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The realization hit Hawkeye square in the chest one day after surgery. He liked B.J. A lot. Probably too much.
No, that was ridiculous. He liked girls. He was a ladies man. But there was something under that. He’d felt this way before. In college. A cute guy in his freshman biology class had distracted him most of the semester, though Hawkeye had tried to play it off as just really wanting to be his friend. And over the summer he forgot about it, or didn’t think about it. Same difference.
Back to the problem at hand, though. He liked B.J. But B.J. was not only straight, he was also married. The only thing for Hawkeye to do was forget about this feeling, whatever it was, again.
That proved harder than expected. After he knew how he felt, he couldn’t ignore it. Now everything about B.J. drove him crazy. His laugh, his mustache, his face when he drank anything from the still, the tone he took anytime he talked to Winchester. Everything.
Hawkeye decided it would be better to avoid him for a week or so and let the crush run its course. It usually worked with the nurses.
It did not work with B.J. Besides the fact they shared a tent, they also shared most shifts and meal times. Hawkeye attempted to sit away from him, but if he sat down first B.J. always sat next to him, and if he came in second and sat away from B.J. he would just move to wherever Hawkeye was. The man was persistent.
Hawkeye reached a breaking point about two weeks later. (One had done absolutely nothing.)
“I miss Peg, I miss Erin, I miss home,” B.J. sighed, voice sadder than usual. A particularly long letter had arrived, and he’d spent the better part of the evening reading and rereading it.
“I want to be home with them,” he sighed again, this time looking straight through Hawkeye.
Hawkeye's stomach gave a painful tug, and he leapt up. He had to get out of that tent. “Beautiful night for a stroll. I’m leaving.” A coolness crept into his voice that he hadn’t meant to use.
B.J. looked up at him. “You alright, Hawk?”
“Fine, dandy, over the moon. Just need some fresh air.” He stalked out before B.J. could respond.
The camp was different in the dark. Quieter, calmer, cooler. But Hawkeye’s insides were loud, and nervous, and hot. His skin itched as he stomped through the night. He had no idea where he was going but was surprised to end up at Father Mulcahy’s door.
He gave a rapid knock. “Father, are you home.
There was some shuffling, then the priest appeared, blinking in the doorway. “Hawkeye?” The man was not a regular at this door.
Hawkeye breezed past him and sat on the bed. “Sorry to burst in on you, Father, but I’ve got a problem I- heh- I heh-heh-” Suddenly what he was about to say was the funniest thing in the world. Chuckles became laughs, then guffaws.
What was he doing here. In a Catholic priest’s tent in the middle of the night about to confess his feelings for another man! Maybe the war had finally gone to his head. He clutched his side and tried to breathe.
“Hawkeye! What’s the matter?” Father Mulcahy’s voice was concerned, and it snapped Hawkeye back to reality.
“I- I don’t- don’t even know if I can tell you, Father. It’s pretty sinful,” he said, still chuckling, but the mood had shifted.
Mulcahy kneeled down and met his eyes. “My son, you can tell me anything. You don’t come to me often, so I will listen to anything you have to say.”
Hawkeye lowered his gaze to his lap. “You won’t tell anyone.” He surprised himself with how small his voice sounded.
“Not a soul, except maybe Him.” He cast a quick glance at the sky, as priests are wont to do.
“Well only Him,” Hawkeye relented. “I think- I think I have… feelings for my best friend.”
Father Mulcahy cocked his head. “Who-” but he didn’t need to finish the question. “Oh.”
Hawkeye glanced at him as he fell into a chair. “Oh dear.”
“Told you it was sinful,” he shrugged, dejected.
“But he’s married.”
“What?”
“Hawkeye, he’s married.”
“He’s also a he. Doesn’t that bother you?”
Father Mulcahy shook his head. “My boy, I have been in the army long enough to know what goes on in it. If this was my first confession I might be shocked, but I accepted it a long time ago.” He placed a hand on Hawkeye’s shoulder.
“So what do I do? I’ve never really… done this before.” Hawkeye asked, looking into the priest’s calming blue eyes. There was no hate or disgust at all, just understanding. He had no idea how much he needed to see that until it was right in front of him.
“You’ve fallen for people lots of times. Why is it different now?”
“Well, Father, I think we already covered that.” A smile came back into his voice.
“It’s no different.”
“It is, actually. I already tried avoiding him. That works with the nurses.”
Mulcahy gave him a look. “You and I both know B.J. is not a nurse. Back home what did you do when you really, truly liked someone?”
Hawkeye thought for a moment. “I told them. Sometimes it went well, sometimes not, but at least it was out there.”
“Asked and answered, then.” Father Mulcahy gave him a knowing look.
“But what if…” Hawkeye couldn’t finish his thought. What if he hates me, what if he tells the camp, what if he never speaks to me again.
“Do you really think B.J. would do whatever is running through your head right now, Hawkeye. Answer honestly.”
“No.” He found he believed it, too. B.J. was the kindest person he’d met in a long time.
“Then, if you think it will make you feel better, tell him.”
Hawkeye nodded. “Thanks, Father.”
“I’ve told you before and I will tell you again, Hawkeye, my door is always open.”
He smiled at Mulcahy and headed towards the Swamp.
The walk back took a long time. A light was still on as Hawkeye trudged up. His feet had grown slowly heavier the closer he got.
“Beej? You’re still up?”
“Of course I am! You storm off at ten at night, looking like you’re going to jump in the landmine, and I’m going to stay up until you’re home or the enemy shoots you! Walking at night isn’t safe, Hawk. What were you thinking?”
Hawkeye blinked at him, then wrapped his arms around his friend. B.J. froze for a minute, then returned the action.
Tentatively, he rubbed Hawkeye’s back. “Hawk, what’s wrong?” He could feel the other man shaking.
“I have to tell you something, Beej, and it might ruin everything. But if I don’t I’m going to explode.” Hawkeye’s breath came in quick pants.
“Hawk, it’s okay. You can tell me. What is it?” B.J. guided him to the cot and made him sit down.
“I-um,” Hawkeye licked his lips, letting his nerves get the best of him. “I like you B.J.”
“Well, I hope you do. You’re the last person I’d want as an enemy,” B.J. laughed. When Hawkeye didn’t look up, his face fell. “Wait, you like me?”
Hawkeye nodded.
“Oh, Hawk-”
“Please don’t say anything! I’ll transfer. I won’t talk to you again. Please, just don’t say anything,” Hawkeye panicked.
B.J. held up his hand, lips pressed in a thin line. “I was going to say, ‘I’m flattered. You only go for the pretty ones. But I’m married.’ Actually.”
Hawkeye gaped at him. It was one of the rare occasions he was speechless.
“What did you think I’d say? You’re my best friend, Hawk. I don’t care. I think we’re a long way from anyone who would care.”
Hawkeye scanned his face. Again, there was no lie, no hate, just acceptance. Laughter bubbled up in his chest for the second time that night. “What am I gonna do, Beej. I-I still like girls, but you did something to me. I think it’s your mustache. There’s something about your mustache.”
B.J. chuckled. His friend’s laughter was infectious. “You’re gonna go down to Rosie’s and ask her to find you a nice guy to settle down with.”
They let their giggles die down before either spoke again.
“Thank you.”
B.J.’s head snapped up. “For what?”
“For being you. For not… I don’t know. For letting me be me, I guess.” Hawkeye stuttered.
“Hawk, you couldn’t be another person if you tried. And I wouldn’t want you to be. You’ll figure it out. Besides, the nurses would love it if you flirted with the guys for a while.” B.J. took his hand and squeezed it. It was strong and reassuring and told Hawkeye everything he needed to know.
I’m here for you. No matter what.