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Neil was pacing around the living room checking the time every couple seconds. Why did Andrew have to be at practice?
Neil grabbed something to eat to keep himself busy, to keep his hands out of his mouth. Andrew always argued that he was an adult, could handle himself--if that was true, why did he feel like he needed someone else so badly right now.
Henry would be home before Andrew, Neil realized when he ran out of food to eat. He sat down with his headphones playing. Billie Ellish played in his ears. She wasn’t his favorite artist but she calmed him down immensely for some reason. Except today apparently. Today was bad.
His car was still at the museum, his coworker drove him home early. It was not a good day.
He shook out his hands, trying to busy them with his stuffed dinosaur. The thing had changed from blue to a faded, greenish color over the years but was still just as soft.
The cats watched from the staircase, unsettled by Neil’s restlessness.
He was crying.
Why did Andrew think he was so capable of handling himself when one small, ignorant comment from a new worker set him off this bad? He felt utterly useless.
He wouldn’t have a snack ready for Henry when he got home like he usually did. Wouldn’t be able to talk about his day because words felt stuck in his throat--it was why he hadn’t called Andrew yet. Or anyone.
His hands shook too bad to try and text. The tears blurred his vision.
His head snapped up when the front door opened behind him. He scrambled to his feet, him and Henry staring right at each other. Henry dropped his bag and closed the door before the cats got out.
He said something. Neil couldn’t hear over his racing heart and the music playing in his ears. He just stared.
Henry gestured for Neil to take out the earbuds. Neil did and hated the silence of the room around him.
“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” he asked.
Neil shook his head no. He signed that talking was hard.
Henry stared at his hands. He mimicked the sign for talking. “Talking, right?” he asked. Neil nodded. “Talking....well you can’t tell me what's wrong so you can’t talk…”
Neil shook his head. He spelled out hard letter by letter. Henry was trying to learn sign language, but he didn’t know quite enough to hold up a conversation like this.
Neil wanted Andrew so bad.
“Hard. Oh! Talking is hard?” he asked and Neil nodded. “That's okay. No problem. Do you want to sit down?”
Neil sat down in the middle of the living room and sniffled. He signed that he was sorry, because he was. He hated that he put Henry in this situation, that he couldn’t handle it himself.
“Can I sit with you?” Henry asked, stopping a couple feet away. Neil nodded. Henry sat down. “I don’t know how to help. I can’t--I’m not Andrew.”
Neil sat up straighter at his name. He pointed to Henry’s phone.
“My phone--Do you need Andrew?”
Neil nodded, wiping under his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his stuffed dinosaur. He watched the cats make their way across the room to him. He inched away, he didn’t want to be touched--even by the cats--right now.
Henry held the phone between his shoulder and his ear as he scooped up the cats and shut them in the office. “Hi--No, no I’m fine, Andrew...Yeah, it’s Neil. He’s...when I got home he was crying and he can’t talk and I don’t know sign well enough and--I don’t know he can’t talk.”
He glanced over at Neil who shook out his hands before gripping the stuffed animal again.
He studied him for a moment.
“Yeah, yeah. I can do that. Where? Okay. See you in a minute,” he said, hanging up.
Neil looked up at Henry expectantly.
“He’s on his way. He said you could wear his sweater--the Palmetto one. Do you want me to get it for you?” Henry asked.
The orange one with sleeves too long for either of them. Neil nodded, putting his earbuds back in. He closed his eyes, trying not to think about today. Just to focus on the song in his ears, the way the stuffed animal felt but he couldn’t help it.
Couldn’t help but here the dumb college intern mumble something about how Neil shouldn’t wear a skirt. Then asking him to sit still when he was showing them the different dinosaur exhibits. That only made the stimming worse, to the point where he couldn’t drive himself home. He had to get his car back eventually.
Would Andrew be mad that the car was there? He whimpered, gripping the dino tight.
He could hear his dad yelling at him to stop bouncing around in his seat when he was happy, to stop playing with those dinosaur toys, stop stop stop.
He shoved his hands in his mouth, biting down on them. He sobbed, hating himself.
He heard voices other than his music a moment later. He made himself open his eyes. He saw Andrew taking the hoodie from Henry. They were talking. A moment later, Henry went upstairs to his room. Neil frowned.
Andrew turned to him. He held up a finger: one minute. He disappeared down the hall to the closet where Neil’s bag was. He knew what he was getting.
A moment later, Andrew held out the chew to him. Neil sniffled and took the chew, replacing his fingers with it. He pointed to the sweatshirt that Andrew held. Andrew held it out to him, careful not to touch him as he passed it over.
Once Neil was situated in the hoodie, he started signing.
Neil explained what had happened, the flashback of his father that accompanied it. Andrew listened. He nodded.
“How are you now?” Andrew signed.
“Tired,” Neil signed back.
“Do you want to go up to bed?”
Neil looked up at him. “You too?”
Andrew nodded. “If you want that, yeah. Can I shower first?”
Neil nodded, pushing to his feet. Andrew followed behind him up the stairs. Neil climbed into bed. He was asleep before Andrew made it out of the shower.
-
Neil woke to the smell of pancakes and a cold bed next to him. Had he really slept all night?
He sat up, looking at the early morning sun poking in the window. He looked around the room. Andrew’s side of the bed was unmade. He slept there.
He grabbed one of Andrew’s sweatshirts and made his way downstairs to the sound of laughter. Andrew’s laughter. Andrew was laughing. Laughing with Henry.
Neil’s heart fluttered at the sound. It was a rare sound, a rare moment. He stepped around the corner and saw the two of them by the stove. Bacon sizzled and Neil covered his ears. He hated the sound.
“Drew,” Neil said to get his attention.
Andrew turned and looked over his shoulder. He pulled the pan off the stove and the bacon out of the pan. Neil uncovered his ears staring at them.
“Morning,” Henry said, shoveling pancakes onto a plate piled high.
“Morning,” Neil echoed, opening up the fridge. He pulled out whipped cream, chocolate syrup, chocolate chips and berries for them. He set them on the table where Andrew was setting it. Andrew tapped the table with a fork, getting Neil’s attention.
Neil looked up at him.
“You okay?” Andrew asked, studying him.
He nodded. “Sorry about that,” he admitted.
Andrew shook his head. “Don’t apologize. Just...I talked to Henry about it the best I could, but I think you should talk to him later.”
Neil looked down at the table.
“Are you okay?” he asked Andrew.
Andrew stepped closer, into his space. Neil looked up at him again, held his eyes for a moment.
“I’m fine. Worried about you going to work again on Monday, but…” he trailed off and shrugged. “Promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Andrew sighed. “Don’t force yourself to deal with that bitch. You know you don’t have to work there if they won’t--”
“I can’t quit.”
“Neil--”
“I get to spend all day with the dinosaurs. How can you ask me to quit!” Neil said, eyes fixed on the table cloth.
“I don’t want you to deal with shitty, ableist interns just because you get to be with dinosaurs.”
Neil rocked back and forth. He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
Andrew sighed. “Later, okay?”
Neil nodded, watching him help Henry finish the pancakes. Neil sat down at his sea, pouring orange juice into a cup.
He tried not to think about quitting or having to talk to Henry. Instead he focused on having a nice breakfast with his family. His family.