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This day Hongjoong decided not to go to the studio but stay at the dorm and surprise Seonghwa since the older had been asking about this for a long time already. Little did he know this was the day the older decided that it's time to give up on his feelings for Hongjoong.
Relationships between Seonghwa and Hongjoong have always been slightly complicated. They've absolutely taken care of and trusted each other. But there’s always been this awkward tension that Hongjoong couldn't and didn't really want to put a label on. Their lives were already busy and complicated enough to overthink it. So all the time he felt this strange tingling sensation caused by the older, he simply brushed it off and ran away, waiting for everything to settle down.
At the same time Seonghwa didn't need labels.
He knew exactly what he felt and he wasn't afraid to admit it. At least to himself. He'd liked Hongjoong for quite a long time already. He didn't intend to confess his feelings. All he wanted was to be close to the younger and proceed being his best friend.
However lately he felt like all of this was pointless and Hongjoong was slowly drifting away. Seonghwa regularly asked to come home because he wanted to spend some time together but the younger always chose to stay alone in the studio. Seonghwa didn't want to be pessimistic but couldn't stop thinking that maybe Hongjoong didn't really like him and didn't want to get close but couldn't say it.
So after receiving rejection for the nth time the bitter feeling of resentment towards Hongjoong and anger at himself settled in his chest. He resolved to stop waiting and try to move on. And oblivious Hongjoong was unlucky enough to make a move at this very moment.
Hongjoong felt guilty because the other day he once again declined Seonghwa's offer to spend time together, so now he wanted to please him by surprising and staying at home.
Hongjoong was sitting at the kitchen table with San and Wooyoung slowly eating breakfast in silence when Seonghwa came in. Hongjoong glanced at him, giddily anticipating his reaction to the news. Seonghwa grabbed a bottle of juice from the fridge and was drinking it when Hongjoong cleared his throat, "I'm staying at home today". He said it nonchalantly but then peeked out expectantly from under his fringe. He was almost sure that Seonghwa would be happy, but the older looked and sounded rather tired.
"Have a rest. I won't disturb you and go for a walk then".
Hongjoong looked at Seonghwa closing the bottle, putting it back in the fridge and when he already stepped out of the kitchen Hongjoong blurted out loud "but-", adding a quiet small "i wanted to spend the day with you" now staring at his plate of cereal. He sat there for several seconds then huffed loudly, dropped the spoon from his hand and also walked away. San and Wooyoung only exchanged glances and carried on with their breakfast.
Hongjoong knew that Seonghwa used to wait for him from the studio but Hongjoong often came so late that the older was already asleep. That's why the next day he decided to come back earlier hoping to find the other still up.
Yesterday Seonghwa as said didn't disturb Hongjoong and spent the whole day out while Hongjoong had nothing better to do than sit and work at home. He knew that the older had rights to have alone time and that he probably just carried about Hongjoong but it only made his determination to spend time together grow stronger.
Yet his expectations crashed when he came to a dark silent dorm and fast asleep Seonghwa. He could get sad or angry but he was kinda tired and probably so did Seonghwa. So he just cautiously changed his clothes, washed face and teeth and went to sleep, wishing the next day was better.
However it wasn't.
Avoiding Hongjoong wasn't easy.
Seonghwa felt guilty for being so cold and distant but there wasn't another way to get rid of his feelings. After all, he thought, maybe that's exactly what the younger needed.
So on the third day when Hongjoong for some reasons stayed in the dorm again Seonghwa had to come up with new reasons not to be in the same room. He did this and that, cleaned half of the dorm, washed in the shower and successfully avoided every attempt of the younger to have a proper conversation. Every time he sensed that he was about to stay alone with Hongjoong he just walked away from a room.
Once Hongjoong almost cornered him but Seonghwa pretended that someone was calling him and ran away. As lame as it was it still worked. In the afternoon he got tired of running around and decided to spend the rest of the day in San and Yunho's room since Hongjoong was in theirs.
Maybe Seonghwa wasn't fair towards Hongjoong but in his defense he was hurt by him even if the younger didn't realize that.
Hongjoong felt like shit.
Maybe he wasn't the smartest but he wasn't blind and he surely noticed that for some reason Seonghwa was distancing himself from him. He would gladly ask why but he couldn't even start talking as the older successfully avoided him every time.
Last night he didn't even come to sleep in their room. Hongjoong spent half of the night working and waiting for Seonghwa until it was already too late (or better to say too early), so he had no other choice but go to sleep. When he came into the kitchen next morning Seonghwa was already standing beside the stove, cooking something that smelled deliciously. They exchanged glances acknowledging each other’s presence, but no one said anything. Hongjoong lazily opened the fridge, searched for his yogurt and then sat at the table facing Seonghwa’s back.
"You didn't sleep in your room," he said rather nonchalantly although the atmosphere was kinda tensed.
"I played games with San and Yunho and then fell asleep in theirs."
"Ah..."
He didn't know what to say. It wasn't a big deal, but something between them was wrong.
The yogurt suddenly didn’t feel tasty and all his being itched to stand up and get out of there. This all was absurd.
He felt a childish urge to ignore the older for the sheer purpose of being annoying since Seonghwa didn’t want to tell what happened. He didn’t look angry, so he probably was upset with something, but Hongjoong didn’t like feeling guilty without knowing the reason. Perhaps it was just a big misunderstanding and they probably should have sat and talked about it like grown ups they were. However he was quite stubborn and also angry now, so he decided not to deal with the problem unless Seonghwa addressed it or it resolved itself.
And that’s how the next three days went.
Annoyed Hongjoong was staying at home, Seonghwa was spending time and sleeping at San’s and neither tried to talk to another. They barely exchanged a couple of phrases per day and looking at gloomy leader Seonghwa’s guilt grew bigger and bigger.
Frankly speaking Hongjoong didn’t deserve such a treatment. The older’s feelings were only his problem because Hongjoong never asked for his love. And even if he didn’t want to be best friends Seonghwa shouldn’t blame him. After all they were colleagues and teamwork was their number one priority.
Today Seonghwa hesitated about sleeping in their room, but the tension between the two was quite unbearable, so after all he gathered his pillow and blanket ready to leave.
"You gonna stay at the other’s again?" Hongjoong asked when Seonghwa was about to go.
Taken by surprise Seonghwa stared the other in the eyes. Maybe Seonghwa just imagined it, but he thought that under the veil of annoyance he could catch a hesitant glimpse of hope. He blinked and now it was nowhere to be seen making the older guessing whether it was true.
Seonghwa came back to his senses and answered honestly, "yeah," not really thinking deep about Hongjoong’s intentions. But the sore expression that he saw pricked his heart. He thought about retreating but Hongjoong already spat a short "fine" and turned his back to him.
Seonghwa couldn't stop thinking.
He was playing games with San but all he could see was angry and disappointed Hongjoong. The main aim of Seonghwa's distancing was to get rid of his feelings not to ruin their relationship. But that clearly wasn't working well.
Now that the guilt was eating him alive he couldn't believe that he himself hurt Hongjoong. So much for liking the younger. What was the worth of his feelings if he couldn't protect the one he loved?
Seonghwa sighed loudly, looked at the screen and saw that he lost the game once again.
"Hyung, you alright?" San sounded concerned looking at Seonghwa.
"Sanie, I'm sorry but i think i should go back to my room".
He took his things ready to head out when the younger seized his wrist "I hope you two will figure it out". San smiled softly and bemused Seonghwa had nothing to say but only stare at him.
Hongjoong had been lying down awake for some time when Seonghwa suddenly entered the room.
He thought that maybe the older came to take something and pretended to be asleep to avoid any possible conversation. He heard how Seonghwa quietly got close to the bed, put something at the top bunk and suddenly sat on the floor at the head of his bed.
Hongjoong anxiously held in his breath surprised by the other's actions. Seonghwa was quite close to his face so Hongjoong felt his presence very vividly. The tingling sensation was back but now he couldn't just run away from it.
"I'm sorry".
If Hongjoong's heartbeat was already quick, now it just skyrocketed. He subtly squeezed the pillow trying not to give himself away.
"I shouldn't have avoided you," Seonghwa sighed loudly. "I… really really like you and it hurts being away from you". Though he was whispering the pain in his voice was obvious. He swallowed before proceeding, "it's just that sometimes i need more than you can give and i don't know how to deal with these feelings…"
Hongjoong felt suffocating and ready to cry. The huge issue he was running away from all this time finally overtook him. He could still try to pretend to be sleeping and act like nothing happened next morning but to his misfortune Hongjoong sniffled loudly which caught Seonghwa off guard.
"Hongjoong? you're awake?"
He was embarrassed but couldn't lie to the older.
"Yeah, sorry…"
Seonghwa groaned weakly, rubbed face and buried his head between bent knees.
"Oh damn. you shouldn't have heard it," he mumbled illegibly.
"Why not?"
Hongjoong was genuinely curious because maybe if Seonghwa explained his reasons Hongjoong could also understand himself more.
"Because…" Seonghwa looked at him, shy and indecisive as never before, "that's more than just a friend should feel for a friend".
And it was. and it could ruin everything they had, but-
"But what if i feel the same?"
Hongjoong wasn't even sure he said it out loud but judging by the older's face he definitely heard it.
"Are you serious?" a glimpse of hope appeared. "Because I'm really scared, but if you feel the same then maybe I'm ready to fight my fears".
Seonghwa's voice was shaky and eyes were twinkling with unshed tears. Looking at him Hongjoong couldn't understand why was he avoiding something so precious that made him experience a huge range of emotions.
"Then let's fight them together".
They just stared at each other for a while trying to silently convey a lot of thoughts when Seonghwa shifted his position getting a little closer.
"I just wanna make sure we're on the same page".
He leaned in keeping eye contact in case the younger decided to backtrack. And when he found no resistance, shortened the distance pressing his lips to Hongjoong's ones.