Work Text:
“That should do it!”
Sonic the Hedgehog set down his basting brush on the kitchen counter and placed his gloved hands against his hips, admiring his handiwork: a whole duck resting on a large tray on the stovetop.
“You did good, Sonic!” His younger adoptive brother, Miles “Tails” Prower, fluttered his twin namesakes as he stood by his side, lowering his nose down to the nearly completed dish and giving it a good whiff. “You followed my recipe to a tee!”
“Well hey, I learn from the best!” The blue hedgehog rustled the orange fox’s hair. “Where’d ya learn this recipe, anyway?”
“Well…” Tails looked away while fidgeting his fingers. “…let’s just say I learned it a long time ago…an old family recipe!” The orange kitsune raised a finger to the air as his nervousness evaporated, replaced with a smile and closed eyes.
“Huh.” Sonic grabbed the hot tray with cooking mitts and placed the duck back in the oven. “Not to open a sore subject, but when would you’ve learned a recipe from your family?” Tails rubbed the back of his head as sweat began to roll down his forehead.
“Ummm…” Tails looked out the window until he figured out how to respond to his older brother’s skepticism. “…it’s a…traditional…fox recipe! Yeah, I found it online.”
“Ahh.” Sonic chuckled while removing his oven mitts. “That makes sense.”
“Phew…” Tails wiped the sweat from his brow as he turned his attention back to the blue hedgehog.
“You sure you don’t wanna join us, Tails?” Sonic looked over at the orange kitsune, who met his gaze.
“I would, Sonic, but I have a substantial back-log of projects I’m working on.” Tails pulled out his yellow portable tablet computer, dubbed the Miles Electric, and used a gloved finger to toggle through a list of tasks. “First I gotta fix up the Tornado, which got banged up pretty good after our last skirmish with Dr. Eggman. Then I need to clean the workshop, pick up some parts from the hardware store, fix up Amy’s broken television, teach Knuckles how to program his VCR, discuss our minuscule place in the universe with Big the Cat...”
“All right, I get it.” Sonic cracked a nervous smile as he shoved his hands out in front of him. “We’ll just save some leftovers for ya.”
“Sounds good!” Tails gave his older brother a thumbs up, emulating his signature gesture. “You know how much I like roast duck.”
“That I do!” Sonic gave the young kitsune a warm smile, which Tails returned in-kind.
“By the way,” Tails began, itching his furry chin, “why did you invite Shadow over for lunch? He’s not usually the social type.”
“Yeah, I know,” Sonic ran a gloved hand through his blue quills, “but he’s been workin’ with the good guys quite a bit lately, so I figured it’d be nice to get to know him better. Promote ‘team cohesion’ and whatnot. I learned ‘bout it on TV!”
“Heh, I suppose.” Tails chuckled as he approached the oven door, bending his legs so he could see through the small window. “Just keep it in there for another few minutes, and it should be good to go!”
“Sounds great! Thanks for the help, Tails!”
“Always happy to assist, Sonic! I should be getting back to my projects now.”
Sonic waved as Tails left the kitchen. Instead of making his way back to the adjoining workshop, however, he climbed the stairs and entered his bedroom. Locking the door behind him, the fox stepped into his walk-in closet and pulled out a secret chest that sported a combination of mechanical and digital locking mechanisms. After using its built-in eye scanner, hand scanner, keyboard for his 39-key passphrase, and a small, metal key he carried in his utility belt, the fox slowly opened the chest to reveal neatly arranged items.
“That was a close one.” Tails sighed as he wiped his brow once more before setting his roast duck recipe in the corner of the chest next to unused napalm bombs, several bags of mints, and various kukku bones and feathers. Locking the chest before pushing it back against the wall, the orange fox lifted himself up and put his hands to his waist, a crooked smile on his face as his eyelids made a nervous twitch.
“Nobody will ever learn my secret.”
As Tails headed to his workshop, Sonic was making final preparations for the lunch ahead. The blue hedgehog dragged the table, which the brotherly duo usually kept in the kitchen, to the living room for additional space. He then placed two chairs on either side of the table and laid out a plate, napkin, cup, and set of utensils for each hedgehog. Finally, Sonic lit the candle at the center of the table. Placing his hands against his hips in satisfaction, the blue hedgehog admired his handiwork before sniffing the air.
"Is that smoke?" He whiffed the air some more before looking back down at the table. "Nah, it's just the candle." Lowering his black nose to the small flame, he took another sniff. "Ahh, mint scented. Tails sure has good taste!"
His monologuing was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.
Dingdong!
"Oooh, Shadow's here!" Breathing into the palm of his hand and sniffing it, he popped a mint he had stolen from Tails’ secret stash into his mouth and opened the door. Shadow the Hedgehog stood in the entryway, his ebony arms folded as he stared intently at the blue hedgehog in front of him.
"Well I made it, despite your directions," Shadow scoffed under his breath.
"Ah, Shadow my man, what’s up?" Sonic was clearly nervous, the pitch of his voice fluctuating as he ran a hand through his quills. "I hope you're ready for a way past cool luncheon!"
"Whatever…" Shadow stepped into the abode, hardly acknowledging the blue hedgehog’s presence as he proceeded to the nearest chair at the table. Looking over at the ebony hedgehog, Sonic wiped his brow.
Why am I so nervous? It's not like I'm tryin' to impress him…
Approaching Shadow from the side, Sonic cleared his throat.
"So, you want any refreshments? We have some red wine? Champagne?"
"Apple juice." Shadow looked up at the blue hedgehog with a resting frown.
"...apple juice?" Sonic was visibly confused.
"Did I stutter?" Shadow's stare remained unchanged.
"No, no," Sonic shook his head, putting on a fake smile. "Apple juice, comin' up!" The blue hedgehog stepped into the kitchen and nearly jumped out of his sneakers as he discovered smoke billowing from the oven.
“Oh no!” Sonic rushed to the oven door, bending down to look through the window. He fanned the smoke with his arms until he could make out the charred remains of the duck within. “My roast is ruined!” The blue hedgehog looked up at the temperature gauge, which read 500 degrees. “Darn it! The recipe only called for 350 degrees.” Looking to the timer sitting on the counter, he read large, red numbers showing that the duck had been in the oven for 10 minutes and 28 seconds too long. “And I didn’t hear the timer go off! Man, things are really startin’ off bad.”
“Hey, where’s my apple juice!” Shadow yelled, sounding even grumpier than usual.
“Oh, ummm…be right there, Shads!” Looking around frantically, Sonic racked his brain to determine a suitable alternative to duck. Rubbing his forehead, an idea popped into his mind.
“But what if…” the blue hedgehog stood still while itching his chin, “…I purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?”
“Ho ho ho.” Sonic laughed in a low voice. “Delightfully devilish, Sonic…now this is happenin’!” The blue hedgehog pulled open the kitchen window and lifted his legs out. As he was about halfway across, however, Shadow burst through the kitchen door.
“If you don’t get me my apple juice, I’m gonna…” Shadow stood frozen as he stared at the half-departed blue hedgehog on the windowsill.
Musical Intermission
♫ So-onic ‘n his rad explanations ♫
♫ Shadow’s damn emerald’s no sub for medication ♫
♫ When he hears Sonic’s mondo-lame exaggerations ♫
♫ Shadow’ll burn down the town tonight! ♫
“Soooooniiiiiic!” came a loud, high-pitched, feminine voice from outside.
The blue hedgehog turned his gaze from the angry ebony hedgehog at the kitchen door to the grass below the window. He found Amy Rose calling out to him from outside.
“The view’s pretty nice from down here.” The pink hedgehog giggled as Sonic’s muzzle turned red, partially exposed to the lady below.
“Amy! What are you doin’ here?” Sonic used his gloved hands to maintain his balance on the windowsill.
“Ohhh, just keeping an eye on you. How else do you think I spend my time?” She smiled brightly with hands clasped as she stared longingly up at him.
“Not a good time, Amy. I’m kind of in the middle of somethin’.”
“But you always say that, Sonic!” Amy’s smile turned to a scowl as she puffed out her cheeks, looking up at Sonic with arms crossed.
“Just what is going on here?”
Sonic turned his face to find Shadow watching him from the kitchen door, his gloved finger tapping the side of his arm impatiently.
“Ohh, uhh, Shadow! I was just…uhhh…stretchin’ my calves on the windowsill!” The blue hedgehog planted his right foot on the tile floor as he stretched his left leg along the sill. “I think Tails called this ‘isometric exercise’ or somethin’.” He made air quotes with his fingers as his left foot wiggled against the far side of the windowsill. “Wanna join me?”
“No. That looks absolutely ridiculous.” Shadow scoffed once more as he closed his eyes and turned his head away condescendingly. “Look at you, faker. You’re supposed to be my biggest adversary? Ha! What a joke.” The ebony hedgehog turned his face back to Sonic and opened his eyes. “You have my apple juice or what?”
“Oh…yeah, I got it.” Turning his body so that his feet were fully back in the kitchen, Sonic approached the refrigerator and rummaged around. “Aha!” He reached in and grabbed a small juice box. “Here, catch!” The blue hedgehog tossed the box over to Shadow, who caught it with a single gloved hand.
Grunting in lieu of a proper thank you, Shadow fumbled for the disposable straw strapped against the back of the juice box. Ripping the plastic covering open with his mouth, he spat it out before jabbing the box with the sharp end of the straw and inserting the other end into his mouth, drinking in silence as he stared back at the blue hedgehog.
“Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, faker?” Shadow gulped the beverage down as the box started crunching in upon itself.
Sonic stared at the oven, observing the smoke still filling the kitchen as he ran a hand through his quills, trying to come up with another lame explanation.
“Ohh, oh! That isn’t smoke.” Sonic turned toward the ebony hedgehog, who eyed him intently. “It’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having.” The blue hedgehog rubbed his belly with a gloved hand as he cracked a fake smile. “Mmmmm. Steamed clams!”
“Whatever.” Sucking the last bit of juice out of the box, Shadow crushed it in his palm and threw it over his shoulder as he went back to the living room, sitting down at his spot at the table.
“Whew…” Sonic wiped the sweat from his brow once more before turning back to the open window. He jumped out and landed on the grass below. “All right…if I run quickly, I should be back in only a few minutes.” As he was charging a spindash, however, Amy stepped in front of him.
“Okay Sonic, you owe me an explan…woooahhh!” Sonic dove right into the pink hedgehog, unaware that she was blocking his path until it was too late. Flying several meters away from the house, they eventually landed in a hedgehog heap not far away.
Amy looked up at Sonic, who was on top of her. Sonic pushed his arms against the grass next to both sides of her torso while he collected his bearings. Staring up at him, she blushed as she looked away.
“My my, Sonic…this is romantic, isn’t it?”
“Huh?” The blue hedgehog’s own face turned a deep shade of crimson as he reeled back before tucking himself into a ball and rolling around at the speed of sound. After a few laps around Amy, who was still lying in the grass, Sonic skidded to a stop, gagging profusely.
“What’s wrong, Sonic?” Amy pulled herself up and stared at the blue hedgehog, who had since regained his composure.
“No time to talk, Ames.” Sonic looked off into the distance at a group of tall buildings clustered together on the horizon. “Gotta get to Station Square on the double.” As he was about to launch himself away, though, Amy grabbed hold of his hand.
“Not without me you’re not!” The blue hedgehog looked back at the determined pink hedgehog, grinding his teeth as he thought of a way to get her off his back. An idea popped into his head a few moments later.
“Ya know, Ames,” Sonic loosened his arm as he allowed his eyelids to seductively close halfway. “I really admire your strength. I find it attractive.”
“You do, Sonic?” Amy pulled her hand away as her eyes began to glisten and her muzzle blushed red once more.
“Of course! What lucky guy wouldn’t be fallin’ head over sneakers for ya?” A smirk grew on Sonic’s face as the pink hedgehog swooned, pulling her Piko Piko Hammer from out of nowhere to help maintain her balance.
“And the way you swing your hammer makes my heart beat a million times a minute!” Amy loosened her grip on her hammer as her legs wobbled. “And ya know what? I can make some time ‘ta take ya on that date…under one condition.” Sonic wagged a single finger near the pink hedgehog’s face.
“…yeah?” Amy was in a total daze, her face red as she longingly stared at her self-proclaimed boyfriend.
“Just leave me alone right now, and I’ll do whatever ya want later. Got it?”
“…uhhh, yeah.” Amy struggled to say.
“All right, gotta go, bye!” The blue hedgehog planted a swift kiss against Amy’s forehead before speeding off toward the big city.
“Awwww…” Amy clasped her hands together as she collapsed on the ground in pure satisfaction. What she didn’t know what that Sonic was spitting as he ran away, licking his tongue against the palm of his hand to get the cooties out of his mouth.
It only took Sonic a few minutes to arrive within the city limits of Station Square, speeding down the highway and dodging around cars before jumping off an interstate bridge and landing feet-first in front of his destination.
“Ahh, good ol’ Meh Burger.” The blue hedgehog stepped inside, his sneakers sticking against the dirty floor of the fast food establishment. Thankfully, nobody was in line, so he made his way to the front.
“Welcome to Meh Burger, may I take your order?” said the teenaged employee on the other side of the counter in a monotone, squeaky voice. Wearing a nametag which simply read “Dave”, the blue nutria sported swooshy fringe bangs, a tropical shirt, and thick braces covering his single buck tooth. His face was apathy incarnate.
“I’d like two dozen Meh Burgers and five large fries.”
“Will that…uhhhh…complete your order?” Dave appeared dazed.
Nodding his head, Sonic paid for the food and waited near the soda dispenser. Tapping his foot impatiently while staring into his wristwatch, he gave a sigh of relief when his name was called by the same worker a minute later.
“Thank you for choosing Meh—” Dave was cut-off as Sonic grabbed the two large, grease-covered paper bags from his hands and sped out of the fast food establishment.
Dave sighed. “Man, I hate my job.”
Taking only another few minutes to navigate out of Station Square and back to the outskirts of the Mystic Ruins, the blue hedgehog sped past the sleeping pink hedgehog and dove into the kitchen through the open window. Finding a large, circular gray plate in the pantry, he poured out the contents of the fast food bags and rapidly unwrapped each burger, forming them into a pyramid in the center of the plate. For added measure, Sonic created a French fry moat around the burger castle and drizzled them with ketchup and mustard. Indeed, only a well-built trebuchet could penetrate the iron-clad, artery-clogging defenses of Sonic’s burger castle.
Taking a few steps back, Sonic put his salty hands against his hips as he admired his handiwork. Sighing in relief that his plan may just work after all, he grabbed the plate with both hands and carefully pushed himself through the kitchen door with his shoulder. Shadow was still at the table, flipping through edgy DeviantArt pictures on his smartphone.
“Yo Shads! I hope you’re ready for some mouthwaterin’ hamburgers!”
Shadow didn’t look up from his phone as he swiped left to reveal more cringey goodness. “I thought we were having steamed clams.” Shadow’s voice was monotone and uninterested, and he paid no attention to the oversized plate placed in the middle of the table. He reached his arm out at the last second, however, just as the mint-flavored candle was about to tip over from the oversized dish.
“Heh, your clumsy ass isn’t even good enough to be my fake, faker.” Placing the wick against his lips, the ebony hedgehog extinguished the flame and threw the candle over his shoulder.
I’ll just go ahead and ignore that.
“No, no, Shads!” Sonic said, returning to Shadow’s food question. “I said steamed hams. Now that’s what I call hamburgers!” Looking up from his phone, Shadow gave the blue hedgehog a menacing glare.
“You call hamburgers ‘steamed hams’?”
“Ummm, of course, Shadow! Who wouldn’t call ‘em that? At least that’s what we called ‘em back home.” Amused by the debate, Shadow placed his cell phone in his black quills and folded his arms across his chest.
“Uh-huh…where was that?” Sweat rolled down Sonic’s forehead as the stress from the barrage of skeptical questions weighed down on him; this type of heavy thinking was better left for Tails.
“South Island, of course!”
“Really?” Shadow scoffed as he grabbed a French fry, spinning the salty, deep fried potato slice between his gloved fingers. “Well, I was stationed at Spring Yard Zone, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase steamed hams.”
“Oh, ummm…” Sonic raised a finger to his chin. “That’s because it’s more of a Green Hills expression.” Cracking a fake smile, the blue hedgehog nervously peered down at the expressionless face of his guest before taking a seat. Grimacing at the host once more, Shadow grabbed a burger from the center of the plate and removed the top bun, eyeing the patty before looking back up at Sonic. The blue hedgehog managed a few bites before Shadow continued his line of questioning
“You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Meh Burger.”
“Whaaat?” Sonic replied with pseudo-skepticism in his voice. “That can’t be right! These are my one n’ only, grade A, fresh from the vine, organic, gluten-free, responsibly-sourced, patented SonicBurgers™! They’re an oooool’ family recipe!”
Shadow wasn’t amused.
“…for steamed hams?”
Maintaining a self-assured persona, Sonic straightened his back against the chair as he prepared a confident reply. “Yes!”
“Yes, and you call them ‘steamed hams’ despite the fact that they’re obviously grilled.” Shadow extended the burger patty toward the blue hedgehog. Sonic gasped as he realized his fatal error: the burger patty in question had black grill marks on it, proving definitively that the hams were not steamed, but, rather, as Shadow deduced, grilled.
Oh man, I’m in quite the pickle, aren’t I?
“Yes, well…you know...the…” Sonic’s voice was unintelligible as he pulled at a non-existent collar around his neck. “…one thing I should…” The blue hedgehog paused before dropping his own SonicBurger™ on his plate. “…‘cuse me for a sec.”
“Of course.” Shadow reassembled his burger and took a bite as Sonic stepped back into the kitchen.
Oh no!
The blue hedgehog was met with a fiery blaze that engulfed the entirety of the kitchen. Coughing profusely, he could barely make out the oven which served as the source of the flames.
Damn it all! I left the oven on!
Running around in circles, he skidded to a stop before making his determination.
Okay…first I’ll get Shadow outta here, and then I’ll deal with the fire.
At about the same time Sonic was about to return to the dining room, Tails was working on adjustments to the Tornado 2 in the workshop. Pulling himself out from under the aircraft, the orange kitsune took a whiff of the air. Still lying on the wheeled creeper, his pupils constricted as a look of horror covered his face.
“No! Not again!” The young fox curled into a ball, covering himself with his namesakes as black-and-white flashbacks of his war against the Battle Kukku Empire flashed before his eyes. He covered his ears to try to block out the sounds of exploding napalm and the cries of kukkus melting before his feet.
“They won’t take me alive! Ahhhhhhh!” Tails shot up and sprinted out of the workshop, flailing his arms as he ran in circles in the front yard. After a few minutes, the young fox managed to collect himself before noticing the black smoke billowing from the open kitchen window. He shook his head and slapped his face to make sure he wasn’t still in a Kukku War flashback.
“A fire?” Tails flew through the open window just as Sonic reentered the dining room.
The blue hedgehog produced a fake yawn with outstretched arms as he casually speed-walked back into the dining room. “Now that was a feast fit for a hedgehog! A good time was had by all. I’m pooped!” He placed his hands behind his back while sweat rolled down his face, hoping that the visitor wouldn’t overstay his welcome.
“Yes, I should be…” Shadow was standing up and preparing to head for the door when he noticed black smoke seeping between the kitchen door and its frame. “Black Doom, what is happening in there!?” Shadow pointed to the kitchen with a look of shock on his face.
“Aurora borealis,” Sonic replied without skipping a beat.
“Aurora borealis?!” A vein appeared on Shadow’s forehead as he became visibly angry, his arms shaking with clenched fists. “At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?”
“Yes!” Sonic maintained a bright smile, even seeming to fool the Ultimate Lifeform himself.
“Hmmm…” Shadow crossed his arms and looked down in thought before peering back up at the blue hedgehog. “May I see it?”
Sonic hesitated, appearing to think it over. “No,” he replied with a stern voice. Shadow shrugged as he nonchalantly headed to the front door.
As the two hedgehogs walked outside, Sonic could hear Tails screaming from the kitchen.
“Sonic! The house is on fire!” The orange fox waved his arms out the window in the hopes of getting his older brother’s attention.
“Nah, Tails! It’s just the northern lights. Don’t worry ‘bout it!” Sonic brushed his arms toward the window as if to dismiss the young kitsune’s obvious concern.
“Screw this!” Tails yelled, flying out of the window and back to the workshop.
“Well, faker,” Shadow began, turning around to face Sonic once more, “you’re an odd hedgehog, but I must say,” Shadow cracked a small smile, uncharacteristic for the usually brooding lifeform, “you steam a good ham.”
“Help! Heeeeelp!” Tails shouted at nobody in particular, panicking within his workshop as his flashbacks kicked back in. The blue hedgehog ignored him, instead giving the ebony hedgehog a thumbs up with a fake smile. Turning around, Shadow left the yard, gliding away on his specially designed hover shoes.
Just as the guest left the vicinity, a firetruck roared out of the workshop, an irate Tails at the helm. The young fox parked it near the front door, connected a tube to the nearby fire hydrant, and aimed the nozzle at the house.
“Go invade someone else’s island, kukkus! Ahhhhhh!” Tails sprayed down the house as if he were mercilessly taking out a horde of invading ducks. Sonic’s jaw dropped as he witnessed the anger in his little brother’s face; the young kitsune’s teeth gritted as he adjusted the nozzle settings, spurts of water shooting out as he aimed it with both hands like a Gatling gun. “Ahhhhhhhhhh!” He noticed Sonic staring blankly at him as he was filling the imaginary ducks with liquid lead.
“Sonic? What are you standing around for!” Tails growled at his older brother as he continued dousing the flames.
“Oh, right!” The blue hedgehog furrowed his brow as he leapt into action; he ran circles around the abode at an immense speed, blowing enough wind into the house to put out the flames. Anything less would’ve only further fueled the fire.
Skidding to a stop next to Tails, Sonic dusted off his hands before folding his arms, looking up at the charred house before them.
“All in a day’s work, right little buddy?”
Tails sighed to himself as he placed an open palm against his face and dragged it down.
“Our house just burned down, Sonic!” Tails grimaced at his older brother.
“All in a day’s work!”
“Half our belongings are destroyed!” The young kitsune became visibly angry, puffing out his cheeks as he waved his arms.
“All in a day’s work!” Sonic said with heightened exaggeration as he maintained his heroic, satisfied smile while observing the smoky house before them.
Tails sighed once more, turning away from the blue hedgehog as the vein along his forehead began to recede. “I’ll go call my insurance agent…” Miles walked back to the mostly unscathed workshop while fiddling with his wristwatch communicator. Sonic could barely make out Tails’ phone conversation as the distance between them became too great to hear.
“Welp,” Sonic itched beneath his nose, talking to himself with a satisfied grin on his face, “I’d say that unforgettable luncheon was a success!” Giving a thumbs up to nobody save to the readers who trudged through this oneshot, he collapsed against the grass and shut his eyes, taking in the cool breeze as he relaxed under the sun above.
“Ohhhhh, Sooooonic?” came a familiar feminine voice from above. Sonic looked up to see Amy standing over him, the Piko Piko hammer in her hands. “You didn’t forget about our date, did you? You promised!” Sonic lay frozen on the grass, sighing to himself.
Out of nowhere, Knuckles the Echidna burrowed out from under the ground, poking his red face out and pointing at the stressed hedgehog.
“Oh no,” Knuckles said before burrowing back into his tunnel.
“Well,” Sonic began, staring back at the reader as he allowed Amy to drag his body away by his hand, “we can’t win ‘em all!” The blue hedgehog shrugged before closing his eyes, allowing Amy to list out their itinerary as she dragged him back to Station Square for their own unforgettable luncheon.
I hope you all enjoyed this brief oneshot inspired by the infamous “Steamed Hams” bit from The Simpsons! I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, so I got the first draft churned out during the Labor Day weekend.
Special thanks to Mulberri for offering some suggestions over at the r/MilesPrower Discord server!
Expect to see more chapters for A Prelude to Chaos Control and Tails and the Abandoned Fox Cubs in the near future! In the meantime, I’d appreciate any feedback you may have!