Chapter Text
“Eyes up Rogers. We got company.”
Natasha says easily as she dodges a knife being thrown. She gives Steve a smile before launching into an attack at her would be foe. Sam takes him down before Natasha even has a chance to strike.
“You two can go back to flirting, I’ve got this handled.”
Sam quickly turns back towards the threat leaving the two love birds to roll their eyes.
“Can’t let him have all the fun. Come on Old Man.”
She smiles at him once more.
Steve wakes up with images of his partner fading once again. He barely remembers stumbling into his bed. He has a massive headache from the Asgardian mead Thor brought. He knows it won’t help, but it was one of the ways she used to cope, drowning herself in vodka until she passed out. His heart aches just thinking about her. He still can’t bear the thought that she’s really gone. He keeps thinking back through the memories they made, he’s never been more grateful the serum gave him perfect recollection.
She said she’d see him in a minute, she lied. Tears threaten to fall as he thinks of their last exchange. He never got to tell her how he felt, not that she didn’t know, but he never said the words out loud. He knows that she felt the same, but they missed their chance. He wishes he could be with her, going on like this is torture. It’s death by a thousand cuts. She was his anchor, helping him hold on, and now he’s lost.
“Meet me downstairs in five. We’re going shopping.”
“Shopping? For what?”
“Some new clothes. No offense Steve, but you really don’t blend in with your old fashioned tastes.”
“It has been seventy years Nat.”
“Exactly, so we’ve gotta catch you up with the times. First rule of espionage, always dress the part.”
She winks at him before turning away towards the elevator.
He spaced out in the shower. Reluctantly, he turns off the water. He steps out with a towel to his closet. He takes his time picking out an outfit. He settles on a plain grey shirt and jeans.
He skips breakfast in favor of going to visit Tony. The snap almost killed him, but luckily the suit helped him survive long enough for them to get him help.
He makes it to his cabin fairly quickly despite taking the scenic route. Pepper opens the door with a smile and lets him in to where Tony is resting in the bedroom.
“Hey Cap, didn’t expect to see you today.”
“Sorry for just dropping by, just wanted to make sure you’re doing alright.”
“I could be a lot better, but I could also be dead… shit, sorry.”
“It’s alright.”
“Are you okay Steve?”
“I don’t know… I still see her everywhere. I catch myself saying things to her as if she’s still here. I can’t let go of her.”
“What’s on your mind soldier?”
“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know.”
She touches him lightly on the shoulder, concern clearly written on her face. He turns to her with a frown.
“You’re not really here Nat.”
She smiles at him and he wants to believe it’s real. He feels her hand on him, it has to be real.
“Wherever you are, that’s where I am.”
“Steve?”
He snaps out of his vision, he apologizes for spacing out again.
“I know this isn’t easy, but you know she wouldn’t want to see you like this. You look like shit. Drinking isn’t going to help. I would know and so does Natasha.”
“I know. Every time I think of her, I feel a knife cut into my heart. She’s not here and I can’t pretend to be okay.”
“Death by a thousand cuts. That’s what it feels like.”
“Yeah, exactly that.”
He wakes up before her, he always does. She usually wakes up soon after, he cherishes those few minutes with her sleeping peacefully in his arms. Her eyes flutter open to see him looking at her lovingly.
“Morning.”
“It’s almost noon.”
“Well, I had a long night.”
“We did have a long night.”
She pretends to be confused.
“Hm… we? I think I might need a little refresher on what happened last night.”
“You know that we’re late for a group meeting with Sam and Wanda.”
“They can plan things on their own, I adapt well. If you insist on going…”
He cuts her off with a kiss, he had no intentions of leaving the bed. They were on the run, and while it’s nice to have a plan, things changed too quickly for them to actually follow through with them. All he needs is her beside him and he would be okay.
My heart, my hips, my body, my love
Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club
Our songs, our films, united we stand
Our country, guess it was a lawless land
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand
Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans
My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust
Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up
Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough
But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts
“She never gave up, maybe you shouldn’t either.”
“I would never give up on her.”
“You still have to return the stones, there’s gotta be something we can do to bring her back.”
Even after talking with Tony, he still turns to the alcohol in the barrel. He was almost done with it anyways, it’d be a shame for it to go to waste. He tries to hold onto hope that he can bring her back, but a part of him still worries that it won’t be enough.
I get drunk, but it's not enough
'Cause you're not my baby
I look through the windows of this love
Even though we boarded them up
Chandelier's still flickering here
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not
No, it's not
It's death by a thousand cuts (You didn't touch)
Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch
My body, my love, my trust (It's death by a thousand cuts)
But it wasn't enough, it wasn't enough, no, no
“You really should put that down. You have a big day tomorrow.”
“It’ll wear off in time.”
“Steve, I’m worried about you.”
“And I’m worried about this failing. I’ll stop drinking if you tell me this is going to work.”
“I can’t do that. I don’t know that it’s going to…”
I take the long way home
I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright
They say, "I don't know"
The next morning, he’s up and ready to go in his uniform. He has to try, living without her was too painful. He’s willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means he doesn’t make it back.
“Nat…”
“Steve.”