Archive of Our Own

The Crows were all panting as they ran to Kaz’s nearest safehouse on the harbor.  Their most recent job was a 12-hour mission with non-stop running and using every last trick up their sleeves.  Needless to say, they were all exhausted.

Nina groaned as she tried to get comfortable on the various hay bales scattered on the ground.  “What I wouldn’t give for an actual bed right now…” she mumbled.  Her tossing moved around the hay enough to get it falling on Wylan’s head beneath her.  The younger boy grumbled but was too tired to do anything about it.

“Yeah.  Even before I moved to Ketterdam, I still wasn’t super fond of sleeping in the hayloft.  Too scratchy.”  Jesper moved to make his coat function as a sheet between him and the hay.  

Inej laughed.  “And the Slat is so much better?”  Jesper nodded before laying back into the bale.  It was just quiet moments of rustling before anyone moved to counter her words.  Even Matthias said something about snow under his breath, but Nina shushed him before he could say anything.

Kaz cleared his throat.  “It reminds me of home.”  Inej’s head popped up, her senses finely attuned to Kaz’s sharing voice .  She looked to where he was lounging on the bale nearest the door, bad leg lazily draped over the side.  He didn’t dare look back at her.

The rustling stopped.  “Uh, did you happen to spend a lot of your youth in this safe house?  Because I don’t know where you’d find this much hay in the Barrel.” Jesper questioned. 

“Hm.  Something like that.”  Kaz took a breath and shakily stood up from his position.  “I’m going to walk the perimeter.  Make sure no one followed us.”

Inej made a move to stop him, and the rest of the group called out in opposition.  His visible discomfort was felt in the air.  Inej looked at Jesper accusingly. 

“Really, Jes?  Just as he’s about to share something about his deep dark secret past, you have to ask something like that?” Nina said, deadpan expression in tow.  Inej pulled a similar face, poking him so that he’d have to face her.

“Brekker probably wouldn’t have shared anything else anyway.  He’s too closed off to even share his plans.  For the missions we’re a part of.”  Matthias sat up, staring at Jesper while Nina motioned toward herself.

“You're supposed to be on my side!” she shouted, quickly quieting herself when hearing Kaz’s footsteps just outside the doors.

In reality, Kaz was wringing his hands while pacing around the safehouse.  He’d spoken quietly to Inej about being more vulnerable in the dark hours of the night but didn’t imagine it being now.  Part of him was beating himself up for letting the lack of rest get to his brain, but he could also hear Jordie being proud that he was finally opening up.  Something he hadn’t done with anyone other than Inej since his brother’s death.

-

The crew was planning another mission in Kaz’s office.  He was getting better at letting them around what would have previously been considered only his space.  Inej saw his jaw clenching and set a reassuring hand on the back of his chair.  Were they in private, Kaz would’ve leaned back into it, but baby steps, right?

The conversation had gotten stuck on one matter: horses.  No matter what Kaz tried to move the topic to, one of the others inevitably brought it back to riding horses during this heist.

“I’m just saying, why include horses in the plan if you didn’t even know if any of us could ride them!  Maybe Wylan because of fancy rich people shit, or Matthias because of training.  Or even Jes-” Nina rambled on, counting each of them on her fingers.

“Yeah, Kaz.  Most of us didn’t grow up on farms where we learned to ride,” Jesper interrupted.  Nina only pointed at him, showing her point to be proven.  

Matthias chimed in, saying that his training also didn’t focus much on horses- and more on wolves.  And after a too-long moment where Nina turned to him and cooed at his care for his beloved animal- Wylan cleared his throat.

“I actually do know how to ride a horse- just not that well.  I guess my fath- Jan was focused on making sure that his heir was well versed in that ‘rich people shit’, as Nina called it.”  Wylan winced at the mention of his father, letting Jesper pull him in from behind for a hug.  The sight would have been nice- all of the Crows cozied up with their respective partners.  Until Nina spoke up again.

“See Kaz, more of us aren't able to actually ride horseback.  Actually- do you even know how?” she asked, innocently.  But Kaz could feel the pull of all the eyes in the room on him.  If it were shooting, a tradeoff, or dealing of any other kind, he would’ve been in his element.  But Kaz wasn’t well-practiced in the area of divulging his information at all.

“The merchling said he knows how to do it- as well as Jesper.  I don’t doubt that Inej will be able to learn easily, and the two of you will just have to deal.  That’s that.  Now, moving on,” he spoke, trying to draw attention away from Nina’s simple question.  It obviously wasn’t working, and even Inej could see the little hairs on the back of his neck standing up.  

“No, really Brekker.  How does a demjin like you know how to ride a horse?” Matthias pushed.  Inej flicked her eyes between Kaz and the others, the question all visible in their eyes.  Inej couldn’t help but wonder as well.

Kaz took a short breath.  He knew that this little tidbit wasn’t going to hurt him.  If anything, it would convince the others more to go with his plan.  Whenever thinking of his past, memories were always accompanied by the sight of Jordie’s dead body in the water.  But this time, those thoughts got flushed out with the sound of his laughter mingling with his brother singing a little song.  “Move along, move along…” he mumbled, forgetting temporarily who his audience was.

“What?” Jesper tried to pretend he wasn’t seeing Kaz all spaced out.  The look was bewildering to him, and judging by Inej’s face, it was just as strange.  “Earth to Kaz?”

Kaz righted himself, staring back at the crew.  “Nothing.  It’s just, I learned a long time ago.”  This time, Jesper held his tongue as the room waited to see if he would say more.  “My- Jordie showed me.  The animals… we had to herd.”  That faraway look returned, Kaz staring off into space as more questions circled in the other heads in the room.  Jesper perked up at the mention of Jordie- remembering the name from their fight many moons ago.

Inej took control, pointing back at Kaz’s map as he placed his head in his hands.  “What he’s saying is that if he knows and Wylan and Jesper know, we should all fare just fine.  It isn’t for a few weeks anyway.  We have time to practice.”  She looked back at Kaz, hearing his breathing quicken.  She looked back at the rest of the Crows, moving her hands in a shooing motion toward the door.  “We can continue this later,” she said, to the dismay of the Crows.  She felt for them- it was difficult seeing Kaz and wanting to know so much more.

She closed the door and walked back to his desk, perching on the end he left empty just for her to be able to sit there.  The small gesture meant a lot for them, and Inej knew it was just a small step toward him continuing to be vulnerable.  She waited until he lifted his head up, looking with fondness with a tinge of worry.

Kaz looked back, hoping that his face wasn’t anymore red than it would normally be when he spent time alone with her.  She tilted her head as if to ask about the moments that had conspired earlier.  He stayed silent before standing to pace around the well-worn floors of the office.  “We used to herd.  Jordie would sing a stupid little song, and we’d use horses.  That’s how I know how to ride.”  

“Breathe,” Inej whispered, making Kaz realize he hadn’t been after his short confession.  The shorter girl made a move to place her hand on his face.  Kaz closed his eyes, remembering that her soft palms weren’t his and that her touch was entirely different.  “Thank you for telling me.”

Kaz felt his head fall more into her small hand as he breathed in her smell.  The two of them stood in silence, basking in the late afternoon sun coming through the window.  After a minute, Kaz stepped back, clearing his throat.  “Hopefully everyone will get used to the idea now.”

Inej laughed.  The conversation would never fail to return to the task at hand, but she knew that.  It was worth it to get the little moments where Kaz looked at her like she hung the moon and stars.  Even if it meant that these details about his past came few and far between.

-

Inej was the one pacing now.  She was waiting in the Van Eck mansion with Nina, Wylan, and Jesper.  The six of them were all meant to meet up there after canvassing three separate parts of the city to check for saboteurs in each of the escape ports for the next day’s mission.  Inej made it back with Jesper first, with Wylan and Nina arriving just ten minutes later.  But it’d been an hour since then- and Kaz and Matthias had yet to show up.  

Inej couldn’t help but tune out her friends trying to calm her.  She didn’t even stop to acknowledge Nina’s comment on how Kaz was rubbing off on her.  It was supposed to be simple: walk the harbor nearest each of the three sectors that they had escape boats locked into.  A catch-all before probably never using two of the backup boats, but Kaz was going to be safe.  This was his safety net, she reminded herself.

“Inej, you need to calm down, Kaz and Matthias are big boys.  They can handle themselves!  In fact, they’re probably on their way back here right now.” Jesper said with as affirming a voice he could muster.  Inej from a year ago would’ve been chiding Kaz for causing any kind of alarm over his disappearance.  But recently, he just watched as the concern for each other grew into a larger show of love.  He looked over at Nina, who was trying a little too hard to mask her worry as well.  After Matthias almost died, Nina tried to play off every moment like this with a cool demeanor, but it was just to hide her fear of it happening again.  Jesper held Wylan closer after imagining what the two girls were feeling.

Wylan looked up at him, presumably feeling the same way.  “The two of them will burst through those doors soon.  Probably just got into a fight over something small.” Wylan assured.  Inej nodded but didn't stop pacing.  Wylan was worried that she might start a fire, or at the very least wear a hole into the carpet at this rate.  

The moments passed slowly, the only noise in the entrance hall being Inej’s quiet footsteps.  It was another hour and some silent tears shed before the doors began to move.  All of their heads snapped toward the end of the hall, with Inej being the first to sprint toward it.  She began to slow when seeing Kaz being held by Matthias bridal style.  Kaz was clearly still awake, which alarmed Inej further, knowing that a conscious Kaz wouldn’t have let Matthias touch him, let alone hold.

She looked up at the blond, her eyes begging to know what happened.  Matthias walked over to set Kaz on the chaise that the others were lounging on just moments before.  “We were just walking, as we were meant to.  And a group of kids ran up with some kind of dust packets.”  He looked over to see Nina waiting with bated breath, holding Inej by Kaz.  “One of the kids moved to throw it at Kaz.  I moved to see what he was going to do but had to catch him before he fell into the bay.  It affected him somehow.  He’s using strange words.”

Jesper pulled Matthias back to ask about what took them so long.  Matthias mentioned something about putting the fear of Djel in those kids, but was quickly shut up by Wylan asking what could’ve been in those packets.  Swarms of possible drugs it might’ve been passed between the three boys until a groan was heard from the chaise.

“Kaz?” Inej whispered, placing her hand on Kaz’s chest.  The boy laughed and it was as if no one had moved.  Kaz kept laughing and it put happy tears in Inej’s eyes- and inspired mirth in the rest of them.  None had been too privy to hearing such a sound too often- or ever.

Kaz moved his hand to stroke Inej’s cheek, smiling wider than he had at the sight of millions of kruge.  “Darlin’, you sure are a beauty.”  The simple sentence made her eyes bug out like crazy, and Nina’s jaw dropped.  The southern Kerch drawl was so strong that none of them could believe it.  Inej couldn’t imagine Kaz even ever saying those things with an audience.

Wylan whispered in Jesper’s ear, “Is there a drug that can change your accent?”  The latter laughed, shrugging.  Everyone had their eyes focused on the giggling teenager.

“I gotta thank y’all for everythang.  Mattie, thanks for gettin’ me outta that bind.  You’re too kind.”  Matthias looked at him with shock, just nodding and drinking in every bit of this strange Kaz.  Nina was trying to stifle laughs, and Kaz looked at her with confusion. “Nina dear, what’s so funny?  You look as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine!”  He pointed over to Wylan and Jesper, muttering, “Y’all look so damn shocked.  Close your mouths before the flies come in.”  

Kaz hiccuped a few times before just falling asleep.  The other Crows stared at him blankly.  Not only was it something to see him so calm in his sleep, but his voice was something else.

Creeping away from his sleeping form, Inej and Nina joined the boys some feet away.  They all looked at Inej, but she looked as shocked as the rest of them.  “We need to find out what he was given.  Kaz would’ve never said… those things if he was fully there.”  Inej blushed, trying not to look back at him.  Jesper gave her a quick wink, which only made her blush more.

“No, what we need to find out is where that damn accent came from!  That’s south Kerch if I’ve ever heard it.  What kind of drug changes the sayings he uses?”  Jesper looked back at Wylan, parroting his question from earlier.  The five of them were bouncing between debating and watching Kaz toss in his sleep.  It was the weirdest thing they’d ever heard come out of Kaz’s mouth, which was saying something for most.

After calling it a day and getting dinner, the Crows all waited around Kaz late into the night to wait for him to wake up.  He began to stir hours later, everyone waking up as Jesper excitedly bounced, waiting to see what Kaz would say.  The boy immediately felt around for his cane, which was thankfully retrieved and placed by the chaise by Matthias.  He rubbed his eyes, looking around at the expectant eyes of his crew.

“What happen-” he began, before stopping himself at the sound of his voice.  Kaz had trained for so long to rid his voice of the southern drawl he was raised on.  Kazimir Rietveld had an accent.  Kaz Brekker was a Ketterdam native.  He looked just as confused as the Crows were when they heard it.  Clearing his throat, he tried again.  “What happened?”  It came out deeper, and more like any other Kerch person born in the Barrel.

“What happened, Kazzie , is that some punk got the jump on you and shoved some drug in your face,” Jesper explained, if a little giddy to see the recognition in Kaz’s face after hearing his nickname.  His eyes dragged over to Matthias, and with a sharp nod, he seemed to erase the exchange between himself and the taller boy.  

Wylan walked over to ask Kaz as honestly as possible, “So, the accent?”  Kaz balked, and it was clear that his poker face was cracking because of this drug.

Kaz stood, trying to gain more control over the situation.  “The accent was my parents.  Sometimes it… reverts.”  The looks of the Crows were enough for Kaz to move more toward the door, despite hearing their protests and the ever-present and repeated, “I thought your mother was Ketterdam, and your father was profit, Kaz!  You can’t escape these lies!”  A cacophony of laughter followed, and Kaz just raised a hand to wave them off.  He tried not to think about how this was one of the worst ways to talk- especially after being drugged.  He was already thinking of ways to cut down the kids that got him, and ways to get rid of the drug- or better, control it.  That is, until Inej joined right next to him.

“So, you see me as a ‘beauty’, Kaz?” she joked, knowing he had said similar things to her many times in private.  Kaz still ducked his head, smiling softly at her.  

“Of course, darlin’,” he said in that same drawl.  She smiled more just hearing it again.  Just another memory to shelve in her favorite moments with the dark-haired boy.

-

Finally meeting the horses for the mission was a difficult moment for Kaz.  The brown one reminded him of his favorite horse from back on the farm, which he named Buttercup- just like the family dog, the strays that littered the porch in the evenings, and secretly the crow with the clipped wing that keeps visiting his window at the Slat.  A younger Kaz was obsessed with animals and helping Da and Jordie take care of the various ones around the farm.  Kaz now just felt sad seeing them, knowing that no one alive knew the same little songs or jokes the Rietvelds had.

“I’m not sure how we’re supposed to learn how to use these in a few days, Kaz.  It just isn’t going to work,” Nina groaned.  She watched as Jesper struggled to work with his (albeit, acting difficult) horse, while Inej and Matthias were both focused on mounting.  Wylan was just happily brushing his horse.  Nina blew her hair out of her face, trying to see where Kaz had gone off to.  “You guys… I think Kaz has abandoned us.”  She pointed to him flying off in the tall grass, his horse galloping like he’d been doing it for years.  And maybe he had, Nina had no clue after that day in his office.

Kaz was just getting used to his hair moving with the wind again, making him flood back with the happiest memories of his childhood on the farm.  With good ol’ Buttercup II.  He would’ve kept going, but the sound of quiet barking made him stop the horse.  He dismounted, seeing a medium-sized dog sitting in the tall grass.  The dog was brown, with a dark spot covering one of its eyes.  Kaz was overwhelmed by the nostalgia and feeling of the grass and bent down to pet the dog.

“Your collar says… return to Jackie.  Jackie must be super lucky to have you as a dog, huh?”  He smiled at the idea of having his own dog again, and glad to think that his last interaction with dogs was no longer threatening some little girl’s pets.  He played around with the dog, who was more friendly than he could have anticipated.   No matter how much Kaz acted like he was devoid of emotion toward animals, the atmosphere was so calming.  He could practically hear Jordie laughing as he petted the dog.  It was incredibly freeing.  Somehow, Kaz started to believe the old wives’ tales about the countryside being good for one’s health.  But he knew he couldn’t get attached.  The dog was some kid’s pet, and Buttercup II wasn’t really his horse.  

Before he knew it, Kaz was back on his horse to make his way back to the group.  He didn’t feel much time passing while he was with the dog in the field, but the faces of the gang when he returned were enough to tell him they were displeased with his disappearance.  

“Kaz- you’d think if you knew how to ride, that you’d stay behind and help the rest of us.”  Nina placed her hands on her hips, a sour look on her face.  Kaz just kept moving through the stable, beginning to lock Buttercup II back up with the ease of muscle memory.  This wasn’t lost on the rest of the Crows.

“So, Kaz, you gonna fill the rest of us in?”  Inej shot Jesper a look, but he brushed it off to continue.  “You have a southern accent when drugged, know your way around horses and stables, and feel comfortable laying in hay.”  Each tick on Jesper’s fingers made Kaz wince with the back of his head facing the group.  “Did you go on some weird farm-based job back in the day?  What’s the real backstory of Kaz Brekker?” he pushed.

Kaz couldn’t help but breathe out a sigh of relief when Jesper was slightly off the mark.  He turned back to see the looks on each of their faces, ones of confusion and worry on Inej’s end.  “Maybe someday you’ll find more out.  That day isn’t today.”  Groans resulted from both Nina and Jesper.

“Not everything has to be on a ‘need-to-know’ basis, Kaz!” Nina exclaimed.  “We’re your friends.  We just want to know more about you.”

Kaz got a steely look in his eyes.  “Just because I was too tired or worse, drugged , when telling you all about my life, Nina dear, doesn’t mean that I’m suddenly going to divulge all the private parts of my life.  Now if you’ll excuse me.”  As he was walking out, he heard someone mutter something about not using “y’all” and he knew he was in deep.  The Crows weren’t going to let this go, as much as he wanted to erase all of this from their memories.  Part of him wanted to listen to his inner voice- one that was sounding like Jordie as he spent more time relishing in his memories of living in the country- the one that told him to go all in.  He was in recovery and maybe, just maybe , he wanted his friends by his side.  

In an attempt to do a lap around the stable before coming back, that same soft barking sound came from the front.  He could hear the dog becoming more aggressive, and the shouts of the group.  He walked a little faster to the doors of the stable, seeing Jackie’s dog barking up at each member of the Crows.

Kaz instinctively went up to the dog, who quieted as soon as he walked up to it.  “Hey boy, you followed me here, huh?” he whispered to the small animal.  Inej’s eyes were filled with love once again, and Jesper was just bursting from trying to connect these dots.

Matthias scoffed, “I’m the one with wolf training, but the demjin is the puppy whisperer?”  

“You’re just jealous,” Nina retorted.

Kaz stiffened up.  Giving in to his instincts was making him look weak and he just couldn’t look weak.  He reared his hand back from petting the animal, who whimpered when trying to lean into the now missing hand.  

“Who’s dog is this, Kaz?” Inej asked.  Kaz shrugged, trying and failing to lead the dog out of the stable.

Wylan laughed.  “Looks like Kaz is good with more than just horses.”  The older boy shot a glare his way but softened at the look of glee on his face.  All of this was making him soft- and while part of him wanted to lean into it all, Dirtyhands wouldn’t be caught dead like this.

-

The next day Kaz was trying his hardest to focus on the mission, but everything was getting to him more than he thought it would.  He was debating taking a massive detour- something he had never considered before on any mission.  But this one wasn’t high stakes.  Who would it hurt to wait a couple of days?

The Crows were busy trying on these new farm clothes to match with the scenery once they were in Lij.  Kaz saw what he’d already picked out and felt some strange combination of nostalgia and discomfort.  It felt wrong to enjoy something so loose and free without his parents and Jordie by his side.  He’d already been phasing away from using the gloves so much, opting only to use them when in public (or around anyone that wasn’t one of the Crows).  But this was a part of the mission.  He had to suck it up and do it anyway.

Kaz had changed on the lower level of the loft, not bothering with stairs he didn’t need.  His hand holding the cane felt strange.  Usually, a tailored suit was on this arm, not a single layer of loose linen.  While waiting for everyone else to get acclimated, Kaz pushed a hand through his normally gelled hair.  Everything was off and at the same time, entirely familiar.

As Inej floated down the stairs, Kaz couldn’t help but smile the slightest bit.  A sudden flash of Inej and him in a farmhouse was clear in his mind and his smile froze.  “Ghezen…” he whispered.

“What’s wrong?” Inej asked, coming closer.  Kaz shook his head.  He still couldn’t keep his eyes off her now tousled braid.  A memory of his mother was pushed down fast after that.

As the others filtered down from the loft, Kaz took a mental catalog of their looks.  While Jesper obviously looked comfortable, Wylan and Matthias were constantly fidgeting with their sleeves and collars.  Nina just looked excited to have clothes that weren’t so dirty.  He saw Inej and Jesper exchange a look and dismissed it.  Whatever they were thinking of didn’t matter- they needed to get to Lij.

Before he stood, Nina giggled a little and Kaz paused.  “What now?”  Kaz knew he sounded exasperated, but the constant barrage of feelings was making him feel sick to his stomach.  

Nina just motioned her hand toward him.  “You look more settled than I think I’ve ever seen you conscious,” she stated simply.  Kaz hadn’t even noticed.  His elbow placed on his knee, with a wider and more relaxed pose.  Instinctively he straightened out, pulling down the hand that was trying to mess with his hair again.

He just grunted and started walking to where they had the horses stored.  He lifted a hand to stroke Butter- the horse’s face.  Kaz hummed, trying to forget his love for this new horse that had already bloomed.  Soon enough, they were all off to the village.  

Kaz remembered some memories from his childhood before both his parents had died.  He remembered his mother smelling nicer than any flower he’d seen since- a smell he sometimes took the time to find just to have some of her back again.  She’d died when Kaz was young -probably 4 or 5- but he remembered taking trips with her to buy bread and cheese at the small market in the nearby village.  He couldn’t help but think of how close his family home truly was, his entire childhood sitting there with someone else’s family inhabiting it.  He didn’t like to imagine that, but the proximity wasn’t helping.

His thoughts were so overcome with his home- his true home- and his family that he didn’t even realize that they had arrived yet until Wylan’s horse came to a stop in front of him.  “Kaz, come on, we’re here.” he urged.  Turning his head, Kaz could see the rest of the crows dismounting already.  

He looked at Wylan briefly before taking off in the direction of his childhood home, his heart thundering under his rib cage.  He paid no mind to the shouts in the distance, he just had to see it.

“If he takes off one more time-” Matthias started, quieting when Inej glared his way.  But even she was a bit confused at what Kaz was doing.  He never acted this erratic when they had a set purpose to fulfill.

Jesper sighed.  “Can we add this to the file of insane Kaz things that have happened in the last few days?  I swear that drug must’ve fucked him up more than we thought.”  Wylan winced, staring in the direction of Kaz’s fading outline.  

“Maybe it’s just another one of those times where he isn’t telling us stuff?”  He tried to sound hopeful, but Wylan was also confused.  “I just thought we were past that, y’know?”  Jesper threw a hand around his shoulder and began walking into the main market of the village.

“Either way, he’ll kill us if we don’t get this done.  Might as well have a little fun if he’s not around!”  Jesper swiped a treat off the nearest stall, leaving some coins in its place.  He handed it to Wylan while bowing, making the younger boy laugh.  Matthias rolled his eyes but continued forward with a significantly more excited Nina.  The four of them weren’t going to miss an opportunity to relax, even if they did have a mission to fulfill.  They could focus on Kaz another day.  Inej couldn’t tear her eyes off of the hoof prints.  Her mind stirred with ideas, but she shook them out.  She was the Wraith first and foremost on missions, and no thoughts were going to get in the way of that.

Until of course, Nina brought it up again as they poured over the files Inej had collected.  “Kaz looks so relaxed here.”  The others groaned as Jesper perked up at the mention of more of what he was calling ‘Weird Kaz Evidence’.  “I’m just saying that his hair being loose is weird!  When was the last time you saw him voluntarily look like this and look happy?”

“You think he looks happy?  He’s been struggling to talk to us all week.” Matthias argued.  

Wylan snorted.  “Kaz’s happy face isn’t like a regular person’s happy face.  He’s clearly happy because he’s not snapping at us as much, and he hasn’t ordered anyone to do anything.  Plus- he looks softer in general.  Less, uh, sharp?”  The others looked at him knowingly.  “I know, I know.  I’ve just been studying him a lot more recently.  There’s a lot going on there- I promise you.”

Jesper turned to Inej, who was keeping her gaze focused on the files.  “Hey, you must have some idea of what’s going on with Kaz.  You guys are… close.”  He hesitated a bit.  Inej and Kaz weren’t the types to have an announcement about their relationship- but she knew what he meant regardless.

The small girl sucked in a deep breath.  She knew she wasn’t going to spill everything Kaz had told her, but she also knew that there was so much she didn’t know at all.  She decided to settle for something in the middle.  “He’s probably just happy to be on a horse after so long.”  After that, she pursed her lips, taking the files up in a pile to organize them someplace else.  

“I guess we’ll just have to wait for the Totally-Never-Gonna-Happen presentation about Kaz’s life.” Nina joked.  They all laughed, but they all wondered truly what was happening to their normally strict leader.

-

Kaz was restraining himself from pacing.  He didn’t want to look more nervous than he was feeling, and that little voice in the back of his head was screaming that Kaz Brekker couldn’t be nervous.  He was the Bastard of the Barrel- not a whimpering child.  He exhaled, dramatically opening the massive doors to the barn.  If he was going to show off his past, the least he could do is do it with some kind of style.  

“So our fearless leader has returned from his mysterious galavant into the field.”  Despite her words, Nina had a sour look on her face.  Kaz brushed it off.  He knew that that face would disappear as soon as they saw what he had to show them.

“You wanna know?  Follow me.”  Kaz moved as quickly as he could back to his horse, trying to create a gap between him and the Crows.  His eyes were set on the path in front of him- beelining straight to his childhood home.

The exchange between him and the owner of the house buzzed between his ears.  He’d just been lounging on the porch when Kaz arrived.  When Kaz expressed curiosity over what had happened to the house, he assumed that the guy lived there.  But it turned out that he was waiting for a buyer that hadn’t shown up after promising several times.  

“I could take it off your hands.”  Kaz stared down this guy.  A classic realtor, with tired eyes but a zeal for negotiating.  But Kaz could play that game.  While keeping down his shock at his luck over the house being empty, he kept a straight face as the guy rattled off the numbers.  He knew the guy was overcharging him- and honestly, if this were back in Ketterdam, he might’ve just threatened him into giving him the house for free.  But he just wrote down his information to pay off the house in full.  The realtor may have looked skeptical, given his age, but he just looked happy enough to be able to go home.

Once the guy had gone off on his own horse, Kaz approached the front door.  His breath hitched, his hands hesitating before grasping the cool metal of the doorknob.  The small window curtain fluttered as he walked in, dust particles falling to the floor.  It was completely untouched- all of the furniture had the sheets draped over them.  The fireplace mantel had Kaz and Jordie’s homemade handprint plates resting on top.  Kaz couldn’t believe it.  He tentatively walked through the house, as if it would all disappear if he went too fast.  He rounded the corner and halted. 

A height chart that Da had made to show the growth between him and Jordie.  The messy scrawl of his father’s handwriting caused Kaz to back up against the wall, sliding until he hit the floor.  He remained there, tracing the lines of writing until the sun came up.

Kaz snapped back to reality, thinking about how intimate all of this was.  He already jumped the gun by buying the house, and now he was just going to show it off to these people?  A moment of regret blazed through his mind, but then he tried to remember that the Crows weren’t just random members of his gang.  They were the closest thing he had to family.

He started to slow as the house came closer in view.  The massive farmland surrounding the house was already enough to get his mind racing into what life was like here once upon a time- and maybe what it could be in the future.  He eventually made it back up to the front, tying the horse up to the porch columns.  The stress in his mind was making the pain in his leg more noticeable, so Kaz sat on the front steps to watch as the Crows made their way up to the house.

The confusion was evident as each member arrived and dismounted, similarly tying their horses up.  Kaz stood shakily, in total fear of what was to come next.  Without any briefing, he swung the front door open and let them walk through first.  

“Kaz, why have you brought us to a random house in the middle of nowhere…” Nina started, “you could’ve just killed us in the barn- and we wouldn’t have had to ride out here.”

Kaz was about to speak up before Matthias jumped in.  “This could be the drug den he was keeping from us all this time.”  The tone was playful, but Kaz was impatient.

“No- it’s not a drug den it’s-”

Wylan interrupted with a gasp.  All the heads in the room turned toward Wylan, looking at that same small height chart on the wall.  He pointed in disbelief, “Kaz...what is this?”  As Jesper and Inej moved to get a closer look, he could tell the pieces were finally clicking together.

“This was my, uhh, childhood home.”  To say that the outbursts were loud would be an understatement.

“Childhood home?  What happened to being raised in the Barrel?”  Kaz thought simply that no children were raised there- only reborn into something uglier.

“Wait, are these your handprints?  They were so small!”

“This definitely explains the accent thing from before.   And the dog.  And the horses.  And-”

Jesper cleared his throat, smiling with an incredulous look on his face.  “So- you’re telling me that my best friend was also a farm kid and he just never told me ?”  Kaz shrugged again and Jesper yelled something along the lines of there being a connection between them somewhere.

Eventually, after the Crows were finished shrieking over every little thing in the main room, Kaz sat down to try and explain most of everything.  He figured that some things were meant for Rietveld ears only- but this was his new family.

“I lived here until I was 9.  I had my mom only for a few years until she passed, and Jordie- my brother- and I moved to Ketterdam when Da died.  Apparently the home just never sold, and now I own it.”  Kaz could see a fond look form over Jesper’s face as he realized who Jordie was.  And the sadness in the others for hearing of his parents.  It had been so long for Kaz that he was only left with happy memories, and even if the same couldn’t be said for Jordie, he was working on it as best as he could.

He tried to explain Pekka Rollins, Jordie, and the gloves the best he could without any ill feeling taking over.  Talking about Jordie again with anyone was amazing, as if his memory would extend past Kaz’s own life into the minds of others.  “I think Jordie would’ve liked you guys.”  His voice was small and strained, but the sentiment was clear.

“I’m honored that you think so,” Nina laughed.  The twinkle in her eye was likely tears coming up, but seeing the Crows react so well to him and not reject his pleasant upbringing was sweet.

“If anything, this makes a lot of sense for you.”  Kaz rolled his eyes at Matthias, but smiled.  An all-too freeing moment that Kaz just had to slip away from before he became mush.

As he stepped out, he called behind him that the Crows were allowed to explore more of the house if they pleased.  While four of them started to go around the bedrooms, Inej followed him out onto the back porch.  Kaz looked out at the land in front of him- shrouded in sunlight.  None of it compared to Inej.

“I’m proud of you,” she said, and he could hear the happiness in her voice.  “Buying your childhood home is nice, but this land should've always been yours.”

“How do you mean?"

She faced him seriously.  “You should have grown up on this farm, with your family, and never gone through the horrors life gave to you.”  Kaz looked into her deep, dark eyes- seeing nothing but love and hurt for his life.

He moved his hand up to her face, caressing it.  “If I was here all my life, I wouldn’t have met you.  And that’s not a life worth living.”  A tear fell from her face as she cupped his hand.  The two of them remained there- lovingly watching every minuscule move on the other’s face.  Kaz felt at peace.  The clothes, the horses, this home, and the woman he wanted to spend his life in it with.

“We both have dreams,” he admitted, breaking the silence.  “But this-” he motioned to the house, “this is the end for me.”

Inej looked over to the house, their friends’ antics making noise loud enough to hear outdoors.  “And what else does this ‘end’ entail?” 

“Anything you wish, Inej.  Kings and queens, remember?”

“I’m just making sure you do.”  The playful tone of voice made Kaz smile.  He wanted nothing more than to hold her close and breathe in the country air- but he had to calm down the Crows before they broke anything.

Just as he walked back into the house, he saw Wylan holding up a framed document that had his name written on it.  “Kazimir Rietveld… that’s your name and you chose to go by another one?”

He snatched the frame out of the younger boy’s hands and smirked.  “You can’t be the only one allowed to have a new name in a new city.  At least I didn’t get mine figured out so fast.”  Wylan frowned, and took the frame back, eyes pouring over the details.  

“It explains the tattoo,” Wylan began again.  “But it’s your family name.  Are you ever going to pick it up again?”

Kaz’s eyes moved back over to Inej and nodded.  “Maybe someday there’ll be more use of the Rietveld name,” he turned back to Wylan’s widening eyes, “but not anytime soon.”  The other boy quickly looked back and forth between Kaz and Inej, as well as the house as a whole.  But Kaz had already imagined that new possible future in detail through all of yesterday.  

Some things would have to wait, such as when Kaz was willing to go through Jordie or his parents’ rooms and move anything out.  Or decide if he would ever use Rietveld publicly.  Or own up to all the little hints he’d been dropping since the beginning.  But for now, he just sat back and let the calm wash over him as he finally felt as though he was at home again with his family.