Archive of Our Own

If there was one thing Beatrice prided herself in, it was how accomplished she had become at such a young age.

Beatrice had always been top of her class in grade school, was currently maintaining a perfect 4.0 GPA in her college courses, was fluent in five languages (and could get by in two others), was efficient in multiple athletic activities including mixed martial arts and downhill skiing, could play four different instruments at ranging complexities, and was absolutely dominant at Jeopardy (if she did say so herself).

So, yeah. With all of that going on for her, Beatrice was pretty confident in her abilities as a human being. She had all of the skillsets she could need for whatever challenges came her way and she was completely certain that she could do anything she wanted with her life.

That is, she was.

Until she met Ava.

Because, really, there was no preparing for the hurricane that was Ava Silva. She crashed into Beatrice’s life the second day of freshman year and has been raging and causing chaos in her wake ever since.

Ava was loud.

Electric.

Magnetic.

Effortlessly beautiful.

And Beatrice couldn’t get enough of her perfect storm.

While Beatrice was sure in her abilities and her intelligence, she would never claim that she had everything figured out. Beatrice was smart and strong and could take on any challenges as they come, yet life tended to be completely unpredictable and had a way of always keeping her on her toes. But, even with all of the uncertainties and mysteries and inconsistencies in the world, there were three truths in Beatrice’s life that never seemed to waver.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.

And Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.

***

The first two truths took Beatrice all of a week to figure out.

Beatrice met Ava in Anthropology 101 on the second day of classes during their freshman year at Areala University. Ava was a lot in that first meeting; talkative, open, honest, and really just downright charming. She had the most expressive eyes Beatrice had ever seen and there had been something about her that had hooked Beatrice right in (and it was the last thing Beatrice had ever expected upon starting her college education). Beatrice had been making puns with her, for god sake (she can clearly remember there being one about Smash Mouth or something equally as terrible). Puns were not normal Beatrice behavior, not even a little bit. She doesn’t make puns. Her sense of humor was purely based off of repartee and clever conversation, not the cringey ‘dad jokes’ Ava was so fond of (and unfortunately brilliant at delivering). Beatrice doesn’t even recall ever making a friend so easily before. She had always been so reserved and careful in her human interactions, having never had much time to build such close friendships and relationships (hence the numerous skills and talents that were aforementioned). But then Hurricane Ava hurtled into her life and turned everything Beatrice had known upside down.

And it just goes to show that Beatrice was right (she’s usually always right).

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(Though, maybe not necessarily in a bad way.)

-

They really didn’t have much in common, Beatrice and Ava. Which made it even more strange just how easily and quickly they fell into friendship. Where Beatrice was focused and disciplined, Ava was free-spirited and very much embodied a go-with-the-flow mentality. Where Beatrice was quiet and only really spoke when spoken to, Ava was in your face and has probably already shared every aspect of her day before anyone even had a chance to ask. Where Beatrice would be perfectly content spending her down time reading the New Yorker or boxing at the gym, Ava was happy to hole up indoors while she binge-watched bad reality TV and devised new ways to annoy Lilith. Where Beatrice was always so steady and attentive and could cook a three-course meal with her eyes closed, Ava couldn’t sit still, couldn’t spot context clues if they stood in front of her and did a little dance, and didn’t know she was supposed to let the water boil before putting pasta in until Beatrice showed her how. They were complete opposites, really. And Ava herself was an enigma to begin with.

Ave was reckless yet caring. Bold, yet soft. Fiery, yet had one of the biggest hearts Beatrice had ever seen.

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.
(And she was maybe also everything that Beatrice would like to be.)

-

While Beatrice had done everything under the sun to be the perfect person her parents wanted her to be, there was one glaring aspect of her personality that had left her feeling flawed, despite all of her accomplishments. It wasn’t actually a flaw though, not really. Because while her parents weren’t too pleased about it, Beatrice knew deep down that there were a lot of worse things in the world than girls who liked to kiss girls.

It took Beatrice a long time to come to this conclusion; that she wasn’t a lesser person because of her sexuality. That being a lesbian (Beatrice had just gotten to the point where she could say the word out loud without flinching) wasn’t a crime against humanity. And Beatrice would be lying if she said that Ava didn’t play a big part in that realization. Ava was completely open about her sexuality. She liked men, she liked women, and she didn’t care at all who knew it. It was somehow both inspiring and terrifying at the same time.

It was the biggest relief for Beatrice when she first came out to Ava after getting into yet another argument with her mom about her romantic preferences at the end of their freshman year. Ava didn’t even bat an eye when Beatrice admitted her biggest flaw. In fact, telling Ava that she was into girls, it was like suddenly Beatrice’s sexuality wasn’t even a flaw at all. It was liberating, to say it out loud. Freeing. And Ava’s immediate acceptance and understanding of her was more than Beatrice could ever have asked for.

That was the thing about them. Ava got Beatrice. She got Beatrice in a way that no one else really seemed to. Ava got Beatrice more than Camila, Mary, or Lilith did (though Beatrice probably had more in common with those three than she seemed to with Ava). Ava got Beatrice more than her parents did, not that that was too surprising seeing as her parents only really saw what Beatrice could do, rather than who she was. Ava got Beatrice more than the first girl Beatrice ever kissed back when she was in high school (and the second, and the third, for that matter). Ava simply got Beatrice, and up until they met Beatrice hadn’t realized just how much she needed someone like Ava in her life to brighten up all of her dark and empty spaces.

Before Ava had crashed into her life, Beatrice had experienced ‘feelings’ for other women before, sure. She had had brief flings in high school that left her heart racing and feeling like she was invincible, while at the same time left her confused and muddled and afraid of the person residing in her own skin. It was never love, so to speak, but it was something. She could recall the rush of excitement after her first kiss, hidden away behind the bleachers of her high school soccer stadium, holding hands with a cute girl in darkened movie theaters, the thrill of hiding that one aspect of her life from her parents and the crushing fear when they inevitably found out (along with the complete demoralization they placed on her by subjecting her to their intense homophobia). The point is, it was nothing new for Beatrice to have fleeting crushes and interests and attractions and feelings, even if they were feelings she eventually learned to conceal from the rest of the world. But –

This thing she had with Ava; it was never like that.

From day one, Ava had always felt permanent.

Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(And she has been from the very beginning.)

***

Their friend group was pretty set early on into their first semester of freshman year at Areala University. Beatrice’s roommate was Camila; a kind, bright, bubbly ray of sunshine that Beatrice hit it off with right away. It was a pleasant surprise for Beatrice to get on with her assigned roommate so well, considering how many students were placed into situations where quite the opposite would happen. Beatrice just got lucky, she guessed.

They spent the first weekend in their dorm getting to know each other, telling stories, and sharing hobbies. Like Beatrice, Camila loved playing piano. They wandered around the music department and other areas of campus until they found an old piano in an unlocked basement in Ives Hall, where they sat side by side for hours playing pieces and learning from each other. Camila also enjoyed kickboxing, old movies, and homebrewed tea. She came from an extremely large family and was one of the best listeners Beatrice had ever met. After just that initial weekend together, Beatrice knew that they were going to be great friends.

When Beatrice brought Ava around for the first time, Camila liked Ava immediately, much to Beatrice’s relief. Not that it was surprising or anything. Camila and Ava were actually pretty similar, in a happy-go-lucky kind of way. They were always laughing when they were together, whether it was at some new story Camila was sharing (she was chalk full of tales of wild adventures she’s been on. She may look all cute and innocent, but the girl’s got an interesting way of life, that’s for sure), or another atrocious pun by Ava, they got along like moths to a flame. And seeing Camila be as caught up in Ava’s overall charm, just as Beatrice had been, made Beatrice feel a little less crazy for how quickly Ava seemed to take up residency inside all of the neurons in her brain (but only just a little).

Through Ava, they met her roommate, Mary. She was snarky and intelligent and portrayed a tough persona (which really didn’t last too long because Ava had a way of breaking through the façade) with a heart of gold buried underneath. Beatrice liked Mary a lot. She liked how easily Mary and Ava would bicker back and forth and draw Beatrice and Camila into their banter. She liked the way Mary would roll her eyes and act annoyed every time Ava would say something undeniably stupid (which was pretty frequently, if you were wondering) but still have to fight back that fond smile she seemed to have whenever Ava was around. She liked the way Mary would just let Ava exist as she was; no judgement for her quirks or eccentricities, no need for her to be anything more or anything less. It was a beautiful dynamic Ava and Mary had built between themselves, and it filled Beatrice’s heart to see someone else love Ava just as effortlessly as she did.

After Mary came Lilith; the tall, graceful, yet very intimidating student (who had the sharpest, most defined cheekbones Beatrice had ever seen) that lived in the single dorm across from Beatrice and Camila’s room. In the early days of the semester, Beatrice and Lilith would just nod politely at each other when passing by in the hall, never stopping to chat or exchange pleasantries. It was Camila who brought Lilith into their group after bumping into her at the campus dining hall one evening. Camila encouraged Lilith to sit with her friends for dinner and that had been that. There was really no escaping their pack once Camila and Ava had a hold on her. Beatrice was grateful for that. Lilith was the missing piece to their unfinished puzzle, and somehow managed to mesh right in with each of their individual personalities.

Mary and Lilith both sported a similar serious overtone covering numerous layers of sarcasm and abstract cynicism that seemed to work better together than they did apart. Together, Mary and Lilith were a dangerous tag team when it came to their favorite game to play: messing with Ava. It was always something new with those three, whether it was Ava poking fun at them in all the right places (“Ugh, I forgot to grab a knife…oh, I know! Lilith, can I borrow your cheekbones to cut my steak?”) or Mary and Lilith pulling some ‘harmless’ prank on Ava (Beatrice wasn’t about to let anyone forget the time Ava ended up leaving the dining hall with a fork protruding from her left butt cheek, no matter how much Mary and Lilith claimed it was an ‘accident’). They all could give as good as they got and made sure that things were never boring when the five of them got together.

By the end of the first month of her freshman year, Beatrice found herself surrounded by four wonderful people without really knowing how it happened. After so many years of keeping her peers at arm’s length and never allowing herself to truly be close to anyone, she suddenly had friends; people who cared about her and treated her as if she had value. It was such a strange phenomenon that even weeks later Beatrice was still surprised by the attention she received from her newfound family. She almost expected that Ava and the others would get sick of her in the end, but just as those thoughts would occur, it was like they would pull her even closer into them. It was a new concept; this whole being wanted thing. And it was nice. It was so nice. And Beatrice really hoped it would last forever.

-

Ava was a touchy person. That’s just how she was. Beatrice learned this about Ava within the first two hours they spent together. As Beatrice was not naturally a touchy person, this came as a bit of a shock.

It was all casual touches with Ava. She liked lingering contact. She would grab Beatrice’s arm without thinking about it when she was telling a story or laughing at something Beatrice had said. Or she would rest her chin on Beatrice’s shoulder when they were standing in line at Holy Grounds to get their morning coffee. Or she would absentmindedly play with the ends of Beatrice’s hair when they were studying in the student center together. It always seemed like such unconscious actions, like Ava didn’t even realize she was doing it, but every touch was like a little jolt of electricity that Beatrice could feel course through her entire essence.

After the first few weeks of knowing Ava, Beatrice began to pay close attention to this habit of hers. Ava was touchy with everyone, sure. She basked in the attention and the affection she could get from others, whether it was a quick hug from Camila, a fist bump from Mary, or a pat on the head from Lilith. Ava craved these little physical interactions. But with Beatrice, it all seemed different.

Ava was soft with Beatrice. Softer than she was with the others. Oh sure, she would tease Beatrice until the cows came home, but there was a glint in her dark eyes when she would smile so warmly at Beatrice that wasn’t there when she talked to Camila or Lilith or Mary, even. It was a look that was just reserved for Beatrice, and Beatrice would be lying if she didn’t search for new ways just to get Ava to look at her like that again. But it was the touching that really set apart Ava’s friendship with Beatrice.

As stated before, it was always casual. Natural and expected. The unnatural part was how much Beatrice began to change in response to Ava’s mannerisms. Beatrice had always felt uncomfortable initiating contact with other people, especially with other women. She never wanted her actions to be misinterpreted; scared to be seen as anything beyond just being friendly. But she was never uncomfortable with Ava. Maybe it was the way Ava would send her that beaming smile of hers after a hug or how Ava would reassuringly squeeze Beatrice’s hands as if she knew that Beatrice was second-guessing her own daring when she would reach out for Ava. Or maybe it was the way Ava always seemed to seek Beatrice out when she wanted someone to lean against or cuddle up with or to just exist in the same space with. And Beatrice loved it. She loved having Ava’s head resting in her lap and she loved when Ava would put her arm around her and she loved holding Ava’s hands. Whatever it was, there really was no fighting against the force that was Ava. Because Beatrice had never been a touchy person, but suddenly with Ava, she craved their physical connection just as much as Ava did.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(Maybe Beatrice wasn’t built to last anyway).

***

A bright, sunny October afternoon during their freshman year of college found Beatrice lying in a hammock suspended between two trees in the middle of Angel Quad (nicknamed so due to the weird and somewhat disturbing statue of the angel Adriel that stood outside one of the lecture buildings). Beatrice was very lightly swinging back and forth while she read through an article assigned to her in her Political Science 101 class. At least, she was attempting to read. Her thoughts had been more than distracted lately by a certain someone with big eyes, a mischievous smile, and a mysterious past.

Ava was hiding something, that much Beatrice was sure of. It was subtle, the way Ava would pull away whenever talk of her family came up or someone asked her a question about her home life. Ava was good at deflecting these questions; answering without substance and quickly changing the topic before anyone really noticed. But Beatrice saw the shift. She saw the way Ava would break eye contact and her voice would drop off just slightly. It felt rehearsed, the way Ava talked about her past. She made things out to be normal and uneventful, boring even. But Beatrice had a feeling there was a lot more beneath the surface than Ava was letting on.

“Beatrice?” A familiar voice broke through Beatrice’s thoughts. You know what they say, speak of the devil and the devil may appear.

Ava’s face popped into Beatrice’s vision from the opening of her hammock; her wide, toothy smile peering down at Beatrice with that look in her eyes.

“Bea!” Ava said excitedly. “What are you doing out here?”

Beatrice put her article down, feeling suddenly all too close to Ava, wrapped up in the light that seemed to seep out of her very being. “Oh, you know, just hanging around.” Ava’s smile grew even wider while Beatrice grimaced at her own pun. Ava’s sense of humor really was starting to rub off on her. “What are you doing here?”

“Just thought I’d swing by and say hello.”

Beatrice just sighed as Ava laughed softly. “How did you find me?” Beatrice asked.

“Are you kidding? I would know this hammock anywhere. We did just spend over two hours in REI last weekend while you meticulously debated over what color you wanted to get.” Ava reminded her. “Now scooch over, I’m coming in.”

“What – Ava!” Beatrice tried to protest, but Ava was already jumping up and climbing into the hammock. On top of Beatrice. This was a single nest hammock; it wasn’t exactly built to accommodate a second person. But somehow, Ava made it work. Beatrice had slid to the very back of the hammock and Ava was between her legs, leaning back so that her head rested on Beatrice’s chest. Beatrice felt frozen, her body tingling at the sudden feel of Ava’s skin pressed against hers. Ava reached over and wrapped both of Beatrice’s arms around her front, and Beatrice tried to keep her hands from shaking as they came to rest on top of Ava’s stomach.

Ava hummed quietly as they swung softly together while the hammock settled. “Yup,” Ava said, placing her hands on Beatrice’s. “This is nice. I can definitely see why you wanted one of these things.” Beatrice could feel Ava vibrating against her chest while she spoke, and Beatrice had to agree; this was nice. Surely this was the only way one should ever hammock (and Beatrice was suddenly regretting her choice to not get a double-nested hammock. What a foolish decision that was).

“My parents have one of these set up behind our Cape house, overlooking the beach.” Beatrice said, trying to keep her heart rate and voice steady at Ava’s sudden proximity. “It was one of those netted ones with ground supports, but the concept was the same. I would lay in it for hours on nice days, just reading or watching the ocean waves. Sometimes I would even sleep there if it was warm enough at night.”

Ava chuckled. “I’m impressed you even had the time to relax like that. Didn’t you have lessons in one thing or another every second of the day?”

“Maybe,” Beatrice smiled. “But I would often practice things outside and away from my parents when I could. It became my own secret hideout. I would slip away, and I would people watch and make up stories for them in all different languages. Guess what their lives were like and come up with my own assumptions of who they were. It was quite fun actually.”

“Oh, so spying is just another one of your impressive skills I take it?” Ava teased.

“Well, of course. Proficiency in espionage is almost expected from someone of my social background. But what about you?” Beatrice asked. “Did you have a place like that to escape to back home?”

Ava tensed up, and even though Ava was still laying mostly on top of her, Beatrice still felt like Ava was suddenly much farther away. “I guess so,” Ava said quietly with a shrug of her shoulders. “But nothing as nice as a hammock by the beach. Did you surf a lot growing up? You look like you’d be a good surfer.”

Beatrice narrowed her eyes. There it was again; the deflection. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”

Beatrice hesitated slightly. She didn’t want to press Ava too hard, but she was curious about whatever it was Ava wasn’t saying. She wanted Ava to trust her enough to talk about the hard things. And frankly, Beatrice just wanted to know Ava. The good, the bad, and everything in between.

“I’ve noticed the way you get whenever we ask about your home.” Beatrice said carefully. “For someone who talks so constantly,” Beatrice tapped a finger teasingly against Ava’s forehead. “You get strangely quiet when it comes to your family or your home life. Why is that?”

Ava didn’t answer right away. Beatrice could practically hear the thoughts racing through her mind as she worked out whatever it was that she wanted to say. Beatrice held her breath in preparation, aching to know just what made Ava so…Ava.

“I –” Ava started but then stopped again. She took a breath, then tilted her head back so that she could see Beatrice’s face. Ava, usually so open and expressive, was impossible to read in this moment. “I didn’t grow up like you did, not at all. Is it okay if I don’t talk about it? At least, not yet?”

Beatrice, throwing all caution to the wind, wrapped her arms even tighter around Ava and pulled the girl closer into her chest. “Of course, Ava. You don’t have to talk about anything until you’re ready. Just know that when you are, I’ll be right here ready to listen.” The tension seeped out of Ava and she gave Beatrice that look again and whatever it was Ava was hiding from her, Beatrice knew it wouldn’t change the way she felt about Ava (even if she wasn’t quite sure yet just what she was feeling).

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything that Beatrice wasn’t.
(Just maybe not in the ways Beatrice was expecting.)

-

Ava finally opened up to them just two months later, on the roof of Ava and Mary’s dorm building and under the influence of cheap red wine and the thrill of having survived finals week. It was freezing on the roof, but the buzz from the wine was warm as it rushed through Beatrice’s veins.

“I need to tell you all something.” Ava said suddenly, interrupting the game of quarters their group had been heavily invested in. She was sitting cross legged next to Beatrice with a blanket wrapped tightly around her shoulders and cradling a bottle of wine.

“What’s on your mind?” Mary asked distractedly from across the circle as she bounced her quarter, cursing quietly after completely missing the glass she was aiming for.

Ava took a deep breath as she looked around the circle. Beatrice followed her gaze, surprised by how nervous she looked. Ava was usually brimming with self-assuredness, so it was always strange when she dropped the confident act she wore so well. When Ava met Beatrice’s eyes, Beatrice saw her shoulders relax a little and knew Ava was resolved in whatever it was she wanted to say. Ava took another swig of wine, straight from the bottle, before she spoke.

“I’m an orphan.” Ava let out with a short breath. “That’s why I don’t talk about home. My mom died when I was young, and I never knew my dad. I grew up in an orphanage. It wasn’t exactly…it wasn’t great.”

Ava dropped her gaze down to the wine bottle she clutched in her hands. There was a beat of silence, the only sound coming from the quarter Lilith had shot into the glass moments ago, ringing softly in the night. But no one was paying attention to the game anymore.

“I know I should’ve said something sooner,” Ava continued, her voice quivering slightly. “I just – I didn’t want to be the weird orphan girl here. I figured college was my chance to start fresh and be whoever I wanted to be. I could have real friends and make real connections and…and I just wanted to be normal for once. I’m sorry.” That last part came out in a whisper and Beatrice’s heart broke when she saw how glossy Ava’s eyes had become.

Without thinking, Beatrice reached over to lace her fingers with Ava’s, giving her hand a tight squeeze until Ava looked up again and met her eye. “Ava,” Beatrice whispered as a single tear slipped down Ava’s cheek. “It’s okay. You being an orphan doesn’t change how we feel about you.”

“Yeah, Ava.” Camila said from Ava’s other side. She took Ava’s other hand in her own. “It’s not our place to judge where you’re from or how you grew up. We’re just glad you’re here now and that you trust us enough to share these things about yourself.”

Ava gave Camila a weak smile, and Beatrice’s heart swelled at the sight. It all made sense; the secrecy, the hesitation, the aura of confidence over layers of insecurity and doubt, the way Ava found so much joy in the smallest things. These last few months must’ve been the first days of freedom Ava had gotten to experience, and maybe even the first time she’s had people in her life who cared about her. Beatrice squeezed Ava’s hand a little tighter at the thought.

“Ava,” Mary said in an unusually soft voice. “I spent most of my life in the foster care system, bouncing from group home to group home until I got into college. The way we grew up doesn’t make us any less than anyone else.” She cast a side eye at Lilith and Beatrice as if daring them to disagree with her. “You don’t need to be ashamed of where you came from.”

Ava swiped at the tears that tracked down her cheeks. “Thank you,” She whispered shakily. “All of you. I feel really, really lucky to have found you guys.”

“Here, here.” Mary and Lilith said in unison, raising their cups in salute. Beatrice joined them in their cheers, taking her own generous sip of wine, while Camila patted Ava gently on the top of her head.

Beatrice, still holding Ava’s hand, drained the rest of her glass before pulling at Ava’s hand to get her attention. “Whatever your life was like before this, you’ve got us now. And we will never leave you.”

Her head felt fuzzy and heavy from the wine, but the look that Ava gave Beatrice just then was more intoxicating than alcohol could ever be. Something stirred from deep inside Beatrice’s heart, awakening for the first time. And she couldn’t put her finger on what it was, but she knew right away that it – that this moment – mattered.

Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(She just didn’t know it yet).

***

“Why does she need to be so mysterious?” Ava complained as she set her drink on the table and sat down with a huff. “I mean, come on. S? Seriously? Why can’t she just tell me what her name is already? And what’s with that scar? Normal people don’t have scars like that! She’s hiding something and I’m going to get to the bottom of it, you mark my words!”

“Ava,” Mary chided from across the table the Sister Warriors had claimed at ArqTech. “Please try to hear me when I say this again. You need to leave Superion alone. I’m 98% sure she knows our IDs are fakes and that we are all very underage, yet she lets us drink here anyway. And if you go and ruin that with all of your prying and all of your investigating, so help me I will kick you out of our dorm room to live on the streets for the rest of freshman year.”

Beatrice couldn’t help the laugh that escaped from her lips at the affronted look Ava was giving Mary. “That’s so rude, Mary. I’m already an orphan, how can you even think to threaten me with homelessness, too?” Mary just rolled her eyes at Ava’s dramatics before mussing Ava’s hair playfully and stealing a sip of her mojito.

They had first discovered the ArqTech bar a few months ago at the start of their spring semester of freshman year after Camila was tipped off by a classmate in her Creative Psychology lecture about the lax bartender that owned the science-themed bar. Camila had excitedly brought the news to the Sister Warriors (the new name Ava had started calling their friend group after the night on the roof) and Mary and Lilith arranged getting them fake IDs so that they could try their luck. And so far, the IDs were working out perfectly. S, the bartender that Ava was slightly obsessed with, didn’t even bat an eye at their ragtag group and served them drinks without question.

“Seriously though, Ava,” Lilith chimed in while stirring her gin and tonic. “You really shouldn’t be giving S any more reason to scrutinize us than she needs to. If we can’t drink here anymore, we’ll have to go back to scavenging alcohol from house parties and I really don’t want to stoop to that level again.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it.” Ava grumbled. “Now, are we playing Never Have I Ever or not?”

Beatrice groaned in resignation. “I hate this game.”

Camila nudged her with a cheeky smile. “That’s just cause you’ve never done anything.” She teased. Beatrice rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t even argue really.

“I’ll start!” Ava said excitedly, bouncing in her seat. “Never have I ever flirted to get out of a speeding ticket.” She said while staring directly at Lilith. There was laughter around the table as Lilith shrugged and took a generous sip of her drink.

“I knew I was going to regret telling you that story, but I have no shame; sometimes you’ve just got to use what the lord gave you.” Lilith said casually while Mary nodded at her appreciatively. “Never have I ever been nude in public.” Lilith shot back at Ava.

“Hey, that was only because Beatrice dared me to.” Ava defended as she sipped her own drink. Beatrice chuckled remembering the night a few weeks ago where Ava, never one to back down from a dare, had unashamedly streaked across campus. That had certainly been a sight to see.

“If you two are done targeting each other,” Mary said with a huff, glancing between Ava and Lilith. “The rest of us would like to play, too. Never have I ever set something on fire while cooking.”

Ava narrowed her eyes. “I thought you wanted everyone else to play.” She muttered while she took her drink. “And that’s really not fair, you know I never had access to a kitchen growing up. How was I supposed to know the Cup of Noodles would burn in the microwave like that if I forgot to put water in it?”

“Gee, I don’t know, common sense maybe?” Mary mocked playfully. “You should really consider getting some.”

“Yeah, well you should consider getting a heart.” Ava mumbled under her breath while Beatrice rubbed Ava’s arm soothingly.

“Ooh, I have one!” Camila said, flashing a smug smile towards Ava. “Never have I ever injured myself while trying to impress a boy.”

Lilith snorted. “Good one, Cam!” Beatrice tried to unsuccessfully hide her own laughter behind her hand while Camila and Lilith high-fived across the table.

Ava glared at Camila, unamused. “One,” Ava held up a single finger. “That pole came out of nowhere, okay? Who even puts poles like that in the middle of the sidewalk? Anyone would’ve run into it. And two,” A second finger joined the first. “I was not flirting with that guy; he had a really cute dog that I just wanted to pet.”

“Sure, whatever you say, Ava.” Mary said with a smirk. “Just take your drink already.”

Ava did so, then said “Never have I ever hit a car while trying to parallel park.”

Lilith sipped her drink, eying Ava reproachfully. “I thought we had agreed that we weren’t going to mention that again?” She muttered. Beside her, Camila also took a drink.

Beatrice raised her eyebrows at Camila. “What?” Camila said with a small shrug. “It happened years ago before I learned how to drive properly. It was dark out and parallel parking is hard.”

“Amen to that.” Lilith agreed, clinking her glass against Camila’s.

Mary tapped her glass rhythmically with her fingers while she thought of the next question. “Never have I ever accidentally called a teacher ‘mom’.” There was general laughter around the table as everyone except for Mary drank to that one.

The game continued like that for a while, with the questions staying relatively clean. Never have I ever hitchhiked (Camila), cheated on a test (Mary and Ava), given someone a fake phone number (Beatrice, Camila, and Lilith), cut their own hair (Ava and Camila), danced on a bar (Ava and Lilith), pretended they couldn’t speak English to get out of talking to someone (Beatrice), gotten lost after a night of drinking (Ava), dropped their phone in a toilet (Ava), cried while watching Homeward Bound (Ava).

“I really don’t appreciate you all ganging up on me like this.” Ava grumbled as she took yet another generous sip of her drink. “And I don’t believe for a second that none of you cried during Homeward Bound. Come on, the ending with Shadow? You’re really going to tell me that none of you teared up when he finally made it home?”

“Do I really look like someone that cries during movies?” Mary asked.

Beatrice nodded. “She’s got a point there.”

“No soul, Mary. No soul.” Ava sighed, shaking her head sadly. She rubbed at her eyes for a moment while she thought of the next question. “Never have I ever been arrested.” Ava said, staring directly at Mary.

Mary took a drink, but then so did Camila. Everyone turned to stare at Camila in surprise. “Camila, you little felon!” Ava exclaimed. “I knew Mary had a dark side, but this is certainly unexpected.”

Camila smiled unapologetically. “I grew up in the south, crazy things tend to happen down there. It was only a minor offense, I swear.”

Beatrice chuckled as she rested her head on her hand, starting to feel a little fuzzy from the alcohol. “Do we even want to know what you could have possibly done to get put behind bars?”

Camila considered the question for a moment, then shook her head. “No, I really don’t think you do.”

“Well, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one.” Mary said, throwing a wink in Camila’s direction. “Never have I ever walked in on my parents having sex.” Beatrice’s eyes widened in alarm at the very thought, while Camila and Lilith both shared a disgusted look as they sipped their drinks.

Lilith shuddered. “Believe me when I tell you that it scarred me for life.”

Ava snorted in amusement. “Ah, the one time I’m better off for not having parents.”

“Never have I ever kissed a girl.” Camila blurted out, side-eyeing Ava and Mary. Beatrice felt her blood run cold at the question, realizing that it was one that actually applied to her.

“I’ll cheers to that,” Mary laughed, clinking her glass against Ava’s as they both took a drink. Beatrice took her own sip quickly, hoping the action would go unnoticed (but of course it didn’t).

“Woah, woah, woah. What?” Ava was staring at her in amazement and Beatrice could feel her face heat up as all eyes slowly turned towards her. “Hold up. Bea, you’ve kissed a girl? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about this?” Ava glanced at Camila. “Did you know?” Then to Mary. “Did you know?”

“Why would I have known?” Mary asked, bewildered.

“Ooh, it looks like it’s story time, Beatrice!” Lilith said gleefully.

Beatrice sank down in her seat, wishing she had just lied and let the game continue. No one would have known any better. “There’s not much to tell.” She mumbled while refusing to meet anyone’s eye, desperately racking her brain for a good excuse as to why she might have been kissing a girl in the first place. Mary and Ava might be open about their sexuality, but Beatrice was not about to come out now in the middle of a bar while playing a stupid drinking game. And she definitely wasn’t ready to discuss the girls in high school whom she had shared short kisses with behind the bleachers. “It was in high school when I was with some friends playing spin the bottle, okay? I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. It was just part of a game.” (Lies).

“Incredible.” Ava said. “Never have I ever thought you capable of keeping such secrets.” Mary groaned, but Ava ignored her. “I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned this before. After everything I told you about how I kissed that girl back at the orphanage and you just never thought to mention that you had kissed girls before, too. What other surprises are you holding out on me, huh?”

Beatrice squinted as she finally looked up at Ava. “Nothing, nothing. Sorry, it was just such an insignificant event it never really occurred to me to talk about it before. It never meant anything.” (Lies. Lies. Lies).

Ava scrutinized Beatrice, and Beatrice tried her best not to look guilty.

“Anyone else need another drink?” Mary asked as she got up from the table.

“Wait, I’ll come to the bar with you.” Lilith said, and she got up to follow Mary. Camila decided she wanted to go, too, so Ava and Beatrice were left at the table by themselves.

Ava was still staring at Beatrice with an unreadable expression.

“What?” Beatrice asked timidly, almost afraid of what thoughts were running through Ava’s mind after Beatrice’s half-confession.

“Nothing, I just –” Ava tilted her head. “There’s just so much about you that I still don’t know, you know? Sometimes I forget that we’ve only known each other for a few months because it really feels like you’ve been in my life forever. And it’s kind of weird to think that there are things I’m still learning about my best friend.”

Beatrice felt a sudden warmth seep into her. “I’m your best friend?” Beatrice had never had one of those before. Beyond the Sister Warriors, she had never really been close enough to others to consider them as anything more than acquaintances, let alone friends. But now here was Hurricane Ava, swooping in to claim that top title of friendship for herself, and just the thought of Ava wanting to be that close to Beatrice made her head feel fuzzy in a way that had nothing to do with the alcohol she was drinking.

“Obviously,” Ava grinned. “What, did you think it was Mary? She’s great and all, but she doesn’t get me like you do. No one gets me like you do. I can always Bea myself around you.”

Beatrice scrunched up her face. “You just had to ruin the moment, didn’t you?”

Ava laughed and shot Beatrice with some finger guns. “It's kind of my specialty. And, just another reason Mary doesn’t make the cut. She hits me when I say things like that.”

“I can’t even say I blame her, really.”

Beatrice wasn’t sure when it happened, but suddenly Ava’s fingers were intwining with hers and Ava was laughing and there was that look again, and she was Ava’s best friend. It was like the time on the roof, when Beatrice had felt something stir from deep inside of her. But it was louder this time, more pronounced. Best friend. Best friend. Best friend.

“I feel the same way, Ava.” Beatrice whispered, and Ava beamed back at her.

Was this how everyone felt about their best friends? This fluttery feeling she had in her chest, that was completely normal right? It was natural for Beatrice’s breathing to speed up and her pulse to race at Ava’s touch and at the soft glow in her dark eyes and the all-consuming light that seeped out from her entire being. Beatrice has never had a best friend before, but if this is what it was like she was seriously starting to doubt her entire notion of keeping people at arm’s length. Because having Ava like this, well, maybe letting the walls come down a bit wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(But maybe Beatrice was never that strong to begin with.)

***

Beatrice had never been prone to being jealous, but that went right out the window when Ava started dating JC during their sophomore year.

JC was an idiot, Beatrice decided. He couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life and it seemed like all he wanted to do was get high and party. That was his entire personality, and Beatrice couldn’t for the life of her see why Ava liked him. Beatrice supposed he was okay looking (if you were into the whole ‘male’ thing, that is), but he wasn’t anything special. And Ava, she was special, and she deserved to be with someone so much better than JC (preferably someone who was intelligent and could match Ava pun for pun and whom Ava didn’t have to try so hard around).

Beatrice had never thought it could be difficult to hang out with Ava, but suddenly it was when all Ava wanted to talk about was JC.

“Last night we went to this underground club and it was like straight out of a movie, Bea!” Ava gushed after bursting into Beatrice’s dorm room and flopping down on Beatrice’s bed. Beatrice had to fight not to roll her eyes when she realized who the topic of conversation was about (again) and tried to focus back on the book she was reading at her desk. “I’ve never been to anything like it before. The music was so loud you could feel it vibrating through your whole body and JC just seemed to know everyone there and you wouldn’t believe all the people and the colors and the lights. There were so many different lights, Bea!”

“Uh-huh,” Beatrice muttered absentmindedly.

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.
(And sometimes Beatrice was grateful for that.)

“Are you even listening?” Ava asked skeptically, reaching over to tug at Beatrice’s sleeve.

Beatrice glanced at Ava over the top of her book. “Of course, I am.” She lied.

“Then what was I talking about?”

“Something about fights with JC?”

Ava chuckled in amusement. “Lights, Bea. Not fights.”

“Well, one could only hope.” But thankfully, Ava didn’t seem to notice the bitterness behind Beatrice’s words.

While Ava was busy being enamored by JC, Beatrice was busy coming to terms of her own inner turmoil. There was a reason she despised JC the way that she did. It wasn’t just because of his personality (or lack of one, really). It wasn’t just because of his stupid face and rich boy attitude. It was because of what he got to do with Ava. He got to hold Ava’s hand while they walked around campus. He got to take Ava out on dates. He got to kiss Ava whenever he wanted to. And Beatrice was just starting to realize that she wanted to be the one doing those things with Ava.

It hit Beatrice so suddenly that she was momentarily dumbfounded that, for someone who was so smart and so accomplished, it had really taken this long for her to notice.

Beatrice wanted Ava.

She wanted to be with Ava. She wanted to be the one Ava was gushing about with their friends and the one Ava was going on cute dates with and the one Ava was going home with at the end of the night.

It was a crushing awareness for Beatrice, as she stared at Ava over the top of her book while Ava’s mind was on someone else. It all made sense, the way Beatrice’s heartbeat seemed to skip when Ava would smile at her or how shaky Beatrice would feel when Ava was sitting all too close to her or how Beatrice’s skin would be on fire at just the thought of Ava touching her, let alone when she actually did. It all made sense how Beatrice’s name always sounded so much better when it came from Ava’s mouth or how Beatrice searched for pieces of Ava in everyone she talked to or how Beatrice had never liked the color brown before but somehow the dark shade of Ava’s eyes had become her new favorite color without her noticing. And Beatrice used to think she had it all figured out, but the fact that it took her so long to understand how she felt towards her best friend was really making her lose faith in her own intelligence.

Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(Even if Ava was busy loving someone else.)

-

“I think I like Ava.” Beatrice said the second Camila walked into their dorm.

Beatrice was curled up in a ball in her bed, where she had taken up residency the second Ava had left to go to JC’s, all thoughts of studying for her International Political Economy class gone after being blindsided by the revelation of her feelings. She had been going over and over it in her head all afternoon and trying really hard not to panic at what it would mean to have these feelings for Ava.

Camila scrunched her face up in concern as she examined Beatrice, cocooned in her blankets in the dark and listening to Featherstone by The Paper Kites on a loop. “I mean, I would hope you like Ava. She is your best friend and all. It would be kind of weird if you didn’t.”

Beatrice shook her head. “No, I mean I think I like her.”

“Oh,” Camila sat at the edge of Beatrice’s bed. “Okay, you like Ava. That’s huge, Bea.”

“It’s disastrous.” Beatrice whispered, burying her face in her pillow.

“What, why?”

“She’s with JC.”

Camila fought back a smile as she softly patted Beatrice’s head. “Oh, please. That’s not going to last long. JC is just a fling. I’m pretty sure Ava doesn’t even actually like him; she just likes the attention he gives her.”

Beatrice frowned at Camila. “How can you be so sure?”

“It’s just in the way that they are together.” Camila explained with a shrug. “There’s no substance between them, no real spark. He doesn’t challenge her. I give it two more months tops before Ava gets bored and ends things.”

Beatrice sat up, her heavy heart feeling a little bit lighter at Camila’s words. “You really think so?”

“Definitely. And if you wanted to speed things up a bit, you can always take the Mary and Lilith route.” Camila said. “Just start expressing your extreme dislike of him and maybe Ava will clue in a little bit quicker that he’s wrong for her.”

Beatrice felt the corners of her mouth twitch up in a smile. “What was it that Lilith said about him yesterday during lunch? That he’s living proof that evolution can go in reverse?”

Camila laughed. “And then Mary said he has all the personality of saranwrap. But see what I mean? There’s no way Ava stays with him for too long, not when all of her friends don’t like him that much. She’ll catch on that JC is nothing special eventually.”

Beatrice sighed and flopped back down on her bed, covering her hands with her eyes. “Boys are dumb.”

Camila nudged Beatrice over to make room for her and laid down next to Beatrice. “They can be. But honestly, so can Ava.”

Beatrice smiled, because Camila definitely wasn’t wrong. “I know, but she can be so much more than that.” Camila rolled onto her side so that she was facing Beatrice, propped up on her elbow. “Ava is…she’s actually really smart, you know? Like, she completely exudes dumb jock energy, but she also has moments where she can be so attentive and invested and she can really care so much about the little things.”

Camila hummed softly but didn’t interrupt.

“Sometimes, Ava will point something out about me that I barely even notice about myself. Like, yes Ava is the most oblivious person I’ve ever met, but then there are times where she’s incredibly aware. It actually makes no sense but it’s Ava, so of course it does. Last week, for instance, she brought an extra jacket with her before our class because she knows the building we have Art History in is always freezing and that I might need it. It never even occurred to me that I might be cold, but Ava was prepared for me. And whenever she brings me coffee, she gets the cream to sugar ratio just right and I never even told her how I like it. She just knows! She has the dates of every book fair in this town and the next memorized so that I never miss them, she finds new documentaries on Netflix that she thinks I might like and makes plans to watch them with me, and she’s been training at the gym so that she can be my sparring partner after she masters the basics. She doesn’t have to do any of that, but she does it all anyways.”

“She cares about you.” Camila said simply, and there was a sparkle in her eyes when Beatrice looked at her. “It’s no secret that you’re her favorite person, Bea. She really cares about you.”

Beatrice felt her face heat up and she sank further into her bed. “I don’t know why I’m just realizing it, but ever since I met Ava, it’s like no one else matters. Know what I mean? She’s everywhere.”

“Sounds like somebody’s in love.” Camila teased, poking at Beatrice’s side.

Beatrice’s eyes widened. “What? No. That’s just ridiculous.” Camila raised a disbelieving eyebrow. “I mean, of course I love Ava. She’s Ava. But I’m not in love with her. I just simply like her more than one would normally like another friend, that’s all. No one said anything about love.”

Camila’s smile grew somehow even wider, and Beatrice had to look away. “Well, even if this is only a simple crush, I’m really glad that you felt comfortable enough to tell me about it.”

“Me too,” Beatrice agreed. While she had been out to Ava since the end of the previous school year, she had only just come out a few weeks ago to the rest of the Sister Warriors and was still working on allowing herself to be open about her feelings and sexuality around them. “Talking about these things does make it a little bit easier to process everything.” Beatrice admitted.

Camila chuckled good naturedly. “See, that’s exactly why I’m studying psychology. There’s so much power in therapeutic work. And seriously, don’t worry about the whole JC thing, Ava will come around in her own time and realize she could have so much more than that.”

Beatrice smiled wistfully. I could be so much more for her.

Their conversation was interrupted then by a quiet knock on the door of their dorm room. Beatrice rolled out of her bed to answer it and was surprised to find a sleepy-looking Ava on the other side.

“Ava?” Beatrice glanced behind her at the clock on her desk. “It’s almost midnight, what are you doing here?”

“Sorry, I just –” Ava’s jaws gaped in a yawn. “I was at JC’s, but I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d come here? I always sleep better here.”

Beatrice hesitated, but she really couldn’t turn Ava away. Not when she was all soft and small like she was. Beatrice opened the door wider and stepped aside so that Ava could enter the dorm room. She smiled fondly at Beatrice as she passed and immediately jumped into Beatrice’s bed, sliding over towards the wall and pulling the covers up to her chin. Camila, who had since gotten into her own bed, shot Beatrice a suggestive look, but was nice enough not to comment on how she would be sleeping next to Ava all night. Beatrice tried her best not to blush at the thought.

The second Beatrice got into bed, Ava latched onto her like a koala, wrapping her arms around Beatrice’s waist and nuzzling into Beatrice’s neck. Cuddling wasn’t anything new for them, but now that there were feelings involved, Beatrice felt like she was on fire and had to kick the blankets off of her to regulate the sudden spike in temperature her body was experiencing.

“Thanks for letting me sleep over.” Ava whispered; her breath warm against Beatrice’s neck.

Beatrice took a steadying breath, forcing herself to relax. “Of course, Ava. You know you’re always welcome here.”

Ava mumbled something else, but it was too quiet for Beatrice to catch.

“What was that?” Beatrice asked.

Ava pulled away slightly, her sleepy gaze meeting Beatrice’s, giving her that lookagain. “I said, you feel like home.” Beatrice didn’t respond, but she figured her heartbeat was loud enough to fill her silence.

You feel like home, too.

***

The Sister Warriors got a house together at the start of junior year that they nicknamed Cat’s Cradle. Beatrice was apprehensive of the housing arrangement at first, not sure if she really wanted to be in the same living quarters as Ava all the time. It was already difficult enough to keep her feelings in check when she was around Ava, so she was nervous with how it would be when Ava slept just a few rooms away (at least their bedrooms were on different floors, though Beatrice swore she could still feel Ava’s heart beating even with all of the space between them).

Beatrice and Ava were best friends, that much was certain. As their junior year of college began, they were as close as two completely platonic friends could be, really (and Beatrice would be lying if she said she didn’t spend way too much time trying to convince herself that being best friends was enough for her (it wasn’t)). However, there was something different about Ava this year. The differences were so small, that only someone like Beatrice who was constantly tuned in to everything that was Ava would even notice them. It was in the way Ava’s touches seemed to linger just a little longer than normal and the way Ava seemed to stumble over her words more than usual in Beatrice’s presence and the way Ava would seem almost nervous around Beatrice. And maybe Beatrice was just going crazy, but it almost seemed like maybe –just maybe – Ava might feel something more towards Beatrice, too.

One October night at ArqTech stood out pretty clearly in Beatrice’s mind.

They had claimed their regular booth in the back of the bar and Ava was pressed against Beatrice in the booth, their legs touching under the table. Ava was going on about yet another theory of Mother Superion’s past, but Beatrice really wasn’t listening, just taking the opportunity to stare at Ava without it being weird.

Ava was simply beautiful, without even trying. All soft skin and dark eyes and fair hair and she was glowing in the dim lights of the bar (and Beatrice was in love).

The conversation shifted to some shenanigans from the weekend before, and Beatrice chuckled as she recalled the passionate Shania Twain cover Ava had performed in the middle of the bar. It had certainly been a sight to see.

“Your rendition of ‘Man! I Feel Like a Woman’ was pretty impressive.” Beatrice said, immediately jumping to Ava’s defense as the group started to gang up on her.

“Thank you, Bea!” Ava grinned at her, the sight warming all of Beatrice’s insides. “At least someone here appreciates my talents.”

“Beatrice, please don’t encourage her.” Mary groaned, but it was worth it to be on the receiving end of one of Ava’s blinding smiles, so Beatrice just took her victory and stuck her tongue out at Mary.

As Beatrice drank more and felt herself relax in the warmth and comfort of her friend group, it was becoming increasingly more difficult to be in the moment when her brain seemed to be stuck on Ava. Beatrice could feel Ava’s laugh vibrate through her whole body as Ava interrogated Mary about her ‘friend’ Shannon, and she couldn’t stop staring at Ava’s hands as they were wrapped around the rum and coke she was drinking; fingers absentmindedly tapping at the glass. Would it be weird if Beatrice held her hand right now? They held hands all the time (in a completely platonic, non-romantical way, of course). Yeah, it wouldn’t be weird, Beatrice decided. Holding hands with Ava was normal behavior for her now, no one would even think twice about it.

But, before Beatrice could reach out, Mary suggested a game of Fingers and suddenly Ava’s hands were busy as she got involved in the game. Beatrice tried to pay attention, managing to call out random numbers every time it was her turn, but there was no thought or strategy behind them as she was too preoccupied with the all-consuming Ava (thankfully she didn’t have to try too hard because Lilith, for some reason, had the worst luck when it came to this game and lost tragically).

After Fingers, Camila launched into a story about some trouble she and some of her cousins back home once got in that involved a paintball gun, her high school biology teacher, and a rogue chicken. It was hilarious, as all of Camila’s stories generally were, and Beatrice found herself laughing along with her friends as she unconsciously leaned her head on Ava’s shoulder.

There was the slightest change in Ava when the contact was made. It was as if she had simultaneously shifted to better adjust to Beatrice’s touch, while also tensing up as if it was too much. But before Beatrice had a chance to contemplate what that could mean, Ava was jumping up from her seat, banging her knees into the table and endangering the upright integrity of all of their drinks in one go.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Mary snapped from across the table, just managing to keep her drink from spilling over.

“Let’s go dance!” Ava said loudly, and then she was grabbing Camila’s hand and pulling her up and over Beatrice so that she could join Ava on the dance floor.

“But Ava, no one’s dancing yet!” Beatrice tried to call after her, but Ava payed her no attention, already twirling Camila in a circle as they started their own dance party.

“What was that about?” Lilith asked, staring quizzically after Ava and Camila.

Mary shrugged. “Baby H is weird. I find it gives me less of a headache if I just don’t question it.”

Beatrice laughed softly as her eyes tracked Ava; her and Camila being the only two people dancing in the bar. Ava was focused on doing some weird waltz with Camila to the CHVRCHES song playing in the background. She was completely off beat and had stepped on Camila’s toes too many times to count, but her face was lit up in that brilliant smile of hers and Beatrice found that she couldn’t look away. The scene was just so completely Ava (and Beatrice was in love).

“…Beatrice?” Lilith’s voice broke into her thoughts, and Beatrice forced herself to tear her gaze away from Ava so that she could focus on Mary and Lilith, both of who were giving her strange looks.

“What?” Beatrice asked, having completely missed the conversation they were having.

Mary smirked at her. “We were wondering if you wanted to play Beer Bottle Blow,” Mary gestured to the beer bottle and deck of cards she had set up on the table. “But you were too busy eye-fucking Ava to pay us any attention.”

Beatrice felt her cheeks heat up at the accusation. “I – I wasn’t doing that.” She stuttered.

“Sure, you weren’t.” Lilith said while rolling her eyes. “But you had the same look on your face that Mary gets when she looks at Shannon, so forgive us for making assumptions.”

“Would you shut up about Shannon already?” Mary sighed. “You’re just as bad as Ava.”

“Am I wrong though?” Lilith pressed.

“Well, no, but still. Shannon deserves nothing but our utmost respect.” Mary raised her eyebrows at Beatrice. “Ava, on the other hand –”

“Stop,” Beatrice held up her hands. “I was not looking at Ava like that, okay?”

Mary and Lilith exchanged a disbelieving look, but they were nice enough to let the subject drop.

“Whatever you say, Bea.” Mary said. “Now are we playing this game or not?”

“Actually, I need another drink.” Beatrice said, and used the excuse to escape from the table and the scrutiny of Mary and Lilith.

Beatrice plopped herself down in an empty barstool, sighing softly and trying not to look behind her to where she was acutely aware of Ava’s presence. The last thing she needed right now was for Mary and Lilith to catch her staring again. She needed to be more careful with how she acted around Ava, before someone let it slip to Ava that Beatrice had these feelings for her.

“You all right, Beatrice?” S asked from across the bar. Beatrice had been so wrapped up in her thoughts, she hadn’t even noticed the bartender standing in front of her.

“I –” Beatrice was about to lie and say that everything was fine, but catching the concerned look in S’s eyes had Beatrice derailing completely. “No, not really.”

S nodded as if appreciating Beatrice’s honesty. “Do you want to talk about it? I’ve been told by many patrons that I am an excellent listener and advice-giver.”

Beatrice smiled. “A bartender that is also a therapist, how cliché.” S shrugged and poured Beatrice a shot of tequila in one of the bar’s cool test tube shot glasses, sliding it across the wood.

“Take it as you will.”

Beatrice took the shot, feeling the familiar burn as the tequila slid down her throat. She swallowed a few times until the fire died down a bit before looking back up at S, who was leaning against the bar, waiting patiently.

“Have you ever been in love, S?” Beatrice asked in a burst of bravery.

“Maybe,” S said, pulling the dirty shot glass from the bar and setting it in the sink. “I’m assuming this has to do with Ava?”

Beatrice wasn’t surprised at the guess. “Yeah, it does.” She admitted.

S nodded. “Well, if you’re looking for advice, I’d say that a little communication can go a long way. Nothing is ever going to happen if you two keep skipping around each other the way you have been. If this – if Ava – is what you want, you’re going to have to go and get it. Because if you’re waiting for her to clue in, you’re going to be waiting for a long time. Ava’s not exactly what you would call quick on the uptake.”

Beatrice looked down to hide her smile. S really wasn’t wrong there. “But what if she doesn’t feel the same way?” Beatrice asked quietly.

“It’s a risk, and you just need to decide if it’s one worth taking or not.” S poured Beatrice another shot. “But, if the way she looks at you is any indication, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet.”

Beatrice tilted her head. “What do you mean? How does she look at me?”

S smiled. “Like you’re everything.”

Beatrice felt a warmth spread through her at S’s words, and she downed the shot, barely even feeling the burn of the alcohol this time around. “Thanks, S.”

“It’s Sylvia.” The bartender said. “You can call me Sylvia. Just do me a favor and don’t tell Ava, okay? I like messing with her.”

Beatrice’s smile widened as she stood up from the bar stool. “You got it, thanks Sylvia.”

“Anytime, now go dance with your friends. And start thinking about taking that risk, once you’re ready.”

The dance floor was in full swing by the time Beatrice rejoined her friends. The Sister Warriors were dancing together in the thick of the growing crowd, and Beatrice fought her way past multiple groups before she was able to reach them. Camila smiled widely when Beatrice appeared in their circle, and the curly-haired girl took Beatrice’s hands to pull her in closer through the crowd.

A lot seemed to happen in a short amount of time, as tends to happen on nights like these. The alcohol coursing through Beatrice’s veins left her feeling loose and light, and she danced without reservations as the euphoria from the Sister Warriors rubbed off on her. And Ava was suddenly in front of her and she was giving Beatrice that look and Beatrice knew she was staring but she really couldn’t help herself.

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(And Beatrice was in love.)

They were locked in a burning gaze as they danced, moving in perfect synchronization as they got lost in each other’s orbits. At some point, Ava’s hands ended up around Beatrice’s neck and Beatrice’s hands were scratching at Ava’s hips and they were close. They were so close.

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(And Beatrice was in love.)

It was like they were the only two people in the world, as Beatrice was tuned in to everything that was Ava. Maybe this was the moment. This was what she had been waiting all of this time for. Because with Ava looking at her like that and somehow managing to pull Beatrice in even closer, and Beatrice was so sure that Ava must feel this thing between them, too.

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(And Beatrice was in love.)

Maybe they would’ve taken that risk. Maybe they would’ve crossed that very thin line that existed between friendship and so much more. Maybe Beatrice would’ve found the nerve to close what little space remained between them and kissed Ava the way that she has been aching to.

But then Mary had to choose that exact moment to stumble into them and break the spell that Beatrice and Ava had been trapped in. Beatrice hastily stepped back, feeling flushed and unsteady as she looked anywhere but at Ava. She briefly registered Mary asking Ava to go with her to the bar to get more drinks, and Beatrice was suddenly overcome with a wave of uncertainty as she turned away from Ava and towards Lilith and Camila instead. She tried to steady her breathing and regain control of her brain now that Ava was no longer in front of her and looking at Beatrice as if she was about to kiss her.

Because, though Beatrice was a little drunk and a whole lot confused, there was no way she had imagined the way Ava had been looking at her. And she couldn’t help the sharp feeling of disappointment that came over her as she wished that the night had ended in a completely different way.

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(And Beatrice was in love.)

***

Ava was gone the next morning before Beatrice had even woken up, and she tried not to dwell too much on why that was. She had overheard Mary grumbling to Lilith in the kitchen about Ava skipping out on their boxing session in favor of ‘studying’, though spending any amount of time in the library on a Saturday was completely out of character for Ava. As far as Beatrice could figure, Ava had either forgotten about an upcoming test that she was suddenly stressing about, or the events of last night had affected her just as much as they had affected Beatrice.

What had happened last night? Beatrice could recall it all so clearly; her talk with S – Sylvia –, dancing with Ava, the closeness of their bodies, the way Ava looked like she was seconds away from kissing Beatrice…

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

Beatrice closed her eyes and sank deeper into the living room couch. What if it had been too much? What if it really all was in Beatrice’s head and she had just been seeing what she wanted to see? What if she had scared Ava away with the intensity of her feelings? What if Ava was weirded out by Beatrice’s crush? What if Ava didn’t want to be around Beatrice anymore now that Beatrice had crossed that line?

Beatrice rubbed at her eyes while she took deep steadying breaths, trying to calm herself down. She was being irrational. Ava wasn’t at the library because she wanted to hide away from Beatrice, she just had work to do, that was all. In fact, it would be completely in character for Ava to not have even noticed that anything strange or different had happened between them last night. She was just oblivious enough to completely miss what was right in front of her. Yeah, she probably didn’t even realize how badly Beatrice had wanted to close all of the distance that had existed between them.

But, even after coming to this conclusion, Beatrice was still too nervous to even text Ava, not quite ready to unpack what may or may not have almost happened last night. She would just wait until Ava got home and see how the other girl reacted to her and would go from there.

Beatrice ended up spending the morning lazing around the living room with Camila while they continued watching Terrace House from where they had last left off. Ava usually was there to watch with them, but since she had decided to go AWOL this morning, she would have to catch up on her own time. At some point, Mary and Lilith asked if they wanted to go boxing with them at the gym, but Beatrice really wasn’t in the right headspace for physical activity and Camila was still sore from a workout she had done the other night, so Mary and Lilith went without them.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Camila’s voice broke through Beatrice’s thoughts as the episode they were watching came to an end.

“What?”

“You’ve been in a funk all morning. Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

Beatrice sighed and shook her head no. She grabbed a pillow from the couch and wrapped her arms around it, clutching it tightly to her chest.

“Does it have to do with Ava?” Camila pressed. “Did something happen with her at the bar last night?”

Beatrice wasn’t really surprised that Camila had put two and two together. For as sweet and innocent as Camila was, she was freakishly observant and always seemed to know just what was happening with everyone around her.

“I don’t really know.” Beatrice admitted, surprising herself with how honest she was being. “We were – she was – it felt different. We felt different.”

“Was it a good different or a bad different?”

“I’m not sure, just different.” Camila hummed softly as she waited for Beatrice to elaborate. “It was like we were standing on the edge of – of something. But we were both too scared to make the jump.”

Camila reached over to place a soothing hand on Beatrice’s shoulder. “Do you think you’re both ready to make that jump, though?”

Beatrice took a moment to think about Camila’s question. Was she ready to have something more with Ava? Yes. She craved the possibility of more. But was Ava ready for more? Did Ava even want more?

Beatrice was surprised to feel her eyes get misty, and she hastily wiped at them before it became too noticeable. Camila was kind enough not to comment; she just stroked a hand through Beatrice’s hair in a calming, repetitive motion.

“Sometimes I wonder how it’s possible to feel so much for her. I don’t know if my heart is built to last like this.” Beatrice whispered, gripping the pillow she was hugging even tighter.

“It is.” Camila promised. “I know it is.”

They didn’t speak much after that, just settled into a comfortable silence while they put on the Food Network. Beatrice tried to focus in on the tv to distract her brain, but it was difficult to concentrate on anything when she had Ava on her mind (Ava was always on her mind).

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

Ava returned from the library in the afternoon and Beatrice felt her heart lighten considerably as the small girl wandered into the living room to join them.

“Hi Ava,” Camila said brightly. “Where’ve you been? You missed Terrace House.”

Beatrice smiled at the adorable little pout that took over Ava’s face. “You watched without me?”

“We always watch on Saturday morning.” Beatrice pointed out. “You disappeared on us.” I wish you had been here, though. It’s not as fun when you’re not here.

“Sorry,” Ava muttered as she sat down next to Beatrice on the couch. “I needed to study.”

Beatrice could feel her pulse accelerate the closer Ava got. And looking at her, Beatrice felt suddenly calm, calmer than she had been all day. Here Ava was, in the same room as Beatrice, on the same couch, and it didn’t feel weird. There wasn’t any tension between them like she had feared, and Ava was right there. Close enough for Beatrice to touch. So, Beatrice did.

“Studying? On a Saturday?” She tossed her arms around Ava’s shoulders and pulled Ava in to lean against her chest. It was easy and natural and soft. Ava was always so soft. “Who are you and what did you do to Ava?” Beatrice teased.

Something seemed to be happening with Ava. Beatrice could feel her heart beating rapidly, and she seemed flushed and almost nervous all of a sudden. Normally, Ava would’ve had some sort of quip at the ready for when Beatrice teased her, but now she was completely silent and strangely very warm, like she was running a fever.

“You’re hot.” Beatrice said, trying to press a hand to Ava’s cheek to check her temperature.

“I – what?” Ava stuttered.

“Your skin,” Beatrice explained with concern. “It’s all hot. Are you feeling okay?”

When Beatrice’s hand finally reached Ava’s forehead, Ava jumped up abruptly and out of Beatrice’s reach, cheeks flushed and breathing slightly uneven. Beatrice wondered if she was coming down with a cold or if she was still fighting a hangover from the night before.

“You know, now that you mention it, I’m not feeling to great. I think I just need to lay down for a while.” And then Ava all but fled from the room. Beatrice could hear her stomping up the stairs and down the hall to her room, before her door closed loudly behind her.

Beatrice glanced over at Camila. “Did she seem a little weird to you?”

Camila fought back a smile while giving Beatrice a knowing look. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say Ava was a little flustered there.” Interesting, Beatrice thought, storing that information away for a later date. Ava did seem a little flustered. And Beatrice could only hope it was for the reasons she was thinking.

“Oh, look!” Camila said pointing at the tv. “Harry Potter is on! We’re watching that next.”

***

The last thing Beatrice wanted to be doing the following Friday night was partying. But Mary had demanded she attend the house party Shannon was throwing anyways, and Beatrice was dragged out of the comfort of Cat’s Cradle along with the rest of the Sister Warriors. Not that the party was bad or anything; Beatrice would’ve just preferred to not have been there on that particular night. She couldn’t get what had happened the night before out of her head, when they had been cooking dinner together as a family and Mary had let it slip (well, more like threw Ava under the bus) that Ava had feelings for some ‘mystery girl’.

Things had been relatively normal before that between her and Ava. Beatrice had finally talked to her about possibly going to France during winter break and Ava had seemed completely onboard with the idea. And during the week, they had engaged in all of their usual activities; meeting up for coffee between classes, studying together in the student center, waiting for each other’s classes to end for the day before walking home together. And last night had been such a nice evening as the Sister Warrior’s had their routine family dinner, before that revelation just had to come to light. The Sister Warriors had been partaking in their usual banter by teasing Mary and Ava and it had been fun. But then the whole night had to ruined by the sudden topic change to some ‘mystery girl’ that Ava was supposedly interested in. Beatrice had felt like she was stuck underwater, the conversation around her muffled and far off. Beatrice had known that Ava having feelings for her was a longshot, but for Ava to like a different girl? Now that was just cruel.

Beatrice leaned against the wall of Shannon’s living room, sipping half-heartedly at the beer she was nursing while she watched Ava get destroyed in slap cup, thanks to Mary and Shannon teaming up against her. Beatrice felt the corner of her lips pull up in a small smile; it was such a classic Ava move for her to think she stood a chance against them.

Ever since last night, Beatrice had been torn on where she stood with Ava. They hadn’t talked at all since, and while a part of Beatrice never wanted to hear about who the ‘mystery girl’ was or about Ava’s feelings towards said ‘mystery girl’, another part of Beatrice, the part that was Ava’s best friend, was disappointed that Ava had told Mary about the ‘mystery girl’ but not her. Ava was never one to hide things from her, so why now? What had changed? Beatrice had thought they were in a place where Ava could trust her with these things and couldn’t help but wonder if there was something that she may have done that had pushed Ava away.

Before Beatrice really had a chance to unpack her thoughts any further, Ava was suddenly there in front of her, invading her space and bumping their shoulders together. Ava smelled like cheap beer and bad decisions, but there was a sparkle in her eyes as she took Beatrice in.

“Why the long face, Bea?” Ava asked. “This party not up to your usual speed.”

Beatrice realized she must have looked pretty unhappy while she had been dwelling in the darker parts of her mind. “Oh, no, this is fine.” Beatrice said. But do you know what’s not fine? You not talking to me. Beatrice forced a smile on her face. “It’s nice to see Shannary actually act like a couple. They’re cute together.”

Ava’s eyes lit up as Beatrice used the term Ava had coined for Shannon and Mary, and just the sight made Beatrice soften a bit towards Ava again. So, instead of telling Ava what was actually on her mind, Beatrice made a bad alcohol pun about Shannon and Mary being too much for Ava to handle, just so that she could be graced with Ava’s smile again (while there were many things Beatrice loved about Ava, her smile was one of the things she loved the most).

They traded puns back and forth, and things felt normal between them. Beatrice could almost forget that there were ‘feelings’ and a ‘mystery girl’ in the first place. Almost. But that was ruined when (a very drunk) Lilith broke into their game to further interrogate Ava about her ‘mystery girl’.

“Ugh, seriously Lil, it’s no one.” Ava said, but she wouldn’t meet Beatrice’s eyes. Lying had never been a strong suit of Ava’s.

“Hmm, not drunk enough yet.” Lilith suddenly accosted Beatrice. “You’ll tell me about Ava’s mystery girl, right? What do you know about her?”

Beatrice looked down at the beer bottle she was still holding, though she had no desire to actually drink its contents. She fiddled with the edges of its label as she fought back her frustration. Even Lilith had assumed Ava would’ve told Beatrice everything. So why hadn’t she?

“There’s no mystery girl, Lilith.” Beatrice ended up saying, because Ava was still her best friend and it was only second nature for Beatrice to jump to her defense. Beatrice lost track of the conversation after that, as Lilith warned Ava that she would be watching her and then invited them to play beer pong with her before running off to drag Camila to the kitchen to play instead.

“Ava,” Beatrice asked hesitantly once Lilith had left, because while she really didn’t want to know, she needed to know. “Is there a mystery girl? Because if there was, you know you can tell me about her, right? You don’t have to keep secrets from me.”

A string of emotions passed across Ava’s face as Ava processed the question. Uncertainty. Guilt. Fear, maybe? What was Ava scared of?

“Look, Bea,” Ava said, her voice strangely shaky. “The girl Mary was referring to yesterday, it’s not what you think –”

But her confession was cut off by the sudden arrival of none other than the devil himself…JC.

Beatrice rolled her eyes so hard when Ava’s ex-boyfriend materialized in front of them that she was momentarily worried they wouldn’t come back.

Of course, he had to show up now. Right when her and Ava were having an open and honest conversation. Right when they were about to smooth over all of the weirdness of the last 24 hours.

Beatrice found herself walking away from Ava once she engaged in conversation with JC, wandering into the kitchen where Lilith and Camila were battling it out in beer pong against Shannon and Mary. Lilith was cheering as Camila made her shot with relative ease, while Mary and Shannon groaned as they shared the cup of beer between them.

“SUCK IT, MARY!” Lilith yelled way too loudly, as Mary flipped her off from across the table and Camila gasped in mock offense at the gesture.

“You better watch your back, Lilith.” Shannon warned. She took the next shot and missed fabulously, much to Lilith and Camila’s amusement.

“Babe,” Mary scolded. “Get your head in the game. If we lose this, I will never hear the end of it.”

Beatrice tried to focus on watching the game, she really did, but she was all too aware of Ava in the other room. In the short time since Beatrice had escaped to the kitchen, dancing had started up in the living room (mostly thanks to Zori for somehow getting control of the music). When Beatrice chanced a glance behind her to see where Ava had gotten to, she felt her heart sink even more at the sight of Ava dancing closely with JC.

All Beatrice could see was JC’s hands on Ava’s waist and Ava’s smile, the smile she always reserved for Beatrice, was directed at him instead. And it hurt. It all hurt. Because Beatrice was in love with Ava and yet here they were, again. Beatrice was in love with Ava, but Ava was once more wrapped up in someone else.

“Beatrice!” Mary suddenly exclaimed when she noticed Beatrice standing on the sidelines. “Celebrity shot for me, Bea! I need you to wipe that smug look off of Lilith’s face.” Mary grabbed Beatrice’s arm to pull her to her side of the table, shoving a ping pong ball into her hand. Beatrice had no desire to play this game, but she knew Mary wouldn’t listen to any protests. She took the shot, barely even noticing Lilith and Camila mean mugging her from across the table or Mary and Shannon’s cheers when the ball landed in one of the few cups left in the pyramid.

Mary and Shannon were giving Beatrice side hugs and patting her on the back for helping them advance further in their game, but it was all white noise as Beatrice glanced back towards Ava again.

It was too much. It was all too much.

Because JC was kissing Ava, and Ava was kissing him back.

And all Beatrice could see was red.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(And not always in a good way.)

-

Beatrice almost didn’t notice the way her feet carried her out of the house and down the porch steps. She just knew she had to get away. She had to get as far away from Ava as she could. It was cold outside, but she barely noticed the sting of the air or the tears that tracked down her cheeks or Ava’s voice in the background yelling at her to stop.

But she did stop, because while she may be upset and angry and hurting, it was almost impossible for her to ever deny Ava anything.

“Bea, where are you going?” Ava asked as she stepped in front of Beatrice. Her voice was soft and laced with concern and it somehow made Beatrice feel even worse.

“I’m going home.” Beatrice forced out, trying to regain some sort of control of her emotions even though the sight of Ava staring at her with that look in her eyes was enough to make her come completely undone.

“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Beatrice closed her eyes. Was Ava really that dense? Did she really not see what was going on here? Please Ava, Beatrice thought. Please put it together. Don’t make me say this out loud.

“Nothing,” Beatrice lied, wiping the tears off of her face and breathing deeply. Beatrice was strong and intelligent and she once jumped out of an airplane with nothing but a flimsy parachute strapped to her back and didn’t bat an eye…but right now, in front of Ava, Beatrice had never felt less brave.

Ava’s frown deepened. “‘Nothing’ is making you cry? Please talk to me, Bea. Don’t shut me out.”

I love you. I love you. I love you. How can you not see that?

“You don’t get it.” Beatrice laughed, almost incredulously. “How do you never get it, Ava?”

“Get what?” Beatrice felt almost delirious by the confused look on Ava’s face.

I love you. Just say it, Beatrice. Make her understand. I love you.

“Do you have any idea how insufferable you are sometimes?” Beatrice could feel her voice getting louder, more out of control than ever, yet she couldn’t stop it. “You just – you always completely miss the point, even when it’s right in front of you!”

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.
(Sometimes Beatrice hated this truth most of all.)

“I’m sorry.” Ava whispered. And Beatrice knew she was. She could feel the regret coming off of Ava in waves, even though it was clear Ava didn’t really understand why Beatrice was mad at her in the first place. The longer they held eye contact, the silence around them heavy and full, the more Beatrice felt drained.

She looked away once it became too much again. “Just forget it. Go back to the party, Ava. Go have fun with your boy toy or something.” She spat the words out with more menace than she had intended. Please don’t hurt me anymore.

“Can I at least walk you home?” It was like another dagger to the heart.

“No,” Beatrice couldn’t help but snap. “You’ve done enough tonight already.” She knew it was cruel. She saw the hurt in Ava’s eyes as Beatrice pushed past her. And for someone who never backed down from a fight, in this moment, Beatrice was all flight (though she still looked behind her every few minutes, hoping that Ava would have followed her anyway).

(She didn’t.)

Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(Even when it hurt.)

***

It wasn’t the first time Beatrice and Ava had fought, not by a long shot. But this fight felt different. Heavier. There was so much more behind it; so many things that had been left unsaid. So many feelings that were a little too real.

Beatrice spent the rest of the weekend holed up in the library, working on projects for school and studying for her upcoming midterms. She wouldn’t say that an added perk to never leaving the library was that she was able to avoid Ava, but essentially, she was avoiding Ava.

Things felt a little bit broken between them. Beatrice was confused, and she was hurting, and the worst part was Ava still didn’t have any idea what was going on in the first place. It was frustrating, to say the least. Beatrice knew she needed to do something if she wanted to make things right between them, but a new, terrible thought was taking over her mind.

Maybe this wasn’t fixable. Maybe it was impossible for Beatrice to be just friends with Ava. Maybe there was no going back to how things used to be. Not when Ava was just out of reach and Beatrice was in love.

Bea! [3:18 pm]: Ava, I’m sorry things got so messed up between us. It’s not you, it’s me… (Message Erased)

Bea! [3:27 pm]: You must think I’m so angry with you, Ava, but I’m not. Not really. I’m angry with myself for not being honest with you… (Message Erased)

Bea! [3:34 pm]: Ava, I’ve been trying to come up with a way to apologize to you all day but all I can think about is you with JC and I just… (Message Erased)

Bea! [3:39 pm]: I feel like such a hypocrite. How can I be upset with you for not sharing your feelings when I can’t even tell you about my own… (Message Erased)

Bea! [3:51 pm]: Ava, the truth is I’m so in love with you that it hurts, and I don’t think I can keep pretending that you aren’t at the center of my entire world because you are. But sometimes, I really wish that you weren’t, maybe it would hurt less… (Message Erased)

“Beatrice?” Beatrice looked up from her phone at the sound of her name to find Shannon standing across from the table at the library she had claimed as her own. “I thought that was you.”

“Hey, Shannon.” Beatrice said with a friendly smile.

“You look like you’ve been here for a while.” Shannon gestured the books and papers that were scattered over the table. Beatrice nodded, but she wasn’t about to admit that she had spent the better part of the last hour typing out texts to Ava that she never sent. “Are you interested in taking a break? I was about to go grab some coffee at Holy Grounds and wouldn’t mind the company.”

Beatrice decided that she did need a break (and some caffeine) so she packed her things and joined Shannon on the short walk to the campus coffee shop, talking aimlessly as they went. Beatrice liked Shannon. She was kind and quick-witted and Beatrice was really glad her and Mary had found each other.

They got coffee at Holy Grounds and sat at a small table by the window. “So,” Shannon said, sipping at her latte. “How is everything going between you and Ava? Mary mentioned you two got into a fight the other night.”

Beatrice took too large of a sip at the question and scalded her tongue. “Oh, I – I didn’t realize she knew about that.” She spluttered as her mouth burned.

“You’ve been distant, and Ava’s been sullen.” Shannon gave her an apologetic look. “Mary’s words, not mine. I think she just put two and two together.”

Beatrice rubbed at a dark spot on the table with her finger.

“Look, you totally don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but things probably aren’t as bad as you think they are.” Shannon waited until Beatrice met her gaze. “Whatever happened between you and Ava, you aren’t broken. I’ve only known the two of you for a few months but that much I can tell you. You’ll figure it out.”

Beatrice smiled as she curled her fingers around her coffee mug. Yeah, maybe they would. “Thanks, Shannon.”

“Of course,” Shannon lowered her voice teasingly. “But can you try to figure it out soon? Because if Mary complains to me one more time about how Ava’s mood is bringing her down, I’m going to lose it.”

Beatrice laughed. “I’ll do my best, I promise.”

“That’s all I can ask for, really.”

-

Despite her promise, Beatrice steered clear of Ava for the next two days while she continued to take her space and sort through her thoughts. Shannon may think that Beatrice and Ava weren’t broken, but Beatrice couldn’t help but dwell on her own self-doubt of the relationship she could have with Ava moving forward. Was she strong enough to remain just friends with Ava while she was hopelessly in love with her? Would it ever be enough for her, if Ava couldn’t give her any more than she was already giving? Beatrice wanted it to be okay. She wanted it to be enough more than anything.

It was Ava, surprisingly, who ended the rift between them by confronting Beatrice on Tuesday night after her Global Security lecture ended. It was awkward and Ava was bouncing with nervous energy, hands stuffed in pockets of a jacket that was slightly too large for her. And Ava had a look on her face that broke Beatrice’s heart and her resolve all in one. She was beautiful, simply beautiful.

Ava may never love Beatrice the way she wanted her too. But surely having Ava as just a friend was better than not having Ava at all? Because right then, with Ava by her side and holding Beatrice’s hand, not having Ava at all would be too much to bear.

They weren’t perfect, they would probably never be perfect again, but Beatrice would have to learn to accept that sometimes things just don’t work out the way that she wanted them to.

(“You said I’m insufferable.”)

(“Well, you are.”)

(“But you like me anyways?”)

(“Yeah, I guess I do.”)

(And Beatrice was in love.)

***

Beatrice’s entire body was buzzing.

Tonight, had been perfect. The play they saw was funny and real and heartwarming and Ava was everywhere. It was like Beatrice’s senses were hyper aware of her presence and her sounds and her scent and everything that was Ava.

So much for being okay with the whole ‘just friends’ thing.

The feelings between them, whatever they were, had felt supercharged ever since the lights dimmed in the theater. Ava had held her hand through the majority of the play and they had been laughing and smiling together so openly…and it wasn’t a date but it sure felt like one (and Beatrice was secretly thrilled that Mary, Lilith, and Camila had all bailed on joining them for the evening).

(And even more so when Ava voiced having that very same thought).

On the walk home, Beatrice had plucked up the courage to ask Ava about JC, because she needed to know if he was going to be in the picture again. There was no hesitation in Ava’s response when she said that he wasn’t. In fact, Ava seemed surprised that Beatrice had even thought it was a possibility. He’s not what she wants.

Beatrice felt intoxicated, though she hadn’t had anything to drink that night, as they stood together in the front room of Cat’s Cradle before going their separate ways. She didn’t want this night to end, and Ava’s hesitation as she stood on the bottom step of the stairs indicated that she wasn’t ready for it to be over either.

“Tonight was, surprisingly, a lot of fun.” Beatrice said quietly, and her voice sounded huskier than usual. “Thank you for not bailing on the play.”

Ava let out a soft laugh, her position on the stairs putting the two girls at eye level. “I would never stand you up like that, I’m too much of a gentlewoman.”

Beatrice felt a lot of things at once after that. She felt like time and space was condensing around their little bubble, and it was suddenly difficult to breathe regularly. There was something hanging heavy in the air around them, feeling very much like a promise. Ava’s eyes were wandering around Beatrice’s face with that look again, and Beatrice couldn’t read her expression but for a moment she could’ve sworn she saw her own desire reflected right back at her. It would be so easy, to close the miniscule distance between them. It would be so easy, to finally show Ava just how much her heart yearned for her. It would be so easy to give in to the ache in her chest that has been ever present since Ava first stormed into her life. It would be so easy…

But these things never really are, are they?

Beatrice felt herself pulling away the instant Lilith and Mary entered the front room, the bubble broken yet again by the harsh glare of reality (and Beatrice’s heart broke right along with it).

It was too much. It was all too much.

“You’re back.” Mary’s voice was uncertain and sounded far off, drowned out by the roaring of blood pounding in Beatrice’s ears. “How was the play?”

Ava didn’t respond, and Beatrice found she couldn’t look at her. If they had just had a moment longer, just a few more seconds to themselves…Beatrice closed her eyes, willing herself to maintain some semblance of control.

“Fine.” She got out; voice raspy. “The play was fine.”

And then Beatrice fled the scene to the safety of her room.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(And Beatrice had never been an exception.)

-

Beatrice had only just escaped into her bedroom and slid onto the floor with her back pressed against her bed when deep sobs racked through her body. She let them, not even fighting to hold anything back. She let herself cry and she wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled her knees to her chest and lost herself to the overwhelming feelings that were left in Ava’s wake. She loved Ava, she loved Ava so much and it was destroying her.

She wasn’t alone long though, because Lilith slipped into her room just moments later, crouching in front of Beatrice, holding Beatrice’s wrists carefully between her fingers.

“Bea?” Lilith’s voice was softer than Beatrice could ever remember hearing it before. “Beatrice, what happened?”

Beatrice just shook her head, overcome with emotions and unable to speak. Lilith dropped her wrists and sat beside Beatrice, putting an arm around Beatrice’s shoulder and pulling her in close. Beatrice pressed against Lilith, grateful that she wasn’t alone during this unpredictable breakdown she was having. They sat together in silence for a few minutes, while Beatrice’s sobs slowly quieted until she found she could breathe normally again. Lilith just held her, strong and steady.

“I can’t keep doing this.” Beatrice finally said, voice barely more than a whisper.

“Can’t keep doing what?” Lilith prodded her gently.

“I can’t keep pretending that what I feel for her isn’t – isn’t consuming me on the inside.” Beatrice pulled away from Lilith and rubbed tiredly at her eyes. “Love…it isn’t supposed to hurt like this, is it?”

Lilith frowned. “I really don’t know. But if you feel this strongly towards Ava – that has to mean something.”

Beatrice leaned her head back so that it was resting against her bed and stared at the ceiling. “Sometimes I think it would be easier if I would just walk away, you know? Give up. Ava and I, maybe we’re just not meant to be anything more than this. And this isn’t –” Beatrice sighed in frustration. “This is going to be the death of me.”

“Bea,” Lilith said. “I don’t think you should give up on Ava, not yet.” Beatrice turned her head toward Lilith. “From what we can see, this thing between you and Ava? It’s real. It’s as real as anything can be. Don’t stop fighting for it. Not now that you’re almost there.”

“I don’t want it to hurt anymore.”

“I know.”

“If she doesn’t love me the way I need her to love me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get over that.”

“You won’t be alone, you know? You don’t have to go through any of this alone.” Lilith promised.

“I thought she was going to kiss me tonight.” Beatrice admitted.

“Maybe you should kiss her instead? It’s Ava, so if you’re waiting for her to make the first move you might just be waiting forever.”

“Maybe I should.” Beatrice let out a short breath, then side-eyed Lilith suspiciously. “You know, I’m surprised how much you’re fighting for this. Better watch out Lilith, it almost seems like you care what happens to Ava.”

Lilith grimaced. “No way. I just figure that if she’s busy dating you, she’ll have less time to annoy me. It’s really just self-preservation at this point.”

Beatrice chuckled softly as she rested her head on Lilith’s shoulder. “Thank you for being here for me tonight.”

“Any time, Bea,” Lilith smiled. “Any time.”

***

Beatrice barely saw Ava at all over the next week. Outside of one run-in in the kitchen (where Ava accidentally knocked the jug of orange juice off the counter when Beatrice appeared) and one run-in at Holy Grounds (where Beatrice, having spotted Ava just a few tables over, had completely blanked when ordering her coffee and had accidentally said ‘Beetle’ when the barista asked for her name for her order), they had barely seen each other. It was obvious that Ava was avoiding Beatrice, and while it sucked, there was a part of Beatrice that was grateful for the space between them.

Beatrice needed to think, to really think, about what she wanted. Because if she went for this, if she dived in headfirst, there was no going back. There was no pretending that Ava was any less to her than what she was. There was no return to some kind of normalcy. It was all or nothing. And even though the thought was terrifying, Beatrice felt strangely excited at the possibilities.

(“This thing between you and Ava? It’s real. It’s as real as anything can be.”)

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

But at the same time, it was incredibly frustrating that Ava was avoiding her. It almost didn’t make sense. As far as Beatrice could tell, she hadn’t done anything wrong the other night. They had been having fun together at the play, and after there was an electric moment between them where something could have happened. But nothing did. There had been nothing. So why was Ava punishing Beatrice this way? Maybe it was just further confirmation that Beatrice had gone too far, that Ava had been scared off by the intensity of her feelings. Maybe Ava had finally reached her breaking point and she had decided that Beatrice was too much. That putting up with Beatrice’s overpowering feelings wasn’t worth it anymore. But that couldn’t be possible, could it?

Ava was everything. She was the light at the end of Beatrice’s very long, very winding tunnel. Ava was simultaneously the best and worst parts of Beatrice, and the parts that she couldn’t get enough of. She knew from the moment that they met that Ava mattered. That Beatrice mattered, because of Ava. It was an inevitability that she would fall in love with Ava. And now she was at a crossroads. She was standing on the edge of that damn cliff again. And she really had no idea what was waiting for her at the bottom.

(“This thing between you and Ava? It’s real. It’s as real as anything can be.”)

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

-

“Hey, Bea.” Mary said on Thursday evening, dropping into the empty chair across from where Beatrice sat at their kitchen table in Cat’s Cradle finishing eating dinner. Beatrice had been the only one home for the last hour, as Ava was still avoiding the house as much as she could, Lilith and Camila had classes late, and Mary had been at Shannon’s all afternoon.

Mary pulled a six pack of beer out of her backpack, popping the caps off of two bottles and sliding one across the table to Beatrice.

“What’s this for?” Beatrice asked.

Mary shrugged, taking a swig of her beer. “Does there need to be a reason?”

Beatrice narrowed her eyes skeptically but drank the beer anyway.

“So, have you given any more thought to what you’re going to do with your little Ava problem?”

Beatrice frowned. “See, I knew there was a reason.” Mary just grinned back at her. “It’s pretty much all I’ve thought about all week. And yet, I still don’t know what I should do. And it doesn’t help that she can’t stand to be in the same room as me right now.”

Mary groaned softly. “Yeah, can’t exactly say she’s handling this situation all that well either.”

Beatrice fiddled with the label on her beer bottle. “I wish I knew what to do.”

“Want to make a pros and cons list?” Mary asked, raising her eyebrows excitedly.

“That’s a terrible idea. Those never work.”

“Oh, come on!” Mary argued. “It’ll be fun. Pro: Get to date Ava. Con: Have to deal with Ava’s dumbass self all the time.”

Beatrice rolled her eyes but laughed along with Mary anyway. “Okay fine, but it’ll be a mental list. I am not risking writing this down with the possibility of Ava finding it later. I’ve seen how that goes over on tv and it’s just not worth it.”

“Deal.” Mary said, rubbing her hands together. “So, pro: We would get a happy and in love Beatrice. Con…”

“Ava doesn’t love me back.” Beatrice supplied.

“Unlikely, but sure.” Mary sipped her beer. “Pro: You two can finally stop hiding from your feelings.”

“Con: Our friendship is ruined, and we can never fix it.”

Mary stared at Beatrice for a moment before letting out a heavy sigh. “You know, this sounded a lot more fun in my head. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all.”

“No, no.” Beatrice waved her off. “I’m into it now. Come on, what else you got?”

“All right…” Mary said, though she sounded uncertain. “Pro: You’d get to kiss Ava whenever you want to.”

“Con: She finds me repulsive and wants nothing to do with me.” Beatrice countered.

“Jesus, Bea. Pro: You get to fall in love with your best friend who already knows and likes everything about you.” Mary said, her voice raising in volume

“Con: She realizes I’m nothing special and abandons me.” Beatrice all but yelled back.

“Pro: Sex!” Mary shouted.

Beatrice’s mouth dropped open as her mind short-circuited, unable to come up with a good con to snap back with. Mary smirked in victory as Beatrice opened and closed her mouth several times.

She raised her beer in a salute in Beatrice’s direction. “Okay then, now that we’ve got that sorted out and we’ve heard out loud just how ridiculous you are, I’m going to give you a little bit of advice.” Mary leaned forward, trapping Beatrice in her steady gaze. “Stop second guessing everything. You and Ava, you two are absolutely nothing alike, and yet you both have been making the same mistakes for weeks. You are in the same place right now, at this very point in time, struggling with the same doubts and the same questions. The only way to move forward out of this weird limbo is to take the chance and believe that the bond you share with Ava is stronger than you’re making it out to be. Because it is, I can tell you that much.”

Mary downed the rest of her beer, then pushed her chair back and stood up from the table. “Trust me, Beatrice, I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t mean it. But Ava, she’s worth the risk. And so are you.”

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.
(But maybe they weren’t so different after all.)

***

“Has anyone seen Ava?” Beatrice asked her housemates the following morning. Lilith, Camila, Mary, and Shannon (who had slept over last night) were in the kitchen making coffee and eating breakfast before heading over to campus for their last classes of the week, but Ava was nowhere to be found.

“She left not too long ago to go for a run.” Camila answered as she buttered a slice of toast. “She said she wouldn’t be gone too long though. Why?”

Beatrice twisted her hands nervously. “I just really need to talk to her.”

Lilith looked up from where she had been reading notes on her laptop. “Wait, is this finally going to be the talk?”

Mary nodded her head approvingly. “Atta girl. It was the pros and cons list, wasn’t it? Always works.”

Beatrice fought back a smile, but she nodded. “I think it’s time we settle this.”

Camila squealed and threw her arms around Beatrice’s waist, pulling her into a tight hug. “You and Ava are going to make such a cute couple!” She said, while Shannon, who was standing behind Mary with her chin on Mary’s shoulder, was beaming at Beatrice and mouthed ‘good luck’.

“I’m just gonna go sit outside and wait for Ava to get back.” Beatrice said as she headed for the front room. “Do me a favor and please don’t interrupt us.” She pointed between Mary and Lilith. “I’m talking to you two, specifically.”

“Aww but where’s the fun in that?” Lilith called after her while Mary just laughed loudly. “We leave for school in 30 minutes, try to keep things PG!”

Beatrice grabbed a blanket from the front room before she walked outside, taking a seat at the top steps of the porch. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, grateful for its warmth, and spent the next few minutes trying to quell the butterflies in her stomach.

She wasn’t sure what exactly she was going to say yet, but she just knew that she had to say something. The silence between her and Ava had been going on for far too long, and Beatrice missed her. She missed Ava so much it hurt. She missed Ava’s smile and Ava’s voice and Ava’s constant presence. She even missed all of Ava’s dumb jokes. Beatrice didn’t know if Ava was going to be receptive to what she ended up saying, but Beatrice had to try. Like Mary said, Ava was worth the risk.

She was always worth the risk.

Soft footsteps alerted Beatrice to Ava’s arrival, as the smaller girl jogged down the sidewalk. Her hair was tied back and there was sweat beaded on her forehead and her breath was fogging up around her in the chilly October air, and Beatrice didn’t think Ava could look more beautiful if she tried.

Beatrice got to her feet as Ava approached, the blanket dropping from her shoulder onto the porch. Beatrice studied Ava’s face and her posture, and she could tell Ava was nervous, maybe just as nervous as Beatrice was in this moment. And Beatrice was struck again by just how much she had missed Ava lately.

“Bea, hi.”

“Hey.” Beatrice cleared her throat. “Camila said you left early, so I was waiting for you to get back.”

“Yeah, I was just out trying to clear my head and catch some fog, but I mist.” Beatrice smiled in spite of herself. Leave it to Ava to try to make light of a heavy situation.

“Well, you can try again tomorrow, should be a breeze.” Beatrice flinched at the automatic response. She was already getting sidetracked by Ava’s careful charm and deflection.

“I’ll be sure to dew that.”

“I think we need to talk.” Beatrice said quickly, before they could take their pun game any further.

Ava scratched absently at the back of her neck; her nervous energy very apparent. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” (Beatrice is usually always right).

“Look, Ava,” Beatrice began, and once she started, she found she couldn’t stop. All of the frustration she had been feeling over the last few weeks just came pouring out at once. She didn’t mean to sound so angry (but she was angry. This whole situation was enough to drive anyone crazy).

“I don’t know what is going on with you anymore. I’ve been racking my brain for days trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I said that upset you, and the only thing I can figure is that I made you uncomfortable the other night. And if that’s it, and I crossed a boundary with you, then I just need you to know how sorry I am. I never meant to make things weird between us and this just isn’t worth losing you over, because you’re the most important thing in this world to me. And you avoiding me? That’s been killing me. It’s killing me that you won’t talk to me and it’s killing me that you’re upset, and I just want to make things better. I miss you. And I miss us. And I – I really need my best friend back.”

She had more to say. She had plenty more to say. But suddenly Ava’s lips were on hers and nothing else really mattered after that.

Wow. Oh wow. Beatrice had thought about what it would be like to kiss Ava plenty of times in the past, but this, the real thing, was far better than any manifestation her brain could ever come up with.

Ava was soft, she was so soft. And gentle. Her hands were warm as they cupped the sides of Beatrice’s face and Ava’s lipped moved against her at a slow, relaxed pace, as if they knew that they had all the time in the world to familiarize their mouths with each other. Beatrice’s hands naturally found their place on Ava’s waist and Beatrice stopped thinking entirely as she let herself get lost in the feel of Ava pressed against her, kissing her like they were always meant to. Because Beatrice knew now, without a doubt in her mind, that this was the real thing. They were Beatrice and Ava. Ava and Beatrice. They always worked better together than they did apart. And this, this kiss, was just further proof of that. Ava tasted like water and sunshine and all of Beatrice’s favorite things wrapped into one. Ava tasted very much like a promise. Ava tasted very much like coming home.

Beatrice wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, gently pressed together and, for the first time in weeks, perfectly in sync with each other, before Ava drew away from Beatrice again. Their foreheads pressed together, rapid breaths billowing in between them. Beatrice almost didn’t want to open her eyes, in case everything disappeared, just like that. But she did, and found Ava already staring at her.

“I’m not mad at you, Bea.” Ava whispered, her eyes frantically searching Beatrice’s and her fingers still warm where they stroked against Beatrice’s cheeks. “I was never mad at you. The thing is, I’m kind of crazy in love with you and that scares the shit out of me. I’m so sorry it took me so long to figure this out.”

Beatrice stared at Ava, trying to wrap her words around her brain in a way that would make them make sense. I’m kind of crazy in love with you. Beatrice briefly registered Ava’s hands as they dropped away from her face, and was momentarily upset by the loss of contact, but so many words were bouncing around in Beatrice’s head that she felt disoriented.

(“This thing between you and Ava? It’s real. It’s as real as anything can be.”)

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(“I’m kind of crazy in love with you.”)

It was too much. It was all too much. This whole time, and Ava loved her too.

Ava loved her too.

“Well, it’s about fucking time!” Beatrice cried, throwing her hands into the air in exasperation, not even noticing the poor language she had uncharacteristically chosen to use. Ava loved her, too. “Do you have any idea how long I’ve been waiting for you say that? God Ava. I don’t know how much more obvious I could’ve made it that I had feelings for you! Like I seriously can’t believe it took you this long to notice. All I’ve done for the last two years is flirt with you and only you, and yet you were so oblivious to it all. I thought I was going crazy because there were so many times where it seemed like maybe you liked me, too. And Mary and Camila and Lilith all kept saying to just give you time and that you’d come around eventually. But it was getting really hard to wait for that eventually, let me tell you Ava—”

(“This thing between you and Ava? It’s real. It’s as real as anything can be.”)

(“How does she look at me?”)

(“Like you’re everything.”)

(“I’m kind of crazy in love with you.”)

“Wait, wait, wait.” Ava was staring at Beatrice with her mouth hanging open, trying to process Beatrice’s latest outburst. “So, what you’re saying is –”

Beatrice laughed and wrapped her arms around Ava’s neck. “I’m in love with you too, you idiot.”

And when Beatrice kissed Ava again, it was all fire.

Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(Completely, fully, effortlessly in love.)

***

Beatrice had once thought that being Ava’s best friend was pretty great. However, being Ava’s girlfriend? That was a whole other level of greatness. Being in love with Ava and Ava loving her back? Nothing else could ever compare.

Things changed between them pretty quickly after they finally admitted their feelings for each other. For one, now that everything was out in the open, there was no more hesitancies or weirdness or awkward periods of avoidance between them. They were able to laugh at their past behavior and revel in the newfound feelings of togetherness. Two, it was just like Mary had said it could be; Beatrice was falling in love with her best friend who already knew everything about her.

Ava was everything; Beatrice already knew that. But now she could tell Ava so and kiss her right after, and Ava would say the sweetest words back, just so that she could watch the way Beatrice’s eyes would light up in response. It was easy, going from friends to girlfriends. It was so easy (and it’s safe to say that Beatrice was in love).

(Mary was also right about sex being a definite gamechanger because, well, Beatrice wasn’t going to go into detail, but it was pretty damn good, okay? You’ll just have to take her word for it.)

Beatrice had a lot of good things going for her; it was just a fact of her life. She was great at reading maps and giving immaculate directions, she was a mastermind when it came to crossword puzzles and could parallel park like a champ (with no disrespect to Lilith or Camila…), she was excelling in her education and was on track for a great career in international relations once she graduated, and she had found a wonderful family and home with her Sister Warriors. Beatrice had so many good things going for her.

But her relationship with Ava was by far the best.

Ava may have been a cloud of chaos and confusion and absolute destruction, but Beatrice wouldn’t have traded her storm for anything else in the world. Because even amongst all of the mysteries and the inconsistencies and the challenges Beatrice has had to face, Ava was always her certain thing.

Truth One: Ava Silva destroys everything she touches.
(But when it came to Beatrice, it was only in the best ways possible.)

Truth Two: Ava Silva was everything Beatrice wasn’t.
(And yet they seemed to complement each other perfectly.)

And Truth Three: Beatrice was, without a doubt, in love with Ava Silva.
(And the best part was, Ava was in love with Beatrice, too.)

Fin.