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By the light thud on the ground, he knew exactly who had already located them, even before his eyes found the energy to move from Rhody's face. By his friend's expression, he knew too and he moved away willingly.
If he was being honest, there were only three people he was careful not to lose from his sight during the battle. Well, of course, he was amongst many friends. The Avengers had already lost one irreplaceable member of their team and he wasn't going to sacrifice any other. Not even stupid Cap with his stupid morals and stubbornness, which proved to be equal to his during the last years.
"Big man in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?"
Mere hours after their meeting, this man had him all figured out. His own insecurities seemed to have more strength against him now that he was hearing them out loud. But Steve wasn't the only perceptive person on the team.
"A hero? Like you? You're a lab rat, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle!"
Truth is, part of his outburst had its roots way into the past. All these times his father rambled on the mights of Captain America or the righteous Steve Rogers made his response come out bitter than he intended. Howard Stark could spend weeks complimenting the fallen hero and not a simple second on acknowledging his son's accomplishments. If he had made half of his futile efforts to find the man, to build a better relationship with his son, Tony would be satisfied. But he wasn't as good as Steve f*cking Rogers. You see, he wasn't genetically improved.
Meeting the man only made things worse. He had a way of standing, talking, demanding respect without asking for it. He was exactly how he'd been described and that got on Tony's nerves. But as the words came out of his mouth, he saw the familiar flare of insecurity behind the man's eyes. That's right, Captain. Tony Stark has you all figured out too and he's not going to lick your shoes as his father did.
They both escaped quickly from their inner fight and indulged in more childish pursuits like going a few rounds to find out who was gonna win.
"The only thing you fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire while the other guy crawls over you."
As it turned out, at the end of the day they were both wrong. Or maybe they weren't. Maybe meeting each other was the turning point for both and what led them to tonight's victory. He had already proven Cap wrong when he let him crawl over his suit and destroy it in Siberia. He would never admit it to himself that Cap might have won that battle. No. He didn't want to fight him anyway but he kept getting in his way.
"Stay down. Final warning."
What Tony's still saying to himself about that day is that he let Steve win the battle because he couldn't hurt him. And he knew, Steve would not hurt him either. His intent was to save him from pursuing revenge and even though Tony never confessed it out loud, Cap had saved him. It took months to forgive him and he was too selfish to tell him when he did. But here he was today, fighting side by side with Barnes and recognising they were both victims in this story.
Here he was to witness Steve Rogers lifting Mjölnir, proving that the lab which created Captain America was not responsible for everything special about him. Here he was, with eyes blurry and unfocused, to watch as the big titan and his army became the aim of every housekeeper to sweep away.
"The only thing you fight for is yourself."
He wished we could take himself back to his house. Take him for a walk in nature and feed the alpacas with Pepper's food. He wished to annoy her, only to find a playful way to make her love him again; and have Morgan as his partner in crime.
He did not wish to die. Not now. There was a time he did. Back when he was in that cave or during the aftermath of his many wrong decisions. But today he hadn't fought to end up in the dirty ground, listening as his breath hitched with every inhale. He hadn't fought for himself.
He had fought for Morgan. And Pepper. And Peter.
Peter, whose image had started to clear out in front of him now and noticed that he was scared to make more steps towards him.
Peter, who Tony still didn't believe he had in front of him.
Peter, who's loss made the last five years feel emptier than they should.
Peter, who was so much like him and so much better in so many ways.
Peter, who was grateful to hear rambling about his life again.
Peter, who Tony's eyes looked for every chance he got tonight, along with Pepper and Rhodes.
Peter, who was one of the three people that Tony knew were looking for him too during this time and were the first to run to his side now.
"Mr Stark?"
His voice was already trembling and Tony didn't think he could take it. His eyes drifted back to Rhody, asking for help but his old pal kept looking to the ground and it was like he could hear him say "You have to face this now that you have the chance."
"Hey."
Peter demanded and Tony still refused to look at him. Listening to his voice like this was too familiar. His mind travelled 5 years back involuntarily.
It was all too much. Knowing that he had lost to Thanos, watching Strange give up the time stone and trying to figure out how this was part of the one successful scenario they had talked about. And then... as his thoughts were created and left his mind in rapid speed, something changed. People began to disintegrate around him and he knew they had lost. He took a deep breath and waited for his turn and while doing so, he turned to Strange. His eyes demanded answers. Why save him if he was to die anyway? Why give up the stone? And what was he planning to do to fix this after everyone else was gone? When his form started to fade out too, he was lost in thought. Strange was the only one with answers. If he wasn't gonna save them, who would?
"Mr Stark."
He was not ready for the boy's questions right now. He was still waiting for his own demise and he had to find a way to get him out of this planet before it happened.
"I don't feel so good."
The thought of losing Peter never crossed his mind and his eyes widened in fear.
"You're alright."
He heard himself say and he didn't know if who he was saying it to.
"I don't know what's happening."
The boy cried out as he fell into his arms and Tony had no answer. Thanos' goal was to wipe out half of humanity and that was already cruel. He never mentioned that he would take the best out of them. There was no logic for Tony to be flesh and blood and Peter feeling lighter with every passing second.
"Mr Stark? Can you hear me? It's Peter."
His eyes finally met the boy's but he couldn't find any words. He knew exactly what this felt like and he didn't know how to comfort him like he didn't know five years ago. He didn't know how to comfort himself. Not then, not the years that followed. The feeling of guilt and grief never ceased to overwhelm him and knowing Peter was exactly like him, he would now have to face the same. If only he could make his voice sound steadier, or better, erase this moment from his mind completely.
"We won Mr Stark."
"You're alright."
He gazed at his face, appreciating all their similarities, as the boy tried to persuade himself that everything was alright or maybe gain some kind of reaction from Tony.
"We won. You did, sir. You did it."
"I don't wanna go. Please, I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go."
God, the boy never stopped talking! If he felt a little more like himself right now, he would laugh. Now, all he wanted to say was how much he had missed this but the words were replaced by an awkward woosh of air coming out of his mouth. He gripped his fingers a little harder instead and his eyes followed him as he burst into tears. He could not do this. If this happened 5 years ago he would probably try to lighten up the mood by saying a joke or giving the boy a last, wise-old man speech.
"And if you died? I feel like that's on me."
But now that he knew how Peter was feeling, he realised there were no words to fix that. He couldn't think of any joke or any other thing that could ease his pain so he remained silent, drowned in guilt once again for the lost time. The hugs he was not there yet to give, the misjudgment of the boy's abilities, the foolish (or wise, he hadn't made his mind yet) punishments and lessons, the events of their last meeting and the fact that it took him so long to bring Peter back. But he also felt grateful that he made the decision to recruit him all these years ago. That he trained him, laughed with his excitement and fought with him about his lack of self-protection. That he saw him get better, stronger and smarter in time if that was even possible. That he was with him after Thanos' snap. That he had the chance to meet Morgan and tell her stories about the two. That Peter would have the chance to meet her too now. And that he was in front of him, crying and pleading and shaking him and so alive.
"-I'm sorry...
-Sorry doesn't cut it.
-I understand."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, Tony."
He grew used to worrying about him quite quickly. He never meant to make the boy feel the same and he hoped, although he would not bet on it, that Peter would never blame himself. The tears behind his eyes didn't let him see Peter anymore so he moved them upwards as Pepper's silhouette started to form. She gently pulled the boy away and he resisted only for a moment, before giving up, still wishing for a response from his friend, mentor and father-figure. It was all too much.
Thankfully, his saviour came right on time and his eyes lightened. He felt at ease with her. She could read him way too well and she knew what he was feeling even better than he did.
"-Hey.
-Hey Pep."
He breathed, relieved and lifted his hand to hold hers. The guilt came back, knowing he was giving her so much while he gave Peter so little but he hoped there would not come a day the kid would find out why. How letting him go again felt like. Peter had lost so many people already that he hoped this kind of pain would stop with him.
Now he was observing Pepper's face as she confidently asked FRIDAY to prove what she already knew was wrong. He smiled at her, thinking about all their technology-related fights and her incapacity to understand whatever he was talking about. And now here she was, turning to his technology for reassurance. She didn't know that FRIDAY grew to sound a lot more like her with each year of their lives together. If there was a chance he could be saved, they would all hear her screaming from his suit and scolding him for taking so long to protect himself. She used to do that with every little scratch, suggesting ways to mend it and making him feel like Pepper was with him during every battle. But after the snap, she remained silent to the point Tony thought the voicing parts of his suit were destroyed. He could feel weaker with every minute. They both knew what was coming but FRIDAY's lack of social skills found the courage to say it out loud and Tony's smile grew wider as Pepper flinched with anger for the damn thing.
"I love you."
He wanted to say it but even keeping his head up felt difficult now. Her own smile indicated that he didn't have to say anything, always looking out for him. But his stubbornness would be the last thing to leave his body and he was angry at death that he couldn't even talk to her anymore.
"Tony. Look at me."
She demanded like she was listening to his thoughts and he followed her order, trying once again to say something and failing.
"We're gonna be okay."
She reassured him but he could see Peter turning around, confirming Tony's thoughts that he would not be okay. Safe? Hopefully. But okay? He turned to look at the empty space in front of him again, noticing more people gathering around; noticing that his stubbornness would live through Cap who couldn't find the courage to approach him even now.
None of this was okay. Pepper not yelling at him for putting himself in danger was not okay. Peter's shallow breaths were not okay. Not seeing Morgan grow up was not okay. The damages on Rhodes' suit that no one would fix were not okay. Nat not being there to see their victory was not okay. Not arguing with Cap was not okay. Not having the chance to destroy the damn gauntlets along with Bruce was not okay. Not sharing beers with Thor, until they're both so drunk that they let it all out of their souls was not okay.
"-Something tells me I should put it in a lockbox and drop it to the bottom of the lake... and go to bed.
-But would you be able to rest?"
It was one of the rare moments he wished his intuition wasn't right. But at the same moment, he knew he would do it all over again, as many times as he had to if it meant that Peter would be back, that families would be reunited and Morgan would be able to grow up in a slightly more beautiful and fair world.
"You can rest now."
The ground started to fade away from his vision and Pep's voice sounded weirdly far away now. He didn't see her cry. Nor did he leave her hand, in his mind, for all eternity.