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When they first started going out, Rin never pegged Haru to be the jealous type. In fact, it was hard to imagine Haru get riled up over anything, unless it had to do with water. In a different situation, Rin would have felt flattered, pleased even, because this was Haru. Every time he managed to wrangle a reaction out of his normally cool facade Rin felt a small thrill of pleasure course through his veins. It was almost like playing a game — a game Rin was very good at. He knew how to push all the right buttons, when to dash in and go for the gold. And yet.
This is kind of scary.
Rin shrugged and tried to ease the tension out of his shoulders. He was used to Haru glaring at him. What he was not prepared for was Haru baring his teeth at him, as if he wanted to rip Rin's head off. Rin slowly edged away from Haru as if he were keeping distance from a wild animal. He darted his eyes at Sousuke who seemed to find the situation perplexing judging from the raised eyebrows. Rin swallowed with some difficulty.
"It's not what you think, Haru."
It wasn't. Rin was not the cheating type, hell no. He was just having a bad day and Sousuke just happened to be there when he finally burst out into frustrated tears. Okay, maybe he shouldn't have used Sousuke's shirt to wipe his nose, but it had been right in front of him. And maybe he shouldn't have leaned in when Sousuke patted his head, but it had been an awful day. He had a splitting headache. His coach grilled him in front of the whole team because he hadn't been concentrating.
It was also that time of the year, and Rin hadn't been sleeping right. For the past two weeks he had been plagued with nightmares of a vague figure being swept off by the ocean. Rin wondered if it was because he hadn't been able to pay visits to his father this year — was his father angry at him? Still, there was nothing he could do; he was just too busy. The coach wouldn't even let him have half a day off.
But, Haru didn't know any of that. Rin tried to imagine how he would have felt if he had walked into Haru crying in someone's arms. He paused for a moment.
I can't get past the crying part. Does Haru ever cry? I've never seen him. Makoto probably knows. Maybe I should ask him.
"You guys need some room?"
Rin gave a curt nod to Sousuke and out of habit, Sousuke reached out and ruffled Rin's hair. Rin almost leaned in instinctively, but immediately he could hear what sounded like a snarl rip out of Haru's throat. He quickly shoved Sousuke away before he could do more damage. When he heard the door bang signaling Sousuke's exit, Rin let out a sigh and tentatively looked into Haru's face. Haru's eyes were gleaming, a sort of magnetic, molten blue that scared the shit out of Rin. It took all he had in him to stand his ground and grab Haru's hand. He took a deep breath.
"Tell me what's bothering you. You know I suck at the guessing game."
He could feel Haru's hand stiffen in his, but he grabbed on even tighter, trying to show Haru that he was here for him. Haru had never warmed up to Sousuke. And although Sousuke was better at keeping face, Rin knew he disagreed with Haru on a fundamental level. If Rin had to guess, the two were always teetering off a shaky balance of grudging acceptance punctured with bouts of loathing.
"You're an idiot."
"What the hell, Haru—"
"To even think that I would accuse you of cheating."
Rin froze and looked down at his hand. It was Haru who was gripping at it now, his fingers laced around Rin's with so much force that it actually hurt. Rin's mind whirred as he tried to piece together what Haru was saying. They had been together for years, and yet he was still very bad at this. It was like butting his head against a wall, but Rin kept at it because it was worth it when that wall happened to be Haru.
"Then why are you angry...?"
Haru gave an exasperated huff and fixed a hard glare at Rin. He looked absolutely murderous and Rin felt something familiar bubble in his stomach, a cold slick fear that made him nauseous every time they had a fight. He took a deep breath and forced himself to stay calm. It wasn't as if he was afraid of Haru — he was just afraid of fucking up.
"You were crying. You were crying in front of him."
Rin blinked. At Rin's confused expression Haru gave an annoyed grunt and struggled to elaborate. Haru was still bad at this too, but over the years he had gotten better at trying.
"For weeks I asked you what was wrong. You said everything was fine. But, it isn't and Yamazaki seems to know why."
"Haru, I—"
"Not just this time. All the time. You keep things from me, but never from him."
Rin bristled. He could see Haru's point, but Haru was not entirely correct. Rin never confided in Sousuke, at least not willingly. Sousuke just happened to know what was wrong without asking. Also, it was easier breaking down in front of Sousuke. Sousuke might tease, but he would never hold anything against him. He already knew Rin inside and out, whereas Haru—
Okay. Maybe he was being unfair. It wasn't Haru's fault that he had a harder time understanding Rin than Sousuke.
On the other hand, Rin never complained about Makoto and Haru's friendship. He had acknowledged early on that he would never be on par with Makoto when it came to understanding all of Haru's little quirks — and he was fine with that. It never bothered him. He didn't need to know everything about Haru as long as he knew Haru cared for him.
Maybe he could dive in for a kiss and Haru would forget about the whole thing. Rin looked at Haru's face, the way his eyes were still glowing with anger, the edge of his lips twitching in annoyance. To tell the truth, it was kind of hot. He wouldn't mind a kiss right now.
But Rin was better than that. There were some things that they needed to straighten out if they wanted to keep this going.
Rin started slowly, "Is it my keeping things from you that bothers you, or is it Sousuke?" He could work on the former, but he didn't really know what he could do about the latter. Sousuke was his best friend. He didn't want to shut him out from his life, not even for Haru's sake.
"Both," Haru gritted out and Rin felt something in him dive down. And just like that, all of his good intentions leaked out. He felt worn out and tired. Tired of always being the one searching for compromises and solutions. Tired of being a good person. Tired of taking care of Haru, because face it, Rin had never been good at taking care of other people in the first place.
The words escaped him before he could stop them, "Maybe we need some time apart from each other."
He froze. This was a mistake, of course. This was how things ended, wasn't it?
Rin reached out, hoping to undo the damage by whispering he was sorry, even though he wasn't — not really — he was scared. But before he could, he saw Haru's eyes flicker with hurt and something alien.
"Yes. We should."
Tears. Rin realized. He wanted to brush them away, but it was already too late.