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You made your way into the apartment from the car, groceries in each hand. Having returned to your personal space, you allowed yourself to exhale the breath you had held all the way from the store. Your mood had turned sour upon seeing couples out and about shopping together, old married couples, teenagers with their young love. The domestic appeal of having somebody stable and there. It was envious. And your pandering thoughts wondered which day Hisoka would return.
'No,' You briefly shook your head in disgust when you caught yourself thinking about him again, as if that motion would filter out your plaguing worries and hopeful wishes of the jester's reappearance. 'I don't need him.'
You and me always forever
We could stay alone together
You and me always forever
Say you'll stay never be severed
You were prepared to place your food items away to their designated places… but... instead, your tired body betrayed you, and leaden hands lowered the bagged groceries onto the floor with a soft thump. You still found that something else was weighing you down. A feeling abstract and intangible.
An exasperated sigh tumbled from your mouth as you caved in to the approaching pain that was washing over, and next, proceeded to conduct a showcase of a pitiful sight right in your very kitchen. You slid down against the solid cabinets and sat on the plain tiled flooring, spine pressing uncomfortably into the hard wooden doors. You stared blankly at your cold feet. The whole apartment was cold.
In the shape of a moldless blob, you hugged your arms tightly around your legs as best you could, fighting to hold the remnants of a broken falling structure. Burying your face into your knees, you closed your eyes. Black was your sense of vision. Black and... red. Fiery red. Hisoka. It had been months since you’d last seen the conniving man. You knew he wasn’t the long-term type, and knew he would eventually leave you heartbroken, but for him, you thought you would learn to just live in the moment and expect nothing more.
Laughable. You were really kidding yourself.
All those useless attempts at lecturing your heart to not cater to his every whim, and yet, you still allowed yourself to be strung along by his wishes and commands. What were you thinking? He would never be interested for longer than enough. Once Hisoka had a taste of you, he would decide that he's had his fill and throw you away like scraps. Nothing more than scraps he could afford to toss. But anything to stay in his presence right?
But much to your irritation and more than you'd like to admit to, your mind had simply not permitted you to forget about him for a single dreadful day. No matter how unforgivably he's treated you, you would bend over backwards to please him when he beckoned. And you still didn't know just why of all the days he had been missing, today was the day you felt the worst. Missed him the most.
You know you've got me in your pocket
You don't just have to wait around
You don't just have to wait around
Hisoka could disappear for weeks at a time and pop back into your life, not missing a beat. Audaciously waltzing through the doorframe with his natural, grandiose entrance, and proudly welcome himself to your abode with his copy of your key. You couldn't even recall when a copy existed. But when he showed up (almost always unannounced), he would never bear any signs of missing you behind his signature sly smirks. And always, as a secret kept from him, you wished that he could empathize the feeling, even just a crumb, of how much it hurt you to be parted from him, as pretentious as his essence was.
You waited for boring weeks to turn into long months without any signs from him, so you couldn't see how it was fair for you to dwell on a person so much, when they didn’t harbour the slightest thoughts about you at all. Unbothered by your removal from his life, because he had much bigger things to plan for. Maybe your novelty had worn off, and perhaps he had already effortlessly switched you out for possibly an easy bimbo. How many hearts did he have to claim and break to feel fulfilled?
Your hands clenched into tight fists at the thought of how wanted of a man he was, and how expendable you were. Thoughts about him sleeping, being with somebody else. How could anyone turn him down? You selfishly, jealously, wanted to keep him out of the spotlight and quietly to yourself, but undeniably, this was Hisoka we were talking about. To lead a regular life was out of bounds in trade of an exciting one with him. Exciting, eventful, and drawing, Hisoka was like the circus in town... Short-lived. Adamant on chasing after his bloodlust, with the pleasure derived from the satisfying thrills of his missions, both those things were more paramount than you. Those things stole him away from you. Anything else all seemed to be significantly more important to Hisoka than you, but as much as you already knew…
You know I'll keep you in my locket
Just come here and we can settle down
Without a shred of esteem or decency, you choked out an anticipated, yet sudden sob, and the hot tears ensued, pouring out from behind weak dams. The swelling pressure behind your eyes had now begun to release. You cried, ugly and loudly in privacy, on the empty kitchen floor. You felt especially miserable and lonely without his presence today. This wasn't a show for anybody, they were your true and unrestrained feelings for the magician. You could only continue to lie to yourself so much.
Bent over like that, it quickly became difficult for your lungs to keep you breathing normally, but you had long since lost what little sensibilities or control you had over the raging circuits of emotions. Unable to compose yourself. You didn’t know how you could knowingly love and miss somebody who kills you so much and treats you like shit. Somebody who threaded in and out of your life seamlessly when he could spare the time of day. Only when it was convenient for him, would he think about swinging around the corner to brighten your day. How easily your happiness depended upon him. God. You'd never knew anybody so cunning, so manipulative!
You thought these things... but nevertheless, you hopelessly missed Hisoka. You missed how sweet he could be. How precious he would make you feel with the simplicity of words and the innocent brushing of his skin against yours. You swipe away at your tears with your own thumbs, poorly mimicking the way he would tend to you if he were here now; as if he were the one wiping them away. You were reminded of the pads of his rough calloused fingers on your cheeks as he would sing you with praise. The compliments that showered you, resonating from the almighty, and powerful man himself. His breath fanning over your neck in that low, smooth voice of his that you wouldn't mind sending you sailing to sleep. But you were also content with the many nights he would keep you awake. Whispering mischievous deeds that, without fail, would enticingly set goosebumps ablaze across your skin. Gently pushing and persuading you into the mood for sensual loving. The way he would press you closely into his plush body, again and again. Time after time. Surely, his duration with you defined that you were at least something to him? Or he wouldn't have periodically come back for more. Well, you would like to think that that was the case. You couldn't help to wonder bitterly at how your role fitted inside his brain... Provider of a place to crash at? A quick and assured hookup? You questioned aimlessly to no end.
You don't just have to wait around
You know I'll keep you in my locket
Just come here and we can settle down
You could feel your heart throbbing, as if it could tear free from its tendons any minute now. The ice cream in your grocery bag was probably melting as you wept, but this was fine. You just needed a moment to be subdued by the pain until it passed on its own. Just wait it out. You will be fine soon. You had worked very hard to maintain an unbothered streak for so long, you earned this good cry. You figured it had only been a matter of time before your snowballing emotions would catch up to pace and mercilessly crush you.
Digging your nails into arms, you folded closer into your body that racked with meaningless hics and sobs, wishing that you could implode into yourself like an old and tired, condensing star. It will pass. Just give me this moment. Occupied by your thoughts, you don’t hear the front door click open or close.
You and me always forever
We could stay alone together
Hard to say things could be better
“Oh, my sweet darling...”
Instantaneously, your head snapped up in terror at how close this voice was, and you found a frowning face, topped by a pair of disappointed eyes that casted over your damp ones.
"..." Your mouth parts, but your words were lost. You were astonished at the unexpected sight of him, appearing as if by magic to hopefully lift you out from your haunting despair. It was like Hisoka had been sent to you by fate.
“Well, I was hoping to find you here, just.. not like this, my dear.” For a brief moment, you saw how sadly he smiled. Voice almost indiscernibly kind. The subtle hint of earnestness behind his words were enough to tell you that he worried for your wellbeing. He cared for your feelings, right? You madly wished he would say the words he 'missed you', the bold statement would give your troubled mind its needed guarantee, of whether he actually cared or not. You needed his devotion set in stone. But they don't come. Only looks exchanged.
You watched in awe at how elegantly the magician slowly made his way to you. Carefully and precisely, like he calculated each of his small movements. He was still his usual red-haired, handsome self, but now expressing a delicate tenderness. He stuck a steady hand out to lift your body up.
Darling don't get away right now
You know you've got me in your pocket
You don't just have to wait around
“You… you're back…” Were the only words you could utter.
He hummed, cocking his head in feigned confusion. "Did you expect any less of me, (y/n)?”
The pain, the heartbreak. None of it mattered now. You balance your weight onto your feet beneath you and push up with your hands, scrambling to get up. Having launched yourself ungracefully onto the tall man, he had still managed to catch you midair, only stumbling a few steps back.
“Oh!" He sounded surprised before you felt his body rumble from a euphonious chuckle. "Awfully affectionate aren't we? How cute.” He commented on your partially childish behaviour of tackling him, instead of taking his offered hand, but you knew he was pleased by your reaction.
As he spun around the room in place with you secured within his muscly arms, you buried your face deeply into his broad chest. Your cheeks were met with a soft, neoprene material, but your forehead pressed against his smooth clavicles. And suddenly, you broke down even harder upon your contact with him, cries growing ever louder, but Hisoka didn't seem to mind. Every waking moment he was away, your heart ached for him terribly, uncontrollably. And to be touching him physically like this now, you never wanted to let him escape, but you know you eventually must let go.
You know I'll keep you in my locket
Just come here and we can settle down
"Tell me. What's got you so down my love?..." He coos after your wailing dies down. Hisoka lowers you gently until your feet are touching the cool kitchen tiles once more, but you continue to hug his body tightly to feed off his warmth and mask yourself in his mixed flowery, fruity scents, wanting to be one with him. "There, there."
You were already drunk off of his touch, off of his voice. He calmly and repeatedly smooths down your hair, quietly shushing and coaxing you to stop your weeping like a responsible parent would to a child. He was still expecting a response though, showing you a patience that he did not bear for most.
“I- I thought the last time I saw you would have been the end... I didn't know you would be back when you disappeared for so long- ”
Before you're able to manage another agonizing possibility out of your frenzied, anxious state, he kisses you. For a flashing moment, you discover a hint of frustration... maybe anger, from his knitted brows before he had leaned in. His large hands were quick to firmly grip the sides of your head, fingers cradling your scalp to let the rest of any unresolved fears slip from your mind, and it throws you momentarily off. So easily and forcibly he had lined your velvet lips up to his own, crashing you into him. And fervently, he takes his sweet time to wet and mold himself to your lips, as if silently making up for the time spent away from your side. And to you, it can almost make up for the compromising pain you suffer just to be together with him. And you would endure the separation again for the sake of this beautiful man.
“Mhm! Hiso-” You try to inch away and notify him of your breathlessness in the timeless moment of Hisoka trying to swallow you up, "Hisoka, wai-" you try again, but as soon as the sound escapes from your open mouth, he slides his warm tongue through to dip into your crevices to taste you. Devoid of air and your head spinning, you stopped to save your energy from your futile protest, to just taste Hisoka on your own wet and pink muscle. He tastes fruity, like strawberry bubble gum. With his overbearing strength, he is nearly unwilling to unhand you, to let you be a being on your own. He will be the one to decide when to break the kiss, and he decides that the session would last for a couple seconds more, for as long and as much as he could exploit and savour this bittersweet moment. He makes it impossible to stay upset with him.
When you feel the pressure of his hands on you lessen, you push away from his chest with more force, finally pulling back from his domineering hold. You both audibly gasp, and he laughs.
"Aren't you being a little too quick to jump to conclusions?" He smirks down at you like the kiss had been no big deal, watching, making sure your eyes were on his.
As you made the effort to catch your breath, he licks the remnants of you off of his lips as you watch, with him intensely staring back. Your breath hitches. You were still lightly panting from the events that had just unfolded, and still processing how sudden Hisoka has shown up from nowhere. Fortunately, oxygen gradually and fully refills your lungs once more, and as you both stand, he gazes into your wet eyes that you believe faintly reflects your pain, in his own longing ochre orbs.
Oh darling it's alarming to think of us apart
You know you've got me in your pocket
You don't just have to wait around
You know…
“I'll forever come back to you, baby.” He beams.
Hisoka is your greatest sadness, and also your greatest happiness.