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Chapter Text

TJ's POV

How's been your day? The school's going great? How about Amber and Iris? They're not coming tonight? 

Those questions that my parents ask every time I come back home are missing today; something is going on and, I'm too afraid to ask. My mother's face looks a bit tired... She's been crying? My father is just there sitting next to her, holding her in his arms, it has been a long time since I looked at this image, and he just nods at me, the classic: TJ honey, go to your room, so that's what I do. 

Two queens and teej

Amber:  what if we go out tomorrow?

Iris:  sure, where?

TJ:  let's have some pizza tomorrow

Iris:  pizza sounds great

TJ:  Amber what do you think?

Amber:  yeah, pizza it's ok

TJ:  cool I see you tomorrow 

"Pizza... pizza... pizza... oh I haven't eaten yet." The sound of the door catches my attention, my father is trying to smile at me, his eyes tell another thing. 

"How was your day son?" the tone of his voice, his eyes, something is going on here. 

"Cool, I'll go out with Amber and Iris tomorrow by the way." 

The silence... it could be perfect if Amber were here, she knows exactly what to do in these situations, what to say, how to break this strange silence between me and my father, that's her talent, that's just her. Amber, it's like a sister to me, our parents are friends and we are close, she's always been in my life, she's my safe place when I need help, but this time, at this moment she wasn't here and I really need her. 

"What's happening? I know something is happening" My father just stares at me, nothing to say. "I need an answer" 

"Your uncle" he takes a long pause. "He passed away" 

My head feels heavy, my hands are trembling, my eyes are about to let the tears fall, and my world has been hit by a truck, a thousand trucks. 

I can't even listen to what my father is saying, all I do is look at him, mouth half open and an affected face, I'm trying not to cry right away, I can't let my father look at me like this, especially my mother, she needs to see that she has a strong son, that I can be her rock because I can, I am TJ Kippen, well, I am Thelonious Jagger Kippen, that's the name she loves and I'm not using another one right now, I'm strong enough to get through this, I am... right? 

I have been sitting on my bed for at least five minutes looking at the floor, my father is already gone. I still can't believe this happened, how it happened? Why did it happen? Why? 

My uncle was an amazing person, he always asked me things about my hobbies, about what I like, how I was, he really cared about me... I'm not saying my parents didn't but you know how this is or maybe not, I have this weird feeling right now, my head still feels heavy and I can't see clearly, I'm still trembling, how is possible that in just a few minutes my life has completely changed? How I am going to keep my normal life? How do I tell Amber? I don't know how I feel and I don't know how she will feel. 

This just has started, how my mother is supposed to keep going? They were really close, even closer than me and Amber, she must be feeling horrible, she must want her son to comfort her, but I don't know how I don’t know what to say o do, should I tell her everything is going to pass or just let her cry, or... I don’t know, this isn't the first time I get this kind of news, but it's the first time for... you know... losing someone close... a loved one. 

How I will go out with the girls tomorrow? I can't do it, my parents need me, and my mom needs me, I can cancel but if they ask why? What am I supposed to say? I can't tell them yet the situation, I have to figure out how to react to this, how to survive this. I don't have an idea of how this is going to affect me... because I've seen people in really bad states for things like this, and it's totally valid, they're just letting their emotions out, their feelings, but I still don't have a clue of how it's going to be for me and my parents, I'm an only child, I don't have a brother or a sister to help me, to guide me... Amber, yeah, she's like a sister to me... but she never meet my uncle before, she never knew how cool and kind he was, we're close but not that close. 

My mother suddenly sits next to me, and she hugs me, she's still crying but I can't, there's no way I'm letting my tears fall, I have to be strong for her... for me. 

"I- I'm so sorry mom” I hug her tight. "I know how important he was to you, I'm really sorry" 

"I'll be fine" she breaks the hug. "I just want to know how you were" Oh Mom. "How was your day? Did Amber and Iris make you laugh a lot today?" 

"Yeah... they made me laugh today" I clear my throat. You can't cry TJ. "Iris showed us a picture of her new dog, she just adopted her, and it's precious" Her face looks sad. "And Amber said we should dress like the pink ladies from Grease one day" She loves Grease, this one has to make her smile. 

"I can help you get the clothes" she smiles at me, just a little. 

"I'm sure they'll love to" I grab her hand. "You should go and get some rest mom, I'll be fine, I promise" 

And again... I'm alone in my room, just toughs in my head, memories, and worries, I have always been a guy who worries about everything, well of everyone, I don't like to see someone sad, I try to be there for one's who need it, like Marty, a friend, he's just always hanging out with Walker and Libby, so he's just a friend, not my best friend, like Amber and Iris, well the point, he was rejected by a girl once, he was heartbroken and I tried to help him, but now, I don't know how will I help myself.

What would I say to someone that is passing through this? How would I comfort them? I don’t know, I still don’t know. 

Tomorrow is a new day but how will I survive it? 

I wake up... I finally woke up, but did I want to get out of my bed? The answer is simple, no I don't want to, my bed feels so comfy and warm, I don't want to get out of it just to go outside, go and have breakfast with my parents with an awkward silence, and then go to Amber's house and answer the questions her and Iris must have, I can already listen to them and their "what happened to you last night? We send you thousands of messages, we were worried, tell us what happened." I don't know if I can answer all of that. 

How long has been since I opened my eyes? Fifteen minutes, come on, TJ you can do it. 

I finally get out of bed, my head still feels heavy, my hands are fine, they're not trembling anymore, my face... I could look better. My brain is still processing what happened last night, all I heard, was my parents' faces, how I felt, everything. 

Did I take breakfast? No, I'll just eat something at Amber's home. 

"Oh, hey you!" Amber smiles at me, radiant as always, beautiful as always. 

"Hello," I say in the same tone I use all the time. I need to stay as normal as possible. 

"Well, hello!" Iris shouts from the kitchen. "Come here we're making pancakes" she smiles, that pretty and bright smile of hers. Maybe I can survive this day. 

How can I start describing my friendship with these two?

Amber and I meet Iris when we were like 10, we had an instant click, she's been in our lives for a long time, we're always together, we're always there for each other. How it was when Amber told us she likes girls? We both were there for her in the pizza place with big smiles on our faces when she said it. And when I told them I like boys? They were there, hugging me and giving me so much love. When Amber and I came out to our parents? Iris was there, well not physically there but she was listening to everything through the phone while she was on vacation with her parents in Mexico.

They have been there for me, all the time, but this time things seem a little strange. I feel strange. As if this made me a different person. 

Cyrus' POV

It's another day, more things to write and direct, more actors to see, my parents are proud of what I have achieved for my age, already 21, and I have all of this, people call me a natural, a gifted, a born to be, and honestly those things are tiring, I love the way they compliment me and my job, it's nice when people like what I do. 

Lately, my days have been feeling more tiring than usual, I can't sleep nor concentrate when I have to do something important, when the actors need my help when Andi and Buffy talk about how amazing they're doing, or when Jonah wants me to listen to his new music, these days I haven't been myself, is there anything bad about me right now? 

Now I’m on my way to the theater, I have this amazing production with Andi's grandmo... I mean, with Cece, she is a businesswoman, Bex is helping me with all the makeup work, and Jonah, of course, is helping me with the music, this is my first ever musical, do I know something about musicals? Not that much, but I've been having meetings with people Andi met on some trips with her dad. Honestly, I don't feel confident enough to be part of this, because this is huge, we don't have many musicals at Shadyside, and this one is an original, even much pressure, right? 

"Cyrus!" Mary approaches me holding her script. 

"Hello, Mary! You look amazing, that makeup is exactly what I wanted" I shout as Bex smiles at me and then goes back to do Chris' makeup. "Is there a problem?" 

"Oh no," she looks at how much coffee I'm about to drink. "I only have a question about this part in the song" 

"Well, that's Jonah's job" I look at my phone. 8:42 a.m. "And by the look of your face, I suppose he's not here yet" Please, tell me you're here. "Oh, there he is!" 

"Mr. Mack?" 

"Yes, Mr. Mack, he works with Jonah in the songs, go with him, he'll help you" and there she goes, finally time to drink my coffee and wait until it's time to go back home. 

The same routine, the same coffee, the same conversations, when did this happen? When did my life become so predictable? 

I read the same stuff, I walk the same streets, I order the same food, I see the same people, I just do the same things, every single day, I don't have many adventures since I was 13, oh my thirteens, what a crazy ride was that one. 

Chris is talking about how he thinks that his dancing skills are bad, while Buffy tries not to hit him when he stops the dance part, did I mention that Buffy works with me too? Well, she does. 

After long dance practice, Buffy and I have some free time. Andi is working in an art gallery, she works there with a guy named Walker, they've been friends for some years now, I don't know him well but he's a nice guy. Andi notices us looking through the window, she smiles and waves at us, then she comes outside. 

"I didn't expect you guys to come!" she hugs us. One of our classic group hugs. The best ones in the world. 

"We needed a time out" Buffy jokes and I just... smile. 

"I need more coffee" I point to the café on the other side of the street. "Let's have some coffee, I invite" 

Jokes and laughs, smiles, and many "do you remember..." filled those thirty minutes we had, talking to them makes me happy, they're my best friends, and they have always been my best friends, we may not be together all the time but when we are, the time stops and we can light a whole country. 

We are each other number one fan, Andi makes art? We are there supporting her, telling her how much we love it and how talented she is. When Buffy has a dance concert or basketball game? We are there cheering on her. When I have a play? They are always there, in the first row. We're family, we know our faces, our emotions, and our bad jokes, we know our souls, and we function better together. 

But even having all these amazing things in my life, friends, a job, love from my parents, appreciation from people in Shadyside, and much more, I feel like if this is all the same, as one of my plays, I’m the main character and I play this every day, I do the same things, the people surrounding me are the crowd, they come to see me every day, they come to see the same, the same guy saying the same things, hanging out with the same people, having this routine, the same boring routine, I walk, I breathe, I eat and sleep, but I still feel like a zombie. 

Coming back to the theater, many things happen there, I'm always with Cece, making sure nothing goes wrong, the wardrobe? I'm there checking it all. The music? I'm there with Jonah and Bowie. The makeup? I'm there with Bex listening to all of her amazing ideas. I'm there the whole time, and when we finally finish our long workday, I come back home, just wanting or waiting to close my eyes. And when I can't, I just stare out the window looking at the sky or looking at how I haven't written anything for my new play, how I don't even want to go outside, and how hard my day is going to be. 

When will this pass? 

Chapter Text

Cyrus' POV 

"And that's why I've been struggling with this song, it feels like the words don't sound good together, we're stuck on it..." Jonah keeps telling me about a certain song, why? Well, I wish I knew; he's been talking about it for like twenty minutes. Do I understand it? No, I don't. Why I'm still here? Well, that's my job and he's my friend. I can't tell him that I actually don't get what he's saying or that I'm not interested at all. 

But listening to Jonah talking about music it's so much better than trying to help Buffy with the choreographies. I'm not a dancer and that's obvious, maybe that's why I'm here talking to Jonah. 

"What do you think?" oh, right he's been here talking while I was thinking. 

"Maybe you and Bowie can try another song, emotions, just remember that it's for the musical" Oh, that's Jonah's expression. Did I say something wrong? I need to fix this. "Or... Bex can help you, she has many talents" 

And that's it, he is now with Bex. 

How I'm even standing here? I just want to be in my bed right now. I work hard every day and I see the results, positive ones, but somehow I still feel empty, like I have another Cyrus in front of me telling me to work harder, he keeps yelling at me to be better, to work harder, to do everything that it possible to do in one day, week, month, but at the end of the day there's just me, the other Cyrus just fades away and I stay in the bed asking me why, why I work this hard? Why do I pressure myself to be the best? Is it worth it? Am I happy with this? I would be lying if I said that I like all of my plays or that I'm never upset when something goes wrong, I just try to keep everything going, keep the train going, I'm the driver and everyone else is waiting for me to do the best I can. Do they truly care if I mess up something? 

I'm usually pretty confident about everything I do or at least that's what I try to be. I can be confident about myself, how I look, and what I write in other's eyes but when I'm alone all I want is just a little help, pretending is exhausting and I keep pretending all the time, pretending I don't mind if someone shows up late, or if someone keeps saying the wrong lines, if someone tries to change the stage design because they think my ideas are too "simple", I have to pretend I don’t mind when someone says something negative about my plays. I have to pretend all the time because I must look strong, and cool. But I feel like if I keep pretending, I will explode someday. 

Be confident in yourself, be sure and strong about your goals, go for it, get what you want, and work hard  

This is what I keep repeating to myself all the time. My parents told me to go slowly but honestly going slowly feels like an eternity to me, I don't think I would be where I am if went slowly eight years ago. Getting out of my comfort zone was the best decision I've made in my whole life, I used to be scared of many things and I always let Buffy and Andi save me, but I'm my own person, I can do things by myself, I can save myself but the question here is from who?  

"Cyrus?" there's a hand touching my face right now, that's not pretty. 

"I would like not to have your hand in my face" 

"Sorry, do you remember me right?" Of course, I remember him, he works with Andi. 

"Hello Walker, do you need anything? Andi needs help?"

"Well no, but she told me to bring something to you" he gives me a note. 

"Thank you" I could sound less confused but why on earth Andi sent Walker here just to give me a note? I swear this girl is something else. 

"I don't know what is about either" he smiles and leaves. 

Andi's note was just about going out at night, I'm sure Buffy is totally fine with it but I don't feel in the mood to go out, even if it's just for a movie, I prefer staying at home, maybe I can play a game, I'm not good at videogames but I can definitely try one or I can just write, my script is there in my desk waiting for me to continue with it or start it, I don't know about what should be this time. Friendship? Love? Something deep? I still don't have a clue, maybe I'll stick with a romance, everyone loves romance things here in Shadyside, all I need is to focus or call Andi and Buffy so they can talk about their experiences with romance, they for sure have more than me. 

Well, there's one thing about Andi that admire the most and it's that she never gives up. I told the girls that I was going to stay at home, but in ten minutes they were in my room choosing clothes for me. I know, I'm not in the mood for going out and yes, I told them, but they always get what they want, I guess the three of us have that particular trait. 

Honestly, I don't have an idea of where we are, but we're eating some Chinese food. 

"You guys like this place? I found it last night, I was just walking and talking with Walker and we saw this place, I knew that we should come here" I love that about her, she's always considering us. 

"And where's Walker?" Andi looks so confused right now. "You said you were walking with him, I thought you invited him too" Buffy has a good point. 

"He's busy" She takes a sip of her drink. "He was going to meet with someone tonight." 

Suddenly they start talking about Walker, I can't join the conversation, I'm too immersed in my food and my own thoughts.

Can you believe that I still have nothing written in that script, I know I'm working on the musical right now, but I always finish writing my plays when I'm in the middle of another one, being in the theater usually inspires me, but lately, the theater itself stresses me a lot. 

How I am supposed to work on something that stresses me? I can't even explain how I feel right now, why it feels like it's so much work to just start writing? Why I don't want to be sitting here, eating Chinese food with my best friends? Why this is bothering me so much? The restaurant, the lights, the tables, the food, the music, the conversation, me, I'm bothering myself because I can't enjoy this moment, we don't have much free time, we don't go out whenever we want, I should be happy but instead, I'm focusing on all the bad things. I just want a break. I just need a break. 

TJ's POV 

A whole day with Amber and Iris should make me feel better, but it didn't, I kept thinking about my mother, about my uncle, about how it happened, asking me why it had to be this way. The whole day I was with them, physically. We cooked pancakes, we went to buy clothes for Iris, we watched movies at Amber's house, we're watching a show right now, but I'm not here at all, I'm staring at the TV, I see the characters interact, walk, but I'm not paying attention at all. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel. Because I feel something, but I don't know what it is. 

I have an unknown feeling, I feel like I should already have cried, but I still haven't, I feel like I should hug my mother more, but I avoid doing it, I feel off, someone switched my button and now I'm off, without energy, without a reason to being awake. I'm breathing but why it feels so hard? I'm talking but why it feels like my tears will come out at any moment? I walk but why it feels like I don't have a track to follow? There's a thing I surely know, I'm heartbroken, I'm bruised, I'm lost. 

"So, Iris' gone" Amber's voice is the only thing in the room right now. "Are you alright Teej? You've been acting weird the whole day; you didn't even tell me to drive carefully earlier" 

"I'm good, I'm just tired we did a lot of things today" She's not just looking at me, she's looking for answers, the ones I'm not going to give her with words. "I have to go home; I need to do something important" 

"More than important than talking with your best friend?" 

"Never" I kiss her cheek. "I'll see you on Monday" 

Did I just lie about how I feel? To my best friend? To my almost sister? Well yes, I did, I still don't know why, I don't want her to be worried about me because I'm too worried about my mother right now, and I need time alone, to figure out how I will deal with this situation. These things aren't easy, right? Is it normal not to know how I feel? Not knowing how to react? I think I should be reacting differently, I should be crying more, I should be like my mother, she's just dealing with it in the way it's supposed to, does that makes sense? 

I know there's a reason for everything, I know everything has an explanation, I already know that, but I want to know more things, why? How? Is there a hidden story? I want answers, a simple "Your uncle passed away" It's not what you expect to hear on a normal day, you don't expect to see your parents broken over the news; I'm curious about everything but I don't want to ask. I don't want my parents to deal with the story. I'll just leave things the way they are. 

But about telling Amber and Iris... I'm not sure yet, I do need them but my parents need me more, they have to be my priority, they're always my priority. Will this be good for me? Of course not, I'm not a fool, I know how much I'm going to suffer inside while my parents see a mature TJ admiringly dealing with this, taking care of them, being the 21-year-old person, I have to be. I mean my parents, and Amber, are my rock, I should be theirs this time, only for this time. 

I still don't know how much this is going to last, but I'll be here for them, I don't care if it takes ten years, I'll be right here. 

<<One week later>>

It's been a week since I got the news about my uncle, I've been trying my best to look okay, strong. 

My mother has been through some different stages, but she's been mostly crying. She thinks I don't notice, but well I'm not a kid, I can hear perfectly every time she's crying. I just pretend I don't so she won't feel even worse. About my father, he's been trying to distract himself. He's making so many puzzles and bought a lot of Legos, he tries to cheer up my mom but he fails every single time. 

As for me, how did I manage to be strong? I don't have an idea. I just try to focus on how much my parents need me and then, suddenly, I become stronger, I haven't cried or felt as sad as my mother but I do think of my uncle all the time, especially when I'm about to sleep. 21 years of being with him, I don't remember much about it and we don't even have pictures together, or at least pictures of just us two, but we have some videos. I like to edit so maybe I can make something for her, I just hope it can help her instead of making her heartbroken, again. It looks like I have everything under control, right? I'm even hanging out with Amber and Iris, and yes, I still haven't told them. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus' POV 

I still have to process what just happened. Why did it happen? Am I alright? 

I know how these things work, my parents have talked about this a hundred times, it’s just that I never thought this could happen to me. 

How do you understand such a thing? 

Maybe I'm too stressed. This is, actually, a normal reaction of my body, I’ll be fine. Well not today, I'll have to call Cece and tell her... that I'm sick because I am, I don't feel alright, hopefully, some sleep will help me. 

Cyrus G:   CeCe I don't think I will be at the theater; I woke up sick today. 

CeCe Mack:   What happened? Do you need some medicine? I can send Bowie

Cyrus G:   No, we have medicine here, but thank you!  

CeCe Mack:   Are you sure? I can send Bex instead if you want it

Cyrus G:   No, no, no, she has work to do

Cyrus G:   I'll be fine, don't worry  

CeCe Mack:   Fine 

CeCe Mack:   Get well soon, we'll miss you  

CeCe Mack:   Take care of yourself, please  

Cyrus G:   I will, thank you, Cece, good luck at the theater!  

I hope CeCe can handle everything. Wait what I am saying? She's a Mack, she can do everything she wants, but still, I'm worried about her... and everyone else, they’re not used to having CeCe monitoring every single move or action. Now I don't think that staying at my house was the best idea, should I go to the theater? What if this happens again? What would I do? I don't know as much as my parents, they're experts, I'm a guy who writes plays and is directing a musical right now, and I'm clueless about this certain situation. 

Now it's time to analyze what actually happened to me. First, I was okay, I woke up normally, there must be an explication, it started as a normal day. Well, normal in my way, not wanting to get out of bed and sleep more, then accepting that I'm an adult and I have responsibilities. Take a shower and go to work. Last night was difficult, I had to start writing something for the play, and I had literally nothing, not even the title. So I think it was a productive night, I had too much coffee but I always drink too much coffee... maybe the snacks? I don't think so, the snacks were amazing as usual. My stick notes were actually quite annoying but there's no problem with my room being a mess, it happens often, that's how my creative process is and I think it's great, everyone has their own creative process, doing art, any kind of art is difficult, we all have blocks even Andi and Walker with some sculptures or paintings; Jonah and Bowie have blocks while writing songs; or Buffy when she creates a new choreography, we all go through the same thing but we don't have the same process to bring our different arts to life. Maybe Andi and Walker have their own but different process. We all struggle with distinct stuff and we all solve them differently. 

But where I was? Right, second, I don't get it. How did it happen? Maybe I need help, but who am I going to ask for help? It would be better if I keep this for myself. I think that's the best option, I'll keep this for myself, no one can know about this, not yet. I'm not ready for this and I can't worry Andi and Buffy, those girls are like my family but I can't tell them this.

Why not Cyrus? Explain yourself

Well, I know I shouldn't be saying this but It's a bit embarrassing. My parents would scold me if they hear me say those words, but it's true, I don't feel like it's something I would like to share with other people. How am I going to handle it? I don't know, I truly don't know. 

But Cyrus! You should find help! 

It was just a one-time thing I'm sure it's not going to happen again. But what if it does? I don't know how will I survive that, I don't know a single person in Shadyside who could be going through what I am going through, because you know this is not something you bring up in conversations with other people. It's not like "Hey! I'm Cyrus and I suffer this". No one, believe me, no one does that, that's not the way things work; that's private stuff you should be like level ten of friendship with someone to say something like that. 

TJ’s POV 

It feels so good to breathe again...

I still don't understand what happened. I thought I was sick, but this is something much worse, much more important, should I tell my parents? Should I tell Amber? Should I tell Iris? Should I tell someone? How many people can suffer from this exact same thing? Am I the only one? 

I have so many questions and zero answers. I felt so scared, I felt like I wasn't going to breathe again in my life, it felt terrible, not being capable to control myself, I couldn’t move or breathe, or hear anything. I was afraid. 

I don't know the reason behind this, what could cause it? I haven't been stressed in a while. I've been worried but not stressed, maybe I'm worrying too much? I wake up every day to see my parents with those sad faces. I don’t feel in the mood for going out, eat, or sleep. All I can think about is my uncle... and my parents. I want the best for them, but I still feel weird about this. There are moments where I have this uncontrollable feeling of crying, but I don't do it, I don't want to look weak. I know crying it's not a weakness but, in this situation, with my parents, it is. 

They always wanted me to be strong, to be brave, to be myself in the best way possible, and this is me, a guy who worries over everything and prefers to suffer in silence so he can keep an optimistic face in front of others. Maybe this was my limit? It's been a week since the news and all I did was not show any emotions about it. Maybe I just need to cry? Let everything out? But with who? I can't tell the girls. If I worry over others they worry too much over me. They want the best for me and I appreciate it, but sometimes they act like my mom and that's why I don't want to tell them, they would freak out wanting me to be with them 24/7... and let's be honest I don't want to be with them all day. I have my own things, and one of them is, to take care of my parents, make them laugh or smile, a genuine smile, a smile that tells “thank you for making me feel better”. That's what I want. 

But what do people usually do in these situations? What can I do to solve this? 

Two queens and teej 

Iris:  guys I have a friend who works in a gallery and we're going to have a small party in his place, do you want to come? 

Amber:  yes! Where does he live? 

Amber:  what should I wear? 

Amber:  who’s going? 

Iris:  the girl who works with him and some friends of hers and some of his other friends

Iris:  just use whatever you want, you’ll look fabulous!!!

Amber:  fine let me see what I have in my wardrobe

TJ:  I can't go 

TJ:  but have fun!!

TJ:  be careful ily 

I can't go to a party right now. I have just gone through something very serious and important. I will investigate all I can. And I saw them some time ago how do they already want to go out again? I barely survived going to Amber's house, but a party? That's much bigger, I'm not ready for such a thing. 

But, do I look like a bad friend if I don't go with them? I love them, but I don't feel capable of going to a party. The parties and all the people in there stress me a little, I always try to be near Amber or Iris, but they're dancing all the time. Well, parties have a reason, right? I don't dance, I can't dance, dancing and I have a love-hate relationship, we can't be together, it's written all over the place whenever someone asks me to dance. I try to follow the others when there's a party but my feet don't want to understand, they do what they want, and I hate it. 

Should I concentrate on another thing? Maybe I can play my guitar. I haven't played it in like a week... why everything I do or do not do is related to that thing. When I go out with Amber and Iris? I remember the food my uncle used to prepare; Whenever I go to the park? I remember the time when all my family went to play soccer at the park; While my father was watching a soccer match, I remembered my uncle’s favorite team and how he always told my father “You should change your team to mine we have more titles” they always laughed together; they were friends. And about his relationship with my mother, where can I start? They were close, they were there for each other whenever one of them needed it, like me and Amber, but this bond was stronger, the love was stronger, everything was stronger... and now he's gone... and I feel like this is the end but I know it's not. I know we can survive this, but right now... it feels impossible. Are we ever going to heal? 

Losing someone you've been seeing almost your whole life it's hard, losing the only person that was there whenever I had a problem with school it's hard. And not knowing why I haven't cried it's even worse because I feel bad. I'm a bad person for not crying, but I want to cry, I just can't, and it's frustrating. All I'm getting from this is a broken heart, a mess in my head, and mixed emotions. I need help but I don't know who I should ask for help. 

"Hey," my mother's here. "You haven't eaten what I prepared; I'm feeling better today so I made your favorite" 

"Thank you, Mom. I'll eat it later" I try to smile but nothing comes. 

"Thelonious, what's going on with you? You've been strange this week" 

"We all have been strange, Mom" I keep looking at my hands. "It feels unreal, like a nightmare" 

"I know, it's been hell" She hugs me, and then, what I didn't want to happen... happened. 

Tears started to fall from my eyes. I've never cried this hard before, not even as a kid. 

"I want this to... end... the suffering" I clean my tears. "I'm sorry"

"It's okay TJ" Did she just call me TJ and not Thelonious? Why? "You need to let everything out, cry all you want... I'm here" 

"I don't want to cry; I want to be strong for you" 

"But you need to" She stares at me as if I'm 5 years old and I just fell and hurt my poor leg. "You're not made of iron" 

And just with those words I was a crying mess, I hold on to my mother like a little boy and cried. A lot. 

I definitely can't go to the party with the girls. 

Cyrus' POV 

"Why you can't come? It's going to be a great party I promise" Andi says through the speaker. 

"I have to work on my script Andi" Yeah and I'm doing an amazing job laying in my bed. 

"But you love parties!" I can't see her but I can imagine her pouting. 

"My job it's more important than a party, I've been stuck in some scenes, I'll do my process to get rid of my block" 

"A party can help" 

"No, it can't help, a party will distract me from my main thought, my main idea" Yes, I'm still in my bed. 

"Fine, but we'll miss you" 

"Work hard we love you!" Buffy's voice appears. 

"I will. Have fun! I love you more girls!" I end the call. 

I'm not a fan of texting, and Andi loves texting, I prefer listening to someone's voice than just reading their message. 

But a party? Are you serious? I can't go to a party right now, I feel too warm in my bed, I feel safe in my room. Working on my script? A big lie, I've been looking at my computer for hours but nothing came to my mind, all I can think about is what happened this morning and I can't write about it. Why would I write about it? To tell my own experience? That's crazy it would expose me. 

And as I said before, it was a one-time thing. Or that's what I think, I'm not prepared for this to happen often, I'm not that emotionally strong, I'm a mess, a good one of course. Maybe some music will help me to concentrate on my script. Some jazz will help me to relax and get in the zone. If don't finish this script my whole career will be in danger. It's too much pressure, right? 

Jazz music it's calming, it's sweet, it's what I needed. I just need to let the music lead me in writing this script, come on Dear Diary you have to be amazing. 

Maybe, it was a mistake not to go to the party? The girls could need me for something and I'm here trying to write something I don't want to write, all I want to do is to be okay with them and stay in my bed, maybe some sleeping, well, more sleeping, playing songs and get in the lyrics. I really admire the people who can write songs. I'm clueless about this, that's why I usually like to listen to Bowie and Jonah talk about their process, but these days I don't want to listen to them, I don't want to do anything and I know that's not okay, well not for me. I'm naturally productive and now I can't do anything productive. And I'm getting worried. Am I broken? Who should I ask for help? I'm doing something wrong but I don't know what is it or how to change it. 

Should I try having a new hobby? I haven't read in months because I'm always busy, and sincerely lately I don't find my books interesting. I get exhausted whenever I want to open one and read it. Maybe playing an instrument? I don't think so, music it's not my thing. Maybe learn how to play video games? There's a game I really want to play but I don't know how. I can't decide. That's me every day now, I can't make a simple decision. I don't get this, I truly don't get it. 

TJ's POV

After crying for like an hour my mother left the room and brought me the food. 

I'm starting to feel better, but I still want to cry. I still have this uncontrollable feeling of crying. I don't want to, my mother saw me cry for an entire hour, and I don't want her to worry about me again. Her face was so sad when I started to cry and when I kept crying. I can't see that expression again I want to make her smile not sad. 

Maybe I should cry when no one's home, yes, when I'm completely alone, or at 3 am listening to all the songs that make me remember my uncle. I really miss him, it's been a week and I miss him like crazy, I can't stop thinking about the last time we hugged, the words he told me, his expression, his smile, I just miss him and I can't do other things more than missing him, and miss him again and again, It's repetitive, I do it all day, at all hours, I can't stop, I feel sad, I feel weird, I feel like a part of me, an important part it's missing and will never come back. 

Crying it's surprisingly helpful, I feel better but I still think I need to cry more, and more, and more, and more, and even if everyone tells me “You've cried enough” it will not feel like that, there are not enough tears, it will never be enough, and my parents know it, that's why my mother stayed here with me and why she told my father about it. I can hear her voice saying “Thelonious cried a lot, I'm worried, I never thought this was going to be this hard for him”. Well, surprise, Mom it is, it's so hard and I feel so bad, and I had an anxiety attack a few hours ago and I don't get why. 

I don't understand myself, I don't get this, this whole situation. Why did it have to happen? I feel like I'm drowning like I'm falling from an airplane in the sky. I'm not alright. 

Two queens and teej 

Amber:  we miss you! But we'll leave this picture here so you won't miss us a lot 

Amber:  *picture*

TJ:  it looks like you two are having fun! I miss you, girls! Keep having fun! 

They really having fun and I'm really here sad and wanting to cry, just trying to understand why my life feels like this. 

Chapter Text

TJ's POV

Have you ever felt that you don't belong somewhere? Probably a million times. Well, that's how my life has been. 21 years of feeling that I don't belong no matter where. Every time I felt like that, I had Amber next to me cheering me up, believing in me, and telling me that everything was going to be okay. This time. At this moment. Right now. She's not here. I'm alone and scared, and I need her so much. 

You're probably wondering what is going on with you TJ. Well, I woke up and this idea came to my mind. Buy a new guitar. My old one is... well... let's just say that it remembers me of my uncle so I had to do something. I wasn't going to sell it, I only put it in another room, a room I'm scared of, but I was brave. The real problem here is that I want to buy a new one. I'm here in the store looking at all the guitars. A man is telling me all the types they sell. That's why I'm scared. There are so many types, he keeps talking and explaining to me and I'm just nodding, I can't speak, I'm too nervous. I want to go home. 

I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to buy a new guitar. I could just stay at home playing the piano, why it has to be the guitar? Now this person is talking to me making me feel weird. He's smiling but I know that's his job. He's probably thinking “Why he came to buy a guitar if he doesn't know a single thing about them?” because that's what I’m asking myself right now. 

"Have you seen any guitar you liked?" Why he's asking me such a difficult question? Oh Amber I need you. 

"Well..." I try to say his name but I don't remember it. 

"I'm Bowie" he keeps smiling. 

"Yes, Bowie!" Why do I have to use my hands for every single thing I say? "I... I liked... the red one" 

"That's an amazing choice, my friend! You're about to give this guitar a forever home, I hope" Why is he trying to have a whole conversation with me? Why? 

"Yeah," I can feel my awkward smile, don't do it TJ, please. "I mean, yeah I will keep it safe, I... will... use it... with responsibility" Responsibility? Are you serious? 

"Okay... I'm sure you will" The awkwardness in his tone, what have you done TJ Kippen? 

Well, now I'm finally out of the store. I don't know how I made it outside, I stood in front of my bedroom door hesitating if I should go, and here I am, walking too slowly because I want my steps to be firm, but I feel that I'm walking a bit unsure of where I'm going and everyone notices, that makes me even more nervous. That man, Bowie, he's nice, I feel so bad for acting so weird with him, I knew I should call Amber, I still don't know how I'm still available to walk, to breathe correctly, to talk to people, to function this day. I even went to buy a guitar, this is something good, I feel good, great with myself. Maybe I can call Amber and Iris, I haven't talked to them since last night. I stopped reading their messages, I felt too tired to answer a message, all I wanted to do was stay in my bed listening to some music, still crying. I've been crying a lot since last night. I'm actually surprised that my face doesn't look like a balloon. 

Maybe some coffee can help me to calm down. There is the café in front of that gallery, I'm sure that's the gallery Iris has mentioned before, where her friend works, I could enter but I think my coffee is more important. 

"I'm glad you could come to work today, I thought you were sick, that's what Cece said"

"Oh yeah, the medicine is good"

I should stop listening to others' conversations, this is a bad habit TJ. 

"Greg has been a dream, he's the one" 

"Oh my, you really like him, don't you?" 

Another conversation. TJ stop it. 

"Welcome, what are you taking?" 

"I'll just take a black coffee, please" I was about to leave the counter, when... yeah, I didn't tell her my name "I'm TJ" 

I can't stay here for long, there are so many people here and all of them are talking, smiling, laughing, bonding. And I'm standing here alone, waiting for my coffee, with my guitar. I really can't stay here. If I stay, something bad is going to happen, I have this feeling in my throat again, I can't have an attack right here, right now. 

"TJ!" the same girl shouts my name, now I know my coffee is ready. 

"Thank you" I grab the coffee and leave the money. The next thing I do is get out of the café so fast. Someone may think that I was in a hurry, and well, I am, I need to go back to my house right now, but I'm afraid is too late. I keep walking, almost running, to the park, where I sit on the nearest bench with all my stuff, trying to breathe. Why is it happening right now? I thought it was a good day. 

Again, I can't breathe, I can't see clearly, I can't hear anything. The last thing I saw was the alone park, not a single person was there. And honestly, I'm glad of it, no one can see me in this state. I don't know if I should be worried because of what's happening to me. I can feel my phone ringing in my pocket, someone's trying to reach for me. My parents? Amber? Iris? I don't know who could be, but I can't answer, I can't move. The only thing in my mind is that I want this to stop, I want to breathe again. My coffee is still in my hand, it's too hot, it's burning, but it doesn't matter. I want to be okay again. Why can't I calm down? Why? I tried to have a normal day. I did all the things I used to do before this happened, I thought it was a simple day, my routine, but it's not, it got bad, it's getting worse, I need help, but I'm here alone, and I don't know what to do. 

Cyrus' POV

It's morning... again... a new day, a new start, and my script is still the same, with just some words written, my mind blank, and my phone ringing. Maybe Cece? I don't get the call, I need to write at least a single scene before getting ready so I can go to work this time. The girls must be excited to tell me about the party, how it was, who attended, and what I missed. I don't want to go, I want to stay here again, but I need to go, I must go, this play is important to everyone, not just me, they all have worked so hard, I need to be professional and go, even if I'm late. 

Buffy:  hey do you want to go for a coffee before work? 

Cyrus:  sure

A coffee with Buffy sounds great, it's what I needed, have a coffee with one of my best friends, pretending that nothing happened yesterday, that I'm fine, better than ever, even if I don't feel like it. But first, I really need to write something. Why this suddenly became so difficult? Since when I can't write? It used to be so easy and now I can't find the right words, because I don't think any of the ones I write are good and I end up deleting them. Maybe I need some new motivation. But where am I going to find inspiration? Should I smell flowers? Candles? Read a book? Go out for a walk? No, I don't think that's a good idea, I mean, I love going out, walking, watching the sky and the birds, the trees, everything, because everything is beautiful and it inspires so many people. 

But not me. Not right now. 

I take all of my things and leave my script there, with the same words... I drink some water before heading to the café, where Buffy is probably waiting for me. 

A long road from my house, I was able to leave my house this time, finally going back to normal. Well to my normal. What is normal? We all have different concepts about what normal is. For example, for Andi, her normal day is going to the gallery, seeing Walker, talking to a lot of people, making art, and fixing art. Buffy is probably running before getting ready and going to the theater, she probably walks everywhere, she loves doing any type of exercise, she might go practicing some steps of the choreography when she’s walking, greeting everyone, she's a social person, and then in the theater, she goes for all the place like “Hello Bex! Jonah, I like your jacket! Cece nice glasses, are those new?” and then there is me, I wake up and write, I take a shower and then I write, I go to the theater and I'm thinking in what to write, I come back home and write and that's how my days are, but now, I wake up and want to sleep more, I take a shower and want to go back to the bed, I go to the theater and want to go back home, I come back home and want to sleep, I don't write a lot anymore, I don't have the inspiration anymore. 

"Hey, stranger!" Buffy knows how to scare me sometimes. 

"Hello!" I hug her. "How was everything yesterday?" 

"If this was a test, I think we did well... kind of well... Cece can be difficult" 

"That's weird, she didn't tell me anything" I try to check my phone when...

"You can check that later, let's go inside" 

Buffy has a lot of confidence in herself, you can see it in the way she walks, and talks. I'm confident too, but she has much more confidence than me. 

"I'm glad you could come to work today, I thought you were sick, that’s what Cece said" She is already in the waiting line. 

"Oh yeah, the medicine is good" There's one thing I'm absolutely bad at and is lying. 

"Are you sure you're sick? You seem pretty healthy to me" 

"It was a one-day thing you know?" 

"I see" She has a suspicious look on her face. 

And now that awkward silence. 

"You missed the party," She says to me before ordering our coffees.

"It must have been an amazing party if you say it like that" I smile a bit, I don't regret not going to the party, but she won't tell me all the things that happened there and I hate it.  

While we're waiting for our order she keeps talking about the party. She met a lot of people there. Walker is a really social person, he likes to make friends and then he likes his friends to meet each other so everyone can be friends with everyone. He's that type of person, but we all like him. I'm not his friend but have talked before. The girl finally says our names and when I'm about to grab my coffee a guy takes it and leaves the café in a matter of seconds, now I have another guy's coffee and a sad face because I love that coffee. 

"I can buy a new one," Says Buffy in an attempt to go and order me a new coffee but I stop her. 

"No, it's okay... I guess I'll drink this black coffee" 

"You don't like black coffee... I knew we should order iced coffees" She puts her hand on my shoulder.

"Let's go to the theater... please" 

"Alright, let's go" 

Now I lost my coffee and my motivation for the rest of the day. I'm not mad, I'm actually curious what could that guy think? What was on his mind when he grabbed my coffee instead of his? I don't think that he's going to like my order; I mean who orders just black coffee? Who can be like that? I personally don't like it but if he likes it then it's great. 

Oh well, here I go, to the theater again, hello normal life. 

Everything looks great and in place. Everyone looks amazing, I know I left one day but I was afraid something could change. 

TJ's POV 

After some time, that felt like years, I can breathe again, and I feel alive again. There's no one around, no one saw me. Why does that make me feel better? Is it bad to think this is an embarrassing thing? Because that's how it feels... embarrassing. I didn't sleep much, I was investigating this. What may be causing it? How often is this going to happen? How can I get rid of this? How many people can be suffering from this right now? What are the other signs of it? It was a lot, I've never read this much in school, but I wanted to be informed, I wanted to understand it, but, honestly, I'm more confused. This is unpredictable, I just confirmed it. 

Two queens and teej 

TJ:  Where are you? I want to hear about the party!

Amber:  I was waiting for that message 

Amber:  Come to Iris' house

TJ:  I see you in 15 

I said before Amber is always there for me. I'm not going to tell her about what happened, but listening to them talk about the party will definitely make me focus on another thing. I'll just drink my coffee, it must be cold. 

"What is this? Why my coffee tastes so horrible?"

Try to recall TJ. I took my order and left the café so fast…

Cyrus 

Who's Cyrus? Why do I have his coffee? Did I take his coffee? Oh no, I took another guy's coffee, this is bad, this is too bad. 

And he has a terrible taste in coffee. This kind of flavor is why I prefer black coffee, you're never wrong if you have a cup of black coffee with you. I guess I'll drink this on the way to Iris' house.

Have I talked about Iris? Not enough. She's an amazing friend, she's always there for us, she's like a ray of sunshine in the morning and she's super smart.

She also likes to make a lot of friends, I don't even know where she met the party guy, that must have been a fun party. I can imagine both of them talking to everyone at the party, making friends, taking pictures, dancing with them, eating, maybe? What do you eat at parties? Why would I be thinking about what people eat at parties? Well, I said I wanted to distract myself. 

But I can't stop thinking about the thing, why it had to happen at the park? The park is not a place where people have attacks, right? I don't know a single thing about this. It feels like all the things I read last night disappeared from my memory... is that a normal thing? I didn't read about it last night. What do you call these? Signs or symptoms? Oh, brain, why are you betraying me like this? 

"TJ!" I turn to meet Iris' mom.

"Gloria! Hello!" I smile at her, I try to look normal, like, you know, I didn’t have an attack at the park ten minutes ago.

"Are you going to the house sweety?" 

"Yeah, the girls want to tell me about the exhibition they went to last night" I take the bags she's carrying. 

"Oh, they loved the exhibition! They said it was an amazing experience" She grabs my arm. "I didn't know they were into art" 

"Well, Gloria, everything is art, you only have to look very closely to find it" 

And I'm right, everything can be art, we just have different ways to interpret it. A lot of people make art when they pass through a difficult time. Maybe I can find inspiration from what I'm feeling right now... nobody knows the story behind my suffering, nobody knows I'm suffering... but right now I'm worrying too much about the attacks, they can happen at any moment. I'm not ready for it. 

Cyrus' POV

"Cyrus, we have a problem with Fernanda she doesn't want to wear any of the looks I planned for her and she's driving me crazy, I need your help" Bex's tone is making me feel anxious. Why does Fernanda act like this? 

"Bex!" Now Bowie arrives. "Cyrus! We have a problem with some songs and the band, they don't like the lyrics, and they don't want to play, do you know what's going on with them?" No, Bowie, I don't know. 

"Cyrus!" Oh, no, Cece's coming now. "Do you know what happened with the scenario? It looks like a complete disaster. Where are those kids? I need them right now" Wait what? 

"Cyrus, Catherine's not here yet and we have to start practicing the choreography, She's an important piece here, I've been calling her and she's not answering! You need to fix this" Buffy looks really mad. 

"Cyrus!" Andi's approaching. 

"Stop!" I shout before starting to walk out of there. 

"Where are you going?" Cece shouts at me. 

"Cyrus!" Buffy's voice is very clear. 

"What happened?" Andi asks. "I brought him this coffee" 

I'm walking as fast as I can. I can feel how my legs don't want to respond anymore, they said everything was fine, and they said they made a good job yesterday. Then why is all chaos? Why they lied to me? I can't with these problems. With this pressure. I... can't... breathe...

The park is the nearest place to the theater, I sit on a bench and try to breathe. 

This will pass Cyrus. This will pass. 

Everything was going great, this was supposed to be a good day, a normal day. This is not a normal day; everything is going wrong. Everything is a mess. I'm a mess. I can't relax. I...

And then after a few minutes, I'm okay again. 

This can't be happening, this was supposed to be a one-time thing, but this is a second time. I'm Cyrus Goodman, you don't expect Cyrus Goodman to have an attack at the park. I don't want this to happen, I want my normal life back, but what if I don't get my normal life back? What if this becomes a normal thing? I haven't told anyone about this. Nobody knows. 

"Hey! Are you alright Cyrus?" Bowie approaches me right when I walk into the theater again. 

"Yeah, it's just that I'm still a bit sick, but I'm okay, let's go back to work" 

Yes. Everyone is looking at me. 

"Fernanda, Bex is a professional, trust in her, she knows what she's doing" I turn to the band. "Same goes for you, Bowie is an amazing musician he knows what he's doing and I don't want to repeat it twice" Now is Cece's turn. "I called the 'kids' and they'll fix this, they're coming in 25 minutes" And now Buffy. "I called Catherine, she's sick, try to practice with..." Oh, yeah, Andi. "Andi!" I take the coffee from her hands. "Thank you for the coffee" 

And that's how you act as if nothing happened, even if you still feel afraid on the inside. 

TJ's POV 

"So... you met this guy by accident and then you became close friends and then he invited you to his party?" Iris has a lot of stories but this one is... different?

"Yes," She smiles.

"You should've been there, Teej!" Amber looks at me. "It was amazing! Walker really knows how to throw parties!" 

"What were you doing last night?" Why did you ask that Iris?

"Yeah, we were worried" 

"I helped my parents with some work they had" Yes, I lied. 

Lying is the only thing that feels, not right but not good either, acceptable, maybe? Yeah, acceptable it's the definition. I can't tell them “I cried almost all night long and then I searched about the attack I had earlier that day, oh, did I mention that I had one right before coming?” Yes, that's not a thing you just talk with your friends. 

"Well, I like your guitar" Amber smiles at me.

"You can play for us!" Iris sounds pretty excited about me playing the guitar. 

"Maybe later" I look at my new guitar. "Keep talking about the party I want to know everything"

Have I already entered into that part of my life when I act as if my okay even when that's not true? The answer is... yes. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus' POV

Pretending to be okay it's, actually, one of the most difficult things someone can do. I don't know how exactly this started to happen, but one day I was already avoiding talking about my feelings and staying with all my stress, and when that happened, I had that attack yesterday and now I have another. This needed to happen, it's a normal reaction to not getting help and trying to pretend I have the perfect life and job. My life is pretty weird, I'm constantly in a hurry, for everything; and my job it's exhausting and stressing, don't get me wrong I love my job, I enjoy my job, and this is what I'm passionate about... but there are times... I just wish to have another passion, another job, so I wouldn't be this stressed all the time but we can't choose our passions, they choose us. It sounds ridiculous right now but when I started considering all the times, I knew writing was my passion when I could simply have another one, do the same thing that my parents do, and study psychology but no. Writing chose me, that amazing and beautiful way of creating art chose me. I never felt pressured because of it, but right now, at this moment, well, when everyone started to complain about everything... yeah that was my breaking point. 

Breaking point. It's an interesting phrase. How do we know when it's our breaking point? Why do we call it a breaking point? And what a breaking point is? Well, I'm not an expert on words... or life, but I can tell you that what happened to me about one hour ago was my breaking point. I always ignored all the stress that this job comes with, I thought I was fine, I've been ignoring all this stuff since I was younger, I pressured myself to keep going, to not stop until I got what I wanted... and when I had it, I kept working hard so I couldn't lose it. After years and years... and more years of not trying to think in the stress and overworked me I came to my breaking point. Why would something so silly make me have an attack at the park? I don't know, I don’t know how this works, but it happened. Maybe yesterday I had a breaking point too, the stress of finishing my script. That script is making me stressed so much, that I can't finish it, and my brain is not helping either, I passed the night before my first attack trying to write something, but I just can't, why? 

"How's the coffee?" Andi appears out of nowhere. 

"It's good" I try to smile, I try to pretend I'm okay. 

"What happened to your order? When Buffy told me that you were drinking black coffee. I was shocked, you don't like black coffee" She's always so nice, she usually makes me feel better, but right now that's not the case. 

"Someone took my order by accident, a guy named TJ" 

"Well that guy TJ had the best coffee he has ever tasted" 

"Don't tell me that" I smile, better than two seconds ago. "But thank you for the coffee, you're the best Andi" 

"Well that's my job"

"Getting me coffee?"

"Being the best" She smiles, a huge smile, she must be truly happy. How I wish that was me. 

Not feeling happy lately makes me appreciate all the times I felt happy, comfortable, and safe. Right now, I feel like something bad can happen at any time. Maybe a stranger spills his coffee on his shirt, or a kid falls and hurts themselves, what am I supposed to do? Help? If I hear someone complain about something, I'm afraid I might have an attack and if I hear a kid crying I will definitely stress. I'm a sensitive person, I'm too emotional, and I can cry all day if that's what I want to do. But today I feel different, I'm not the same Cyrus I was months ago. We all change, that's a fact, but we usually change for good and I don't feel that my change is for good. Does that make any sense? I became disinterested in a lot of things and it was gradually, I stopped buying my favorite notebooks, I stopped going to the bookstore, and I stopped feeling motivated to do my usual stuff. I am changing for bad, and I don't know how to stop it. 

The proof is right here in front of my eyes, I'm in the theater but only because that's what I have to do every day, not because I want to be here. I would like to be in my house just staying there because it feels safe and warm if I could I would definitely move everything to my house and just work there. 

TJ's POV

Apparently, the party was the party, Amber and Iris loved it, they were too excited when they started talking about it. They met nice people there. Walker is a social guy which is a good thing because Iris is also a social girl, so they are like the perfect pair of friends. Amber said she met a very nice girl named Andi, she said that Andi's super creative like Walker and that they also work together, and that Andi has a friend who writes plays and that he's currently working in a musical, and now Amber is excited over that musical, she even wants us to go with her once it's released. Amber loves people who make any kind of art, she just loves everything about art and I can't blame her, art it's really something good for our souls, that's why I wanted to go and buy my guitar, I think that creating art is something that helps to heal, not just the person who creates it but the other people who read it, listen to it or that see it, art is a cycle that is composed by the artists and the people who buy or just appreciate the art. 

Art is something that can touch your heart, your person, your soul, and with all the things that have been happening, art is the only way I see a light on this road. 

I've been analyzing what happened, but I still can't accept what's happening to me... or why is this happening to me. I can't say it's anxiety, because I'm not an expert. I can't diagnose it but what if is anxiety? What if I really have this? I don't know how to deal with it, I don't even know what is it or why it happens or... well, I don't know a single thing about it. I don't know who I should ask for help, should I look for an expert? Or just leave it the way is it.  

Sometimes I just wish to meet someone who suffers from this too, someone who is as clueless as I am, or maybe someone who actually knows about this and they're suffering too. I just want to meet someone who understands, who really understands, what this feels like. I read that when you suffer from things like this you tend to think you're the only one going through it, the only one who's suffering, the only one who feels that way, and I'm not going to lie, I do feel like that, that's how I'm currently feeling, just looking at Amber and Iris being so happy about everything and then there's me, struggling with how I feel. I want to say "Hey, I'm feeling like hell, somebody help me, somebody talk to me" but I can't because of two reasons: I'm a coward, I can't tell them that; and: I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want to have all that attention. I don't think I deserve all of that. 

I just worry too much over everything, I don't know if that's something good or bad about me. My parents usually tell me I worry way too much and that it's a good trait but personally, I don't see it in the same way, worrying too much about everything is something that has stopped me in many ways. 

"Teej you're not coming?" Amber asks me.

"Yeah, I'll go" I don't even know where we're going. "Where are we going?"

"To meet Walker!" Iris says with the biggest smile in the world. 

"You have to meet him, he's amazing" Amber grabs my hand. 

"Oh... okay" 

So we're going to meet Walker. I can't meet him, I'm not ready to make new friends. I'm never ready to meet new people or talk to them. I can't do this, I can't. I need to get out of this but I've been using my parents as an excuse a lot lately they're not going to believe me anymore. Oh, TJ, what are you going to do?

Cyrus' POV

"So, Walker invited us to eat. Amber and Iris from the party are coming too with one friend" 

"Sounds great, I can't wait to eat," Buffy says as she looks at her phone. 

Oh no, I have to go and eat with new people... I can't do that, that's too much pressure.

"I can't go" Both of them are staring at me with that what the hell you just say look. "I have to go to the bookstore, there's this book I need..." 

"We all can go with you," Andi says as she looks at Buffy. 

"No! No, no, no, you go to eat, I can go alone, I have some stuff to do at my house after all" 

"If you insist" Buffy grabs Andi's hand. "Let's go to eat I'm starving" 

And now I'm free from that situation. I don't have the stability to meet new people right now, or well, to make friends only because they're friends with my friends. I don't want the awkward silence for the first twenty minutes until I have to ask them things. I usually start conversations with others, sometimes it's a compliment, and other times it's a joke, I like to make people laugh, it's a good feeling when they smile because of what I said. But right now, I'm not in the mood for doing that, that's why I'm walking to the bookstore, a good way to distract myself from all the recent events, to just look at all the books they have and, maybe if I'm lucky, to buy one. 

I need to find my inspiration back. I can't concentrate on anything when I try to write something for my script, every minute that passes is a wasted one, I could be writing at this moment, I could be feeling what I'm writing, I could even imagine that I'm one of the characters so my writing could be even better, but instead, I'm here, walking, trying to find something that makes me say "this is it" and have all my ideas and my inspiration back. But all I can do is wait. 

Maybe making new friends can help me in some way, but I need to find someone who sees things differently than I do but who at the same time knows and understands what I'm talking about. Maybe someone who might be going through a bad time so I can use their experience, their feelings as inspiration because when I write I try not to make it about me. I search for people who can inspire me to write. If I need to write about love I go with Andi and Buffy. When I need to write about traveling I go with Bowie and Bex. When I need to write about music I go with Jonah, I always have someone I can look for when I need that inspiration. 

What if I find someone who's struggling with something similar to me, having these attacks and all? I can't find the inspiration in me, but I can find it in someone else. 

The vibe of the bookstore is what I needed, the people looking for new books, and old people enjoying a coffee while they read the book they just bought. Yes, this is what I missed. 

"Sorry," I say as I bump into a guy. He's tall and blonde, and looks like might need some help.

"Oh, it's okay, I'm... okay... I'm... I'm just looking at the books" He tries to smile but you can tell by that smile that he's not okay... it's the type of smile I did with Andi before. 

"I can recommend you a book if you want” I don't know why I'm trying to talk with him, but that's what I'm doing. 

"Uh... thank you, that would be nice" He looks more relaxed. 

"This is short and a good one, well, if you haven't read it before" 

"I haven't, I heard of it but never read it, thank you again" He takes the book. 

"Oh, it was nothing..." Tell him your name c'mon. "I'm... Dennis by the way" Who in the world is Dennis? I don't have the face of a Dennis. 

"I'm... B..." I couldn't hear what he said... too bad. 

TJ's POV

"I have to go for a book, it's for my mom she asked me to buy it" Lying again, TJ?

"We can go to the bookstore before eating if you want to" Amber suggests.

"No! I don't want to ruin your meal, Walker must be already waiting for you" I just don't want to meet new people, please, girls.

"You're right, we should be on time" Iris looked at Amber as she was asking ‘what now?’

"Well, we have to go then... good look with the book" They wave at me. 

I walk as fast as I can, I need to get a book... which one should I buy? It's been a while since I read one, and my mom doesn't like the ones I read so... I might need help. But the idea of asking someone to help me is not the best one. I'm already feeling how my heart is racing. The idea of talking to a stranger and asking for help... I can't do it. 

I don't know anymore if I'm walking or running. I enter the bookstore so fast and then I start to slow down when I feel the calming vibe of it... it's nice. 

I feel something in my shoulder. 

"Sorry," A guy says to me. 

Now I have to be polite. I have to be nice and kind, show a smile TJ, show a smile. 

"Oh, it's okay, I'm... okay... I'm... I'm just looking at the books" Why am I nervous? Oh, help me. 

"I can recommend a book if you want" Well if he's offering his help...

"Uh... thank you, that would be nice" Because I really need a book so Amber and Iris don't think I'm a liar, even if I am one.

"This is short and a good one, well, if you haven't read it before" I never in my life have read Romeo and Juliet, I'll take it. 

"I haven't, I heard of it but never read it, thank you again" Yes. I want to end this conversation. 

"Oh, it was nothing..." He looks like he's about to tell me something else. "I'm... Dennis by the way"

"I'm... Brian," I say as I go to pay for the book, it was barely audible for that guy. 

Now with the book in my hands, I can go to my house and rest. 

Chapter Text

TJ's POV

Not wanting to meet Walker a few days ago was actually a good decision. My mom was really happy about the book I brought home and also surprised. I never liked these kinds of books, so I avoided reading them, on the other hand, Amber loved reading them so she usually did my homework and I paid her, so it was fair... right? 

And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't read the book that guy recommended to me, my mom seemed to love reading it so I did it too, we finally had something good to talk about, not awkward moments where she pretended she hasn't been crying or me pretending that I'm okay and I haven't cried or that I haven't had an attack at the park with someone else's coffee on my hand... yeah it's so much better. 

"Hello? TJ?" Amber's voice made me realize that we were talking on the phone. 

"Yeah... I'm here, sorry, what happened?" 

"I was saying that you can stay at my house tonight, Iris can come too, I don't want to be alone" Of course she doesn't want to be alone. 

"I'll be there, it's going to be our fun night" I try to say in an excited tone.

"We can watch some movies and sing with the karaoke that my mom has" I can already hear our terrible singing brothering Amber's neighbors.

"I can play something for you both..." I say mysteriously.

"You've been working on music?" 

"Kind of... if you call what I do music" I laugh, a genuine laugh. 

"It is music!" 

"You haven't heard it yet," I say as we both laugh.

"I know" She's laughing. "But I know it's good okay?" 

"Okay you'll find out tonight" 

"Fine see you tonight" 

"See you" 

Amber's been dealing with something too; I don't know what is it but I think she'll tell us tonight, maybe I should tell them about what's been going on with my family. My parents haven't talked to anyone about this, including Amber's parents, they want to deal with this alone for a while. When they feel ready they will tell everyone about it. But maybe I should tell Amber and Iris tonight, it's been some time since it happened, and I will not tell them the whole history you know, all the attacks thing... I can't tell them, especially, about the attacks. I'm not ready for it. 

But about why I've been kind of distant with them, why I've been avoiding going to places or why I've been in my house with my parents almost every day... I really want to tell them, but I don't know how. How do you tell your best friends that this has been the worst thing you've been through? Every day when I wake up I feel so exhausted. I wake up to an awful reality... a reality where my parents are as lost as I am, a reality where I have to accept that my family will never be completed again, no more "all the Kippens" in my grandparents' birthday parties or the holidays or my birthday... or his birthday... he will no longer celebrate with us his birthdays and that's a thing I never thought, a thing that probably my brain wanted to erase but now I'm thinking on it. What are we going to do when his birthday is coming? What do you do when someone's, who’s no longer with us, birthday is coming? Cry? Because that's probably what my mother is going to do... and what I will do... but alone. 

Why did this happen? We were so happy, we were a great family, a good team... we were the Kippens, and now we will just be the Kippens with something missing... his essence, his soul, his jokes, his laugh, his particular way of telling stories, he's just not here, not with us and it hurts. It hurts my mother, it hurts my father, it hurts my grandparents, it hurts me... when these things happen you don't know how to react, you don't want to believe it, or at least me, and then when you accept it... you don't know how to live your life anymore, nothing feels right, even laughing or smiling feels like a bad thing but crying the whole day feels wrong, every step you make feels weird, and you can't get it out of your head, it starts to create their own place in there, suddenly you stop living your normal life, your routine disappears, you don't find the same things exciting as you did before, you just ask yourself "What now?". You have this fight with your own feelings all the time, you don't know your feelings anymore. 

Grieving is a strange thing, I never thought it would happen like this, you usually expect it from old people but my uncle was young, I still don't want to know the whole story and probably I will never change my mind but I really want to feel better. There are moments, just like a few hours ago, where I feel happy, well, not extremely happy but in a small portion, and then I feel sad again, I often ask myself will my family be happy again?, but I don't have the answer, obviously. I think that our way, my family's way, of grieving is to deal with it by ourselves and when we think that it's been enough and that we need a hug and comfort words from others is when we will finally tell people about it, people who are close to us, like Amber's family. 

I've been getting a feeling of peace whenever I play the guitar, it makes me feel that I can actually do something beautiful and important with my pain, with all the sad feelings I have in me, with the way I've been grieving... I'm not saying that I wrote like 30 songs, actually, I haven't written any songs I just play the guitar. I let things flow the way they want, I don't create the rhythm, the rhythm creates itself.  

"TJ are you sleeping?" I hear my father almost whispering through the door. 

What is going on? Did something bad happen? Is everybody okay? Oh, TJ move, move, move, you have to know what's happening. 

"I'm awake" I open the door. "Something happened? Where's mom?" 

"She's doing some cookies" 

"She bakes when she's sad, doesn't she?" I never saw her like this. I suppose my mom had never been this sad before.

"Yeah..." He sighs. "I came because Amber called, she told me that you're staying at her house tonight" 

"Oh yes, I was going to tell you, if you want me to stay with Mom I can cancel" 

"No, no, go and have fun with Amber, you deserve to have fun, you're young" Wait... what?

"Thank you" I try not to sound... you know... like... Are you serious? Is this my father? 

He goes with my mother and I'm alone again... looking at the ceiling, his words repeating in my head... You're young. What does he mean? That I can't be sad? That I have to enjoy my life after something so shocking? If that's what he expects... I can't do such a thing, I can't have fun while he and my mom are sad, I would never do that. 

Cyrus' POV

I can't finish the book I bought the other day; it feels impossible to read, this never happened to me before. What is happening to me? Am I turning into another person? That can't be possible... wait but turning into another person could be a good idea for my script... maybe I can add a twist... or maybe not... it doesn't feel like the idea that I want. I still can't believe that I'm stuck in my script for I-don't-know-how-many-days in a row. But something's sure, I had a bit of inspiration while I was in the bookstore. 

Should I go to the bookstore again? You find many people in a bookstore, all of them with inspiring stories that I can take to my script and, finally, write the best script ever, well, not in that way, but the best among the ones I've already written. What do you do when you don't have any inspiration? I've been asking myself this for a while now. 

Do I need to go outside to find inspiration? Can I find inspiration right here in my room? While I'm looking at the empty file on my computer? While I'm sitting in my bed? When I'm looking at all the pictures I have of my friends? I still don't know but I feel that, at least, I can't. 

Good hair crew

Andi:  Guys! I have some plans tonight, want to come to my place? 

Buffy:  Please tell me it's not another party 

Andi:  But you LOVE my parties

Andi:  And it's not a party

Andi:  I promise 

Cyrus:  What is it then? 

Andi:  My parents are going out, they need to go and find something that you Cyrus required 

Buffy:  So?

Andi:  We can just do things, you know, like the old days

Cyrus:  What does that mean? We did a lot of things when we were younger

Buffy:  I would love to watch some movies

Andi:  Yeah we can watch movies and sing and dance

Buffy:  Now you're speaking my language  

Cyrus:  Sounds great

Andi:  I'll be here waiting for you guys

A night with Andi and Buffy may help me to find the inspiration I've been looking for, their stories will definitely inspire me. They for sure have some stories to tell me. We haven't been in the same place for a long time and Andi's house is the best place to talk and laugh and find something that I can write about in my script. 

And I don't have to worry over anything because I'll be in a safe place with my safe people just doing the things we enjoy... well, the things they enjoy, I can't tell if I'm in the mood for watching movies tonight. I hope they don't notice that I have changed a bit. Changing is good, but changing can also be challenging... and the challenging things in life are what make us a better version of ourselves. My challenge is my script, I feel lost and stuck on it, I have the idea of writing something else, but what? I don't have a single idea, what should I change? Maybe different characters? Different time? Adding songs? Dance? What should I do? I'm clueless. I need help, but who am I going to ask for help? I'm still afraid that an attack will happen at any moment, I don't want to feel stressed, I don't want all the little problems to make me feel bad, and I want to avoid them again but I can't. I've been carrying these things for 21 years and I don't think this is going easily, this will haunt me for some time until I decide to find help, but, sometimes that help isn't enough. That's what scares me. 

Many people come to see my parents. All of them expect their son is a model, he has good mental health, he's polite, he's kind to everyone, he even knows these topics, he enjoys what he does, he has a great job, he's so young and very talented... but then, the reality is another, their son, me, is actually dealing with so much stress all the time, he's kind because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, he knows about those things because that's all his parents talk about, he enjoys what he does? Not now, they don't know how stressful it is getting to write a single scene, a single line, I have no ideas, no inspiration and it's getting harder and harder. People usually define you from what they see. I try to look as if nothing is wrong, my life's a dream come true, my job is the best, what's stress? Never heard of it, but when I'm alone... when I'm truly alone, everything hits me, all the things that happened in one day and that I'm trying just to ignore, so I write, I write because I get the inspiration from all those bad things and good things, but lately nothing feels like a bad o good thing anymore... they're just... things. 

Jonah:  Is the good hair crew having a reunion? 

Cyrus:  Yes 

Cyrus:  I thought the girls told you...

Jonah:  They did, I can't go, I have to practice something with the band

Cyrus:  The band? Are you in a band now?

Jonah:  Kind of

Jonah:  For the moment is only Marty and me

Jonah:  We're still looking for people

Cyrus:  I see, good luck with it! 

Jonah:  Thank you, have fun with the girls

Everyone can tell that the good hair crew is only Andi, Buffy, and me and that Jonah is only close to us, I still haven't found out if he's a member or just a close friend. 

TJ's POV

After hesitating if I should go to Amber's house and leave my parents alone or stay with my parents and try to cheer them up... I'm on my way to Amber's house but on the long way, I want to buy another book for my mom, who knew that she likes Shakespeare? Maybe if I buy her another book and we both read it she may feel better, but when it comes to my dad, I still don't know what should I do, I can try buying more Legos. 

I don't have a clue what other book is the best for my mom. I don't think I will find someone who can tell me, who offers their help, like the guy from the other day, he looked like he knew what he was saying, and he sounded confident. I wish I was as confident as him, but we can't have everything in this life, right? I always wanted to be more confident, maybe that's my problem, I'm too shy and introverted. I'm too comfortable to have just two friends and stay like that, if I made more friends, if I was more confident the attacks may not be happening. Well, no, that's a stupid idea, even people like him can have attacks like me. No one is safe from them. 

The vibe of the bookstore is really calming, I should come more here not just when I don't want my mother to be sad...

"Hey! We see each other again" Someone says behind me. 

"Excuse me?" I turn to them. Who's this? "And you are?" 

"I'm Cy... I mean" He clears his throat. "I'm Dennis" Who's Dennis? Oh wait, he's the guy who helped me with the book, he's just wearing sunglasses... in the store... cool. 

"Right, you helped me the other day!" I smile awkwardly. How could I forget him? 

"Yes, did you like the book?" He finally takes off his sunglasses. 

"It was interesting... funny" 

"Funny?" He has a confused expression. "How is Romeo and Juliet funny?" 

"Uh... well... I found it funny... is something wrong with it?" Not everyone finds that book funny. I need to ask Amber.

"Of course not, there's no problem... is just... is that... uh... I never found it funny" He smiles. "You must have to tell me your perspective..." He looks at me as if he's waiting for me to complete his sentence. 

"What?" I ask truly clueless about his sign. 

"You told me your name the other day but I couldn't hear you clearly" He's right. 

"Oh... I'm Brian" I smile. Sure, TJ your name is Brian. 

"Brian... that's a cool name" 

"So is yours" Well, Dennis is a better name than Thelonious. 

"What are you doing here? Are you looking for another book? Do you need help?" He's too nice to me... why? 

"Actually, yes, I was looking for another book from the same author" 

"The same? Don't you prefer something different? A new style? Maybe from a woman?" He asks too many questions. 

"You sound like an expert" I stare at him... confused. 

"I like to read a lot" He smiles again. He can smile so easily, I could never. 

"Then I'll listen to whatever you recommend me" 

Dennis is an intriguing person, he talks about books as if he actually knows them, not because he's a fan, but because he sounds like he has experience with them. I never heard Amber talk like that about books, not even when she was doing my homework and I was lying in her bed just listening so I wouldn't be clueless at all. But Dennis is different, maybe he likes books more than Amber... 

He gives me the book he considers I will like and then he leaves the bookstore, this time he was the one who left me without hearing what he said before walking away. 

Maybe I can be friends with him, he looks like a cool guy, he can totally help me with the books I want to give to my mom... and in some way, I felt comfortable around him, that's a good thing because I usually don't feel like that with everyone. He looks like a social guy who reads a lot of books and who probably has many of them in this house, but he still looked as if something was worrying him... I know that because that's how I look when I worry over something... anyway, I will probably see him again, but right now I have to go to Amber's house or she'll be worried. 

The way to Amber's house is easier than I remember, but with many people walking in the streets, honestly, I prefer walking less from my house than from the bookstore, since when does Shadyside have so many people? But I'm almost there, almost... just a few steps more.

"Why it took you so long? You live near my house!" Amber is there at the door with Iris waiting for me. 

"We thought you weren't coming," Says Iris with a worried look on her face when she sees me a little... bad? Maybe all those people in the streets made me feel something, like in the café the other day. 

"I wanted to buy a book" I try to compose myself.

"Another one? Since when do you like to read?" Amber is very confused. VERY. 

"I thought it was nice to start reading" 

"Oh" That oh coming from Amber is kind of scary. 

Cyrus' POV

"Alright, Cyrus you're going to the bookstore" I see myself in the mirror. "And you will find the inspiration you've been looking for" 

Yes, I'm on my way to the bookstore, something happens in there... it gives me peace, and it has interesting people. I need to watch them and maybe talk to them, in that way I will find my precious inspiration. I just need to watch their expressions, the way they speak, the way they hold the books, what are they wearing, how they style their hair, if they're tall or short. I have to look in their eyes, people always have things to hide in their eyes. Our eyes reveal secrets. They express when we are tired, sad, happy, angry, in love... they're magical. When you look someone in the eyes you can feel so much, some people have a mysterious look, or that they need help, you can always count on the eyes whenever you want an answer. And right now, I need an answer, where has my inspiration gone? 

Hopefully, there's someone interesting at the bookstore. I don't know how is this going to help me, but since I always use other people's stories when I write, meeting someone new may help my poor brain and imagination. I can't imagine the scenes anymore, and it's a bit alarming. 

The moment I entered the bookstore I could feel that vibe, the kind of vibe I needed, again, it's funny how I avoided coming to this place, and then, out of nowhere, this place is helping me. I have the feeling that this place is going to become even more interesting and good for me, maybe is the feeling of being surrounded by books and people who love books. I can see someone with a thriller in their hands, a guy with some poetry, and an old man with a classic, all of them may be good options for my writing. The person with the thriller gives me the vibe of a character who knows a lot of crime stuff, they may help in solving a case in my script... but I'm not sure about writing a thriller, that's not my style. The guy with the poetry... interesting... I can make the main character who's a fan of poetry and maybe they can write poetry too, maybe he meets someone who gives him all that inspiration to write poetry, he can be deeply in love but the other person doesn't know, they're just living a normal life without knowing that he writes the most beautiful verses for them... maybe that's too romantic? It's a good idea after all. But the old man with a classic... maybe I can write something inspired by that period... no, I don't think is a good idea, I'm not that talented... I only have a possible candidate, that's actually sad. 

I'm looking for more people and then... him... the guy I couldn't hear his name, in the bookstore again, is this my lucky day? I approach him.

"Hey! We see each other again" I say behind him. 

"Excuse me?" He turns to see me. "And you are?" 

"I'm Cy... I mean" I clear my throat. Did I almost say my name? "I'm Dennis" He's staring at me as if he actually didn’t know who I am, come on I helped you to pick a book remember? Wait... I'm wearing sunglasses, that should be the reason why he doesn't remember me.

"Right, you helped me the other day!" He smiles awkwardly. He's really tall.

"Yes, did you like the book?" I take off my sunglasses. He needs to see my face clear of course. 

"It was interesting... funny" Funny? Is Romeo and Juliet funny? Who's this guy again?

"Funny?" By the tone, I said that, he might get that I'm confused. "How is Romeo and Juliet funny?" Please explain yourself. 

"Uh... well... I found it funny... is something wrong with it?" Well, there are different people in the world...

"Of course not, there's no problem... is just... is that... uh... I never found it funny" I smile. "You must have to tell me your perspective..." I look at him, waiting for him to finally tell me his name. 

"What?" He's really clueless about it. 

"You told me your name the other day but I couldn't hear you clearly" I just want to know your name so we can be friends, please. 

"Oh... I'm Brian" Brian... it's short, I like it. 

"Brian... that's a cool name" 

"So is yours" Alright, I told him that my name is Dennis when I'm actually Cyrus... 

"What are you doing here? Are you looking for another book? Do you need help?" Maybe I ask too many questions but it's just that I'm curious about him, maybe he can help me to find my inspiration.

"Actually, yes, I was looking for another book from the same author" 

"The same? Don't you prefer something different? A new style? Maybe from a woman?" I can recommend a thousand books, Brian, just ask me to and I will do it.

"You sound like an expert" He looks confused, maybe suspecting. I don't think so, he doesn't look like the type of guy who goes to my plays. 

"I like to read a lot" I smile again. I need to make him think that I'm just a fan, I will tell him that I write later. 

"Then I'll listen to whatever you recommend to me" He really needs help...

Brian is a quiet guy, he's just here, beside me listening to me talk about all these books. He can't decide which one he's buying. Maybe I'm talking too much, but it's just that I love all writing. He has a serious expression, he's just staring at the books in my hands and not my face. I suppose he's shy, he has that vibe, the introvert one, but he has a strong presence... and he looks like... I'm not sure but he's going through something hard, something bad. I can see how my phone is brothering our, well, my talk. I give him a good book, one of my favorites, I say "See you later" and I leave the bookstore. 

Good hair crew

Andi:  Where are you, Cyrus? Your house is not that far

Buffy:  Cyrus please come, Andi and I were making muffins and something went wrong

Andi:  She's lying everything is okay 

Buffy:  I'm not lying

Buffy:  *picture* 

Buffy:  We burnt the muffins

Andi:  I can't believe it, Buffy 

Buffy:  What? 

Andi:  You sent the picture to everyone 

Andi:  Check your Twitter miss-lies 

Buffy:  Why are we texting if we're in front of each other?

Andi:  I don't know 

Andi:  Oh wait 

And that was a weird conversation between them, I can't believe they burnt the muffins, they could just wait for me but they burnt the muffins. Well, muffins are hard to make, I know, I'm not going to lie, even cookies are hard to make, I'll just buy some muffins at the café. 

TJ's POV

"So, you bought a book because you like to read now?" 

"Amber, this is like the tenth time you have asked me" I look at her. "Now I like to read, people change" I turn to Iris. "Right?"

"He's right Amber" She smiles but I'm sure she's done with us. 

"It just... it doesn't make sense" And she keeps going. 

"My mom asked me to read it, she wants us to read things together, she says it helped her" 

"With what?" Iris asks. With what? With what TJ? Answer, come on.

"Yeah, with what?" Amber has this look in her eyes, she wants the truth. 

"Hey, who wants a milkshake?" I stand up and walk to the kitchen. 

How is possible that I can't tell my best friends about this? Why can't I say "Girls, my uncle passed away, we're going through a difficult time"? I really want to know why. I trust these girls with my life, they've been always there whenever I needed help, but this is different. They know something's going on, I can feel it, and all I have to do is look at their faces... people are expressive, we can't hide our emotions or concerns. And they're worried, what if they already know? Did my father tell Amber's parents? Is she waiting for me to tell her? Why does Amber's kitchen feel so suffocating? Something's going to happen. I'm not ready for it. 

"Need help?" Iris says as she and Amber enter the kitchen.

"It looks like he already forgot the recipe" Amber starts grabbing all the ingredients. 

"Yeah, that happened" I grab my throat. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I need your help with this, girls" 

"I don't mind helping" Iris smiles at us. But she keeps staring at me. It feels like she's scanning me and looking for secrets. Maybe my behavior hasn't been the best. 

I feel nervous just by the way Iris is looking at me, she looks like she knows something or maybe she's looking for something, but what? Does she suspect something? Is that why I'm here? Is it something bad? Did I do something bad? What happened? I have too many questions and zero answers, but that's normal because she can't read minds. 

When we finish the milkshakes we're just talking about many good things. Iris said that Walker is going to teach her how to make a sculpture, and she's excited, I can't imagine what she's going to do... wait... what if that's the reason she's been staring at me? She's been looking at Amber too much, is she going to make a sculpture of us? But isn't that too difficult? 

Amber said that now that her parents are traveling a lot, she has been feeling lonely, and that's why she asked us to come. I can't imagine how she feels, well, maybe I know how is it to feel lonely but not in the same way. She feels lonely because her family is traveling without her, I feel lonely because I don't think I'll find someone who can understand how much I miss my uncle. I really miss him and without him... I feel lonely. 

Just thinking about him makes me feel sad or maybe I'm just sad. How much is this going to take? Grieving, I mean. 

Cyrus' POV 

After buying the muffins I'm on my way to Andi's house, I hope they still have the muffins they made, so I can see it with my own eyes and laugh, but in a good way because we're friends. I still can't process how those two women did such a thing, they make amazing cookies and kinds of pasta. Muffins were supposed to be easy for them, they could do everything. 

Well, I'm finally here, let's see how it goes. 

"Hey," Andi says with a smile.

"Hello, where are the muffins?" 

"We burnt them Cyrus" I hear Buffy say as I walk with Andi into the house. 

"I thought it was a joke" 

"Do we look like we're joking?" She says staring at me with her competitive look. Her ego must be broken right now. 

"I bought some muffins" I show them the box. 

"Oh, Cyrus, you're the best!" Andi hugs me. 

"Come on Buffy eat one, here's your favorite"

She takes the muffin and we start to talk. I didn't tell them that I met a guy in the bookstore and that I lied about my name. They don't need to hear that, they are too busy talking about what they do. Buffy is talking about how everyone has gotten better at dancing at the theater, and she's right, she's a good teacher and she has good students. Andi talks about the gallery, they're preparing for an exhibition and Walker is going to do a sculpture. She doesn't know what she's going to do for the exhibition but she will do something amazing, every time she makes new art it's better than the other, she's that talented. I don't know what to talk about, for the first time in a long time I only want to listen to them talk. 

Suddenly, right when I think that I'm in a calm space, something feels off, my calmness is gone, the girls are still talking but I can't hear what they're saying...

"I have to go to the bathroom" I try to walk as fast as I can until I finally find it. 

I sit on the floor, that's the quickest move I could do. How is this happening again? Here at Andi's house? Why? I'm here alone, hyperventilating. I'm hyperventilating and my first idea was coming to the bathroom, you're a genius Cyrus, a genius. When is this going to end? I had a great day. This is going to happen even in my good days? I can see how Andi's bathroom looks smaller, I'm staring at my shoes, trying to breathe correctly, but I can't. 

I can hear my name in a very weak voice, almost like a whisper.

Cyrus! Cyrus! Cyrus! 

Cyrus is struggling with something right now, for the next time, call before the next attack. 

TJ's POV

"I'm happy you guys came, feeling lonely is the worst thing in the world" Amber hugs us. One of those hugs. The best ones. 

"Girls... something happened" I'm sure my voice is loud but it felt like a whisper. 

"I knew something was going on with you" Whose voice is that? I can't identify it. 

"What happened Teej?" Who's this? 

The same feeling, I can't hear anything, I can't breathe, I can't see clearly, I'm just sitting there. I decide to stand up and go outside, running. I barely can see, I keep running until I sit on some bench, did Amber and Iris try to follow me? Absolutely, and they probably were yelling "TEEJ" "TJ" "THELONIOUS" "HEY" "TJ WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" but I'm fast... fast and having an attack on some bench. I can hear how my breathing is too accelerated, I can't speak, I really can't speak. I try to say something but I'm just trying to breathe, trying to survive. I'm starting to accept that this is going to be my new normal, the attacks will happen at any moment even on the good days. I just want to know why is this happening. 

How do you get used to the idea that you will have to deal with attacks that come from nowhere? The idea already makes me want to throw up. 

I'm feeling dizzy, I still can't breathe, or hear, or speak, I have tears in my eyes. 

Hello, this is TJ Kippen can someone hear me? I need help. 

Chapter Text

TJ's POV

My breath is finally normal again. I don't have an idea where I am, all I know is that I'm alone. Well, I'm not completely alone because a cat is sitting next to me, staring at me as if I was an alien or something but I suppose it watched the whole thing.

"I'm fine little friend" I look at it.

How am I supposed to go back with Amber and Iris after I did that? I ran away from them. But I'm an adult and I have to go back there and talk to them because that's what adults do. Right? This is funny, I'm sitting on a bench with a cat next to me, and we're both staring at each other as if we were going to solve our problems with that. What kind of problems can this cat have? no, I shouldn't have said that. Maybe this cat has even more problems than me. I have to be empathetic with it. What's wrong with me? I'm talking about a cat instead of going back to Amber's house. 

"What should I do?" I ask the cat. 

"Yeah, you're right... I have to go back" I stand up. "Thank you, little friend" 

What am I going to say to the girls? I don't know. Do I even have an idea of what to tell them? No. Do I want to tell them? Hell no. I'm stuck in this. I can't just tell them "Sorry, I had an attack" and pretend that nothing happened. They didn't see me in that state but they will definitely ask me about it and I don't know what to say. Maybe I can buy something and tell them "I forgot to buy these, that's why I left like that" it sounds stupid... but I have to try it. I do stupid things all the time so... let's go, maybe I can buy brownies, they like brownies... and coffee! They for sure want some coffee. The café is not that far as I know, I better keep walking. 

Okay TJ let's practice, what are you going to say?  

I don't know what to say. Well, I'm not telling them about the attacks, of course, I've said that like a million times, but I will tell them about my uncle. They'll understand, they only want the best for me, so I'm sure they're not going to push me to tell them more or something, and even if one of them wants to, the other will just say "No, let's give him time", so I'll stick to that. I know them better than anyone else. It's not going to be a problem. I enter the café... woah, the last time I was here I left running and had an attack... but everything is better now... I know it. 

"I don’t know what happened to Cyrus"

"Me neither, he was just talking, and what happened? He's still in my bathroom"  

"You know, we shouldn't have left him alone"

"We only came to buy some brownies, I'm sure that when we come back, he'll be still in the bathroom"

"I’m worried about him"

"Me too Buffy, I feel like if we did something bad to him"  

"Don't think like that we didn't do anything to him"  

"Then what happened? He got bored with our conversation?"

"Maybe"

"But he loves to talk, did you notice that he didn't say much?"  

"What is he supposed to say? I work with him, I already know what he does"  

"We don't know it all"

"You're right"  

Oh TJ, stop listening to what others are talking about. This is such a bad habit, I have to stop doing this, but the poor guy. TJ you have to focus on something different. What should I say? Again, I have this on my mind, and I still don't know how to answer myself. 

After some minutes in the café waiting for the order, I'm finally on my way to Amber's house... but slowly. I'm taking my time to think a bit more, I don't know what are Amber and Iris going to say... or do... what if they are out there looking for me? It may be dangerous. Oh, what have I done? What if something happened to them? What if they are hurt? Or lost? What the hell am I doing? I have to run not walk slowly. I have to go and make sure they're okay, safe, in Amber's house waiting for me and not looking out for me outside where they can be in danger. Sometimes I'm so stupid. Now I'm running to Amber's house, trying not to let the coffee fall from my hands, so I'm not exactly running, I'm more like walking but faster, not much in my mind, just all the bad things that could happen while I was occupied with my attack back there and then in the café. How much has it been? Like 30 or 40 minutes maybe, I left them for 30 or 40 minutes, I know I can't be a hero or that I can protect them because they're much stronger than me, but I'm worried, I'm very worried. I'm outside Amber's house, hoping that they are here... and then...

"TJ!" Iris' voice sounds, she's in the window. 

"Teej!" Amber appears beside Iris. 

The next thing they do is run to the door and open it, they both hug me, they were worried I could feel it, their hugs are too tight, and their expressions look like an "Oh, thank you, you're alright" and I'm okay, physically I'm better. Mentally well? That's different. Iris takes the coffee from my hands and they lead me inside the house. Amber looks at the brownies and smiles, I know the brownies were a good idea. I can feel something weird, a strange vibe. It's obvious that they're giving me time, but do I really need time? It should be easy telling them but it's not, it feels like every time I think about telling someone about my uncle my brain and my body say "I don't think so" and everything becomes difficult, I can't talk or breathe correctly and all I think is "this is the end, this is it, I can't do it anymore" and then I usually have an attack and then I don't know what to do, I want to scream what's going on with me but I'm afraid of it. I need some signal, something that tells me "You'll be okay" but I keep waiting and nothing, I feel like I need somebody, but I feel alone even when I'm with my friends... how? I have to be brave and tell them why I've been so distant lately, I'm not going to tell them why I left running, but I already have that covered. 

"Girls" I make a pause. "I'm sorry for leaving like that" I look at them.

"Yeah, what happened?" Amber asks while she takes a bite of the brownie.

"I... I didn't want to you look at me in that state" 

"Which state? You look fine to me" Iris looks at me in a confused way. 

"I know we have been friends for so long but every time I think of this thing I cry and I don't want to worry you" I look at my hands, they're starting to shake. 

"I don’t get it," Iris says. 

"What's going on Teej?" Amber asks. "You know you've been..." And I interrupt her. 

"My uncle passed away" Silence fills Amber's kitchen. "It's just that..." I can feel this thing in my throat. "That we haven't told anyone, we're trying to..." my voice is starting to crack. "To... deal with... with this on our own..." This is exactly what I was avoiding. "And... and..." The tears are here, I can't talk. All I do is cry, I can't even look at them. 

I feel Amber and Iris' arms around me, they're hugging me, trying to comfort me, they're saying nice things to me. They are really trying but why do I still feel bad? Broken? 

Cyrus' POV

The attack is finally over but I'm still sitting on the floor, waiting for the girls to call me again, I'm sure they were the ones behind the "Cyrus!" but right now I don't hear them outside, maybe they're on the couch staring at their phones while I'm here. No, something's not right, they're always talking with each other, and it's like they never run out of topics, maybe I should go outside, but I don't want to, Andi's bathroom is looking so much better than before, everything is different once the attacks are over, it costs me a little but I feel better, I'm feeling better right now, not enough to go outside and talk with the girls about this, let's just say that I feel better in my own way, at my own pace... but I definitely need to think of something to tell Andi and Buffy, I can't say "Sorry I had an attack in the bathroom, but I'm back 100% better than ever" because I'd be lying, I'm not better than ever, I'm not even better, maybe I can tell them that I have a stomachache, that has to work, I can tell them that before coming here I ate something with my mom from a restaurant she likes but the food was not good for my poor stomach and I felt the effects when we were talking and the first thing I thought was running to the bathroom because they know I have a delicate stomach, that has to work. 

I leave Andi's bathroom with confidence, my confidence but no one's here. Did the girls really leave me in the house alone while I was having an attack? Well, they don't know about the attacks so I understand why they left, but where are they? Something important happened? Did they tell me but I couldn't hear it? Okay, now I'm worried about them. For how long I was there? How much time it has been? Where are they? Why do I keep asking things to myself when I don't know the answers? 

"Cyrus!" Andi's voice makes me react. "You're not in the bathroom anymore" She smiles. 

"Well, that's obvious Andi" Buffy says as she passes me a coffee. "We bought you a coffee" 

"Thank you" I was about to drink it when... the lie I prepared! 

"What happened to you? You stayed in the bathroom for more than twenty minutes" Andi asks me and then she drinks her coffee.

"I have a stomachache, I'm sorry, I ate something with my mom before coming here and you know..." 

"You have a delicate stomach we know that," Buffy says. 

"In that case, you shouldn't be drinking the coffee, I'll make you some tea, it's better for you" Andi grabs my precious coffee and leaves to the kitchen. 

I can't say another thing, I'll just drink the tea, I can't risk it all for one coffee, I know I love coffee but I can't tell them about my attacks. I'm not ready to do that. Yes, they are my best friends, I have trusted them my whole life but well, this is a serious thing and I need to be sure of what is happening to me before I tell them anything. I will tell them... someday, but not today, yeah not today, this is something I want to figure out before telling them. I want to understand why this is happening but I can't tell my parents about it. I don't want them to know about this yet, I want to do it myself, I need to do it on my own. I might be wrong about it, I might need someone else's help but right now I don't want it and I think I don't need it, I can do this, I can do a lot of things and this needs to be one of them. 

The girls have been there always, but this feels different, I'm here with them, we're laughing and eating brownies, drinking coffee, and tea, we're just spending time together just like in the old days, but on those days, we spent the time at the spoon. I really miss it... it feels like it's been a whole life since then. Now we all have jobs and more stuff to do, we have more stress, or at least me, I live stressed all the time, my life is not easy, and their lives either but somehow, I feel like I'm struggling more than them, I feel like the only one who's struggling in this way, that's why I don't want to tell them, they look like they enjoy what's going on in their lives but I'm not, I feel pressured, stressed and sad because I can't end the thing I'm starting, I'm talking about my script, my damn script, I wish it could write itself because I don't know what to write on it, it's driving me crazy. But my main point here is that I don't feel comfortable and secure with my best friends anymore, I feel alone in some way, and that scares me. 

Am I broken in some way? Do I need some fixing? Why do I feel like this? Alone. All alone. 

TJ's POV  

It's been two weeks since I told the girls about what happened to my uncle and it's been two weeks since I had that attack and ran away from them, I thought telling them was going to make me feel better but I feel even worse, they're always looking at me with those looks, you know the one's that say "oh, poor TJ, I can't believe it, he needs to be protected" but I'm fine, well no, I'm not fine, I know it, I keep having attacks, they're unpredictable. I had one while I was eating the other day, I had one when I was waiting for something my dad wanted, I had one on my way to the bookstore, and another one on my way to Red Rooster Records. I've been avoiding getting out of my house, I haven't seen Dennis in two weeks, he might think I don't want to be his friend or something like that; for almost a week I've been avoiding Amber and Iris and since then day I've been avoiding everyone else. Marty has left me a lot of messages but I don't want to answer. I can't even look at my phone sometimes. If grab it, I only play games but I don't text anyone. Am I doing the right thing? Doing this is the only way I feel, kind of, better, I say kind of because I'm still getting the attacks and I can't stop them. Maybe I should try and go outside, it's been two days since my last attack, and maybe it will help me. 

Or maybe not, I'm still debating it. I don't know what to do and I can't ask someone for help. At this point, I think it will be better if I look for a professional but I don't want to. I only want to do this myself but am I able to do it? I'm not confident enough, I worry too much, sometimes I find a way to solve things but when I can't I feel even worse... that's how I've been feeling, worse, every day when I wake up when I eat when I just breathe... I feel worse, I feel hopeless... like am I living my life right? Am I active enough? I feel really alone even with people around me, even with my parents, they can't imagine what their son is going through right now, they don't have an idea, and I don't have an idea, I keep trying to live my life the way I always did... but every time I do something I feel bad, I start to feel sick, and playing music is the only way I can calm myself... I wish I could scream how I feel, I wish I could tell everyone "Hey, I'm struggling! I have mental health problems, someone help me", but guess what? I can't do it, I'm scared of it, I'm scared of asking for help, I'm scared of what people will think of me... I'm really scared of it. What would my friends think of me? Are they going to look at me like a freak? Are they going to still love me? How am I going to survive this? When is this going to end? Am I staying like this for the rest of my life? How do I live with this? Am I sick? Why can't I answer these questions? 

The sadness that comes with grieving, this feeling of emptiness in your soul, not everyone feels the same, but that's how I feel, I feel broken, and uncompleted, something's missing in my life, something is happening with me but I don't understand. 

I need to go to the bookstore, they for sure have books that are going to help me with this, with the attacks I keep having and what is causing them, it's easy, I only have to get out of my bed and do it, go outside, walk, buy the books and come back to my safe place... my bed. 

Come on TJ you can do it. You're capable of it. 

And that's it I'm on my way to the bookstore. My parents aren't home, they've been visiting my grandparents, my whole family is struggling with this, we don't have much idea of how people deal with this, and my mom just wants to be with her mother and hug her, comfort her, she lost a son, she must feel like hell, I feel like hell. I'm sure she's even sadder than us, well, you can't level sadness, it's not a competition, we all feel things differently, we are just humans at the end of the day. 

As I'm walking and thinking, I can see in the park someone who looks lost, and anxious. Like, the way I suppose I look when I have an attack... and yeah, I need to help them. Maybe I didn't say it before but deep inside I really wish someone would come and help me when I'm in that state, so I have to help them. The closer I am I can see who is it... it's Dennis... he... he suffers from attacks too. Maybe that's why I felt so comfortable around him... but TJ focus! You have to help him, but how do I help someone who's having an attack? I barely know what to do when I have one, how am I supposed to help somebody else? I have to try, come on Thelonious. I just said my name and not my nickname so you know I'm serious. 

I approach him, he's sitting on the grass looking at his shoes, trying to breathe correctly... Now I'm scared, he looks really bad... what if something happens to him? I don't know what to do... or maybe I do? Probably not, I'll just do what I consider is correct in these situations.

I sit in front of him, but he doesn't see me, of course, he can't, I can barely see what's going on around me when I have an attack. I try to call his name softly... I don't want him to get scared of me... after a few more "Dennis" later we finally face to face... he looks... afraid. I start to breathe the same way he's doing it and slow down once he starts doing the same as me. He's looking at me... right in the eyes... I feel kind of intimidated, I don't even know where I got the courage to do this... to come and try to help him... he's getting better, and stabilized, and now is the time when I have to be even braver and talk to him. 

"Are you alright now?" I place my hand on his shoulder. 

"Yeah... thank you" He looks a bit embarrassed. 

"You have attacks too huh?" I say, not fearing anything right now. 

"You have attacks too?" He asks me... very surprised. 

"Yeah," I smile kindly at him. "I don't know if I did the correct things to help you... it was just... my instinct" I look at my hand... still in his shoulder... I move it to my leg. 

"Well, I guess you did... I feel much better" He's staring at me... again... I feel intimidated. "I'm glad you found me" Wait... what? How do I respond to this? 

Cyrus' POV 

"Cyrus, you've been off of everything, please focus on this," Buffy says to me with a mad tone. 

"Cyrus, we're running out of time and you're not you these past weeks," Cece says this time. 

"What are we going to do then Cyrus?" Bex asks me. 

"You took a week of vacations and the place is a mess we needed you but you don't know what to do to solve this? Cyrus, it's your musical" Buffy keeps talking... moving her arms with a disappointed face... while I'm standing there listening to every single one of them saying bad things to me. 

Since the attack I had on Andi's house, I have been a little distant from everyone. I'm not answering phone calls or texts, I even took a week off the theater because I'm way too stressed with everything. My attacks are getting worse, they come from nowhere, even when I'm enjoying a movie or when I'm writing my script, that damn script, it's getting on my nerves again. I'm writing it but it's awful, boring, it's just not good and that stresses me out. I haven't visited the bookstore, I haven't seen Brian, he's an interesting man and I can't talk to him and get the inspiration I need because my attacks don't let me and I feel bad, I feel really bad but I can't say it, everyone expects something from me and I can't let them down. I need to be strong and ignore my stress but with my attacks it's impossible. I can't find an exit from this. 

Everyone is disappointed, everyone is mad, and I still don't get what I did wrong. They're trying to tell me but I hear them at the same time, my mind can't get the words, there are only voices, different voices that keep playing in my head, all I understand it's "Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus" but not in the same way I did in Andi's bathroom, these are mad, these are telling me to give more, to solve whatever is making them feel this way, but I don't have a clue of what to do. 

I can feel how another attack is coming. I'm feeling the same way I've been feeling these past two weeks. How am I going to get out of here when all of my crew is yelling at me? 

"I will fix it, I have to go" I shout to everyone and start walking, almost running, away from them. 

I start to run, I don't know where I'm going, I'm just letting my legs do the work, I feel overwhelmed, I'm disappointing everyone... my musical is going to be a failure and people will say "Poor kid, I thought he was talented", my career is going to stuck right there. 

I sit on the grass, apparently, I'm at the park, alone, I stare at my shoes, again, I'm repeating what I did in Andi's bathroom, the only difference is that I don't see the park as small as her bathroom. This is not getting better... I'm not getting better. 

I hear someone calling a name... Dennis... Dennis... Dennis... is that Brian? Is he here? Looking at me in this state? I look at him after he says my "name" a few times more... Yes, it's him. It's Brian. His breathing is the same as mine... is he having an attack too? Or that's how everyone breathes? 

I can notice how I'm feeling better, my attack is passing. How I'm getting better?

Brian keeps staring at me, it looks like he wants to say something. 

"Are you alright now?" He places his hand on my shoulder. 

"Yeah... thank you" I feel embarrassed, he had to see me like this...

"You have attacks too huh?" He... he just said that? He has attacks too?

"You have attacks too?" I ask... surprised... extremely surprised. 

"Yeah," He smiles warmly. "I don't know if I did the correct things to help you... it was just... my instinct" He removes his hand from my shoulder.  

"Well, I guess you did... I feel much better" I look at him. He did this by instinct? He's really something else. "I'm glad you found me" I mean it. I'm grateful it was him. 

He stays quiet. Surprised. 

"I'm glad I found you" He smiles. "I know that these things feel like hell" He's right. 

We stay in the grass, not talking. Just enjoying each other's company. For the first time in weeks, I feel comfortable... secure. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus' POV  

“Since when you have them?” I ask Brian as we’re looking for books. 

“It’s been like a month” He looks at me. “And you?” 

“It’s been like a month too” I look back at the books. “I was about to go to my job and I had one…and they haven’t stopped” I sigh. 

“It’s frustrating, isn't it? It feels like they’re going to last forever” 

“I know! Every minute feels like an hour” 

“And all these other things like dizziness, headaches…” He’s looking at a book while listing some physical symptoms. 

“Chest pain…it’s awful” I interrupt him. 

“Yeah...those too” He smiles at me. 

“You know…I don’t know how to react to the fact that both of us have to deal with…” I can’t even say it…

“The attacks?” He whispers and I nod. “Me neither, I actually avoided talking about this with everyone because I never thought someone else had them too” 

“I thought the same thing, I used to feel like the only person in the whole Shadyside dealing with this” 

In some way I feel comfortable with Brian, he actually understands what it’s like to have an attack…because he has them too. I’m not sure of telling the girls about this, well I’m not sure of telling them a lot of things. But especially this one. 

Honestly, I believe it’s good to have someone like Brian, you know to talk about our stuff, I still don’t know why he has the attacks and I’m not sure why I exactly have them but maybe he can help me to understand it and well, I can help him with whatever is going on with him. It has to be mutual, that’s how friendships work…and at this point, I start to question if I still have a strong friendship with Andi and Buffy, they talk about a lot of things, they share so much with me but I don’t do the same, I keep hiding stuff from them, they do so much for me, well, not with the attacks of course, but with everything else. I mean, Buffy works with me, but why I don’t feel connected to them anymore? What’s going on with me? We’ve been friends for years, we lived so much together. Why am I distancing from them? 

Brian and I spent about two hours talking at the bookstore, he’s a nice guy, we talked about our issues, I couldn’t tell him that I’m working on a musical as the director, I told him that I was part of the staff with some friends, I told him about how stressing it was for me and he actually listened to me, he paid attention to every word that came from my mouth, I told him how I truly feel and how I’ve been dealing with the attacks and all the bad feelings, about the physical symptoms. He talked about his stuff too, he lost a familiar, he’s going through something really difficult right now, I can see why he has the attacks, well, I think I know why. Losing someone is difficult, some people can handle it too well, they continue with their lives normally, but, there are other people…they take more time with this stuff, they don’t know how to react because everything happens so fast, one day they’re talking with them and then they receive the news, it’s shocking, they stop living the way they were used to and everything remembers them. The first kind of people have they moments where they miss this person when they cry, but they keep living, they set their minds to keep going no matter what, they lost someone but life continues, and no, this doesn’t mean that the others don’t know this, because they do, but their mind keeps recalling all, what they used to do with this person and what they liked, every single thing revolves over the person they lost. They know that life continues but they don’t want to move on because it could feel strange. 

And it’s interesting, that this happens to him, he’s the second kind of person I was talking about, he’s still stuck on what happened, and I know it didn’t happen like years ago, he needs time with this, it’s still too fresh. The feeling of losing someone it’s the worst, you start thinking about all the things you didn’t say and you wanted to say and now you can’t say. It makes you feel bad and your days start to be different, they all suck, and you feel trapped. But at the end of the day, you keep breathing, existing, living, and you have to move on, it hurts but it’s what you need to do. Everyone does it at their own pace. It’s normal and it’s valid. 

“Cyrus!” Andi’s voice sounds. 

“What?” I shake my head a bit.

“I asked what do you want to eat” She’s been really talking to me and I didn’t notice it.

“Whatever you want to eat, I’m fine” Yes, I say it, Buffy face says it all, she knows something is going on. She knows me. 

At this point, I feel like I’m just trying to survive, from what? I don’t know, why? I don’t know either, all I know is that every day feels like a labyrinth, like a scape room, I need to find how to get out of it but it takes time, then when I finally close my eyes I’m out, I’m free, and then…I wake up again, the same routine, the same feeling. And I hate that feeling, the feeling that you don’t know what you’re doing with your life, that you don’t know anymore how to live, you feel like a zombie but with a job and responsibilities that make you feel even more tired than you were before. Telling the girls that I will eat whatever they eat is not something I say often, I always know what to order but this time I’m too tired and distracted to think about food. The attack I had before is still rounding my mind, it felt so bad, the pain chests that been happening with my attacks it feels awful, the very first time I felt one I thought “this is it”. That’s how I felt before. And then…Brian appears, he was there at the right moment to do the right thing. 

TJ’s POV 

Dennis and I stayed in the grass for a while, the silence was good, maybe something I needed, not the kind of awkward silence I’ve been having with Amber and Iris but an actual comforting silence, maybe it was because I saw him having an attack…would it be weird if I say that I’m happy he has them? I mean, not in a bad way because they feel like hell, but that it feels nice to know that I’m not the only one, he’s struggling too, he’s suffering too, he has problems as I do. The problems are not something that only you have, there are people out there with problems too, we all have problems, I already knew that but I never believe it until today, until I saw somebody else having an attack in the same place I had one, when I saw him I felt something, I still don’t know what, but I did. He looked like he needed help and that’s what I gave him, my help. For years I thought I helped people, but I never saw the results of it, every time I told the girls what to do the things went a bit out of the way they wanted, but that’s their fault, I mean they’re asked for my help. But it’s not the same, not even close, this time my help was the right thing to do, maybe I can’t explain it with words but the way it felt, I felt useful, I can’t help my parents or myself but I helped him, probably it looks like something small but I helped, he said that he was glad I found him. The time we spent at the book store wasn't enough, we wanted to talk more about our attacks, we’ve been having them for almost the same time, that’s curious, without knowing it we were struggling with the same thing at the same time. And that’s how life is, you know, you might be living with all those troubles in your head and then you explode, then something happens, you’re broke in a good way because that exact moment is the one that you will be remembering for the rest of your life. 

The things I say don’t have much sense, what I’m trying to say is that, no matter what happens to me, my first attack will be following me for the rest of my life, I don’t think I will be capable of forgetting the feeling. There are moments in our lives that stay forever with us, we carry them because they mean something, they become our soul scars, not visible to everyone, not even to us, but you know they’re there, existing. 

“I work at the theater, I’m part of the staff, things have been a mess lately” Dennis says. He must have a lot of work every day. 

“That sounds like too much stress for one person” I look at him. I usually don’t look at the people much when we’re talking because I get nervous, but I can look at him and feel…nothing…he’s just another person…like me…nothing special. 

“It is” He looks at his hands. “What about you? Do you know why you have the attacks?” 

“I’m as clueless as you” I say. “But…” I continue. “I lost a loved one recently, it’s been hard” Did I just say that to a guy I just meet but took me weeks to tell the girls? YES. 

“I’m sorry for your loss” He looks at me, he doesn’t have that look in his eyes, you know the same Amber and Iris have every time they see me. “It’ll get better, just give it some time” 

“How long it takes? It’s been over a month” I feel something in my throat. 

“I can’t tell…” He places his hand on my shoulder. “There are things we can’t control…this is one of them” I can’t speak. “It feels like hell, I know that” 

“Yeah, it feels like that” I try to control myself.

“But you know what? Emotions remind us that we are alive, if we don’t feel anything, what’s the point? You feel because you’re human, you feel like hell because you’re human” He’s actually wise. 

I found out today that Dennis is a really good person, he kept thanking me for being there for him and he kept telling me nice things about my…loss…is weird once you say it like that, this is the first time I say that word…loss…it makes sense because I lost an important person to me, someone who always made me laugh, I lost him. This word never made sense until today, until I heard somebody else saying it, not Amber, not Iris, Dennis…it’s funny to think that we are now friends…well, I think we are friends but I shouldn’t say it that early, right? Maybe he doesn’t look a friend in me…or he does? I’m not sure, I have never been good at getting things like these, it took me a while to accept that Amber was my friend…and I was a kid then. I’m already 21 and I still don’t know about this stuff. I’m not sure how attacks happen but it looks like…it feels like he, Dennis, had that one because of the stress he has in the theater, it must take his time and patience, I could never do that. But there’s something…

There are things we can’t control…this is one of them, those words keep ringing in my head, I know he’s right but I thought I could control a scenery like this but I can’t, we can’t, something deep inside me used to think “this will not last long” but it’s lasting…why? I wish I could do something about it but I can’t, I don’t even know how to live with this. I still don’t know. Maybe Dennis does? Or not? I don’t get why I think things this much, why I’m always overthinking. 

Should I finally check my phone? Searching something…but what would I search? This is stupid. Well, maybe I should read my messages. It’s been a while and I feel better now…now that I know there’s someone else out there with the same problem as me, are attacks a problem? or they’re just…attacks? 

Marty:  Hello TJ, can we meet I want to ask you something? 

Marty:  It’s important

Marty:  Whenever you have the time, just tell me

Marty:  Did you change your number? 

Marty:  TJ are you there? 

Marty:  I really need to talk to you 

Marty:  I’ll give you some time 

Marty:  It’s been two days, are you there? 

Marty:  Are you ok TJ? 

Marty:  Please answer me

Why does Marty need me? What does he need? What happened? Did he saw me getting an attack? Does he know about it? What should I do? 

TJ:  Hello Marty what happened? 

A message should solve everything, right? 

Cyrus’ POV

Do you know what I like about brand new days? Exactly, that they suck, I have to go back to the theater and talk to everyone since our musical premieres in two weeks, how do I even have time to eat and sleep, I don’t know, seriously I don’t know, well, I don’t sleep that much, I’ve been getting some trouble to sleep, my eyes don’t want to close at night and brain doesn’t help, it keeps thinking a lot of stuff, mainly ideas for my script…my musical premieres in two weeks and my script is still uncomplete. How am I supposed to feel? This not the Cyrus everyone knows, when they find bout it at the theater, they will be shocked, no one expects this coming from me. I don’t even expect it from me, I thought I was going to finish it but every time I try to, I feel sick…you know…sometimes I even have attacks, it’s not funny, it’s never been funny. 

Cyrus Goodman struggling to write a script, sounds great for everyone that thinks I’m talented, I don’t know if I’m talented but I do what I like or that’s what I thought, I’m starting to believe that I was just lucky, I was lucky enough to start writing and get a job, and try to balance my life with it, my friends did the same, we work hard, but they look happier than me, they’re enjoying what they do…and I’m getting stressed…how do I tell my parents? I always ask myself what should I do?  But never get an answer. I still don’t get what’s wrong with me these days, am I too stressed that I can’t think of anything? Or simply I have to quit writing that script and look for another idea? Or I have to work even harder? I can’t do anything with this block, my brain doesn’t want to generate more ideas, good ones, I’m probably just bad at this, this might be the end of my career and it only took one musical and many plays to happen. I’m still young…why do I feel I can’t do anything right? I used to do everything, I was like a superhero in my friend’s eyes and now…you know how it’s been going. Every day, the way to the theater becomes not long enough, sometimes I only want to stay at home, going there has caused me attacks…I don’t even want to think about the premiere, there’s so much pressure, you can feel it when you walk into the theater, everyone is stressed, worried, doing their best and I’m glad, they have been working so hard all this time and I’ve been missing, I’ve been off, I just want to run away from everything but I can’t do it, I’m a professional at this, I should act like a leader. 

“Cyrus? Are you okay?” Cece appears in front of me. 

“Yes, I was thinking…we have so many things to do” I smile. 

“Of course we have” She pats my arm. “You must be nervous” 

“I am…I think everyone is nervous” I look at her. This woman is the strongest person I’ve seen, she’s been here working with me since the first day, she has to do everything alone when I felt bad, she’s the real hero from this musical. “You’re not nervous?” 

“No” What? “I believe in you and your talent, you created something beautiful Cyrus” She smiles at me. 

She actually believes in me, she must have high expectations over the musical, what if turns out to a horrible disaster? How do I explain it to her? To everyone involved in this musical? The pressure’s too much for me at this point, I just want to be at home, sitting in my bed, far, far, far away from this place that’s been causing me a lot of stress, a lot of sadness. Buffy’s right here, next to me talking about something she did with new friends, I don’t remember the names but they’re both women, she also says that Andi’s on her way to the theater, they want to go out with me because I’ve been distant lately. They think that the cause of it is the musical, they think I’ve been working harder these days because it’s almost the premiere…how do I tell them? It’s not the premiere it’s me, I’m the problem, everything’s my fault, if something goes wrong then everyone will point at me, this is not going to be on the actor’s hands, or the technical team, or the choreographers, or even Cece, it will be me and I haven’t been more scared in my entire life, I’m scared to fail. This is new to me. I’ve always been confident about everything and now I’m questioning all. I’m afraid and this is not something nice to feel. 

TJ’s POV 

“Why are you asking me to join your band?” A band? Me? In a band? How can someone think about it, I’m not the type of person who likes crowds and all the eyes on them. 

“Just think about it, me in the bass, Jonah in the guitar and you in the keyboard” Marty keeps talking about me joining their band. “We only need a drummer and that’s it” He claps, like if he just did a magic trick. 

“We really need someone at the keyboard and Marty says that you’re amazing with it” Marty’s friend talks this time. 

“Guys I haven’t play in a while an…” 

“Please TJ, you’re amazing remember? You have it on your veins, you’re talented, let’s do this” Marty looks at me, his eyes are begging me to join. 

“Alright, I’ll do it” Marty and his friend hug me and thank me. 

“I’m Jonah, by the way” He smiles at me after hugging me. Well, he could tell me his name before hugging me…a complete stranger to him. 

I have this habit of agreeing to almost everything people ask me to do, my parents know that most of the time I can’t say no, and honestly is because I don’t want to disappoint the person, they are expecting something from me and saying no…I just can’t. But the thing about being in the band it’s scary, I can’t even talk properly to strangers, how am I supposed to play in front of other people? When I play the keyboard or the guitar it’s amazing, I feel like a new person, like a TJ I never met before and I like it, I like the feeling but one thing is playing at my house and another one is being part of a band. I said yes without thinking, and now all the bad things that could happen are making special trips in my head. What if I have an attack right before performing? How do I explain that to Marty and his frie…I mean, and Jonah? How do you talk about attacks with people who don’t have them? With Dennis was easy, he understands what this means, he knows about them, he has them, he's as normal as I am but for the rest, we might be weird, strange, because, well, how many people someone knows that suffers from attacks? Not many I suppose. 

What are the chances that we all know someone who suffers from attacks? I know Dennis now, but before? There was no one, that’s why I used to think I was the only one but I’m not, finding him made me realize that there are more people out there who are suffering from this, who have to deal with what I'm dealing with, that I'm not alone. I decided last night to try to keep going, I will live my life with this thing, with my uncle always in my mind, never forgetting him,  I'll be living one life for the two of us, or at least I’ll try, I couldn’t sleep just by thinking and thinking, my head was making so many noises and they all told me to try, try to keep going, and that’s what I’m going to do, I can’t guarantee anything because still hurts and the pain is going to stay, my sadness will continue, the way I can’t express everything I feel will continue, my crying at the night will continue but me too, I keep closing my eyes with fear and open them relieved because I’m still here, breathing and living, maybe I’m not in my best moment, maybe my mental health is damaged in some way, maybe the attacks keep happening without a warning, but I have to keep going, keep breathing, keep living. 

 “Hey, Brian!” Dennis is in the same place, waiting for me with a book in his hands. 

“Hello!” I smile as I approach him. “You look better than yesterday” I say checking on his face. 

“Thank you” He smiles. “But I’m afraid an attack might happen at any time, the theater has been a mess today” 

“The big day is coming and everyone’s freaking out?” I ask, he looks kind of stressed, worried. 

“Yeah, I’m scared something bad happen that night, what people will say?” 

“Well, they’ll probably criticize the director not the rest of the staff” He looks at me, his eyes want to say something but his mouth is still closed. 

“You’re…right…” 

Every time I see Dennis, he has that look on his face, that something worries him, or brothers him, but he can’t say anything, he can’t ask for help, which makes things harder because if he doesn’t want help…how can I help him? Well, I helped him yesterday with his attack and he looks relaxed after that happened, we’re just sitting next to each other, not talking, just in silence, the silence of the bookstore and actually is comforting, his presence’s comforting, it feels like we…we’re friends.

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

Tomorrow is the big day, the premiere is finally happening, everyone is nervous, everyone wishes each other good luck, some of them look happy and I look like I just got hit by a car, I haven’t slept well this whole week, I stayed awake until 7 a.m. today and got 3 hours of sleep, I don’t want to drink coffee because it doesn’t matter, I can stay awake or at least for some time, once I’m home I take naps, that’s what I’ve been doing this week, it’s the only way I can sleep, sometimes I take a nap at 6 p.m. and wake up at 10 p.m., but it’s just that I feel extremely tired, always sleepy but once the night arrives I can’t sleep. Last week I couldn’t sleep until 9 a.m., I had the feeling that something bad was going to happen…and guess what? Nothing happened. I really thought it was like the end, the real end, I kept repeating the words this is it because it felt like that. Besides that, the days weren’t that bad thanks to Brian, he’s in a band now and they finally found their drummer, it looks like there are some bands here at Shadyside, Jonah has one with Marty, Brian is in a bad too, Jonah told me that they were already complete so it can’t be the same one. 

If you think things in the theater were a mess, then think it twice because right now it’s the real mess. How are we even surviving this? I don’t know, we all are trying our best. I’d be lying if I say that I’ve been good these weeks but no, I’m getting worse, the other day I almost have an attack in front of my parents, it was an intense moment, I still don’t know how I did it but I made it to my room and the rest is history. But right now, the only thing on my mind is the musical, and how this is going to be big, there’s so much on the table tomorrow night. How are the others feeling? Are they as nervous as me? Will they forget something on stage? What if the band cancels? What if I forget my grand closure speech? Many things could happen and I’m not ready for any of them. I’m going to have Buffy next to me and Andi in the crowd, they’ll definitely save me if something wrong happens, right? They’re my best friends in the whole world, they must know how nervous this makes me, how I can barely breathe, this makes me feel bad, I thought the bad part was the rehearsing but no, the bad part is this, it’s not planning a musical and rehearse with the guys, looking for a band, looking for someone to write the songs, the wardrobe, the makeup, the script, all of that was stressing and made me feel like crap but now, this feels more real, it feels like a real nightmare. Normal plays? Everything was perfect. Nervousness? Yes, but not like this. This time everything feels different, maybe it’s because I’m too afraid to have an attack on the stage. 

“Hey, Cyrus! See you tomorrow!” Buffy says as she waves and smiles at me. 

“See you tomorrow!” I wave at her and try not to look that worried or nervous. 

“We have to talk” Andi gives me a coffee. 

“I’m trying not to drink much coffee these days” I found out last week that coffee makes things worse. 

“Oh” She takes a look at the coffee in her hand. “Then I’ll just leave this to Bex and we go for a tea” 

On our way to the café, Andi’s pretty quiet, she’s making me nervous, maybe something happened, is everything alright with her? Her parents? Cece?! Or maybe she found about my attacks which only makes me even more nervous. But think Cyrus, she could not know about them because you haven’t seen her in almost a week, but what if she saw me the other day with Brian, we were talking about our attacks. Maybe I’m going too far, it’s impossible, right? 

“Here's your tea” She smiles. 

“Thank you” I look at the tea right in my hand. “What were you going to tell me?” 

“Oh, that” She looks at me still smiling. “Do you already know what to wear tomorrow?” 

So that was the question, the big question, the one that made me thought the worse scenarios…a simple do you know what to wear tomorrow, I’m glad it’s something like that but on the other hand I feel like this is the dumbest question. However, I answer her, a real and honest no, because I don’t know what I’m going to wear, I have most important and urgent things in my mind than just some clothes, but in some way she’s right I need something impressive to wear, it’s the big night after all. She also asks me if she’s invited like, she really expected me to ask her to come but she’s more than welcome to see my work and her grandmot…Cece’s work, she’s my best friend and Cece’s granddaughter. But yes, I got her some tickets earlier, she can invite some friends if she wants, she knows a lot of people and Walker knows a lot of people too, I’m sure she’s going to tell him about the musical. But, how many people actually like musicals? I wasn’t even sure if people liked plays here in Shadyside but maybe musicals can be a good difference, I mean, we all love to watch movies that have good songs but this is not the same, not even close I dare to say. Movies are great I love to watch Grease with Andi and Buffy; I think that is probably my first inspiration when I wrote this. But getting back to the main point of this, Andi can come, Walker too and all of their friends but my real question here is:  Should I invite Brian? 

TJ’s POV

“That was a good performance Paul” Jonah pats him on the back, he’s a bit younger than us. 

“Thank you” He says shyly but with a real deep voice, not even putting Jonah’s voice with Marty’s and mine can make one as deep as his. 

“You’re in” Marty says as he smiles at him. “He’s in, right?” He whispers to me and Jonah. 

“Of course he’s in!” Jonah says with a big smile. 

“Yeah, you’re in” I smile as shyly as he spoke earlier. 

“You’re exactly what we were looking for” Marty starts talking to the poor Paul. “You were destinated to find us” 

“Marty please don’t scare him” I say. “We’re glad you’re with us in the band, thank you for calling” I try no to sound shy, he only smiles. 

“We can practice tomorrow before 8 pm” Jonah suddenly says. 

“Do you have plans?” Marty asks as if Paul wasn’t as confused as me. 

“Yeah, I have to go to a musical” He’s writing in a notebook. “Here are the numbers of the others” He hands Paul the paper. 

“Thank you” Again, shy. 

“I’m TJ and he’s Marty” I point at Marty and I smile at him. 

“I see you tomorrow, thank you again, have a nice day” Paul says without meeting our eyes and he leaves right behind Jonah who’s leading him to the door. 

And just like that, we have our drummer, if you take some time to think about this, is kind of funny how we got in the band, Jonah and Marty are like the extroverts and me and Paul the introverts. Paul plays extremely well, he’s really good at the drums and now that we have him, we’re going to sound even better. Jonah and Marty have some songs that we’ve been practicing but something was missing…the drums…we needed a drummer and now we have him, I couldn’t be happier for our band. Being part of this band makes me feel good. I’m still thinking of what Jonah said, that he has to go to a musical, I didn’t know he liked musicals. 

Amber and Iris told me, well, they are making me go to a musical tomorrow, they said that a friend was going to get the tickets for them and me, so, I guess I’m going to the same musical as Jonah. But I really hope not to see him there, the girls still don’t know I’m on a band right now and I’m sure they going to start to make a lot of questions about it. The only one that knows, besides the members, is Dennis. We’ve been texting and not meeting because he’s been busy and me too, I try to go and practice with the guys because that’s the only way I’m not thinking of my uncle. The attacks continue and now I barely sleep, well, before I didn’t sleep either but now it’s getting worse, staying awake until 6 or 7 am, it’s a nightmare, I try to sleep but I can’t, I use a thing for my eyes that my mother gave me, I listen to music, to nature noises and nothing, I even tried drinking a tea that’s supposed to relax me but it only makes me stay even more awake, Dennis is having the same problem as I have, we don’t text at night but in the morning we tell each other “I couldn’t sleep all night”, after that I guess we’ll talk more in the night. But the attacks…I really wish they could just go away, it’s so hard to concentrate on anything when I’m always scared I might have an attack in front of everyone else. 

Cyrus’ POV 

I couldn’t sleep again, the whole night the only thing on my mind was the musical and all the things that could go wrong. I’m scared, afraid. I didn’t dare to invite Brian to this, so I’ll just talk about how a big disaster happened and we’re going to laugh. I wish I have the bravery to tell him “Hello, my name is Cyrus, not Dennis, sorry for lying” but I can’t. What if he decides that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore…that’s why my parents told me my whole life to not tell lies. I’ve been thinking about what would happen if I tell him the truth and every time I do it, I just want to forget it, I don’t think a happy ending could be possible. But if I’m honest, I’m dying to tell him, because you know, I don’t even know someone named Dennis and I don’t look like a Dennis. How does a Dennis look like? 

As I expected the way to the theater feels so short, the day feel cold, my steeps make a lot of noise, I can hear them very clear, every step I make means that I’m near from the inevitable event…the musical, they have been practicing the whole morning and now we’re just moments before the grand moment. I stand outside the theater looking at how pretty everything looks from the outside, when you see it from this perspective it looks amazing, beautiful, you only want to enter and watch it…I wish I always had this perspective. Everyone is moving from here to there so fast, everyone looks even more nervous, even Cece looks nervous, I look nervous, I dressed with the best I had, put on the prettiest shoes I own and fixed my hair in a very cool way, you can tell I look good but I don’t feel as good as I look. 

“You’re ready? it’s almost time” Cece asks me smiling, a nervous one. 

“I don’t think so, I’ve never been this nervous before” I place a hand on my chest for a moment. 

“Probably because it’s your first musical” She pats me on my arm. “I’ll go and check if Bex needs some help” 

“Oh yeah, I’m going to stay here if someone needs me” I’m trying my best to look fine, it’s hard. 

In just a few moments more this will start and the potential end of my career too, but I trust everyone here, they can make an amazing job, I believe in them, but a part of me keeps thinking that something is going to be wrong and everything’s going to be my fault and that’s it, Cyrus’ writing career is over, in just a few moments, I will have to find something different to do but I can’t imagine myself doing another thing, I’m already used to do this, every day, I can’t leave this. I need someone to tell me that nothing’s going to be wrong…where is Brian when I need him? Right, I didn’t invite him, he already saw me have an attack before and if I have one tonight, he would be there to help me but he’s not. Will the attacks be over once the musical is over? Or am I have to deal with these even more time? 

TJ’s POV

Amber, Iris and I are already at the theater, they are waiting for their other friends and I sit somewhere far from them so I don’t interrupt them, it might sound stupid but I don’t want to meet their new friends or at least not for now, they made me come to this musical and I wasn’t expecting to sit next to some people I don’t know. I excused myself and sat in a good place next to some old people, the vibe of the theater is really nice but I could never get used to this, maybe it’s too much stress for one person and if I’m not used to this place, I could have attacks all the time. During these weeks I found that my attacks might be a cause of the loss of my uncle, that was the thing that made me explode. 

The musical starts with a really nice scene of a girl, then she meets a guy, it’s a romantic one I guess, it’s cool, sometimes the girls think I should watch more romance movies or tv shows and now read more romance books, I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t love Pride and Prejudice when I read it but maybe I only like certain romance things, since I’m not a fan, but this musical is really good, I like the way the characters are portrayed and the songs are amazing. I try to find the girls in the crowd, it’s a big place and there’s a lot of people, they’re almost on the front next to some girls, their friends I suppose and Jonah? He’s right there sitting next to Iris enjoying the musical, now I’m even happier I didn’t sit with them. How I was supposed to explain how I met Jonah? This is a hard question, just like the one I’ve been asking myself for the past days.  Should I tell Dennis who I really am?  Brian is a nice guy, but that’s the name of a musician I like, TJ is different? Well, his not but Dennis might see me differently if I tell him, I don’t want to risk this short time of friendship we have, but lying about my name doesn’t make me feel better since we’ve been honest with a lot of thing with each other, why can’t I just tell him “My real name is TJ, well, not TJ, that’s short for other names but they’re too embarrassing, I tell you later”, but no, that will definitely sound weird and I want to keep our friendship and not scare him away. 

The crowd stands up and starts applaud, I do the same, the musical is already over, and got lost in my thoughts once again, but told by the music it was a really good one, I might not go to many musicals but this is the best. 

“Thank you for coming tonight” A woman appears on stage. “This was the first musical ever from the man who wrote this, you probably know him very well” She smiles. “He’s a very talented young man, he worked hard for this musical, for you to enjoy this musical” I suppose the guy is going to come to the stage. “I am truly honored to have worked with him during this musical” She makes a short pause. “Please welcome our talented writer Cyrus Goodman!” She shouts in excitement and everyone does too, they applaud again…but Cyrus doesn’t come to the stage yet. “Cyrus Goodman!” She calls him again…and still nothing. Everyone starts whispering to each other about where could Cyrus be? My phone rings, I got a message. 

Dennis:  Hello can we meet at the park, I need you. 

Dennis:  You know which park.

I make my way to the exit, no one notices, they are too occupied whispering about the poor guy, but that name is familiar, I’m pretty sure I already heard that name before but where? 

Cyrus’ POV

The musical is about to end, I see the crowd, their faces, my friends are watching it with a serious face, that’s the way it looks from here, Cece is talking to Bex in front of me, Bowie and Jonah are talking while they read something from a paper, it looks like a new song. The staff is walking, checking everything’s alright. 

“Are you ready? I prepared a good speech when it’s time to introduce you” Cece’s facing me now. 

“Uh-Yeah, I’m ready” I try to smile. Something inside me is telling me to run away, I can feel how something grows on my throat and how my hands get colder. 

The guys sing the last song, the crowd is applauding but I can’t tell if they really like it…Cece starts to walk to the stage and starts saying. 

“Thank you for coming tonight” She starts. “This was the first musical ever from the man who wrote this, you probably know him very well” She smiles. “He’s a very talented young man, he worked hard for this musical, for you to enjoy this musical” I can’t listen to this anymore, I can’t stay here. Everyone looks focused on Cece or on their own things, I walk towards the exit. 

I know I did bad on leaving Cece and everyone like that, but I couldn’t take it, my hands are shaking, I can’t grab my phone, I start writing Brian a message while I walk to the park, my legs start to feel weak too, my vision is blurred and I can’t breathe, I’m hyperventilating, I try to sit on a bench but I fell into the ground. 

This is it. This is it. This is it.  

That’s all I can think about, how long is going to take Brian to come? He’s probably at his house right now and I’m at the park having another attack, alone. I feel someone trying to get me off the ground, they're saying something but I can't hear them clearly. I only hope that it’s not Jonah or Bowie looking for me. I knew that coming to the park was a bad idea but I couldn’t think of other places and even if I tried to go somewhere else, in the end, it was going to be the same…have an attack at the park…again. All I could think about was this bad sensation, the idea of walking to the stage and seeing all those people's faces, including my friends…it’s just something I don’t want to think about anymore, right now I feel I disappointed everyone, especially Cece, she doesn’t deserve what I did. No one deserves it. I left because I’m so afraid right now, if the musical has success then me running away is going to end my career. How am I going to explain this to everyone tomorrow? 

After some time, I’m finally okay, my breathing is normal and my hands aren’t cold anymore, I can see and hear clearly, Brian is sitting next to me on the bench. I’m still not sure how he came so fast to the park but I’m grateful he could make it. We’re not talking, he’s probably waiting for me to talk first, I always talk first, he’s still a bit shy every time I have an attack or when he has one, I’ve been there for helping him too, we already saw each other having attacks. Maybe that’s why we became friends so easily, well, that and the fact that I’m a bit talkative. I decide to talk.  

“What if we run away together?” I ask him. 

“What are you talking about?” He looks kind of scared of what I said. 

“Just for the weekend” I look at him. “We can use a pause from everything” I sigh. “You had an attack yesterday and now I have one, we’re still having them, that’s why I said it” I look at my shoes. 

“Oh…” He doesn’t say more, maybe my idea was too much for him. 

I didn’t explain to him why I had the attack or why I was dressed up so elegantly, at this point my head was screaming “Tell him the truth” but I didn’t, I’m not ready to, potentially, lose this pretty friendship we have. I mean, I texted him to come to the park because I needed him and he came right away, he’s not questioning me about anything but on the other hand, my phone’s screen keeps illuminating every 30 seconds with a new message, I guess the girls are wondering where I am. Brian suggests walking, he says that the air in my face can help me, and moving my legs will help me not to be afraid of not moving them. I don’t know if anyone started looking for me after we started walking, all I know is that I feel more like Cyrus Goodman next to Brian than anywhere else. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

What I was so afraid to happen never happened, I told them I got an emergency and I had to leave, it was easy, nobody complained at all about what happened, Cece was worried something bad might happened to my parents but I handled it, they congratulated me, the audience liked the musical very much. I’m glad things turned out well. After Brian and I started to walk, he told me to make a deal, he said that if things get worse, we will leave for some days, escape from the things that make us stress, the things that make us feel bad, the things that make us have attacks. But can we really escape from them? Is it possible to run away from all these things without them coming back at any moment? How long does it take for these things to get back to us again? How long the peace lasts? The calm? The good feeling? I barely feel happy, there are a few moments that make me truly happy but after that, I feel like every other day, there’s nothing special about anything out there, so, that’s what I’m asking now, running away from Shadyside is the answer? Or is it a stupid idea? 

Thinking about all the things that can possibly go wrong right now if I decide to tell Brian my real name is making me very nervous, I still don’t know where I got the courage to do this, but I already decided it, I’m going to tell him. How? I don’t know. Where? I don’t know either. All I know is that I want to see him and say “I’m Cyrus Goodman, not Dennis”, and he will probably be confused, I can picture his expression and the words “What?”, the tone of his voice and me regretting saying that but still sure of what I’m doing. There’s a possibility that he doesn’t mind about me lying but there’s a big chance of him getting mad, well, I’m not sure, he’s a really nice guy, he understands other people’s reasons and feelings, he tries to be there and give you support. That’s only one of the many things I learned about him. He may try not to be the center of attention because he doesn’t like it but inevitably, he has some appearance that makes people look at him. 

Right now, I can see how a lot of people place their eyes on Brian and how he’s only waiting for his drink, they’re probably impressed by his height, I suppose. I asked him to come here, I’m waiting for the moment I can finally tell him my real name, no offense to any Dennis’ out there. I’m sure of what I’m doing but I don’t know if I’m actually going to do it, I see him, I hear him, I can feel this cool connection between us, how our friendship is getting stronger, maybe this is not the time to do this, but I want to do it so bad, I can’t pass another day without telling him who I am, who I truly am.

“So, how is your tea?” He asks me with a warm smile.

“Great, I’m not used to drinking tea, but it’s not that bad” I smile.

“You said you had something important to tell…” He makes a short pause. “Tell me”

“Uh-yeah, I forgot about it…” I look at him, he’s there, waiting for an answer. This is your time Cyrus. Let’s do it. “I-I wanted to…ask you about the song you mentioned the last day, you said you wrote one for you uncle” Yeah, I can’t do this, it’s too much.

When we finish our drinks, we walk to the park, he’s going to show me, and sing, the song, we already know when there’s no one at the park besides old people walking their pets, the vibe of everything when we are together is just calming, his company brings me so much peace, he really makes me feel comfortable, I can be Cyrus Goodman…but for him, I’m not him…I’m Dennis…and again I have all this stuff in my mind, my head tells me to say the truth but another part of me doesn’t want to do it, that part it’s afraid this, this, could be gone after that. And, it’s not been long but I don’t want to lose this, it’s too soon, I can’t risk it all, risk this friendship, this connection. Brian is now getting ready, he's holding his phone so he can see the lyrics and start singing, then he starts, he has such a nice voice, I’m surprised he’s not the main vocal of his band, well, I don’t know his band yet but he talks about them a lot…his song is so emotional, he really wrote his heart in this, his feelings. Everything is going fine until…

“Hey, Cyrus!” Buffy waves at me and approaches us. I look at Brian, he’s confused. 

“Buffy!” I smile at her. But this is not good, this is not good at all, what is she doing here? Why is she calling my name? out loud? In front of Brian? Why, buffy, why? 

“Where have you been lately? I only see you at the theater” She’s right, I keep avoiding everyone. She notices Brian, she looks at him like she already knows him. “Oh, hey! You’re Amber’s friend, right? I saw her phone screen” Amber? Who’s Amber? And why she knows Buffy? And Brian? 

“Yes, I am, it’s a pleasure” He smiles. She smiles at him too then she looks at her phone.

“Sorry, I have to go, but it was nice meeting you” She looks at me. “I call you later, Cyrus, Andi has some exciting news for us about the gallery” And she leaves. 

I’m staring at my shoes, I do this often, right? That’s the only way I can compose myself when I feel everything falling apart. I can hear how everything in my head is making so much noise, how these walls are falling, how someone is pointing at me and taking off my mask while they're saying “look it’s Cyrus Goodman! Cyrus Goodman! Not Dennis, Cyrus!” and it doesn’t feel nice, I’m falling and I need help. Brian is not talking; he’s waiting for me to say something but I’m not sure if I’m capable of saying anything. I take all the courage I can and face him, I’m about to open my mouth when…

“I’m not blaming you for lying about your name, don’t worry” He keeps staring at me. “I did the same…Cyrus” He did what? What’s his name then? 

“Then…”

“I’m TJ” He gives me a nervous smile. “We both lied about our names, I guess we were destinated to become friends” How can someone joke about it? He’s now making jokes? Like actual jokes? To make me feel better?

“Yeah, let’s not think in all the legal stuff” We can get in trouble for this, right? I’m not sure of it, I’m not a lawyer, damn it. 

“What legal stuff come on, you’ve always been Cyrus and I’ve always been TJ” He raises an eyebrow. “We are still friends, right?” I don’t know what to say, our friends are friends, but will things be the same as they were when we used fake names… “Cyrus?” His eyes are desperately waiting for an answer. 

“I…I don’t know, do you think everything will be the same between us?” I’m scared of his answer.

“Of course” He frowns. “I guess that’s a thing you have to discuss with yourself, don’t worry I’ll leave” He stands up. “It was nice being friends for this short time, thank you” And he leaves…I’m alone at the park, just sitting on the bench. 

What are you doing Cyrus? He is the only person that actually understands you, he’s been there for you when you had attacks, he listened to you complain about everything, why are you letting him go? He’s the kind of friend you were looking for…and now he’s gone. It’s always the same, I make people leave, what a bad habit Cyrus. 

TJ’s POV 

Is it normal to feel empty? I’m immersed in this emptiness since Den…Cyrus told me, well, he didn’t say anything and I only ran away from him, I’m a coward and I’m not afraid to say it, maybe I shouldn’t do that, I’m impulsive all the time, I can’t control myself sometimes and I like to assume things and then I regret it and think about it for hours and hours. What if Dennis, I mean, what if Cyrus was going to say something different? This was a pretty weird way to know his real name and I thought I handled it cool but I was wrong. The girl was with Amber and Iris the night of the musical…wait, it was his musical, Cyrus’ musical! I was at his musical, this whole time his “I work at the staff” was because he actually wrote the musical and was there to make everything function, to direct things. And he was, probably, the guy I switched coffees with, all this time everything was connected to him and I never saw it. 

I have known Cyrus before actually knowing him? I know it sounds confusing, but, right now all I can think about is about how I left him, he was there probably feeling so bad for not telling me this earlier and I left, we have been friends for not a long time but enough to get to know him, he can be pretty emotional sometimes, he might be feeling like crap right now and I’m on my way to Jonah’s house to meet with the rest of the guys. Cyrus suffers from the same as me and I left him…how am I be able to play with all of this in my head? Jonah is talking with Marty about the song we’re going to play, it’s a good one since they wrote it together. Paul is sitting in front of his drums ready for us to tell him “let’s play”, he’s looking at the floor, or maybe his shoes? Just like Cyrus does. Can my brain not think about Cyrus for like two hours at least? Or just five minutes? I need to concentrate. 

“Are you okay?” Paul sits next to me, his deep voice scares me a bit. 

“Yeah, you only scared me” I look at him trying to force a smile, and obviously it goes wrong. 

“I’m sorry” He says immediately. “You seem off like if your mind was somewhere else” He, for the first time, stares at me. 

“Something happened with a friend” I start. “And I don’t know what to do” 

“Maybe I can’t help much but you can tell me if you want, I’m a good listener” He gives me a smile, a nice, tender one. 

“Well…” Just when I’m about to open to him, Marty speaks. 

“Alright let’s start guys!” He looks at us. “You’re finally bonding, that’s great!” He says as he gives us applauses. 

We start to play and honestly Paul on the drums is just what we needed, we sound so much better, he’s our last piece, our missing last piece and I’m glad it’s him. Jonah wants us to sing with him but Paul is too shy to sing with us, me too but I feel this will help me to open a bit more and being more like De…like Cyrus, he’s really an inspiration, so free, so cool…he’s just himself, without any fears. And then there’s me, I'm afraid of almost everything, I can’t even imagine talking in public with people I know, when they are only strangers, talking comes naturally but when there’s someone I know, I freeze and I fill my mind and body with fear...after I joined the band all I was thinking was “what if…?” and all the bad things but when I told Cyrus, he really helped me to get off the fear and see things as an exciting opportunity and unique experience. It’s funny how I can see him as a comforting place, talking with him was my comforting place and I’m not sure if that’s going to be the same or not. It’s too sad now that I think about it. 

After we finish playing for the day, Jonah and Marty say that they’re going to write some songs together and if we want we can write some together, Paul looks at me and he nods, then we leave Jonah’s house together, I thought he was going to his house but he’s walking next to me, not looking at me or talking, he is just there keeping me company, and, I suppose, waiting for me to say something first, that’s what I do with Cyrus, I wait for him to speak first and he always does it. But now I’m the one who has to speak first and, well, I’m not really good with words and Paul is not good with words…we’re an interesting pair. But I have to do it he doesn’t even have an idea of where we’re going, he’s following me and that’s not a good plan, I’m not a good leader. 

“So…” I start, how am I going to continue? Only my brain knows. “Are we going to write a song together or…?” Come on brain, let the words leave my mouth. 

“We can talk about your situation” He completes what I said, still not looking at me. 

“Fine, well, uhm, I met this guy and we discovered that we both suffer…” I’m not sure of what I’m doing but Paul seems like a good keeper so. “Attacks, you know, panic attacks, but he told me his name was Dennis, and today I found out unusually that his name is actually Cyrus…” He’s still quiet, just listening. “And, well, I lied to, I told him that my name was Brian not TJ…and now I don’t know what’s going to happen” 

“Sounds like a pretty confusing situation” He finally looks at me. “But if you’re worried you lose his friendship then you should go and talk to him” He makes a short pause. “You can’t let go of something that makes you feel good” I don’t know what to say, I’m impressed by his words. “And don’t worry I won’t tell about your panic attacks” 

“Thank you so much, especially for the attacks thing” I smile at him, this time a genuine smile. 

“It’s fine, I can keep your secrets” 

“Do you have one you want to share?” So it can equal and I don't feel weird, come on Paul. 

“We can talk about it after we write something, there’s no rush” He smiles. 

Cyrus’ POV

I’m in my room after Brian…TJ, left like that, I’m happy he thought we can still be friends but then he assumed I don’t and left me, this is a new behavior of him, I’m starting to know him more and more as the time passes. But if I’m honest, I feel bad, I’m really emotional, I wanted to cry so bad, I decided to come to my room and just stay here, I wanted to talk to someone about this but I don’t have anyone…or at least someone that will understand this, Brian…TJ was the only one I had and now he’s gone. The only good thing coming from this was that I could finally write something, I’ve been writing since I sat down and my hands touched the keyboard of my computer, I didn't stop, maybe I needed something like that to inspire me? I mean to feel immensely sad thanks to TJ. I’m not saying it in a bad way, I really want to call him, to tell him how he misunderstood everything and that I want us to still be friends and help each other. To let go of this thing since we both lied about our names because everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, we learn from those mistakes, we’re humans, and to be human is to be wrong like we both did. We’re just two guys that have a bond over the same thing but that somehow become close and good friends, and I don’t want to lose that. 

I take a look at my phone, to TJ’s chat, I want to write something but I believe a call is better, but I don’t know what to say, how is that possible? When it comes to TJ I’m speechless most of the time, I learned how to listen better and talk less, to be more patient, and to see the bad side of my actions, because not everything is a fairy tale. I already knew that but it’s nice that someone actually showed it to me and not just as a help for my scripts. Buffy’s calling me, I’m sure she’s going to ask me about TJ. 

“Hello!” I hear Buffy and Andi’s voices. 

“Hello, girls” I say in a neutral tone, I don’t want to show that I’m sad. 

“Buffy told me that you know Amber’s friend, you know he was at your musical, but he sat somewhere else, we couldn't meet him then” TJ was at the musical? Of course, he was there, that’s why he came so quickly to the park. 

“Since when are you two friends?” Buffy asks. “You looked pretty comfortable with each other” 

“It’s been a while” She’s right, I’m comfortable with him. “Girls, I have to go, I’m writing my script right now” 

“Oh! Then we leave you in your creative time!” Andi's voice fills my room before I say “goodbye, I love you” and end the call. 

Now I’m sure of what I have to do, the girls helped me in some way without knowing it, I have to call TJ and tell him, I’m not sure what to tell him but it has to be perfect, I'll have to write it on my computer before I call him.

I make my way to my computer and start typing…

Hello, TJ, please don’t end the call I have something important to say, I’m sorry, maybe the way I reacted wasn’t the best, my intention was to tell you my real name when we met at the café, please don’t say anything yet let me finish this first, I really, really, really want to still be friends with you…don’t you think that we have a beautiful friendship? With you I feel like the real Cyrus, you make me feel safe, comfortable and I would never want to lose this… 

Sound great, right? Now I only have to take my phone and make the call, it’s easy, I shouldn’t be feeling afraid, why I’m feeling afraid of calling him? I can’ feel this way I need to call him now. My heart beats fast and I’m feeling dizzy, my head hurts so much and I feel like I’m going to faint, I was alright, this didn’t happen at the park, why am I having an attack right now? When there’s no one to help me...this is going to last a long time. 

TJ’s POV

Paul is an interesting person, we let our emotions control us and we wrote a good song, Jonah and Marty will be proud of us, seriously. He told me about what he's dealing with, depression, he’s been playing the drums for so long, and every time he plays them he feels, a bit better, in his words alive, that’s the reason why he joined the band, he wanted to feel alive with more people and play for others, he also told me that he really likes us but he’s too shy to start proper conversations with us and when he saw me distracted, he found all the courage to ask me what was happening to me. We walked a lot, we sat on a bench next to the one Cyrus and I had attacks before, and I told him about it, he wasn’t lying at all, he’s a good listener. Talking to him really helped me to understand that maybe I can give the first step and call Cyrus, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, I don’t have an idea of what to say but I usually don’t stick to plans a lot and even if I write something, I surely end up saying something different. So, I grab my phone. But Cyrus is already calling me. 

“Hello?” I answer. 

“Hey” Cyrus’ voice sounds like there’s something wrong. 

“Are you okay? Did you have an attack? It was because I was an asshole? I’m so sorry” I say at once, not giving him a chance to say something. 

“I’m fine now, don’t worry” He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you something…I even write it…let me read it" He makes a pause. "I’m sorry, maybe the way I reacted wasn’t the best, my intention was …” He suddenly shuts up. “You know what? I don’t need to read it” I can hear how he closes his computer. “I’m sorry, I want us to still be friends, you are an amazing friend and sometimes I act like an idiot and my expressions don’t help at all, I hope you still want my friendship” 

He shuts up again, waiting for my answer, but I’m speechless. Come on TJ say something, this is the moment.

“I want us to still be friends too, actually, I was about to call you when you called me” I laugh. “So, Cyrus, let’s be friends, what do you think?” I ask him. 

“Let’s be friends TJ” His tone sounds more relaxed than before. As if he could finally breathe. 

Chapter Text

TJ’s POV

Cyrus and I, it’s funny, right? How it sounds to use his real name instead of Dennis, he didn’t have the face of a Dennis anyway. But now that everything is going great, he’s passing a good time at the theater, his musical is now very popular so he’s been a bit busy and me too, we’ve been practicing a lot, Jonah got us some space to play at Red Rooster Records which is great but it’s also very scary and I’ve been thinking in all the ways this could go wrong like extremely wrong but the guys are so happy about it, Paul is probably happy too, in some way, he’s probably excited about playing for other people, Jonah has played there before so this not new for him and Marty was born to play so they’re actually fine, then there’s me, I’m afraid of what could happen. I don’t think I’m ready for such a thing, playing, in front of more people than Jonah’s mother she’s so loyal to our music…but I guess this is something that I have to do, I mean, that’s what bands do, that’s why I joined them…well, I didn’t join because of it but I know that playing in front of people was a thing we had to do eventually, but why is it so scary? It’s supposed to be funny but I can’t have fun when I think about it. And that’s why I need Cyrus, to cheer me up, to tell me that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that we’re going to be amazing, you know normal stuff friends do…and talking about friends I really have to tell Amber and Iris about the band, they probably don’t know yet and it’s my opportunity to finally tell them. That’s what I’m going to do, one thing at a time, not everything at once as I usually do…it’s going to be great…I hope…

“We have a problem” Marty stares at us, he’s very serious. 

“Is sandwich alright?” Jonah asks while he opens his eyes dramatically. 

“Yes, sandwich is alright” Marty answers. “We don’t have a name” Again, he’s very serious. 

“A name?” I ask. 

“Band name” Jonah says as he looks at me and Paul. “I was so excited about this that I forgot about the name” 

“Then how are we going to call the band?” Paul asks, his question sounds very serious with his deep voice, every time he speaks Marty keeps getting surprised. 

“I don’t have an idea” Marty says.

“Well, that’s an awful name Marty” Jonah smiles. 

“This is a big thing, Jonah!” Marty laughs.

“What about naming us ‘The Sandwiches you know as a tribute to our beloved sandwich” I say. I can hear how Paul is trying not to laugh. 

“You’re making fun of me!” Marty keeps laughing. “We have to be serious guys, this defines us as a band” 

“I thought it was our music style” Paul stares at him. He’s getting more comfortable with us. 

“Yes, that too” Marty turns to Jonah. “What are we going to do? How is Bowie going to introduce us to the public?” 

“The sandwiches is not a bad idea” He answers Marty who makes an offended, but in a fun way, face. 

“What if we think about some names and we vote for the best one” I take a look at the three of them. 

“That’s a good idea” Paul seconds me. 

“Okay, we’re going to do that, we need those suggestions tomorrow before our practice” Jonah tells us. “Now you can leave, my mom is making pasta tonight and, honestly I don’t want to share it with you guys, you eat a lot” He smiles and we all make our way to the exit. 

I’m extremely bad when it comes to names, I mean, I told Cyrus my name was Brian, that’s the proof that I’m pretty bad at this. Well, I consider Marty the worst, why did he name his bass sandwich? But I can win this, this is not a competition but we have to name the band, it’s a good opportunity…maybe I should ask Cyrus for help. That’s fair right? I’m not cheating, I’m just asking for some help, he’s good at writing things. Paul’s walking next to me again, he helps me and I help him, or just we listen to each other, it’s nice to have people like him and Cyrus in my life, he keeps asking about meeting Cyrus because, yes, he’s that kind of annoying friend, he thinks Cyrus and I will become boyfriends someday and I always tell him that will never happen. We’re better as friends, we’re better together in that way not in a romantic one, because I can’t even picture us as a couple but Paul sounds pretty sure about it. 

We stop at the café, both staring at the door, we just can’t decide if coffee or tea is what we need or if we just go for a pizza. Yes, we prefer the pizza, so we make our way to the pizza place, Paul is quiet as always, a quiet man with amazing drum skills, he starts talking, every time he does this he surprises me, he’s says that we should think about the band name together as a team, it could be like that big time rush episode, probably we end up fighting with Marty and Jonah but it may be worth, I suppose. We keep walking until we’re outside the pizza place, he enters and I’m just behind him, then…I see Amber and Iris together with Cyrus’ friends, their talking and laughing. I never felt this fear in my whole life, I turn to Paul and he’s ordering something already, we like the same pizza so that’s not a problem at all, the problem is these girls who are happy and as soon as they see me with Paul everything is going to be ruined, I’m sure of it. Or…maybe they didn’t see me at all, maybe they’re too focused on their conversation to notice me and Paul in here. Please let the last one be the correct option. 

“Are you okay?” Paul asks me. Again, his deep voice scares me. 

“Yeah, I was just…” I don’t have any words.

“Staring at your friends? Why don’t we go and sit with them?” He points at the girls.

“Because they don’t know I’m on a band with you...and Jonah...and Marty” I look at him, he’s staring at me now. 

“Sounds like something you have to tell them, this is a great opportunity” He moves his hands. 

“What? No! They’re with Cyrus’ friends” The ones I’m afraid to meet. 

“So what?” He makes a confused expression. But at the same time, he sees the fear in my eyes. “We can go and eat at other place if you want” He suggests. 

“Sounds perfect” I smile. 

Cyrus’ POV

After some time, I could finish, completely finish my script, I sent it to all the people that have to take a look at it. I have to wait, but I’m proud of what I created, as a celebration I’m on my way to the pizza place to meet Andi and Buffy, and their new friends, I feel like I’m ready to meet them because they’re TJ’s friends too and well, I’m his friend and I want everyone to be friends so I’ll probably be going to introduce the girls to him, Andi will love his music skills. And since he’s in a band with Jonah I guess they are really good friends now, I still haven’t met their drummer or ever listen to their music but I know that they’re good. I’m finally feeling better, or at least I feel that I can live with the attacks now, I still get scared whenever it happens but it’s a normal thing. 

I keep walking, I take a look at the café, I still can’t believe I switched coffees with TJ before actually meeting him, it’s kind of funny now that I think about it, we both needed help and then we met, it’s interesting how things work in this life. I have much to thank him, I’ve been learning so many things since we’re friends, you can actually tell that we’re better together. I enter the pizza place and see the girls talking with other girls, I approach them hoping Andi or Buffy notice me first so I don’t have to interrupt them and start the conversation with their friends because I don’t feel ready for it. Maybe I was sure of coming here but not to start talking to them, I still don’t get what’s happening to me since the attacks but lately, I can’t start proper conversations with others, I feel afraid, I have stuff in my head like “what if they think I’m an idiot? That I’m boring? What if they don’t like me at all? ”, I can confirm that this is exactly what I’m thinking right now, I don’t want TJ’s friends to hate me, well that’s too extreme, to not like me. Maybe it was a terrible idea to come here today, I wasn’t ready for this stuff. I can hear Andi’s voice, she’s trying to get my attention, I was staring at my shoes, like always. I smile at her and make my way to their table, there’s no way I can run away right now. 

“I was getting worried” Buffy says as soon as I take a seat. 

“Sorry, I was enjoying the view” I look directly at the table. 

“The never-changing view of Shadyside, inspiring, right?” Andi jokes. 

“I like it that way because it’s reliable, you can always count on the never-changing view whenever you feel lost” This time I look at her, I can feel how the four of them are staring directly at me, maybe that was too deep? 

“Now I see why you wrote a musical” One of their friends breaks the silence. “But I think you should write a novel instead, I’m Amber” She smiles. 

“Your words are…” The other girl starts. “deep? I’m sorry I couldn’t find the right words, I’m impressed” She keeps going. “I loved your musical, I’m Iris” She smiles too. 

“I’m Cyrus” I smile at them. Then Buffy changes the topic, a dance-related one. 

I’m still not sure why I was so afraid to talk to them, to meet them, they’re actually pretty cool, I can see why they’re now friends with Andi and Buffy, and why they’re friends with TJ. Amber is that type of person that makes you feel comfortable around them, she makes you feel included and Iris is super smart, she’s also very kind and has a lot of good opinions about a lot of topics, I felt like we were old friends catching up what happened during years. Sadly, I got a call and had to go, right now I’m on my way to the theater, feeling nervous since the tone of the call was serious, what could happen? Are there any problems with my script? There’s no way it’s something related to my script, they know it took me a while to finish it but it’s good, it was worth the wait, it’s one of my best works, maybe they haven’t found the right actors for it, it has to be something in that direction. I’m one hundred percent sure that my script is amazing, I’m proud of myself for finishing it and including some personal stuff disguised as interesting points to my main character, I usually don’t do that but I thought it was a good idea, the audience, the actors, nobody will understand it…except TJ. He’s the only one that knows, probably, everything about me, or the important stuff, it’s easy for me to open to him, he’s always there listening but he’s not just there, he’s actually paying attention to me and he asks me things and doesn’t judge me when I don’t want to answer. 

Cece’s there standing next to this man, Joseph, they’re giving bad news, the worst news ever. Cece has a sad face, she feels bad for me, Joseph keeps talking, he’s there with his important look and expensive clothes looking at me, saying all the words I’ve never expected, his tone is so neutral, he doesn’t feel sorry, he’s telling me everything without touching his heart, his cold sentences flying trough the room and landing right in my soul. What I’m going to do now? What does he want me to do? Which way should I take? The man just told me that my script was my worst work, that he needs a new one soon, he even dared to say “you must have more than one script prepared, right Goodman?”, and no, I don’t have another script prepared because this one took me so much time, because this thing pushed me to my limit, because it only caused me stress, this man stresses me a lot, he ordered me to write the musical. Cece knows how much I put on this one and I know she wants to beat him but she can't, I can't, we can’t. All I do is say “I will bring something better, I’m sorry” and leave. The never-changing Shadyside is not enough right now, I’m feeling lost and sad and mad all at the same time, I was so proud of my work and now I have to change it, for him. I need someone to tell me what should I do, which way to go, what to change, what to write. My fingers are typing so fast, as I’m walking, I stop outside the gallery and take a look at everything from the window, how many times the artists were told to change their creations? I look back at my phone and send the message, I need somebody right now. 

TJ’s POV

Paul and I sit outside a store, eating our pizza, quietly eating or at least me, he likes pizza a lot and he tends to make some noises while he’s eating, he also says stuff like “this pizza is so good, come on TJ eat more!” and I can’t eat more when I want to laugh, he’s funny. From here I can see many things I never noticed about Shadyside, the people, their faces, how slow or fast they walk, the other stores, their owners, the trees and flowers, everything, I never took the time to look at this, to analyzing it, Shadyside always seemed pretty much the same, just like another commonplace but it’s not, they have much to enjoy and I just realized it. I live so fast; I always walk trying not to get noticed and not notice anyone else that I never stopped and appreciate what was in front of me. How many problems are out there and I’m always focusing on mine, I never left my bubble before and I’ve been changing that these days, I’m more aware of what’s going on, I need some inspiration to play and yes, I always have my uncle but sadness is not the only thing Marty and Jonah want me to sing about, they want something different like happiness, friendship, fun, love, especially love, they want me and Paul to write love songs but we simply can’t, it’s too difficult for us. I have found on Paul a nice and loyal friend, I know he hasn’t said anything we talked about, he’s always around me and we’re always talking and laughing…and eating, just like Marty and Jonah, the four of us are close now but I’m closer to Paul, he understands me, he listens to me just like Cyrus, but he’s different, Cyrus is just another case, he’s special to me, the very first person I ever talked about my uncle, I opened to him and he did the same, I think we’re connected in some way. It’s still hard whenever I think about my uncle but Cyrus is always there, when I need to cry or when I need to talk or when I have an attack, he’s there with me. 

“TJ I was serious when I said you should eat more, I’m about to finish the whole pizza” Paul says as he moves my shoulder. 

“Oh, I’m sorry” I grab one of the two left slices of pizza. 

I look at him, a handsome guy, a shy one, he’s staring at his shoes just like Cyrus, he stares at his shoes all the time but it feels different when Cyrus does it. Paul tells me that someone sent me a message, I take a look at it, it’s from Cyrus, right when I was thinking about him. 

Cyrus:  Hey, I just had the worst news ever, I don’t feel right, can we please meet? I need you.

He needs me? What could have happened? Paul notices my expression and he asks me about it, I tell him that Cyrus needs me and I have to go, he understands it, he grabs the last slice saying that the next time I should eat more than two slices and smiles, he stands up and places his hand in my shoulder while he says that we can discuss the band name later, then he takes a step to the back, smiling while saying “Good luck with Cyrus”, I don’t know what that exactly means but I’ll take it, I make my way to the gallery, Cyrus said he was there. Right now, I feel like the people before, there was a man who was almost running with something in his hands…a box, a present I suppose, he was trying not to drop the box or hit someone as he was desperately walking, just like I’m doing at this moment. When it comes to Cyrus, I feel like I can do everything he asks me to, I don’t know why but whenever he sends me a text, I feel that I have to go there right away because he needs me. It’s the same with the girls every time Amber texted me because she hasn’t done it lately, I’m already running to her house. I just want to be a good friend to everybody. 

I see Cyrus standing in front of the gallery, staring at the window, I’m not sure if he’s looking at the art or at his reflection, I try not to make much noise and stand beside him, he notices me and glances at me, I do the same, we’re staring at each other, I smile at him, he keeps looking at me but his eyes are filling up with tears, he hugs me before I can say a word. I just let him hug me and I hug him back, in silence. We never hugged before as far as I can remember, we always stayed next to each other but never hugged so this is new for me, I have hugged the girls a thousand times but with Cyrus feels different. He breaks the hug with a barely audible “Sorry”. 

“It’s fine don’t worry” I try to find some of the napkins Paul gave me. “Is it correct if I ask what happened?” I finally find the napkin; I hand it to him. 

“My script was rejected” He starts. “Joseph came and told me that it was my worst work and I need to send a new one…” His voice breaks a bit. “I…I don’t have another one” He uses the napkin. 

“You worked so hard on that one” I honestly can’t believe it. “I’m so sorry Cyrus” I hesitate on coming closer and hug him. 

“I just…I needed you TJ” He looks at his shoes. "I knew you'll make me feel better" 

I decide to hug him, I take one step closer to him and pull him into a hug, he buries his face on my chest as I can listen to him exhale. We stay like that for a while until his phone interrupts the moment, he checks who is it, one of his friends, Andi, one of the girls I saw with Amber and Iris in the pizza place, they have a normal conversation, he’s telling her that he’s okay, I can’t listen to what she’s saying to him but it must be important, a few minutes later he hangs up. 

“Sorry” He saves his phone on his coat. “Thank you” Why do I feel some weird vibe right now? Not in a bad way, of course.

“I didn’t say anything, it didn’t feel right, that’s why I hugged you” I try to explain. 

“No, it’s fine, a hug it’s all I needed it” He smiles. And yeah, I don’t know what to say. 

“You know, I need some help with the band name, you can join me and Paul, we need help and you’re an expert with words” Please say yes. 

“Sounds great” He takes a look at the napkin. “Where’s Paul? We can start right now” 

“He’s probably at his house” Cyrus raises an eyebrow. 

“Then let’s go” He grabs my arm. “When are you guys going to play?” 

“In two days” I answer quickly.

“And you don’t have a name? Come on TJ!” He laughs. It’s nice to see him laugh after what happened. 

We started to walk to Paul’s house. Shadyside it’s not very big so it’s easy to get there, he started to talk about this Joseph and how Cece wanted to hit him, I don’t have an idea who Cece is but I’m happy to listen to him talk. I still don’t know what the name the band will have, but I hope we don’t end with “The Sandwiches” because I was only joking and it would be very embarrassing to be introduced like that. Hopefully, Marty and Jonah have already a good option. But for now, it’s Cyrus’ time to talk about what’s bothering him, this is so much bigger than finding a name for the band. I want to help him too, with his script but I don’t know how. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

Meeting Paul was interesting, I never expected him to have such a deep voice, I was impressed, he’s pretty tall, not more than TJ but still tall, he’s really good at the drums but he’s super bad at names just like TJ, all I asked was for patience, we couldn’t think on any cool names so I guess they will be known as “The Sandwiches”, it sounds like a cartoon band name, come on, but I have other things to think about right now. Since Joseph called my best work the worst one, I have to do something quickly if I want to stay in the theater for a long time, probably still going with the romance stuff, I have some ideas, but how can you write an entire script in a few nights? Well, I’m about to find it out, there’s no sleeping until I finish my script starting from today. I had a bad day so that will help with the inspiration. Because every time something bad happens somehow, I have the perfect excuse to write and it turns out well, uhm, kind of well. It’s interesting how everything went wrong but still, I’m relieved in some way, it may sound weird but everyone fails at least once in their lives, right? How can I know true success if I never failed before? It sounds complicated but it’s not, it’s just things we all do, all the time and I think it’s pretty cool. 

Usually, the things that make my life feel like crap are the best experiences, you know what I mean, I learn from these moments and I keep living even if it feels like the end, someday my attacks will be the inspiration for my best creation, everyone will love it and it’s going to be my thing, like the jump from a boy who writes at Shadyside to something even bigger, but first I have to write this script, I’m still the boy who writes at Shadyside and for now that’s okay, that’s what I have. 

I have to make some space for TJ’s band, I want to see them perform, all of them, I know TJ is talented and now that Paul is also talented, Jonah is talented for sure, I’ve seen him performing for years, Marty is the only one I haven’t seen performing, but I’m sure they sound amazing together, they’re talented. I like to think that everybody is talented in their own way, there are people talented in music, painting, writing, dancing, decorating, playing sports and other things, you can find inspiration in many things, you can transform that inspiration in another thing, whatever you want, using your talent, you don’t have to be “good”, because who determinates what is good and what is bad? All you need is to put your heart in it as I did with my script, not every single person in the world is going to understand your creation but that doesn’t mean is crap, just keep that in mind. 

I make my way to my room, to find Buffy and Andi there, sitting in my bed while they take a look at my books and important stuff or in other words, private, they don’t notice me at first since I didn’t fully open the door, I stare at them and hear what they’re saying, Buffy keeps reading a book TJ gave me, he wrote some notes on it, he wanted us to do that in our favorite phrases or scenes in the books and while reading it she’s smiling, she knows that’s not my style and definitely not my handwriting. On the other hand, Andi is reading one of my favorite books, the one I was planning to give to TJ, I was starting to make the notes for him so we could discuss it later, but right now that book is in Andi’s hands, she’s reading it carefully, her eyes want to inspect the whole page. Buffy tells Andi to check the notes on her book and Andi said the same, they look confused, before I properly open the door, I can hear a “This is not Cyrus, this can’t be him, he never does this stuff”. 

“Hello, ladies” I say as they look shocked to see me. 

“Cyrus!” Buffy smiles, then she glances at Andi who looks kind of scared maybe, surprised is a better word. 

“What are you doing in my room?” I walk to them and take my books off their hands. “And grabbing my stuff” 

“We were bored” Andi says. 

“And my books were the better way to have fun…my books?” I can’t look at my face but I’m pretty sure it says it all. 

“Sorry” Buffy makes her move with her shoulder as she apologies.

“Now” I put my books at my desk. “Tell me why are you here” I sit on my bed, in the middle of them. 

“We wanted to know if you were okay, we suppose your parents don’t know yet what happened so” I cut Andi. 

“Please tell me you didn’t mention it, I’m trying to fix this” I’m not going to lie, my tone is alarming. 

“Relax” Buffy touches my shoulder. “We didn’t say a thing, we told them Andi needed help for something” Relax, how simple it is to say it, a waste of time. 

“Which I actually need” 

“What am I good for?” 

“We need you at Red Rooster Records, there’s an…” Andi starts.

“Event? Someone’s playing in there?” Yeah, as if I didn’t know. 

“Yes! We need help decorating and with the band” Yeah, The Sandwiches. 

“I can help, don’t worry” I smile at them. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with what happened?” Buffy places her head on my shoulder. 

“No, I’m not, but I can work on a new script, the distraction of decorating and the band…” Especially TJ, no wait, TJ and Paul since I like to believe I’m friends with Paul too, so I can talk to them and become closer. “It’s going to be good for me” 

“I didn’t read the script but I’m sure it was amazing” Andi hugs me. “That’s what Cece said” 

“Thanks to Cece then” I sigh. “Well, are you two staying tonight or…” 

“Of course, we’re staying!” Andi’s still hugging me. “You need us right now” I actually need you every time I have an attack too…

“It’s 'make Cyrus feel better time' !” Buffy stands up. “Let’s make the rest of the day better than the start of it” She raises an eyebrow. 

TJ’s POV

I really sorry about Cyrus, he had to stand the stupid ideas Paul and I gave for the band name, he stood here with us for about three hours. Paul played some of the songs Marty and Jonah wrote that made Cyrus ask us if we have written any songs, we said that we did but theirs are better, he was asking a lot of questions and saying interesting for almost every answer we gave him, it was a nice time and I hope we helped him to feel better, he seemed pretty upset about his script. I spent the whole night trying to make a cool name with Paul on discord but nothing came, now, I’m with Paul alone in Jonah’s house while we wait for him and Marty to come back from talking with Bowie and asking for the much-needed help, and waiting for them to say they have an amazing name for the band. Everything appeared to stay in silence until Paul makes his way to where I am and without a warning, he asks the question.

“Are you sure you don’t have any feelings for him?” He looks pretty serious about it. 

“You already know the answer” I keep staring at my keyboard. 

“But TJ, I saw you two, you have something” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I saw a sparkle” He smiles. 

“You’re imaging things Paul” I shake my head. 

“I’m serious” He sits on the floor. “I saw you two yesterday, there was a vibe, a thing, a…” 

“There was nothing, we’re friends just as us two” 

“You don’t look and smile at me in the same way” I look at him this time. “Just saying” He goes back to his drums. 

I don’t know how should I take those last words he said, I look at Cyrus in the same way I do with everyone else, there’s nothing different…but Paul seemed pretty confident about it. No, that’s ridiculous, I would know if I have feelings for him, I’m good at this stuff. And I have to focus on the big day and on a better name for the band, how bad does it sound The Sandwiches? Marty is probably going to be mad at us, we couldn’t think of anything, I hope they had better luck. 

Tomorrow is the big day and I don’t feel ready for it, I’m nervous and afraid something bad happens, it’s so much pressure on us, me, and lately, I don’t get along with pressure, but I trust whatever Jonah and Marty are doing, they look like they actually know what they’re doing so I have my complete trust on them. After some time of Paul not wanting to ask me directly about Cyrus but mentioning him at every single chance he had, the guys arrived, Bowie got us the help, his daughter and some friends, Jonah said the names, and guess what? Cyrus is there, he’s going to help us! With him around I’m sure I’ll be fine…but he also mentioned Amber and Iris, my friends, the ones I still haven’t tell about the band. I hurry to practice with them, after so many songs Marty wanted to practice, I’m finally free and on my way to Iris’ house, because based on Amber’s picture she’s with her at her house, right now it’s the moment I’ve been avoiding: telling my friends the good news, I hope some excitement coming from them and many questions, a lot of questions. Iris’ mother opens the door and she tells me that the girls are waiting for me at my house. What? How is possible they’re at my house, how? When? Why? I saw the picture and it looked like Iris’ room. Anyway, now I’m on my way to my own house, I can see the trees, the kids playing while my mind is busy deciding how to tell them about this. I get in the house and greet my parents, they’re making cookies, my mother it’s doing better, she doesn’t cry often or that’s what I think, my father’s been there for her the whole time. I smile at them; they tell me the girls are in my room. I open the door and find them sitting on my bed, looking at all the pictures I have, they smile right when they see me. 

“Teej!” Amber hugs me. 

“You’re finally home!” Iris joins us at the hugging. 

“I have to talk to you two” I didn’t notice how serious I sounded until I appreciated their expressions. “It’s not bad” I say immediately. 

“Then tell us” Amber sits again on my bed. 

“Don’t judge me” I feel nervous, I was about to open my mouth when Iris interrupts me. 

“Never” I smile at her. 

“I’m in a band!” I finally say. 

“What? Are you serious?” Amber says as she looks pretty impressed about it. 

“How? When?” Iris can’t make a simple question; this is going perfectly. 

“Some time ago, I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise” Yeah, sure TJ, it’s that. “We’re playing tomorrow at Red Rooster Records if you want to come” They’re already coming TJ! 

“Well, we’re actually going, we’re going to help you guys” Amber smiles at me. 

“That’s correct, a friend asks us for help” Iris explains. I already knew that. 

“Then it’s going to be perfect” I look at my shoes. Just like Cyrus and Paul do sometimes. I’m happy but I’m nervous. 

The girls are pretty excited about the band, they want to know all of the members and be friends with them. They’re expecting us to be a big group of friends and I’m sure that’s a possibility, I’m friends with Cyrus and he’s friends with Andi and she’s friends with my friends and also Jonah and I’m in a band with him, it’s just a matter of time. 

Cyrus’ POV

Passing time with the girls the other day really helped me to write something different, I used some inspiration reading TJ’s notes on the book, he knows how to use the words in wonderful ways, probably he should be the writer instead of me, he would do an amazing job, he always does. Speaking of him, today is his big day and I’m on my way to Red Rooster Records to help and to listen to them practice, as far as I know, all of them sing at least in some part in their songs, which is pretty cool, I never expected it, but it’s obvious because TJ has a beautiful voice…like Jonah and probably Marty and Paul too. 

I didn’t get a call from Joseph or Cece, so I suppose they’re giving me some time to complete the script, the musical is still there, Andi told me they’re keeping it since people in here really loved it; that gives me the perfect time to finish this, what I want and need is to not get stressed, the last one really made me pass a bad time in every way possible and with my attacks is not easy at all, I don’t want to feel like that again, lately I’ve been feeling a bit better, just a bit, but I guess that’s something good. I still have the attacks or that feeling that everything happens because I’m not enough, that everything’s my fault, that every time I open my mouth my words have another meaning, that even if I write it, it feels mean, I feel like a bad person, that’s why I’ve been so careful with the notes on the book I’m giving to TJ, I don’t want him to think that I’m a bad person or mean to him, or worse, that I’m still mad at him, which I never was obviously, but he thinks that, he’s been careful with his words on the book since you can notice how many times he erased and wrote again in the pages. But right now, that’s not the main point of this, me, I’m the main point here, me and my script, I just want to cry whenever I remember the other one, but this is a new opportunity to make things better. 

I enter Red Rooster Records to find a mess, a big mess. Buffy and Andi are trying to put the instruments in their places, something that seems easy but it’s not; Amber and Iris are decorating the place with Walker’s help, he and Andi made amazing decorations for today. I try to find TJ but with the mess, I can’t even tell if he’s here. Bowie comes to me trying to catch my attention but I’m still inspecting the store looking for my friend, where he could be? I finally meet Bowie's eyes, he tells me to help Andi and Buffy with the instruments, both of them are clearly relieved to see me. Buffy tells me that she has no idea where the band is…there goes my chance to talk to TJ before the show; Andi gives me instructions to go and help with the keyboard, TJ’s instrument, I’m happy to help, I know how to play it but I’m not very good at it, I always preferred the guitar. It takes us a while to get everything in place, the band appears, they’re helping Bowie with the chairs and the girls and walker with the decorations. TJ finally approaches me. 

“Hey” He smiles at me. 

“Hey” Just a hey, why Cyrus? 

“Thank you for coming and help us” 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m happy to help” I take a look at his hands, they’re trembling. “Are you okay?” I point at his hands. 

“I think so, I’ve been like this since I woke up” He moves his fingers. “I’m nervous” You can see how he has some trouble to breathe properly. 

“You’ll be fine” I grab his shoulders. “I believe in you, and I’m going to be here if you need me” He smiles. 

The girls interrupt us and we part ways. Andi takes him with the rest of the band so Bex can give them a cool look and Buffy takes me with her and Iris, there are still some things we have to do. This is a huge thing for TJ and he’s nervous…and I’m here with Buffy and Iris when I should be in Andi’s place checking the "look" stuff with Bex…I mean I already work with her so I’m familiarized with the process. Just a few hours for the big moment. 

TJ’s POV

“Hey!  The Sandwiches  is not a bad name, you can make it provisional, how does that sound to you?” Bowie asks us while we were arguing over the name, again, and he’s right, I actually hate to admit it, but my stupid suggestion is about to become our band name, how is that possible? 

“Yeah, it’s not a bad name” Jonah turns to us. “Thank you, Bowie” He smiles at him. 

We are minutes away from the big moment and I think I’m going to throw up, I don’ feel well but the guys are so happy and excited for this, I can’t ruin it, we practiced hard for this. I wish I could have more time alone with Cyrus, I need him right now, I need someone to tell me the things he said before “I believe in you, and I’m going to be here if you need me”, I felt better earlier when he said it but I need to hear that again because you know it’s almost showtime. Jonah and Marty are extremely happy talking to each other, Paul is staring at his shoes, probably he's nervous too, I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror, but I’m pretty sure I look like crap because I feel like that. Bowie comes and tells us to prepare. “People! People!” that's what you can hear from Jonah and Marty, Paul and I share a look and we decide to see the people. Many persons are sitting out there but the first thing I do is to look for Cyrus, my eyes are scanning the crowd only to find him sitting next to his friends, they’re talking. I spent most of the day trying to look at him, Bex and Andi were discussing some things and I was staring at him from the mirror, we were playing some songs and I was glancing at him, he’s my safe place, if I know he’s there if I see him, I feel better, strong, confident because he’s always telling me nice things, he’s always cheering me up. And if we see this from a different perspective being here with the guys about to play our songs it’s a big step, I’m sure my uncle would be proud of me. 

Bowie arrives one more time saying “It’s showtime!” and wishing us good luck. Everything appears to go in slow motion, the seconds feel like hours, breathing feels difficult, my eyes try to focus at my keyboard, that’s the finish line, a few steps and everything will be alright. 

“TJ are you okay?” Paul looks at me, I can’t talk, I only nod. He seems to get the answer. “You don’t look well” He whispers. 

“I know” I let a barely audible answer come out my mouth before Bowie starts talking. 

“Good night and welcome to Red Rooster Records!” He sounds excited, happy, confident. “I’m very happy and proud to announce the guys that are playing for you tonight” He starts. “They are extremely talented and please don’t judge by their name” He glances at us. “They are amazing! Please shout your love for” He makes a dramatic and funny pause. “Are you ready?” The ‘Yes!’ by the crowd is impressive. “The Sandwiches!” That was something…yeah, something. 

We make our way to the stage, the guys are smiling, well, Paul keeps a serious face. We finally face the people, I can’t hear a thing, I can’t find Cyrus either. I try to focus on the keyboard, I feel like I’m about to faint, this can’t happen, this is important for all of us, I can’t do this to them, to myself. Sadly, I can’t control this, this is much bigger than me.  I hear Jonah’s voice but I don’t get what he’s saying. I hear Paul’s voice but it’s the same. Without thinking about it my feet lead me out of the stage, I can feel the guy’s eyes following me but none of them actually come with me. 

I still hear the music, our song, I stare at my shoes, just like Cyrus trying to control my breathing, myself, the tears start falling without any help from my eyes. Once the song finishes, I see someone sitting in front of me. It’s Cyrus. 

Please don't go, Cyrus.

Cyrus’ POV

Everything was going well until I saw TJ’s face, he looked pretty bad, I stood up and walked some steps closer to him, hoping for him to noticing me, he didn’t, he left the stage so fast. Jonah’s face was surprised in not a good way. The other guys looked at each other, Paul almost leaves his place to go and see TJ. I got onto the stage and did the only thing my brain considered right to do. 

“Hello, I’m Cyrus Goodman and I’m here to play with the guys just one song!” All of the guys stare at me. “I’m going to change instruments with Jonah, my friend had to leave because something happened in his house but I’m sure he’s coming back, don’t worry!” I smile and take Jonah’s guitar. 

I didn’t have a single idea of what they were going to play until Jonah started, then I remembered TJ playing it to me. I was playing but not singing, Paul took TJ’s lines, everyone was enjoying the song and it felt amazing to play with them, but someone wasn’t here and I can’t stop thinking about him. Once we finish the song, we all thank. 

“We’re coming back in a few minutes!” Jonah turns to me, waiting for an answer. 

“Stay here, I’m going to check on him” They nod. 

I walk out of the stage and see TJ sitting on the floor staring at his shoes with tears on his face, I sit in front of him, he doesn’t look at me, after four minutes he finally stares at me, I start to tell him some motivating words so he can go out there and finish with the next two songs because I know he’s brave enough to do it and then, he interrupts me.

“We failed Cyrus” He says right in the middle of my inspiring words. “Actually, I failed them” 

“Yes, you did, you failed” I start. This is something good I promise. “But you know what? In this life you may fail, we all trip up all the time because life is kind of hard, everyone knows that, but tomorrow you’re going to wake up and guess what? You’re going to be alright” I stare at him. Never noticed, but he has pretty eyes. 

“I think you’re right” He tries to smile. 

“You have to go back in there and show the world who is TJ” I take his hands. 

“Who’s TJ?” He asks, he really asks that in such a moment?

“A brave man who can get up every time he trips up” I give him something to clean this face.

“Right, that’s TJ” He’s now truly smiling. “Thank you” He says before he leaves to the stage again, looking better. 

I go back to my seat, feeling better than ever, not just because I helped TJ but because playing felt incredible, I never felt more alive in my life. Andi and Buffy smiled at me and talked about how amazing I was up there but I, in a nice way, shut them up because I wanted to listen to TJ’s band. And as I imagined, they were exceptional, how all of them play their instrument, how they make their way while playing, their thing is inspiring. TJ looks better and happier singing and playing his keyboard, he’s looking at this way so I only smile at him and try to look at the rest of the guys. This is going to be an interesting night. 

What's an script? Do I really need to write it so soon?

Chapter Text

TJ's POV

We were in the middle of the song when I had an attack, I ran away from there, the guys kept playing, I felt everyone’s eyes on me once I left the stage. After the song Cyrus found me, he noticed what was going on, he stayed with me, cheering me up until I felt confident enough to come back to the stage when we ended the guys asked me if I was okay, I told them that I was just nervous and nothing bad happened to me, Marty and Jonah said they hoped to me to get better and that the next time everything will go better, by the other hand, Paul told Cyrus that he already knew about my thing, so they made me company for a while after our show, eventually, Paul had to go to his house and Cyrus helped me to get out of Red Rooster Records without any questions coming from Bowie or Bex, or Andi, we walked to the park and took a sit on our bench, there was silence until he decided to say some words, like that I was brave, that everything he said in there was true. 

“It still feels like I failed to them Cyrus” I say right in the middle of his confession.

“Well, you did, but you still went out there and played” He places his hand on my leg. “You’re so brave TJ, I already said it” 

“I know” I say trying to smile. “Thank you for not leaving me” 

“I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be right here” 

Talking to Cyrus is always a good idea, so much has happened since we meet, we’ve been helping each other in some way, it’s nice to see and speak. I’m proud to call him my friend, I learn a new thing all the time whenever we are together. Tomorrow has to be a great day, I need it to be a great day as long as I don’t start remembering my uncle, I know I said I was better and moving on and living a life for the two of us, but there are times when all I have is headaches, I feel bad and I can’t stop thinking about him…but when I’m with Cyrus that seems to be gone, all the sadness and the bad feelings just disappear, even if it’s for some hours or even minutes. 

These days I’ve been trying so hard not to think about my uncle, but seeing my mom cry or just have that sad face makes me worried again, I can’t find a way to stop all of this and it’s frustrating me, it’s not my father’s job it’s mine, I have to look strong and happy all the time but they can feel sad and cry, and have those faces, that look in their eyes, I want that, I want to suffer like any other person but I can’t do it. It’s always “TJ you have to be strong” “TJ your mom has to see you in a good condition” “TJ you have to take this situation in your hands, you’re the head of the family mentally talking”, I love my parents but what they’re doing to me is not fair, I don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt me, I’m hurt and will love to let everyone know that but I can’t, I say that too much, I can’t, that’s what my parents taught me, they made me this way, they shaped my character in the way they wanted. This is a test and I can’t be weak right now, I can’t break or at least not in front of them. I can do it alone or with Cyrus. With Cyrus sounds better. He’s always there and I’m happy about it. 

Once I’m in my room, I take a look at everything I have in there, my pictures, the books I’ve been collecting now, my shoes, they’re not a lot but I have my favorites, I go back to my pictures grabbing my box, I open it and find many pictures with Amber and Iris, with my parents, with my grandparents, and some with my uncle, I was very young in these, so happy and unaware of what the life had prepared for me…and my parents. I keep staring at that picture, is a nice one, I put it on my bed, I take out the box some other pictures, two of my parents and some more of the girls, I put them together, tomorrow I’m going to put them somewhere they can be visible. I took a picture with the guys tonight…and with Cyrus, I’m going to add those too, especially the one Cyrus one, we’re too close now, and I like it, it’s nice to have him as a friend. 

“Maybe I’m like Elizabeth Bennet” The girls give me a very strange glance.

“What did I miss?” Amber turns to Iris, she’s as clueless as her.

“I don’t know” She answers.

“I read that book, don’t be so surprised, please” I sit in Amber’s bed.

“I suppose it wasn’t an assignment for school” Iris has that look in her eyes, she’s suspecting something.

“No, it wasn’t” I avoid eye contact. 

I came to Amber’s house before going to Jonah’s, I thought it was a good idea, they asked about what Cyrus said when I, you know, I had to think on something credible. Then they started to talk about love, they watched a movie last night and then I don’t know how my mouth opened and say something it shouldn’t. Like always.

“So” Iris starts. “Who’s this guy?” What? Iris? What? 

“Which guy?” I’m sure my face says it all. 

“You never read because you want to” Amber says raising an eyebrow.

This is the time my brain has to do me a favor and say something good, just for once.

“Since my uncle…” I make a pause, it’s difficult to say the words uncle. “Passed away, I have been reading some books, he always said I should read some kind of those novels” Please, believe me, girls. For making this more real, well, I don't even try to make a sad face, saying those words my face immediately changes, and look at my hands. I can feel how they hug me, saying that they're sorry. 

They eventually asked me about Cyrus and why we seemed close in Red Rooster Records, and they didn’t know we were friends, and of course, Amber saying the same thing as Paul: “You have a vibe together, a good one”, it’s not exactly the same but it’s kind of similar, right? 

Cyrus’ POV

Remember that I said if it was necessary to write my script so soon? Well after walking with TJ and coming to my room I wrote so many things, it’s not the way the other was, this is more romantic, the romance is a good part. I’m still not sure if it was because I played with The Sandwiches but it made me write a lot, I’m grateful for it. It’s kind of difficult to understand, I can’t describe how great I felt last night, how the inspiration came to me, how I spent until 5 a.m. writing and writing, my parents didn’t even notice that I was still awake…when the inspiration comes you have to take it and work with it, just take the chance. That’s what I did and the result was good, amazing I dare to say. But right now, I’m on my way to Cece’s house, where Andi and Buffy probably are. Her house is big and pretty, is a nice place to pass time. 

“Oh! Hello, Cyrus!” Cece opens the door.

“Hello” I smile. 

“Please come in” She looks happy. “What brings you here?” 

“I was hoping for you to tell me how are the things going at the theater” I take a sit in front of her and looking for any sign that Andi’s there. 

“Oh, it’s been well” She smiles. “We miss you…” She sighs. “But we know you’re writing an amazing new play” 

“Thank you” I glance at my hands. 

“She’s not here, she had to do something at the gallery” Then that’s why she didn’t respond to my messages. “She told me you played the guitar last night?” Her expression can tell she’s surprised in a, I hope, good way. 

“Yes, I did” I give her a smile. “It was pretty nice” 

“But remember you write, please” She takes my hand. “I love what you do when you start typing” 

Cece’s words are really meaningful to me, at least I know she cares and likes what I do, and honestly, I don’t think playing in a band is my thing, it’s better to just appreciate the people who do it, like TJ, he’s happy when he plays, he feels comfortable and it’s visible. My visit to Cece’s was quick since I was, mainly, looking for Andi. Now I’m on my way to the gallery. I have a big question that maybe she can help me to answer because for the first time I didn’t write about her or Buffy, or some other people, I wrote what came at the moment, it’s not what I usually do and I can’t think on any reason why that happened. I’m not in love as far as I know and I think I know myself quite well. I can’t think of any single person that makes me want to write about love and all that stuff. I suppose it’s probably because the song I played with The Sandwiches was a love song, maybe I got the inspiration from it, that’s good news, right? Love is a complicated thing but so is writing or any art. That’s why I need her, she knows what she says whenever is a love topic. That’s why I get inspired by her and Buffy. 

When I was writing all those words on my computer, I never thought, I never asked myself “Why are we writing this?”, everything was just coming alone and that’s what scares me in some way. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are good but being single is also good, I like being single, right now, the simple idea of liking someone is strange because of what I do. If I write about someone I like and then I end up saying things like “This is about a special person” then it’s my ruin. Why? Well simply because you can’t change what’s already there when you write about someone and people know is about someone…everyone will know your feelings for that person and after that, when you stop liking them or when it’s unrequited you don’t know how to change it, how to erase it. Probably it’s just me. 

I enter the gallery finding Andi talking to Walker and to my surprise Iris and…TJ, he was there standing next to them listening to whatever they’re saying, Buffy appears with Amber holding something. TJ clearly doesn’t have an idea of what is going on, he meets my eyes and smiles, he has a pretty smile, he glances at the others who barely notice him walking in my direction. 

“Hi!” I say when we finally face to face. 

“Hey, what are you doing here? They asked for your help too?” He’s there standing in front of me while we can hear what the others are discussing.

“Actually, no, I needed to ask Buffy and Andi something” I look at my shoes and then to him, he’s smiling. “What?” I ask.

“Nothing, it’s just” He hesitates. “You look at your shoes all the time” Bad habit I know. 

“It’s a bad habit, I apologize if it makes you feel bad” I can see how his face changes a bit, he wants to…laugh? 

“Don’t worry I think it’s cute” Did I heard right?

When I was about to say something, Buffy interrupts us. Apparently, the gallery is having another exhibition and they want a band to play, yes,  The Sandwiches were requested, Amber and Iris were there for helping to organize everything. Buffy was there by coincidence and joined the others, I stay with them and promised to help too. The band is nice so I would love to help them again, hopefully, TJ can play all the songs this time, that’s why I joined them, to help him. 

TJ’s POV

“You called him cute?” Paul is trying not to laugh. “And you don’t like him, right?”

“I don’t, I called him that way because it’s the truth I think it’s cute when he does that” He stares at me in that way, he keeps thinking that I like Cyrus, which I don’t. “I think it’s cute when you do it too” I finish.

“Well, you never called me like that” He smiles. He wins. 

I stay there sitting while Paul goes to his drums, we’re again too early at Jonah’s house, the point of our conversation is that I was worried about saying “I think it’s cute”, what if he took it differently? Well, I actually don’t know why I said it, sometimes the words come out of my mouth without me thinking before. This was one of those times. I usually say stuff like that…to the girls…but this time was Cyrus, I think I’m getting too comfortable with him, but is a good thing, right? I mean it’s not like I liked him in that way or whatever Paul says or believes. I walk towards him and call him cute, he’s quiet but his face says “Yeah, do that, I still don’t believe you”. 

Jonah and Marty arrive, they are acting kind of strange. I’m sure this has to do with last night's events, we start the practice, as usual, everything goes well, normal, we laugh, Marty makes some jokes and makes us laugh, even Paul, we’re are very close now. It seems, it feels like a normal practice, even if there’s something in the air that makes everything a bit different, we keep talking until Jonah decides to say something unexpected. 

“So last night TJ” He glances at me. “Panic attack, right?” 

“Yeah, I get those lately” I feel how my heart beats fast. 

“Me too” He gives me a smile. “Don’t worry we’re not going to judge you” 

“We’re here for you” Marty says. 

I glance at Paul, he’s smiling, his eyes tell all, he knew this was going to happen, we texted last night, he told me not to worry, they will understand, I didn’t believe it but I was wrong, I’m glad to find someone else, now we are three, Jonah, Cyrus and me. 

Friends, that’s what we are now, that’s a simple word, I never had too many friends and now I have a lot of them, it’s new, it’s weird but it’s cool, so much has changed since my uncle’s thing, I find good friends, I joined a band, I feel great, good, I’m still kind of sad and I still have the attacks but now I know I have people to count on, Cyrus was the first one, so he’s always going to be there, he always gets my attention before anyone else. What happened at the gallery was the proof, as soon as I saw him, I went directly to him, we talked, I even called him cute, he has something, there’s something but I don’t know what it is, he’s so cool, he is the kind of person that can befriend anyone and I’m the opposite, we’re just different personalities, different ideas. When he told me about his play and he cried and I hugged him, that was new, very new, I never imagined that the guy who recommended me a book was the same that I was hugging at the moment. The girls were talking about the vibe we have, Paul says the same. I don’t have any problem with romance but, let’s suppose it happens, I start to see him differently, I get scared when I like someone in that way because I don’t know what to do. I’m not the biggest fan of romantic movies, at least when they’re not comedies, but I’ve been changing my point of view lately, the books Cyrus has made me read are so good, the love stories are amazing, maybe I want something like that, a love story that makes me want to write songs about it. Probably Cyrus does that with his plays, maybe he has the inspiration from his own love story, a past one or recent one, we don’t talk about our love lives so it’s difficult to say it. 

But right now, it’s too soon to say stupid things, like the ones I just said. I keep walking, this day I have walked so much, I need a break, I see someone who looks like Cyrus in the café, I make my way there, probably too fast, I touch him in the shoulder to find…a guy who only looks like him but it’s not him, I apologize and go to order a tea. While I’m waiting it comes to my mind the time I switched coffees with Cyrus, that was the very first time I read his name and hear it from my own voice, I had an attack that day. I grab my tea and leave, I keep walking but somehow everything makes me remember Cyrus, should I call him? Should I go to his house? Should I just shut up and go to my house? Yes, the last one, if think much about him I would be giving Paul a point. I don’t like Cyrus but I can’t get him off my mind. 

Cyrus’ POV

I’m in my room sitting in front of my computer, my fingers are going their job, I’ve been writing for about two hours, without checking my phone, without thinking about anything else more than the story I’m writing, this may be the most romantic play I have ever written in my career and honestly is not that bad, I’m enjoying writing this one. Again, I’m not sure why I’m having so many ideas but they come by themselves, I open the file and my fingers and brain do the job, all the job, my eyes are probably tired but I’m so happy writing. I can’t stop it, well, that’s what I thought, my phone starts ringing. 

“Cyrus! I sent you many messages, what are you doing?” Andi’s voice surprises me. 

“Sorry, I’ve been working” I say as I take a look at my creation.

“Where the inspiration came from?” Buffy asks, of course, they’re together.

“I’m not sure, but I’m very grateful” I smile, I know they can’t see me but it’s inevitable.

“Probably it has a name” Buffy says clearly not to me. 

“What does that mean?” I ask. I want to know.

“Nothing” Andi says. “Are you coming to my house? We’re watching movies” Sounds good actually. 

“I don’t know, I’m having a lot of ideas right now, I’m inspired” I make a short pause. “And without your help” They know what that means.

“Wait, what?” Buffy starts. “It seems someone’s in love huh” She laughs.

“Of course not, I’m not in love” But what if? “I have to go, I love you girls, bye” 

I stare at the words I’m writing, am I in love? That’s impossible, I already talked about his, there’s no way I’m in love, maybe I found inspiration in the books TJ and I are reading, he leaves curious notes, I’m taking inspiration from it, from his words, how he expresses himself…am I getting inspiration thanks to him? I’m always thinking or talking to myself about him, why? Why he’s always on my mind? 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV 

“I can’t believe you finished your script in such a short time” Says Andi as she looks at my computer.

“How much it was? Four weeks?” Buffy turns to me.

“Three actually” I say, visibly proud of myself. 

“Where did you got all the inspiration for this?” Andi points to my computer. 

“I don’t know” Their faces don’t look convinced. “I’m serious, I don’t know, one day I woke up and all I had in my mind were ideas” 

“Did you even sleep during this time?” Andi asks.

“Yeah” I close my computer. “Well, the necessary” Even if you sleep five hours everything will be fine, right? Or if you sleep at 5 am and then wake up at 3 pm is even healthy? I’m afraid it’s not, but who cares? I finished my script. I sent it to Cece and Joseph so I’m just waiting for their response. 

“I still can’t believe how fast you finished this” Buffy starts to walk around my room.

“Well, I got the ideas, I already told you” I stand up and stop her from doing that.

“Without our help? That’s new” Says Buffy as she goes right where my books are.

“And sad, I really loved to help you” Andi finally says. 

For the rest of the hour, they were discussing my play and kept asking how I got the inspiration, I tried to look cool and mysterious, but in my head, I was thinking about TJ’s notes on my books, those notes were an important part of the process and TJ too, his words are always correct and pretty, and his handwriting makes everything even better. He has been practicing for the gallery event, we haven’t seen each other a lot these days so I was able to write my script but I have to admit how much I miss him...I miss him in the way you miss a friend not how the girls might think or assume. I’m kind of confused these days, I’ve been writing this great love story with these characters but why? It’s interesting from every point of view that I wrote it like that, in such a short time. I’m impressed of myself. But I think I’ve said this too many times. 

The work at the gallery has been cool, honestly, I thought I would be bored but the girls and Walker made it fun, especially Andi and Walker they have this vibe of best friends that’s so amazing. Buffy and Iris are pretty close now and I’m always with Amber, she tells me the funniest things about her and Iris…and TJ, I’ve been learning too much about him, more than I used to think I already knew, does that make sense? We’ve been friends for a while now and whenever I talk to Amber, I find something new about him and I like it, it’s nice to know what his friends have to say about him. Iris has told me how they tried many times to make him watch a romance movie with them and now he’s reading romance books, my fault I admit that. I never realized the changes he had, in my eyes, he always liked those books but the reality is: he didn’t, which is curious, interesting, very interesting, I never influenced anyone before, so I don’t know how to take this, because is a good thing, right? 

At this point I’m not sure if we know everything about each other or if we only know the things we don’t tell the others, but I have this feeling every time I find something new about him, I feel happy, I feel this thing that tells me to go with him and ask about it but I don’t do it, I can’t do it, probably TJ doesn’t know what Amber is telling me. I look at my phone and Cece sent me a message…suddenly I have a flashback in my head to that day, I open it and then tell the guys I have to leave, I start walking to the theater, my heart beats fast and my hands are trembling, I’m not a slow walker but right now I’m trying my best to slow down my steps, this time I’m not looking at my shoes. I can see how all these different people have their own things, probably they have problems too but they seem so bad too, so miserable. I’m one hundred percent sure my face tells everyone how bad I feel, how nervous I am, how scared I am to have an attack right there, but no one notices a single thing, no one pays me attention because they have important things to attend, stressing ones from my point of view. I stop in front of the building, I try to calm myself down, the story can’t happen again, I changed everything, that should be enough, I wrote something totally new and mine. I believe in myself and what I write. I see Cece and Joseph together talking about something that honestly, I can’t hear. They notice my presence and tell me to go with them. That’s what I do. I can’t control my hands so I put them in my pockets. 

“Cyrus…Cyrus” Joseph starts. My eyes meet Cece’s, she smiles at me. “Do you see what happens when you write something new?” He grabs my script. “This is amazing” 

I can breathe again. He liked my script, that was my intention. I can’t even talk; a sigh of relief is all I manage to do.

“You did an amazing job, we start with this one in a week, get ready” He smiles at me then he leaves. Cece keeps smiling at me. 

“I’m proud of you Cyrus” She gives me a hug. 

“Did you read it?” I ask. 

“Of course I did and I love it!” She smiles again. 

Just like that, I can feel how my life gets in one piece again, well, my professional life, I still have some work to do with the other parts of it. 

TJ’s POV

“How is called when something extremely bad happens and then your life changes forever? That you can’t see things as the way you did before? That you’re stuck in there and there’s no way out” I ask. 

“Trauma” Paul answers my question while he’s staring at the sky. 

“I start feeling okay and then, everything turns dark again” I sigh. 

“I thought everything was okay” He turns to me. 

“It was, right now I feel like I’m being dragged by all of it” I look at the grass. “Maybe I was pretending to be okay without noticing” 

“You will get better, you’re brave and strong” He turns to the sky again. 

He said the words Cyrus told me before, brave and strong, I still remember how bad it felt that night, that moment and how Cyrus helped not only me but the guys, he played with them and then he went to see me. We haven’t seen each other a lot lately but the gallery event is tomorrow, we have to exchange words for sure, he’s passing so much time with Amber and Iris, especially Amber, she’s always talking about him, how nice he is, she doesn’t stop. They keep pointing at all his good things and I don’t know why but they do it. Cyrus never says what they talked about, neither the girls. Probably they’re sharing embarrassing stuff about me. But that shouldn’t be important, right? Since I’m friends with him, not his boyfriend…but in some way, I keep practicing not just the song but what I’m going to say to him, how I’m going to act. I hate myself sometimes. 

What I was talking with Paul before thinking of Cyrus, is because I feel kind of empty these days, it’s still too hard to get used to seeing my parents even worse, my mom always looks sad and my father too, their mood affects mine; I try to take care of them but it’s so much to handle, I can’t look serious like “I’m fine” when I’m actually not. The other day a friend from school sent me a message that he was moving, I felt terrible, I was sad but I thought I was alright but some hours later I had an attack in my room, it was 3 am and my best idea was to text Paul since Cyrus was working on his script and I didn’t want to disturb him. Paul helped me, but the feeling of the attack was the worst; I started to say “no, no, no, no, no” once I understood what was happening, I try to drink water and breathe but I was about to cry. Then I couldn’t sleep until 6 am, staring at the ceiling and try to close my eyes. The next day I had to check on my parents and look good for them. This feels like a never-ending thing and it’s awful. Now I can’t get out of my head what happened to my uncle and I feel worse. I need Cyrus. Paul is there and I appreciate it but he’s not him, not Cyrus. I love Paul and I truly appreciate his friendship but…I don’t know I have some kind of connection with Cyrus, something that I can’t explain. 

Paul and I start walking and talking about the gallery event, he’s not nervous at all, on the other hand, I can’t express how nervous I am. He always looks so cool and I’m the opposite, maybe that’s why we are friends. We finished the practice like an hour ago, we have new songs, Marty and Jonah wrote them, they keep telling us to write some songs but all I can write about is sadness, they never specified the topic but it’s clearly not that one, Paul tries not to get involved too much, he says he’s going to work with me and he actually does, but our songs aren’t that good. We have many love songs and breakup songs, but I still believe we need one of our songs, the non-love related ones. 

Paul goes to his house and now I’m on my way to mine, I can feel how all the bad things are coming to my mind again. The empty feeling gets bigger and bigger with every step. It’s time to get back to this sad place and act happy, or just act. I’m getting tired of act, but for the good of my family, I have to do it. It’s not a sacrifice when I see my parents with a small smile on their faces when I can make my mom laugh when I can make my dad do something with me, when we cook together or when we just watch tv. When I’m alone in my room I can cry everything out, I can stay there listening to music or simply reading and writing notes for Cyrus, reading his notes and reading again that part, learning something new from his point of view. But when I’m with my parents I have to be strong, I have to be brave. Maybe Cyrus and Paul are right, I’m brave, it’s just that I never noticed it. 

I go to the kitchen and see my mom staring at her phone, she’s been crying, I approach her and take a look at her screen, a picture of my uncle, I try not to cry too and give her a hug. 

“I didn’t know you were home already” She says as she grabs my hands. 

“I wanted to cook something for you since dad’s not home” I can feel the smell of her shampoo. 

“I’m sorry” She says out of nowhere. 

“For what?” I break the hug and move so we can be face to face. 

“I’ve been crying today” I stare at her. “And every day” She tries to smile. “You deserve a strong mother” 

“You are strong mom” I interrupt her. “You lost someone you loved so much, you can cry it’s fine” I take her hand. 

She smiles at me, she has a few tears in her eyes, we stay like that a few minutes, then I prepare something for both of us. She goes to take a nap, she’s not getting enough sleep, neither am I but she’s more important. I go to my room and sit on my bed; I check my phone. 

Cyrus:  Hey, I finished my script, they love it! 

Cyrus:  want to come and read it after the event tomorrow?

TJ:  Congrats! I would love to read it! 

Cyrus’ POV

I woke up with a good vibe, in a good mood, it’s TJ’s big day, well, it’s The Sandwiches big day and I have to go to help the others but first I have to do a short stop at the theater and talk to Cece. I’m happy about the play and I know she’s going to work hard, she always does, a family trait, I guess. I walk through the cold Shadyside with the play and the event in my mind, with the new songs TJ told me about last night and with TJ himself, I want to know if he’s going to be alright, no pressure, just him, the guys and their music; I keep walking, all the people I mentioned before look relaxed now, probably you look at the people the way you want them to look, wait that doesn’t make sense. I better focus on the theater. I enter and look for Cece, she’s supervising Bex, as usual. 

“Hello Cece! Hello Bex!” I say as I approach them. 

“Oh, hello Cyrus!” Bex smiles when she sees me. 

“Something happened?” Cece asks right away. 

“Uhm no, I need to talk to you actually” I make a pause. “Alone” She looks surprised and leads me somewhere with less noise. 

“What happened?” She asks directly. “You look happy” 

“Well, I am” I smile at her and she smiles back. “I just wanted to ask you about the play” 

“Didn’t we meet yesterday?” 

“Yes, but” She interrupts me. 

“Then go home, I see you in a week” She stares at me. 

“Yeah, sorry I’ll go with Andi we work to do” I smile weirdly and leave. 

Maybe that wasn’t my best move, come on Cyrus what were you thinking? 

Now I’m on my way to the gallery, the girls will be mad at me if I’m late and, well, I’m already a bit late, I know I shouldn’t go to the theater but I’m excited about this one. It’s kind of funny, but I have to concentrate, I have to help everyone today. I see Buffy and Iris outside the gallery, I approach them and smile, they do the same, maybe I’m not too late. I enter to find the band already there talking to Walker and Bowie who I suppose came to help too. Paul notices me first and smiles at me, then he swaps glances with TJ, he doesn’t understand what Paul is trying to tell him with his eyes. Andi calls me and there’s when TJ notices me, he gives me a wide smile and then turns to Paul again, he didn’t give me a chance to smile back at him. I pay attention to Andi; she says I have to help Amber and that’s what I do. Amber and I start a conversation very quickly, we’re laughing while working. I can feel someone’s staring at us, I give a look to the whole place to find TJ staring at us with a confused face. I guess he never thought that his friend and I would be friends in such a short time. 

Everything is prepared after a few hours, we’re now waiting for the big moment, the event is about to start, we’re like 20 minutes away from it. TJ and I finally have a time alone, he’s about to say something when Andi calls me, he only smiles and leaves, my head moves as he walks away. Bowie needs my help now. When will I be able to talk to TJ? 

TJ’s POV

We spent the whole afternoon rehearsing with the instruments, I didn’t have a single chance to talk to Cyrus, and right when I was about to say something to him, Andi calls him, I just smile and leave them alone. Paul was looking at the whole thing, he’s trying not to laugh since he’s been teasing me the whole day with things like “go and talk to him, I can distract the others” or “go with the guy you like don’t be a fool” and yes, it’s annoying, because I only want to talk to him, that doesn’t mean I like him in that way. It’s just that…it’s been a while since we talked in person, like three days, obviously I miss him, he’s my friend. But right now, I have to think about playing with the guys, before that happens, we have some time to enjoy the gallery so I hope I can talk to Cyrus and admire the beauty of this place. 

People start to arrive and I’m with the guys, Jonah and Marty keep saying that we should be focused and relaxed, they also say that they’re here with me, somehow that actually makes me feel less nervous, but while they’re talking, I try to find Cyrus. I even send a message to Amber but she wasn’t with him. I excuse myself and tell the guys I need to make a call, Paul understands what’s going on and he says that I have to call my mother, after that I start my search to find Cyrus. In the way I find myself talking with some other people, like Buffy, and then Andi, and then Bowie and Bex, and then Amber and Iris, and Walker, when I was talking with him, I hear a woman say “Cyrus”, I stopped paying attention to Walker, then I heard this voice, Cyrus' voice, I look Walker at the eyes and then tell him I need to do something, he smiles and goes with Andi and her parents, I turn to the woman and Cyrus. I only can see his back. 

Do I approach them? What are you going to say TJ? 

I don’t think much about it, I approach them, the woman glances at me and asks me if I need something, Cyrus turns to see me and smiles, then without me saying anything he explains to her that we need to talk about some stuff, she looks at us suspiciously, smiles and then she leaves. 

“Hello” I finally say. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for so long. 

“Hey, I’ve been trying to talk to you the whole afternoon” He starts. “And a big part of the event” He smiles. What a pretty smile he has, seriously. 

“Me too” I laugh. “I was looking for you” He is really paying attention to me. “I wanted to say congratulations on the play” I make a short pause. “I really want to read the script!” 

Cyrus smiles and right when he’s about to say something…Paul interrupts us, we are about to play, I look at Cyrus and he tells me to hurry. I’m with the guys and Andi is in front of us, she and Walker take a microphone respectively and introduce us, it’s a different introduction than Bowie’s, both are amazing. Jonah walks with a smile, and Marty too, Paul and I have a serious expression. We take our places and I glance at Paul he mouths “you will be okay”, then I face the people in front of us, my eyes try to find Cyrus, there are so many faces in front of me…until…there he is, next to Buffy, I keep looking at his direction while Jonah talks, before he says the song title, Cyrus mouths something, I suppose he said something familiar to Paul, I can’t actually see clearly since I’m not wearing my glasses. I turn to Jonah who just announced the song and Paul starts with the drums, I glance back to Cyrus and start playing. I finally did it, I’m not running away this time, I’m not having an attack right now, I keep looking at him and sing and play. Tonight is going to be a great night. 

Chapter Text

TJ’s POV

The night at the gallery was good, cool, amazing, the best night ever, we played our songs and everyone liked it, that’s not what I expected and it’s good. Marty and Jonah enjoyed every single minute of it. Paul, on the other hand, was pretty quiet and waiting for me to stop talking to Cyrus, but guess what? We didn’t stop, it looked like we haven’t seen each other in years, we were laughing and walking together around the gallery and yes, I noticed how the guys were staring at us…all the time, maybe they couldn’t believe it, except Paul, he was neutral about it, he talked a lot to Bowie and Bex, well, he listened to them and to the woman who was with Cyrus before, now I know her name, Celia but everyone calls her Cece and she’s Andi’s grandmother…oh and she works with Cyrus at the theater or something like that, I was too busy concentrating on how cute Cyrus looks when he’s talking about something he loves, like writing. He smiles a lot. And the tone on his voice? It’s even better, he’s like an excited kid who just discovered something really cool. 

He’s like that, again, we’re in his room, he’s explaining to me his script and how he wants me to read it, but in a few hours before I go home? That’s impossible, he asks me if I can stay at his house and I want to say yes but I’m not sure if my parents would let me, they’re a bit you know, how parents usually are, I’m lucky they let me go outside alone. I text Amber to ask her: “WHAT SHOULD I DO?”. She told me to just text my parents and well, that’s what I did, they asked who this Cyrus was, I was sure they were going to say no but once I said he’s Amber’s friend too they suddenly agreed. I’m still trying to process how that was possible but it happened, it’s amazing. Now Cyrus is really happy with the news, he grabs his computer and then shows me the file. I start to read it. 

Cyrus’ script is really good, the parts I’ve been reading are amazing. The way the characters fall for each other, you can understand they did it when they first met but didn’t notice until some time later, it’s brilliant. You have two people who fall in love the very first time they see each other but they realize it unexpectedly, they pass time together, they talk and laugh, they start noticing things they didn’t about the other at first and then the famous question: “Am I in love with…?”, followed by the answer, yes, it’s beautiful and romantic, it’s exciting from the start to finish. Cyrus made such a good job with this play, and you can see it, he’s really happy, I didn’t see him this happy before so it’s a good thing. I give him his computer and then look at my phone, it’s too late, I was so entertained reading, that I forgot about the hour. 

“So, what do you think?” He asks me, he can’t wait for the answer, it’s obvious. 

“I loved it!” I smile. “You’re amazing Cyrus” I turn to him, he’s smiling too. 

“I’m happy you liked it” He moves a bit. “Can you please extend that ‘I loved it’, please? I want to know what do you love about it” 

“Oh” He’s staring at me. “Well, I loved the characters' relationship before they realize they like each other, they are close enough to know the important stuff about the other, how they helped each other…” And the part I was talking about earlier. “I love how at the end both of them…they…confess” I can’t concentrate while he’s looking at me like that. 

“Good, that’s what I wanted to write” He smiles, I really feel better. 

I didn’t sleep in Cyrus’ room, he has a big house so there was another room, but considering the hour I could even sleep on the floor. It didn’t take me long to close my eyes but now I’m waking up to the sound of Cyrus’ parents laughing outside, I, trying to fully open my eyes, go to the window to find them there, outside the house laughing, I grab my phone to check the time…it’s too early. I open Amber’s chat; our last messages were last night. 

Amber:  good luck!

TJ:  thanks 

TJ:  Please tell me you’re awake

Amber:  yes, I am

Amber:  what happened? It’s too early for you 

I don’t think it twice, I call her. What if Cyrus is not awake yet? What am I supposed to do with all of his parents in the house? Talk? I don’t think so, I’m not good at talking with others, especially this early. 

“Teej?” Amber’s voice sounds loud in the room, the stupid speaker. I fix it. 

“Wait” I whisper and then I take a look to the window, all of them are still there. “Sorry, I had to check something” I say in my normal voice tone. 

“Are you going to tell me what is happening?” 

“I’m in Cyrus’ house but I don’t want to leave the room because his parents are here” I sigh. 

“This is why you called me?” She asks, clearly trying not to laugh. 

“Iris is probably still sleeping” I hear some steps. “Wait” I say before Amber could say a thing. 

We stay in silence and then Cyrus enters the room. I hang up the call and smile. Cyrus tells me he thought I was sleeping. After like 30 minutes I leave his house. I’m on my way to mine, so I can take a shower and go to Amber’s. But for now, the only thing in my mind is Cyrus’ script and how much I want to go to see it once is released. 

Cyrus’ POV

After TJ left, I got ready since I have plans with the girls today. I didn’t sleep much but, honestly, who does? The way to Buffy’s house was quiet, all you can feel is the cold Shadyside and the trees, and the houses and animals, you know what I mean right?

Last night was, actually very fun, while TJ was reading and making all those expressions, I knew he has going to do, I tried not to look a lot at him, I don’t want him to get a wrong idea since we’re friends and all, that’s why I offered another room but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that wasn’t my best idea. I’m finally outside Buffy’s house. The girls wanted to make and decorate some cookies for Bex and Bowie. So, after some time getting the cookies ready, and after some time of just talking about whatever they wanted to talk about, Andi comes up with that topic.  

“Love is a scary thing, don’t you think so?” Andi says as we’re decorating some cookies. 

“I don’t know” Buffy keeps looking at her cookie. “What is actually love? Is it a real thing? Or it’s just something we made up?” 

“You sounded just like Cyrus” Andi glances at her laughing. 

“To your surprise, I was about to tell you that love is whatever you wanted to be, the definition of love changes depending on who you ask, but we all agree that love is a real thing we only feel it differently” I put my cookie down. “We create the definition of love, we feel love, probably we are love too” Okay Cyrus that was stupid, on a high level. 

“Who are you and what you have done to Cyrus Goodman?” Buffy finally stops staring at her cookie. 

“What?” I ask clueless about what they mean. 

“You write about love without our help once and now you’re an expert” Says Buffy with that sarcastic tone, making Andi laugh. 

“The real question here is” I turn to Andi. “Why are you asking?” 

Suddenly Buffy turns to her too while Andi has that look on her face, the look that means she’s hiding something. Buffy and I try to guess what is it but, yeah, we couldn’t, she’s good at this. I mean, you can’t just say something like that and then pretend it never happened and stay quiet for the rest of the hour until we give up. But on the other hand, what she said sounded really cool, maybe I can include it in a future play, love is a scary thing…but is it? I don’t know much about it but love is supposed to be a good thing, something that makes you feel good and alive, you have to smile unconsciously, or just feel like a fool, because just like in the pride and prejudice movie “we are all fools in love”. What is love and why some people are so desperate to find it? To find their perfect half, their soulmate. What’s a soulmate? Do you find your soulmate or you make your soulmate? Do we all have a soulmate? How can I find mine? There are many questions and not many answers. In this field named love, we are a ball or just something made of plastic or just something that can float, throw that thing into a pool, a river, or an ocean, no wait, that's not eco-friendly, let's just stay with the pool and after my point, we get the plastic out of there, anyway, getting back on what I was saying: what is it going to do? Yes, float, I already said that, anyway, we just let ourselves be carried away, we let love guide us, but is that right? Is it the correct thing to do? One thing I believe it’s true, you can’t control what you feel and how much you feel it, it can be anger, sadness, or love, we can’t control it but we can learn from it, all the time. I can’t tell if love is a scary thing as Andi says, but I can for sure say that whatever it is, it’s a good way to learn new things. 

It’s interesting, how Andi didn’t want to say a single thing and I, actually, want to know, I guess I’ll have to wait. We put the cookies in a box that Andi happily gave it some color and personality. Doing all of this took us some hours and the girls want to watch some movies and dance to the songs…and I don’t want to, so I tell them I have something to do at the theater. I’m not sure if I can go there since Cece told me the other day to go home, but I can visit her and Bex, or…I can walk…yes, waking sounds great…but without TJ it’s not the same. Should I call him? No, Cyrus. I need to stop thinking about him or trying to connect him with everything I do. Like walk, I mean, how is that even related to him? Probably he’s with Paul or Amber doing cool stuff and I’m here trying to do something but I don’t know what, I can’t call him, we spent the night together, I don’t want to be that type of friend, I better wait some days…but come on Cyrus, the last time you didn’t see each other in three days and you missed him a lot, and I’m sure he missed you too, don’t be stupid grab that phone and call the guy, he’s been on your mind all night and day, come on, just do it. 

“Cyrus?” I hear someone calling my name. I turn to see who is it. 

“Paul! Hey!” I smile, is he with TJ? Did I call him telepathically?

“Are you okay? You were making some weird expressions” He has a really deep voice. But I didn’t notice my internal fight with myself was also viewable for others. 

“Yes, yes, I am, don’t worry, I was just trying to remember something” He nods and lets out an okay. But guess what? Not a single sight of TJ. 

I decide to invite Paul for a coffee just to talk, he seems like a very cool guy, well, he is a very cool guy, he’s on a band, he plays the drum, he has a very deep voice and he’s TJ’s friend and bandmate. Cyrus, stop, stop, stop mentioning TJ all the time. 

TJ’s POV

Amber and Iris are debating about if we should go to the pizza place or the spoon, while in my head I’m screaming Red Rooster, Paul told me he’d be there so if we go there I can use him as an excuse and just get a break from the girls and their weird topics of conversation, we talked about the weather for like an hour and then Iris changed the topic to last night at the gallery, she had a big smile when she mentioned it, both looked at me with a smile and I thought it was because The Sandwiches were amazing but it seems to be something else, and I know the answer, they’re probably thinking I have something with Cyrus and since I spent the night at his house…I can understand why they may think it but they’re wrong. I mean, why would I like him? Well, he’s cute and he’s funny, and he’s talented and interesting. Alright TJ, don’t say interesting in the same way he does. I’d be lying if I say I don’t think often about him, after all, I only want him to be okay, to be happy, and to be his friend…is that a crime? But, getting back to what I was saying, the pizza place, or the spoon. Well, in the end, we’re on our way to the café, again, Cyrus, every time I’m near the café he pops up in my head, my brain can’t do much about it, the café is our thing, just like our bench, unconsciously I make the simple things ours as if we were a couple, I don’t even have things with Amber and Iris, well, I actually do but this is different…everything is different when it comes to him. What if I actually like him?…No that’s too crazy. We're finally near the café, this brings me some memories, we enter the café and I find him there…Cyrus…and Paul? Since when they hang out? This is a cool thing actually, but knowing how Paul is he’s probably going to say something about me only to see his reaction and then come to me and say “he likes you” but I’m sure he doesn’t. 

“Teej?” Amber calls me, I keep glancing at them. “Teej!” She says loud enough to catch some people’s attention. 

“Sorry, what?” I turn to her and Iris. “Uhm…I…a tea” Iris' face is full of confusion. Amber turns in the same direction as me and then she says. 

“Oh, now I get it, there’s Paul and Cyrus” She looks at me and then at Iris. “Let’s sit with them!” 

“What?” I never turned my head so fast in my entire life. “We can’t do that” Am I scared? The hell I am. Why does she want to sit with them? 

“Yes, we can, we have legs, come on” She makes her way to their table. 

“Amber!” I whisper, well, I kind of loud whisper? 

She sits with them and then, she points at me and Iris, she’s ordering so I have to smile and say hi from the distance. Cyrus smiles, there’s something in his smile that makes me forget about why I was so nervous and distracted before. He has the warmest smile I have ever seen. Only looking at him makes me feel calm. I wait some minutes for the drinks, Iris is still with me, she’s…honestly, it feels like she’s examining me, studying my moves and my looks. Finally, we grab our drinks and make our way to the other’s table, I glance at Cyrus first, followed by a hi with a smile, he does the same, then I turn to Paul, he’s smiling too, I know what that smile means. I take a seat next to Cyrus since it’s the only one available, they moved from the table for two, to a bigger one, all thanks to Amber. We stay quiet for a moment until Amber makes a comment about our performance last night, Paul listens carefully and keeps talking to her, Iris asks him some questions and he’s happily answering them. Cyrus smiles and glances at me, I’m looking at my tea while I’m, well, saying all of this in my head. 

“It’s nice to see you again, TJ” Cyrus whispers. I turn to him and smile. 

“It’s nice to see you too” I stare at his eyes. They’re so beautiful. The lights of the café make him have a different vibe right now. 

My day with the girls ended in a "the rest of the day with Cyrus", the girls wanted to see a movie so they left, it was only Cyrus, Paul, and me, then after some minutes Paul checked his phone and say he had something important to do, leaving us alone, I asked Cyrus if he wanted to take a walk, he almost laughed and then he accepted. Now we’re walking and stopping if we see something interesting. Passing the time with him feels so good, it feels like an “It’s been a long day, you can relax now” whenever I’m with him and I like it. I like how he makes me feel comfortable and human, I’m not TJ Kippen the guy who’s dealing with the loss of a loved one or the guy who played last night at the gallery, I’m just a guy with another guy, walking through Shadyside. It’s simple, it’s nice. 

Eventually, he has to go to his house, he leaves and I start to walk into mine. But something feels weird, I keep walking until I see Amber’s parents outside my house talking with my parents, they have something in their hands, I stop. Suddenly, some of our neighbors are walking to my house, they all take some time to talk with my parents, I put my glasses on and try to walk some steps more so I can fully see what’s going on, my mom’s face looks so sad, just like the day she found about my uncle. When they’re finally gone, I enter my house to find my mom crying…again…I don’t even have to ask what’s happening, my father tells me that everyone knows about my uncle and they wanted to express their condolences to us. I stop listening to him and make my way to the door again, I start to walk and walk, it’s difficult to breathe, my heart is beating so fast and I feel dizzy, I know what this is. I’m having an attack. I try to keep walking until, in front of a door, I fall to the ground. I hear someone call my name, and running to where I am. I look at them. It’s Cyrus. I unconsciously walked to his house. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV  

Looking at TJ in this state was, honestly, one of the saddest and most worrying things, I’ve witnessed; I mean I have already seen him having attacks. I don’t know why this one felt different, the look in his eyes, the way he seemed so desperate, truly scared. Did this one come out of nowhere? What happened at his house? My parents went out so we have all the privacy right now. I’m waiting for him to say something, to make a move, to look at me, he keeps drinking water with his eyes glued on the floor; I thought things were getting better, he actually looked better, but the sad truth is that he’s not. We stay in silence. I want to tell him that he can stay here again, it’s no problem at all, my parents will be happy to have him here, he can even stay in my room this time. I don’t want to leave his side. 

“What’s going on in your head?” He asks me. This is the moment when I realize that I do have an expressive face. 

“Nothing…I was just…thinking” I want him to tell me what happened but I don’t want to ask. 

“Look, I’m sorry I bothered you, I’ll leave” Oh no, he can’t just leave like that, and he didn’t bother me. 

“You don’t have to” I say before he could stand up. “You can stay here tonight…if you want to” He doesn’t say anything for like a minute, and yes, it feels like years. 

“In that case” He looks at his hands. “Can I stay?” I smile. 

“I just told you can” I laugh, he smiles. 

With TJ staying here, again, and my parents away, we went directly to my room, because every time I feel bad or sad, my room really helps me, hopefully, it will help TJ too. He sits in my bed while I check my computer for any emails from Cece, she hasn’t sent anything yet; I sit next to TJ, he’s still quiet, maybe he doesn’t want to talk about what happened and well, I don’t want to put any pressure on him. The seconds pass and all you can hear is our breath, the noises from outside, the wind, my house is warm compared to the streets but still, we have our sweaters on, he’s staring at his hands like a shy boy who’s about to tell his mom what he just did; I try to look at everything I have in my room, I take a look to my books, maybe if I read something to him it can help. I stand up to get the book, once I have it in my hands, I look for the page I need. 

“Everyone knows about my uncle” He sighs, I turn to him. “My mother looked like the day they told me, she had that sadness and my dad…” His voice cracks. “He tried to look good but his eyes said a different thing…and…and I…” I don’t know what to do. “I feel so bad” His tone lowered. 

I don’t say much, I only hug him, sometimes you don’t need to say anything to someone who’s suffering, we all suffer and we all wish to have someone to hold us, to let us cry, to let us be vulnerable, someone who may not fully understand us but they’re always there. I want to be that person for TJ; I want him to know that he’s not alone, that he can cry, that I’m not letting him go. He starts to cry. How many times has he cried alone? I hug him tightly as if my hug will put all the broken pieces together, but that’s not going to happen so I just wait for him to break the hug. All I can think is how is possible that such an amazing person like him is suffering this much right now? Why no one notice how affected he is by his uncle’s death? I know TJ pretends to be okay but he’s clearly not. However things happen in his life and from his point of view…I’m glad to be with him at his moment, even if we’re only hugging and all I hear is how he cries. I’m glad to be here for him. 

“I’m sorry Cyrus” He breaks the hug. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry, you don’t have to apologize” I take his hand. “I know how much impact this has in your life, how much you always think about it, but hey it’s alright, take a breath, I’m here” I smile. 

“Thanks, I’m glad you’re my friend” He finally and genuinely smiles. 

“You know what? You’re having a bad day, this really hit you hard, take a rest…” I make a pause. “From everything, even from the things you like because it may get hard after this, just take a rest, the guys will understand” I get close to him a bit. We’re face to face now. He’s just staring at me. 

“Yeah…” His eyes go to our hands. “You’re right” 

“I’m not telling you that this is getting better because it’s not, you need to take your time, take all the time you need to heal” I get closer to him, not that much, just the necessary. He gets what I did, his eyes passed from our hands to my eyes. 

“I think…I…better go the other room” He keeps looking me in the eyes. 

“You don’t have to, stay here, I don’t want you to be alone” We’re still close. He opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. Then he takes a deep breath. 

“Okay…” He nods. 

 We didn’t talk a lot after that conversation, we played some music and read a book together. I finished a chapter and passed him the book, once he finished too, we talked about it. It was a very interesting book and his opinions were just like in the notes he leaves in the other books, the ones that helped me to write my script, without him knowing, of course. I had a good night; I hope he did too. 

TJ’s POV

I’m on my way to my house, after passing the night at Cyrus’ I woke up to all the messages I had from my parents…and Amber telling them I was with Iris…and Iris telling them I was with her while she actually didn’t know where the hell I was. All I hope is that…honestly, I don’t know what to expect or hope, all I want to do is sleep. 

Here we go TJ, good luck. 

I enter my house to find my parents in the kitchen, they didn’t look mad, my mom runs to hug me and my dad gives me a kiss on my head. They were worried and didn’t understand at first why I left the house like that but after some time, they got it, the situation was too much for me, they apologized to me for acting the way they did, for always expecting from me a different behavior, for not letting me deal with it the same way they were doing all this time, for not noticing how hurt I actually was. I had to mention the attacks, my mom worried a lot once the word “panic attack” came out of my mouth and my dad had this look on his face, he was trying to find the reason why I started to have those. I wanted to cry but by looking at their faces for the first time in a long time I noticed how much I needed to tell them this, the truth, I’m not perfect, I’ll never going to be. I have feelings and I need to show them, the attacks reminded me that I’m alive, it may feel like I’m dying but they always go, they always tell me “you’re still breathing, but are you actually living?”, I don’t like having them, I’m so afraid every time I have one but at the end of the day I’m still here. I told my parents about the first one I had and how long it has been, I told them my symptoms and how it felt, I, eventually cried, I couldn’t stop, I thought I cried all I needed last night with Cyrus but it seems I didn’t. My mom keeps saying how much she sorry while she’s hugging me and crying. My dad hasn’t said a word yet, he’s staring at us. For a moment I feel human again. My mom keeps hugging me but I want to leave to my room, I stand up and look at them, they look bad, sad, hurt; I try to say something but I can’t, I feel something in my throat so I better leave, it’s not an attack, it’s just that I want to cry, again. Before I close the door of my room, I can hear my parents talking about me and this new situation they have in their hands, I hear them saying things like “why did we not notice it?” “we’re so selfish” “we don’t deserve him as our son” “this is all my fault”, they’re blaming themselves when it’s not their fault. I close the door and walk straight to my bed. 

I didn’t realize that I fell asleep, I wake up to the sound of my door. I go to see who is it, well, which one of my parents is. It’s my father, this feels like the moment he told me about my uncle, he’s serious. 

“You have a visit, some guys, they said you’re in their band?” He now looks confused. But I remember how I never told them about the band in general, I said I was helping a friend with something and I needed the keyboard. You’re a genius TJ.

“Oh, yeah, I…I’m on a band” I say in the slowest way possible. 

“That’s great” He says in the same way. 

I’m about to leave the room when. 

“I’m sorry” Wait, why? I was about to open my mouth when he continues. “For everything, all the pressure I put on you and all, I wanted to tell you alone” He mouths 'go', I smile at him and mouth 'thank you'. 

I make my way to where the voices were coming from, the guys are in the kitchen with my mom, she made cookies, they’re eating and talking with her. I catch their attention and they all smile and say “TJ!” in unison…I still don’t know what I did. Jonah tells me that they decided to skip practice today and come to my house, it was Paul’s idea, he thought that could help the band’s chemistry. My mother is pretty excited about the band; she asked us a lot of questions, saying “That’s interesting!” to every single one of them and making me remember Cyrus, she didn't say it in the same way but it's the same word. When she asked about our name Marty said it was my idea and it wasn’t official yet, she laughed, but she also said it was such a TJ thing, so she likes it. After some time, we finally go to my room. 

“You came here because of my uncle's news, didn’t you?” I ask once I close the door. Their faces say it all.

“Yeah…” Jonah says with that face. 

“And for moral support!” Marty raises his eyebrows. 

“And because we appreciate you and you’re our friend” Paul smiles while Jonah and Marty say ‘yeah that too’. 

I smile at them and thank them for being there for me. We start talking about some other stuff. Paul found one of the books I was reading with Cyrus, he saw the notes and everything, then all of the guys agreed that Cyrus and I have a thing, a connection, a vibe. Absolute nonsense; when I thought things couldn’t get weirder, Marty says something that left us confused…He said, in his words: “don’t you think it could be a good idea to add another member?”. What does that even mean Marty? 

Cyrus’ POV

I’m at the gallery with the girls, Andi needed some help since Walker had an emergency and, here I am, next to Buffy, barely understanding what Andi is doing and expect us to do with her. Buffy starts to talk about something else while we watch Andi do her thing, everything goes great and then they ask if I have something new to say to them. I think I know where this is going, the news in Shadyside fly and now almost every single person know that the Kippen's lost a family member, even if they don't have an idea who they are. My parents send some food to them, I hope TJ likes it. But getting back on what I was talking about or well, what the girls asked; I tell them about TJ, not the panic attack thing or the crying thing, I only tell them that I spent the night with him again; I told them about the things we do, how we read the same book and our comments about it, I didn’t notice how happy I sounded until Andi asks me something that…well, it didn’t make much sense…to me. 

“Cyrus, do you like TJ?” Yes, this question. 

“Absolutely not, we’re just friends” Why would I like him? 

“It’s just that when you two are together…” She starts. “There’s this vibe…” Andi tries to end her sentence but she can't find the words.

“It feels like you two like each other” Buffy says directly. 

“Yeah, that” Andi agrees. 

“You must be dreaming girls” I say as I start to help Andi. 

“I know what I see Goodman” Buffy starts to help too, better than me. “And I’m usually never wrong” She looks at me. 

“Well, you’ve been wrong with some things…” Andi tries to say something. 

“That’s why I said ‘usually ’ Andi” She makes this smile, her 'shut up'  smile. 

The girls asking me about TJ is kind of strange but not-so-strange, I mean I see that coming actually, but their question or just what they said makes me think about some stuff, like, do everyone thinks that? Someone has told the same thing to TJ? Do we really have a vibe? Or is it just what the girls want to see? I can make a lot of questions from this but I, honestly, don’t want to think much about it, I don’t know it feels weird. But one thing is true, what if I liked him? Which I don’t, but, there’s nothing wrong with liking someone and TJ is an amazing guy, so, I don’t see the problem. 

We keep helping Andi and talk about something else because TJ is not the only topic we can talk about, we have lives and we have different stuff to share with each other. We still don’t know if Andi is seeing someone but Buffy told us some good news about her starting a dance class in the studio and we are, definitely, proud of her, she works so hard so this is amazing and it deserves to be celebrated. Andi suggests to go and celebrate at The Spoon and, well, we agree. On the other hand of news, Andi tell us that her parents have been acting a bit strange lately and she doesn’t know what to do, her birthday already passed so we’re not sure what’s going on with them, even Buffy can’t find a good reason to explain their behavior; and last but not least, my news, I tell them about how Cece sent me an email this morning, they have that “who still sends emails these days?” face, but I don’t give it much importance. I keep talking about the good news and how excited I am to start with this play. And I am, it feels so nice, it’s like the old times when I didn’t feel a lot of pressure, but, I don’t get this positivity to lie to me, I know I’m still not recovered at all, just watching TJ last night made me trembling, it felt like I was about to have one too, I still don’t know how I did it but it didn’t happen. But I still have some questions about this, like, are these staying for the rest of my life? Why does it feel like they never end? They come in the worst situations. I’d be lying if I say I didn’t leave my room once TJ was sleeping because I was about to have one and I actually had one, in another room. I know I should have some knowledge about this because of my parents but, when it happens to you everything feels to be new, you can read a lot of things and, yes, they help you but once you’re in the middle of one, everything changes. You change. 

We finish with Andi and go directly to The Spoon, we order the usual, the same thing we’ve been ordering for years, the only food that helps your heart, well, not always but most of the time. We also order some milkshakes and, yes, this feels perfect, good, amazing. We make a toast to Buffy’s new class; we keep talking while we’re eating. Somehow, sometimes, we just don’t run out of topics, even if it feels like we did, one of us throws a whole new topic. My friendship with the girls is real and honest, like with TJ. I know I said some different things about our friendship, but, lately, I’ve been thinking about how TJ actually helped me with it, he’s close to them now, our friends are friends, and I never been happier with the girls. It is good. It’s nice. 

We spend some time talking about a lot of things, we all are happy right now, everything is going great in our lives, well, except for Andi’s parents but if we don’t count it, everything is alright. And it’s been a long time since we had a moment like this, we’re enjoying it so much. 

TJ’s POV 

“Why do you want to add a member?” Jonah asks, confused and surprised, just like Paul and me. 

“Do you have another member in your pocket?” I ask him. “It took us a while to find Paul” We all turn to Paul for a moment, he smiles awkwardly. 

“I know but, don’t you think five is a good number?” He says with a smile. 

“Are you high?” Paul’s question makes me laugh, and by looking at Marty’s face he’s now as confused as we were like a minute ago.

“No, I’m not” He shakes his head. 

“Sorry, I thought it was a possibility” Paul tries not to laugh. 

“I think four is good” Jonah starts. “There are some bands with just four members, we are one of those” He turns to me for some support. 

“Yeah, and, well, we don’t know anyone that would like to be part of The Sandwiches besides Bowie” Now I try not to laugh. 

“I suppose you’re right” Marty admits. “Let’s discuss it tomorrow, I have to go with my mom to her cooking class” He gives me a hug, smiles, and leaves. 

“I actually have to go too” Jonah says. “I see you guys tomorrow” He smiles. 

And now it’s only Paul and me in my room. We start to talk about Marty’s idea and we both agree that we could never find another member. Paul mentions the books and the notes he read before, the thing I was avoiding, he even grabs the books again to look for those notes, he was impressed by Cyrus’ words, and by the books, he said “I never imagined you reading Jane Austen books” while smiling and trying to say, again, that I only read them because I like Cyrus. Can you believe it? Paul continues to insist about it. And when I finally got to change the topic…he had to go, his sister needed his help with their pets, before going he told me to read again the notes and try to write something from it, we’re still trying to write a song, a romantic one, but we can’t do it, it’s too much work, I don’t get how Marty and Jonah write them so easily. 

When I’m finally alone, I take one of the books and I read the notes. It sounded stupid at the beginning but I’m doing it now. I don’t lose anything by only trying to write the song. But, as I’m reading the notes all I can do is to think about Cyrus, honestly, I’ve been thinking about him the whole day, he was really nice to me last night and when we were reading the book together is exactly how I feel when I’m reading the notes. Today, I…I’m thinking differently about him, not just as Cyrus the guy I switched coffees with and we became friends, but as Cyrus Goodman, The Cyrus Goodman. I know it doesn’t make sense but, I can’t keep him off my mind, especially that moment when we were so close to each other’s faces, it felt like a movie moment, like, like that scene in the Pride and Prejudice movie, in the rain proposal, when Darcy and Elizabeth are so close and you can feel, you know, the emotion. That’s how it feels every time I think about Cyrus and me…and that…moment. I’m not sure, but…I’m sure…it’s confusing, all I know is that I feel different about him now and I don’t know what to do. 

Chapter Text

TJ’s POV

“What is love to you?” Paul asks as he sees the paper in front of him. 

“I don’t have an idea” I give an honest answer. 

“We have to write a love song TJ and you’re not helping” He turns to me. 

“I don’t know, probably love is…” I make a short pause. “Love is quality over quantity, love is staring at this person, and feel that there’s only the two of you in the world, is listening to everything and remember those stupid facts that no one else cares about, is…” I sigh. “Love is whatever you want it to be as long as you feel good, happy, comfortable” I'm surprised by what I just said. 

“Like you with Cyrus?” Well, yeah, but no, I’m not in love with him. 

“This has nothing to do with Cyrus” And it’s true. 

“If you say so” He stares at the paper again. 

Writing a love song truly is hard work; Jonah didn’t need it for some other day, he wants it by tomorrow. Paul has been working so hard on the definition of love for hours, but still, we can’t make anything right; honestly, I really want to ask Cyrus but he’s been working on his play so I don’t want to bother him…that means that I have to figure it out with Paul. And as I already said it’s not working, we’re missing something, an important point of this process. How do people write about love without being in love? How can you understand the big thing love is? Do we need to listen to others' experiences? I only need to concentrate; we have to do it. 

We spent some time in silence writing in our respective papers, we just let our ideas control us and for the first time not ending writing a sad song, it’s been a while since The Sandwiches made their presentation at the gallery so we really need new songs, and since Jonah and Marty are always writing love ones now it’s our turn, but seriously we need help, they didn’t give us a guide or something, we learned nothing from all the times they were writing. Hopefully, we can do something with what we got. Paul hands me his paper, he wrote really cool things, we can even get the song from here, there is something…weird…the word girl is almost on everything, who is he? Gustavo Rocque from Big Time Rush? It looks like a joke; I ask him about it and he said “I don’t know, once I saw on the tv that people use that word a lot”, that answers my question, he got it from Big Time Rush…we can do something with it, we can fix it. I turn to him, he’s still reading my paper, he’s smiling. 

“What?” I ask once he glances at me. 

“You wrote about the topic ‘I like you but I don’t want to say it, I admire you from afar’, is there anything you want to say TJ?” Oh, I know what this is about.

“It’s not about Cyrus” I say as I grab my paper. 

“I never said his name” He smiles. 

Amazing TJ, amazing, what were you thinking? Mentioning Cyrus? Come on...okay but, he’s always talking about Cyrus and telling me that he’s sure I like him so it was automatic? I didn’t think much about it since he’s always teasing me with Cyrus. But we have a song to finish if we don’t want Jonah to stare at us with that look. He’s a nice guy but he can be tough when he wants to, not to mention that Marty is always with him, it’s like me and Paul but they have more communication…or they probably don’t enjoy the silence as much as we do. We can stay in silence for some time without the strange feeling, the weird vibe, he’s cool, probably too much. I still don’t get how we became friends, we started to talk and it was great…and now we’re, I dare to say, best friends, I know I have the girls and I love them, but it’s nice to have Paul’s point of view about some stuff. Plus, we are in a band together so we already pass a lot of time together. I still have a question, how is possible that the girls…well, everyone, thinks Cyrus and me have something, but no one thinks the same thing about Paul? I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t see people say that about Jonah and Marty, or Amber and Iris, or Amber and Buffy, or Amber and Andi, or Andi and Buffy…Woah…there are many possibilities and still everyone looks at us, me and Cyrus, Cyrus and me, Cyrus and Thelonious, Goodman and Kippen…not the others, but us…it’s weird…or…maybe they know something we ignore? They notice something that may be there, but I’m not sure yet? Maybe? 

“You’re making weird expressions” Paul says, catching my attention. “Just like Cyrus” The tone in his voice is not alarming but he definitely realized something. “You’re different but similar at the same time, that’s interesting” I look at him. 

“What does that mean?” I know it was stupid to ask but I had to. 

“Nothing” He says all the calm of the world. 

“Come on, tell me” I make a little pause. “We’re friends…best friends” I make emphasis in best. 

“It’s just curious, you are totally different, clothes, personalities, ideas, the way you talk, height, eyes, hair…” He’s making this so long. 

“Paul!” He stops with a smile. “Just say it” 

“Well, you’re different but somehow you can be similar, like right now” He makes a pause, he gets comfy on the floor. How? I don’t know. “The other day I saw Cyrus and he was making weird expressions too…and now you’re doing it…and you always say ‘okay but’ when we are texting…and, Cyrus did the same thing when I was texting with him…” He stays quiet for some seconds. “You two pass too much time together…you are starting to act similar…like a couple…” He says ‘couple’ barely audible, but I get what he said. 

But I don’t think we are starting to act like each other, that’s ridiculous. We are close, yes, but assuming such a thing…I don’t know, that’s weird. Because it is, right? I don’t go out there saying the stuff Amber and Iris say…or Paul…Alright Thelonious, you need some answers right now…or later? I don't know. 

Cyrus’ POV

The things at the theater have been cool, stressful but cool, I only had two attacks since we started with this. I’m excited but still a bit afraid, it’s not like this has gone, it’s getting better but is still here, it feels like I’m only waiting for an attack to surprise me. TJ told his parents the other day about his attacks, I thought I had to do the same, and I did it, now I’m kind of feeling better but this is a long process. I can’t believe how much TJ inspires me to do, his notes helped me with the play, I finally told my parents about the attacks, he’s inspiring me to do things that make me feel good with myself. Well, I always felt good around him, but now is because of me, and because of how he inspires me. He’s always in my mind, it’s strange but it happens. I have been feeling different about him, I don’t know what is but you know, it’s like…it’s like…it’s like…uhm…you understand, right? I can’t describe it. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone, especially the girls, they have so much going on with them. Actually, we’re going to The Spoon so we can talk about everything that’s bothering us lately, well, what is bothering them, I’m going to tell them about my attacks. I sent a message to TJ about it and he said I was brave. I don’t know if I’m brave but it is a big step. 

I enter and see the girls already at a table. I approach them and take a sit; Buffy looks really happy, but Andi looks worried, I think, she looks…I don’t know, something’s wrong with her. We order the food and everything looks normal, we’re eating when Andi shares her news. 

“I’m going to be a big sister” She keeps staring at her milkshake. Buffy and I almost choke with ours. “That’s why my parents have been acting strange” She looks at us. “What am I supposed to do?” 

“That’s incredible Andi!” Buffy smiles. 

“You’re going to be the best sister!” I say. Her expression is changing. 

“Are you sure guys?” She smiles shyly. 

“Definitely” Buffy and I say in unison. 

Andi started to feel better after that; Buffy shared her good news, and now I’m hesitating on telling them, we were supposed to say not good news today. I’m not sure of what it’s going to happen or what they’re going to say, and after they shared good news…I don’t know…how do you tell your friends about it? I’m sure it was easier with my parents. Which is funny because usually telling your friends should be the easiest thing in the world, but for me, it’s not, at least not right now. 

“Guys, I'm working on something since my parents told me about the baby, so what do you think? Is it beautiful?” Andi’s question makes me pay attention to them again. 

“Are you really asking us?” Buffy’s holding her laugh. 

“I find it interesting” I say in the way I always do; the girls turn to me. 

“Not the interesting Cyrus” Andi says. 

"Why not?" My 'interesting'  is the best. 

“I need more than just that word…” Andi makes a pause. “This is important” She looks serious.

“Alright” I look at my milkshake. “What do you mean by beautiful?” They exchange looks. 

"What do you mean by that?" Buffy's expression says it all. 

"Well, beauty is different for everyone" I make a little pause. "Something is beautiful if you decide it is beautiful if you want it to be beautiful" I take a sip of my milkshake.

They look confused. 

"But, yes, it's very beautiful Andi!" I say trying to fix what I said before; it wasn't bad but maybe it wasn't the right time to say it. 

After a long talk about how can Andi be a good, cool sister and all the art she's already making for the baby, and how she was afraid of not having time for the baby since she’s already 21; I’m finally on my way home. Buffy tried to tell her that she’s going to be a good sister, plus, she has us…honestly, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, I can’t picture us babysitting with Andi, we can bake, we are amazing, but taking care of an infant, yeah that’s different. I don't even have siblings. I enter my house and watch if there’s anyone around, but I’m alone. I go to my room and start reading a book TJ gave me, he’s now choosing books and it’s cool because some of them are new to me. And they’re super interesting, he has good taste. 

But you know what I have been doing all this day? Asking if TJ has finished the song he told me about. I know it’s been difficult for them. Paul told me they have no idea what to write, and it was a few hours ago. TJ is always saying how much Jonah wants him to write a love song but apparently, he doesn’t have the inspiration to do it…I mean, he reads books with me so that shouldn’t be hard, I have the girls’ experiences so why TJ doesn't just ask Amber and Iris? I’m sure they have some stuff that can help him…maybe I can help him…but will he want me to help him? He helped me with my script…he doesn’t know that, but he did. I’ve been thinking so much about the script these days because it doesn’t feel like I write it all based on the notes. I’m feeling weird lately every time I read the notes again or when I’m in the theater the only thing in my mind is…TJ…why? I don’t know. Do I know what it means? Obviously not. Am I starting to suspect something else? The hell I am. 

I start walking around my room, I have this in my mind lately; I haven’t told the girls about it because they are going to say “I knew it!” and I don’t want that, not yet. Is this how people feel when they know? When they realize? Because it doesn’t feel like a party if I’m honest…I stand in front of my mirror. I don’t have an idea for how long it has been or when did I started…or how it happened because I know it’s been a while but I just realized. I take a deep breath. Getting all this stuff running through my mind, trying to get the answer. Then a few minutes after looking at my reflection, I get it.

“Wait a minute Cyrus” I say to myself. “You like TJ” I look at my hands and then to the mirror. “You like him in that way” How am I supposed to react to this? What am I supposed to do? 

I get a text from the girls again. We just met but they want to go out again. How much free time do they think I have? I'm in the middle of a big event in my life right now.

TJ’s POV

It took us a while but we finally have the song…well…we have the lyrics and that’s a huge step. I tried to not care about what Paul said early so it could be easier to finish our song and it worked. We are a good team. Paul is very talented and annoying too, in a good way. But I have to be honest I’m still thinking about what he said…but I also have what I believe and that is…Cyrus and I are just friends, we count on each other, I know I can tell him everything…well, not everything. I’ve been thinking about Cyrus and he’s starting to look different. I don’t know if it’s something he’s not telling me but probably it’s just me. I get really happy whenever he sends me a text and it’s weird, even for me, because I don’t want Paul to be right, I don’t want to like him like that, we function great as friends why would I ruin it? Also, I’m not good when I like someone, I don’t know what to say or how to act and well, I get scared. How do you manage to have a crush on someone? Some people are good at it, Amber, and they extremely confident and then there are other kinds of people that they’re a mess, me, and they don’t understand how they can be so bad at this. I have seen Amber many times do this so easily and then I’m a disaster, I am a mess, a real mess, so that’s why I can’t have a crush on Cyrus, he’s too cool, he’s probably like Amber, well I think so, he has that type of personality…at least to me. Sometimes I feel like he’s more relaxed when we are together than with all the guys, and honestly, I’m like that too, I feel different around him…in a good way. 

“I have to go” Paul’s voice sounds loud. “You’re making those expressions again…TJ Goodman” He winks. 

“Really? TJ Goodman? That’s the best you have?” I try to look serious but come on TJ Goodman? Paul you…man. 

“I think it sounds cool” He smiles. 

“You can’t stay for some time more? My mom is probably cooking something for you” I say as I grab my phone and try to change the topic. 

“Free food? I’m staying” He says. 

I have a message from Cyrus, he’s going out with the guys and Libby, Libby, she's a cool girl but she never goes out with them…Cyrus is inviting us. That’s cool but my mom is already cooking for us…she loves Paul, he comes to my house all the time…I’m sure they think we’re dating, I can see it in their eyes, but Paul actually has a crush on Iris, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. But he also looks kind of interested in Walker so it’s confusing, but I suppose he really likes Iris, he keeps asking me stuff about her. 

“Do you want to go out?” I ask Paul, he’s sitting on the floor looking at the lyrics we wrote. 

“Uhm…No” He says slowly. “I prefer your mother's food” 

“Cyrus is going out with everyone and Libby” I look at the screen again. “But you're right, my mother's food is better” I look to Paul again smiling. 

“But if you want to go that's okay” Paul’s trying not to laugh. He’s thinking the usual: you have a crush on Cyrus. 

“I'm not leaving without you” I keep looking at my phone. "My mom adores you, I don't want her to give you my room" I laugh.

“Let’s go and help your mother, so she makes you share your room with me” He stands up and gives me the papers. “Don’t you feel like they think we are in a relationship?” Oh, that confused look on Paul’s face, I see that often. 

“Yeah, tell them you like Iris and everything will be fixed” I smile. 

“Iris? I don’t like her” Paul’s tone…yeah, he’s lying. 

“You’re such a bad liar” I laugh. 

“What?” He’s laughing too. “I’m not lying” Sure, Paul. 

“Just admit you like her” I put my hand in his shoulder. 

“No, you admit you like Cyrus” He does the same. 

Before I can say another thing, my mother tells us to go to the kitchen, we helped her with some stuff, she laughed a lot with Paul and she smiled at me when that happened. She really thinks we are together. We eat and keep talking, my father joined us, he has the same look. How do you tell your parents that you are not dating your best friend? We could be siblings, literally family, we are in a band together, so, I don't get it. Anyway, they love Paul, we stay talking for a while, I check my phone constantly since Cyrus is texting me. Now Paul has that look on his face. Everything just gets weirder and weirder. Everything gets different. It feels different. I keep thinking…what if my parents meet Cyrus? Will they think we are together? Or is it just a Paul thing? Will they like Cyrus? I’m just…curious. 

Cyrus’ POV

I’m sitting with the girls and Jonah and Marty…and Walker at the pizza place, I had to say yes, so I couldn’t finish that talk to myself about TJ and my…recently discovered feelings for him…I even invited him to come so I can clear my mind and confirm that I like him or…deny it. Andi and Walker start talking about what they did at the gallery today, Libby is so happy about it, she’s going to work with them now, and those are amazing news. Buffy talks about her classes from this week, Iris said she’s going to start taking classes with Buffy. Jonah and Marty start talking about their band and how they asked TJ and Paul to write a song together. I’m just listening to them talking and talking, I don’t want to talk about the play and I’m not paying enough attention to them…but when Jonah mentioned TJ, my eyes went from my phone to him. So…I really like him. Does that even count as a way to confirm it? Well, no, but the way I preferred to talk to TJ via messages and not paying any attention to my friends has to mean something. 

“Cyrus, how are the things going at the theater?” Iris asks me. 

“It’s been good” I answer looking at Libby. Andi and Buffy share looks. 

“Who are you texting?” Buffy takes a sip from her drink. 

“Nobody” I say as fast as my mouth can. Big mistake Cyrus. 

“It doesn’t look like nobody” Andi turns to me. 

I don’t know what to do. So, I must do what I usually do in situations like this. Going somewhere else for some minutes. 

“I have to call my parents, I’ll come back in a minute” I leave the table. Well, I leave the place, I go straight to the exit to have some air. 

The air feels nice, the cold feels nice, the people outside look nice, everything is nice, for now. I stare at the flowers near the pizza place, they look so pretty. Flowers really help me to clear my mind because as soon as I see some of them…TJ comes to my mind…because he’s allergic to bees. But he still came to my mind. Even if is because of his allergies. I like his allergies, we can stay in a closed place, like the bookstore or my room, and I can see his face when he’s reading, but when we’re at the park I like to see how he’s trying to look for anything that can cause him an allergic reaction…that’s why we have our bench, it’s in the perfect place. Oh, Cyrus. Yes, I like TJ…I have feelings for him…I have a crush on him. 

Cyrus, are you scared? Definitely. But in a good way. It’s just that, I’m not sure if he likes me back and I don’t like the feeling. But yes, I like TJ…a lot. How did it happen? I don’t know yet. When did it start? I have no idea. It’s been a while since it? Absolutely. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

I’ve been acting weird these days…well, month…and a half…ok almost two months, a few days to go for the two months, when I’m with TJ. No one told me this was going to be difficult, being around him, and talk to him, or just looking at him; I’m pretty sure my eyes can tell everyone that I have a crush on him…but, I don’t want anyone to know, so I try to tell TJ indirectly but…this man is impossible, he can’t get a simple signal; it’s like “Hello, I like you” with actions and he’s like “Oh, you liked that part of the book too?”, I just can’t. 

We are in the gallery with everyone else; Andi, Walker, and Libby needed some help. I guess The Sandwiches are getting more popular here in Shadyside they are playing in the gallery again and in two days in Red Rooster, they also played at one of Andi's parties. TJ told me they’re playing their new song, the one he and Paul wrote, I still remember when they spent a whole day writing the lyrics but it took them more time to decide the rhythm of the song. A love song written by TJ…and Paul…how does TJ get the inspiration? Did I help him a little? I guess I’m listening too much to the girls, they keep saying about the vibe I have with him, and I like to believe he likes me back, but what if he doesn’t? I’m not sure how can I say how scary that is…just by thinking about confessing my feelings…I don’t do that, come on. But if I had to do it, I better think in a good and original way, it has to be private, I don’t like exposing myself and others to the rest. 

Walker keeps talking; he wants us to decorate in a very fun and original way; I look at TJ who’s already looking at me, he smiles and then looks at the stuff Andi is showing us it has nice colors and textures…and I don’t have an idea of what I’m saying. Why was TJ staring at me? I was doing the expressions Paul mentioned the other day? I have to stop doing that; Andi makes teams, so we can help, and guess what? I’m with TJ…and Paul. I see Andi, Libby, and Walker doing the complicated things; Bowie, Jonah, and Marty trying their best with some other stuff; Buffy, Amber, and Iris moving things…and for us, TJ is asking Paul if he remembers what Andi told us, he does. Paul starts working with TJ while I stare at them…at TJ…doing all the work. This kind of reminds me of the theater and how everyone is doing many things, but, I’m just standing there next to Cece, and I wish this could do the same but no, I have to help but I have no idea of what to do. 

“Cyrus, I would appreciate it if you help us” Paul says. 

“Oh, yeah, sorry” I stand next to TJ. 

“Uhm…I have to ask something to…uhm…Walker…” Paul goes in Walker’s direction, leaving us alone, but first, he gave TJ a strange look. What if he already knows I like TJ? No, wait that’s impossible. Right? 

TJ asks me about the play and how is everything going…I’m not going to lie, just listening to him asking me about my job makes me the happiest person in this gallery. I move so I can grab a part of the decoration, I look at him. He looks so…tall…so handsome, I could stare at him for hours; I answer his questions with a smile, if smiles and eyes talked TJ would already know how much I like him. He meets my eyes and then he looks away. I should be doing that not him. I’m the one with the crush, not him. Paul comes back and tells us what we have to do. He glances at TJ who’s looking at his shoes. I ask Paul where should I put the decorations and leave, in the middle of my way I look back at them…at TJ. He’s talking with Paul, smiling but confused. I hear Buffy calling me so I turn to her. She’s with Iris laughing, I only wave at them; I concentrate on the decorations, this is important to Andi so it’s important to me. But I can’t stop looking in TJ’s direction, he’s alone…well, decorating. His hair looks really good today…and his profile, I don’t want to be that person but…his profile is…you know what I mean. He moves his head in my direction without actually looking at me but I move my head as fast as I can finishing my part. I keep pretending I still have stuff to do, I can’t let him know I was actually staring at him. After some minutes I turn to his place again looking for him but he’s not there, I move my head trying to find where the hell is he, he was there like three minutes ago. My eyes meet Andi’s, she smiles and then turns to Libby. Amber smiles at me and I do the same. I turn to my decorations visibly disappointed. 

“Need help?” TJ appears next to me; I turn to him. He’s there, smiling. I can’t with this, help. 

“No, I was about to finish” I say in the most neutral tone possible. 

“Then I’ll go” He smiles again. Not a big one this time. 

I look at him leaving, he’s still struggling with his decorations. I can’t find Paul, and I already finished…I smile to myself and make my way to him. He’s still trying to find the perfect place. 

“Need help?” I copy his tone and smile. He turns to me.

“Actually, yeah, I need help” He smiles. “I’m not good at this” He looks at, not going to lie, the mess he did.

“Decorating? I see” I laugh. 

“We haven’t talked much lately” He turns to me, staring me right in the eyes. 

“Well, we’ve been busy” I start fixing what he did. 

“Yes, we’ve been busy” He helps me. “Want to go for a coffee…or tea?” I turn to him. 

“Sounds good” I smile. 

We stayed decorating TJ’s part, and once Paul came back, he had a suspicious smile on his face, he told us we can leave now but we have to come back in an hour or less, it depends on how much Andi needs our help, TJ nods, and we leave the gallery. We don’t walk a lot but we could appreciate how pretty Shadyside looks today. Maybe it feels pretty because I’m finally alone with TJ after so long. We enter the café; he orders the drinks. We talk and talk…and talk, I look at him in the way I’m sure he can take the hint…but he seems to not get it; he smiles a lot by the way. 

TJ’s POV

After a kind of stressful time at the gallery, and a nice time with Cyrus, we prepare to play at the gallery, this time was earlier so we can go home at a good hour. Marty and Jonah are super excited, on the other hand, Paul is quiet, reading something on his phone. I take a look around the gallery to find Cyrus, he’s been acting weird, like, when we were decorating, he seemed kind of distant but in the café, he smiled a lot and he didn’t stop staring at me. It felt like that night on his house…how close we were, I remember every part of his face very well; and I noticed what Paul said, the expressions he makes, but then he looked at me and I didn’t think of anything better than just smile. Then I tried to help him with his decorations and failed. I don’t know why I care about these things. 

“Are you ready?” Paul asks me. 

“Yeah, we’re finally playing our song” I smile. 

“It’s a big moment” He smiles. 

“It’s time guys” Jonah calls us. 

We make our way to our instruments. Jonah introduces us, I can see the people, those many faces that were mainly there to see some art, and now they’re about to listen to four guys…to The Sandwiches. There are new faces this time…that makes me a bit nervous; I end up looking for Cyrus, and I find him just in time. We start playing the song, my and Paul’s song, our baby, the song that took us many hours to finish…I keep looking at Cyrus when my parts come, anyone can assume I was singing to him…that this song was for him. Andi and Buffy exchange looks, I’m afraid they may think what I just said, but I can only find the courage when I’m looking at him, my nerves go away when I’m around him. Only looking at him inspires me somehow. We play three more songs; Jonah and Marty really enjoyed playing them, Paul kept his concentration and I tried not to look at Cyrus all the time…I also looked at Amber and Iris smiling. Marty thanked everyone for listening to us and for coming to the amazing event the gallery organized, he mentioned Andi, Libby, and Walker for the beautiful decoration they did this time; Walker added that we all helped too. Everyone looks so happy to be there, I feel happy too. Paul and I take a look at all the art this time, we were laughing and admiring how talented the people can be. Paul noticed Cyrus staring at us while he was talking to Bex, so he thought it was a good idea to go and say ‘hi’, I didn’t have much time to protest because a few seconds later we were in front of them; Bex smiled and congratulated us for our presentation, she said she really likes our songs, Cyrus said we have talent. Cyrus and I were exchanging some looks and smiles every time he complimented us, but apparently, we weren’t the only ones exchanging looks because Paul and Bex did it too, but not in the same way as us. 

Cyrus and I left Paul and Bex talking, I don’t get how they became friends. Anyway, we were walking around the gallery and exchanging our points of view from every piece. I look at him every time he starts to talk, he said some deep stuff, he’s a very, very, interesting man. 

“Art is amazing, isn’t it?” He asks me while we were in front of a painting. 

“Yes, it is, this artist is super talented” I start. “He captured the feeling of love in this one” He turns to me. 

“You think so?” He examines the painting. “What makes you think this is about love?” I glance at him, clearly confused. 

“The name says it” I point at the name tag. Cyrus looks embarrassed and lets out an ‘oh’. 

We laughed after that happened, it was nice, but now, I’m on my way to my house to tell my mother everything, she couldn’t make it to the gallery because she had to help my father with something, but I can tell her how good everything went. I keep walking through the streets full of people, the trees looking extremely beautiful, and the not-so-cold-anymore wind making everything feel like a movie. I enter my house and look for my parents but they aren’t home. I go to my room, make my way to my bed, and grab a book. I start reading some lines from it but all I have in my head is Cyrus. How he looked when I was singing the song I wrote with Paul, his smiles, and how he moved his head to the rhythm. I have that moment of the love painting and how confused he looked in my mind, how his eyebrows make him look so cute…and the moment he realizes the name tag…it was so funny and cute, and I don’t know…I smile just by remembering it, his ‘oh’ and how big my smile was at that moment…just like it is right now; I try to keep reading the book but right when I read the next paragraph…Cyrus invades my head again…these words made me think of him. Like I usually do. Everything feels so different lately, but I still don’t know why. 

I shake my head and focus on the book, but I can’t, a whale of realization comes to me, hitting me hard. 

“Oh my god, I like Cyrus!” I put the book down. 

Yes, that’s why it feels different, I have feelings for him…Paul was right damn it. But, I can’t tell anything, not yet, oh no, my biggest fear, liking someone, and not just someone…it's Cyrus. We were supposed to be just friends and now I have a crush on him. For how long? I don’t know. I don’t even know how it happened…this is new information…what am I supposed to do now? Should I wait? Should I confess? But confess what? I don’t know how big are my feelings for him. I better wait. I need some time to process the whole thing. 

Cyrus’ POV

He captured the feeling of love in this one.

The name says it. 

I really thought he was talking about love because he was with me. That was stupid Cyrus. The girls told me he looks very close to Paul…and well, they are close, they’re best friends…they can’t be dating, right? But what if they are? No, no, they’re definitely not dating. But something is going on, maybe TJ knows something or Paul knows something, the way Paul was smiling at us…that means something…what if he already knows I like TJ and he told him but, TJ doesn’t believe it’s true, and that’s why Paul wanted us to be alone? It’s a possibility. Or…what if TJ likes me? No, that’s not credible, at least for me. I still don’t know why he was staring at me or why he offered his help but, it can mean anything, not that he likes me back. 

I can’t stop thinking about how he looked at the gallery…and when he was singing? And looking at me? Why he does that? What does it mean? It’s not the first time, and I really want to know why he does that every single time. Buffy said that it was clear that he likes me, but I’m not sure. Cyrus, Cyrus, you are thinking way too much the things, maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but you still think it does…TJ has said before that he feels good around you…probably he was looking at me because he doesn’t want to feel nervous, and by seeing at a familiar face, he could feel safe…maybe it’s just that, and I’m here trying to convince me it means something more…I wish it, but that’s not the reality right now. Too bad. Too sad. 

I open my computer and start writing something…I’m not sure what this is, but it’s going to be amazing. I write and write…and erase sometimes, clearly inspired. Without noticing I was writing about TJ, I usually don’t write about my own feelings, but now I’m doing it…The main character is literally TJ with a different name…but the behavior and how I described him…well, it’s all TJ. I look at the words I just wrote; I stand up and start walking around my room. There has to be a reason why I started to like him, but I can’t understand it right now. I go to my books and grab one I read with TJ when we started to know each other more. I open it and start reading his notes…such beautiful words…maybe I fell for his words? Is that possible? What if he opened his true self in these notes…TJ has always been so open, authentic, unique. He’s been himself, and that’s what I admire from him…probably that’s what I like about him…but it’s just…I like many things about him, I can’t say only one reason why I like him so much. I don’t have an idea when it started or how it happened yet, all I know is that my feelings for him are different than for any another person, they are stronger; I put the book down and check my phone. 

“Cyrus! Why you left so early? Come to Andi’s house, it’s important!” Buffy’s voice fills my room. 

“I had to check something in my house” Yeah, sure. “Something happened?” I ask. 

“Just come and see” She hangs up. 

“Thank you, Buffy Driscoll” I say to my phone. “Did something bad happened? Or they just want to bake something again? I better go and see what’s going on” I say as I leave my room. 

 I start walking to Andi’s house; I’d be lying if I say I’m not worried, all I want is for everyone to be safe. Breathing starts to become difficult. 

Not right now, please. 

I keep walking, almost running actually. My head feels kind of heavy, and I feel dizzy. Am I fainting? That’ can’t be possible. Outside Andi’s house, I try to breathe normally, it doesn’t happen, I stay there in front of the door. Why does everything felt nice, too nice to be true. I feel a hand on my shoulder; I’ve been staring at my shoes while hyperventilating. The person calls my name…it’s Andi, she helps me go inside her house, Buffy’s voice is the next thing I listen to. I have no good memories of Andi’s house because you know, I had an attack in her bathroom…but now they are here, trying to help. Their tones tell me how worried they are. After some minutes, I feel better. 

“Cyrus are you okay? What was that?” Andi asks. 

“An attack” I say as I drink from the water Buffy hands me. 

“Wait, you have those? Since when?” Buffy sits in front of me, next to Andi. 

“Some time ago” I look at my shoes. “I was about to tell you the other day, but Andi shared her exciting news that…” I look at them. “I thought it was better if I kept it for a few days more” 

“Cyrus…” Andi starts. I’m pretty sure my eyes are reflecting how bad I feel right now, and that's what she sees. “I’m glad you told us now” She gives me a warm smile. 

“Yeah, you can count on us” Buffy says. “It’s always been like that” I turn to her. 

Out of all the ways I considered telling them, having an attack in front of Andi’s door wasn’t on the list. I was so afraid of telling them, after all those good news and exciting projects they have, the illusion of the perfect lives my friends have compared to me, made me feel bad, but now I know that you’re not supposed to be perfect, I’m not supposed to show people the 'perfect Cyrus'  because there is no perfect one, life is about making mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and in this case, allowed to not be okay, to have attacks without this having to be a secret or something to be ashamed of, thinking it was wrong, is a mistake I made and now I’m learning from it, I’m growing, I don’t have to be the perfect Cyrus, I’m okay as the mess I am. I’m doing good, I’m loved and I have the support of my friends. Things have a different point of view now. 

TJ’s POV  

Paul came to my house by surprise, my mom was happy to have him here with us, but he looks strange. He’s with my father looking at some magazines, he’s usually very interested in whatever my father shows him, but he looks kind of…sad. What could have happened? 

Paul and I go to my room, so we can have some privacy to talk; he sits in my bed, and I start to walk around the room, I stop at the books, grab one, and sit next to Paul. He’s still quiet, he’s usually quiet, but he’s scaring me now, I thought he was going to say something about me and Cyrus walking around the gallery, laughing and all of that, but he hasn’t said a single word, so, something is wrong with Paul. 

“I didn’t want to say this to your parents but…” Paul starts. “Like two hours ago I received a message from my mom, my dog passed away…” He takes a deep breath. “And well, we’re best friends…so…I came here because I need you” He turns to me, trying to smile. 

“I’m sorry about your dog” I hug him. “Take your time for this, I can tell the guys you can’t play at Red Rooster” 

“It’s not necessary” He breaks the hug. “My dog always loved whenever I played the drums, it stayed with me for hours happily staring at me” He smiles. “I’m doing it for my dog, this is what it would want me to do” 

“In that case, we’re giving your dog something to be proud of” I smile. 

“Thank you, TJ” He says. 

“For what?” The confused look on my face, his smile says it all. 

“For being my friend, for being here for me, thank you” Paul’s words made me realize something, I have never said that to him or Cyrus before. 

“Thank you, for being my friend too” I make a pause. “I never said it before, but I’m glad you’re in my life” 

We smiled at each other for a few seconds, and then, he starts telling me stories about his dog, how it was always dancing with his mom, making everybody in his family happy. He has a big family, so they all loved going to his house so the dog would play with them. It seems like a nice friend; I would love to meet his dog, for some reason his dog was at his sister's place because it needed medical attention. And talking about nice friends, Amber and Iris sent some messages to our group chat. That I didn’t see until Paul left. 

Two queens and teej 

Amber:  TJ we need to talk 

Iris:  Don’t say it like that it sounds too serious

Amber:  It is serious! 

TJ:  What happened? Are you both okay?

Iris:  Yes, don’t worry

Amber:  We need you to come to Iris’ house

TJ:  Right now? Why? 

Iris:  We miss you :(

TJ:  Give me an hour, I have something to plan with the band 

TJ:  I love you girls :)   

The next thing I did was calling Marty and Jonah, I have a good plan in mind and I need their help. 

Cyrus’ POV

I woke up at Andi’s house and got a message from TJ he wants me to help him and the band, except Paul, with a plan. I still don’t have any information about it, but I’m in, just think about it, I help him and get to spend some time with him, we all win. But, right now I have other things to do; I’m walking through our beautiful and not-so-cold-anymore Shadyside, last night I realized how much I need some time to figure out this, liking someone takes a lot of your concentration, Cece texted me about a small thing of the play and I was clueless of what she meant. It’s not been long but all I think about is TJ…how can I even be part of the play now? I trust Cece, she’s an amazing, and hardworking woman who can do this…I only need to tell her about it, she’s not going to jump of happiness I know that; I have some stuff I want to answer to myself, I made a list of the things I should clear and after I do that I’m coming back to the play; I keep walking and looking at every single thing I have in front of me, trees, people, dogs, birds, everything. I take a deep breath and call Cece, she’s with Bex talking about makeup and drinking coffee; she turns to me and smiles while she approaches me. 

“Hello Cyrus” She looks so happy. How am I going to do this? 

“Hello” I smile. You can do this Cyrus. “I have to talk to you, it’s important” There’s no way to not say it, this is the time. 

“What is it?” She keeps smiling. 

“Well…I don’t know how to say it” I nervously laugh. 

“Just say it, we have things to do” Her smile it’s bigger, this is not her happy smile, this is her ‘the time, look at the time, I’m a busy woman’ smile. 

I was about to tell her when Joseph arrived, he walked in our direction, he doesn't look happy. Cece looked at him and then at me, I'm not sure but she knows something, something important. 

"Look who's here" Joseph finally says. 

"Hello" I look at him. 

"Cyrus, how hard do you think you're working on this play?" He went straight to the point. 

"I'm trying my best" I honestly say. 

"No, you're not" He has that look on his face. "Try harder, work harder, you're not doing enough, you're living in the clouds lately, if this turns out a mess then it's going to be your fault" He's not happy at all. "So I need to know, do you have the concentration and dedication for this play or not? Child who lives in the moon" Ouch, I know I've been distracted but this…all the words he just said…

“Okay” I open my mouth but nothing comes out. I close my eyes and then, with all the courage that I actually don’t know where I got it. I finally speak. “There are too many questions I have to answer to myself right now” I look at Cece and then at him. “I’m not sure I can concentrate in this play for now” Her eyes are wide, his face showing how mad he is right now. “I said for now…I have to clear my mind about something else first” She looks relaxed now, well, not fully relaxed, but I only need just a bit, but Joseph…yeah he doesn't look like that at all, he says an 'alright' and leaves, Cece is still here.

“I’ll be waiting for you Cyrus” She says as she places her hand on my shoulder. “I can take care of the play, don’t worry” She moves her head a little. 

“Thank you” I smile. “I have to do something with Andi…” She takes a sip from her coffee then our eyes meet. “But I’m coming back, I promise, it’s just a for a very short time” 

“You can leave, I just told you I can take care of everything” She smiles. This is a good one. 

I give Cece a hug and leave the theater, I’m not exactly going with Andi because she has work to do on the gallery. I keep walking until I stop a few steps away from the bookstore, I smile just by seeing TJ waiting outside. I approach him. He turns to me once I say his name, he smiles and offers me to go inside the bookstore. Why this makes me feel so happy? Oh, TJ look what you made of me. When we enter Jonah and Marty are already there, so we’re not alone, sad. He explained what he wants to do for Paul, he didn’t tell us exactly why, but we all are happy to help. 

Chapter Text

TJ’s POV

I explained to the guys what we’re doing for Paul, to show support for the loss of his dog, to try to do something good for him. He’s been amazing to every single one of us, he’s been the best, best friend I could ask for, and seeing him like that makes me feel bad, and now I’m actually worried about him, he’s been practicing a lot with the drums, from what his mother told me, this is our chance to give him a show in Red Rooster that he won’t forget…in a good way, I hope; I may not be the best leader, but I know how to plan things and get people to follow through, and, this is a good opportunity to work on that thanks I want to say to Cyrus, I only need the right place and time. But now we have to focus on Paul. 

“Don’t you think we need more help?” Cyrus asks. 

“Yeah, maybe we can ask the girls” Marty turns to me. 

“Sure, I’ll text Amber” I smile. 

TJ:  I need your help, can you tell the girls to come? 

Amber:  Where?

We can’t go to my house, or Jonah’s because Paul already knows those places. And the only person in my mind was… 

TJ:  Cyrus'

Amber:  See you there then 

Why did I say, Cyrus? I don’t know, I could have said “At your house, I’ll take the boys with me”, but no, I had to say Cyrus’ place, could I have been any more obvious? Now with all this “I like Cyrus” thing, well, it’s been one day, but I still feel different, I’m not sure how I am doing this with him…and the others, Why don't I know how to act around him? I’m pretty sure I’m going to make everything so obvious about my crush. I don’t have an idea about how you should act around your crush…but no, TJ, no, you have to think about the surprise for Paul, we need all the help someone can get, but without making it suspicious, that guy can see something weird on everything, he likes to do that. 

On our way to Cyrus’ house, I can notice Marty and Jonah excited over the plan, they keep talking about their part of it, and honestly, I’m sure they’re going to do an amazing job. I have something on my mind for the girls. Should I put Cyrus on a team with them? Or with me? I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, me on a team with him…again… but this time is for a different reason but I’m afraid I could get too nervous around him, or say something stupid, or being too obvious, I can’t ask someone what to do. It might be a mess, but it can also be a great opportunity to be around him and see how serious are my feelings for him. Yeah, that sounds good. 

I turn to Cyrus, he’s now talking to Jonah, they’re talking about Jonah’s parents, it’s something good. Marty is next to me telling me how excited he is, maybe he just wants to talk, he talks a lot, probably that’s why he’s friends with Jonah. After a few minutes, we’re finally at Cyrus’ house, the girls are already there to tell us that we’re late, but it wasn’t our fault that Marty had to stop near his house to go to pee. 

“So, we’re just doing this for Paul because…” Andi tries to understand everything. 

“His dog passed away and he feels bad, I thought this could be a good thing to cheer him up a little” I notice how the girls have their “aww”  look on their faces. 

“This is really nice of you TJ” Buffy smiles. 

“Being an amazing friend as usual” Amber turns to her smiling. 

“We all are his friends…” I make a pause. “Right? You’re his friends?” Why am I confused right now? Oh yeah, because Cyrus Goodman is in front of me…staring at me…with his extremely beautiful hazel eyes…and that smile…making me nervous as hell. 

“Of course we are” Iris says. “We’ll help, just tell us what do you need” 

“Glad you asked because I need two of you to distract him for…uhm…hours” I glance at the girls. 

“We need Bex” Andi pulls out her phone and starts typing. 

“What about the rest of us?” Buffy asks. 

“Glad you asked Buffy because they really need a choreographer” Cyrus smiles. 

“We’re not that bad!” Jonah laughs. 

“I still don’t get what you’re doing” Walker sits next to Iris. 

“This may be embarrassing but” I take a breath. “We are singing and dancing to one of his favorite Big Time Rush’s songs” 

“Wait he is a fan?” Amber smiles. “That’s so sweet” 

“We need to go from band to boy group/boyband for him” Marty helps me to explain. 

“Then I definitely have some work to do” Buffy stares at us up and down. “Let’s go to the dance studio guys” 

We follow Buffy out of Cyrus’ home, but before that, I told the others the rest of the plan. We told Paul that the practice was canceled because I had a stomachache, with Bex, Libby, and Walker distracting him from going to my house we have time to practice the song for tomorrow. We also talked to Bowie, we had to tell him our plan and that we need to make some space to dance and then play with our instruments, he was happy to help us. Andi, Amber, and Iris were going to help us with finding some clothes that looked like something the guys from Big Time Rush would use. Buffy and Cyrus will be helping us with the dancing thing, I already know Paul knows the choreography and that’s part of the plan too, when we start dancing, he will join us so we can be complete. Cyrus is going to take his part in this one-day rehearsal. Also, he has worked with Buffy for the musical, we have everything covered. 

Cyrus’ POV

TJ asking Buffy to teach us the choreography was the worst idea he ever had, the intentions are nice, but that’s a terrible idea, she will be on full teacher mode and maybe Iris could warn us before, it’s been 35 minutes and we all feel like we could use a rest for…two weeks. Somehow, she gave us a five-minute break, but instead of going directly to TJ, I go and sit next to her, she’s staring at her phone watching a cat video, my eyes go to TJ, he’s talking and smiling with the guys, Jonah trying to show Marty how he looked dancing to the choreography and how TJ ended up bumping into me, more than once. It’s nice how these guys ended up being friends, at first it felt kind of strange but now, they have chemistry, and not only when they’re playing together, they really built a strong friendship day by day. TJ having more friends makes me really happy, he went from only having Iris and Amber, and then me, to have all of us, plus Buffy, Andi, Walker, Libby…even Bowie. I can see how he changed, how he grew, and honestly, it feels good, seeing him grow inspires me a lot. And what he’s doing for Paul, he’s really nice, a really good friend, they are very close and everybody knows it, him learning a whole choreography only because his best friend loves that song? …yeah, he’s something else. Without noticing I’ve been smiling the whole time; Buffy’s voice makes my smile disappear. 

“Are you okay? Or should I can doctor love?” I turn to see her smiling. 

“What are you talking about? I already told you, I don’t like TJ” A big lie. 

“Right, and I’m not having fun seeing all of you suck at the choreography” 

“You’re having fun? I thought you were annoyed” I smile. 

“You want me to record you and send it to Andi?” She shows me her phone. 

“Please don’t do that” I try to take her phone. 

“Break’s over!” She shouts to all of us. “Bring those poor dance skills to the center Goodman” She says as she stands up. 

I walk over to the guys, all of us visibly worried about not learning the choreography on time, TJ places his hand on my shoulder and smiles. Why did he have to have such a beautiful smile? I’m not sure if I can concentrate on dancing anymore…I smile back at him and we start with the first moves of the choreography. I’m not the best dancer and neither TJ…or Marty, but Jonah seems to enjoy the dance class a lot. I hope the guys can make a great performance tomorrow, this is going to mean so much for Paul. 

As we dance, think about what Buffy said, the thing about love, am I too obvious when I’m around him? What should I do? Tell him that I don’t want to help anymore because I can’t hide how I feel for him even though he doesn’t get it like the others? Yes, that’s not an option. I only have to focus on dancing and not look at TJ. But we keep bumping into each other, so Buffy decides to switch places, now I have Marty next to me, trying hard to remember the steps, while TJ and Jonah are getting better than us. Buffy keeps taking deep breaths before showing us a new step and I can’t blame her, we’re learning a whole choreography in one day. 

“I have an idea” TJ says as we’re all sitting on the floor. 

“Please don’t tell me you want to change the song because we’ve been here for four hours TJ Kippen” Says Marty. 

“Don’t worry it’s not that” He starts. “We dance until a certain part of the song and we finish the song with our instruments” 

“That’s actually a good idea” Jonah glances at Buffy and me. “In that way, you won’t have to stress over teaching us, and Cyrus won’t have to suffer with us” 

“And this is the song Paul played on the drums when we first met” TJ smiles. 

“You’re right! When we told him, he was in the band” Marty suddenly stands up. “Let’s practice the steps we already know and then we go to Jonah’s house to practice the song” 

“What about Paul?” I ask. 

“Right, we can’t let Bex make him stay in her house, I mean, other people live there” TJ stares at me, asking for some help. 

“She’s pregnant so, we can make Bowie tell Paul he needs him to take care of her for the rest of the day as he goes to find something for my play” I say and TJ’s face lightens up. 

“And Andi?” Buffy asks. 

“We can say Bowie needed help and she was the only one around” I answer her. 

“Cyrus, I love your brain” Says TJ as he approaches me and hugs me. This is too much, I let a small laugh come out and regret it so much. 

We start practicing the steps Buffy already tried to teach us, and we did pretty good, that’s enough for the guys. They thank us many times, buy us some coffee and tea, and leave in direction to Jonah’s house. As Buffy and I end up alone in the dance studio she suggests going for a walk. So that’s what we’re doing now, our job wasn’t that difficult, to be honest. It’s been a while since the both of us were alone, the theater doesn’t count. We’re always busy, and now that Buffy has her class it’s getting difficult to see her all the time, Andi has been doing a lot of stuff at the gallery with Libby and I was trying to focus on the play. I don’t know how to tell the girls that I’m no longer working in the theater for an undefined time. I hope it doesn’t take me long to go back there, it just that, right now everything feels so weird, I just need some time to think, maybe the walk with Buffy helps. 

There’s something in the air that makes this moment feel so warm, comfortable, how the trees and flowers move thanks to the wind, and how I can’t stop thinking of everything that has happened in the past months, like meeting TJ, not feeling comfortable around the girls and then feeling amazing with them again, my musical,  that script, the new play, The Sandwiches, the panic attacks, everything…it’s been a kind of a ride, but I’m glad how it’s going. 

Suddenly, Buffy and I get a text…from Andi. 

Good hair crew

Andi:  Guys I think my mom needs help 

Andi:  she said Paul wants to go to TJ’s house and see how’s he doing

Andi:  this is a great moment for a plan b 

Buffy texts Bowie about the changes we added to the plan a few minutes ago. I really hope Paul doesn’t suspect something, he’s super smart. 

TJ’s POV  

We spent the rest of the day practicing the song, Marty and Jonah told me about Paul wanting to go to my house, but before he could say or do something else, Bowie, and Cyrus’ plan, saved the day, but Paul sent us some messages to the group chat, only Marty replied telling him that he was with his mom on her cooking class. He was pretty serious about not practicing. But today is a new day, and the day, I’ve been dancing in my room so I don’t forget the steps right in the middle of our performance, Marty said he was doing the same and that his mom couldn’t believe he learned a part of the choreography. The day is, actually, beautiful, my parents came to my room and try to practice the steps with me and after eating breakfast they even helped me with the song, my mom was on my keyboard and my father simulating he had drums, and I played the guitar I bought a few months ago, the same one that now is used by my parents and me. They’re coming to see us play, so they are pretty excited over this, my dad wants to record us but my mom doesn’t want him to do it, I discussed it with the guys and Jonah agreed with my father, so now, they’re coming and filming us. I’m in my room reading the new book Cyrus gave me, he left many notes on a certain page, but as I'm finishing reading a note for the second time, a message from the guys makes me lose all my concentration on it.

The Sandwiches

Jonah:  You guys better be ready for today! 

Marty:  I was born ready 

Paul:  Ready 

TJ:  Yes, I’m ready, see you guys there 

Paul’s surprise team

Jonah:  IT’S THE DAY GUYS

Amber:  YES IT’S THE DAY GUYSSSS

Andi:  I can’t wait to see you dance 

Iris:  Please let me take a video, pleaseeee

Walker:  A video is a good idea

Bowie:  You better arrive at Red Rooster soon kids 

TJ:  On my way 

Marty:  I’m outside the store Bowie

Buffy:  You better make me proud with your dancing

Libby:  Good luck guys! 

After those messages, I go to the kitchen and tell my parents that I’m ready to go, my mom jumps with happiness and my father smiles a lot, once we are in the car, I stare at my phone reading the rest of the messages, they talk a lot but there wasn’t a single one from Cyrus, maybe he’s at the theater or he’s writing something amazing. He told me that he wants to try writing a novel, just like, in his words, Amber told him, he’s probably glued to his computer right now, I only hope he doesn’t miss the show, because, I’m going to dance in front of a good number of people, I need him there, and I want to thank him, I think I already have the correct words to say…I just need to be in the same room as him. I put my phone back on my jacket and sigh, I glance at the streets we’re passing and I spot him talking to Paul and Bex outside the café. Oh, the café, nice place, right? The café can be a good place to tell him what I'm planning to. 

When we arrive at Red Rooster my mom goes directly to all the instruments they have, typing things on her phone as my dad tells her math stuff. Jonah and Marty approach me and tell me we need that we must prepare, but before I could say anything else, Bex, Cyrus, and Paul walk into the store, Paul smiles at us, he says he’s ready to play, but then, he takes a look around the store and notices the missing chairs, I look at Bex, asking for help. Luckily, she tells him a very convincing lie; Andi and Walker, with a big box in his hands, tell us to go change our clothes, leaving Paul confused again, this time Cyrus tells the lie; we all change and wait for Bowie to introduce us. Paul doesn't seem to understand what we are going to do... which means the plan is working. Andi comes and tells us to go on stage. We tell Paul to go first since he's the youngest, that was Marty's idea, to be honest. 

We watch him walk away from us, and we run to where Buffy is, with smiles on our faces and the nervousness of failing with the choreography, we wait until Paul looks for us as he sits ready to play. Andi appears on stage and Paul is more confused than ever. When Libby starts playing the music his expression changes a bit, we make our way through the people there and start dancing…Paul surprised smiles at us during the first steps, then Andi tells him to join us, he happily walks off the stage and comes with us, the four of us dancing to one of his favorite songs from his favorite boyband, yes, that smile is the one we were looking for. The music stops. 

“Let’s go to the stage and finish the song” Jonah tells us, Paul, happy but still confused agrees.

We start playing and singing the song, I look at Paul who looks pretty happy right now, he sings a lot in this song, and even the people there seem to be enjoying the show; we finish the Big Time Rush cover and play three of our songs. I don’t look at Cyrus this time, I feel alive and one with our music, but inside I was remembering the book I was reading before, Cyrus left a note that was inspiring, he keeps helping me, I really need to thank him for everything. When we finish our performance and the people applaud, we go to Paul and hug him, we give him a big, warm, and comforting group hug. 

“I can’t believe you guys did that” Says Paul as he smiles at us. 

“Well, we wanted to do something for you, you’re our friend, you deserve to feel this good always Paul” I say. 

“Yeah, this was his idea” Jonah points out to me. 

“Even the dancing” Marty says making us all laugh. 

“You’re the best friends and bandmates I could ask for guys” Paul looks around the store. “Let’s go and enjoy this small event they have here, I need some drumsticks” 

We start walking around the store, my parents stop to talk with us, but as soon as I see Cyrus looking at the albums, I leave the guys talking with them. This is the moment I've been waiting for, him alone, it's the perfect opportunity, but I'm a little nervous. Cyrus sees me approaching where he is and smiles…his smile makes everything harder…I stand in front of him and start talking about the albums he’s looking at. We spend a few minutes like that, then I say the big phrase “I need to tell you something”, the moment when you can see the fear in his eyes and in mine too. I take a deep breath and let the words come out. 

“I thank you, Cyrus” I look at my shoes this time, then at him. “You helped me a lot during this time, I finally feel better, well not better, better, but you get it” Great job TJ ruining the moment. 

“I’m glad I could help you” He smiles. “That’s everything I wanted for you” 

“Before coming here I read the note you left on the book, the one about courage and being brave, and the one that said how much I inspire you…” His expression changes. “Well, you inspire me too…a lot” I smile. 

Those words were something I didn’t plan to say, but I had to, somehow it felt like a weight was lifted off both of our shoulders as if we were finally completely open to each other. And it feels amazing. 

Cyrus’ POV  

For a moment I thought TJ was confessing to me, but no, it didn’t happen, I was ready to say yes…maybe it was stupid to think that he likes me too…anyway, their performance was amazing, Buffy did a great job with them, and I was surprised that Paul already knew the steps…he really likes Big Time Rush. 

TJ and I talked about the book and how we inspire each other for a while, the girls were staring at us and the guys too, his parents even came and he finally introduced us, his father said he talks a lot about me…and the band…his mom is so sweet and nice, she tried to fix what her husband said. TJ told me to go outside for some minutes, he actually wanted to stop his parents from saying embarrassing stuff. We start walking and we make it to the theater, he asks me about the play and I tell him I’m getting a break from it, but I will invite him to the premiere, smiling and joking about the play and what he would wear that day and everything, I notice how good I feel around him, even though I’m nervous to be with him, he makes me feel great, and I didn’t mind being outside of the place that has been my headache for a while because I was with him, talking about my job here, and how it became stressful, but we were together…I need some help with this, I definitely need the girls' help. 

“TJ…” He stares at me…with those beautiful eyes of his. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. He's still waiting. “I thank you too…” I finally say. “Since you appeared in my life, I started to feel better, and I know things aren’t the best right now, but we are finally feeling better even if it's just a bit, I’m glad to have you in my life” I smile, and he comes closer to hug me. 

When we break the hug, we stare into each other's eyes for a while, you can tell something is going on here, maybe it’s that I have a crush on him but you can feel it, there’s a connection, a vibe, the thing everyone says, I’m finally feeling it…

“We should…” He tries to say something, I can feel his breath, oh how close we are now. “We should go back to Red Rooster” 

And that’s how our moment disappeared. Leaving me with a million questions in my head. 

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

The thought of telling the girls is a little strange, I never thought I would reach this moment, I don’t know where to start or how to say it, Buffy will probably say she was right, and that’s okay, it's just…well…I can’t find the words. Is it supposed to be this hard? I know I like him and that I need help with all of this, but I don’t know how to say this to my best friends. This is actually difficult and I thought it was the easiest part, I mean, I still don’t know if I want to confess to TJ, but that’s going to be hard as hell.

I keep walking through my room waiting for the girls to come over, they said they had to do something first with Cece, but that was almost two hours ago, waiting is not my favorite thing to do, especially when I’m about to tell them how I feel about TJ and that I need their help, this just gets more difficult. I still think about how close we were the other day. Ugh Cyrus you need to stop replaying the scene in your head. I hear Andi’s voice and a few seconds later Buffy opens my door…I've never been more relieved to see them. Andi hugs me and starts asking me about the play, she says Cece can’t wait for the premiere, and that she’s working hard, well, she always works hard. Buffy mentions the message I sent them earlier about something important to tell them, the nightmare starts right now.

“There’s something I discovered recently…and I need your help” I try to say in the slowest way possible.

“What is it?” Asks Andi.

“This better gives us main characters in your next play” Buffy jokes.

I hesitate for a moment to tell them, am I ready to say it out loud? To other people? Not just me, these are my best friends.

“I…” Nothing comes out, my mouth stays open for a few seconds, they keep staring at me. “I…I…” Come on Cyrus, this is your moment, just do it. “I…like…TJ…” I say a little hesitantly but I close my eyes right after saying his name.

There’s silence filling my room for almost a minute, I finally open my eyes, they’re smiling, great.

“Well, that’s not a surprise” Buffy sounds happy.

“It was kind of obvious, actually” They exchange looks.

“I don’t get it” What are they trying to say?

“Cyrus we’ve been telling you that for a long time” Andi sits in my bed.

“You’re just not good at those things” Buffy takes my arm and gestures for me to sit next to Andi, and then she sits down.

“Am I that obvious?” I don’t want to hear the answer.

“Yeah” They say in unison.

“What if he knows too?” That scares me a little.

“He doesn’t know” Says Buffy in a relaxed tone.

“How are you so sure?” I look at her. Now I can't stop thinking about that possibility.

“If you're bad at this, he's worse” She smiles in that particular way she has when she says something obvious.

TJ became our topic today, they were asking me a lot of things, but I didn't know how to respond to everything, maybe I need some time and fewer questions. After I answered most of their questions, Buffy tells us about her dance exhibition, well, she didn’t invite us, she told us we had work to do, this time is Buffy’s turn, the gallery doesn’t have any upcoming events for a while. How different is going to help with this instead of the gallery and Red Rooster? Well, I don’t know, but it’s going to be fun, I’m sure she’ll make the whole group help, and for that I mean, Jonah, Walker, Libby, Bex, the rest of The Sandwiches, everyone, so I have a chance to see TJ…I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, I mean if I’m that obvious, but we'll see how it all turns out.  

It's been a week since I told the girls, and during all this time I've only messaged with TJ, we haven't gone out alone or with other people, I always make an excuse to not go out, but today we are starting to help Buffy at the studio, as long as she doesn’t make teams…and I don't get paired with TJ everything will be fine, the gallery thing was something actually good, but a disaster too, I was too obvious, so this time it has to be different. 

I find Andi and Amber talking outside the studio, I smile at them and head inside. Buffy is giving some instructions to Bowie and Jonah; she definitely was born to be the boss. Apparently, I’m early, I thought Buffy told us to arrive at his hour; it’s not too early, by the way, there are times that I have to be at the theater…the theater…speaking of it, I guess I’m going back when we finish with this, I’ve been texting Cece every day at every hour…I miss it, but I don’t have the motivation to go back, I start to question if this place is really for me. I love it, I love writing and the feeling when we’re about to start the play or the musical, but recently I don’t feel like I love every part of it, it feels like we're in a constant fight, my head is a constant “Write this, do that, no, not that, you don’t understand it ”. What do you do when the motivation and inspiration aren’t there? I'm not sure if I still love my job, maybe it’s just me but…I have to reconnect with it, that’s why I’m going back, I need it, I need something to remind me why I love the theater so much. 

TJ’s voice sounds, as he enters with Paul, brings me back to the real world…he’s standing next to Paul listening to Buffy, Marty and Walker are the next ones that arrive, Libby, Bex, and Iris enter with some, not big and definitely with not much weight, boxes, Amber and Andi help them with some things; and now that everyone is here, Buffy starts to tell us what to do. I’m trying not to stare at TJ, but he has other plans, a minute later, without noticing he’s next to me. 

“Hello” He whispers. 

“You know that Buffy’s going to kill us if we don’t pay attention, right?” I do the same. 

“I wanted to talk to you, I haven’t seen you lately” His eyes are on Buffy while she has some of the decorations in her hands. 

“I’ve been busy” I end up looking at him. 

“I know, me too actually, Paul and I have some new songs, I want you to listen to them” Our eyes meet. “Want to hang out later?” 

“With you?” Cyrus…why? 

“Well…yeah” He looks confused. 

Buffy interrupts us, asking for us to pay attention, the rest stare at us, we apologize, and stop talking. 

TJ’s POV

Paul is talking about the songs we recently wrote; he’s already thinking about the rhythm. This time it wasn’t something Jonah asked for, we really wanted to do some songs together because we actually enjoy doing it, we’re getting better with the romantic ones, somehow they became easier to write. I haven’t seen Cyrus the whole week, maybe it was because he’s been writing and I didn’t want to bother him, I’ve been waiting for this day to come so I can finally be face to face with him, I don’t want to sound like that type of person but all I could do was miss him so much and see our pictures more times than I want to admit. But on the other hand, I was really productive this week, I can’t even believe it was me, doing everything I had to, school, band, time with my parents, I did everything, honestly, it didn’t feel like me, it was like I was watching a different TJ doing it all. 

We enter the dance studio to find Buffy, Jonah, Bowie, and Cyrus, only three of them are talking to each other, we approach them and start talking. Cyrus seems lost in his own thoughts, I can’t do anything but look at him; Marty and Walker call our names so I turn to them and wave in their direction. When we are all together Buffy starts explaining to us what we have to do. 

“Go and talk to him” Paul whispers. “Just go” I turn to him, he smiles. 

It doesn't take me long to start walking in this direction, I’m lucky that Buffy didn’t notice me going from “standing next to Paul” to magically “standing next to Cyrus”. I whisper so Buffy can’t lose her concentration, but Cyrus looks pretty surprised, I’m starting to think he’s been avoiding me, the best thing that my brain can think of is inviting him to hang out. I actually have a plan, if he says yes. I really need help with all of this, but I don’t want to tell anybody about my crush…sometimes I’m not very smart. 

I’ve been considering telling Paul but I really don’t want him to say “I knew it!”, I’ll wait a bit more. As Buffy keeps talking, I ask Cyrus about hanging out later… I didn’t expect him to tell me that. 

With you?

We couldn’t finish our conversation because Buffy notices that we weren’t paying attention. I keep glancing at Cyrus but he seems too focused on what she’s saying. After the whole talk and explaining how she needed the decorations to be set, she says that the event will take place at the theater. I haven’t been there since Cyrus’ musical, I’m not familiar with it, but I’m her friend and I have Cyrus, he’s going to explain to us everything we need to know. We didn’t stay much longer in the dance studio, the real work starts tomorrow, so we are now free to go. Paul approaches to talk to me while I keep glancing in Cyrus direction, Marty and Jonah join us to discuss Andi’s party, which is still two weeks away but they already want to have everything prepared; I see Cyrus leaving the studio, say a quick goodbye to the guys and try to follow him. Somehow, he walks pretty fast, but I can make it right in front of him almost running out of air and him looking both surprised and confused. 

“Can…we…talk…now?” I say as I try to breathe normally. 

“Sure…” He smiles. “You didn’t have to run after me you know” 

“Too late” I smile at him. “Let’s go to the park, I could use a break in there” He looks at me for a few seconds. 

“Fine, let’s go” He puts his arm around me. 

We are walking to the park, he’s suspecting something, but I only want to be with him, the park is near, I brought a book I want us to read. This is my way to get closer to him, after saying all the stuff we said the other day…it’s just that I’m not sure of what I’m doing, I wanted to do something we did all the time but we rarely do these days, things are getting kind of weird between us. We keep walking until the park is visible, he’s been quiet; as we approach our bench, I take a look at the place, many things happened here…if I ever decide to confess, I can do it in here…in our bench, we can just sit in here…I can even read a line from a romance book for him and then… just say it…how I feel, but it’s not easy. I look at him, he’s staring at the birds, without thinking I sigh as I smile, the image of Cyrus doing something so simple is so cute, so peaceful. He turns to me again, but I don’t stop, now this is an awkward situation. 

“TJ?” He looks confused. 

“I’m sorry I remembered something Amber told me this morning” I have a pretty bad habit of lying to everyone. 

“It’s still morning and we were with her…” He smiles. “She barely talked today” 

“You’re right…” I have the habit but I’m terrible at it. I don’t have another option. “You looked cute” That word again, cute. 

“Uh…thanks” He moves his mouth a little, he is blushing. That’s a good sign, right? 

We stare into each other’s eyes for a few seconds, everything goes silent just for us, I can only focus on his face and how he makes me feel, how he always has made me feel…safe, comfortable, happy. 

“I brought this” I show him the book. “We can read it if you want to” 

“Reading the book on the bench might be a bit uncomfortable…” He stops and turns to the grass. “That’s a better place…if your allergies are okay with it” He smiles. He has such a beautiful smile. 

“Don’t worry I took my medicine before going out” I make him laugh. 

We sit on the grass, very close to each other, with the book in my hands and he starts reading the first chapter out loud. I occasionally check my phone; the guys are sending some texts to our group chat. Since we’re going to play at one of Andi’s parties, that means we have practice today. But with Cyrus next to me all I can think about is to invite him to go with me…as my date.  

Cyrus' POV

Trying to avoid TJ didn’t work out, he came, well he ran to me after Buffy gave us green light to leave the studio. I was walking, trying to find a better way to stop thinking about TJ without avoiding him, I feel really bad for doing it, I miss him so much, but after what almost happened, I know I have to do something. Confessing is not a great idea, at least not right now, I still need to focus on the play, I can’t leave Cece with everything now, I have to go back there, plus I’m already going back to decorate the place for the dance exhibition. I was texting Cece to tell her the good news when TJ appeared in front of me running out of air, I couldn’t say no to go to the park with him, especially to our bench, it’s just so special. I was looking at a bird, but when I turned to him again, he was staring at me…smiling…I don’t want to make something bigger of it but… he even called me cute, this is the second time he does it, I need to tell the girls later. We ended up sitting in the grass reading a book together, chapter by chapter, out loud, the both of us, it was pretty romantic I’m not going to lie. It’s been more than an hour and I tell him that I have to go to Cece’s house and he needs to go to Jonah’s, they have practice, since they’re going to play at Andi’s party. I was about to leave when he says something…important. 

“Would like to go to the party with me?” He stands in front of me staring right into my eyes. 

“You’re not going with…uh…Paul…and the…guys?” Oh, TJ what you have done to me? I can’t even talk properly to you now. 

“Yeah, but I want to go with you this time” He makes a short pause. “Jonah and Marty need to arrive first to set things up with Bowie…and Paul told me he’s now a very close friend to Bex, he’s taking her to buy something for the baby before the party” There’s something in his face like he just realized an important thing. “Even if they weren’t busy, I want to go with you instead” He smiles. 

“I was getting worried you only used me as the last option” I joke. 

“You’re always my first option Cyrus” He has that tender smile on his face, that look in the eyes, on his face…

We smile at each other for almost a minute, his phone interrupts us, that’s Marty calling, he leaves in direction to Jonah’s house and I do the same to Cece’s, now I have things clear…I really like him and there’s a chance that this is mutual and it makes me happy. But I’m not so happy to go back to the stressful routine. At least I have Andi’s party to look forward to. I keep walking and thinking about going with TJ to the party, and about him calling me cute, how long is it going to take me to decide to confess my feelings? I know that him calling me cute means nothing but what if it means something? I’m a mess lately…

“Cyrus? I didn’t know you were coming” Right I forgot to text Cece…

“I thought I texted you, but that’s not important anymore” I smile. 

“Please come in” She’s as nice as usual. 

“I have news” I look at her while she’s in the kitchen. 

“Tell me” She turns to me, there’s both fear and hope in her eyes. 

“I’m coming back to the theater” I wait for her reaction. 

“Perfect timing, Joseph wants the play to premiere as soon as possible” She tries to smile. “But I’m also glad you’re coming back” 

“Thanks…” Joseph wants what again? This is not what I expected. “We have a lot to do then” 

For the rest of the hour Cece told me everything I asked about, apparently, I have limited time to make the premiere happen…if I don’t make it…I’m fired…that’s the end…so there’s only one thing I can think about to not let this happen and I need help, maybe it’s time to call the girls, the guys, to call everybody I can think of in this exact moment…I need to save my job there…I need to save myself from, well, me. Joseph was going to blame Cece if the play wasn't ready by the date he gave, but now that I'll be back…that pressure is on me. The blame will be mine, it has been from the beginning, I just left Cece with all this, but now, I will be an adult. I will be responsible for my actions, for what I do and don't do, for everything that goes wrong with the play, even if it costs me my job there, but I need help…a lot of help. 

As I leave Cece's house I head to mine, with many things on my mind and…as usual, TJ is one of them, I have this pressure on me that if I don't get the play done, I get fired, but somehow TJ is in my head, the park moment is still there, my heart telling me I should confess, but my brain is telling me to focus on the play. It is at this moment that I ask myself can't I do both?

TJ’s POV  

Jonah has been telling us about the party since we all arrived, it's been twenty minutes. Marty has joined him for about five minutes now, it seems like Paul and I are just there to say yes to everything we are asked, we don't have to get too involved since we all made it clear that Jonah was our leader, one less pressure for the others, but Marty made it to the second position on his own. As they discuss what songs we are going to play, for about the tenth time, Paul and I watch them noticing that they don't pay much attention to us, we could walk out of there and they wouldn't notice. Paul starts pretending to play his drums, while I wonder if it's a good idea to tell him I like Cyrus, or if I should tell him that again I called him cute, he's going to make sure to tease me again and say I like Cyrus again, and yes, I do like him, but no one knows yet so I shouldn't let him know. We keep listening to them for a bit more, then we do what was the best in this situation, tell them to shut up. It worked, Jonah decided to just practice the songs each other consider their favorite, that was easy, some of the new songs Paul and I wrote are so good, but we still need some help with the rhythm but that’s not a problem when we have Jonah and Marty, and sometimes me too, with my parents help, of course. They have new songs too, Marty has been writing a lot, so we have many songs now and we can’t decide which ones to play at Andi’s Party, that’s why I wanted Cyrus’ opinion. 

Paul tells us to let Jonah’s mom decide the songs without telling her who wrote them, she’s always around when we’re practicing so that’s not a bad idea. Jonah goes to tell his mom about the plan and Marty follows him just to be sure he doesn’t tell her to choose his songs…that leaves Paul and me alone. 

“I talked to Cyrus” I say as I look at my keyboard. 

“That’s great” I feel his gaze on me. “How it was? He told you why he’s been avoiding you?” 

“He wasn’t…” I look up from the keyboard to look at him, he is smiling. Now I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to tell him about the cute thing. “We only talked…and read…that’s all” 

“I’m your best friend TJ, something happened because you don’t look very happy” He approaches me. 

“I called him cute” I close my eyes as fast as I can. “Again…” I sigh. 

“And you don’t like him, right? Come on TJ just say you’re in love with him already” I could but I don’t want you to be right. 

“I don’t like him” Big lie. I open my eyes. “He really looked cute” 

Paul has that look on his face. He says the same thing all the time, well, only when we’re talking about Cyrus, that doesn’t happen a lot because I don’t want him to know that I actually like him and that he’s been right this whole time, I want to make him suffer a little, but the more I think about my situation, the more I want to tell him. Suddenly I remember something important. 

“Oh, Paul” He turns to me. “Can you please go out with Bex before the party?” 

“Why? I thought we were all going to help set things up” He looks confused. You need a good excuse TJ. 

“It’s a long story” I sigh. 

“What’s going on TJ? I need you to tell me so I can help you with whatever you’re planning” His voice sounds deeper than usual. “I can’t just go and tell Bex ‘Hey want to hang out?’ when she’s the one helping Andi to plan everything” He’s right, I need to tell him but how?

Before I can say anything else, the guys and Jonah’s mom catch our attention, she’s ready to listen and choose the songs. I smile at her and we all take place and let Paul start with one song, his election was the song I wrote for Cyrus, but that no one knows that is for him…

Cyrus’ POV  

I spent last night thinking about everything that happened, I didn't have the best night, but today I have to be efficient for Buffy, so I'm heading to the theater to start with the decoration she needs, it's still twenty minutes to the time she mentioned, but come on we’re talking about Buffy Driscoll, I'm sure she's already there. I continue walking until I stop outside the theater, I stare at the building, it feels like home, I don't know how long I've been staring, I hear someone talking to me. It's TJ. Great now comes to my mind that moment when I thought he was going to confess his feelings to me. 

“Are you nervous? You haven’t come here in a while, right?” He says, I keep staring at the building. 

“It feels like coming home after a long time” I turn to him. “You’re early, are you trying to impress Buffy?” I joke, with a serious tone. 

“More like making up for not listening to her when I was trying to talk to you” He smiles.

“Then you need more than just arriving early” I don’t know why I sound so serious right now. I have to do something. “Are you ready for the party?” We enter the theater. 

“I’m not sure, I’m kind of nervous” He looks like that time when he got the attack right before performing. 

“You have me here, I’ll be around the whole time, just remember to look at me when you’re playing” I take his hand, he looks at our hands…and now I regret everything, but it was automatic. 

He’s about to thank me when for our surprise and bad fortune, Andi, Amber, and Iris enter the theater, stopping right when they notice us, then before they can say “Hello”, Iris looks at our hands, on a very fast move, I let go his hand and smile at them, TJ does the same. I can’t look at my face right now but I’m pretty sure I’m blushing. It happened so fast, Buffy finds us and smiles at the sight of us early in there. 

Right when I thought things couldn’t get worse, Buffy has the great idea to make teams and since she knows that I like TJ…now I’m with TJ and Iris on the same team. Why Iris? Why not Paul? Iris saw us before and probably she thinks something different about it, maybe she thinks we’re together when we’re actually not because I don’t want to confess yet…or ever, especially after this…I didn’t even think about TJ…what does he think after that? Why me? Why now?  

“Cyrus are you okay?” Iris asks me. I was making the expressions again, wonderful. 

“Yes, I’m fine” I turn to her and…smile?

She smiles too and then she leaves, I take a look around the place, I see TJ and now Iris talking and no, I don’t want to know what they’re talking about so I grab more decorations and start working, not before looking back at TJ…

TJ’s POV 

Cyrus took my hand for a few moments and then the girls ruined the moment, I was ready to confess…but it didn’t happen, and I’m actually relieved that it did not happen. I’m working on the decorations when Iris approaches me…right after talking to Cyrus, I know she noticed our hands, that’s why Cyrus let my hand go. She smiles at me and then, she throws the question. The one I was avoiding this whole time, from Paul, from Amber, and from her…

“So, are you and Cyrus together? Or just like each other but can’t confess?” She asks with that calm tone. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Right…

“I know I shouldn’t assume things but…” She turns to me. “You two look cute together” She smiles. “And even if you didn’t tell us anything about that, it’s fine” I haven’t even told Paul. 

Andi comes and tells us that she needs Iris, leaving me alone, thinking about those words, all of them. I look around the place, noticing Cyrus working, I automatically smile…I didn’t even notice that Paul is right there, next to me, staring at Cyrus too, his deep voice sacring me once he decides to speak. 

“The love is in the air” He sings. 

“Shut up, I’m not in love” I try to look serious. 

“Sure, whatever you say” He smiles. “I’m taking Bex to buy something for the baby before the party” He makes a pause. “You’re welcome, enjoy your date with Cyrus” He turns to me.

“How do you even know about…” No, I don’t have to ask him. “He told you, right?” 

“Yeah” He laughs. “Nice move, telling him that” 

“Are you two best friends now?” I laugh but sound annoyed. 

“Don’t worry Teej, I’ll wait until you’re ready to tell me that you actually like him” He places his hand on my shoulder and smiles. 

I hit him lightly, roll my eyes and we both get to work before Buffy notices we're not doing anything. Now all I have to think about is the date and playing with the guys, and how to tell Paul that I like Cyrus, so many things are happening that night, it has to be a good one.  

Chapter Text

Cyrus’ POV

Two things are happening in the theater in a short time, one is Buffy’s dance exhibition and the play, but first, we have Andi’s party… which is in less than a week, and I have a lot to think about that party, in the first place I’m going with TJ, and in second place… I need to find what to wear. I talked to Paul the night TJ asked me to go with him, he was a little distracted but when I mentioned he and Bex going to buy things for the baby before the party he seemed to understand it all, so, I don’t know what is TJ planning but something is going on and I’m sure I’ll find about it. But right now, I’m going to the theater, I tried to postpone my return there, but today was the time, so I'm on my way there to see how things are going with the play, to see Cece and Bex… there’s no point in asking her about the thing with Paul so, it’s fine. I have different things to worry about. I need to keep my job and shut Joseph’s mouth, I’ve been wanting to do that for a very long time. 

For the first time in a while, I do the same things I used to do before the panic attacks and TJ, and the rest of the guys, I enter the theater to find Cece staring at a script, Blue, our new talent, is standing next to her, waiting for Cece to say something. I’ve been there before and she’s going to wait for a few minutes more. I walk around the place just like always, making sure everything and everyone is okay. Bex and I talk for like 15 minutes, she explained to me the looks she has planned for the actors, and honestly, they’re amazing. My next stop is with Bowie, he’s just there checking on Bex, he doesn’t stay long since he has to go back to Red Rooster. 

I keep walking until I finally find Cece alone, she’s been actually looking for me too, so it’s easy to catch each other’s attention. 

“Cyrus!” She smiles. “It’s good to have you here again, I missed you” 

“It feels good to be back” I smile at her and try to look calm, but inside I’m still very nervous. 

“We have so much work to do but I’m sure that you can handle it” She keeps smiling, trying to cheer me up.

Handle it, yeah, I can do that, there’s no pressure, just the possibility of losing my job here and not making this workout and have a disaster… but I can do it, no pressure. I wish I had TJ here next to me, he knows exactly what to say whenever I’m feeling like this, he’s good in these situations. But this time it’s me and Cece, and everybody else, we are a team. After being here for a while, not just today, somehow, I feel lost, as if this wasn’t my place, those thoughts come to my mind again… Am I completely happy with this? Do I need a change? I don’t have the answers, all I want to do is scream for hours. This is my opportunity to change my mind, to find something good out of this, to find the love and passion that I know I have for this, I just need time, that’s all. Time, I took my time to figure out my feelings for TJ and now I need time to figure out my feelings for the theater, for writing screenplays… feeling like a stranger in this place is not what I had in my plans. 

Remember that I mentioned our new talent? Blue? Well, she’s an amazing girl, very kind and funny, she’s incredible at acting, with her on our side there’s nothing I have to worry about. We’ve been talking for like ten minutes after she finished reading a scene with Jim, the chemistry these two have is no joke, I can exactly picture them as the main character I wrote about, it would be better if Joshep didn’t make me change on last minute to not have a man-man couple as the main characters, but right now I’m happy I changed it, all thanks to Blue. Somehow seeing them acting my best work makes me understand why I do this, why I write, or at least why I wrote this one, it feels great once you listen to the actor recite the lines. 

We finished the first scenes of the play, Cece decides to take a quick break, she goes directly with Bex while she holds her phone in her hand, that’s probably Bowie calling. I go on a short trip to the café, the smell of the coffee feels like being in a paradise… it’s been a long since I had a coffee and I’m feeling so much better right now, so a cup won’t hurt me. I approach the waiting line, thinking about TJ and how this place also feels like ours, someone touches my shoulder, I turn to that person, it’s Paul… and Blue. 

“Hi Cyrus, my little sister told me she’s acting in your play” He says with that deep voice. 

“Yeah… I didn’t know she was your sister” I look at her and smile. 

“He’s only one year and a half older than me, and it wasn’t necessary to tell him that information” She turns to him. 

“Go find a table, I’ll order” He smiles at her. 

“How’s the preparation for the party going?” I ask, hoping for him to give me some updates on TJ. 

“It’s going well” He makes a pause. “How is the date preparation going?” I open my mouth surprised; I didn’t know TJ said it was a date. What I’m going to do? Oh, I need help again. “I mean the party date, you know that thing with TJ…” He tries to fix it. It doesn’t work. 

I don’t want to make him feel awkward, so I do the thing I suppose it’s the best at this moment: pretending not to hear that part. 

“I guess it’s going great, I haven’t talked to TJ about it yet” I smile at him. “How many sisters do you have?” I try to change the topic. 

“Two” He looks grateful that I changed the topic of the conversation. 

I grab my coffee and let Paul and his sister alone in the café, on my way to the theater I bump into Amber, Iris, and… TJ. They look happy looking for some clothes to wear the day of the party; Iris is the one who comes to talk to me while my eyes are glued to TJ trying on some shirts, good ones I have to say. When he finally approaches us my phone rings, yes, that’s Cece wanting me to go back. 

TJ’s POV 

I’m in Amber’s house with them processing what I just said, or better the lie I just told, I wanted to tell them about Cyrus but I couldn’t, I ended up telling them something totally different, I know I can just say it but when I try something else comes out of my mouth like right now, I told them how much I love building Legos with my dad. I said it was important that’s why they have that look on their faces. So, I decided to try it again, I take a deep breath. 

“That’s not what I wanted to say” I say, a bit nervous I’m not going to lie. 

“Then tell us what you wanted to say” Amber grabs my hand, Iris is smiling at me. 

“I like Cyrus… I have feelings for him…” I wait for their reaction. 

“That’s amazing TJ!” Iris hugs me. 

“A total surprise!” Amber shouts. 

“You’re both terrible at acting” I try not to laugh. “I know it was kind of obvious” I make a pause. 

“Kind of?” Amber asks. 

“Yeah, I’m sure everyone knows you like him except for… well… him” Iris explains. 

So, Cyrus doesn’t know I like him, that’s actually good news, if he doesn’t know I can try telling him at the party, that’s a great opportunity, but I don’t know how to tell him. I need a plan. 

“I need your help with something” They give me their complete attention. “I invited him to go with me to the party and…” 

“You don’t know what to wear” Amber finishes my sentence. 

They both decided that I don’t have a lot of good options in my clothes, we don’t even have to go to my house because they know me too well. Amber has the idea to go and shop some new stuff for the party, and I agree with her, it’s a good option to impress him, even though I actually have to be practicing my parts of the songs we’re going to perform at Andi’s party, but no, I’m walking with the girls in direction to the store, they also want to buy some things, we all win. I didn’t tell Paul about Cyrus first because he told me he had to go with his younger sister to the theater, I planned to have all of them together to tell them at the same time, but I like the result of this, he’s not good at choosing clothes. 

We were looking at some shirts when we spotted Cyrus walking on the street, Iris went directly to talk to him and I tried to act focused on my stuff, I don’t know why but after telling the girls about my crush on him I feel even more nervous and I’m only looking at him. Amber tries to convince me to go and talk to him, but I’m very stubborn sometimes, I prefer to stay right here away from whatever he’s talking with Iris… but, on the other hand, I really want to go and talk to him, I have to act natural around him, right? That’s what Paul would probably say to me. I turn to Amber, telling her to go with them, she holds my hand as we approach them, but, when I’m about to ask him something… his phone rings, he tells us that he has to go back to the theater, and yes, this is the moment when I regret everything. I need to find a way to go to the theater to talk to him, to check on him, he can get very stressed and even have panic attacks, I just want to be near him. 

I get a text from Paul saying to meet him at the café as soon as possible, I don’t know why and he didn’t say much about it, so, I say goodbye to my best friends and walk a few blocks to get to the café. I find him with his sister, she’s starring in Cyrus’ play, she told us the other day about that, she only mentioned Cece but that was enough for us to understand it was his play. She’s a nice person and, plus, she loves our music, even though she’s always making fun of Paul for being in a band and not having enough time to manage with the school. But that’s how siblings are I guess. 

I sit in front of them, they greet me with big smiles. I don’t have siblings but I have Amber and Iris, those smiles only mean one thing, they want something from me, probably information about how Cyrus is with his plays now that he’s back, but honestly, I’m not sure how he acts with his team, including the actors, he only mentions how good they are. Blue starts telling me about him, she thinks he’s really nice, now I get that this isn’t about the play, is about us, Cyrus and I, well I think so. 

“Your break it’s about to end, you should head back to the theater” Paul says to her. 

“Yeah, I’ll leave you two alone” She smiles at him, then she turns to me. “Please stop him from asking Jonah to sing ‘All about the drums’, it’s his worst work” 

“Don’t worry” I smile at her. 

“In my defense…” He’s about to say something. 

“All about the drums? Are you serious?” I laugh. 

“You wanted to tell me something?” Right, I totally forgot about that. 

“Just… about a song I finished last night, the one you started” I’m not fine with lying to him, it’s just, I’m not prepared yet. 

“Right, you want to practice it?” He takes a sip from his coffee. 

“Sure, let’s text the guys” I smile. 

We leave the café after texting Marty, they’re casually near Paul’s house, so we’re meeting in my house in twenty minutes, they only want my parents to listen to our stuff, so, that means we have like ten minutes to do something else, and no, telling Paul about Cyrus is not on the list. I’m sure he already knows; he probably knew even before me. This is just getting kind of strange. 

Cyrus’ POV

Once I got back to the theater, the real mess was starting, Cece has a problem with the wardrobe and Bex is trying to help, but Bowie keeps saying that he can do it, want a spoiler? He can’t, that’s why she called me and I get it, I would do the same thing if I was her. I rush to where they are, but yes, we have some problems right here, these are Blue’s clothes, the ones they were supposed to have ready for tomorrow, and now they have to start all over. This is a nice start, right? 

I try to keep calm, this does not mean that the play is ruined, everything is great, everything is fine, we just need to give them more work and I don’t like it, I don’t want to look like that kind of person, the kind of person Joseph is…but right now is necessary, it’s not the end of the world, well, maybe it’s the end of my world since the first attack I learned that nothing is totally perfect and that everything is (not) great. 

I keep watching the scene they made, but we have another rehearsal with the actors and that makes me feel better, they really capture the feelings I had while I was writing it. When I didn’t know I liked TJ. In this play coffee is an important key, it makes everything have sense, and I’m surprised TJ didn’t figure out that this is kind of how we met, but of course I didn’t plan it that way, it just wrote itself. It feels weird to think about how everything turned out at the end, I can’t even believe I told him that my name was Dennis… but no, I don’t have to think about it, we have other things to do.

Blue and Jim start with another scene, a perfect acted one, I can’t do much more than just say how incredible they are together, it’s not how I wrote these characters, it’s how they portray them, I’m not seeing a possible Cyrus and TJ in the name of other people, I’m seeing them being these other people… and that’s magical. It seems so easy but we still have that little problem and something tells me this is not even the start, I can think about that day everyone had problems and I ended up having an attack and running away… and TJ found me, I know that if I have another one, he’s going to be there for me, we have this kind of relationship. 

“Cyrus, I don’t want you to freak out…” Bex was walking by my side. “But we have another very, very, very little problem” 

“What is it this time?” I try to say in a neutral tone. Like yeah, you tell me, I’m totally not freaking out after you said you didn’t want me to. 

“Cyrus!” Jim interrupts us. “We have a problem” Another one? Cyrus, you know what to do, this is a flashback, just run. 

“A problem?” I ask, trying to sound calm. 

“Cyrus I’m so, so, sorry but I think something went wrong again with the wardrobe” Bowie stands next to Bex, the three of them staring at me. 

“We can fix it, right? Yes, we can” My voice cracks a little.  Wait, what the hell is Bowie doing here?  

“You want us to call Cece?” Bex asks.  YES PLEASE.

“That’s… a good idea… I… I need to take care of something… I’ll be back in an hour or so” I don’t know how I’m so calm right now, but something is sure the moment I leave this place I’ll have an attack. 

The three of them share glances and go directly where Cece is, I smile at her, or that’s what I thought I did, I walk out of the theater, there’s only one place I have in mind right now… and no, it’s not Andi’s house or mine… or the bookstore… or the park. I know exactly where I’m going, I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. 

TJ’S POV 

We’ve been practicing for around an hour, my parents were enjoying the music the whole time until they had to go to my grandparents’ house. Paul and Marty are trying to write a song together, Jonah and I are doing the same thing, we thought it was a great idea to try to write with another partner; choosing songs for the party has been the hardest part, we want this to go amazing, it’s been a while since we became a band, we passed from 'looking for a drummer'  to 'actual band that plays in places', it’s a big change for us, we already played at one party but this one feels different… life-changing… because we have an official name now, it took us a while… but after being The Sandwiches for a long time, we all agreed to one name, and it sounds amazing. 

The party has been in my mind for the whole day, thanks to Amber and Iris, they made a list with every single thing that could go wrong with my “date” with Cyrus, but that’s not the only thing, the guys have been doing the same but with our performance and with the new name, they even made me swear that if the people dislike our new name, we’ll go back to The Sandwiches without a second thought. Honestly, that’s huge pressure on that night. I’ve been texting Cyrus the whole day, I really need him to come and listen to our songs, but he’s busy with the play, so the only texts I have sent were “Hi, good luck with at the theater!” like twenty times, and yes, that made Paul laugh, and yes, I still haven’t told him. 

Jonah and I were trying a cool rhythm with the guitar, when someone knocks on the door, Paul offers to go and check who is it, we’re too focused on our thing and we can’t lose the inspiration we have right now. He comes back to the room with Cyrus next to him. As soon as I notice him, I suddenly stop playing. 

“TJ! Why you did that? That was a good…” He shuts up once he spots Cyrus. 

“Hey!” I say to him, he doesn’t look good. 

“Hey…” He says awkwardly. 

“You know we already practiced a lot today” Paul stretches, glancing at the guys. 

“You’re right” Marty imitates him. “I better go to my house, my mom has her cooking class in an hour, I don’t want to be late” He turns to Jonah. Well, all of us turn to him, he’s sitting peacefully… not understanding. After a minute he gets it. 

“Right… I have… Red Rooster” He stands up. “See you” 

They leave the room after glancing at me with those faces, maybe I’m more obvious than I thought about my feelings for Cyrus. Once we listen to the door get closed, we stay in silence for a few minutes, this feels like that scene in Pride and Prejudice where Darcy comes to the Collins' house and he can't even say a coherent sentence to Elizabeth. I offer him taking a seat and something to drink, but he’s still quiet. 

“I had an attack on my way here” He suddenly says. 

“I figured that out” I pass him the glass of water. 

“Sorry if I ruined your practice” He looks at me. 

“You could never ruin it, believe me” I smile at him, and I’m aware of how big my smile is at this moment. 

We listen to the door get open again, I was about to say something really mean to the guys when my parents appeared in the room, they were surprised to see Cyrus in there and not the rest of the band, but they still smiled at him and offered him some food, he didn’t say no. This is like that day my parents were making those faces when Paul was having dinner with us, but Cyrus edition and now they’re right, I like him… but I don’t know if he likes me. However, they still looked at us with those smiles on their faces, and my mom asked him a bunch of different questions about the theater and his process to write his screenplays, he has very happy while answering, his face was glowing, he was glowing and I love that. 

We shared some smiles and glances too, we told my parents a lot of our stories and the process to help at Red Rooster and the gallery, his phone was lighting with a lot of messages but he didn’t open a single one of them, maybe they were from the theater. I know something happened there, maybe he got too stressed, or there were many problems for him to solve, but looking at him, right now, smiling while he talks to my parents, makes me very happy, I’m ready for the party, for our date and the performance with the band… and my birthday, bring that day to me. 

Chapter Text

TJ’s POV  

Today is the party, today is my birthday, today is my date with Cyrus, and, yes, today is the day I’m going to or at least try, confess my feelings to him. It’s a pretty big day, from wherever you see this. I start my day as usual, what else do you do on a Saturday? Yes, spend the morning with my parents, turning 22 is not a thing I really wanted to do on the biggest day of my love life and my musical career, but the good side is that I can sing to Taylor Swift’s song “22”, and in Amber’s words "It’s the biggest accomplishment" I can get today, no one actually knows my plan of confessing, so I can keep it just for the two of us. My morning was going amazing until my grandparents came to visit me with some presents, this was supposed to be a happy moment but I ended up wanting to cry, they gave me a present from my uncle, the one he was expecting to give me before he passed away… for us turning 22 is an important event in our lives, my grandfather started this with my mom and my uncle, he gave them a journal with all the advice he thought it could help them in their adventures, my mom gave me hers at midnight, but I never expected to have my uncle’s one too. Just the thought of him writing this makes me very emotional, my mom told me she started hers the moment she knew she was pregnant, so I can’t expect something different from him… I wish I had him right here to give him a big hug. 

The rest of the morning was actually very nice, my mom cried a little when she saw the journal, but she had the biggest smile on her face. My grandparents asked my parents to sing something, and they decided to sing to me my favorite song; they even took some instruments to make the performance better, all I can notice is how happy they look right now singing to that song that lasts less than two minutes. When they end, we all sing to a really happy song, when there’s a knock at the door, my father goes to see who is it. The guys enter the living room following my dad's footsteps, they all say a very loud happy birthday, and give me a group hug; meeting my grandparents was an easy thing, telling them we are on band together is the difficult part, my parents know we’re playing on a party, and they’re definitely not coming to see us… but they will want to come to listen to our stuff, making me confessing to Cyrus extremely hard, I mean, making my parents worry about their safety at a party where I’ll be distracted, yeah, that’s what I meant. 

Jonah keeps talking to my father and grandfather, Marty is talking with my grandmother, and Paul and I are helping my mother with the food. Honestly, the guys coming to my house made all of us happier, if they had not arrived, we would probably all be crying. Later, Amber and Iris arrived too, my parents were very happy to see them, and as always, they asked them about their families. I like to see this side of my life, everybody enjoying a good time, it’s pretty good that this is happening today… I was afraid of turning 22 and not get to see this happy person around me, all I could think about was my uncle, that empty seat at the table… how can I celebrate if he’s not here? I’m not going to lie, all the things I used to think before came to my mind again, all the pain was back for a moment. I’ve been waiting for Cyrus to text me or call me… I’m not expecting a happy birthday message but, I really want to talk to him and just tell him how I’m feeling right now. 

“Hey TJ!” Paul’s voice makes me come back to the real world. 

“Paul, hey” I blink a few times waiting for him to talk. 

“Cyrus already wished you a happy birthday or you’re still waiting?” He takes a moment to look at me. “Or is this about your uncle?” You know, Paul is extremely smart. 

“Second option… well, a bit of both” I sigh. “I don’t expect anything from him, we’re going together to the party so…” 

“So, this is mainly about your uncle” He sighs too. “I get it”

“Guys!” Marty approaches us with something in his hand. “I have to leave, my mom needs help in the kitchen…” He makes a pause. “I start to think that I pay more attention to her classes than she does” We all smile. “Anyway, here’s a present for you TJ, thank you for being a great friend and an amazing keyboardist” 

“Wait are we giving him his presents already? Why you didn’t tell me?” Jonah takes something out of his pocket. “Happy birthday dude” 

Amber and Iris see the presents in my hands, so they decide to give me their gifts too. Paul is the only one who’s still watching, I’m starting to think he didn’t buy me anything. Everyone, except Paul, leaves the house like thirty minutes later, my parents went out with my grandparents so I have enough time to talk to Paul. We’re taking a look at the presents, Marty gave me a set of stickers Walker helped him to design, he thought it was a nice idea to add them to my keyboard and make it more me, whatever that means I like it; Jonah gave me a gift card of the book store and one of the café, and honestly that’s a great gift, it makes me think about Cyrus; there is one person who always knows what to give me, and that’s Amber, she made t-shirts with a pretty nice design Andi helped her to do, we don’t have a super cool name like Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus, but the t-shirt is pretty; Iris gave me a sculpture she made, and yes it’s beautiful. 

“Please wear this for your date with Cyrus, it took me a while to find the perfect jacket” Paul gives me something wrapped with newspaper. He notices my expression while I’m staring at the wrapping material “We have to take care of the environment” 

“It’s not a date… and thank you” I smile at him. 

Maybe this is the right moment to tell him about Cyrus, I mean, look at this, look at what we have, he’s my best friend, he deserves to know… before I blow up everything tonight, and by that, I mean, confessing to Cyrus. He’s about to leave the kitchen when I say those words. 

“I like Cyrus” The words stay in the air for a few seconds… honestly it feels like a year. 

“I know that” He smiles at me. 

“Yes, I know you know, that’s why you are my best friend” Those aren’t the words I wanted to say. 

“Did you just say I was right?” Oh, here he goes. I roll my eyes smiling. He knows the answer. “I told you! I knew it! You like him!” Paul‘s celebrating his small victory. 

“Are you done?” I say a bit annoyed. 

“No, wait” He makes a pause. “I’m always right!” He stops. “Now I’m done” 

“Thank you… ” When I’m about to say something else, my mother’s voice catches our attention, that’s the perfect opportunity for Paul to leave my house, still celebrating his victory. 

Cyrus’ POV

“You said you already knew what to wear Cyrus Goodman” Says Andi while she takes a look at my closet. 

“I’m sorry, but I was focused on the play” I turn to Buffy asking for some help. 

“There has to be something” She smiles a bit unsure of what to say next. 

How did we come to this point? Well, I’ve been working hard the past few days, Blue and Jim have been working really hard, Cece too, we have been stressed, very stressed. Buffy’s dance exhibition is in two days, the party is today and the play premieres in one week, it’s a lot when you analyze how different things are between the three of us. Today we’re focused on Andi’s party, Buffy offered to go and help her with some stuff, it looks like Bex going out with Paul was a last-minute thing and they had to readjust everything. Actually, they were kind of mad at me for not knowing what to wear, and yes, I know I’m taking minutes from their “decorating and make sure everything is in the right place” task… I’m sure they only came to my house because I’m going with TJ, they want me to look amazing, and want it too, I’ve been forgetting important things like… his birthday, I was sure it was tomorrow but no, it’s today… I don’t know why I make it sound like it’s a bad thing, I already got his gift. 

I have a plan actually, all I need to do is not get nervous around him and that’s all, he can’t realize that I have a crush on him. But how do I not get nervous around him? Why is everything so complicated when it comes to him? Tonight, has to be great, he’s playing new songs and yes, I’m pretty excited about that, but on the other hand, I can’t stop thinking about the play, I’m sure I don’t want to lose my job, but I’m curious to know another version of this, what if everything ends up in a disaster? What If I actually lose my job there? What will I do? We always have more than one possibility, and things are usually great… I kind of want to see what would happen in that scenario. Is it possible to go from “talented playwright” to “I don’t know what’s going to happen next”? Is it normal to not know what to do next? I know I’ll find an answer at some point, but the view is not clear right now. Maybe I need to wait until the premiere, I know I have my best friends and TJ to cheer me up if something bad happens. 

I end up choosing my clothes for tonight, my best friends have to leave pretty early, so I take the opportunity to keep writing, I’ve been trying to write a novel, and it’s been difficult, writing plays is so easy for me… but this is a challenge. I like challenges, so this is exciting as well. My story is really different from any other play I have written before, it’s something I always wanted to do but never got the nerve to start, and I can thank TJ for it, well just a bit… a big bit? Is that even a thing? I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to avoid thinking of TJ turning 22, because I’m turning 22 too, not today, or tomorrow, but soon. Why do we feel a wave of insecurities every time we get a year older? I have this feeling of uncertainty whenever I think about it, getting older is not my favorite thing to do… I’m not a big fan of celebrating my birthday, which is funny because I used to love having birthday parties and all the attention on me. But you can always change your mind; I stop writing when the sound of my phone brings me to real life. 

“Cyrus!” That voice, it’s pretty obvious who is it. 

“Hello, Jonah!” I try to imitate his tone. 

“What are you doing right now? Marty and I are near your house” That’s actually a surprise. 

“I’m writing, you know work and all” Why am I trying to tell him an excuse? 

“Then we’ll leave you” I hear Marty’s voice. 

“Good luck with your performance tonight guys!” I keep a smile on my face even though they can’t see me. 

I stare at my phone for a few seconds, then I decide to write a message, is it a good idea to confess my feelings for TJ tonight? I mean it’s a great opportunity but what am I going to say? “Hey TJ I like you”, well that could work… but no, I’m not confessing. It’s not time yet… or is it? I’m not sure. I better get ready for the party, I don’t want to be late, TJ never mentioned if he was coming or not, so I better go to his house, that’s the least I can do. 

TJ’s POV 

Once Paul left my house, and a not-so-long talk with my parents, I made it to my room, I started to read a few pages of the journals, I needed something that could help me tonight, not just with Cyrus but with the band, suddenly it feels like the start again, maybe it’s the new name we decided or just my typical worries, but it really feels like a whole new thing, this is not the first time we play, but it feels different, new. That’s the reason why I’m trying to find good advice from my mom or my uncle, I said it was for adventures and well, having a band is an adventure. We’ve been through so much together, and tonight The Sandwiches will have a new name, probably that’s freaking me out. 

I check the time again just to realize that I’m probably getting late, but before changing my clothes, I read two more pages, just to find exactly what I needed. In my mom’s handwriting the phrase I was looking for was in front of me: “And if one day you feel doubts or fear, remember why you are there, why you did it in the first place. Let what you already know guide you, even in love.”, maybe it’s not exactly what I needed, or maybe I can put it on another perspective, but it’s a good start. I must tell Cyrus and I must give a good performance with the guys, there’s so much to be afraid of, but there’s also so much to be excited for, and I’ll take the second one… I just hope to keep this mindset the whole night. I get ready in like ten minutes, it doesn’t take me too long, but I needed to ask Paul, Amber, and Iris again if I looked great. I grab the jacket Paul gifted me when I hear someone outside my door. 

“Son?” My father's voice can be heard behind the door. I open the door to find him smiling… that’s… a very wide smile. 

“Yeah?” I ask clearly confused. 

“Cyrus is here, he’s waiting for you in the kitchen with your mom” He keeps smiling. 

Cyrus is where? Why is he here? I was supposed to go to his house, not him coming to mine. Breathe TJ, breathe, that’s a nice move from him, anyway. 

“Thanks…” I say a little unsure, great, I’m already nervous. 

I leave him alone in front of my door, knowing perfectly what he is thinking of, and if everything goes well tonight it might be true, but for now all we need to do is to wait. I should be focused on the band before on the confessing thing, so I better go and act normal, well, normal in my way… and have fun with him. It’s an easy job, I already have fun with him. I enter the kitchen and find him laughing with my mom. He looks… how can I find the words to describe how he looks like? Great, amazing, handsome… they’re not enough. I smile at them, my mom keeps staring at us smiling at each other, and yes, she has the same expression as my dad, they are probably waiting for us to be a couple, but that’s not happening yet. Cyrus and I leave my house and start walking at a very slow pace. 

“You didn’t say you were coming” I start. “I was planning to go to your house” I let out a nervous laugh. 

“I wanted to surprise you” He smiles. 

“Thanks, it was a nice surprise” I smile too. I don’t have an idea of what to say next, and of course, since I’m TJ Kippen I have to say something not right or needed now. “How are the things going with the play? How do you feel? Are you ready for the premiere?” Those are probably too many questions for him. 

“Uhm… it’s going well, I’m scared but excited, but with a lot of pressure, I don’t exactly know how I feel” He sighs. 

“Whatever happens, I’ll be right next to you” I place my hand on his shoulder. “You’re the Cyrus Goodman, I don’t know another extremely talented person beside you… and the guys” I offer him a tender smile. He’s about to say something but we’re interrupted by my phone, that's Amber’s calling. 

We stop by a bench, he takes a seat while I speak to my best friend, I had to step away for a bit because the first thing Amber said was "Have you gone to pick up your date/future boyfriend yet? ", her voice it’s not very loud, but anything can happen, especially when he’s so… you know what I mean. On the call, I can hear Iris’ voice too, they’re pretty excited about this date-not-a-completely-date, Paul texted me too, he’s already with Bex. Once I end the call, we keep walking for a while, we still have time until the party starts, he has the habit of arriving early to Andi’s parties… and I have the habit to actually be late for them, but that’s not my fault, Amber and Iris always want to take a bunch of pictures before going out, and sometimes my mother wants to talk with us before we can even put a foot outside. 

Cyrus’ POV

Me and this habit of not know what to say around TJ, I wanted to confess earlier, but his phone and me suddenly forgetting how to talk ruined the moment. Now I wasted a good opportunity… and I just realized that I haven’t wished him a happy birthday… Cyrus… Why are you like this? I still have time, we just need to be completely alone at the party, he has to play with the guys, and I have to talk with Andi and Buffy before doing something stupid just like I almost did. When do you know is a good time to confess to someone? When is the right time? How can I even start to say it? This is not as easy as when I write, this is not one of my plays, this is my actual love life if ever had a real one. I don’t know why with him I feel nervous of say it but at the same time, it feels familiar, as if I already knew this moment had to come and I know I succeed. Does it make sense? 

When we arrive at the party, Jonah comes to say hi and to borrow TJ… this is not the start of the real date I had in mind. But I only smile at them and let them go; I make a quick inspection of everyone that’s here, I see Paul talking to Bowie, they seem to have a great conversation, I don’t want to interrupt them; I make my way to where my best friends and TJ’s best friends are talking, I don’t have to say anything, Iris gives me the biggest smile and waves at me, making the rest of them look into my direction. Once I’m in their circle, Amber asks about TJ, and I tell her he left with Jonah, that’s doesn’t make happy any of them, their faces are actually like an “oh no”, and yes, that’s weird but I don’t ask a thing. I try to change the topic to Buffy’s dance exhibition, making all their faces light up with so much pride. 

“Hello everybody, you already know me! I’m Bowie and you definitely know the guys I’m about to introduce” Bowie catches the attention of everyone. “You used to know them as The Sandwiches, four talented guys with very good songs, but get prepared for…” He makes a dramatic pause. “No Exit!” Everyone claps loudly, I even shout a few times, the new name of the band is definitely a surprise since the guys kept it a secret, even TJ didn't want to tell me. 

The guys make it to their instruments, seconds later Jonah starts talking. 

“Thank you, Bowie!” He has a bright smile. “Hope you guys like the new name and the new songs! We are No Exit,  and this is Everything I wish for!” With the same bright smile, he turns to Paul, who starts with a powerful beat. 

I’m not going to lie, the song is beautiful, they have amazing romantic songs, break up songs, sad songs, even the songs you only want to dance to without thinking a lot in the lyrics, but this song is completely different, it says Everything I wish for to say to TJ, did you get what I did? Yeah, that’s not funny. But the song is just… too good. If it wasn’t theirs I could totally play this song to TJ and then confess to him. 

“The song is really good!” Andi says to me with a smile. “And you are aware that TJ keeps looking at you, right?” She still smiling when I turn to her. 

“I… didn’t notice that…” Of course, I did, I’m going to ask him later who wrote this song. 

“How many songs are they playing tonight?” Buffy asks us. 

“Three right now, and more later” She makes a pause. “I want them to have breaks, I don’t want to ruin Cyrus’ date” She has a serious expression on her face. 

“Well, thank you!” I say in a sarcastic tone. 

 Buffy laughs once she sees Andi’s face after I said that; we keep listening to No Exit play, the next two songs, one of those made us dance, especially Buffy, I mean she’s an amazing dancer, we all were having so much fun. Their last song is another romantic song, this one has Jonah written everywhere. This is his style, again, Buffy seems to love the song, and so do Amber, their hugging with their eyes closed while the guys sing. Iris and Andi are next to me, trying to sing the chorus. And for me, well, I’m looking at TJ with a big and very obvious smile, he does the same occasionally since he has to play the keyboard and not lose his concentration. 

TJ’s POV

Once we finish with the first three songs, we let Bex take care of some different styles, she’s a really good DJ. While I was playing, I couldn’t take my eyes off Cyrus, except for well to not ruin the song… but he was looking at me too and smiling, all I could think about was, yes, confessing. Our first song is one I wrote, without Paul’s help, I started and didn’t stop until I finished the song, and it’s a good one, the guys loved the song, and Jonah’s mom choose it as the first track to play at the party, and honestly, it feels so good, I feel honored. 

I see my best friends talking with Andi, Buffy, and Cyrus, they must have a really good conversation, Jonah decides to go and say hello. Marty is the first one to greet them, well, to greet Buffy and then the rest, before we could greet the rest, Walker and Libby congratulate us for the performance. In a matter of seconds, we all are laughing at something that Marty says, but I’m pretty sure he tries to impress Buffy in some way. Paul whispers something to me, he makes me look at Cyrus… who was already looking at me, waiting for something that probably Paul knows, they were mouthing things, but I was so focused on Iris and her story that didn’t notice. I move a little to his place, we smile at each other for probably a little too much, I can hear Andi and Iris clearing their throats before suggesting for everyone to go and see if Bex needs something. Cyrus was about to say something to them, but they all left, leaving us alone. I’m sure I’ll be really grateful to them someday but right now I feel extremely nervous. 

“You guys were amazing!” He smiles. 

“Thanks, what do you think about the new name? Because Jonah said that if the people hated it we will go back to The Sandwiches right away” I joke. It’s not a joke, joke, I mean Jonah was serious about it. 

“I love it, it sounds pretty cool!” He smiles and lets out a sigh. “I really loved the first song you sang, who wrote it by the way?” He looks at me, his eyes are filled with curiosity… they’re so beautiful. 

“I did it” I smile. 

“You did?” He asks very surprisedly. 

“Yeah, I was…” I sigh. “Inspired…” 

“It’s a beautiful song…” He says slowly, as he’s trying to understand something. 

“Thanks, I worked hard on that one” I copy his tone. We’re staring at each other, without saying a word. It feels as if everyone at the party has disappeared and we’re the only two people in here. I know this is the moment, I have to tell him. “Cyrus…” 

“Yes?” He makes that thing with his eyes, making them a bit wider than they already are. 

“I…” Am I saying this? I believe so. “I like…” I hear Amber saying ‘TJ!’, and we both turn to her, she’s making her way to us. “Your shoes! I like your shoes!” I say a bit louder than I wanted. He looks at them. 

“Thanks… I guess they’re good” He says unsure. 

Amber approaches us smiling, with a drink in her hands, without knowing she interrupted me from finally confessing my feelings to Cyrus. 

“TJ! Please tell me you guys are singing a cover of 22” She says still smiling. 

“Yeah, I’ll tell the guys” I smile quickly, then I turn to Cyrus. 

She does the same and her smile fades, we share glances, and then she spots Bowie near and calls him, leaving us alone, again. But the moment is gone. 

“I haven’t say it yet, but…” He takes something out of his coat. “Happy Birthday!” He smiles and hugs me. I’m not going to lie, hugging him is already the best part of the night. 

“Thank you, Cyrus!” I say once he breaks the hug. “What is it?” I smile at the box. 

Before he could answer my question, Marty grabs my arm, telling me that it’s time to go and sing 22. I keep looking back at Cyrus who’s standing there smiling at us. I know the guys practiced this song and that they have a surprise for me, that’s what Jonah accidentally said. They will make me the center of attention, and I don’t like that. Now I’m afraid of having an attack there. 

We make it to our instruments, they are smiling at me, maybe this is not that bad, right? 

Cyrus’ POV

I was sure TJ was about to confess, but Amber appeared, and nothing happened… again. I should be the one confessing, I was frozen, his eyes have so much power. When I gave him the gift I had for him, Marty interrupted us, we can’t have a peaceful night seriously, anyway, he took TJ away to sing 22 with the guys. I knew what was this about, Paul told me yesterday about it, they have a whole surprise prepared for him… but I’m not sure if he would like it. 

Jonah starts with his guitar and the rest follow him, they sing with TJ, who looks about to have an attack, I try to catch his attention, that’s not so hard since he found me first, I smile at him trying to encourage him… and it works, I guess. Bowie and Andi approach them with a small birthday cake for him, his expression is so cute. Cute, now I have to call him cute. 

“Did you confessed your feelings to him?” Buffy asks me. “I tried to stop Amber, but she was really excited about the song” 

“No, I couldn’t, but thanks” I place my head in her shoulder as we both see TJ smiling at his birthday cake. 

“You will have another chance” I sigh at her words. 

“When? I’ll be in the theater the whole day, and you know it” I say discouraged. 

“You’ll find a way, you’re Cyrus Goodman” She tries to put her head with mine. 

She’s right, I’ll find a way. Thank you, Buffy Driscoll. 

Chapter Text

TJ's POV

So, this happened after we sang 22, and after they all sang happy birthday to me… and made me the center of attention for a few minutes… I tried to tell Cyrus again, but I couldn’t, somehow it looked like everybody knew about my plan and wanted to ruin it. Iris tried to help me, and she talked to every person who interrupted us, but the moment was just gone. But things didn’t get better later, he actually wanted to tell me something important but, yeah, he couldn’t. It felt like the universe, just like Bowie says, was telling us that it wasn’t the moment, our date felt like everybody’s date. Paul was also doing his best so we could have some minutes alone, poor guy. In a short explanation, that night was a disaster, but only on that topic… No Exit had a pretty cool performance, and no, they didn’t hate the name so we’re not going back to The Sandwiches as Jonah said. And I had a great time on my birthday which was a very important thing on my list. 

Buffy’s dance exhibition is today, everyone is moving as fast as they can to get everything in place when the time comes, the day we came here was for a little practice for the big day, Buffy really wants everything to be perfect. Iris is part of the exhibition, so this is huge for her and Buffy, they’re doing their best to help everybody. I haven’t seen Cyrus yet, the only person I have seen this whole time is Paul, and occasionally Marty and Jonah, yeah being a band that a lot of people know in Shadyside is not an excuse to not work. Paul and I are working on the stage, we listen perfectly to the mess that’s in front of us, they are very loud on everything, the theater is definitely next level… I really miss Red Rooster, but I get it, we need to do this. I keep walking very fast with Paul doing the same by my side and some stuff in our hands, but something… unexpected happened. Paul bumped into Walker, and all our stuff mixed with his, getting us in a big problem. 

“I’m so, so sorry guys” Walker says as he looks at us.

“No, I’m sorry” Paul makes an I'm really sorry face or a puppy face.

“You both sorry, that’s great, let’s pick this up and not let Buffy see it” I say while I start grabbing the stuff Paul let fall. 

Walker nods and starts picking up his stuff. Nobody actually noticed what happened, and we’re grateful for that, everyone is so busy with their own things that they barely pay attention to the rest; Paul and I keep walking until we make it to our place again. I start to move things and try to make it look perfect, this is so much pressure and I don’t handle pressure very well, I’m happy to have Paul, he seems more calmed and focused on what we’re doing. 

“Do you think is a good idea to ask Buffy if we’re doing our job right? I’m not sure if this is how it should look like?” Paul asks me. 

“Yeah, let’s do that” I say without looking at him… or listen to what he said. 

“Are you okay? You look more distracted than usual” He looks at me. 

“Yeah…” I say turning to him. His face goes from ‘I’m worried’ to ‘Do not dare to lie to me’. “No…” I sigh. “This too much, I’m afraid to mess up something and make everybody mad” 

“Hey, we’re a team, they won't get mad at just you” He jokes. And honestly, he makes me smile. 

After we finished with our task, we try to find Buffy, she’s been around the whole theater to check on every single person, but getting her attention is the hardest part, we look like her assistants. She keeps walking around the place and the only thing Paul can think about is to talk to some of the people helping, even if we didn't know them very well. On our next stop, I can finally see Cyrus, working with Andi, when they see her, they smile and fill her with their updates; I feel Paul’s elbow in my ribs, twice… that’s his way to tell me to go and talk to Cyrus, I turn to him only to see his eyebrows and eyes telling me the same thing as his elbow. But what can I even tell him? This is not the best place to do what I tried to the other night… I don’t even know if there could be another chance to do it. Me and this dilemma, I should just do it, right? I should tell him right now… or not? I can’t do it in front of his best friends… and my best friend, I know Paul wants me to talk to him but… I don’t have an excuse anymore, and that’s annoying. Maybe I can just say hi, yeah, I’ll do that. 

“What do you need?” Buffy is in front of me, but I only manage to open my mouth, without saying a single thing. “You two were following me for like fifteen minutes… something must be going on” Her eyes say how much she wants it to be a good thing. 

“We already finished, if you want to go and check it out” I say smiling. 

“Let’s go then” She starts walking. 

Paul says a quick ‘hello’ to Andi and Cyrus before leaving at Buffy’s pace; Andi looks at Cyrus and I sharing smiles, she says something that I don’t listen to, but she leaves. We keep smiling at each other, making the whole place disappear right in front of my eyes, well that’s definitely my brain but you get it. For a moment this feels like a movie or tv show scene, when the love interests have their moment, they can be dancing, talking, just staring at each other’s eyes, or smiling… I could kiss him right now… I could confess right now… but I won’t do it. The happiness I’m feeling right now takes control of everything I’m doing. My phone breaks our moment, it’s Paul, yeah, I didn’t follow them. I write him a text and then, I smile at Cyrus one last time before… bumping into someone… making a mess on the floor. I try to help the person, only to find Bowie doing the same thing, his expression is worrying me because something broke. Cyrus comes to help while I apologize to Bowie for the tenth time in two minutes. He’s only trying to calm me down telling me that everything is alright, and nothing bad happened. But the thing I broke makes me feel extremely guilty since it was something for Bex… and their baby. I really want to cry. 

I stay on the floor even after Bowie leaves, I can feel how I’m about to have an attack, but I can’t leave, I need to stay here for Buffy, this is important to her; I try to breathe normally but I can’t, it becomes more and more difficult each second, that’s when I feel someone helping me to stand up and walking with me outside the place. My eyes fill with tears and my difficult breathing is the only thing I can focus on right now, but this person… Cyrus takes my hand trying to tell me that nothing wrong happened, he tells me to not blame myself. He mentions that my hands are cold, if I wasn’t in the middle of a panic attack, I would smile a lot and say ‘that’s what Elizabeth said to Mr. Darcy too’; he didn’t leave my side. It takes a while for me to calm down, I don’t even know where we are, but it’s not the park, or the bookstore, or outside the theater. The messages filling our phones are the only thing that can be heard. 

“Thanks…” I say without looking at him. “I knew something bad was going to happen but ruining a beautiful surprise for Bex… and… and her baby… that’s…” Cyrus takes my hand. 

“Don’t worry, I know that it was a lot of pressure, and this didn’t help at all” I finally look up, and our eyes meet. 

“This is not my day, right? I did everything wrong today” I sigh. “It’s more like it’s not my week, too many mistakes, starting with my birthday” I close my eyes. 

“TJ…” He calls me softly, making me open my eyes. “This may look bad right now, but you have another day for a better experience, maybe is it tomorrow or the day after, but you’ll get the chance to make the right choices the next time you do it” He gives me a tender smile. “I know you can’t live this day again, but you’ll have plenty of times to help Buffy and do it better” I smile. I know he’s right, he’s always right, and he always knows what to say to me. 

“You’re right…” We both smile. “Maybe we should come back, the dance exhibition is tonight, and there’s still work to do” He laughs. 

“We’re kind of in the theater, this is the back door actually, I couldn’t think of anything better” He looks like he is sorry about it. 

“It’s better than the long way to the park, right?” I smile. “Let’s go inside” I take his hand leading the way back into the theater. 

We separate the moment we see Andi looking for us. I see him walking to her and then disappearing into the place… I know I could say something to him, to just say ‘Cyrus, I like you’ but I couldn’t; Paul finds me and tells me to go and help Iris and Libby with something, we’re now a bigger team with a bigger task. 

Cyrus’ POV 

TJ looked really bad, maybe the work here was too much, it is too much for me, I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t have one a while ago, and not just working on the play, the dance exhibition is completely different to what I’m used to, and it’s stressful. Buffy is working as a complete professional with this as if she has done this so many times, and Andi is very excited to help… they have so much energy. I try to keep the work of the play with Cece, and obviously to work in this for Buffy. We all know how much this means to her, and she has been for us all the time, at the gallery, at the theater, I mean, she even worked with me in the musical, she’s our best friend, and this is the least we can do for her… and I’m happy to do it. This is her night, and I’m sure that she’ll shine.

But I can’t stop thinking about the play, we have everything ready, or that’s what we think, Cece is confident but I’m still nervous about it, the stakes are high at the premiere, but in Cece’s words the goal was to get there, and we did it, but I know there has to be something else, it can't be this easy, there’s something wrong. No Cyrus, you have to think just on tonight, on Buffy. That’s what I’m going, only thinking on Buffy’s big night, I’m not even going to think that I had the opportunity to confess to TJ when I said all those things before he wanted to come back, that was a good moment… I wasted it. 

“Cyrus!” Andi yells. I look at her very impressed. “I was talking to you, are you okay?”

“Yeah… what happened?” I ask.

“Buffy wants us to go home and put on our best clothes” She smiles.

“Is everything ready?” I ask this time surprised. 

“Yeah, you’ve been staring at the floor for a very long time” She says. I didn’t know it’s been too long. 

“Then, I’ll see you in a few hours” I smile at her. 

I get out of there in direction to my house, I already know what to wear, Andi made us buy matching clothes for this event specifically, a cute idea honestly. I have one job tonight and is to enjoy this and I know I will, but something very deep inside me tells me to worry about the play, and it’s not like I can ignore it… the dance exhibition is in the theater, and I’ll see the crew, I'm pretty sure Blue and Jim are going as well, so I can not think about it. But pretending to not be this Cyrus who works there and is about to have the premiere is a good idea… I can put this character… a different Cyrus from a probably alternate dimension… or an evil twin, well that one could be kind of obvious. I can be Cyrus Goodman from dimension C, a guy who plays the guitar withNo Exit as their fifth member, the newest addition. I don’t know why I thought on that, but it’s a nice and funny Cyrus. Well, I guess I’ll be Cyrus Goodman from dimension B, supportive best friend that goes to the theater tonight to, well, support his best friend Buffy Driscoll, a talented and hardworking woman, who’s having her first dance exhibition, and that his another friend, Iris, will be part of it. 

Do you think this is a good moment to tell TJ you know what? I’m still debating with myself about it… there are many things in my mind, and this is one of them, but how can I find the perfect moment? I mean, we’ll be with our friends, and probably not close to each other, so that’s difficult. I enter my house looking for someone to greet, but it seems my parents are busy, so I go to my room. I start looking for the clothes we bought the other day, but in the middle of my search, my phone catches my attention. 

TJ:  Iris told me you left before me

TJ:  I wanted to thank you for your encouraging words

TJ:  it helped me a lot! 

Cyrus:  I’m happy to help! 

TJ:  I guess I’ll see you tonight…

TJ:  Amber is choosing what I should use, she thinks my style is not very good 

Cyrus:  I like your style 

Cyrus:  If that counts as something good

TJ:  It definitely does, thanks :)

I put my phone aside with a smile on my face, I find TJ surprisingly cute, but I never actually told that to him. Maybe I should do it? Or not? You know, I prefer when he calls me cute, I never know what to do, it’s surprising, I get frozen… paralyzed… ok, I talk too much with Paul, but I’m not going to lie Big Time Rush’s songs are pretty good… I need to make him listen to Taylor Swift more… speaking of her, my absolute queen, in the same place the as Spice Girls in my personal ranking, I loved when the guys sang to 22, and yes, my only goal for my twenty-two’s is to sing to that song, I don’t have a band to cover the song with, but we already sang it with Andi for her Birthday, then it’s my turn, and then Buffy’s turn. I’m starting to believe we all have the same goal for our 22’s. But getting back on the main topic of this… calling him cute is not an option, yeah, but he does have a cute smile… I better get ready for the dance exhibition, Buffy hates when I’m late for whatever the situation is actually. Inside I’ll be thinking about more things I find cute on TJ, he’s just generally cute and I don’t see anyone disagreeing… well, maybe Marty… and Paul… and probably Jonah… but Amber and Iris are on my side, I’m sure of it.

TJ’s POV

We arrive at Marty’s house so we all can go to the theater together, we look pretty well, Amber has an amazing fashion sense, but Marty still has some trouble with choosing what to wear, and I understand him actually, he’s been trying to impress Buffy these days, and this is not the exception, but we really need to get going, if we’re late that will definitely not impress her. Jonah is trying to help him, while Paul and I are sitting in his bed, looking at the mess he already did with his clothes all around his room, his mother offers us to take us to the theater since her son isn’t ready yet, and we all thank her for doing it. 

“You’re a mess dude” Paul says standing up from the bed. “Let me see what I can do, I have two sisters, I’m sure I can find something that Buffy will not hate” 

“On Marty’s closet? That’s impossible” Jonah says defeated. 

“What if we check on my dad’s clothes?” Marty suggests, receiving not very kind looks from us. “That’s a no… I get it…” 

“Just wear what you had when we arrived, we need to be there soon or we’ll not see Cyrus” I say kind of annoyed, but they all are staring at me trying not to laugh. “What?” I ask not knowing what I did. 

“Cyrus?” Jonah asks. Oh no TJ. 

“I mean Buffy, that’s what I said, Buffy!” I say louder than I wanted. “Let’s just get out of here, please, before I say something else” I sigh.

“Well, we already knew you like him, you’re pretty obvious” Marty grabs the clothes he had before. 

“Yeah, you don’t know how to hide it” Jonah looks at me. “Your face literally lights up whenever you’re around him and you get so nervous, dude your crush is so obvious” He smiles. 

“Oh, and when he enters any room, you don’t get your eyes off him!” No, Marty is smiling and has that tone in his voice. 

“No, wait, when we sing, he only sees him, as if he’s singing to him” Jonah turns to Marty. “I suppose that’s what you call romantic” 

“Alright, that’s enough!” I say smiling, kind of embarrassed I’m not going to lie. “We have to go, let’s go, or Marty won’t be able to tell Buffy how beautiful she looks” 

“Shut up TJ” Marty says annoyed. 

“You two are the real definition of Big Time Rush’s song ‘Paralyzed’ when you see Buffy and Cyrus” Paul laughs, leaving the room. 

Marty and I exchange glances with surprised faces, we know the song, honestly, we know every one of their songs thanks to him, he’s the biggest fanboy. We follow them to Marty’s mom car; the whole ride is a show of us making fun of each other, but they really pass a big part of it talking about my crush on Cyrus, but I do the same with Marty’s crush on Buffy, and I have his mother support so that says a lot. There’s a moment when Jonah calls Paul “Hey deep voice boy!” before starting to sing Paralyzed only to bother us… but the four of us end up singing together… it’s a good song. We all agree to do a cover of it on our next show at Red Rooster… Marty’s mom is smiling but once we arrive at the theater, she looks extremely happy to see us get out of her car, we are a loud band, I just confirmed it. 

We walk into the theater, looking for familiar faces, Jonah waves excitedly to Andi so we all start to follow him, once we greet her, Buffy, with a really big smile on her face, tells us to sit with her. We’re waiting for more of our friends to arrive, Bex and Bowie are the next ones we see, Amber, looking incredible with something different from what she told me she was wearing sits next to Andi with a smile, waving at us. She shows me her phone, and I already know what that means, I grab mine and open our group chat. 

Two queens and teej

Amber:  Iris you’ll be amazing!! We’re here to support you! 

TJ:  I haven’t seen you, but I know you’ll be the best one! 

Amber:  Maybe she won’t see this right now… but still, we love you!

TJ:  WE LOVE YOUUUU!!! 

Amber:  I see you took my advice Teej ;)

TJ:  I didn’t take your advice, you literally choose this for me

Amber:  Shhh, Cyrus coming, you better talk to him

I put my phone back in my pocket, just in time to see Cyrus sitting next to me… I didn’t know we were sitting together… nobody said a single thing about it. Ok TJ you need to calm down, just breathe, you’ll be fine, your crush is sitting next to you, it’s not a big deal. He smiles at me and waves to the guys, he looks great with that matching outfit he shares with Andi and Buffy. When I’m about to say something to him he turns to Andi, they start talking with Buffy, asking her if she’s going to dance, but she says it’s a secret. I turn to my friends to find Marty trying to see Buffy, waiting so he could wish her good luck and to tell her that he likes how she looks; Jonah is moving his head as if he’s playing his guitar right now, so there are two options, he is thinking of a song he really likes, or he is adding a good rhythm to the song Marty gave to him earlier; Paul is staring at the stage, he’s probably waiting to see our final work once this starts, and I’m curious too, but Buffy didn’t say something bad about it so I guess it’s great. We see Buffy walking onto the stage, with a big smile on her face, she starts talking about the dance exhibition, and thanks to every single one of us for coming, she disappears from the stage and the show starts. Cyrus makes occasional comments to Andi, and I can’t hear anything. Amber and I exchange glances and smiles when we see Iris dancing a solo, I’m so proud of her. For the next dance, I turn to Cyrus, the song that’s playing is one of his favorite Taylor Swift songs, he’s smiling when he turns to me, I guess Buffy didn’t say anything to him. The rest of the exhibition was amazing, Paul tells me about the good job we did with the stage, and I agree.

Cyrus’ POV

When everything is over Andi and I run to Buffy to give her a big hug, we knew she was talented but this? She definitely was born to do this. When she appeared dancing with Iris? Woah. I couldn’t be happier for her. This whole Cyrus from another dimension was actually a good idea, but I think I got my ‘supportive friend’ roll very serious, I didn’t talk to TJ as I wanted to, and I didn’t look at him either, well, maybe just a little, we came to support our friends, so we didn’t focus on each other a lot. Right now, he’s with Iris and Amber, so I guess I’ll see him later… I have plans with my best friends, we’re going to celebrate in The Spoon. More people come to congratulate Buffy, so I take the opportunity to go and say hi to the band… They’re laughing at something that I obviously don’t understand, Jonah waves at me and I do the same, the rest of the guys turn to see me, once I’m standing between Marty and Paul they look to TJ and then me, probably waiting for any of us to say something first, but we actually don’t say anything. Marty is the one who talks, he says he needs to say something to Buffy before they leave, apparently, they going to Jonah’s house. 

Paul and Jonah see Bowie and they run to where he is. TJ just smiles shaking his head. Is it too obvious that I only came here to talk to him? Or do they know about my crush? Whatever it is, I appreciate it… We don’t say anything for a few seconds, I don’t know what to say, maybe this is a good moment to confess or not? I mean this place is still full of people and I’m not ready to start with those words. 

“You’re doing the expressions, that’s cute” He says smiling at me. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was just thinking…” I say slowly. Is this the best you could think of?

“Right…” He nods. 

Cyrus, this is your chance! Just do it!  

But how am I going to do that? 

“Cyrus?” Our eyes meet and we both smile. “There’s something I wanted to tell you at the party” 

IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS? IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING???  Cyrus, listen to him first! 

“Yes?” That’s the only word that comes out of my mouth. 

“Maybe this is something stupid, but I really want to say it… I think I’m making it longer… sorry” He smiles. “I wanted to tell you that…” 

“Cyrus! Buffy’s ready let’s go!” Andi appears to take my arm as a sign that we have to go. But TJ is about to say something important!

I don’t say anything, all I can do is open my mouth to protest, but TJ speaks first. 

“You should go” He smiles. “We can talk another time, don’t worry” 

Andi takes his words as an invitation to leave, but I look back to where he is, I find him walking towards the band, they’re with Bowie, so he just approaches them smiling. We meet with Buffy outside the theater, ready to go and celebrate, but I’m still thinking about what TJ was about to say, what if it was something like “I like your shoes!” again? But what if wasn’t? What if it was something different? A confession maybe? Probably I’m reading too many romance novels. But he said he wanted to tell me this before, it is something serious then. 

We walk into The Spoon and head to a table, my best friends are still laughing about something I said a few minutes ago, I just smile at them. The Cyrus from another dimension continues to work, or at least to not think so much about TJ. When our food arrives, we make a toast with our milkshakes, to Buffy, to keep succeeding on our projects and to our friendship, laughs and wide smiles fill our table, the people around are staring at us confused, but this is such a good moment for us, it’s been years of friendship, of supporting each other on everything, of years of hard-working and sleepless nights… we finally have a moment to enjoy the three of us, not me feeling sad or Andi feeling weird for being a big sister in her 20’s, or Buffy doing a lot of things at the same time to find her true self in dancing… and playing basketball on weekends with No Exit. This is actually nice, it feels like we’re 13 again, we’re happy at The Spoon with food and milkshakes. 

After a night full of laughs, jokes, stories, and smiles, we leave to our houses. Once I’m in my bed, I start to replay some memories in my head, it’s been a wild ride, my whole life actually, but I’m just talking about this year, everything has been too much, good and bad things, my friends, my family, my job, meeting TJ. A lot has happened, but I’m glad things turned out this way, and I mean everything, even the attacks and losing my inspiration and love for my job. All I have to do is wait until the premiere… I can tell many things are happening this day. I’ll be thinking about the play, so that means if I’m nervous it is going to be because of that, so… I can confess to TJ…

It is normal to feel nervous the day before the premiere, right? That’s what I’m feeling, and I have no idea of what to do. It was a nice and calm week, but now, this happens. I’m in the gallery with Andi, waiting for her so we can go and have lunch together, honestly, I’m not hungry, but I don’t want to be alone, and she wants to help me with the TJ thing. Buffy was supposed to help too but she has a class today. ; I see Andi walking around the place with Libby checking stuff, they look pretty focused on what they're doing, Walker is moving what they tell him to. This is entertaining, well, it was for the first ten minutes, now all I want to do is to get out of here with my best friend. I’m writing some ideas in my phone notes, I’m supposed to be good with words, but when it comes to TJ, I don’t seem to remember that… should I write it? It sounds like a good thing to say to the person you’re confessing your feelings to… I really need Andi’s help. 

“Are you ready?” Andi’s in front of me.

“Yes!” I say as I hug her. 

We make our way to The Spoon, a nice choice actually, we decided to come often now, plus the food is really good. We sit facing each other, everything was perfect, Andi started to write things on my phone as I talked about TJ, and I have a lot of things to say about him, so I’m enjoying this. But her smile fades when she looks at the door, I don’t really get what is going on, so I turn to see what happened, and no, TJ’s not here, Jonah and Paul are, it looks like they’re looking for someone else, we exchange glances and start to finish what we ordered, but it wasn’t enough. They approach our table, greeting us with big smiles and we do the same. Jonah says they were supposed to have a band meeting in here, but Paul tells him that TJ only wanted to see him and not the rest of the band, which makes Jonah glance at him offended. In the end, Paul tells him to go to the pizza place, when they’re finally gone, Andi and I start laughing at the awkward moment and continue with our little task. 

“What we have is good” She says reading. “When do you pretend to confess?” 

“Tomorrow” I say as I take a sip from my second milkshake. 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She looks confused. “I mean, you have to do a lot of things tomorrow… like the premiere…” 

“I know that, that’s why I’m doing it” This doesn’t help, her expression is the same. “If I’m worried about what would happen with the play, I’ll be able to confess to him without worrying if it’s mutual” 

“It’s mutual” She smiles. “We all know it’s mutual… except you…” 

“Let’s send the notes to Buffy” I grab my phone, completely ignoring her. 

“Cyrus!” She takes the phone off my hands. “Why don’t you just accept it? He likes you too” 

“I don’t want to get my hopes up” I sigh. “What if he doesn’t like me back? Yes, we wrote the perfect confession in the notes… but just think about that scenario, maybe is not what we expect it to be… and it scares me” 

She takes my hand giving me a tender and encouraging smile, telling me that everything will be fine. We send the notes to our group chat waiting for Buffy’s text.

TJ’s POV

Paul arrived late at the bookstore, he said Jonah thought I wanted to see the whole band, but no. I called Paul here because I need his help with what I’m still planning to do… I have no idea of how to do it, or just how to stop people from interrupting us every time I try to do it, so yeah, the new plan is: let Paul make a new plan, we’re two now, that’s definitely better. He also tells me he saw Cyrus and Andi having lunch together… at least I know he’s eating, the text he sent me last night told me the opposite, I really want to see him… but first I need to find a way to confess my feelings for him, I just hope that Paul gets an amazing idea that doesn’t take long to prepare; we walk around the bookstore looking for a gift, this play is very important to Cyrus, so we want to give him a ‘good luck, we know you’re the best!’, I’m not sure of how you wish good luck to a playwright… but the idea it’s not that bad, right? We’re trying our best so that’s something. Once we get out there, we take a quick walk, him waiting for me to tell him what’s going on, and me, telling myself to just say it, but it’s not as easy as I thought. 

We stop outside the café, he turns to me to ask if I want something, that was definitely the moment but I wasted it, anyway, we find a good place to sit, and I know this is the moment. I start explaining what happened at the party, and at the dance exhibition, he’s trying his best not to laugh at my bad luck. 

“I need your help” He nods. “I want to tell him, but I don’t know how” 

“Then you don’t need my help”

“What? I just told you that-” He interrupts me.

“You need ‘No Exit’ help” He smiles. I know where this is all going, and I don’t like it. 

He sends a text to our group chat, with everyone agreeing to meet at Jonah’s house. Paul’s exact message was: “Guys, TJ needs help with something important, Cyrus related, you already know what it is… and Marty, you owe me $20”; he laughs at how surprised I look about the fact that he knew I was going to ask him for help… well, him and now Marty and Jonah. He keeps teasing me for the whole way to Jonah’s, and I have to admit, it’s funny, I understand why he’s being like this, like, the guy's been telling me that I have a crush on Cyrus before I even knew I had a crush on him, and he’s been telling me that we will be boyfriends… I still can’t count that one as something he was right about, I guess we’ll have to wait. 

The guys are writing each one what they think is appropriate to say to Cyrus, they’ll do a good job, I’m writing too, but it’s difficult to find the right words, I want this to be perfect, he’s such an amazing man, this needs to be as incredible as he is. But I’m considering asking Amber and Iris for help too, we’re four guys right here, trying to write a romantic confession, thinking this is easy, being complete fools for thinking that; Marty’s been writing and erasing a lot, Jonah’s been writing a lot, but if he does that it’s maybe because he’s not sure if it’s good… it happens with his songs. I can’t even start with Paul… did you get it? He hasn’t written a single word, he’s still moving his eyes around the room looking for something good, he suggested that I should dance to a Big Time Rush song before, but we said no to that. And for me… well, I’m struggling too, that’s obvious; Jonah has the great idea of sharing what we all wrote to mix the words and make a better confession, it’s a good idea. But the results are not what we expected…

“I can’t believe I asked for your help before Amber’s” I say after reading all the things the guys wrote on that piece of paper. 

“Give it a chance” Jonah says. 

“In the name of love” Paul continues. 

“Maybe you should sing and dance to Big Time Rush’s song Boyfriend as Paul said before” Says Marty while he takes one of the cookies Jonah’s mom made for us. 

“I told you guys Big Time Rush is the solution” Paul smiles.

“We all can dance with you” Jonah turns to Marty. “Stop eating the cookies” 

“I like the idea, I already know the choreography, it’s going to be easy to teach Jonah, maybe a bit difficult with you Marty, but it’s going to be extremely hard to teach to TJ” He stands up. “Can I tell my mom to come and see us? She kind of laughed every time I danced to it” He looks at me. “I want to be Kendall, he’s my favorite!” 

“Can you please stop fanboying over Big Time Rush for a minute?” I smile at him. “Let’s stick to the writing thing, it should be easy we write songs, we just need inspiration” 

“Dude we can’t write this for you, these should be your words, your feelings for him, we all like Cyrus but not in the same way as you do” Jonah places a hand on my shoulder. “You’re not made of glass, we can’t see your feelings” I know he’s right, but I guess I wanted them to know exactly what I was feeling… forgetting what he just said. 

“Maybe we should write a song instead” Marty says as he looks at the floor, nodding. 

“Can you repeat what you just said?” Jonah asks him. Paul and I look at each other. 

“Maybe we should write a song instead?” He looks at us confused. We give him a few seconds to get it. “Oh! Damn I’m a genius, aren't I?” He smiles. 

“You should keep the first confession, just in case” Jonah says with a smile. I’m not sure if he is making fun of it or if he means it. 

We made a circle on the floor, the four of us writing in Jonah’s composition notebook. Our creativity is incredible, I don’t get why we couldn’t write the confession, but we can write a whole song. 

Cyrus’ POV

It’s the big day, the premiere is today, how am I even still alive? I don’t have an idea, the only thing I feel today is nervousness. We have the entire day planned with different stuff. I have to go and give Blue a pep talk, she’s amazing, she’ll do amazing I’m sure of it, but I need her to believe that herself and I can’t just tell Paul to do it, he’s her brother but he doesn’t have an idea of what it is to be there… me neither actually… but I’m nervous too, we’re together in this. But besides all the theater stuff, I have to confess to TJ today, I can’t wait anymore, I have what Andi, Buffy, and I wrote so this is easy, I guess, well, it’s easier than the play so that’s why I decided to do that specific thing today; I walk in direction to the theater, my hands are cold and I feel a weird sensation in them, they’re shaking too, just a bit, I’d be lying if I said I don’t think I’ll have an attack today… because I had one last night. And I called TJ, he was the only person I wanted to talk to, his words are still in my mind, and he actually made me feel better, he said: “You can fail, it’s okay, I’ll be proud of you, whatever happens, you did your best, just remember that”, how is possible that this man is so amazing? I was afraid I might die last night, and he said all those things, I know that if something goes wrong today, he’ll be proud no matter what. 

“Hey, Cyrus!” Blue smiles at me, the moment I walk into the theater. 

“Hi, Blue!” I smile too. “How are you feeling?” 

“I’m fine, I wanted to ask you that, you look like you're going to throw up” She makes a pause. “But don’t worry I’ll do my best!” She’s just like her brother, they really make you feel better, their energy is contagious.

I thank her smiling and getting a ‘you look better’ after an hour. We start with the whole and stressful work. I hope this time I don’t run away from talking to the audience… 

TJ’s POV

I enter my room after helping my father with something in the kitchen, to I find my mom reading the first confession I wrote with the guys. I can’t tell what she’s thinking of, but this is going to be embarrassing, I don’t know why I kept that thing, why did I even listen to Jonah in the first place? Oh, Thelonious. My mother turns to me, smiling she tells me to go and sit with her; there is silence in the first minute, she gives me the confession, that piece of paper has the names of the four of us, thanks for the idea Marty, then, she speaks first. 

“TJ you don’t need help from others to express how you feel” My mother starts. “If you truly like Cyrus then you’ll find the right words at the right moment” She kisses me on the cheek and then leaves my room. 

She didn’t give me the chance to tell her about the song, but maybe I can follow her advice, just like I did with the journals, they have been really useful. I can tell Cyrus how I feel, I don’t need to read this, I can do it; I start getting ready for the play, I want to look great tonight, and since this is also Blue’s big night, she helped me to choose my clothes. When I’m about to leave, I glance at the confession in my bed, before going out I took that thing and put it in my pocket. 

Cyrus’ POV

The place has people walking from one side to the other; Cece and Bex are with Blue and Jim, helping them with some final touches. I starting to feel like I’m going to throw up again, I want to run away from here, this is not a lie nor a joke. Bowie approaches me, offering me to walk a little around the place, he actually noticed my panic attacks all the time but didn’t tell me anything, that’s why he’s walking with me right now, we take a look at the people who are arriving, I see Andi, Amber, Buffy, and Iris talking; Jonah and Marty are looking around the place for Paul and TJ; Libby and Walker are sitting together smiling while he speaks to her; I turn to Bowie when he starts saying something. 

“I know this is scary, but I believe in you, you’re a strong man Cyrus, and if you ever need a push just look for that person in the audience” He smiles. 

I thank him, and turn to the audience again, just in time to see that person walking in with Paul beside him. I smile when I see his face… he looks great, he looks handsome. I hear someone saying we’re about to start, I approach Blue and Jim, and tell them to give their best, that is not supposed to be perfect, and most importantly, that I trust them. They nod and walk away, Cece puts her hand on my shoulder giving me an encouraging smile. Then the show starts. 

TJ’s POV 

The play is beautiful, Blue is doing an amazing job, and I can swear Paul is crying, and so is Marty. Jonah and I exchange glances, we have something else to tease them with. I pay attention to the play, and something seems similar… I read it before, I know that, but… this feels like our story, Cyrus’ and mine, this is literally how we meet. Wait, is this what I was waiting for? Is this the moment when the whole people here in the audience tell me to go and confess my feelings to him because he likes me back? I mean is kind of obvious that he likes me back, why he would use our story for his play if he doesn’t like me back? Exactly, honestly, this is not what I expected, I thought we were going to confess to each other at the same time, and it would be romantic as hell. Well, this is romantic too, he basically wrote me a play, right? I need to go and talk to him. 

“Hey, Jonah” He turns to me. “I have to-“ The sound of people applauding interrupts me, the play is over.

Cece walks on stage a minute after, I’ve been here before, she’s saying beautiful words introducing Cyrus, but this time… he appears. 

Cyrus’ POV

I thought of running away, again, when Cece started to say all those things about me, but I remembered TJ's and Bowie’s words, they both actually believe in me, so I exhale and start walking onto the stage smiling, giving my best, facing this fear that grew up since the last time. This is the moment where Cyrus Goodman can’t run away anymore. A brave Cyrus is standing next to Cece; I take a look at the audience, they’re waiting for me to say something… then I follow Bowie’s advice… I look at that person, I look at TJ. 

“Hello, everybody, thank you for coming! I hope you enjoyed the play as much as we enjoyed working on it” Yeah, now I’m lying, but they’ll never know. “I want to thank all of you, and the crew, Blue, Jim you two were amazing” I smile at them. “Cece, you are the best! Thank you for your patience, thank you all!” 

I walk out of there, my heart is beating very fast. But I understand it, sometimes we fall, that happened to me, I started with the attacks, I felt terrible, but then we rise, and that also happened to me, that's what I just did; I smile to myself after being brave enough to do that when I look up from my shoes, I see TJ approaching me, with something in his hands. 

TJ’s POV

Cyrus is staring at his shoes, smiling to himself, he looks really cute. He did something huge, and I couldn't be more proud of him… and that’s what I’m about to tell him… well, that and you know what else. I’ll try to say to him what I feel without reading it… then I can sing him the song, I don’t have a guitar, or my keyboard, but I still can sing it, right? My nervousness will not ruin the moment, or anyone else, the guys will help me with that. Before approaching him, I turn to my friends, with Amber and Iris next to them, they all are with their thumbs up. Paul told the girls the plan, they were extremely happy about me doing this. I smile at them, then I start walking to where he is, he looks so happy, and I’m happy too, I just hope that my assumptions were right…; he looks up from his shoes, he sees me approaching, I hold in my hands the confession we wrote as if my life depended on it. I congratulate him for everything, for the play, for being brave enough to walk into the stage to talk to the audience. After a few seconds of, a totally not awkward, silence, I decide to speak. 

“I wrote you something, but…” I look at the paper in my hands. “I prefer to speak from my heart instead of reading” Cyrus looks kind of confused I’m not going to lie. 

“TJ…” Our eyes meet. He wants to say something too, but if I don’t tell him right now, I’ll cry. 

“Please let me speak first… this is… important…” He nods. “I’m not sure how it happened or when, but I can say how important you are in my life and how much you inspire me day by day, I never thought I could feel this way, but it happened and I’m glad that you’re the person I have feelings for, you don’t even have to say anything, I just wanted to tell you because…” I don’t have words. I take a breath. “Cyrus, I like you” 

“TJ…” He opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. I’m kind of scared. “I don’t have words right now, well, I do, but they are not much different from yours” How am I even still breathing? He laughs. “I don’t know how to start, I’ve been looking for the perfect words to tell you how much I like you, it’s just that when it comes to you, I think everything twice, that’s what you do to me… you leave me speechless, but there’s something that I can say” He takes a breath and with a tender smile he says the words I waited for. “TJ, I like you” 

I don’t know what to do, I just smile at him. I’m paralyzed, Cyrus is there waiting for me to say something else… or to do something… I’m breathing, but I can’t really move, in my head, those words are repeating, he likes me too, that’s something unexpected, but I wanted it to be this way… and Paul said it all this time, this guy is something else. Cyrus is still there staring at me, this is where I should do something, like right now, but I can’t. He smiles taking a deep breath and then… 

Cyrus’ POV

I was waiting for TJ to say or do something, but he was just standing there. This was actually predictable, but I didn’t know he was confessing… and maybe my words weren’t the same I wrote with my best friends, not even close, honestly, but I said what I was thinking, what I feel. He’s still quiet, so I smile once again and take a deep breath before starting to get closer to his face, he looks as he doesn’t have a clue of what I’m about to do. I stare into his eyes for a few seconds, then break the little distance between us with a kiss. I can hear some voices, probably from the guys, but I don’t pay them much attention, TJ doesn't take long to follow me in this action. This is probably the longest yet shortest time, it doesn't even resemble when we just look at each other while smiling, it feels like time really stops, and all I can concentrate on is the feeling of this kiss. I debate a bit on whether to open my eyes, I don't want something awkward to happen, so I just let myself be carried away by the moment. A minute later we finally pull apart, and again, I wait for him to say something first. Did this really happen? Did I really just kiss TJ Kippen? This is nothing like where we started, switching coffees by accident…

“That was…” He moves his mouth, but nothing comes out. 

“Yeah, I know…” I try not to smile. 

“So…” He hesitates a bit. “What are we now?” I smile at his words.

“What do you want us to be?” I ask, hoping for him to say those words. 

“Well, boyfriends it’s a pretty good word” He smiles. 

“I like it too” We stare into each other’s eyes. He intertwines his fingers with mine, then remembers something that seems important.

“I almost forgot… I wrote you a song… that was actually how I was supposed to confess…” A song… I didn’t expect that. 

“Then sing it” I smile. 

He nods, then takes a quick look around the place, everyone is still in their own things, he takes a deep breath and starts singing… this is a beautiful song. I’d be lying if I say I never imagined him doing this, I mean, it’s a thing I was dreaming about lately, since the party, when he said he wrote that song. I imagined the song was about me and I started to write some scenarios of it, but this never was an actual option… the night of the play, maybe I was too focused on it to think about it. When he is about to finish the song, I hear Jonah, Marty, and Paul singing to, making TJ cover his face as they put their arms around us. Now I know they helped him to write this… and they already knew about him confessing, maybe that’s why Paul was a bit weird… I thought that it was because of his sister; when they end the song, the questions start, Andi, Buffy, Amber, and Iris approach us to do the same thing, we just smile, maybe that can answer their questions… I take TJ’s hand and turn to all of them, it didn’t take them long to tell us how happy they are. When we finally agree to go and celebrate everything that has just happened, starting from the play, we all get out of the theater. They walk a few steps ahead of us, close enough to see them, but also far enough away so they don't hear us talking.

“TJ?” He turns to me. “You’re a light in the dark” I say, seeing him smile.

He leaves a kiss on my cheek, we hear Jonah telling us to hurry to get to the show at the pizzeria. We pick up our pace; this has been a great night, and it makes me realize how you can have good days, but the next day can be a bad one, maybe you have a panic attack that day, maybe you have too much work to do, I can't tell you for sure that your life is always going to be great and happy, you have bad days too, even bad seasons, but I guess a part of growing personally, is the fact that you're a human, you can have panic attacks and still be in a relationship, still having a job, because you can be a functioning human… or maybe not, it's still valid if you can't, we all go at our own pace. In the beginning, I thought that it was the end of my world only because the panic attacks started…  and I'm sure TJ felt the same way, that's what brought us together, probably this will never stop, but we can count on each other. I can't wait to see what the future holds for all of us.