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Chapter Text

Wei Ying doesn't consider himself a prideful person. Sure, sometimes he might jokingly boast about his intellectual prowess or his charming personality or his disarming good looks, but what successful Ph.D. candidate with a face like his wouldn't?

Wei Ying knows his limits, though, and he knows how to toe the line between “offensively arrogant” and “shamelessly hilarious,” because there’s no one more shameless and hilarious than him. Shamelessness is charming. Arrogance isn’t. Wei Ying has perfected this art.

Wei Ying isn’t a prideful person, but he is a petty one. Petty enough that he snuck a lab rat into Wen Chao’s dorm room sophomore year after Wen Chao insulted his lab skills (Wei Ying never knew Wen Chao’s screaming voice was so shrill!) and he did pour a steaming hot cup of coffee onto Jin Zixuan’s very expensive, very new designer shirt the day after the peacock rejected his sister (What can Wei Ying say? Being around someone of Jin Zixuan’s caliber just happened to make him clumsier than usual that day when he tripped over three steps and splashed his americano all over the poor man…).

Wei Ying’s pettiness is only reserved for those who deserve it, like assholes who hurt his sister before realizing that they do, in fact, have an enormous crush on the one and only Jiang Yanli and must then spend a little over five years atoning for their sins by treating her with the utmost respect and honor, which is exactly what she deserves (Not that Wei Ying is thinking about anyone in particular…). But there is only one person who, without fail, can bring out Wei Ying’s pettiest tendencies in a heartbeat…

Wei Ying nearly drops an entire flask of warm bacterial culture medium when the call comes through, the vibrations from his phone startling him as he transfers the flask into a shaker. He secures the flask with several rubber bands before rolling one of his gloves off to grab his phone. He rolls his eyes at the caller ID before answering.

"Jiang Cheng, I'm busy right now," Wei Ying says in an annoyed voice. "I'm working in the lab this summer, remember? Nine to five every day. Very important Ph.D. stuff. You wouldn't understand."

He hears Jiang Cheng scoff. “Why am I supposed to remember your schedule? You picked up the call, didn't you? 'Important Ph.D. stuff,' my ass."

Wei Ying sighs. “What do you want then? Or did you just call to harass me while I’m working?”

“I have better things to do with my time than call you,” Jiang Cheng says. Wei Ying knows this is Jiang Cheng’s way of saying that he’s missed Wei Ying. “Jie-jie asked me to remind you about her wedding in four weeks. She said you seemed a little absent-minded last week when she called you and asked you about it…”

Wei Ying does vaguely remember calling Jiang Yanli last week, but it had been in the evening, after Wei Ying had left the lab feeling more exhausted than ever and after he’d braved the harsh disappointment of the campus cafeteria food. He feels a bit guilty. He was probably just humming along to everything Jiang Yanli was saying while fantasizing about her lotus root and pork rib soup.

“Ah,” Wei Ying finally says. “The wedding is in four weeks? That soon? I could’ve sworn…” He checks the calendar on his phone. Sadly, Jiang Cheng isn’t lying to him.

“So you did actually forget your own sister’s wedding,” Jiang Cheng says accusingly. “Why am I not surprised?”

“Hey, it’s been a hectic couple of weeks for me!” Wei Ying protests. “I had that big conference two weeks ago and now I’m working on a new research paper…”

“Whatever,” Jiang Cheng says dismissively. “A-Jie’s wedding is in four weeks and because you didn’t answer her last week, I’m supposed to ask you if you’re planning on bringing a plus one.”

“Uh…” Wei Ying racks his brain for excuses. I’m too busy to date seems like a viable one, if a little bit cliché. I haven’t found anyone interesting lately seems like another good choice, although Jiang Cheng would probably just accuse Wei Ying of being a hermit (which isn’t entirely wrong…but there’s no way Wei Ying will ever admit that his little brother is ever right about anything…). Another excuse, one that’s a little too close to the actual truth for comfort, lingers on the tip of Wei Ying’s tongue. I’m not dating anyone because I’m scared.

Jiang Cheng barrels on before Wei Ying can answer. “You know, if you didn’t have a plus one, that would be incredibly sad. Like, extremely sad and pathetic. More pathetic than that one time you and Nie Huaisang got caught watching—”

Wei Ying lets out a strangled noise to cut Jiang Cheng off. “I thought we agreed to never talk about that ever again. You promised me you would forget about it.”

“Professor Wang, for one, will never be able to forget about it,” Jiang Cheng replies. Wei Ying wonders if you can strangle someone through the phone. “For your own sake, I really hope you have a date. You know everyone is still worried about you being all hung up over—”

“Ahahahaha that’s so fucking funny oh my god!” Wei Ying interrupts in a high-pitched voice. “Well, it’s a good thing that I definitely have a date then! So you can go tell everyone that I’m definitely over the Thing that Happened Nine Months Ago and that they need to mind their own business.”

“Oh.” Wei Ying resents how surprised Jiang Cheng sounds. He is very dateable, thank you very much. Just because he’s been out of the game for about nine months doesn’t mean he doesn’t still got it. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes, very serious,” Wei Ying lies through his teeth. His grip on his phone is so tight that it kind of hurts. “Jiang Cheng, would I ever lie to you?”

“Yes,” Jiang Cheng answers without hesitation, “because you have lied to me thousands of times.”

“Blasphemy!” Wei Ying shouts. “Why would I ever lie to my poor, innocent little brother?”

“You told me babies come from watermelons. I believed you until I was eleven.”

“That was just good-natured fun! Other than that, I have never—”

“You also repeatedly told me that you didn’t have feelings for—”

“Okay, we get it! I’m a massive liar!” Wei Ying practically screeches. “But I’m not lying this time, I swear. Tell A-Jie that I’m bringing a special guest.”

“Just text her yourself,” Jiang Cheng says. “Why do I have to be the messenger?”

“Because you’re the one that called and asked!” Wei Ying says. He coughs and forces himself to loosen his grip on his phone. “So, um, about what you said earlier. About everyone worrying that I still—”

“Nope, not interested in having this conversation.” If Wei Ying could see Jiang Cheng’s face, he’s almost certain that his younger brother would be rolling his eyes. “If you want to know what people think, you should just talk to them yourself. Think about the last nine months. Besides me and A-Jie, who exactly have you talked to recently?”

Wei Ying takes a couple seconds to think about it. And then he realizes that he's definitely been a bad friend lately. It's been almost a year and a half since they all graduated, and he can count the number of phone conversations he's had with his friends since then on one hand.

“Oh,” Wei Ying says. “I see.”

“You have a lot of forgiveness to ask for in your future,” Jiang Cheng replies. “And I have my own ‘important stuff’ to do. You’re not the only one working this summer.”

Wei Ying smiles, fully ready to annoy the shit out of Jiang Cheng. “I’m a Ph.D. candidate, Jiang Cheng. It’s different—”

“Blah blah blah, I’m hanging up,” Jiang Cheng says briskly. “Try not to get dumped again. Bye.”

The call ends and Wei Ying sighs as he stuffs his phone back into his lab coat pocket. He rolls the latex glove off of his other hand, hating how sweaty and sticky his hands already are. It's only eleven in the morning. Wei Ying has so much to get done today.

The good part of working in a lab is that most of the day is spent waiting for things to get done. Wei Ying grabs a stool and sits down next to the shaker. He watches the yellowish liquid inside the flasks slosh around, foaming up as the liquid swirls around and around and around.

Honestly, Wei Ying feels like he’s been swirling around and around and around for the last nine months, throwing himself into school and keeping himself so busy that he doesn’t have time to think about how quickly his life went to shit. It’s easier this way, although it certainly isn’t great that he’s been ignoring his friends for months on end. He’ll need to start making amends soon.

Wei Ying pulls out his phone and starts scrolling through his contact list. He has four weeks to find a significant other to bring to his sister’s wedding. The more he thinks about it, the more he feels sick to his stomach. He doesn’t want to bring a stranger to his sister’s fucking wedding.

He wonders if he can just convince a friend to come with him, then realizes that all of his friends are in long-term relationships (A fact that most certainly contributed to Wei Ying deciding to drop off the face of the earth nine months ago…). Then Wei Ying feels a bit pathetic. He nearly calls Jiang Cheng to tell him that he lied again and that Wei Ying is, in fact, just as sad and pathetic and lonely as everyone else had assumed.

But what Wei Ying lacks in dignity, he makes up for in pettiness. And now that he’s boasted to Jiang Cheng about having a date, Wei Ying knows that there’s no way in hell that he won’t show up with one. He just needs to figure out a good solution, one where Wei Ying doesn’t have to get into another ill-fated relationship but still gets everyone to stop worrying about him.

Wei Ying sighs. This is a problem for future Wei Ying to solve.

***

Future Wei Ying hates past Wei Ying for doing this to him. Wei Ying doesn’t have one fucking clue about what to do, so he tries a foolproof method to get his creative juices flowing: he gets himself so thoroughly drunk that everything seems like a great idea.

A true STEM boy at heart, Wei Ying is systematic about his drinking, making sure to eat plenty of subpar campus cafeteria food before heading to Family Mart to pick up some cheap wine that tastes disgusting but has a decent amount of alcohol in it. He also makes sure to pick up some water and painkillers. There's no one left to take care of him anymore, so Wei Ying has learned how to shoulder that responsibility himself.

It’s barely 8PM on Friday, but Wei Ying has already chugged half a bottle of wine. His electric fan is on full blast, but his dorm room still feels stifling. There’s nothing that Wei Ying doesn’t resent more than the fact that all buildings except the dormitories have air conditioning. Would it really kill college administrators to make student living conditions just a bit more humane?

His face feels hot, and Wei Ying rubs his temples, trying his best to loosen up so he can find some creative and innovative solutions to his ever-growing list of problems.

“What if,” he says aloud, “I harnessed the power of time and made the bacteria cultures grow faster? Then I wouldn’t have to sit around and wait all the time…”

He smiles. That seems like a swell idea.

“What if,” he starts again, “I just moved my entire mattress and all of my bedding into the lab? Then I wouldn’t sweat to death while sleeping…”

He laughs and takes another healthy swig of wine. He’s on a roll.

Now for the scary problem. “What if,” Wei Ying says, “I asked…Oh god I’m not drunk enough for this.” Inside his head, he already has the entire plan laid out, but saying it out loud…Wei Ying is too sober for that.

He finishes the wine and tries again. “I mean…there’s no one else I can ask. So it makes sense,” Wei Ying justifies to himself. “And we’re still friends. He even told me that we’re still friends!” Wei Ying thinks about how they’ve barely talked in the past nine months and winces. “We’re still friends,” he repeats. “It’s fine. It’s totally, 100% fine.”

Wei Ying reaches for his phone, wholly prepared to make an incredibly ill-advised and regrettable decision. It’s only 8:30 now. Great. Then he’ll definitely get an answer back.

He scrolls through his WeChat contact list until he finds a contact titled “DO NOT CONTACT EVER” with a little knife and clown emoji attached. He shuts his eyes tightly before pressing down on the call button. He opts for a voice call because he knows he looks like a mess and because he doesn’t want to get slapped in the face with Lan Zhan’s beauty.

The call rings twice before it connects. Wei Ying inhales sharply. Part of him was kind of banking on Lan Zhan not picking up. Another part of him is weirdly excited. He’s probably just really drunk. Yeah.

“Wei Ying,” he hears Lan Zhan say. “It is late.”

“It’s not even 9PM,” Wei Ying answers automatically, before reminding himself to be more polite. “But yeah, I know it’s late for you. Sorry. Um.”

“Are you alright? You’re slurring your words,” Lan Zhan says. “Where are you? Do you need a ride home?”

“I’m in my dorm. I’m fine,” Wei Ying says hastily, silently cursing at how Lan Zhan saw through him so quickly. “I just…I have a favor to ask of you.”

“What is it?” Lan Zhan asks. Wei Ying kind of regrets not video-calling. At least then he’d be able to see Lan Zhan’s reactions. It’s hard to gauge his tone over the phone like this.

But then Wei Ying remembers that he hasn’t brushed his hair since, like, Tuesday and that he’s covered a thin layer of sweat from the alcohol and the sweltering night heat. It really shouldn’t matter, because Lan Zhan’s seen him in far-worse states, but a still aching and desperate part of Wei Ying is all too conscious of the fact Lan Zhan hasn’t seen him in nine months. That part of him really, really wants to look good whenever they see each other next. So that maybe Lan Zhan will think about what he’s missing out on. Not that Lan Zhan would actually care that much, but Wei Ying likes to dream sometimes.

“I…uh.” Wei Ying tries his hardest to get his scrambled brain to focus. Has Lan Zhan’s voice always been this low and soothing? Or are his phone speakers fucked up? Wei Ying might actually throw his phone out of his dorm window after this conversation. “So I did something stupid a few days ago.”

“Mn.” Wei Ying resents how unsurprised Lan Zhan sounds. Despite what all of his friends and family say, Wei Ying does not commit stupid acts 24/7. He takes calculated risks every Wednesday and Friday (college helped Wei Ying find his limits by narrowing his list of “risk” days from 4 to 2), with exceptions made for special occasions like when Jiang Cheng called him on Tuesday.

“Jiang Cheng called me,” Wei Ying continues, “and you know how I get around him.”

“Mn.”

“And he called to remind me that my sister’s wedding is coming up soon.” Wei Ying hears another hum from Lan Zhan’s end. “Which I certainly did not forget about!” he quickly adds. “You know me, I would never do such a thing! I have…an excellent…memory…” The lie feels thin. Wei Ying finds that he doesn’t care. “Anyways, Jiang Cheng asked me if I was bringing a guest…” Wei Ying struggles to find a good way to embellish the story to show just how dire his situation is. “And he basically promised that I would be publicly humiliated in front of all our friends and family if I came alone! Like, publicly shamed and forced to wear a hat that says ‘I’m sad and lonely and single and I’m going to die alone without anyone to care for me and ahaha, that’s totally not my biggest fear or anything, I’m actually more scared of dogs and having my eyebrows shaved off but dying alone and loveless is a close second? third? fear on my list, not that I have a list or anything, hahaha’…”

“That,” Lan Zhan says, “must be a very large hat to wear.”

“Well, I’m sure Jiang Cheng will have mercy on me and have it printed in a small-enough font that you’ll only be able to read from, uh, maybe a meter or so away…”

“That is still a sizable font,” Lan Zhan says. “And a very embarrassing ordeal indeed.”

"Yes, so embarrassing! I'm so glad you understand my plight!" Wei Ying feels elated. He was prepared to add even more sordid details to his fake story, but apparently, Lan Zhan is already fully invested. This is great. This is wonderful. "So you understand why I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend at my sister's wedding now, right?"

Silence.

“Could you…Could you repeat that?” Lan Zhan finally says in a strained voice. “I’m not sure I’m following your logic here.”

Wei Ying isn't sure of his logic either, but he's drunk and frankly, he's more scared of humiliating himself in front of Jiang Cheng than Lan Zhan, because he's already humiliated himself in front of Lan Zhan enough to last three to five lifetimes…what's one more humiliation? His little brother, though…Wei Ying's pride will not allow him that.

“So Jiang Cheng threatened me with a very scary scenario in which I reveal all of my deepest fears to my friends, family, and even worse, Jin Zixuan’s fucking family, oh god, just kill me now, if I show up alone to my sister’s wedding. The only solution is for me to…not show up alone to my sister’s wedding?” Wei Ying pauses to think, and then realizes he has no thoughts in his head at this time. “Yeah. That’s all. So are you in?”

“Why…” Lan Zhan sighs. “Wei Ying, you are intoxicated. I doubt that you are thinking straight—”

“I’m never straight,” Wei Ying says pleasantly. He lets out a small giggle. The wine is making his brain feel all nice and warm and fuzzy. Wei Ying doesn’t think he’s felt this happy in a long time.

Lan Zhan just sighs again. “Yes, I am well-aware. What I am trying to say is, I doubt that you would have even contacted me if you were not…currently indisposed.”

“What the fuck is an ‘indisposed’?” Wei Ying asks. He giggles again. His brain-to-mouth filter is gone. “That’s a fun word. Lan Zhan, how come you always know so many fun words?”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, his voice thin like he’s losing his patience. Great. Wei Ying would honestly love it if Lan Zhan got angry at him. Wei Ying remembers how much he wished Lan Zhan had gotten angry with him all those months ago. Anything would have been better than Lan Zhan’s cold indifference. Anything for Wei Ying to not feel like an unwelcomed stranger in Lan Zhan’s life.

“What?” Wei Ying says. He tries to come up with something to provoke Lan Zhan. It’s been a while, but he’s pretty sure he still knows how to get under Lan Zhan’s skin. “What is it? Is it past your bedtime? Or are you tired of talking to me? Tell me, Lan Zhan, why is it so easy for you to dismiss me all the time?”

“Wei Ying, I am not dismissing you,” Lan Zhan says, but instead of annoyed, he just sounds tired. Wei Ying feels disappointed. He was hoping for a good screaming match. They’d never had one when they’d broken up. “I am simply asking that you think this through carefully.”

“What makes you think that I haven’t already thought this through?” Wei Ying counters.

“You are drunk,” Lan Zhan states, “and you seem fairly angry with me.”

“I’m not angry at you,” Wei Ying says, feeling the fight drain out of his body. “I just—” I don’t like the way you make me feel about myself sometimes. Like I’m small. Insignificant. I wish I mattered to you as much as you matter to me. Wei Ying sighs. “You’re right. I’ve had a little too much tonight. Sorry for bothering you.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, because apparently Wei Ying is doing an excellent job of hiding that fact that he’s on the verge of releasing some pretty insane, drunk waterworks, “I am not saying no. I just think this is a conversation better suited for when both of us are sober and clear-headed. I do not want you to make a hasty decision that you will regret in the morning.”

“Oh.” Wei Ying feels the waterworks recede slightly. “Okay. Yeah. That makes sense.”

“Mn. I will call you tomorrow morning. Please take care and drink plenty of fluids.”

If it were nine months ago, Wei Ying might’ve whined and asked Lan Zhan to make hangover soup for him, but Wei Ying knows better now. He knows that he needs to be more careful now, so that people don’t tire of him so quickly. He wishes he’d had that foresight back when he and Lan Zhan were still together. Maybe things could have turned out differently then.

“Don’t worry. I’m being careful,” Wei Ying says. “Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Mn. Good night, Wei Ying.” There’s a small noise from his phone as the line disconnects.

Wei Ying sets his phone on his desk and tries his best to clean up. He chugs a bottle of water and then splashes the contents of another over his face. It's a temporary relief from the heat emanating from his face and around the room. Then he feels grossed out by the fact he's lying on his bed in his sweat-soaked clothes that he's worn all day. Madam Yu would have a heart attack if she saw him now. She'd always criticized him for his lack of cleanliness (and lack of motivation, and lack of personal responsibility, and lack of consideration, the list goes on and on and on…).

So Wei Ying forces himself to change into a set of clean pajamas, which he promptly tears off again because it’s too damn hot for pajamas. So he’s just. In his underwear. Still a little drunk. Lying in bed. Reeling from his first actual conversation with his ex in months.

“Wonderful,” Wei Ying says to himself. He rolls onto his side just to feel the cold press of the pillow against his overheated cheek. He closes his eyes and tries very hard not to think about how he ruined the best thing to ever happen to him, and how his lack of self-control just keeps making him ruin it more and more and more.

But hey, at least in the morning, he’ll get to hear Lan Zhan’s voice again, right? That’s an improvement. His chat log is with Lan Zhan is just him sporadically sending memes and out of context pictures of the lab he works in, and Lan Zhan sporadically sending pictures of his bunnies in return. No words, just pictures.

It used to upset Wei Ying a lot—it made him feel like Lan Zhan didn't even think he was worth the 2 seconds it would take to type an "mn” in reply anymore—but then Wei Ying realized that it’s better this way. He sends a picture. A few weeks pass by. Lan Zhan sends a picture. A longer stretch of time goes by. It doesn’t give him false hope, and it at least lets Wei Ying know that Lan Zhan is doing well. And that’s all Wei Ying wants, for Lan Zhan to be well.

Wei Ying sighs and tries to think of something funny to get him to stop being Super Sad about Lan Zhan (something he does every other week, although he’s getting better at shortening how long it lasts). He thinks about how one of the undergrads broke three flasks in one week, although he supposes that’s not funny as much as it is a bit sad. He thinks about that weird meme Nie Huaisang sent him of a person screaming with the message “haha, reminded me of you.” Wei Ying had felt vaguely offended, so he didn’t respond, but it was quite the quality meme. Wei Ying saved it for future use. He thinks about how he feels like he’ll be nothing but a human puddle by the end of this record-shattering summer, and then laughs to himself because the phrase “human puddle” just gave him the worst mental image and wow, this is such a great distraction from thinking about Lan Zhan.

Human puddle. Human puddle. Human puddle. Wei Ying chants it inside his head until no other thoughts remain. Then he falls asleep and has a strange dream in which his body has become a soupy mess with eyes and a nose. He flings goo at innocent people and then melts into the ground, where children begin happily stomping and splashing around on his new, soupy body. It’s not a nightmare, but it’s pretty fucking close to one.

***

Wei Ying’s phone buzzes at 9AM on the dot the next day. He groans and rolls over in bed to answer.

“No, I am not interested in buying takeout from your restaurant. I am a student with no money who survives purely on subsidized cafeteria food and I am absolutely fine with it! Stop tempting me! It’s unethical! I don’t care how good the discount is, I absolutely cannot afford to—”

“Wei Ying.”

Shit. “Oh.” Fuck. “Oh my god. Lan Zhan. I’m so sorry.” Wei Ying feels wide awake now. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from new restaurants lately.”

“I see.” Lan Zhan coughs awkwardly. Wei Ying curses himself for not checking the caller ID. “Do you…Do you remember our conversation yesterday?”

“Um.” Unfortunately. “Yeah, I do.”

“Do you still feel that it is a good idea?” Lan Zhan questions.

Sober Wei Ying takes all of three seconds to answer. “Yes, I still think it’s a great idea. I’m a genius, through and through. No need to hold back on your praise.”

Lan Zhan clears his throat. “Alright. Shall we discuss the details over lunch then?”

“Uh.” Wei Ying was not expecting this outcome. “So…So you’re in? You’re okay with it?”

“Mn. Is it alright if I pick a restaurant? It will not be too far from campus. I would not want to inconvenience you.”

“Oh…sure.” Wei Ying scrubs a hand down his face. His phone pings with a WeChat message from Lan Zhan. Wei Ying glances at the restaurant’s address and sees that Lan Zhan has picked a Sichuanese place. Lan Zhan doesn’t even like spicy food. Why has he picked this restaurant? Wei Ying doesn’t understand.

“I will see you in two hours?” Lan Zhan suddenly asks.

“Huh?” Wei Ying sits up straight in bed. He only has two hours to make himself look like a human instead of an abomination. “Okay. Okay. Two hours, haha.” Wei Ying can feel the panic rising in his throat. “Yeah. See you. Okay, bye!”

Wei Ying hangs up before Lan Zhan can say anything more. He rushes out of bed and starts frantically trying to clean himself up. His head pounds a little, so he chugs a bottle of water and takes some painkillers. He winces as he runs a hand through his hair and then has to spend two minutes freeing this hand. After another five minutes of wrestling with it, Wei Ying manages to get it into an acceptable state. He tries his best to gather it into a cute, effortlessly messy ponytail that isn’t actually effortless at all.

Wei Ying doesn’t remember the last time he did laundry, which is probably concerning, but he tells himself that it’s fine even as he starts searching through his pile of “nicer” clothes that he never wears anymore. He finds an acceptable outfit that he hasn’t worn in months and considers it a small success because it looks much better than his default outfit choice of “oversized shirt and jogging pants” (He works in a lab, okay? There’s no one to impress and atrocious fashion choices are hidden under a white lab coat for most of the day. It’s fine).

He splashes water over his face and examines his reflection carefully. Does he look hot? Not particularly. Between the awful dark circles and the faint stress acne, Wei Ying admits that he’s had better days. But it’s fine. Wei Ying refuses to slap on makeup when he knows he’ll just end up sweating it off in a few hours. Everything is fine. Lan Zhan won’t care. (And maybe that’s what’s actually bothering Wei Ying, but it’s too early to engage in any semblance of emotional transparency, so Wei Ying just pretends that everything is fine.)

I look fine, Wei Ying thinks to himself. Just peachy. Like a healthy mix between “desperately needs sleep” and “natural smoky eyes.”

He reminds himself that he doesn’t need to impress anyone (a lie) and that he doesn’t care about what Lan Zhan thinks about him (another lie). Then he checks his phone and realizes he only has five minutes to run across campus to get to the restaurant on time.

So Wei Ying shows up to the restaurant hungover, sweaty, and emotionally distressed. Admittedly, “hungover, sweaty, and emotionally distressed” is very close to becoming his default state, but that doesn’t mean Lan Zhan needs to see it.

He glances around and catches Lan Zhan sitting at a table by a window. He inhales deeply and tries very hard not to start obsessing over how much of a mess he looks and feels like. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Maybe if he chants it inside his mind enough, it’ll feel more like the truth and less like a feeble lie.

Then he marches himself over to Lan Zhan’s table. Lan Zhan looks up at him and Wei Ying feels his mind go completely still.

“H-Hot,” Wei Ying stutters. Why can’t he make himself look away from Lan Zhan’s face? Who gave Lan Zhan the right to have such a perfect face? Wei Ying feels like his soul is about to leave his body. “Oh my…Fuck.”

“Yes, temperatures have been quite high lately,” Lan Zhan says, his brow furrowed in confusion. “Are you perhaps suffering from heat exhaustion?”

“N-No, I’m…fine…” Wei Ying forces himself to settle into the seat across from Lan Zhan. “It was just…really hot outside. That’s what I meant. Haha.” Yeah I totally wasn’t checking out my ex hahahaha who would be that pathetic? Not me. Hahahaha…

Lan Zhan’s mouth settles into a frown. “With current trends, we will have record-setting summers for several decades to come. Until our friends in power commit themselves to building a more sustainable economy that doesn’t rely on pumping greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, then I fear that we will only see cases of heat exhaustion rise in the coming years.”

Ah. This feels familiar. Wei Ying has missed Lan Zhan’s rants about the environment. He knows Lan Zhan’s official job title is environmental consultant. He has no idea what that means, and at this point, he’s too afraid to ask. All he knows is that he can always count on Lan Zhan to remind him that the Earth is dying and that humans are just trying to kill it faster.

“Right. Global warming and all that.” Wei Ying waves his hands around vaguely. “Lovely.”

“Not actually lovely,” Lan Zhan says, but Wei Ying can see his lips quirking into a small smile. “It is good to see you again, Wei Ying.”

Then why haven’t you tried to see me at all for the past nine months? Wei Ying wants to ask, but instead he says, “It’s good to see you too. You look…good.”

Lan Zhan is as blindingly handsome and put-together as always. Wei Ying scrutinizes his face because 1) it’s a really good face and 2) he wants to look for any signs of distress or discomfort. Lan Zhan looks perfectly at ease, so Wei Ying supposes that the mere sight of him doesn’t bother Lan Zhan that much. That’s a good sign, right?

“I have already ordered some dishes,” Lan Zhan says. “I hope that is alright.”

“That’s fine,” Wei Ying replies, his skin starting to itch from how awkward this conversation is becoming. “Um…about my idea…”

“I have a few questions,” Lan Zhan says. “I have already agreed, so your answers will not affect my participation, but I’m a bit curious about a few things.”

“What things?” Wei Ying questions.

“If you were in need of a fake significant other, then would it not have been easier to ask a close friend or acquaintance?” Lan Zhan asks. “Rather than…um…”

“Rather than my ex-boyfriend?” Wei Ying finishes for him.

Lan Zhan nods and looks at Wei Ying expectantly.

“That’s easy,” Wei Ying says with a small smile. “All of my close friends are already in serious relationships, and I’m certainly not going to bring a complete stranger to my sister’s wedding. So naturally, the only candidate left was…”

"Me," Lan Zhan says. He hums as if he seems satisfied with this answer. "Will there be vegetarian options at the wedding?"

“I’ll make sure my sister is aware,” Wei Ying replies.

“Have you given any thought to a plausible background story and relationship timeline?”

“Um.” Wei Ying has put just a bit too much thought into this. (Read: he’s had too many self-insert daydreams to not have a good getting-back-together story prepared). “I’m just going to tell people that I got very drunk a few weeks ago and ended up on your doorstep, begging you to take me back. Miraculously and out of the goodness of your heart, you take pity on me and agree. We talk through our communication issues and it turns out that maybe you can tolerate me sometimes. So we’ll be about five weeks into re-trying our relationship at the wedding and then maybe a week or two after the wedding, you’ll dump me again. And I’ll pretend to be very sad and I’ll call my sister and cry about it between three to five times, just for extra believability. Then I’ll pretend to get over it after a few months. And that’s it.”

Lan Zhan looks like he’s deep in thought. “Hm…Not plausible,” he says after a few minutes.

“What’s not plausible?” Wei Ying says defensively. Frankly, he’s spent too much time thinking about what getting back together with Lan Zhan would be like, and every iteration of this daydream has always had the same basic course: Wei Ying begs, Lan Zhan says yes, Wei Ying tries harder, Lan Zhan gets tired of him again, Wei Ying gets dumped, then everything goes back to the way it was before. The daydreams have helped him make peace with the fact he and Lan Zhan will never work out. So what exactly is so implausible about it? It makes perfect sense to Wei Ying.

“I think…It will be more believable if we say that I approached you and asked to rekindle our relationship,” Lan Zhan says. “And it will both be more believable and more convenient if you are the one to end it. You will not have to fake any extra sadness afterward.”

“No, that’s not believable at all,” Wei Ying fires back. “It has to be you that ends it. There’s no way that it can be me.”

“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan pinches his nose bridge. Wei Ying shrinks back. This is their first face-to-face conversation in months and Wei Ying is already annoying Lan Zhan.

“Just trust me,” Wei Ying says quietly. “My story is airtight. It will be very believable. They’re my friends and family, right? I know how to make them believe it.”

Lan Zhan still seems bothered by it. "Fine," he agrees reluctantly. "We will use your story. What are the boundaries of this fake relationship?"

“Um…What do you think is best?” Wei Ying asks. He’d really much rather have Lan Zhan decide on things like this, since evidently, Wei Ying didn’t do the best job of gauging what Lan Zhan wants in the past.

“How do you feel about physical affection?” Lan Zhan questions.

Wei Ying tries very hard to seem unmoved, but he can feel his face turning a bit red. “You already know the answer to that.”

“I mean with someone you are not actually dating,” Lan Zhan says. “How would you feel about being affectionate with me?”

I would love it. “Whatever you think is best,” Wei Ying answers. “I don’t have any problems with it.”

“Hand-holding is fine?”

Wei Ying nods.

“Hugging?”

Wei Ying nods again.

“Kissing?”

Wei Ying swallows hard. Then nods.

“Alright.” Lan Zhan seems hesitant. “Perhaps those are enough to demonstrate a believable relationship.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Wei Ying agrees.

The food finally comes and Wei Ying is delighted to see that it’s an assortment of spicy dishes, with only a single mild vegetable dish for Lan Zhan.

“Lan Zhan, why did you order so much spicy food?” Wei Ying exclaims. “You really didn’t have to! I can’t eat this much.”

“Wei Ying likes spicy food,” Lan Zhan says, as if that’s a reasonable explanation for ordering enough spicy food to feed a family of five. “And I know you do not find the campus cafeteria food to be enjoyable, so I ordered a bit more.”

Wei Ying feels like he might just tear up, not from the spice but from how nice Lan Zhan is sometimes. Whoever ends up stealing Lan Zhan’s heart will be a very lucky person. (The thought makes Wei Ying feel a bit sad, which is stupid, because what is there to be sad over? Wei Ying shoves some spiced beef into his mouth and promptly forces himself to let it go.)

Wei Ying feels utterly stuffed at the end of the meal, even though he made a conscious effort not to overeat. College had taught him that overeating has consequences, and Wei Ying is not as invulnerable as he once thought he was. Lan Zhan pulls out reusable containers (he came prepared?) and packs the leftover food into them (all while muttering darkly about the wastefulness of single-use takeout containers, of course).

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan fight over the bill, but Lan Zhan ends up winning by arguing that since he invited Wei Ying, he should pay. Lan Zhan pays at the front counter using his Alipay account. Afterward, they stand outside of the restaurant together. Wei Ying isn't sure what to say, and Lan Zhan looks hesitant too.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan finally says, “do you have any pressing afternoon plans?”

“No.” It’s a Saturday. Wei Ying’s only plans are sleeping and avoiding his problems.

“Would you…Would you like to come by and see the bunnies?” Lan Zhan asks. “I think they have missed you.”

Bunnies. Along with not seeing Lan Zhan for months, Wei Ying has also been unable to check on Marshmallow and Mooncake, the bunnies he gifted to Lan Zhan during their sophomore year of college. 

“I would love to see them,” Wei Ying says. “I just need to swing by my dorm to put away all of these containers first.”

Wei Ying refuses to let Lan Zhan see the state of his dorm (it’s actually not that messy but it’s probably awful by Lan Zhan’s standards), so he requests for Lan Zhan to wait for him outside of his dorm building while he shoves everything into his fridge (which is easy, because his fridge is woefully empty…save for some alcoholic beverages he’s stuffed in the door). Then they walk to Lan Zhan’s apartment.

To Wei Ying's surprise, Lan Zhan only lives about a five-minute walk from campus. He'd expected Lan Zhan to live somewhere more expensive. He knows Lan Zhan can afford it. Unsurprisingly, Lan Zhan's apartment is impeccably clean (the floors are shiny, how is that possible?) and modern. Wei Ying spends all of three seconds admiring it before he spots the bunny hutch and immediately runs over to see Marshmallow and Mooncake.

They seem happy to see him too. Mooncake nuzzles into his knee. Marshmallow is a little shyer, probably wondering why Wei Ying has come back to see them after all these months. When Wei Ying glances over at Lan Zhan, he notices that Lan Zhan has a strange look on his face. He offers Lan Zhan his best comforting smile before returning to play with the bunnies.

A couple hours pass before Wei Ying decides that he’s probably overstayed his welcome. Lan Zhan still has that strange look on his face when Wei Ying says goodbye and heads back to his dorm room.

***

The bunnies had started off as a gag gift idea. Wei Ying had noticed how Lan Zhan had seemed to have bunny-themed everything, from notebooks to pencils to the pins on his backpack (One pin, to be precise. It was one pin showing a white bunny nestled underneath another pin that said “There is no Planet B.” Because even then, Lan Zhan had been full of climate change-induced rage).

So Wei Ying went out to buy a pair of bunnies, half because he thought it would be funny to see a college student try to raise bunnies in their dorm room and half because he really wanted to see Lan Zhan smile (At the time, he’d told himself that “wanting to see your homie smile” wasn’t inherently homo, but it definitely was extremely homo). He knew that the university had a rule against keeping pets in dorm rooms, but Wei Ying had also learned that Lan Zhan could sometimes be persuaded to be flexible with rules (Wei Ying had enlisted Lan Zhan’s help in planting the rat in Wen Chao’s room).

And so Wei Ying showed up to Lan Zhan’s dorm room at 3PM on a Saturday to dump a pair of bunnies into his arms, one with white fur and one with black fur. Lan Zhan’s eyes lit up with something akin to wonder, and Wei Ying tried his best memorize Lan Zhan’s expression for…totally not-gay reasons.

“Lan Zhan, what do you think?” Wei Ying asked. “Bunnies!”

“Bunnies,” Lan Zhan repeated in a dazed voice. “How…How did you…”

“I went to a pet store earlier,” Wei Ying explained. He gestured at the sizable bag in his arms. “I also purchased a small habitat for them and some food.”

“Very thoughtful,” Lan Zhan complimented, and Wei Ying tried his best to not glow under the praise. Wei Ying watched Lan Zhan gently cradle both of the bunnies in his arms, his face pursed into an expression of careful concentration. “What are their names?”

“Uh.” Wei Ying had to force himself to stop having vivid daydreams about watching Lan Zhan take care of bunnies with that same careful and concentrated look on his face. “I don’t think they have any?”

“Then we shall name them,” Lan Zhan said firmly. “Do you have a favorite poet?”

“I’m a science major, Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying replied.

“As am I,” Lan Zhan countered. “My favorite poet is Feng Tang.”

“Who even is that?” Wei Ying had said before shaking his head and sighing to himself. “Well, I may not have a favorite poet, but I certainly have a few favorite people in mind. What do you think about naming one of the bunnies ‘Young Leonardo DiCaprio’?”

“I am not sure the word ‘young’ is necessary.”

“It definitely is. I need to make it clear that my childhood celebrity crush was young Leo, not the dude that pops up when you Baidu him these days.” Wei Ying sighs. “Young Leonardo DiCaprio was a dream.”

Lan Zhan pressed his lips into a thin line before he spoke again. “You wish to name the bunnies after your childhood celebrity crushes?”

“It’s nostalgic,” Wei Ying argued. “Do you see anything wrong with the name ‘Young Leonardo DiCaprio’? Don’t you want your bunnies to be as beautiful as young Leo?”

“I do not subscribe to Western beauty standards,” Lan Zhan replied. “Although I respect your…taste in men.”

“Hm…maybe you’re onto something. Fuck Western beauty standards. Why don’t you name them Huang Xiaoming and Jay Chou?” Wei Ying suggested.

Lan Zhan seemed unamused. “I take back what I said. I do not respect your taste in men.”

“Lan Zhan, that hurts,” Wei Ying whined. “My taste in men is perfectly fine! Who were your childhood celebrity crushes?”

“I did not have time for such trivial things,” Lan Zhan replied. 

“Come on, you must’ve had at least one!” Wei Ying protested.

“I did not,” Lan Zhan insisted, his ears turning red. His eyes flickered around the room awkwardly.

"No, you definitely did," Wei Ying said. He gestured at himself. "This is a judgment-free zone. You can tell me."

Lan Zhan mumbled something. Wei Ying didn’t catch it.

“Could you repeat that?” Wei Ying asked.

Even Lan Zhan’s cheeks were pink as he choked out, “Xi…yang…yang…”

Wei Ying couldn’t help himself; he burst into a laughing fit.

“Oh my god, really? The sheep? How old were you?”

“I was five,” Lan Zhan said quietly.

“I totally respect it and everything, but…why?”

“He is clever and has a good attitude. He treats his companions well.” Lan Zhan tried to hide his face in his hands. “Please never bring this up again.”

Wei Ying felt a little breathless with just how adorable Lan Zhan is sometimes. First the bunny obsession, and now this. He can’t believe he ever thought Lan Zhan was scary.

“So...you were a young furry?” Wei Ying joked. “Had a crush on a cartoon sheep?”

“I didn’t know any better. I was five years old,” Lan Zhan answered, his ears still bright red. “Please just leave it.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll drop it…” Wei Ying said to save Lan Zhan some face. “Let’s just forget about naming them after people. Most pets have food-related names, right?”

Lan Zhan seemed skeptical. “Perhaps.”

“So just name them after your favorite dessert,” Wei Ying suggested. “Mine’s marshmallow.”

“Mn. I enjoy mooncake.”

Wei Ying held back a laugh. “You’re just a good Chinese boy through and through, aren’t you?”

Lan Zhan nods, his cheeks still flushed from their earlier conversation. There’s a small smile curling at the edges of his lips. Wei Ying doesn’t think Lan Zhan’s ever looked so lovely.

“‘Ten miles of spring wind cannot compare to you,’” Wei Ying recited dazedly, as if he’d finally understood the meaning of the line for the first time.

Lan Zhan looked smug. “So you are familiar with Feng Tang’s work?”

“Everyone knows that poem,” Wei Ying answered.

“I think Marshmallow and Mooncake are suitable names,” Lan Zhan said. He set the bunnies on his perfectly made bed and watched them hop around in circles. “I will do my best to make sure they are happy here.” He turned to stare meaningfully at Wei Ying. “Thank you for bringing them to me.”

Wei Ying had felt a strange warmth unfurling inside his chest as he smiled at Lan Zhan in return.

***

In exchange for Lan Zhan treating him to a meal last week, Wei Ying invites Lan Zhan to a local Shanghainese restaurant for lunch the following Saturday. He tries very hard not to think of it as a date, but it really feels like one with how much he’s obsessing over what to wear and what to say.

First of all, I really need to figure out what the fuck “environmental consulting” means, Wei Ying tells himself. Because I can’t just tell people that my fake boyfriend is a massive tree hugger who wants to save the world.

Wei Ying spends about an hour trying to figure out how to clean the reusable containers Lan Zhan used for the leftovers last time. As a graduate student who has survived on cafeteria food since the ripe age of 18, he hasn’t done dishes in years. And frankly, standing there in front of the bathroom sink with a sponge and some dish soap he literally just bought from Family Mart in hand, it feels fucking terrifying.

He tries his best to just picture glass beakers and flasks in place of the dishes, because he does have lots of experience with washing and scrubbing down lab equipment (although he’s reached a point in life where he deeply resents swirling and shaking soapy water inside a flask). It ends up being relatively painless, minus the fact that Wei Ying half-clogs the bathroom sink by washing grease and oil down the drain (if any of his floormates ask, Wei Ying will pretend to be clueless).

He feels rather pleased with himself afterward, staring at the sparkling containers. He did that. Maybe this will be good motivation for him to clean up the random piles of clothes littered across his dorm room floor…someday. For now, Wei Ying once again goes on a hunt for a nice outfit, digging through the piles until he finds something relatively acceptable. He really needs to fold and put away all these clothes. There are a lot of things he should be doing to take better care of himself and his room, but being disappointed by his lack of good life choices is something Wei Ying is intimately familiar with by now.

Wei Ying spends an ungodly amount of time trying to recreate an “effortless messy ponytail” tutorial he found on Douyin, and by the end of it, his arms are weirdly sore. But his hair looks relatively nice, so Wei Ying feels good about that. As long as he is Lan Zhan’s fake boyfriend, Wei Ying will put forth a conscious effort to not look like hot garbage (and he doesn’t mean that kind of “hot”…he means “hot” as in “sweating his fucking ass off because holy fuck, the sun exists and it’s so fucking hot someone make it stop”).

Anyway.

Wei Ying actually leaves on time so that he isn’t panting and wheezing by the time he gets to the restaurant (Progress!). But of course, Lan Zhan is early and is already sitting at a table by the time Wei Ying gets there.

“Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying calls. Lan Zhan looks up and Wei Ying tries very hard not to get distracted by his fake boyfriend’s perfect face. (It doesn’t work.) He sets the newly washed containers down on the table. “I washed them. Thank you for letting me use them this past week.”

“Mn. It was no problem.” Lan Zhan returns to scrolling through his phone and Wei Ying finally realizes that he’s ordering. He taps on a few things before passing the phone to Wei Ying.

Wei Ying tries to signal that he doesn’t want to order anything by waving his hands, but Lan Zhan seems to think that Wei Ying must really want to order something because he proceeds to practically shove his phone into Wei Ying’s hands. Wei Ying lets out a very embarrassing noise when Lan Zhan’s hands touch his. A couple people turn to stare. Lan Zhan has the decency to appear embarrassed, his ears turning pink. Wei Ying clamps his mouth shut to prevent any more weird, whale-like noises from escaping and orders a pitcher of suanmeitang, because it’s summer and it’s really fucking hot and it’s not socially acceptable to drink in public at 11 fucking AM.

Because they ordered on Lan Zhan’s phone, Lan Zhan ends up paying, which really ruined Wei Ying’s plan of showing how fiscally responsible he is because he totally didn’t transfer a bunch of funds from his bank onto his WeChat account two days ago. Wei Ying offers to send Lan Zhan a WeChat red envelope to pay for the meal, but Lan Zhan refuses. And Wei Ying knows it’s a lost cause because if he sends one anyway, Lan Zhan will just ignore it and let it expire (Because that’s exactly what Lan Zhan did all the time while they were friends and while they were dating…wait, are they still friends or not? Wei Ying feels like he should get this one clarified too).

Wei Ying won’t complain about another free meal. He isn’t broke and penniless, but it’s probably nothing compared to what Lan Zhan makes doing…whatever it is that he does. Wei Ying really hopes he walks out of this lunch with a basic understanding of Lan Zhan’s job.

“So…Lan Zhan…how are things going with…” Fuck, Wei Ying can’t even remember Lan Zhan’s fucking job title anymore, “…your job?”

“It is going well,” Lan Zhan says. “In our current era of rampant corporate virtue signaling, our firm always has great business.”

Wow. Those were…words…

Wei Ying wonders if he can sneak his phone under the table so he can look up half of the things Lan Zhan is saying. But Lan Zhan's golden eyes are fixed on his face and Wei Ying feels like every move he makes will be scrutinized. And so Wei Ying resolves to fall back on his default conversational tactic: bullshitting.

"Oh yeah…virtue-signaling…whew…gotta love that…” Wei Ying feels his forehead breaking into a cold sweat.

“It is truly awful,” Lan Zhan replies, and Wei Ying mentally notes “virtue signaling – bad” in his head. "But at this point, I'm willing to do anything to get companies and corporations to engage in more eco-friendly practices. Even if it means feeding the egos of people who have accumulated unethical amounts of money through exploiting workers by making them feel like they're a climate change activist for a day."

What the fuck is happening? Wei Ying asks himself. “Yeah, I hate unethical money…but eco-friendly…that’s good…haha…”

Lan Zhan’s eyes narrow, as if he can tell Wei Ying is confused as all hell right now.

Wei Ying panics. “Egos! So bad! I used to have one of those, then I realized that the Earth and the universe are both very large, and I am very small and insignificant in comparison, and so I should really shut the fuck up.” Wei Ying’s brain to mouth filter is completely gone, so he just keeps going in hopes that some of the words he’s vomiting out will save him. “Because in reality, we’re all just tiny specs of dust floating around with no real purpose except the ones society tells us we’re supposed to have. We’re all going to die. Isn’t that lovely? Very fun. Yeah.”

The suanmeitang finally arrives and Wei Ying makes a big show out of pouring a glass for himself and Lan Zhan, even though he knows Lan Zhan isn’t fond of sugary drinks. It’s just courtesy. It’s fine. It would be great if Lan Zhan could stop staring at him like that. Wei Ying takes a large swig of suanmeitang and tries to will the ground to swallow him whole.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says once Wei Ying is done fussing over the suanmeitang pitcher. “You are not insignificant.”

Wei Ying nearly spews his suanmeitang all over Lan Zhan’s very nice dress shirt. (It’s so hot outside, why is Lan Zhan dressed like that? Wei Ying’s wearing an old faded t-shirt with his university’s logo on it, because that’s what half of his wardrobe is now. But Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan could be a model. Wei Ying wants to smash his head through the nearest surface.) “W-What?” he says, very intelligently and not at all like he’s having a major existential crisis over how hot his ex is.

“You are not insignificant,” Lan Zhan repeats. “You are doing great things. You have already done a number of great things. You have impacted many people’s lives.”

Wei Ying kind of wants to cry but he doesn’t because ew, feelings, what are those? So instead, he lets his existential fear speak for him. “I don’t know, Lan Zhan,” he says. “The Earth has been around for so long, and it’ll continue to be around long after I’m gone for millions and billions of years. I’m just thinking about the big picture. Nothing I do within my lifetime will really compare.”

“Well, actually, even if the Earth persists for billions of years, it may not be habitable anymore. Which is why it’s important that we take action now to ensure that there is future life on Earth and that…”

Wei Ying almost pats himself on the back because that Earth comment really gets Lan Zhan going, and he listens to Lan Zhan give him a crash course on climate science and environmental stuff until the food arrives. And then he eats a ton to make sure his mouth is always full, because if his mouth is full, then he can’t say stupid shit! It’s a win-win situation.

Wei Ying manages to get the name of Lan Zhan’s employer out of him, and then while Lan Zhan finishes up the xiao long bao, he sneakily pulls his phone out and types the name of the firm into Baidu. It’s an environmental consulting firm. Wei Ying really, really needs to figure out what “environmental consulting” means. But that’s a problem for future Wei Ying. Present Wei Ying is trying not to drool over his ex/current fake boyfriend (god, that really is confusing…Wei Ying resolves to just call Lan Zhan his fake boyfriend from now on).

Lan Zhan asks if Wei Ying is free next week (Of course he's free. He literally doesn't do anything except bust his ass in the lab and mope around his dorm room. But Lan Zhan doesn't need to know that), and they make plans to grab lunch next week again. Wei Ying wonders if this is going to become a regular thing now. Well, he supposes that it's important for supposed boyfriends to seem like actual friends. This will probably be a good way for them to figure out how to act around each other (i.e. Wei Ying needs to figure out how to act naturally around Lan Zhan; Lan Zhan can just continue as is).

Lan Zhan invites Wei Ying over to his apartment again and Wei Ying accepts in a heartbeat because 1) Lan Zhan’s apartment actually has air conditioning and 2) Lan Zhan’s apartment has bunnies.

As they walk over to his apartment, Lan Zhan slips his hand into Wei Ying’s. Wei Ying’s initial reaction is to curl up into a small ball and ask a higher power what exactly he did to deserve this torture. His second reaction is to (very calmly, very slowly) yank his hand away and make some feeble excuse about how it’s “too hot outside to hold hands.”

But then Lan Zhan asks, “Is this okay?” in a gentle voice and his eyes all wide and searching and Wei Ying finds that even after all these months, he still can’t deny Lan Zhan anything. So he just nods and prays that his hand isn’t too sweaty.

Wei Ying presses his lips together because he can feel himself screaming inside his heart. He hates (loves) how nicely their hands fit together and how it's forcing him to remember you used to have this, every day, all the time. But it’s fine. Wei Ying can hold hands with his fake boyfriend. It doesn’t mean anything.

Lan Zhan removes his hand when they get to the apartment, and Wei Ying internally breathes a sigh of relief. He plays with the bunnies for hours and even gets to feed them lettuce this time.

When Lan Zhan goes to answer a phone call in another room, Wei Ying stares at the bunnies and says, “Guess it’s just me and you guys now.”

Wei Ying is vaguely aware that talking to animals that don’t even belong to him is probably a sign of profound desperation or loneliness, but he doesn’t really care anymore. So he asks the bunnies, “How are you guys? Good, right?”

The bunnies ignore him and keep munching on lettuce. Wei Ying interprets that as an affirmative answer.

“Yeah, I bet Lan Zhan takes really good care of you guys. I’m jea—” Wei Ying cuts himself off and coughs. “I mean, that’s really nice. Um. How is Lan Zhan these days? Is he happy? I hope he is.”

The bunnies are way more interested in the lettuce than listening to Wei Ying talk, but Wei Ying finds that he doesn’t mind.

Lan Zhan comes back from his call and Wei Ying realizes that it is really late and he should probably head back and grab some terrible, subsidized cafeteria food for dinner (It’s not actually that terrible; Wei Ying’s just too lazy to carry his own chili sauces with him so everything tastes flavorless to him). But then Lan Zhan asks him to stay for dinner, and Wei Ying is so, so bad at saying no to Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan cooks several extremely spicy dishes (Why does he have so many spices and chili sauces in his cabinet if he doesn’t even like spice?) and two mild dishes. Wei Ying remembers when Lan Zhan used to cook for him, how he’d always managed to get the spice levels just right.

Just before they dig in, Lan Zhan surprises Wei Ying by handing him a glass of his favorite wine. Wei Ying is confused, because Lan Zhan doesn’t drink, but he won’t turn down free alcohol, especially not free good alcohol.

Unsurprisingly, the food is great. Wei Ying is really getting spoiled by all these meals with Lan Zhan. He reminds himself not to get used to it. He finds himself studying Lan Zhan’s face just a little too closely, trying to see if Lan Zhan seems comfortable or not. Lan Zhan seems at ease, but Wei Ying still doesn’t know if he and Lan Zhan are still friends or not. Will they even talk to each other after this whole thing is over? Wei Ying tells himself not to get his hopes up.

When he heads back to his dorm room, feeling very full and a little tipsy, Wei Ying tries very hard not to think about how nice it is to have Lan Zhan around again, even as he falls asleep thinking about soft gold eyes and gentle smiles.

***

For the first few months of freshman year, Lan Zhan didn’t like Wei Ying at all. Wei Ying wasn’t sure if it was his flippant attitude towards studying or his tendency to show up hungover to lectures or his blatant disregard for rules (sue him for eating some peanuts in class), but it was obvious that Lan Zhan disliked him.

Lan Zhan always had this silent, disdainful look on his face whenever he saw Wei Ying (which Wei Ying vaguely registered as “very cute, no homo though”). Wei Ying didn’t particularly care that Lan Zhan disliked him (even though his ego said that it was scientifically impossible for someone his age to actually dislike him because he was very cool, thank you very much), but he did think it was pretty funny. Lan Zhan, all cold and indifferent and not unlike a human iceberg, seething in silent rage about Wei Ying crunching down some peanuts. Sometimes Lan Zhan’s ears would even turn red from anger. It was fucking hilarious.

So Wei Ying started going out of his way to annoy Lan Zhan. He started bringing two packs of peanuts to class instead of just one. He started making sure to sit right behind Lan Zhan so that Lan Zhan could hear the music of Wei Ying going to town on peanuts loud and clear. He even started finding ways to eat more loudly, chewing with more force than necessary and making weird slurping noises. Yes, his jaw did get tired from how fiercely he was chewing the peanuts. No, he did not stop chewing the peanuts with way more force than necessary.

After a month or so, the amusement started to wear off. Lan Zhan was too used to it, and he'd stopped reacting to Wei Ying's antics altogether. He went back to ignoring Wei Ying's existence, and somehow Wei Ying couldn't stand the thought of Lan Zhan ignoring him. So Wei Ying had to devise more innovative ways to annoy Lan Zhan.

For the next five months or so, Wei Ying was rather inseparable from Lan Zhan. He’d sit next to Lan Zhan during lectures and try to make small talk, which Lan Zhan would pointedly ignore (but that never stopped Wei Ying). Lan Zhan used to eat lunch alone in the cafeteria, his icy expression scary enough to stop anyone from daring to sit at his four-person table. But Wei Ying had no such qualms, plopping down in the seat across from Lan Zhan and complaining about the state of the cafeteria food for the entire meal. After classes, Wei Ying would go looking for Lan Zhan in the study lounges and sit beside him to work on schoolwork.

Lan Zhan would never say more than a handful of words to him each day, and his expression remained as steely and icy as ever (although, whenever Wei Ying said something particularly shameless, his ears would still turn red). Lan Zhan’s lack of reaction never discouraged Wei Ying. In fact, it just made Wei Ying anticipate the time that he would really piss Lan Zhan off. Somehow, the thought of prim and proper Lan Zhan getting very, very angry at him was appealing to Wei Ying.

One day, they were studying together in the evening again, and Wei Ying was feeling pretty bored. Lan Zhan was taking notes over something, his handwriting so neat it could put a computer to shame. Wei Ying sighed and started digging through his backpack to find something amusing.

He found a pack of peanuts (honestly, at least 30% of Wei Ying’s monthly budget was going towards peanuts these days) and started eating it. He kept digging until he came across something interesting. Wei Ying held in a giggle and stuffed it under his shirt.

“Eating is forbidden in the study lounges,” Lan Zhan admonished immediately.

Wei Ying just grinned at him. Lan Zhan did something akin to an eye roll but not quite because Lan Zhan was too proper to actually roll his eyes at anyone. Wei Ying was getting rather good at this "reading Lan Zhan's micro-expressions" thing.

When Lan Zhan’s gaze returned to his textbook, his eyes widened in alarm. Wei Ying maintained a serene smile on his face as Lan Zhan took hold of the paper Wei Ying had stuffed inside his textbook and yanked it out.

“Wei Ying!” Lan Zhan says angrily, holding out the paper. It was one of Nie Huaisang’s many erotic drawings he had created in his free time. Wei Ying was particularly fond of how this one captured intimacy between two men, and he thought Lan Zhan would maybe appreciate it too. “What is the meaning of this?”

“What do you think?” Wei Ying replied with a teasing smile. “It’s good, isn’t it? Huaisang is talented.”

Lan Zhan’s entire face was red. Wei Ying wished he could take a picture of it. “What is wrong with you?” he finally spat out.

“So, so many things,” Wei Ying responded. “Do you want a bullet point list or just the short version?”

Lan Zhan didn’t seem to appreciate Wei Ying’s joke. “What exactly do you gain from harassing me?” he asked.

That comment caught Wei Ying off-guard. Jiang Cheng had asked him that exact same question several weeks ago, questioning why Wei Ying would go out of his way to hang around someone that clearly only barely tolerated his existence. Wei Ying wasn’t really sure either. All he knew was that he was in a strange new city, surrounded by strange new people, trying to get used to a strange new routine, and for some reason, Lan Zhan made him feel better about it. Because every time Wei Ying felt homesick or insecure about his major or just not happy with being at college, he could tease Lan Zhan a little and it would take his mind off of it.

Although he supposed it wasn’t incorrect to call his behavior “harassment,” he hadn’t really thought of it that way. Up until now, Lan Zhan didn’t really seem to openly mind that much. But Wei Ying was starting to realize that Lan Zhan’s entire personality was built on “not minding” things. And so how was he supposed to tell just how much he actually annoyed Lan Zhan?

When Wei Ying didn’t answer, Lan Zhan seemed to hesitate, his brows furrowing in thought. Eventually, his expression hardened and he said, “If all you intend to do is annoy me while I’m trying to study, then it would be best if you just…got lost.”

This was probably the closest Lan Zhan had ever come to cursing. Wei Ying certainly never heard Lan Zhan say anything near as vulgar as the phrase “get lost.” So Wei Ying packed all of his stuff up and left, because he wasn’t an idiot and he could tell that he had definitely crossed a line and that Lan Zhan really wanted to be alone.

The next day, Wei Ying approached Lan Zhan before the lecture to offer a sincere apology and asked if they could start over. In truth, Wei Ying had stayed up all night replaying every interaction he’d ever had with Lan Zhan in his mind before he came to the realization that the reason he was so desperate for Lan Zhan's attention all the time was because he really, really wanted to be Lan Zhan's friend, even if he was going about it in a really strange way.

Lan Zhan accepted, but not without a look of trepidation plastered on his face. Wei Ying wasn’t surprised; if someone actively tried to find a million ways to annoy the shit out of him before suddenly announcing that they would change, he would be suspicious too.

But Wei Ying put his best foot forward, trying his best to actually be a somewhat good friend to Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, understandably, still seemed as though he was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop whenever Wei Ying did or said anything remotely nice. Wei Ying just resolved to try even harder.

Several weeks passed with Wei Ying being a diligent student (he stopped eating in class finally, to Lan Zhan's and everyone else in the lecture hall's relief) and a less annoying person all around (he made sure to actually be quiet while Lan Zhan was studying, although he couldn't help but make the occasional comment about how nice Lan Zhan's handwriting was). It felt like Wei Ying was holding his breath, waiting for Lan Zhan to make a final judgment on whether he was friend-worthy or not.

They were at an odd point in their relationship with each other, hovering somewhere between acquaintances and friends. Wei Ying had spent the better part of freshman year finding innovative ways to annoy the shit out of Lan Zhan, which Lan Zhan didn't really seem to appreciate. But then, Wei Ying learned that antagonizing someone probably wasn't the best way to get their attention, so he'd changed tactics and here they were. Almost friends.

Then a whole two months passed and Wei Ying just couldn’t stand it anymore, blurting out, “Lan Zhan, are we friends?” as they sat down to eat lunch.

Lan Zhan seemed bewildered by the question. “Of course we are,” he answered.

“Oh.” Wei Ying released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Good.” He smiled. “In that case, I’m so happy to be your friend, Lan Zhan!”

“Mn. Wei Ying is also a good friend,” Lan Zhan replied.

Wei Ying smiled so hard his cheeks started to hurt, but it was fine. Because now he was officially friends with Lan Zhan. And for some reason, that meant everything to him.

***

Wei Ying actually looks up what "environmental consulting" means and learns that Lan Zhan's job is to meet with rich people and instruct them on how to get even richer by adopting eco-friendly practices (Well, that's a bit of an oversimplification. Lan Zhan advises companies and corporations on how they can both save money and feel better about themselves by making changes to their office buildings, like using LED lights and more energy-efficient HVAC systems. It's a very Lan Zhan-esque job).

Wei Ying is mixing some more tryptone broth in the lab when his phone buzzes. He lets the mixer go and yanks off a glove so he can check his phone. It’s a WeChat message from Jiang Cheng. He glances around. It’s barely 9AM right now, so the lab is mercifully empty. Wei Ying lets out a loud groan. He’s not ready for this text conversation.

Jiang Cheng’s contact name is an orange emoji in Wei Ying’s phone. Wei Ying thought it was funny at the time, but upon further reflection, it was a mistake because now he can’t eat oranges or orange-flavored things without triggering his fight or flight response.

“Hi. Hope you’re still alive and blah blah blah. Everyone is excited to meet your +1. I resent the fact that I am once again being used as a messenger.”

At least Jiang Cheng started off with “hi” this time. Wei Ying sighs and types out “ahahaha that’s great!” and then “…who exactly asked you to tell me this.”

“A-Jie. Who else? She’s going to message you herself but she asked me to text you because she thinks we need to work on communicating better.”

Wei Ying snorts and replies with “there’s nothing to work on. you and i excel at the art of not-communicating.”

“Damn right. Ok bye don’t accidentally eat your bacteria buddies again.”

“it was ONE TIME!! let it go!!”

Jiang Cheng doesn’t reply. Wei Ying goes back to making his broth.

A half-hour later, his phone buzzes again, this time with a text from Jiang Yanli.

“A-Ying I can’t wait to meet this special person!!!!! I hope they’ve been taking very good care of you :))”

Wei Ying knows that the last sentence is both a pleasantry and a threat. Jiang Yanli only uses “:))” when she's feeling slightly murderous. He replies with a string of emojis and stickers in hopes that it'll get her to calm down a bit. It doesn't work, because she keeps responding with more questions that Wei Ying is not at all prepared to answer. So he starts panic-spamming her with memes. Eventually, their chat log is just a bunch of borderline-nightmarish Peppa Pig memes (Wei Ying honestly doesn't know how he managed to acquire so many…he doesn't even like Peppa Pig that much) and Jiang Yanli stops responding with different laughing stickers.

Evidently, Jiang Cheng or (the more likely candidate) Jiang Yanli has told everyone and their mother about Wei Ying’s “new relationship,” because Wei Ying’s phone starts buzzing like crazy twenty minutes later. He sets it to do not disturb and tries to become one with the bacteria. It doesn’t work. He pouts as he stares at a couple of his new plates of bacteria. He supposes it’s fair; a sizable portion of his job includes killing off large quantities of bacteria. He’d hate himself too if he was a bacterium.

He checks his messages during lunch. There’s a nice congratulatory message from Wen Ning, because Wen Ning is the only person in their friend group with actual decency and a sense of civility. He hasn’t seen Wen Ning in at least six months, even though Wen Ning only lives a short train ride away in Tianjin. He mentally notes that he should make more of an effort to visit.

There’s also a slew of messages from Wen Qing and Luo Qingyang. Wei Ying knows he hasn’t seen either of them in two months, when Wen Qing finished her five-year Bachelor’s degree in medicine, even though they’re the only ones in their friend group who still live in Beijing. It’s not for a lack of trying; they’ve talked about meeting up again many times, but between Wen Qing’s hectic work schedule and Wei Ying’s commitments in the lab, it just never quite worked out.

He hopes Wen Qing’s internship at the hospital across the city is going well, and he tells her so, pointedly ignoring the “Did you finally get over him?” and “You better not be bringing a rebound to your sister’s wedding, that would be sad” and “I will take care of you if you drink too much at the wedding but I will not be happy about it.” Wei Ying is a little touched by the last message.

Qingyang (Wei Ying tried to call her Mianmian precisely one time and she gave him a death glare so terrifying that he has never attempted it again. As far as he knows, Wen Qing is the only one permitted to call her Mianmian because of "girlfriend privileges" or whatever) is even blunter about it, sending him a meme of a person crying while hugging a bottle of wine with the caption "I really hope this isn’t you at the wedding. It would be funny, but I probably wouldn’t be allowed to laugh. That’s terrible, you know. I want to be able to laugh freely at your suffering so save your sadness for after the wedding.”

Wei Ying replies with “i will cry all over your nice clothes so that my makeup ruins them.” Qingyang messages back “One day, I will actually have you disappeared.”

He knows that’s her way of saying “You annoy me but for some reason I care about you so please don’t be sad anymore,” and so he responds with a slew of happy, loving stickers and heart emojis.

Wei Ying gulps down the last of his bland, cafeteria cold noodles (Would it kill them to add a little spice every now and then?) before opening up the last message. The one he’s been dreading the most.

“so…did you /actually/ get a new s/o?” it reads. There’s a meme of a person staring creepily out of the corner of their eyes attached. Wei Ying is kind of terrified, but he musters up the courage to type out a quick “yeah” in response to Nie Huaisang.

Huaisang replies immediately with “sounds fake but ok.” Wei Ying is kind of offended.

“what exactly is so unbelievable about me dating someone?” he texts.

“idk but if the loml aka your brother dumped me, i probably wouldn’t be so quick to get into another relationship.”

“ugh pls don’t remind me about you and jiang cheng. it still makes me throw up a little in my mouth every time i think about it.”

“you THINK about us? that’s a little weird…”

“NOT LIKE THAT. i actually hate you. i’m going to block you. bye.”

Huaisang replies with a lot of outraged and furious stickers and then, “wei xiong isn’t it a bit too soon?”

Wei Ying hates this. He hates how Huaisang knows him so well and isn’t afraid to call him out like this. Wei Ying is never going to respond to Huaisang ever again. He’s going to ghost Huaisang so hard that Huaisang will have to orchestrate an elaborate revenge plan that involves his soul getting summoned and implanted in the body of a random dude who has a lot of family issues and very conveniently, also wants revenge.

Wei Ying knows this because one time Huaisang got drunk and started rambling about a weird dream he had in which his brother was viciously murdered and the only one who could avenge him was Wei Ying. Except in this dream, Wei Ying was already dead, so Huaisang spent years trying to resurrect him. At first, Wei Ying was touched that his friend would work so diligently to bring him back to life, and then he realized that he was only brought back to life to be a pawn in Huaisang’s revenge plan. He was less touched by that. Huaisang is fucking terrifying sometimes.

“come on. it’s been nine months. it’s not too soon.”

“whatever you say…” Huaisang attaches one of Wei Ying's selfies, but deep-fried beyond recognition. Wei Ying saves it immediately because even though it is horrifying, there's something very tasteful about a good deep-fried image. 

Wei Ying doesn’t reply and shoves his phone back into his pocket. He sets his bowl and chopsticks by the cleaning station and begins the long trek back to the lab. The sun is high in the sky without a cloud in sight and the heat is sweltering. In a few minutes, his entire body is covered in a faint sheen of sweat. Wei Ying deeply regrets forgetting his sun umbrella in his dorm room this morning.

By the time he makes it back to the lab building, his cheeks are flushed red and there’s a couple beads of sweat running down his temples. The hallways don’t have air-conditioning either, so Wei Ying has to suffer through two more flights of stairs in the stifling heat before he makes it to the office. He sinks into his desk chair and presses his cheek against the cold wooden surface of the desk.

His phone buzzes again. Wei Ying groans out loud, fully ready to give his friends a piece of his mind, before he sees the message is from DO NOT CONTACT [knife emoji] [clown emoji]. Wei Ying really should change Lan Zhan’s contact to something less…foreboding.

Lan Zhan sent him a picture of bunnies. Wei Ying scrolls up in their chat log and realizes it’s been over a month since they last did this whole silent picture exchange thing. He doesn’t feel like digging through his meme collection for something acceptable to send back, so instead he raises his phone up and snaps a quick selfie of himself, still covered in sweat and pouting with half of his face pressed against his desk.

Lan Zhan takes a long time to respond. Wei Ying’s eyes flutter closed. A quick nap wouldn’t hurt, would it? Between the heat and the monotony of lab work and Wei Ying’s inability to sleep before 3AM, he’s fucking exhausted. Sleeping in his dorm room is miserable; he keeps waking up every couple of hours because of how hot it is.

Just as he's about to fall asleep, his phone buzzes with another message from Lan Zhan. It's a link to an article about preventing heat exhaustion. Lan Zhan follows up with another link to an article about the UN's report about global warming. Wei Ying knows that, like every other article link he receives on WeChat, there's no way in hell he will actually open or read either of them. He appreciates the gesture though.

Wei Ying’s about to shut his phone off so he can get back to napping when he sees that Lan Zhan is typing. That’s weird. They haven’t communicated with actual words in their chat log since…well, since the breakup. Wei Ying stares anxiously at the “Typing” status  at the top of his screen for several seconds.

And then, “Are you free this evening?”

Wei Ying sends back a thumbs-up emoji.

Then, “I will make dinner at 6PM. There will be spicy dishes.”

Some days (read: on most days), Wei Ying really regrets not marrying Lan Zhan when he had the chance. Between his financial stability, his bunnies, and his cooking abilities, Lan Zhan is…perfect. Or maybe the heat is really getting to Wei Ying’s head and making him think very inappropriate thoughts about his ex-boyfriend.

He sends back a string of happy and excited stickers and emojis and when Lan Zhan doesn’t reply, he sighs and shuts his phone off. Then he takes a nap, because he’s earned one after all the torment he’s experienced on WeChat in the past four hours.

***

Wei Ying has only ever seen Lan Zhan get drunk once. It was after they had finished their winter finals in their sophomore year and were about to start their one-month winter holiday. Everyone was planning on going home to spend Lunar New Year with their families, so this was the last time all of them could be together before the start of the spring semester.

Huaisang suggested they all go out for dinner and drinks. Wei Ying had persuaded Lan Zhan into tagging along, even though Lan Zhan wasn’t particularly close with all of Wei Ying’s other friends. He knew Lan Zhan didn’t drink, but he thought Lan Zhan would still be able to have fun.

The restaurant Huaisang picked was pretty packed with celebrating students, but they managed to snag a corner table away from the crowd. Wei Ying doesn't really remember what they ate, only that it wasn't very spicy and that he was a lot more interested in the alcohol than the food. He spent most of the meal sipping at his beer, chatting up Luo Qingyang who had the misfortune of sitting next to him, and waiting for everyone else to finish up so they could start ordering some of the more heavy-duty drinks (while also pointedly not looking across the table where his sister and Jin Zixuan were flirting with each other like no tomorrow…Wei Ying was happy for his sister, he really was, but Jin Zixuan was still on thin fucking ice).

Towards the end of the meal, everyone seemed to notice how Wei Ying wasn’t really talking to anyone except Luo Qingyang, which really confused Wei Ying because sure, Qingyang was pretty, but it really wasn’t like that. They were in the same major and Qingyang was nice (and had a tendency to know what she was doing), and more often than not, their conversations revolved around how Wei Ying could improve his lab technique. It wasn’t the brazen flirting everyone else was making it out to be (unless “Please teach me how to plate bacteria, I keep accidentally killing all the little fuckers” could be considered a viable pick-up line).

But of course, Wei Ying didn’t get a chance to explain all of this to his friends before they started teasing him.

“He’s so annoying, isn’t he?” Jiang Cheng asked Qingyang while gesturing at Wei Ying. “You can just tell him to fuck off, you know. Then he’ll stop harassing you.”

Qingyang seemed to be at a loss of words. Wei Ying felt indescribably awkward about this whole situation, since he was like 96.15% sure that Qingyang had a crush on Wen Qing. And out of their entire friend group, Wei Ying was pretty sure Wen Qing and Qingyang would rank as most likely and second most likely to actually murder him, respectively.

“Wei-xiong, are you that desperate?” Huaisang teased.

“Our A-Ying is really all grown up,” Yanli said with a wide smile on her face.

“All grown up, my ass,” Jiang Cheng cut in. “He still doesn’t even know how to fry an egg.”

“But he seems to know how to do other things,” Huaisang said while wiggling his eyebrows.

Wei Ying desperately wished for the ground to just swallow him whole as it continued. Mercifully, Jin Zixuan remained silent, seemingly understanding that he and Wei Ying were not on close enough terms to tease each other (and that if he said anything, Wei Ying might actually punch him). Qingyang seemed like she was getting a little uncomfortable too. Wei Ying glanced around the table and noticed that both Wen Qing and Lan Zhan looked rather sullen. Wen Qing’s eyes had a murderous tint to them, and Lan Zhan just looked…Wei Ying wasn’t sure how to describe it.

Wei Ying tried to distract everyone by ordering a round of baijiu shots, but they still wouldn’t stop even after the shots arrived. He kept spinning the lazy Susan at the center of the table, trying to get everyone to grab a shot so he could organize a toast or something, but everyone was still more concerned about how, evidently, Wei Ying was a massive flirt (Wei Ying was so confused and had no idea how they reached that conclusion).

When Wei Ying finally got everyone to calm down enough to make a toast to the end of their exams, Lan Zhan snatched the glass of baijiu out of his hands and downed the entire thing in one gulp.

“L-Lan Zhan?” Wei Ying questioned. “Are you okay? I thought you…didn’t drink…”

Wei Ying was keenly aware of how everyone else was staring at them now and felt the back of his neck flush hot. And then Lan Zhan toppled forward and Wei Ying let out a (very tiny, not at all embarrassing) shriek as he reached forward to stop Lan Zhan from face-planting onto the table.

Wei Ying felt very alarmed by this turn of events, gasping out a “Jiang Cheng, help me carry Lan Zhan back to the dorms now” before wrapping both Lan Zhan in his coat and dragging him away from the table. Thankfully, Jiang Cheng, who was still mostly sober, immediately got up to help. Once they were outside the restaurant, Wei Ying felt extremely panicked, checking Lan Zhan’s temperature (still mostly normal, maybe a tad warmer than usual) and his pulse (also normal).

Then Wei Ying made a poor life choice and pressed his fingers against Lan Zhan’s lips to verify that he was, in fact, breathing, only to get distracted by how soft and pink and nice Lan Zhan’s lips were and fuck, fuck, fuck. Wei Ying ripped his fingers away and tried very hard to stop his heart from racing because yeah, that was not normal best friend behavior, was it? Goddamn it. God fucking dammit.

Wei Ying made a strange, distressed flailing motion that Jiang Cheng seemed to interpret to mean “let’s get the fuck out of here right now,” which was great because the two of them got Lan Zhan back to the dorms in record time. Jiang Cheng promptly peaced out to head back to the restaurant while Wei Ying did his best to tuck Lan Zhan into bed. Lan Zhan remained passed out for approximately five more minutes before he sat up straight in bed and scared the living shit out of Wei Ying (he did not scream…he just let out a small, but admittedly very shrill, startled noise).

Then Lan Zhan shoved Wei Ying off of his bed. “Shoved” was perhaps too strong of a word for it. It was more like Lan Zhan thwacked Wei Ying with one arm and Wei Ying took that to mean “get the fuck off my bed.”

“Wow, rude,” Wei Ying muttered. “I was just trying to tuck you in.”

But Lan Zhan wasn’t listening. Lan Zhan was digging through his pockets, frowning until he found what he was looking for. Then he thrust it towards Wei Ying.

“Take this,” he instructed, his face very serious but his words slightly slurred.

Wei Ying held in a laugh as he inspected the item Lan Zhan just gave him. It was a wallet. Wei Ying was flattered. Nothing could be more flattering than a man handing over his financial stability to you.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying said, “this is your wallet.”

“It is enough?” Lan Zhan asked.

When Wei Ying gave him a confused look, Lan Zhan reached over and opened up the wallet, showing off several pockets full of cash and credit cards (which is weird because no one fucking uses cash or credit cards in China anymore…not when you can just use Alipay or WeChat Pay instead). Wei Ying, having spent approximately 18 months as a struggling college student, had to hold himself back from swooning over the amount of cash in Lan Zhan’s wallet. In the back of his mind, Wei Ying knew that Lan Zhan was probably loaded (no one could wear so much designer clothing and have such nice school supplies without being somewhat wealthy), but he hadn’t really given it much thought…until now.

“Is it enough?” Lan Zhan repeated.

“Hm.” Wei Ying nodded, still trying very hard not to laugh. “It is sufficient.”

Lan Zhan seemed pleased, his eyes lighting up and the corners of his mouth curling upwards, before suddenly sulking again. “But they don’t like me…” he murmured to himself.

“Who doesn’t like you?” Wei Ying asked.

Lan Zhan didn’t answer.

“Lan Zhan, do you…like someone?”

Lan Zhan nodded. Wei Ying let out a tiny giggle because honestly, he couldn’t imagine serious, diligent Lan Zhan liking someone…but then again, if Lan Zhan was as devoted to his significant others as he was to his studies, then the person he liked would be very, very lucky. The thought made Wei Ying feel just a tiny bit sad, but he wasn’t really sure why. They’d still be friends if Lan Zhan got into a relationship, right? It wouldn’t be a problem.

Then Wei Ying started to think about the dinner and the way Lan Zhan’s face had darkened when everyone started teasing him and Qingyang. A new thought started to take shape in his head.

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying started, “the person you like…is it Luo Qingyang?”

Lan Zhan seemed caught off-guard. “Why…Why would you think that?”

“You seemed angry at dinner,” Wei Ying replied. “If you really like her, I promise to lay off from talking too much to her! The truth is…” Wei Ying felt himself blush. “The truth is that I’m not very good at biology at all, but she really is…and so a lot of the time I’m just asking her for help…It’s not flirting…” Wei Ying wasn’t sure why he was trying so hard to clarify things for Lan Zhan, but he figured if Lan Zhan really did like Qingyang, then he would need to make it clear that he didn’t have any interest in her at all.

It was quiet for several seconds. And then, Lan Zhan said a quiet “I do not like her that way.”

Wei Ying remembers feeling relieved, and then feeling stupid for feeling relieved, because whoever Lan Zhan liked really wasn’t any of his business, was it?

Lan Zhan went back to sleep soon after that, and Wei Ying went back to his dorm room feeling confused and a little sad. He felt like there was something he was supposed to know, but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

(Looking back on it, Wei Ying feels extremely stupid that he didn’t realize it sooner. If he had, then maybe they would’ve gotten together sooner and maybe, just maybe, he would have had a shot at convincing Lan Zhan to stay.)