access , but still. She could have someone from these millions of people who watched her. ‘ The fact that she’s single’. Momo wanted to grab her phone and tell that person that, no, Chaeyoung was not single. Momo was in love with her, but so many other people loved her too. Momo should be happy that so many people appreciate Chaeyoung’s craft. That Chaeyoung could finally share her talent with the amount of people that she deserved. That her hard work was finally paying off.
So why was Momo such a shit girlfriend that she couldn’t even conjure up the energy to smile when Chaeyoung pointed out a comment from a girl claiming to be six years old?
Momo trusted Chaeyoung wholeheartedly. She would never do anything to harm Momo, she knew how much Chaeyoung loved her. They wouldn’t have lasted two years in a long distance relationship if they didn’t love and trust each other. But she couldn’t help feeling that Chaeyoung had outgrown her, that she deserved so much more than what Momo could ever dream of offering her now.
Momo was working a dead-end job to try to make ends meet enough that she could train to become a dance teacher, perhaps even a choreographer if the world was kind enough to her. Momo had been content with that, because it was what she wanted to do. She still wanted that. But Chaeyoung could have anyone now. She had money, she was living her dream job and she was still the lovely, down-to-earth and adorable Chaeyoung that she had always been.
Momo was just… Momo. Insecure, never-good-enough Momo. She thought she had worked through her insecurities, but being submerged in Chaeyoung’s world for even a couple of days had brought them flying to the surface.
The only difference was that this time her insecurities were entirely grounded in reality.
Even as Chaeyoung blew a raspberry onto her neck later that night and Momo forced herself to laugh, no matter how hollow her chest felt, she couldn’t shake the feeling that Chaeyoung was slipping away.
And that it was all her fault.
Momo gripped Chaeyoung’s hand tightly as they sat in the Uber on the way to the restaurant that Momo had booked for them. She should not feel this nervous, it felt like their first date, yet the reality was that they had probably been on a hundred dates by now. Momo tried to steady her rapidly beating heart, willing this meal to go perfectly. Perfect like Chaeyoung deserved. If Momo could give them a good night, then maybe she would feel more deserving of being able to call Chaeyoung her girlfriend.
Momo turned to look at Chaeyoung when she squeezed her hand, clearly trying to draw Momo’s attention from the window, to her. “Are you okay, babe?”
Chaeyoung’s voice was soft, concern lacing her tone. It made guilt drop to the pit of Momo’s stomach. She took a deep breath. The perfect date , Momo reminded herself. “Sorry, this place is just pretty fancy. It makes me a bit apprehensive.”
It wasn’t a lie, Momo reasoned. She had really pushed herself at work and had got a decent amount of money from working overtime. So, she decided to splash it all out on this meal, knowing that Chaeyoung had paid for far too many of their dates in recent months.
Chaeyoung was worth it.
Chaeyoung deserved it.
Chaeyoung hummed, smoothing her thumb over Momo’s languidly. Momo looked at their hands, admiring the tattoos adorning Chaeyoung’s fingers, feeling a spark of pleasure as she remembered that she had helped Chaeyoung design those tattoos. No matter how small and simple the designs were, they reminded Momo that she could still do things for Chaeyoung if she really tried.
“You didn’t need to go somewhere that you weren’t comfortable. You know that I’m happy wherever you are.” Chaeyoung assured her, a light frown etched on her brow.
The words did little to appease Momo, doubting the truth behind the words even if Chaeyoung might currently believe what she was saying. But, she didn’t want her to worry, so, “We’re never watching Titanic again. It makes you sappy.”
Chaeyoung smiled at the poor attempt at a joke, leaning forward to kiss Momo briefly on the lips, gently and carefully to avoid smudging her lipstick.
Momo had to make this night perfect.
The date was going well so far.
The restaurant was daunting when Momo had first walked through it, but when no-one spared them a second glance, Momo felt herself relaxing. Every time Momo’s gaze tried to nervously drift to the other tables, Chaeyoung would take her hand or offer her a bite from her plate.
Momo couldn’t be more grateful for Chaeyoung if she tried.
Chaeyoung had a soft smile on her face throughout the entire meal. They were quiet for the most part, their silence mainly broken by Chaeyoung when she made some odd, endearing noise at the pleasant taste of her food. Momo didn’t mind if it turned a head or two out of the corner of her eye, it meant that Chaeyoung was enjoying herself and her food, which was all Momo cared about.
“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, Momoring.” Chaeyoung told her, squeezing her hand one last time before she pushed her chair out and left.
Momo pulled her phone out, scrolling aimlessly through her messages, shooting Nayeon a text to tell her that the restaurant she had recommended Momo was perfect.
Momo let out a soft sigh now that she was alone.
She couldn’t even pick a good restaurant without Nayeon’s help.
“Oh my god. Are you Son Chaeyoung?” Momo’s head perked up at the sound of her girlfriend’s name, seeing that Chaeyoung had been intercepted on her way back from the bathroom. Momo looked at the woman who had stopped her. She was older than the girl at the bus stop, probably in her early twenties. Momo’s neck pricked uncomfortably when she stepped into Chaeyoung’s personal space and started speaking quietly to her.
Momo looked down to the table cloth, playing with the frayed bottom of it, swallowing back her tears. She accidentally grabbed it, hard , when she heard Chaeyoung’s laugh ring around her. It was probably a reasonably quiet laugh, but everything Chaeyoung did was amplified to Momo. She sunk into her seat, willing the ground to swallow her up before Chaeyoung could return.
Momo didn’t blame Chaeyoung. Her girlfriend was oblivious to people flirting with her at the best of times. It had taken Nayeon pushing her and Momo into a closet at a party with a “God, Chaeyoung-ah, she likes you!” to get Chaeyoung to get the hint that Momo had feelings for the girl in the year below.
She didn’t blame the woman either, really. Momo wasn’t petty. To her, Chaeyoung was a well-known, very attractive and very available woman. It wasn’t her fault that Momo could never be good enough.
Maybe Chaeyoung hadn’t wanted to tell the internet about her because she was ashamed of her. She hadn’t considered it like that before, trusting that Chaeyoung just didn’t feel the need to put her private life onto the public sphere. But now, she couldn’t think of anything else, it was the only option that made sense to Momo anymore.
Momo stared at her wine glass sullenly, resigning herself to the fact that she would never be good enough for Son Chaeyoung.
All she could ever hope to do was hold Chaeyoung back.
Chaeyoung stared at Momo’s back worriedly as she watched her pull on one of her own hoodies, not any of the oversized ones that Chaeyoung bought so that they could fit Momo too. Momo had been dazed and distracted all night, but she had started to brighten slightly the longer that dinner had gone on. But since Chaeyoung had returned from the bathroom, she had barely coaxed five words from Momo. Chaeyoung hadn’t seen the girl like this since she hurt her ankle and couldn’t perform in the finals of one of her dance competitions last year.
Chaeyoung wasn’t sure if it was something she had done, because Momo had accepted every piece of affection Chaeyoung had given her on the ride home, even if she hadn’t been speaking. In fact, how easily and deeply she had fallen into Chaeyoung’s touches somehow made her worry even more, almost as if it were the last time she’d get to feel them.
Chaeyoung normally wouldn’t probe Momo, knowing that sometimes she liked to take a while to process her emotions before crawling into Chaeyoung’s arms and quietly murmuring her worries into the warmth of Chaeyoung’s neck. But she was too concerned this time, she needed to ask. She followed Momo as she left Chaeyoung’s room to wander into the kitchen. She pulled the sleeves of her jumper down over her hands distractedly and stole her courage to ask what was bothering Momo.
“Baby.” Chaeyoung started, faltering slightly as Momo merely grunted whilst she poured herself a glass of juice from the fridge. “What’s bothering you?”
Momo shut the fridge door, turned and leant back on the counter, pointedly avoiding Chaeyoung’s eyes as she took a slow sip of her drink. “I’m fine.”
Chaeyoung sighed, not annoyed, but desperate. The sound made Momo tighten her grip on her juice and Chaeyoung tried again. “No, you’re not. It’s okay that you’re not. You aren’t going to ruin the evening if you want to talk about it.”
Chaeyoung figured that maybe Momo didn’t want to burden Chaeyoung and put a damper on the evening. It was a selfless and sacrificial thing to do, a very Momo thing to do.
Momo scoffed. “I ruin everything anyway.”
That made Chaeyoung’s heart ache in her chest. She left her place from where she was lingering at the door frame to the kitchen and closed the distance between them. “No way. Why are you–”
“Why am I here?” Momo interrupted, something she almost never did. “Why do you want me here?”
Chaeyoung was lost for words, wondering what could possibly make Momo ask her that. Momo must have misread her confused silence as a confirmation for whatever idea she was set on proving. “I guess you don’t even know, huh?” Momo placed her juice on the counter to her side and crossed her arms across her chest defensively.
“You’re here because I want you to be.”
Momo rolled her eyes. “You think that you want me here.”
Chaeyoung was utterly bewildered. “What are you talking about, unnie? You’re not making any sense.”
“Why didn’t you get the number of that girl in the restaurant?” Momo questioned, finally looking up to look at Chaeyoung. But it wasn’t the Momo she was accustomed to. The glare was hard, anger in her eyes. Chaeyoung wanted to flinch at the sight of it.
She had yet to realise Momo’s anger was directed towards herself.
“G-Girl?” Chaeyoung racked her brain for the answer. She remembered. “The one when I came back from the bathroom? W-What? Momo, she was just a fan.”
“A very attractive fan who was clearly interested in you. Why didn’t you get her number?” Momo continued, voice devoid of emotion despite the fire in her eyes.
“Because I have you! Are you jealous of her? S-She’s just a fan. You don’t need to worry.” Chaeyoung repeated, desperately trying to work out why this was bothering Momo so much.
“ You should be worrying. She was flirting with you. You should have got her number. She can be everything for you.” Momo had tears in her eyes now and Chaeyoung instinctively stepped forward to comfort her, regardless of how confused she was. Momo flinched further back into the counter, recoiling from Chaeyoung’s touch. “Don’t touch me.”
“Momo, please.” Chaeyoung’s voice wavered. She didn’t cry easily, but Momo was acting unrecognisably erratic and saying things that made no sense to Chaeyoung. Her words seemed useless, but Momo didn’t want her to touch her. Chaeyoung felt lost.
Momo must have heard the desperation in Chaeyoung’s voice, because she shook her head slightly and took a deep breath, opening her mouth but quickly closing it again. When she finally spoke, her eyes were more familiar, more tender. “I can’t do this, Chaeng. I-I can’t get these thoughts out of my head. You can have anyone, Chaeyoung. All those people online, the people that come up to you. They love you. You could have any one of them.”
Momo gestured to the room around her. “This apartment. I-If I ever moved in, I couldn’t afford to help you pay for this. I had to exhaust myself just to take us to that shitty restaurant. You deserve someone better , Chaeyoung. You deserve someone that you can actually feel proud of. Who you want to show off to the world. I-I can’t. I just can’t.”
Momo was openly crying by now, the tears streaming down her face, but as Chaeyoung stepped closer again to try to comfort her, Momo gently brushed past her and walked towards the door, scooping up Chaeyoung’s coat from the sofa.
“Momo! Momo, please don’t go. Please, let’s talk about it.” Chaeyoung caught up with Momo, gripping her arm so tightly that it mimicked the firm hold that the panic had on her heart. Chaeyoung felt like she couldn’t breathe, her chest heaving, her brain hardly processing what Momo had said, only that Momo was leaving and Chaeyoung couldn’t force out the words to stop her.
The chokehold that her panic had her in released slightly as Momo turned to face her. “I-I’m sorry, Chaengie. I just– I need to be alone for a bit. I need to think and I don’t want to snap at you. I’ll be back in a bit, I promise.”
Chaeyoung stared at her. She couldn’t loosen her grip on Momo’s arm, the adrenaline pumping through her coercing her into believing that if she let her go, then Momo would walk out of the door and never come back. Chaeyoung’s breathing was shaky. Momo stepped closer to her, bringing the hand that wasn’t in Chaeyoung’s vice grip to cup her cheek, nudging her nose with the tip of her own.
Momo wasn’t the only one who seemed to have hidden anxieties regarding Chaeyoung’s growth in popularity. Momo had seemed completely at ease with all the changes, hardly complaining, never wavering, so Chaeyoung had let her anxieties that Momo wouldn’t want to be with someone who was so much in the public eye drift to the back of her mind. The things Momo was saying, how quick she had been to go to the door, had triggered a fight or flight response that Chaeyoung wasn’t even aware that she had.
Momo’s voice was soft and protective when she spoke, placating Chaeyoung. “Hey, hey. I’m sorry for scaring you. I just need to clear my head for a bit, but I’ll be back before bed, I promise. I’ll text you every ten minutes to tell you that I’m okay.”
Looking into Momo’s loving eyes, that held no trace of the fire from only ten minutes earlier, she felt her heart begin to steady. She trusted Momo. Momo would never break her promises to her. Chaeyoung nodded to herself, her nose brushing Momo’s again, feeling vulnerable as she realised that she was still tightly gripping Momo’s arm. She released Momo’s arm, wringing her hands together in front of her awkwardly.
“See you soon, okay?” Momo asked, taking a backward step towards the door so that she kept her eyes on Chaeyoung.
Chaeyoung nodded wordlessly, but Momo cocked an eyebrow. Despite the gravity of the situation, Chaeyoung smiled.
Momo was always the stubborn one.
“Okay. Every ten minutes.”
Momo smiled back, bringing her index and middle finger to her forehead. “Scout’s honour.”
Chaeyoung’s phone chimed again, as scheduled, with Momo having taken to sending a different emoji every ten minutes to show Chaeyoung that she was okay. It was an emoji of a warthog this time. Chaeyoung smiled at her phone fondly, wondering why it had taken Momo so long to send her the warthog emoji, considering that her girlfriend had always had a soft spot for that emoji.
Chaeyoung blew on her mug of coffee, feeling much calmer than she had an hour ago. She had been repeating Momo’s words on a loop in her head, trying to figure out what had caused them in the first place. The more she pondered them, the more clarity the words held for Chaeyoung.
Sure, Chaeyoung’s channel had grown over the space of around a year. It wasn’t the most abrupt change, considering that they had both seen it coming after she had been getting mentioned by much bigger channels, But it was still, understandably, jarring for Momo.
Momo had been there every step of the way. She had listened to Chaeyoung talk about how more people were stopping her for photos, how she would be getting more money for brand deals, how she had to upload more frequently to keep up the momentum of her channel, how fans could be rude sometimes, how people asked invasive questions far too often for Chaeyoung’s liking.
Momo had heard all of it, but she hadn’t actually physically been there for it. To Chaeyoung, she gradually got stopped more on a weekly, even daily, basis. She saw her numbers gradually rising. She saw the amount of comments increasing week by week. Momo had heard about these things, but hearing and grasping how substantial these changes are was two different battles.
When Momo came to visit, or vice versa, she was met with the physical repercussions of Chaeyoung’s popularity. She had to watch Chaeyoung get stopped by people, had to witness first hand the impact that Chaeyoung was having on these people.
Chaeyoung isn’t surprised that it hit Momo all at once, especially considering that in the last three months, she had had her steepest gain in views yet.
Chaeyoung’s head whipped to the door as she heard the receiver bleep to inform her that someone wanted to enter the building. She placed her coffee on the table and wandered to hold the button so that she could speak. “Hello?”
“I may have forgotten to take a key.” Momo’s voice crackled through the receiver box. Chaeyoung felt her heart swell. “Can you let me in?”
“Of course. Come up, dork.” Chaeyeoung replied, feeling far more at ease now that Momo was home and that they could talk it out. Chaeyoung’s apprehensions were gone. Momo didn’t want to leave Chaeyoung, only felt that Chaeyoung deserved someone more now that she had all of this ‘fame’. It was Momo’s old insecurities bubbling to the surface because of an increasingly confusing situation.
Chaeyoung was more than happy to reaffirm to Momo exactly why she loved her.
Chaeyoung waited by the door for Momo to enter, giggling as Momo yelped in surprise when she immediately saw Chaeyoung as she entered the apartment.
“You’re mean.” Momo mumbled, shouldering Chaeyoung’s coat off her lithe form and hanging it by the door.
Chaeyoung extended a hand to Momo, hesitating slightly whilst she waited for Momo to take it. While she was sure that her and Momo would be okay, that didn’t mean that Momo wanted to be touched right now. To her surprise (maybe she shouldn’t have been surprised considering it was Momo), she used Chaeyoung’s extended hand to pull her into a firm hug. Chaeyoung immediately sank into it, losing any small remnants of the tension that had once wracked her body the moment she was encased in Momo’s arms.
“I’m so sorry for worrying you, Chaeyoungie.” Momo whispered into her hairline, the sincerity shining in her voice.
“Don’t worry about it anymore. I’m sorry for freaking out too.” Chaeyoung whispered back.
“You don’t need to be.” Momo gave Chaeyoung one final squeeze, hard enough that Chaeyoung let out a soft oof , before releasing her and traipsing through the apartment to plop down on the sofa. She lifted up Chaeyoung’s mug of coffee, taking a sip whilst looking at Chaeyoung, gauging if she would protest.
Chaeyoung did not.
Instead, she joined Momo on the sofa and plucked the coffee mug from Momo’s hand and deposited it back on the coffee table. She turned and climbed into Momo’s lap, her thighs bracketing Momo’s hips. Momo leant her head back on the top of the seat on the sofa so that she could comfortably accommodate Chaeyoung’s elevated height as she sat on her lap. Chaeyoung slipped her hands under Momo’s hoodie to rest on the skin of her bare neck, playing with the hair there.
Chaeyoung knew Momo wouldn’t speak first, so after giving them both a few moments to gather their thoughts and study each other, Chaeyoung asked a question that had been plaguing her since Momo left. “How long have you felt like this?”
Momo frowned. “I’m not sure. Every now and then I’ve had a few thoughts, but I pushed them away, because I told myself they were stupid. You love me and we’re in a good place, so it felt pointless to bring it up when it wasn’t really bothering me. But–” Momo sighed loudly. “This week has been rough. It’s like every thought that I dismissed had been growing whilst I was ignoring it. Then they started spiraling into most of my thoughts after I saw you with that girl at the bus stop. Which sounds ridiculous, because she was barely a teenager. I don’t know why I feel like this. You must think I’m crazy.” Momo laughed nervously, ducking her head slightly to avoid Chaeyoung’s eyes.
Chaeyoung exhaled in slight relief. It wasn’t something that had been actively bothering Momo for a long time. Chaeyoung hadn’t thought Momo would keep something like this from her, but a small part of her had worried that she had underestimated how much Momo would sacrifice of her own happiness for the sake of Chaeyoung’s feelings.
She skirted her fingertips from her hand on the back of Momo’s neck around to her jawline, tilting her chin up. “Do you think my popularity defines me?”
Momo’s head cocked at the abrupt question. “Of course not.”
Chaeyoung continued, her fingers lingering on Momo’s jaw. “And do you think I’ve changed because of it? You can answer honestly.”
Momo studied Chaeyoung’s face, as if trying to work out the intention behind these questions. “Not really. I think you’ve continued on the same path, but you’re just being watched by more people.”
“Okay. So why do you think that I suddenly care about other people?” Chaeyoung asked. She thought she already knew the answer, but she wanted Momo to work through what Chaeyoung actually thought and not what Momo thought she should be thinking.
“I don’t think that you want anyone else.” Momo sighed. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want anyone else when you could have anyone.”
“Because I still have you. I haven’t changed, not drastically, at least. I don’t want anyone who isn’t you. One day, I won’t have this popularity. I might not be able to afford a nice apartment. People won’t care about my videos anymore. But you will. No matter what has changed in my life, you’re always my constant.” Momo’s eyes were glossy with unshed tears, so Chaeyoung leant to press a kiss to the tip of her nose, rubbing at her jawline soothingly. “Please try to stop thinking about what I could have and start looking at what I already have. I have you.”
Momo sat quietly, eyes shining, processing the words. Chaeyoung still had more she needed to say. “Please don’t think I’m ashamed of you. I could never be ashamed of you, not when you’re the best part of my life. My initial reasons to choose to keep us private haven’t changed. I don’t want you to have to handle the threats and invasive questions. But if you were more comfortable with people knowing about you, then I would proudly do that. Or even to just tell the world that I’m not single. I don’t mind either way. I just want you to feel as happy and comfortable as you can.”
Momo hummed thoughtfully. Her hands had been holding Chaeyoung’s waist, but they slipped under the material of Chaeyoung’s jumper and rested on her bare skin. “I don’t know what I want, I’d have to think about it. Before it didn’t really bother me either way. I think my insecurities were just driving me insane. But having you here to tell me I’m being stupid is helpful.”
Momo smiled up at Chaeyoung, but she didn’t return it, telling her seriously, “It’s not stupid, baby. This is all so unconventional. It was bound to start bothering you at some point. I’m just glad we could speak about it a bit.”
Momo tilted her head. “What about you? What happened earlier?”
Chaeyoung froze, her hand falling from Momo’s jaw to rest on her chest, playing with the drawstring there distractedly. “Ah.”
“It’s unconventional for you too. I know we’ve spoken it before. But you’ve never reacted like that to anything.” Momo prompted, scratching her nails gently against the skin of Chaeyoung’s waist.
Chaeyoung sighed. “Sorry. I just know that there’s a lot of changes that you didn’t sign up for and I worry that they’ll drive you away eventually. You seemed pretty intent on leaving today, even if I understand why now.” Chaeyoung shrugged. “We’ve discussed this before.”
“That doesn’t mean that it won’t still bother you sometimes.”
“When did you get so wise?” Chaeyoung joked with a halfhearted smile.
Momo didn’t allow the poor attempt at deflection. “Next time, I promise to tell you about my feelings as soon as I work them out so we don’t get to this point again. You’re always going to be my Chaengie, no matter how crazy life gets. We’ll work through it together. I love you as much as you love me. Even through all the changes, you’re my constant too, Chaeng. It goes both ways.”
Chaeyoung smiled, genuinely this time. “So we’re okay?”
Momo laughed, pulling Chaeyoung even closer by the grip she had on her hips and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. “We were always okay. Just a bit lost for a while.”
“I really am so in love with you.” Chaeyoung confessed. Chaeyoung knew it, Momo knew it, but it still felt nice to tell her.
“Good, because I’m just as in love with you too.” Momo affirmed, dragging Chaeyoung down for a proper kiss.
It was soft and sweet, completely safe and unassuming. A kiss for the sake of comfort.
Chaeyoung felt the warmth bury itself deep in her chest, shifting the hand that remained on Momo’s neck up and into her hair, pulling her even closer.
Chaeyoung broke the kiss first, an idea popping into her head.
“Do you want to go get McDonald’s?” She asked breathlessly against Momo’s lips.
Momo chuckled. “We got back from dinner, like, three hours ago. Aren’t you full?”
Chaeyoung scoffed, reluctantly pushing herself off Momo and shivering as the warmth of her hands left her waist. “Fancy food is great, but definitely not filling. I want to stuff my face with McDonald’s right now.”
She offered Momo a hand to help pull her up, but Momo used it to tug Chaeyoung back down onto her lap. Momo grunted when Chaeyoung’s knee dug uncomfortably into her thigh. “Before that, aren’t you forgetting something that normally happens after couples argue?”
Chaeyoung rolled her eyes at the ridiculously unsubtle attempt to seduce her. “That hardly qualified as an argument, Momo. If you want sex, you’re gonna have to ask for it explicitly.”
Momo flushed slightly. Chaeyoung reveled in how she could sometimes turn the tables and fluster Momo just as much as she liked to do to Chaeyoung, even after more than two years together. Momo whined. “Chaengie.”
Chaeyoung met her pleading gaze, shrugging her shoulders, not willing to cave this time. Momo conceded with a sigh and a quiet murmur. “Please.”
McDonald’s could wait.
Momo knew she could be content to watch Chaeyoung for the rest of her life as she chewed happily on her ice-cream, occasionally flinching because of the coldness of the substance against her teeth. Serves her right for chewing her ice-cream instead of licking it , Momo thought to herself. Chaeyoung must have felt Momo staring at her, turning her head to pull a stupid face at her, ice-cream smeared across her top lip.
Momo felt her heart expand, leaning forward to rest her chin in her palm and beckoning Chaeyoung closer with her other hand. Chaeyoung rolled her eyes, but complied, leaning closer. Momo used the closeness to peck her, gathering the ice-cream from her lips.
Momo was entirely peaceful, her heart lighter than it had been in days, which was all thanks to Chaeyoung. She didn’t know why she ever doubted Chaeyoung’s ability to help alleviate her worries. They all seemed so small and insignificant in the face of the beaming happiness Chaeyoung caused, the love that she cocooned Momo in, the unwavering confidence that she had in Momo.
Whether millions of people knew Chaeyoung’s name or not, Momo was the only one who got to sleepily call her back to bed using her name.
Likewise, Chaeyoung was the only person who could whine her name at 4am when she had splattered paint over the new jacket that she was supposed to be reviewing for her next video.
And even if the circumstances surrounding them changed, their love never would.
Momo and Chaeyoung never would.