Work Text:
“We never talked. About Leandra. How are you?”
Oh, good. Hawke had been waiting for this conversation. He groaned internally before answering. Even though he knew it was coming, that wasn’t going to make this any less painful.
“I’m smiling. That’s enough for most people,” Hawke answered, not wanting to have this conversation right now. Or ever.
“It’s not enough for me,” Aveline commented, “I knew her too, you know.”
Hawke sighed. He knew. Actually, Aveline was kind of like a sister to him. A sister with a huge stick up her ass, but a sister nonetheless. He had known her the longest, travelled to Kirkwall with her. She had been there for him when Bethany died. Carver too.
“It’s... hard,” Hawke said finally, looking away. Aveline nodded, coming around to the other side of her desk and leaning against the wood, patting the space next to her gently. Hawke took his place next to her, leaning on the desk as well.
“I know,” Aveline gently patted his back, “She was kind of like a mother to me, too. I always loved her pies.”
“She gave you the good ones,” Hawke said accusingly. He was playing with the fabric of his robes. Aveline chuckled.
“Really. She made me eat the burnt ones, telling me I shouldn’t let them go to waste,” Hawke insisted.
“It wouldn’t do to give a guest a bad pie, would it?” Aveline mused, “I’d like to think my mother was like her.”
“You know she thought of you as her own daughter, right?” Hawke asked, rocking forward a bit. Aveline glanced over at him. “She was always excited for you to come have dinner with us. She was always asking me how you were doing after you became guard-captain, too. She was proud of you.”
“And I thought of her as sort of a mother,” Aveline was smiling faintly.
“Well, she knew you the longest, and there was those few months you stayed with us at Gamlen’s...”
Aveline shuttered, “I don’t want to think about those days. That was a low in my life.”
“You and me both,” Hawke agreed with amusement, “Remember how me and Carver had to share a bed?”
”And the three of us shared a room,” Aveline added.
”And you woke up at the ass-crack of dawn to do your guard training and always woke Carver and I up,” Hawke laughed.
“Well, look where it got me,” Aveline smiled.
They sat together in companionable silence for a while. It was nice, talking to someone who understood. Sure, the rest of his friends had tried, but none of them ever really got to know his mother other than Aveline. None of them really understood what it was like to lose her. It was like they were walking on eggshells around him, like they were afraid he’d break down at any second. Or they were afraid he wasn’t sad at all.
Plus, Hawke had been so tired lately. The weight of his mothers murder weighed him down, making it hard to sleep. When he did sleep, he had nightmares. He was sluggish, and often had a headache.
“Can I ask,” Hawke started, “Did you cry? When you found out?”
Aveline was silent for a while. Hawke wasn’t sure if he should have asked.
“Of course I did, Hawke,” Aveline answered eventually, letting out a long sigh, “I just said she was like a mother to me, didn’t I? Just remember: don’t let other people tell you how to grieve. Take it as slow as you want, Hawke.”
Hawke took solace in that. In the fact that he wasn’t the only one who missed her. He knew she didn’t feel the exact same way he did, only knowing her for a few years, but it helped. Knowing someone else was sad about it, too. Hawke had almost felt like he shouldn’t be sad, or just shouldn’t show it. It helped validate his feelings, though he knew they didn’t need to be validated.
“Thanks, Aveline,” Hawke smiled at her, “You know, you don’t need my mother as an excuse to come over for dinner. You can even bring Donnic if you want. It might be weird, though.”
“It will always be weird there without Leandra, if you’ll pardon my saying so,” at the look Hawke gave her, she added, “Oh, I know what you meant. I was just saying.”
“She was proud of you too, you know,” Aveline added. Hawke didn’t know how to respond to that.
“Really, she was. She might not have told you outright, but she was proud of the man you were able to become. Always helping people despite anything, even sometimes despite the law,” at that she gave him a look, “But I know. She was so proud of you.”
If a few tears escaped Hawke’s eyes, well, that was between him and Aveline.
They stayed like that for a while, chatting about Aveline’s new life with Donnic or Hawke’s complicated relationship with Fenris, or anything else. It was nice to catch up with Aveline, as just two people, and not a (not exactly law-abiding) citizen and the guard captain.
And for a moment, Hawke was okay.