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Hi sweetheart,
I'm feeling a little out of sorts today. I can't quite explain it, and you know how frustrated I get when I can't use my words. They're all I have. Apart from you.
I couldn't use my words earlier either. Suga-hyung and I were workshopping lyrics, and it was just one of those days when I couldn't hold up my end of the creative bargain. I couldn't use my limbs either, clumsily tripping over myself in the new choreography. Hobi-hyung yelled. Now that I'm writing this, I'm wondering if that's what set this off. Letting the rapline down like that. Jin-hyung, Taetae, and Jiminie tried to comfort me, but I couldn't even draw from my patience to see past the mood I was in, and they ended up staying away from me for the evening. I couldn't use my stomach because I lost my appetite, much to Jungkook-ah's excitement. (How can he eat all that food? Where does it all go?) At least that left a member happy.
And now, I can't use my brain. I'm sitting here trying to read the next chapter in my book, but I'm so distracted and foggy that I just keep reading and re-reading the first line at the top of the page. I try starting again on the previous page, and I'm able to read those words with no problem because I've already processed them. It's starting the next thing that's got me blocked.
Maybe I'm too full. I think I need a release.
And only you help me with that.
I don't mean it in a crude or lustful way -- though I absolutely wouldn't be opposed to that. Just thinking about calling you and asking you to describe what you're wearing, how you're feeling, what we'd be doing if I were there, is sending chills down my spine and making me smile. But I know you're asleep, and the peace I get from knowing you're tucked away in your bed, hopefully dreaming of me, gives me some comfort.
Honestly, I mainly mean it in an existential way.
Now, I'm thinking of us and the secret vacation we took last year. Stealing away to Corfu. No one knowing who I was. Everyone enchanted with who you were. The kumquat liqueur opening you up in a way that I had only seen in glimpses by then. You were shining like an evening star when you got up and danced to the bouzoukis playing. I told you so, and you smiled at me, placed your hands on my face, and told me, "Then you are like the sun."
No one had told me that before. No one had held me like that before. The calm that washed over me when you did that was inexplicable. Inescapable. I became addicted. I always want more of you. I am the best version of myself when I am with you. Because of you.
Perhaps that's why I long for you now. It's selfish, but that's because when it comes to you, I will always be selfish.
I'm going to try reading my chapter once more and imagine you lying on my chest, your fragrance wafting up to me, your finger stroking my arm. I'll read to you. Maybe then, I'll finally feel that calm wash over me again, and I can sleep. And I'm going to try to be better tomorrow, when the sun comes up and replenishes me.
Sending you my love. Send me yours.
-Joonie