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He hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in days now.
He wasn’t sure if it was due to the heat, the anxiety, the damp weather, the intrusive thoughts or a mix of everything, but his nights had become a kind of annoying emotional rollercoaster.
"Now i’m okay, now i’m anxious. Now I need to turn around, now I'm feeling sad."
Maybe that’s why, without the strength of a good night’s sleep, sadness had taken a hold of his brain making his way to his core and leaving oily and nasty stains everywhere, making his state of mind even more obvious to anyone that would to look at him.
Fears, doubts… Guilt.
All of his inner demons gathered on the back of his throat, tormenting him every time he dared to close his eyes.
But, amongst all of them, Hyuk’s image was the worst of them; the one that hurted as a red hot iron rod nailed to his soul.
He had tried avoiding him at the beginning, but the cure just turned out to be slightly worse than the disease.
The only thing that seemed to calm him down was that dumb smile, that fake candid look on his eyes.
The precise and light way of each and every one of his movements.
And that’s why he spent way too much time looking at him; because it made him feel better, even if that meant feeding the demons that stalked him at night.
"Yee… Are you okay?" It was not the first time that week that Ryeowook had asked him that.
He always answered with a nod and both of them knew that was a lie, but the younger one never said anything else; sometimes that’s what friendship is about.
"You know… you could take us out for dinner someday," Donghae had now joined Ryeowook "we haven’t done anything together for weeks now."
"Making plans without me? Again?" Hyuk’s voice rose from the other side of the room, interrupting them and bringing Yesung’s mind back to reality.
"Just a couple of days ago I asked you to come to that new place close to my house and you said you already had plans." Donghae shouted back, all laughs and smiles while he put his arm around Yesung’s shoulders.
"Such a liar…" Kyuhyun lifted his gaze from the cell phone screen just a second, a dash of drama in his voice. "I swear, he spent the whole afternoon looking at the roomba cleaning the floors."
Maybe because he couldn’t sleep, Yesung started to spend more time in the practise room.
Deep down he thought that, maybe, improving his dance skills would reward him with some validation from the younger one, something he so desperately needed.
And thus, every time everybody started packing and leaving he’d say goodbye to them, ready to spend some time alone in that mirrored room, his demons the only ones keeping him company.
"You keep getting it wrong because you’re not timing your foot movements right." One day Hyuk’s voice interrupted his practise.
He hadn’t even realised the dancer was still there. In fact, Yesung was pretty sure he had packed up at least 10 or 15 minutes ago and after that…
After that he had supposed he had left.
It was pretty obvious now that he had not.
"...Huh?" He couldn't even remember what step he was struggling with before that voice startled him.
"Your foot…" He calmly repeated.
"I’m moving it."
"But at the wrong time."
"If you stayed back only to tell me how much I suck at this please, take this as an invitation to leave now." Once he had said it he was sure it came out way harsher that he had intended to.
He just wanted him to leave. Because being alone with him made Yesung feel as if his heart was being squeezed in between someone’s hands.
But, on the other side, there was that idiot and mocking smile, that ruffled hair and that sweet way he had of tilting his head that made him want to embrace him with all the strength he could muster.
The sport bag that Hyukjae was carrying left his shoulder and hit the floor with a loud thud.
"Let me help you with this." He just added.
And from that day on, every free afternoon that he had, Hyuk stayed with him in the practise room. No rush, no demands, no mockeries.
His reflection by his side on the mirrors, correcting every little mistake he made.
"You can pay me back with some singing lesson." He had said in between laughs one day, after Yesung had insisted yet again that he was free to leave whenever he wanted.
By the end of the second week both of them were so lost in their private tutoring that they barely registered whenever the others left the room at the end of practise.
"Okay couple, I’m leaving now, I wouldn't want to interrupt anything." Had said Shindong one day, crossing the door with Donghae’s arm on his shoulders while he laughed, followed by Leeteuk who was texting Kyuhyun about something concerning a TV show and not really paying any attention to any of them.
"Fuck y’all." Had been Hyuk’s answer, who hadn’t even spined around to see them leave.
That goodbye had left Yesung in a pensive mood for a couple of days.
"I’ve brought you dinner, to make up for my tardiness." That day had only been the two of them. There was no scheduled practise and the rest of the members were enjoying their free day.
So, when Yesung had written on the group chat that he’d drop by and practice a bit anyways, Hyuk had asked if he could wait for him. He’d be a bit late, he had something to record, but he’d be there too.
"There’s nothing to make up for. I mean, you’re already helping me a lot." That small gesture had made him happy, yet a bit uncomfortable.
Because that was the kind of thing you made on a date. Eat together. Watch a movie. Spend time together.
Shindong’s words came back to his head as he felt how his face was turning a deep shade of red.
Maybe he was giving the wrong impression.
He didn't want Hyuk to get angry at him.
" C’mon, let's take a look at those steps before eating."
Maybe it was because his brain was more focused on making sure he was not doing anything that would make all of this look like a date, but he was making quite a lot of mistakes and that made him feel bad with himself because the dancer was looking more and more frustrated as time went by. Yesung decided that that was better than Hyuk hating him or feeling uncomfortable.
"My God… I thought I was a better teacher than this."
"It’s not you, I’m the one who keeps messing-"
"Don’t you dare finishing that sentence. I don't want to hear any self-pity. You dance just fine." And as he said that he walked towards him, his eyes focused as if he was measuring something. An moment later he was crouching down in front of him, poking at his thigh and foot.
"Okay, for this part try counting up to three and then you move this forward" Yesung just let him do whatever he was doing, looking at the dancer with curiosity in his eyes, as he kept thinking and then started to rise up again. "And then… not before… You push your hip to the left." He was now standing just in front of him, while poking impertinently at his side. "Not before, I mean it, wait for the beat."
Half a smile crept on his face and he raised his gaze towards Yesung. And that was the moment the singer kissed him.
Their lips touched just a second, an impulse he wasn't conscious about after it was too late to stop the momentum.
And, when trying to move away, dazed, Hyuk’s hand made his head stop in place.
He could feel his breathing getting quicker. Deeper. He seemed on the verge of tears or ready to burst into laughter.
Maybe it was laughter after all, because even if he could not see his face, Yesung could feel that bright smile becoming larger and larger with every second that went by.
"Idiot… You’re such an idiot." Hyuk whispered while he rubbed their noses together and his fingers got tangled on his hair.
His skin was burning and he was sure the dancer wanted to say something else, but all that came from his mouth was the word idiot again and again.
And then he kissed him with such strength that Yesung had to take a couple of steps back as to not fall to the floor.
A deeper but clumsy kiss, as he could not stop laughing.
"So...maybe those were dates after all." Thought the singer before hugging him as strongly as he could.