Work Text:
The Ballad of the Spider
September 2020
“If they ain’t look at me the same,
I would probably die with all the shame
You did what with who?
What good is a ménage-à-trois
When you have a soulmate?”
JayZ, 4:44
“We will take away all your anger and pain,
And replace them with something much better:
calm, poise, serenity.
We’re going to make you into a proper woman.
[…] Monstrous I may be in your eyes,
a savage beast, you say, then so be it.
I’m the sum part of one woman’s days.
That woman has know pain and outrage so terrible
that has made her into this misshapen being
that you so despise
but let her be who she is.”
Pennydreadful, 3X09
The lion and the spider
I, a creature of neurosis and scars
you, one of bold, improbable hopes.
You cannot turn your back on me,
not even before my darkness
— or can you, my love?
Please don’t make me bother
to find out you want another.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
And still your dreams I haunted,
like the spider,
the strings of my webs too sticky,
how could you ever get the image of me
out of your memory?
The club you stalked,
the lion and its shiny cage,
still drunk in love
-like that first time-
still hopeless in love;
smoke so thick, vodka pouring
the memory of me was fading.
And girls, one after one
have they ever wanted ya?
And yet they’re never me,
they just can’t compare
and love, we both know that.
So take a glass, two, three, four, five
be your most base, lowest self
disappoint me for the very first time,
but do it well and hard and heartlessly
— Oh, but it’s just jealousy.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
So take that harlot, blindly, scared to death
your legs are shaking
your mind is blank
you’re not a person to use a woman like that.
What’s happened to you?
Are you that small and weak and coward
to use, in such a base way, a woman?
Are you such a pitiful, mysoginistic excuse for a man
such as I swore I’d never love?
You don’t even know yourself.
Except you know, you’re the one that told me
you needed to feel strong and powerful
a true man - and regrettably
I never knew you could be
just that.
—Oh, but it’s just jealousy.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
So take that harlot, blindly, scared to death,
use her as best you can.
make real all the fantasies you’ve ever had
and when it’s time, be sure to hurt me bad
Was she hot or did she just tun you on?
Was she worth it or was she just worth your money?
Either way the answer will not soothe the pain.
Do your worst, forget about me.
And she's never me, never me,
never on my level.
Will I nurse this resentment forever?
Let her stroke you in ways I never did
Is that how you want it?
A woman who’s filthy by night
And one who’s chaste by day?
Did you look her in the eyes?
Or was it just for pleasure’s sake?
Was that a mere transaction?
Surely not love, nor attraction;
except
she must have been turned on
by such a young man
so unlike her usual fellas.
Her body under you, on top of you
against you, around you.
Your tongue
in her mouth, touching
hers,
on her, inside her.
Your bodies writhing, your hips grinding.
What are you thinking?
Is that how you’d imagined it?
I can’t stop imagining it,
the sweat, the moans, the sounds you make
while you fuck her.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
No matter how good she was,
how she made your body come alive,
how much pleasure she wrung out of you
your limbs with hers entwined,
She’s never me, love.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
No matter how filthily she moved for you
How shameless she was
How debauched, how depraved
She’s never me, never on my level.
I was not there, was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
For so long I thought
Love was not for me,
that it would hurt, shame me, make me weak
And then I learned how to feel empowered by love
Just to be left barefoot on a grass of thorns.
For so long I thought
I could do right by my gender
only through meaningless sex
just like men
do.
But what good is a sexual encounter
with someone
you don’t really care for,
when you’re still called a whore
and yet
you’re expected to be one
for the man you love?
When they want you to be chaste,
but that makes you a prude,
and they want you to be dirty
but that makes you a harlot?
Is that sexual freedom,
to be cut in half
and never be enough?
Is that sexual freedom
as we women were told
or just another form of exploitation?
I felt it from my first blood
I swore I would
never give up my pride for a man
never be weak
at the mercy of anyone
so as an independent woman
in London
I gained experience in the arms
of a gentle youth.
Confident,
but still scared as fuck.
So did you laugh with them guys,
From the height of your privilege?
Was that a matter of no importance?
Did you comment on their breasts, their ass,
on the fake sounds they made
on how strong that made you feel?
We were far apart, I was not your girlfriend
I was not there, was far away
but I was fucking with nobody.
Of course I don’t understand
but I would, if I thought like a man
and of course I don’t want to understand,
I despise you all, you cannot tell right from wrong.
— Oh, but it’s just jealousy.
So tell me like it’s nothing, like it’s fun
I can’t believe it, you’re making fun of me
it can’t be real
— except it is
I wanna through up
I’m too overwhelmed with disgust.
Rage locked up,
to unleash it I was never used,
And when it’s too much
my mind is flooded with pictures of you and her
But my sight is lost in thought
I can’t bear to look at you
and that’s why when I do
on my face there’s just a heartless smile.
You’re there, the one I love,
Your face, the one I know so well,
The same eyes, lips and jaw I’ve adored for so long,
One I can recognise at fist sight,
So why does it feel like there’s another you
Hidden in disguise
That I never knew and yet despise?
It takes time and doubts, hate and shame— poetry, at last
For me to accept that even now there’s love in my heart
And yet you know well I’m torn apart.
Am I stupid or only stupid in love
to wanna forget
what my values could never accept?
I was not there, I was far away,
but I was fucking with nobody.
Of course I don’t understand
but I would, if I thought like man.
“Why when we’re together God seems to sit in the room with us?
And when you’re away, I manage to forget you;
And then one touch of your hand and God comes rushing back.
God or the Devil
Whatever it is, it overwhelms.”
THE BORGIAS, 3x10