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And here I am, yet again, weeping on my desk, a hand covering my face whilst the other vigorously scratches my scalp from stressing over all the things I’ve voluntarily brought upon myself, convincing myself that it is a need for me to memorize all these names and information when nobody has compelled me to do such. I will continuously make myself suffer from all these responsibilities I didn’t need to carry and yet again condemn the world for my "cruel" treatment—for I am too ashamed to admit that I myself have prompted my misery.
Perhaps it’s because I seek validation from everyone, perhaps it’s because I fear that once I stopped reaching the standards that I’ve set, I'd lose the people I care about, for under my facade there is nothing but a common man. Perhaps thinking about this is just another way for me to engage in self-pity; for me to moan about how ridiculous it is for me to do this and engage in self-pity. I will never know.
But that’s not the point right now, I have little to no time to finish up my duties, much less to lament about my problems. I cease scratching my scalp and separate my hand from my face and look at the records right in front of me.
Glancing at it already makes me want to cry, yet no tears come out of my face; this makes me question if I do wish to mourn or if I only think so because it’s the thing most people would do when fronted with these sorts of conditions. Currently, my perception of human emotion and essence is still very inadequate, so yet again, I will never know. I do not even have the strength to pick these up and even as I do, I do nothing more but to blankly stare at it, internally panicking about my insufficient amount of time, wasting my time on overthinking about doing it instead of doing it.
Ah! How foolish of me to yet again make things more difficult for myself, my apologies.
I stop thinking and decide to just finish what I have already started. Another restless night is yet to arise, once again shall the shadows of the night encompass me and my soul, and once more shall I suffer in solitude as I wait for morning to come.
Hours after my small resolution, I once again inevitably begin to overthink and wonder why I even bother doing it when no one would notice the difference if I did and if I didn't.
Will my sole purpose in life be only this? Memorizing names and numbers? Why do I even bother doing this when I know well enough that within a few days all of these will suddenly be gone from me? What do I even obtain out of this besides money?
I cannot help but be frustrated at the thought. With my current job, I could die at any given moment. Will I really spend the rest of my days managing a casino, being a hidden terrorist as if this were a criminal television series?
How cruel it is! I cannot believe I just let myself live my life like this! I cannot believe that I once again came back to pity myself. I need to take a breather.
I stepped towards the door and opened it. Much to my surprise, it was already dawn, people have already begun to set up everything in the casino, costumers have already begun to visit the restaurant to eat their early breakfast.
The moment I stepped out I was greeted with a small good morning from an employee with a smile, and as others started to notice my presence, they did so too, some even asking how my day was.
For an instant, I felt a surge of joy and felt like my heart skipped a beat the moment the scene unraveled before me. A sense of familiarity washes over me and it felt comforting. It felt as though these people were my home.
And that was the exact moment I realized that maybe spending the rest of my days with them and having them be the reason for my existence wouldn't be so bad at all.