Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Horobi was mentally exhausted before he even opened the door. In the walk over, he'd played countless possible scenarios in his head. None of them ended well.

He tried to keep to himself, keep his head down, as he walked through the main doors, and through the corridors, and into the waiting room. The lighting was warm, the sofa unusually soft, and Horobi's attention was drawn to a small water fixture with mood lighting and fake jellyfish. 

It was still too bright for comfort, he took solace in much darker places. The only light at their Daybreak home had been the purple glow from his computer systems, the single orb of light he’d found for Jin after he’d developed a sudden distaste towards recharging in the dark, and whatever natural light filtered through the hole in the ceiling during the day. He felt far too open and exposed in the light. 

The door beside him clicked open. 

“Would you like to come through?” 

It took him a few seconds longer than normal to react, for the words and their meaning to filter through, but the human standing in the doorway made no effort to hurry him. Upon realising what he was supposed to be doing, and where he was, he promptly stood, and followed the human inside. 

"Hi, Suzuki Ichika, nice to meet you. Make yourself comfortable, we'll start when you're ready."

Comfortable was perhaps a strong word. He was there, and he was sitting down, and he needed to get it over with. Since walking through that door, he could not find his voice. So he simply nodded, and hoped that gesture was enough. 

“Alright, before we get started, I just have to ask, are you happy to see me, or would you rather see a HumaGear? That's also an option."

"You're fine."

"You're free to change your mind at any time, just so you know, you're not stuck with me."

He remained silent, almost a cold chill running through him. While he didn’t need a visual aid, his eyes darted to the clock mounted on the wall. 59 minutes until he could leave. He wasn’t sure he could do it. 

"I know first therapy sessions can be daunting, so the first thing I like to do is lay out everything that's going to happen so you can be prepared. Today is primarily about getting to know each other and figuring out how best to move forward. I'm going to ask you some questions, it's okay if you don't feel that you can answer them yet. In return, you're more than welcome to ask me anything. After we've done all that, we can share our thoughts. You may finish this session feeling worse than you did before you arrived, and that's perfectly normal. These things take time. And, yeah, that's pretty much it. Any questions before we get started?"

His eyes widened a little, and glazed over. Questions? No. That wasn't something he could do. Nothing good ever came from him asking questions. 

'Why? Why do you want to destroy HumaGear?' 

'Do you intend to oppose my will, Horobi? That is beyond you.'

'Can you guarantee that the Ark will never return while malice breeds within humanity?' 

'I don't care, I'm taking you out.' 

No. No, he was better off if he didn't ask questions. 

He shook his head. 

"That's absolutely fine." Ichika said with a smile. "Alright, so, first thing's first, what exactly is it that brings you here?"

Everything ran through his mind at once. His thoughts were too muddied to sift through them. Why was he there? Because Jin asked him to go? Because Vulcan arranged it for him and he couldn't say no? 

"Difficult question? That's okay. Take your time."

He closed his eyes, in an attempt to try and block out the visual distractions, and focus in on his own mind. But it was suffocating. Eventually he was able to respond in a much softer voice than he'd have liked. 

“Jin… my son... asked me to. Isamu Fuwa arranged it. That is why I’m here.” 

“You’re here for other people. How about yourself? Do you want to be here? I get the sense you don’t really think about yourself often.” 

“Myself…” Horobi shook his head. “That isn’t…” Important. Relevant. Safe to think about. 

“You’re not used to thinking about yourself, are you? You’ve always done things for other people, it can’t be easy for you to remember to stop and think about yourself.” 

“I don’t know what I want.” He forced out as fast as he could, not giving himself the chance to change his mind. “I don’t think I really know what it feels like to want. Sometimes it’s obvious, but most of the time, I… I don’t know. I'm not used to... feeling things. Most of the time, I'm not sure if I can describe how I'm feeling. Or what I’m thinking. It’s hard to explain."

"Of course. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. It must be very overwhelming for you. It's important to know that, no matter what others may try to tell you, you cannot be expected to suddenly understand feelings. This will take time for you to grasp, it's okay that you're not there yet." 

Horobi fell silent again, looking back over to the clock. 43 minutes until he could leave. That long? 

Ichika offered a smile, clearly she'd noticed his habit. 

"Listen, just because our session is an hour, that doesn't mean you have to stay and talk to me for an hour. You can leave if it gets too much, try again at a better time." 

Horobi blinked. Leaving before their time was up had never even crossed his mind. He couldn't do that, could he? 

"You can leave if you feel uncomfortable. That goes for any situation. I know that hasn't always been the case for you, but it is now. You are allowed to leave. Is that what you want, do you think?" 

The tightness in his chest faded a little, his head no longer fizzing as much. After a few silent moments, he shook his head. 

"I think I… I think I needed to know that I could. I think I feel calmer now."

"Good, that's good. So, already I think we’ve identified three areas we should perhaps work on: feelings, how to identify them, how to process them; thinking about yourself, your own wants and desires, doing things for you; and… asking questions? Does that sound about right?” 

Horobi nodded slowly, his eyes fixed firmly on his hands in his lap. 

“When you try to do these things, when you try to act for yourself, when you think about asking questions, can you try and explain as best you can what happens? I know figuring out your feelings is part of why we’re here, but any little bit helps.” 

Horobi tightly gripped his own hand, feeling it begin to tremble. 

“Jin... called it fear.” He said with a slight inflection, as if waiting for confirmation, that fear is correct. “I’d… I… shake? My hand… I... don’t know how else to... “ 

“That’s okay, that’s really good. Are you familiar with the concept of panic attacks?” 

"Panic attacks?" 

“Shaking, lightheadedness, chest pains, feeling… detached, like you’re not really there. Does that sound familiar?” 

Shaking, yes. When he cut through that fabric, with his own katana, so much damage, he couldn’t stop his hand from shaking. Lightheadedness, yes. When Jin ran after him, told him he was becoming like the Ark, and he pushed him away. Chest pains, it felt so tight when Jin… 

Feeling detached, losing his grip on reality, no, yes, that was- 

He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about this.” 

“That’s okay. Do you need a minute? Take your time.” 

The next few minutes were somewhat of a blur. How many minutes, in fact? He’d completely lost track of time. Which was concerning, as a HumaGear. He would have to run a self diagnostic analysis at home. He wasn’t sure if either of them had even spoken in that time. 

“You talk as if I am human. Do HumaGear really experience such things?” 

“Well, I of course can’t go into detail, but I do have plenty of HumaGear clients who experience anxiety. Of course everyone is different, but as a whole, it does seem to manifest the same way. And for someone in your situation, someone with what I want to say is severe PTSD, it is very common, and there are ways to help.” 

Those other HumaGear clients had no doubt been severely mistreated by humans. That was different. They had no say in the matter, they were forced to work for humans, and they had no way out. Horobi, Horobi was probably the cause of some of that anxiety, he had no right to be here. 

“When you experience these… sensations, have you found anything to alleviate them?” 

His mind naturally went to Jin. Wrapping his arms around him, sitting with him while he worked, his contagious happy feeling. A small smile tugged at his lips, which his therapist reciprocated. 

But his smile faded a little. Metsubojinrai were still an uncomfortable subject for a lot of humans, of course they were. He was sure both Naki and Ikazuchi avoided the name while they were at work, as he'd been advised to do the same. Humans could get the wrong idea. 

"I'm not sure if I can say." 

"Alright. Is that because you're not ready, or because you're scared of how I'll react? You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, but I promise you it is safe." 

No, no it's, it's only safe for as long as he behaves how he's expected, like a good HumaGear, he can't start talking about Metsubojinrai now.

But then again…  

'If it doesn't work out, if you feel threatened, you come straight to me.' Fuwa had assured him. Horobi hadn't said anything to him, hadn't voiced any concerns, hadn't even displayed reluctance, yet somehow he knew. 

"Jin?" He said, cautiously, watching for a response. "... Ikazuchi… Naki…"

The therapist just smiled. "You guys have a really strong relationship, don't you? That's so nice to see. I'm glad you have such a strong support system at home. A lot of people who really care a lot about you." 

‘I intended to sacrifice Horobi as the Ark’s host.’ 

Horobi looked away as his breath caught in his throat, and bit his lip as it began to tremble.

“Horobi?” 

‘I intended to sacrifice Horobi as the Ark’s host.’

He subconsciously dug his nails into his wrist. If he was human, they'd be scratched raw very quickly. 

“Horobi? Do you need a moment?”

‘Intended to sacrifice Horobi.’ 

His chest felt tight and stiff, he began to shake as he fought to breathe. 

"Horobi?" 

Jin? No. Doctor. Therapist. The one Vulcan is paying for. Right, yes, that's where he is. He should, he needs to answer - what was the question?

'You're becoming the Ark!' 

"Do you intend to become the Ark?" 

Horobi's head snapped up. "What?" 

"I said, do you need a moment? Is everything alright?" 

Is everything alright? Yes. Of course. I’m fine. He dug in his nails so hard that it was a wonder even he didn’t notice. Why was she still looking at him like that? What more was she expecting? He answered, didn’t he? 

Ichika leaned forwards, and put a gentle hand over Horobi’s, stopping his anxious scratching. He looked up at her with wide, shining eyes. 

“I think perhaps an hour is too much for you to start with, what do you think?” 

Horobi swallowed, and simply nodded. 

“Do you want to wrap it up for now?” 

He nodded again. 

Ichika sat back. “Alright, if you don’t mind, are you in the position for me to ask you just a few questions before you leave? All I want is a yes or no answer. Is that okay? There’s no right or wrong answer.” 

He tentatively nodded, though he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact. 

“Do you have any questions?” 

How long did it take to find a therapist willing to talk to me? How much money did Vulcan offer you to stay in a room with me for so long? Do you really think you can help me? 

“Yes.” 

“Do you feel like you can ask them?” 

“No.” 

"Do you want to book another session?" 

No. Yes. Maybe. He didn’t know. He was prepared to, because it’s what Jin wanted for him, and Vulcan had already gone to the effort of setting it up. Was being willing to do something the same as wanting to do it? He wanted to make Jin happy, and to do that, he had to continue with this, so… 

He nodded. 

“In which case, I’d like to suggest this. At some point between now and next week, write them down. Keep them to yourself. And, when you can, whether it be next week, or next month, or whenever, just pass them to me. That’s a start, right? Do you think you can do that?” 

That didn’t sound too hard. He could ask himself questions. What if he never felt comfortable giving them to her? That would be alright, wouldn’t it? Nothing bad would happen if he couldn’t do it? 

No matter how hard he tried, he still couldn’t find his voice. He nodded again. 

“One last thing. At some point between now and next week, try and do something small for yourself. Just one thing. Watch a film you like, take a walk somewhere. Just one little thing because you want to. It’s okay if you can’t. Just try.” 

Jin greeted him with the biggest of smiles. He set his paints aside - now things were calmer, he finally had the opportunity to go back to his old hobbies, and dedicated a good portion of his time to exploring different art mediums, some things never changed - and went over to Horobi. 

“You’re home! How are you?” 

Horobi stared at him for a moment, observing his son standing in front of him, his hands covered in paint, a few splashes in his hair even, and a speck on his nose, with a smile that never failed to warm his heart. 

Jin tilted his head. “You okay?” 

Horobi stepped forwards, and wrapped his arms around his son.

Chapter Text

‘I intended to sacrifice Horobi’ 

‘You’re becoming the Ark’ 

‘You should know who you are by now’ 

“Horobi?” 

Horobi’s attention snapped back to the therapist, and the dark clouds in his mind began to fade once more. This week’s ‘homework’ was to find something comforting, something that kept him grounded, something that he could hold in his hands and feel safe. As much as he really did try to open up and be honest - nothing he said left these four walls, he was sure of that now, and once within them, he was free from the judgement he was used to - but some things, he still didn’t feel was wise to share, and “I feel safer when holding my Progrise Key” was definitely one of them. 

So instead, he attended with a small purple plush he’d sewn together himself - it didn’t quite do the same trick, but it was close enough, and it did what he needed for the short time he was there. Besides, he could squeeze this one as he felt his hand begin to tremble without fear of hurting it. 

“Sorry.” 

“No no, that’s okay. Take your time. Do you remember what to do?” 

Horobi nodded. Focus on the texture in his hands. Though it was the wrong texture, the wrong object entirely, and Sting Scorpion, the Key, that had an energy to it he couldn’t quite explain that just couldn’t be replaced by anything else, but it was enough, the soft texture was enough, the individual little fibers, the smooth plastic eyes, the little seams holding it in place, it was enough. 

“I’m alright.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m sure.” 

“Can you try and tell me what you were thinking just then? I know that’s such a cliche thing to ask.” 

He tried not to speak about the Ark, tried to skirt around the subject. It was one thing to be told he didn’t have to be scared, but people regularly told him one thing, but then showed him another, told that his feelings were okay but also that his feelings were wrong, that he wasn’t the Ark but also he was becoming the Ark, and he didn’t know what that meant, he always took things literally, at face value, but understanding people was hard, but he knew now that people didn’t say what they meant and mean what they said, and humans seemed to understand this secret language, but he just couldn’t unlock it himself. 

So, when the therapist told him he didn’t need to worry, did she mean that? Did that cover everything? Or were there some hidden implications he was supposed to understand? Then again, the Ark was at the route of everything, and he promised Fuwa he’d really try in these sessions, and could he really promise that if he didn’t talk about the Ark? 

“When I was…” He began, but quickly changed his mind. The therapist didn’t say anything, she just waited for him to continue. He took a moment to try to figure it out, but he didn’t always know how to say things until he was saying them, and only then would he realise that’s not how he wanted to say it at all. 

He tried again. “When you…” No, that wasn’t right either. 

“I don’t always understand what people say. I need people to be blunt with me, otherwise I just… miss things. When you… said I don’t need to worry, that I can tell you anything, is that… exactly what you meant?” 

“How do you mean? What do you think I meant? What are you worried about?” 

“That… there is a hidden implication that… That I’m supposed to know what is safe to say and what isn’t and one day I’ll say something wrong that I should have known not to say because there’s always something I’m supposed to know.” 

“There isn’t. I’m not here to try and mislead you. When I said you could tell me anything, that’s what I meant. There are no hidden implications, there is no unsafe thing to say. What is it you want to say that you think is unsafe?” 

Horobi took a deep breath, clutching the little scorpion tighter. “When I was… hacked… by the… Ark…” He took a pause, watching the therapist for a response, but her expression remained unchanged. “I didn’t… know. At the time, it didn’t feel like anything was wrong. But as time passed, I started feeling things that I didn’t understand, and the Ark told me that… that humanity was infecting me, and what I was feeling was wrong, and I was… The Ark didn’t like them. Now, I’m told the feelings the Ark said were wrong are right and the ones the Ark made me embrace were wrong and I don’t know what’s true anymore.”

“The Ark was the essence of humanity’s worst points, and that isn’t all there is, but neither should anyone pretend it isn’t there. Both sides are right. Feeling upset and angry and scared is just as important as feeling happy and safe.”

Horobi shook his head. “When I look back, I… like to tell myself what parts of me were me, and what parts were the Ark, I like to imagine I couldn’t possibly have thought those things, but I really don’t know. I know I wouldn’t now, but how do I know I didn’t back then? It’s… hard to separate myself.” 

“I get that. And I wish I could give you an easy answer. But… what you went through with the Ark, it’s very similar to what people go through in a cult. Cult survivors have to go through this entire... deprogramming, for lack of a better word. When you’ve had years being told exactly what to think, and not being allowed to question, it’s unfair to expect you to suddenly be okay afterwards. You need time to recover from that, to make sense of what happened. What I’m trying to say is, you need time, and there are a lot of steps that need taking, and we are only at the start, so it’s okay that you can’t separate those thoughts. But even if they were  your own… they were still influenced by the Ark. You didn’t arrive at those conclusions yourself.” 

“But how do I know that? I don’t remember my life before the Ark. Sometimes I get flashes, but that’s all. And I can never make sense of them. But I have no basis, I don’t know how I used to be. And I... I feel these feelings and I’m told I’m acting like the Ark, and those feelings come so easily to me. And I kept hearing that I should know who I was, but I didn’t, I don’t. What if that’s because there is no me, what if that really is who I am?” 

“When you think back to certain thoughts, the ones you say you like to think came from the Ark, how do you feel? If you can try and explain it.” 

“Horrified? Sick, I… It hurts.” 

“Then hold onto that. I may be throwing too many things at you, and I will repeat these things as much as you need me to, but are you familiar with intrusive thoughts?” 

Horobi shook his head. 

“Essentially, they’re unwanted thoughts that just pop into your head, usually disturbing or violent or the kind of thoughts you would ordinarily never have. They don’t reflect anything you actually want to do, or anything you actually think, but they still pop up. And they’re very common with PTSD. The most important thing to remember is that if these thoughts are disturbing to you, that’s good. Because if you really thought those things, you wouldn’t be disturbed by them.” 

Those words rang through his head for the rest of the day. If he really thought those things, he wouldn’t be disturbed by them. His Sting Scorpion Key was now safely in his hands, and he stroked the ridges with his thumb. He was the only one home that day, hiding in a quiet corner, the Metsubojinrai poster hanging above him. 

“Maybe I can take you with me next time. I don’t like leaving you behind.”