Work Text:
Park Jimin: Taetae, are you coming home tonight?
Taehyung leans on the railing, watching the street below as the scarce vehicles passing by. The weather is cold—winter is just around the corner and it’s already past midnight. His clothing is rather thin for the season and the whiskey he has in his hand doesn’t really help.
Taehyung doesn’t really like the taste of whiskey, but he likes how the amber liquid swirls around the ice cubes. It soothes him, somehow. It fascinates him how something that looks so beautiful burns and how some people like the burn.
“Hey,” Seo Joon pulls Taehyung out of his own swirling thoughts. He steps out to the balcony and stands next to the younger, sipping from his can of beer. After the sip, he exhales and says, “Your member contacted me.”
Taehyung looks at Seo Joon. “Which one?”
Seo Joon smiles softly, turning his body around and leaning back to the railing, looking up to the sky instead. He lets the question linger for a few seconds, then he answers, “I don’t think it matters. What matters is that they’re worried.”
Taehyung hums. He has an idea where the topic is heading to. He looks down at his glass again and begins swirling a bit faster. The clinking sound of the ice cubes fills the silence.
“They said you are… distancing yourself,” Seo Joon continues. “Now that I think about it, you are spending more time with us lately. Either with us, or you’d be at your own apartment, not in the dorm.”
“I don’t have any problem with them,” Taehyung quickly clarifies.
“But you do distance yourself,” Seo Joon points out. “Your member… he also said that he doesn’t think that it’s because of a fight or something. He doesn’t think it’s even related to work or even the group.”
A ghost of a smile blooms on Taehyung’s face. His members do know him.
“But he mentioned that it might be related to someone, and this someone might be in the group.”
His members do know Taehyung very well.
Taehyung sighs. He looks at the road down below. A car passes by. Two cars pass by. Three cars. Four.
“It’s Jimin, isn’t it?” Seo Joon asks, careful and not demanding, giving Taehyung a chance to shut him down.
Taehyung smiles a bit. Apparently, his members aren’t the only ones that know him well. “Why do you think it’s him?”
“Because it’s not a fight.” Seo Joon sips his beer. “There are only a few things besides a fight that could bother someone to this extent. Jimin fits there.”
Taehyung ponders. For the first time that night, he sips his whiskey. It burns his throat. He hates it. “He is a bother.” He lifts his glass up and lowers his chin to the railing, looking at the swirls and glimmers from below. “He came into my life and planted a root so deep, it wouldn’t be the same if I were to pluck it out.”
Seo Joon turns to look at Taehyung. “You want to pluck it out? Why?”
“Because some plants can’t grow together,” Taehyung answers. “And I wanted… I want flowers that can’t grow when Jimin is there.”
Seo Joon’s expression changes into one of surprise and confusion.
“I want kids, hyung,” Taehyung drops, with a smile that plays down the weight of the statement. “I’ve said this multiple times. I want to get married and have kids. Build a family.” He stands up straight again and faces Seo Joon. “It has been my dream since I was little. My members all know this. Bang PD knows this. Everyone knows this.”
Seo Joon nods. He knows, too.
“But, then, Jimin came.” Taehyung sips his whiskey again. It burns, but his heart burns more. “We were close from the start. Same age and all. Went to school together. Went to practices together. We laugh together, cry together. Soon, I knew he’s different from the others. At least for me.”
“You love him.”
“I love them all,” Taehyung says. “But, yes, I love him differently.” He looks at the horizon far away. Buildings. Lights. “And somehow my brain didn’t immediately understand that it doesn’t add up. At daylight, I told everyone that I’ll get married and have kids someday. At nights, I curled up into Jimin’s arms, convinced that I belong there. That it’s just right. That we will be like this forever. In each other’s arms.”
Seo Joon starts to understand the bottom of this. Taehyung’s dilemma. The heartbreak.
“I don’t really understand until lately. Until I reached the age I thought I’d be planning my wedding and finding baby names,” Taehyung smiles bitterly. Another sip. Another burn. “Seokjin hyung’s brother is going to get married soon. Hoseok hyung’s sister too. I was excited at first. But then someone says it’s our turn soon then, and—I know it’s a joke, but—it reminded me of my own dream. I remember getting excited just by thinking about it. I remember looking up for weddings and parenthood just because it excites me. I remember figuring out a timeline that makes sense. Then, it just dawned on me.” His throat is closing up. There is a pain in his chest. “This dream that excites me—there’s no place for Jimin in that. And I just— I can’t even begin to think that—”
Seo Joon steps forward to run a hand on Taehyung’s back.
“Jimin feels right. Jimin feels like home. Where I belong.” Taehyung looks up. He doesn’t want to cry. Not here. Not now. “And I just— I need time, I guess.”
Seo Joon keeps running his hand across Taehyung’s back. He could feel the pain. The ache. “You know, there are… ways.”
Taehyung exhales aggressively. Frustration is what washes over him right now. “There’s no way, hyung. With us being who we are today. I want a family. I want kids. There’s no way I start a family with him with all the eyes on us. Even later. Even when we’re not relevant anymore. And even if we made it somehow, I can’t— can’t subject a kid to all the weight that comes with us.” A tear rolls down. Then two. Taehyung downs his whiskey. It burns. It really burns. But it doesn’t compare. “The only way forward is to make peace with this fact. And I need time for that.”
Silence descends on them. Seo Joon feels guilt along with the biting wind. They stand in the silence, making it a friend and not a foe, letting everything that has been said and uttered to really settle in their mind.
With another sigh, heavy and sympathetic, Seo Joon pats Taehyung’s shoulder and squeezes it. “I take it that you already decided then? On what to let go?”
Taehyung nods. There has never been an ounce of doubt in him. Not even a fragment of what-ifs. Not even a speck of consideration.
“Have you talked to him?”
This time, Taehyung shakes his head. He has decided this from the start. Talking about this means committing. It means that he has let go. It means that he’s done mourning.
Taehyung still needs time for all that.
Seo Joon nods, understanding. He takes Taehyung’s empty glass and looks him in the eyes. “Take your time, Taehyung-ah,” he says, a warmth of a brother in his eyes, “But don’t take too much. Don’t make him wait for too long.”
Taehyung nods. He stands still as Seo Joon leaves him and disappears inside. His hand tingles, already missing the harsh coldness of the glass of whiskey. He looks down. He looks up. He lets every second passing heals the fresh wound that has been produced.
He takes out his phone and starts typing.
Kim Taehyung: Jimin-ah
Kim Taehyung: will you wait for me?
The answer is almost immediate.
Park Jimin: Always, Taetae
Park Jimin: Always